One Strange Custody Battle

Read about this story that is in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette LINK>About 2 Priests who are seeking custody of a 2 year old child.

The parents, Jorden and Edgar Pauley, are 23 and 26. They recently celebrated the birth of their daughter, who is their second child. The family has been missing their 2-year-old son for over a year now. He is in the temporary legal custody of two priests at the nearby St Peter Catholic Church in Steubenville OH. It is an unusual and still ongoing court battle for custodial rights.

It started because the Pauleys sought assistance from the church to care for their son. “I feel like this is a very wrong thing for Catholics to do,” Ms. Pauley said. “I’ve never seen two people in the Catholic community want someone’s child that bad … they’ve torn my family apart.” Experts on Catholic Church tradition have never come across, or even heard of, a case like this.

Due to allegations made by the priests, a judge granted temporary custody specifying the child would live in the church rectory during the duration of the case. It’s been more than a year and a half since, and the drama continues to play out in court. Neither the Steubenville police nor the Jefferson County Department of Job and Family Services has substantiated any of the claims made in the priest’s legal filings.

In fact, the Jefferson County Department of Job and Family Services, which administers children services in the area, cleared the couple of having safety threats in their home and even lauded the couple as having “many strengths” in a letter from the agency dated November 2023. Even so, the child has not been returned to the Pauleys due to the ongoing court case.

The couple, who for financial reasons must represent themselves in court, claim this is a case of religious leaders overstepping their role, when they should have only been helping. In June 2022, the Pauleys moved to Steubenville from Wilkes Barre PA. Ms Pauley, who is adopted, said she wanted to start fresh with her husband amid a turbulent relationship with her family.

The Friendship Room is where the Pauleys met Fathers Huffman and Greer, who began helping the couple with money and baby formula, and by babysitting the boy. Neither Father Greer, Father Huffman nor the Steubenville Diocese has made any public statement regarding the case.

You can read more at the link to the newspaper article above.

Don’t Let The B*&^($@ds . . .

Daffodils & Dirt Sam Morton’s Album

That is not the album cover but the concept captured me. It comes from another woman’s Scottish story that drew Morton and has arrived in The Guardian – by Kate Kellaway – LINK>‘The hardest thing is to forgive yourself’: actor Samantha Morton and writer Jenni Fagan on the trauma of growing up in care.

The Guardian notes – Both women have used their work to process childhoods ravaged by neglect and abuse. Meeting for the first time, they discuss survival and anger, Fagan’s new memoir, and the state of the UK’s care system today. Jenni Fagan’s extraordinary, harrowing and uplifting memoir, Ootlin, is about growing up in the Scottish care system. Ootlin translated from the Scottish vernacular means someone who “never belonged, an outsider who did not want to be in”. LINK>Review by Sara Crowley. Samantha Morton is an Oscar nominee twice over, who directed and co-wrote, with Tony Grisoni, the TV film LINK>The Unloved (2009), about a girl growing up in a care home, which drew an audience of 2 million.

About Fagan’s memoir, Sam says: “When I read Jenni’s book, I felt as if we were twins. I didn’t realize there was another human being who had had an almost identical childhood to mine, and not only survived but become formidable against the odds. The similarities between us are bizarre; it was like when you do a butterfly drawing at school, then fold it – there is Jenni in Scotland and there is Sam in Nottingham… and we’re the same age.” “I’m a bit older,” says Fagan. “I’m still 46,” says Morton. “I’m 47,” Fagan says.

Both women spent years in children’s homes and foster care. Morton had 12 foster placements and Fagan 27 by the time she was 16 (with two unsuccessful adoption placements). Each had mothers who suffered poor mental health. Fagan never knew hers, whereas Morton’s mother, who died in 2017, is a known presence in her story. Morton’s father was intermittently violent and spent spells in prison. Both Fagan and Morton suffered abuse, got into drugs for a while, and had periods of homelessness.

If these stories are of interest to you, I highly recommend reading the entire article at The Guardian link above. blogger’s note – having learned I have Scottish roots, anything to do with that country always interests me.

Readjustment Time

Early this year my now 5 month old was removed from my home and put into the care of my mother by social services. We have since made major adjustments, done millions of assessments and classes and all things are looking positive for reunification come October time.

We are now looking into ways the ease the readjustment and reunification process, we have a photo of us hanging above her bed at my mum’s house that they say good morning and good night to every day, we have a photo book of photos with us with our daughter that my mum “reads” to her, we are rotating through plushies, blankets and toys that have our smell on them for her, we visit multiple days a week, we do skin to skin, we nap together, she visits us at our home often, we do snuggles after bath time, we never do any firsts (swimming, weaning, etc) without us present, we are looking into ways to keep consistency like staying with my parents regularly still when she’s back in our care and using the same childcare provider and professionals, and we spend days out together.

We are looking for more ways we can make the adjustment period easier and more natural for her, does anyone have any ideas?

No I will not go into any details about why she was taken from our care. It’s been stressful for all of us, and we have done everything we need to and more to make positive changes, so we can look after her in a more positive way. Social workers are very happy with us and everything is looking very positive for our family.

Now for readjustment.

Kindness Matters

A woman shares how exposure to some of the understandings that I often share in this blog made a difference for one family.

There had been a family of 6 (and the mom was pregnant, so really 7 of them) living in a van. For quite a while I brought them things- mostly food and pull ups/wipes (4 kids under 6 years old). The mom would ghost me sometimes and then message me again with needs, which I would fulfill.

My coworkers told me multiple times to report the family to Child Protective Services due to the children living in the car. Because of this (all things adoption) group and all your emotional labor, I didn’t. I was very worried about the kids being taken from their loving mother.

The story is long but ends like this- the mom left her abusive boyfriend (I didn’t know he was abusive), was able to get a grant through community resources and now has an apartment with her 5 children. She gets free childcare so she can work. It’s so beautiful.

I look back and am soooooo thankful to this (all things adoption) group. I really would have thought removing those children from their mom would have been best for them. It clearly would have been awful, and their story has turned into something beautiful. Your time, words, emotional labor- it does help. Thank you, thank you.

SAIL Away

Painting by Leonid Afremov

Related to a domestic violence situation and an expectant mother – here is her story.

She recently fled from an abusive relationship. She and the two other children have been staying in a motel. She reached out to an adoption agency.

Adoption agencies are predatory – they have to create that sense of obligation, so women will feel obligated to carry through with the adoption plans. In this case, they said the would pay for the mom and her kids to stay in the motel from now through 6 week’s postpartum. Keep in mind here, mom has a decent job. She can afford rent at an actual residence. It’s help with deposits and first and last month’s rent she needs help with. She certainly can’t save for that while paying for a motel.

That is how I learned about Special Assessment Intervention and Liaison (SAIL). Someone mentioned it and believes it is federal. They help pay deposits and utilities when a woman is fleeing domestic violence. The program’s goals are Safety and Self-sufficiency for each domestic violence victim and her family. They seek to determine if participation in work activities and/or child support enforcement activities would put the client at increased risk of danger.

Some of the SAIL Project services include – developing a safety plan, assisting in obtaining safe housing, filing for protection orders, attending court proceedings with the client, providing referrals to individual and group counseling and/or support groups, identifying community resources and obtain other necessary services and/or goods. Beyond direct client work, they educate employers about domestic violence and its extended costs.

Examples of some of the expenses SAIL might cover – Repairs for damage done by the perpetrator to the home in which the client lives such as broken windows, doors, locks, etc. Repairs for damage to the victim’s car that was done by the perpetrator and are necessary to safely operate the car. Deposits for rent and utilities for the victim to move away from the violence. Certain transportation costs, such as commercial travel fare, gas, truck/van rental (not insurance).

blogger’s note – I don’t know if this SAIL program is available in every state in the US. My information above came from program information related to the state of LINK>Alabama.

Keeping It Valid

A birth certificate question and an realistic answers –

I was adopted by my grandmother when I was a kid and have an amended birth certificate with her name on it AND I have my original birth certificate with both of my parents names on it. The most recent one is the one with just my grandmother’s name on it, but it also has my place of birth incorrect. I’d rather use my birth parents names for personal reasons but I worry if it will be valid or not. I am having to fill out some paperwork and they need to know my parents names and need to see my birth certificate. Does anyone know if it’s okay to use my original birth certificate, or do I have to use my most recent one with my grandmother’s name ?

Answers from adoptees – The old one is no longer valid. And listing your actual birthplace from your Original Birth Certificate can cause hiccups with security questions, passports etc. Another adoptee noted – I think they want you to use the amended birth certificate you got when your grandmother adopted you. That is what I would use for something like social security card even though its a lie. The bottom line from another one – Your original birth certificate is no longer valid for identification purposes. That said, the specific thing you’re needing to provide information for matters. This is my hill to die on, and from my experience you can push back on this is many situations.

The more detailed longer answer from an adoptee – What you have is your Original Birth Certificate (OBC) with your genuine parents’ names and all of the actual information of your true birth recorded. And then you have the Amended Birth Certificate which now supersedes the OBC and is the only legal document (although includes untruths from your real birth information) because your grandmother adopted you in a court of family law and the government (federal and state) has jurisdiction over the deception that your grandmother somehow became your mother and her daughter’s relationship with you has been severed. That said, when people ask me my parents names (and their parents names) I do use my actual parents with their actual names – not the government sanctioned lies. So, it depends for us adopted people (whether kinship adopted or via strangers) what you are using this information to do for YOU.

Not All

Today’s story illustrates this –

We adopted our almost 8 year old from birth. The relationship with birth mom and her other children has been sporadic at best (her choice). My daughter misses her siblings but they have recently been taken from the bio mom who became homeless and apparently was charged with neglect. Some are with their own bio dads and one is in foster care. My daughter does not know this yet, and we will work with her therapist to share this information in a way that hopefully lessens the trauma (for context, we don’t have a way to get ahold of bio mom anymore to offer help and she has moved across the country).

My daughter also has always wanted to meet and know her bio dad and his family. We have worked hard to find him and make that happen. I finally connected with his sister (so my daughter’s bio aunt) on Facebook and my husband and I are meeting her next week. We’re hoping she’ll be amenable to starting a relationship with our daughter. We’ll get more information at that time, but she alluded that her brother isn’t not open to that right now. How do we make sure this is not causing more trauma for our young daughter? I know that having this relationship could be great for her, but will it make it worse knowing that bio aunt is willing to meet her (and hopefully have a relationship with her) but her dad isn’t? We want to do what’s right for her. She craves to know this side of her family, but I’ve heard that discovering the bio parent can create more trauma.

A relevant response from an adoptee – If any of her bio family wants to meet her/have a relationship with her do all you can to make it happen. Yes, it may hurt and cause trauma that other bio family does not want to do that. However, that can you can work through. What will never be worked out is if she discovers she could have had something with bio family but you kept that from happening. Even worse is if she finds out you were anything but 100% truthful to her or them. Don’t hide behind we were trying to protect her. Unless there is some clear danger, such as the parent abused other children or threatened her or you in some way, the only people you are thinking about is yourselves. It is acceptable to give an age appropriate truth such as her siblings are being cared for by other adults because her bio mother is not able to provide shelter for them right now. Therefore, she probably will not be in contact with her for a while. If she wants to have contact with her other siblings, try to make it happen. If it is not to be, tell her that and why. Again in a truthful age appropriate way. That could be upsetting to her but again that can be worked through. What is important is that she knows she can trust you to always be honest with her. Break that trust and you will lose her forever.

Doing What Is Right

LOVE this heart-warming approach that shows such love, respect and consideration !!

My cousin is pregnant and was put in a horrible situation from the child’s father. She tried getting help in her state for support, but they all were pushing her for adoption. The deferent organization wouldn’t help her with anything unless she filled out paperwork agreeing to adoption. I did let her know, if she did want to put the baby up for adoption, I would step in and do that. But if she just thought she couldn’t do it alone, then she could move in with us and we would help her with it all.

I bought her a plane ticket and we have been getting everything together for her – medical insurance, WIC, Dr appointments, job interviews and everything. We are definitely working on things daily, trying to figure out how to make it all work… but we are doing it.

She was only able to come with one bag, so we are starting from scratch. We are trying to figure it all out. I posted in local moms group for pregnancy clothes. Hopefully, we will find a few more things for her.

Yesterday she asked me, “once I get on my feet and I have the baby, do I have to move out”? I said, “absolutely not, you can stay as long as you like.” I could see the relief on her face. I have older kids and a toddler, I told her we could just raise the little ones together, they will be like sisters. I think she will be a great mom, she is wonderful with my little one.

We are currently doing work on the house, trying to figure out rooms and space for everyone. It is a lot but we are determined to make it work. Baby arrives in a few months. We have a lot to do, to get ready, but we are making it all happen !

Setting The Record Straight

Simone Biles with Ronald and Nellie Biles

There is not a doubt that the support of grandparents is important in every child’s life. The Olympics have brought a renewed emphasis on the story of Simone Biles and how much her grandparents, who adopted her and a sister, have made her life possible when her parents just had challenges that prevented them from being good parents. I wrote about her quite a few years ago here.

Someone who’s perspective I appreciate shared what are for her key points in this story and so, I will share that here today.

1. The entire story focuses on adoption and adoptive parents and never adoptees. Athletes and celebrities have good PR teams around them to create a narrative about them. During the Olympics, this is when you hear the hardships stories because it allows people to create a connection which equals more money. These kinds of hardships stories are seen on talent shows too.

2. Simone was adopted by her grandparents. She has access to her roots, story, DNA. Kinship adoption is different than stranger adoption. The saddest part is the older children were separated from their younger siblings. The grandparents adopted the younger two which is Simone and her sister who were toddlers at the time, the older two were teens.

3. In 2016, an article said her grandmother, who became her adoptive mom, told the kids they can call her mom and be a real family. Simone stated ever since that day she called her grandparents “mom and dad”. How many adoptive and foster parents try to force or ask the children to call them mom and dad ? Another article said kinship should never try to replace the parents because kinship is about keeping connections.

4. The media paints her biological parents as terrible and adoption as amazing. Simone has contact with their biological mother and was part of her life. The media outlining her biological mother’s struggles and bashing her to uplift adoptive parents and adoption was gross. TMZ found her biological mom and she’s doing well now. It’s sad how people’s past, when they were struggling, is used against them. We didn’t need to know her biological mom’s story.

5. I’ve heard former foster youth and current foster youth who are upset that Simone is being used as a poster child for foster care and adoption. After the Rio Olympics, one of my former placements said she’s tired of hearing about Simone Biles because she felt she doesn’t represent the majority of foster kids. A former foster youth, said a foster child will never be an Olympic gymnast and it’s ridiculous to use her to recruit foster parents. Also, this forces the foster child to feel grateful.

6. Simone is an amazing gymnast but she has trauma and struggles with her own mental health. Placing her as a poster child for foster care and adoption, does a disservice to foster kids and adoptees. It also does a disserve to Simone. She’s not here to save the day.

7. Recently, a video has been going around of Simone stating adoption saved her and if it weren’t for adoption and her parents, she wouldn’t be here. The Today Show host Hoda is also an adoptive mom. I can’t say this enough, but if an adoptee says they’re grateful for adoption and their adoptive parents, please don’t use this against adoptees you disagree with or with your own children. Never ever expect your foster and adopted children to feel grateful for you or for adoption/foster care.

Unfortunately the media and public loves a good tragic back story, but Simone’s story shouldn’t be used against foster kids or adoptees. I remember cringing when my local agency said you can foster and adopt the next Simone Biles who made the Olympics. Gross.

Adoption and foster care IS traumatic.

If Simone ever decides to speak about any of her experiences that the public disagrees with or doesn’t tow the party line, she’d be called ungrateful. An adoptee went though this at the winter Olympics after saying she wanted to find her biological family. She said some things about adoption many didn’t like hearing.

I wish her family didn’t go public and allowed her to decide when she wanted to and if she wanted certain things shared. Now that it’s out there, she has to be careful about what she says.

Also, for those fighting reunification just stop. Supporting Simone means advocating for families to stay together. We don’t know where Simone would’ve ended up or who she would have become – if she didn’t have her grandparents to take her in. The majority of outcomes for foster kids are extremely sad. The odds of doing gymnastics as a foster kid are vanishingly very low.

One other note from an adoptee – I am quite sure many Black people do not acknowledge her adoption. It is common in our community for grandparents to step in and raise grandchildren, when the biological parents are incapable. The majority of us from the Caribbean were raised by our grandparents while our parents left for different countries, neglect us or new opportunities. (blogger’s note – in fact it is common in the rural community in Missouri where I live and there are very few Black people living here.)

Is It A Crisis ?

I used to worry about over-population. Five decades ago, Paul Ehrlich’s book The Population Bomb sparked global fears of “mass starvation” on a “dying planet” because of overpopulation.

One doesn’t hear about that very much anymore. I have two son that are early 20s. The older one at 23 is certain he will never have children. The younger one doesn’t talk about it at all. My husband was already 36 when we married, I was 34 and had previously been married and have a daughter by that marriage who was born in 1973. I didn’t foresee having 2 more children at 47 and 50 years of age but I have no regrets that we did this. When I discovered that it would be near impossible for me to conceive naturally at such an advanced age, I lamented that now that my husband was ready, I was too old to honor his desire to be a father. My OB said – “there is a way” – and we took “the way” he suggested and ran with it. We were incredibly lucky throughout the process overall.

So, what kind of crisis is this ? A baby crisis, a population crisis, a fertility crisis, a demographic crisis, an ageing crisis and/or an economic crisis ? There are many possible explanations and each of those kinds of crisis is some part of what some people think is a problematic issue for people globally going into the future. I don’t personally know if this really is “a problem” or not. It simply is the current reality. Thankfully, medical science does have some tools that did not exist in the past for those of us who remarry and those who wake up older one day and fear they missed their only opportunity to become parents.

It is also true that when women are more educated, more liberated, and more able to access contraception, they start having fewer children. An Institute For Health Metrics and Evaluation study noted that low-income places with higher fertility rates – such as sub-Sarahan Africa, which is set to contribute over half the world’s births by 2100 – will need better access to contraceptives and female education. This why, in many less developed countries, the effort is to educate more girls and provide them with birth control access, which also means that they don’t have to marry young and have lots of babies, if that isn’t their interest in reaching maturity.

The truth is that government really can’t do much to change this trajectory (and personally, I don’t know that government needs to). Pro-natal policies, such as free childcare, better parental care leave, financial incentives and employment rights, won’t boost fertility rates up to replacement levels. The 70s dip in having babies was largely thanks to the birth control pill, which also contributed to fewer teen pregnancies. That is generally considered a good thing that leads to fewer babies given up for adoption. Other factors included big social changes around gender equality, with women increasingly educated, working and with access to no-fault divorce. I certainly made use of no-fault divorce back in the mid-70s and was on birth control throughout my child-bearing years. I also started being employed while still in high school.

Jennifer Sciubba, author of 8 Billion and Counting: How Sex, Death and Migration Shape Our World, notes that following the “success sequence” – getting an education, a great job, a home, some savings – means pushing back having children. And once people have more money, they also want to have other things in their lives that kids might detract from – going out for a nice meal, taking a holiday, a full night’s sleep.

Having more than two can seem unimaginably intensive, hard and expensive, she says, but it’s never just the money. What about family and community support ? Religion ? The “little logistics” like needing a new car to fit enough car seats ? blogger’s note – Yeah, this explains a lot about that leaning into Christian Nationalism by conservatives and their Project 2025. Through east Asia, Sciubba says, the idea is spreading that “marriage is no longer required to have a good life. It might actually stifle your life because of gender relations within the household”.

Thanks to this article in The Guardian for many of today’s concepts and details. You can read the full article at this LINK>Birthrates are plummeting worldwide. Can governments turn the tide? by Tory Shepherd