Family Transmission

In my own family, with 2 adoptee parents, I have seen how awareness of their adoptions and acceptance of this a being one of the most natural things in this world (note – it is NOT), led to my 2 sisters giving up their babies to adoption. This is an effect that transmits itself down family lines or so I do believe.

Reading a story today in the Washington Post that I arrived at via Reddit (which my sons do but I have rarely visited) by LINK>Amber Ferguson about a woman who was denied an abortion in Texas and subsequently placed her daughter for adoption. She notes that “We know this story doesn’t reflect the experience of everyone who has been denied an abortion or experienced adoption.”

She linked the Washington Post story, LINK>After abortion attempts, two women now bound by child, which seems to have allowed me to read it. In that story, this caught my own attention – Evelyn, who gave up the baby, was adopted by her own parents at 3 weeks old. Her parents were in their mid-40s at the time and had not been able to conceive naturally. Although Evelyn had always felt close to them, she was petrified to tell them about the pregnancy. “My parents are in their early 70s. I didn’t have a job or any money. I didn’t want to put it on them to raise the baby,” Evelyn remembers thinking.

She had dated a guy she met on social media and they had casual sex. The relationship went downhill swiftly. When her pregnancy test revealed the truth, a single thought swirled through her head: I can’t have a child. I can’t have a child. I can’t have a child. The relationship with her baby’s father ended after she told him about the pregnancy. She immediately began making plans to have an abortion.

She was six weeks and four days pregnant, so the clinic’s staff advised her to go to Oklahoma before that state adopted an abortion ban, too. Evelyn has been reunited with her own birth mother, Tamela, who lived near the Oklahoma border. Her birth mother was a teenager when she became pregnant with Evelyn. With the encouragement of her adoptive mom, Evelyn had found her on Facebook in 2016. They stayed in touch. Evelyn hoped she would be able to understand her predicament. Tamela says she was surprised by Evelyn’s call but immediately understood her fear. “You don’t think it’s going to happen to you, that you’re going to get pregnant so young. And it’s scary. It’s very scary because it happened to me,” Tamela remembers thinking. Evelyn remembers Tamela telling her that she was making a good decision and that ending the pregnancy would be best for her future.

The clinic’s doctor estimated that she was nine, possibly 10 weeks along and handed her a prescription for mifepristone. She should dissolve the pills under her tongue to start a medication abortion, according to the prescription she received from the clinic. She was told to take the remaining four pills, misoprostol, “orally” at home within 48 hours. She didn’t take the second dose until she returned to her home in San Antonio, nearly two days later. She wanted to be at home where she would have more privacy, Evelyn says. Her stomach had started to cramp. Then she saw the blood clots in the toilet. She bled for hours and had spotting for a couple of weeks. Confident it had worked, she says she didn’t bother to make the follow-up doctor’s appointment the clinic had strongly recommended.

When she still hadn’t gotten her menstrual cycle, she took another pregnancy test and was stunned when it came back positive. At the hospital, Evelyn fainted when she saw that there was a heartbeat, and was in and out of consciousness for about five minutes. Perhaps it’s time to consider adoption, the midwife told her. “No, no, no, I can’t go through with the pregnancy,” Evelyn responded.

Evelyn says she didn’t know the pills sometimes didn’t work. It is a rare occurrence, but she later learned that 3 percent of medication abortions fail when gestation reaches 70 days, or 10 weeks, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. The odds of failure increase if the patient waits longer than prescribed to take the second dose of the medication, several medical experts said.

She hadn’t seriously considered adoption, despite being adopted herself, until it became too late to even have a surgical abortion. Having reached that point, she knew that was the only option. Evelyn says she knew adoption could be positive. Her parents had given her an ideal childhood.

You can read the rest of the story at the Washington Post link above.

An Extreme Danger

Christopher and Michelle Pence, of Cedar City UT, were actively seeking children to adopt, advertising themselves through a ‘family profile’. In addition to the 5 children adopted at the core of this story, they had 5 other children.

Pence admitted that between July 16 and August 9, 2021, from his computer at his home in Utah, he accessed a “darknet” website dedicated to arranging contract killings. Through the website, Pence arranged for the murder of the biological parents (a 35-year-old man and 38-year-old woman) of his adopted children and paid a website administrator approximately $16,000 worth of Bitcoin to facilitate the murders. Neither killing took place.

Pence provided the website administrator with the names, address and photographs of the intended victims, instructed the administrator to make the murders look like an accident or botched robbery, and requested that care be taken not to harm any of the children who resided with the victims.

The FBI arrested Pence in Utah on October 27, 2021. He has remained in federal custody until his sentencing. Following his arrest, Pence told investigators that he solicited the murders of the victims because of the fraught relationship between his family and the victims following Pence’s family’s adoption of several of the victims’ children.

Their sense of morality stemmed from their Christian beliefs. Therefore, his wife Michelle urged GoFundMe donors to pray that the charges would be dropped. There were 6 other specific prayer requests including favor with the guards and the judge as well as family unity and a strengthened marriage. Christopher Pence was sentenced to seven years in prison and three years of post-release supervision.

Kinship Adoptee

Walden Robert Cassotto better known as Bobby Darin

Later in adult life, Darin discovered he had been raised by his grandmother, Vivian “Polly” Fern Walden, not his mother, and that the girl he thought was his sister, Vanina Juliette Casotto, was actually his mother. These events deeply affected Darin and sent him into a long period of seclusion. The identity of his birth father was never publicly disclosed. Bobby Darin’s, 17 year old mother, gave him up for adoption by his grandmother at birth.

He was politically active with the presidential campaign for Robert F. Kennedy and devastated when he was assassinated. He wrote an anti-war folk song, Simple Song of Freedom.

He was only 37 when he died. He had lifelong heart issues due to suffering from acute rheumatic fever as a child. “Life to me is struggles, successes, and failures. Living is what is going on in between those things. I have life, but whether or not I am living is something else.” he was quoted as saying not long before his death. After his first open heart surgery in 1971, he said when released from the hospital – “I had expected to kick off by the time I was 30, so I bought a few extra years.”

In 1990, they inducted Darin into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which his son, Dodd who was only 12 when Darin died, accepted. He brought his daughters with him.

The 2004 biopic, “Beyond the Sea”, is how I learned about his life, though I knew his name and was familiar with some of his songs without really knowing they were his. Though the actor who plays him has been disgraced, he really put his all into the role. It was an odd kind of presentation, sort of like a song and dance musical and in an old Frank Sinatra kind of way.

Multi-Generational Impacts

I did read this book and I know that the impacts of adoption did have generational effects. I’ve written about this before. In today’s story, an adoptee shares it’s effects in her life and family.

I see many adoptees who have such beautiful relationships with their own children. Are there others out there who struggle with relationships with their own children? My birth mother and I were both products of the baby snatch era. She discovered she was bought by her parents only after they died. She abandoned me as a toddler to an orphanage. I was adopted but later returned to foster care by my adopted parents. I became pregnant at 15 and forced to give birth. I could not place my son for adoption due to my own negative experience as an adoptee but received no form of parenting support/skill training. My birth mother found me as a young adult (only after finding her birth mother first) – only to disown and reabandon me. I have no relationship with my adopted mother, my birth mother, or adult son. I feel like I failed to interrupt multi generational trauma. My failure pains me greatly and I feel very alone in this.

Adoption Gift Receipt

The “gotcha” thing is common but I’ve never liked it. Today, I read something about a gift receipt ? related to an adoption. I was completely lost on this one. The adoptive parents were asked if they kept the “gift receipt” to which they answered “she’s already been ours.”

Some comments – “The gift receipt comment just…Completely and absolutely oblivious to how much that dehumanizes that child.”

Then this – “I was ready to possibly say just delete and move on but the “gift receipt” comment really gets to me and it gets so tiring how how casually shit like this is thrown out there. It reminds me of how my parents referred to me as being “on sale” because they adopted me the day before the adoption rates at the agency I was placed with went up. It’s not cute or funny. It’s dehumanizing and gross.”

And this (I think I’m beginning to understand . . . ) “like wtf makes people okay with saying the shit they say?! It’s so disgusting the way they use these “cute innocent” remarks and jokes to glorify our trauma. It made me sick reading the gift receipt thing like what?! And with social media now… can you imagine this little girl growing up and finding this and reading that. In some ways social media had made adoption even worse then it already was.”

And one more from a mother of loss to adoption – “my daughter grew up hearing how she was a ‘gray market baby’. I was preyed upon and “pre birth matched” back before that became a thing.”

But before reading those comments above, I was searching google on this. I noted how many kinds of “adoption” certificates are out there !! Really. From Olive Trees to African Rhinos, Aardvarks, Monkeys and Unicorns. I’m certain you get the idea, everything under the sun; and of course, puppies and kittens. And a gift certificate for a day of play. No wonder I was so totally lost about the issue (though not any longer, now I do understand).

If you don’t know why “Gotcha” is an issue – read this – LINK>The Controversy of ‘Gotcha Day’.

And why I write these blogs – change happens on a systemic level, not an individual one. I have to remind myself of that a lot. I am constantly reminding myself that if I am true to my principles of trying to make that change happen, there are actionable things I *can* do that make a bigger impact and hurt less than try to change one heart at a time on social media.

Adoption Advertising

This is the state of things on our modern era. LINK>My Adoption Advisor notes – As great as your adoption profile or website may be, if the right expectant parents don’t see it, it doesn’t matter. Today’s generation of expectant parents are looking for adopting parents online.

They go on to say – We provide 2 online advertising services. You must purchase both to get started.

Our Campaign Creation Service allows us to create and activate your campaign. This is a one-time set-up fee. This costs just under $400.
Our Campaign Management Service allows us to analyze your campaign data, optimize your campaign, and report back to you once a month (and answer any questions that come up during the month). This is a monthly recurring cost of $129 EVERY month.

One adoptee activist notes – This is what we’ve always been up against in one form or another. But it is getting even more sophisticated now. It’s important that we all keep on telling our stories.

One says “But it’s not buying a human – it’s just paying fees.” Another adoptee says – “Why the need for an ad campaign ? Money is money ! FYI the ‘fee’ is directly related to what race the baby is !” That has been true for some time now.

Why It Is Worth It

Today’s story is close to home and much like family but it is NOT my story.

I’m in the process of being re-adopted by my real mom. I met with my attorney today and learned some additional details about the process that I didn’t previously know. Had I known, I would have done this years ago. The laws vary by state but I wanted to share what I’ve learned in case it helps anyone else. It’s also something Hopeful/Adoptive Parents should know is possible and to behave accordingly.

For context, I’m a 36 year old domestic infant adoptee. Born and originally adopted in New York, I now live in Missouri, and my real mom now lives in Tennessee. The adoption is happening in Missouri. I was reunited at 17. My adoptive father made mistakes but took accountability for them. I loved him. He passed away recently. My female adopter is likely a narcissist but she doesn’t see it that way. She adopted because she was infertile. My 15 year old mother was coerced by the adoption industry. Several years ago, my female adopter actually told me that she understands that adoption caused pain and trauma for my mother and I but she feels it was worth it because it allowed her to be a mother. All of her actions indicate that my adoption was about her, her desires, and ownership of a child being “hers”.

In my state, only the person adopting me (my actual mother) and I need to consent to the adoption. No one else can prevent this from happening. My female adopter won’t be notified at all unless I personally decide to tell her. My adoptive father can remain my legal father. I can change my name as part of the process and my children’s birth certificates can be updated to reflect this. I didn’t know this or I would have changed my name years ago. The entire process is going to cost under $2,000 for everything because adoption is cheap when you’re not purchasing the adoptee. My current female adopter will become a legal stranger. The same process that made her my legal mother will now un-make her my mother. She will no longer be a mother or grandmother to anyone except in her own deluded mind. It’s doesn’t matter what she thought adopting me would mean. It’s doesn’t matter what the agency told her about what I’d grow up to feel. I refuse to participate. Adoption didn’t win. I don’t need her consent to purchase my freedom.

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Today’s story – The fact that my own family is willing to take me to court just so my child won’t be raised in a gay household feels triggering and judgmental to me.

There’s more – I went from being pregnant and planning to place for adoption, to revoking the agreement on the 29th day (my last day to change my mind), to seeing and connecting with my baby (she’s 3 months old), to now – re-doing the adoption agreement. Blogger’s note – So, such a conflicted mom with a very complicated situation !!

My family is threatening to file for custody to prevent me from placing baby girl for adoption and I keep trying to communicate how HARD it is to make the decision to place for adoption at all. Yet, it’s equally hard to raise a child when you don’t WANT to – [1] The lack of love and [2] The lack of connection and support is…serious. I would love to understand why my biological family members feels it’s soooo vital the child remains with their family.

I don’t want the usual fear-based thoughts such as “They’ll wonder why their parents gave them up“ or “They’ll resent their biological parents” or you as the biological mom may not have contact in the future. What I would like is suggestions that are soul/loving based reasons.

Blogger’s note – I clearly did not entirely understand the original comment – it seems the “gay” household is the hopeful adoptive parents and not the woman who gave birth. Someone responding noted that this person is asking for an answer as to why adoption to strangers would be a negative for their child and for help seeing past their trigger about the hopeful adoptive families’ orientation.

Another notes – It’s not about her “needs”, it’s about what is best for the child. That’s what you do when you have a baby, what’s best for the child. It may be best for her not to raise it, if she’s too selfish to put the child first but that doesn’t mean she should rob this child of a real family. She adds, Please learn about birth control, ABSTINENCE, and abortions. Stop birthing babies and letting them be sold because you don’t “feel like” being a parent.

Another said this – I see you have another child also. If you allow this younger child to be adopted by non-family, your first child will always wonder if she is next. She also seems to have a bond with her sister. Are you willing to break that bond – traumatizing both of them?

Some other responses –

One adoptee – don’t birth kids you don’t want. I for one would have rather been aborted than given up for adoption and I have seen many other adoptees agree with this statement. Then this, you have already set this child up for feelings of being unwanted by its creator, you. You kept a child you birthed already but want nothing to do with this one, who will grow up to be a fully functioning adult human, who will fully understand that you chose to keep one kid but not them. Are you 100% done with having kids? If not, think about how you would feel if the person who created you kept the kids they birthed before and after you; but not you. Please just put yourself in the shoes of your baby and try to empathize with the heartache you are creating for their entire life. I have absolutely no problems with queer couples adopting kids; but if there is ever a chance for family to adopt, even if it is a 3rd cousin you have never met, it is always better to have some kind of familial connection associated with adoption than no familial connection at all. Period.

Another woman said – The TRUTH is scary. You’re going to have to face the fear-based answers to your question, if you’re going to ask questions like this. Adoptees are 4x more likely to attempt suicide than our kept peers. And that’s statistical truth. I know, I was recently hospitalized for suicidal ideation. I’m an adoptee (and mother of loss via Child Protective Services). The truth IS scary. There’s no sugar coating it. Did you also know that adoption changes our DNA ? It’s called epigenetics and it makes us more prone to catastrophic illnesses like cancer or autoimmune disorders. Keeping your child within the family will go a distance to prevent many of these problems for that child. Giving that baby up to strangers is a selfish decision.

The Story of an Open Adoption

Short on time, as is usual on Tuesdays. So I am just sharing a birth mother’s story.

Initially, I had the most open adoption experience with my son’s adoptive family. Saw him the day after we left the hospital, at least weekly for the first three years of his life and so often since. He’s nearly 21 and is close with me and my family. For years I would have called his adoptive mother one of my best friends. But we have no relationship now and I’ve been angry for a long time.

It started when I started listening to adoptees, began to understand the trauma, and told her I regret not parenting. We continued our relationship but I felt things change that day. Then, I left our previously shared faith. She was not able to continue after that and asked for a “step back” in our friendship. I didn’t know what that looks like. She crushed me when she said “we’re not family”. I literally felt broken.

But after that, I began to be able to see old things more clearly. I could look back on my pregnancy and see how coerced and unsupported I was. I kept a journal from that time, so even though memories are tricky, I have evidence of some of this. I wrote how badly I wanted to parent. I wrote about the time she (the adoptive mother) asked how she could pray for me and I said “pray that God will let me keep my baby”.

The adoptive parents were family friends, so I already knew them but they never offered me any support other beyond taking my child. She knew childcare was my biggest obstacle. She was a stay at home mom. She had already given the gift of childcare to another young single mom previously. She had the ability to help me with my biggest obstacle and supposedly prayed for me and supported my choice – but she never considered helping me.

The thing is back then I believed the rainbows and unicorns narrative of adoption. I didn’t know what I didn’t know and I didn’t go looking. Obviously, I understand now that we should always listen to the people most impacted in order to learn about a thing. (To learn about homelessness, we need to listen to unhoused people). And I have no excuse for not knowing that back then. But I didn’t. And she didn’t know about family preservation either (although she knew a little about the trauma he would experience).

My sister also offered me childcare and then rescinded her offer because she believed it was “God’s will” that I choose adoption and she didn’t want to encourage me to go against God’s will. We have since talked through a lot of this. My sister is willing to listen, has remorse and regret and has asked me to forgive her.

Even though my family was coercive and unsupportive, I continue to have a relationship with them but I want nothing to do with my boy’s adoptive mother. She continues to give me Christmas gifts every year (sends them through him) but I give her the cold shoulder, since she asked for a change in relationship.

But bitter and angry isn’t who I want to be, so I was thinking last night about what a reconciling with her might look like. And I know what it would take. I would need her to say “I didn’t know what family preservation was back then. I thought we did what was best when you decided to relinquish. I’m sorry I didn’t support you in parenting like I could have. Imagine what a beautiful thing we could have done together – our family supporting yours.” I don’t think that will ever happen and obviously those words can’t take away the loss and the pain – ALL the missing times. But those words could allow us to form a new relationship I think.

I’m NOT talking about my son here. He and I talk openly but he isn’t sure how he feels yet, isn’t ready to acknowledge or talk openly about trauma. I’m not ignoring his feelings but I won’t put the words in his mouth. I just want you to know that I’m not forgetting about him. He’s the most important piece – but this is about my relationship with her.

Late Discovery Humor

2006 Movie – Relative Strangers

This is NOT a serious blog today but last night we watched the 2006 movie – Relative Strangers. Since Netflix ceased sending us dvds by mail, I visit our local library every Tuesday to return the dvds I checked out the previous week and pick 5 new ones. I selected this movie ONLY because the box suggested a strong adoption related theme.

Though much criticism has been leveled against the movie’s use of “hillbilly white trash” tropes, I did find several aspects “true” to what I know about adoption at this point. I will quickly point out that before I started learning the “realities” after locating all of my actual genetic, biological grandparents in the year following the deaths of both of my parents, who were both adoptees but died knowing next to nothing about their own roots due to closed and sealed adoptions, I was as much in the fog of the feel good stories about adoption as anyone could ever be. Most of my childhood, I believed my parents were actual orphans. I had no idea there were people out there living their lives with no knowledge of me that I was actually biologically and genetically related to.

I do know at least one late discovery adoptee and have read about others, so Richard learning he was adopted after he was already in his 30s seems true enough to reality to me. Also, his adoptive parents have a biological genetic son who is malicious towards his adopted brother. Have read stories like that from actual adoptees as well.

Richard’s effort to discover who his actual birth parents were and his liberal fantasies about that seem to ring true as well. Many adoptees (especially in childhood) fantasize who their original first parents were. His meeting with the actual birth parents also mirrors some of the “failed” reunions I have read about. One of the sweetest moments comes when Richard discovers the heart shaped locket his birth mother wears has an infant photo and the missing button from his teddy bear’s eyes (the only clue to his identity after he was abandoned).

Also his actual parents reminded me of the biblical story because they cared more about their son’s well-being than their own desire to have a relationship with him. In the biblical story, two women both claim a child is their own. King Solomon orders the baby be cut in half, with each woman to receive one half. The first woman accepts the compromise as fair, but the second begs the king to give the baby to the other. She prefers her baby lives, even without her. Solomon gave the baby to the second woman with the selfless love. This story always tugged at my heart growing up.

As a writer, for me, some of the funniest parts of the movie relate to Richard’s chosen profession as a psychologist who has written a book on Anger Management – “Ready Set Let Go”. Reality, and having to come to terms with that reality, challenge his own method of controlling anger. His real mother and father are his worst nightmare: rude, loud, obnoxious, crude and of a lower class than his snooty adoptive parents.

As the child of 2 adoptees, I lived some of that strange kind of contrast. My mom’s adoptive parents were a banker and socialite. My dad’s adoptive parents were conservative religious rural down to earth people with very limited financial resources. Until much later in my adulthood, my mom’s adoptive mother was never in the same room with my dad’s adoptive parents (her adoptive father died when I was barely 20 years old). By the time I learned who my original grandparents were, those ancestors I was genetically related to had all died. All I know of them is second-hand, mostly from the cousins I now know I am actually genetically related to and who had real life experiences with those people who conceived my parents.