Failed Plan B

Not my own story but for today – I am pregnant and have been contemplating adoption. However, I joined a group to cautiously explore that option and I’ve definitely had a change of heart after considering adult adoptee voices on the issue of adoption trauma.

I’m now 32 weeks into a pregnancy. I conceived after a failed Plan B. I immediately got on Depo-Provera (medroxyprogesterone acetate, a contraceptive injection containing the hormone progestin). When I went back 3 months later, they tested me before getting my next shot and I got a positive for pregnancy.

I have NO support system. I’m a single mom with 6 kids (3 are grown). I won’t have a baby shower as I have no friends or family support. I’m not working at the moment because this is a difficult pregnancy. I’m not excited at all. I haven’t purchased my baby anything or even begun to make a list of what I need. I guess my emotions are in control right now and as bad as I don’t want another child, I have to come to realization that this baby is coming regardless.

Has anyone felt this sense of hopeless disinterest and then had a change of heart, once they saw their baby? I guess I’m wondering when these negative feelings will pass. Also, how am I going to be able to afford to bring this baby home? Diapers, wipes, clothes, blankets, car seat…The necessities alone are overwhelming. I’m feeling defeated right now and I don’t even know if words of encouragement will help…But it’s worth a shot.

Helpful Response – You’ve got this! This part of your life is so temporary! Remember how, when your other kids were young, them growing up felt so far away? You’ll find a new village and support system in your new stage of life. You’re allowed to have all these feelings! There are Facebook pay nothing groups, search your city, then mom’s group or just look for the page. I live near a bigger city, so I joined that one too. It’s garage sale season here, so check on those, and Facebook Marketplace! When I had my first son I had NOTHING. My sister found someone on Craigslist who gave me everything for him. This season is so short. I know it’s scary, but you deserve to feel joy in this! I’m sorry that it’s not what you planned, that’s so hard! I could never have imagined that my son and I would be where we are today – the day I took that pregnancy test. You are doing such a good job as a mom already – just for reaching out! Asking for help and advice is not easy!! Take it hour by hour, sometimes a day at a time is too much. I live for finding stuff on Marketplace, search for baby stuff! We also have a local group supporting babies and moms. It was amazing. They helped find state/county services and offered support with baby items and even did weekly weigh-ins for tiny babies! You could search for something like that online too. I know googling can get overwhelming too, so know you can always reach put for help with that too, if just looking at a screen is too much. This season is temporary!

Regardless Of How

Whether you sought out adoption or it dropped in your lap, you STILL adopted and that makes you complicit in separating a family.

Stop using phrases like:

We didn’t know better
We didn’t buy a baby, the baby was offered to us
The birthmother decided, not us

After your initial involvement, if your first thought everyday when you woke up or every night when you went to sleep or every moment in between, was that a mother was separated from her child or vice versa, and that it was a heart wrenching thing that should never happen – guess what, you are still complicit. It does not matter what the natural mother said to you or her family or anyone else involved said that caused it to happen. The simple FACT is that anyone separating these 2 people, that only knew each other throughout the pregnancy, is NOT NORMAL. You honestly should have known that instinctively. If you didn’t, that is on you for not looking deeper before doing it. And if you did research it but pushed it down, you are selfish.

An adoptee writes – Know what my adoptive mom always said to me ? “I had 3 boys and I wanted a girl.” She makes no apologies. It’s selfish AF and she knows it. She fully admits how selfish she was. Times were different then. People truly did not know about adoption trauma. It matters not to her though. She knows she should have known – because logically, it makes perfect sense that a mother and child should not be separated. She fully admits she was thinking only of herself and not of my natural mom. At the very least, as selfish as that is, at least she owns it all without BS excuses.

The Adoptee’s Burden

So a hopeful adoptive mother asked about gender preferences when adopting. An adoptive mother responded honestly – Your perfect little girl is not going to come from adoption. Adopted children are traumatized and are not there to fulfill our dreams. If you heart wouldn’t be in it with a boy, I would think very carefully about what you’re going into. We are not shopping for children here. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but hard truths are something hopeful adoptive parents need to hear.

One foster parent noted – It seems that they want a specific gender based on their fantasy for what life will be– they are essentially bringing a child into their home with a job/responsibility (i.e., to fulfill that fantasy). The question becomes: what happens if that child doesn’t fulfill that fantasy? I honestly feel the same way when parents have strong reactions at gender reveals.

blogger’s note – I grew up in a family with female siblings. My first child was a daughter. Then, in my second marriage, with a husband who grew up with male siblings, we ended up with 2 boys. I will admit to some gender shock and understand the origin of the word boisterous. Raising them is the greatest privilege and responsibility of our lives, whatever they end up being – non-binary, intersex (a person born with a combination of male and female biological traits), etc LOL See below for what caused my comment.

A person commented – I find that most people with a strong gender preference are more focused on expecting their kid to fit a certain gendered idea. A really narrow reason that feels somewhat legit to me is a single parent or same sex couple who feel better equipped to help a child of the same sex navigate things like puberty and some of the different challenges the world throws at boys vs girls. I can certainly say I find the idea of teaching my daughters about periods and the importance of being aware of the dangers of diet culture much less intimidating than I would find the idea of teaching sons how to navigate male puberty and various kinds of toxic masculinity. (But I’m married to a cis man, so if we’d had a boy, he could talk to his dad about some of this stuff. And otherwise I would just be spending a lot more time doing research to figure it out.)

Falsehoods Are Common

A CPS lawyer is arguing that her clients (social workers) didn’t know that
you cannot lie in court in order to take a parents’ children away from them.

This came up in a thread where someone questioned – The mother was 19, they put her age as 16. I was 17 when this was dated, but this family wasn’t made known to me until March, 2018. 6 months into the pregnancy after being excluded prior. I am just wondering why her age isn’t what it actually was and if anyone has any ideas as to why she was listed as being younger? The dates are also listed differently.

I don’t really know the answers to this specific situation but I saw this behavior back in the mid-1930s in the surrender papers prepared by Georgia Tann related to my mom’s adoption. The ages of my genetic maternal grandparents were deliberately misrepresented as were the occupations of my grandparents.

It was noted – There’s quite a few court cases on YouTube where child protection workers were caught lying and forging documents to the courts or injecting themselves into families. There are so many lawsuits.

One person noted – The information packet my sister received also had false information like this. I believe this is a common practice in adoption. It was supposed to contain her identifying information and it was this bizarre package of lies and it was literally redacted in a lot of parts. I had no idea things like that happened in adoption until she showed me her redacted information package of lies and she told me how common it actually is for information to be falsified. It makes it more difficult for the adoptee to get to the truth/find their biological families.

One youth/family counselor wrote – When working with kids who are involved with Div of Children and Family Services (in Illinois specifically) I’ve experienced my kids caseworkers and the supervisors changing constantly. I really believe a lot of the records that are kept are incomplete and false because of high staff turnover rate, low oversight, rampant unchecked bias, and pure laziness on behalf of a lot of the workers. They care a lot less about the paperwork being true and more about it matching whatever case they are arguing to the judge. It’s maddening and makes it difficult for EVERY entity involved to know what is even going on. That is absolutely insane, and a very clear example of how harmful it is that these adults (Child Protective Services workers/shady adoption agencies) simply don’t care to make sure the information is truthful or correct for the kids’ sake at ALL. The paperwork serves them, not the kids. None of it serves the kids.

An advocate notes – They just flat out lie and there was actually a case about it in California, I believe where they argued the right to lie. While some cases may be due to understaffing, a lot of it is just flat out corruption. They want that Title IV funding (LINK>Title IV-E – Federal Payments for Foster Care and Adoption Assistance) and they have to destroy families to get it. It always shocks me when people act like CPS/DHS/Adoption agencies aren’t corrupt. Because they are. Systematically. It is insane how many families have told me stories like this. It is absolutely a product of how the system is set up.

Is It ?

Adoption is often compared to human trafficking by adoptees and birth mothers. It is easy to see the connection – money is exchanged and a baby is tendered.

“Adoptions resulting from crimes such as abduction and sale of and trafficking in children, fraud in the declaration of adoptability, falsification of official documents or coercion, and any illicit activity or practice such as lack of proper consent by biological parents, improper financial gain by intermediaries and related corruption, constitute illegal adoptions and must be prohibited, criminalized and sanctioned as such.” ~ UN Human Rights Office of the High Commissioner

One thoughtful response was this – We can no longer afford to ignore those who have been taken, stolen, and trafficked through adoption / for adoption. There are far too many who are victims of war crimes, colonization, and cultural genocide to dismiss the fact that adoption is a criminal industry.

Human trafficking is not just sex trafficking. Multiple sources have indicated the fastest growing criminal industry in the world is the buying and selling of people. It is a $150 billion dollar industry. Surrogacy is a $14 billion dollar market already. It is projected to increase to $129 billion within the next ten years.

This is the future of adoption. While we argue amongst ourselves, the industry continues to grow and expand into new markets. We think we are winning this war as adoption programs are being investigated and closing. However, the industry is simply refining it’s operations and shifting markets.

Understand that adoption was created as a cover for human slavery and human trafficking over 400 years ago. Read Adoption: What You Should Know by Dr. Janine Myung Ja (Vance) for this important history of the adoption industry. (Essay LINK>Dear Adoption, Don’t Use Me from Janine’s twin sister, Jenette Yamamoto)

What we’re up against in the U.S. is that the government has taken a narrow definition of human trafficking as sexual exploitation and forced labor. Monetization of social media content based on the child’s adoption, and turning them into “child influencers” is not considered human trafficking for forced labor in the U.S. simply because they were “adopted” and not trafficked.

Not The Way To Do It

Bill Maher sometimes does a piece on his weekly program – “I Don’t Know It For a Fact…I Just Know It’s True.” Today, I read this – every country seeks to end intergenerational welfare dependency by seizing the children of parents who are on public assistance or are likely to be on public assistance and adopt them out to serve as the as-if-born-to-children of working individuals. There are some facts though at this LINK>Federal Fiscal Year (FFY) 2022 Adoption Savings Data report on how much money the government saved in 2022 by adopting out the children of the poor. Judges that administrate these cases are employed by the states that save the money if the child is adopted out. Public defenders are employed by the states that save the money if the child is adopted out. If Child Protective Services was truly about protecting children rights – they would protect them without changing who they are or who they are related to. They’d just protect them as is.

The truth is the federal government pays tens of thousands of dollars in bounty money to states for each welfare dependent child adopted into non-welfare dependent homes. The federal government has adoption quotas for states to meet. Adoption credits and tax breaks mask a massive child trafficking effort to decrease the number of welfare-dependent children and adults in the country. The state is the entity that took it upon itself to remove the child from the care of their parents, therefore, the state should provide for all the food, clothing, medical care, educational needs, transportation, dedicated social workers, and facilitate visitation with biological kin. In foster care situations, the goal should always be a reunification of the children with their biological parents if at all possible.

If states were forbidden from seizing foster youth for adoption, and they had to permanently pay to support foster youth by paying the caregivers a salary and by providing for all of the needs of the foster youth, while simultaneously protecting the kinship rights and identity of the foster youth – you’d better believe the state would be removing a whole hell of a lot less kids than they are removing today. The state would limit removal to situations that are truly dangerous to the child and they would return the child to the care of their parents as soon as it was safe and possible whether that was 10 days, 10 months, or 10 years.

Foster care children are much safer with paid caregivers. The state would have fewer children in care, caseloads would be smaller and caseworkers could give the children in foster placement the attention they deserve. They could monitor them more closely for signs of abuse or signs of an incompatible placement. The state would be motivated to spend money on programs that reunified children with their families because it would be cheaper than paying for all the child’s needs while in foster placement, in addition to paying the foster caregiver and caseworker salaries. It would prove less expensive than having to pay out, when they lose lawsuits, where children have been abused by their foster caregivers.

An Evolving Approach

I don’t live in Florida and there may be aspects of this effort that I can’t know about. I learned about this organization, LINK>Embrace Families, from a post seeking a a home for a young woman before she turns 18. One kinship carer noted that – My cousin and friend was adopted at 17 years old. It was a long journey to her, but she prefers it that way. My aunt met her in a campaign of giving Christmas presents and progressed to a very unlikely adoption.

If this organization is true to their stated intentions, values and priorities – it is an example of how the approach to child welfare issues is evolving to be better than the old models. Their goal is to overcome the root causes of abuse and neglect through the programs they have created. Sadly, dominating local news where I live in Southeast Missouri is the story of the death of a 4 year old believed to be due to those causes.

They are committed to keeping struggling families intact and improving outcomes for children, teens and young adults. They feel their effort extends beyond the scope of traditional child welfare services. They feel that a child’s future should not be indelibly tarnished by events that brought them into the child welfare system.

They note that their investment in youth services ensures that teens and young adults in foster care have the supplies, resources and skills necessary to thrive personally, to achieve academically, and to prepare successfully for career and personal success. They provide the support needed for young adults to navigate the complex road to self-sufficient adulthood. This includes: mentoring, tutoring, youth advocacy preparation, housing support, academic support, career readiness, independent living transition planning, driver license training, and more.

It Matters

An adoptee’s story – I recently met a biological 2nd cousin at a funeral of her brother, whom I had already known. We were both delighted to finally meet in person. She lives in NC and I live in NJ, so the opportunities for this are few. We loved meeting each other!

She told me her daughter’s adopting a baby and she’s so excited to finally become a grandmother. I replied, telling her I’m so happy for her, and also sad for the baby who is losing a mother. She said the mother is addicted to drugs and she’s hoping the mother “will just disappear”. She admitted (without my prompting) that she knows this is “kind of selfish”, but it’s still how she feels. I couldn’t believe she said the quiet part out loud! – to an adoptee in the family, who obviously was so happy to be able to know my biological family and was just meeting a number of them for the first time! She couldn’t make the mental connection between my need to know them and this baby’s need to know their own biological family.

Because I had only just met her, I kept silent, but thought to myself that I could send her the book “Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency” to help her understand the child’s need to know at least some people in their biological family. And then I could follow up with the suggestion that it might be safe and even advisable for the child to have supervised visits with the mother…Even if it seems unnecessary to the adoptive family.

She had concerns – Too forward? She won’t read it? She’ll be angry and won’t read it? She’ll be angry and reject me? If that’s a possibility, should I still do it? Why does all this have to be so complex?

From an adoptive parent – I think it really depends on the person. When I was a hopeful adoptive parent I would have surely read it. I read everything I could find online and off. Others who had walked the journey before me (because there weren’t adoptee or birth parent voices readily found online at that time) were my teachers. They opened my eyes to the ethical implications, the way separation at birth alone causes trauma and that it’s not reserved for a 15 year old who grew up in Russian orphanages. None of it was enough to stop my adoption plans but it did help me to go into it with eyes wide open. I didn’t adopt domestically though. But yes – send the book.

Another adoptive parent one agreed – it’ll depend on the person, I would’ve read it but probably would have been sort of guarded against it. The fact that she mentioned knowing it was kind of selfish makes me think she might be open to it… hopefully! I also specifically searched for adoptees specific to the international program I was looking into and they existed but were extremely minority voices. The messaging I was getting back then was how to adopt more ethically. Not the downfalls of adoption entirely. Shortly after there were good books written and more and more voices speaking out and more and more priority given to those voices. With social media, things changed quickly. So while there were resources before, there was infinitely more easily acceptable voices now. But really my point is just that you never know what will break through to a potential adopter and I think books are a great way to spread information and start that conversation.

Another one thought – I think she would definitely have something to gain from it but most people are not receptive to that, especially people from older generations, and i dont know if its something i would want to say outright if you want that relationship. Also it might be more helpful to have that conversation with the people actually adopting. I have relatives that feel that way and they can feel that way but we are still going to have contact with other family members anyway and it’s not up for discussion. Our contact with them is more limited. Since you’ve already lost this family one time, maybe build a relationship with them first and see if they seem receptive to talking about the hard parts of adoption. My second cousins were adopted out and we didn’t have any contact until one was an adult, still don’t have contact with the other. We have had some serious talks about adoption. Our parents generation in our family does not acknowledge their trauma and the challenges it caused in their life. I’ve seen my cousin basically written off for this and that’s the main reason i would approach it cautiously. It may be worth considering expressing it more about how you felt growing up and hoping they can make that connection. I feel statements tend to be something people are more receptive to.

An adoptee expresses her perspective – Unfortunately it isn’t possible for anyone to predict her reactions. However, I would consider it divine providence that you came into their lives right as a new adopted baby is. It can be an opportunity for them to have a deeper understanding of the baby’s needs. Say your peace, respectfully, and with a soft heart. Don’t make the truth harder to swallow that it has to be – if you want them to actually be receptive. It sounds like you do care about them – so just follow your instincts. If they react poorly, you’ll know that it wasn’t your doing but something broken in them.

Yesterday’s Rant

The rant I didn’t share yesterday but don’t take that or my image above to mean I didn’t and still don’t agree 100% with her perspective. From one all things adoption group – which has really been informative for me since 2017, when I first learned the truths of my own parents’ adoptions.

This group has helped dozens of moms get their babies back from hopeful adoptive parents. Most are simple revocations. Far too many have led to long drawn out court battles across state lines. Thankfully, we have generous members who have allowed us to help moms and dads fight.

These cases are agony for parents and babies. I never feel sympathy for the hopeful adoptive parents AKA as kidnappers for several reasons. One, they knew the risks going in. Two, they shouldn’t be so damn happy to take a baby out of their desperate parents’ arms. I’m not putting parents on a pedestal but I know the desperation that leads to relinquishing in the first place. Third, they ignore revocations and fight like hell to keep baby. We’ve helped five dads whose babies were placed for adoption without their consent.

I’m not the parent in any of these cases but during an ongoing “case” it consumes my thoughts. I wonder how hopeful adoptive parents can be so selfish. I wonder how some of them are so wealthy but use their wealth to fight to keep someone else’s child. So many in the cases we have helped with have been in financial positions to do so much good in the world but they are doing damage.

I struggle with understanding such selfishness. It crosses into evil. Yet, if cases like these hit the press, it’s the hopeful adoptive parents with all the sympathy. Natural parents are villains and not even because they signed in the first place, but because they are poor.

I can’t fathom how you look at someone during the lowest point in their life, when they feel desperate enough to give away their own child and take said child vs offering to help.

We look at every single profile when we receive join requests. I struggle with the constant “hoping to adopt” and GoFundMe’s posts asking for money to adopt. Yet, this group has existed for 9 years and those same people won’t buy a pacifier off a baby registry or donate a $1. WTF is a $1?

I believe in being a good human and baby buying isn’t it. Lusting after a baby isn’t it either.

Desperate Circumstances

I have great sympathy for woman who find themselves pregnant and alone, facing the imminent birth of their child unsupported. Both of my adoptee parents’ mothers were such women; and in fact, both of my sisters were as well. In desperate circumstances, many women have chosen the permanent solution of adoption (surrendering their child) to their temporary problem of inadequate resources.

This morning, I found myself once again reading the story of Steve Inskeep, who is the co-host of NPR’s Morning Edition. Today it was in The Atlantic. An article titled LINK>No One’s Children. Twice, back in 2021, I wrote a blog here that mentions Steve Inskeep. While he downplays at times how much it means to him to know his story, it keeps popping up, which leads me to believe it DOES matter to him as much as it has mattered to me. I think he has finally fully absorbed that and concludes the latest in The Atlantic with – “Adoptees have a right to their own history.” I could not agree more. I know how much what I now know of my own biological and genetic family means to me personally.

The first one I wrote that mentioned him was in late March 2021 LINK>Adoptees Deserve Better. Then a second time in early April 2021 LINK>A Deep Yearning, after I had read and in that blog, linked his op-ed in The New York Times from March 28th – I Was Denied My Birth Story. So today was now the 3rd time. I rest my case that it actually matters a lot to him. The Atlantic piece is longer. I am glad that someone with a bit of name recognition keeps telling the adoptee story.

Following the mention of E Wayne Carp in Inskeep’s Atlantic piece – I discovered that the author had written several adoption related books. Books by him include in 1998 – Family Matters, Secrecy and Disclosure in the History of Adoption. And then in 2004 – Adoption Politics, Bastard Nation & Ballot Initiative. Finally in 2014 – Jean Paton and the Struggle to Reform American Adoption. None of these have I read. However, in searching for that author, I discovered Rudy Owens.

Owens has written a memoir – LINK>You Don’t Know How Lucky You Are. On New Year’s Day in this 2024 year, he posted a YouTube reflecting on Adoptee Rights. Echoing Rudy Owens today, I say – “This blog of mine is my best effort to support adoptee rights. It would be a wonderful thing if I could go to Denmark and meet some of my own biological relatives on my dad’s paternal side. It is true, my dad was a bastard. His young mother had an affair with a married man, not yet an American citizen. Therefore, she was pregnant and alone. As a resourceful woman, she handled the situation the best she could.”