An adoptee’s story – I recently met a biological 2nd cousin at a funeral of her brother, whom I had already known. We were both delighted to finally meet in person. She lives in NC and I live in NJ, so the opportunities for this are few. We loved meeting each other!
She told me her daughter’s adopting a baby and she’s so excited to finally become a grandmother. I replied, telling her I’m so happy for her, and also sad for the baby who is losing a mother. She said the mother is addicted to drugs and she’s hoping the mother “will just disappear”. She admitted (without my prompting) that she knows this is “kind of selfish”, but it’s still how she feels. I couldn’t believe she said the quiet part out loud! – to an adoptee in the family, who obviously was so happy to be able to know my biological family and was just meeting a number of them for the first time! She couldn’t make the mental connection between my need to know them and this baby’s need to know their own biological family.
Because I had only just met her, I kept silent, but thought to myself that I could send her the book “Seven Core Issues in Adoption and Permanency” to help her understand the child’s need to know at least some people in their biological family. And then I could follow up with the suggestion that it might be safe and even advisable for the child to have supervised visits with the mother…Even if it seems unnecessary to the adoptive family.
She had concerns – Too forward? She won’t read it? She’ll be angry and won’t read it? She’ll be angry and reject me? If that’s a possibility, should I still do it? Why does all this have to be so complex?
From an adoptive parent – I think it really depends on the person. When I was a hopeful adoptive parent I would have surely read it. I read everything I could find online and off. Others who had walked the journey before me (because there weren’t adoptee or birth parent voices readily found online at that time) were my teachers. They opened my eyes to the ethical implications, the way separation at birth alone causes trauma and that it’s not reserved for a 15 year old who grew up in Russian orphanages. None of it was enough to stop my adoption plans but it did help me to go into it with eyes wide open. I didn’t adopt domestically though. But yes – send the book.
Another adoptive parent one agreed – it’ll depend on the person, I would’ve read it but probably would have been sort of guarded against it. The fact that she mentioned knowing it was kind of selfish makes me think she might be open to it… hopefully! I also specifically searched for adoptees specific to the international program I was looking into and they existed but were extremely minority voices. The messaging I was getting back then was how to adopt more ethically. Not the downfalls of adoption entirely. Shortly after there were good books written and more and more voices speaking out and more and more priority given to those voices. With social media, things changed quickly. So while there were resources before, there was infinitely more easily acceptable voices now. But really my point is just that you never know what will break through to a potential adopter and I think books are a great way to spread information and start that conversation.
Another one thought – I think she would definitely have something to gain from it but most people are not receptive to that, especially people from older generations, and i dont know if its something i would want to say outright if you want that relationship. Also it might be more helpful to have that conversation with the people actually adopting. I have relatives that feel that way and they can feel that way but we are still going to have contact with other family members anyway and it’s not up for discussion. Our contact with them is more limited. Since you’ve already lost this family one time, maybe build a relationship with them first and see if they seem receptive to talking about the hard parts of adoption. My second cousins were adopted out and we didn’t have any contact until one was an adult, still don’t have contact with the other. We have had some serious talks about adoption. Our parents generation in our family does not acknowledge their trauma and the challenges it caused in their life. I’ve seen my cousin basically written off for this and that’s the main reason i would approach it cautiously. It may be worth considering expressing it more about how you felt growing up and hoping they can make that connection. I feel statements tend to be something people are more receptive to.
An adoptee expresses her perspective – Unfortunately it isn’t possible for anyone to predict her reactions. However, I would consider it divine providence that you came into their lives right as a new adopted baby is. It can be an opportunity for them to have a deeper understanding of the baby’s needs. Say your peace, respectfully, and with a soft heart. Don’t make the truth harder to swallow that it has to be – if you want them to actually be receptive. It sounds like you do care about them – so just follow your instincts. If they react poorly, you’ll know that it wasn’t your doing but something broken in them.
Missing Mom 