Bribing DNA Test Sites ?

I do have my doubts about the bribing but it is a real concern for the adoptee in today’s story.

I have semi-recently remembered that I am adopted, something that my parents hid from me and still do not admit. So are my siblings, but all of us are not related to our parents and each other. Certainly, not as closely as immediate family. We started to guess that we were adopted when we were children. Our allergies were very different. And for me again in 7th grade, when we did a genetics unit. My siblings and I don’t talk about it now as adults. When I was in college, I hired a private investigator and he unearthed so much that everyone was lying about, including this. I’m really wanting to do so again, but can’t afford it. A DNA test isn’t a given, because my parents have money (I don’t) and they can bribe the testing site to give fake results, it’s happened before. I did get real results when I was an adolescent, but I can’t remember what they were except for a few parts. I don’t know what happened to the test result papers. I had wanted to keep them forever.

One suggestion – Once you do an Ancestry or 23 and Me test, I suggest joining DNA Detectives and ask for a search angel. Search angels are volunteers who help you find your biological family for free, if you are interested in that.

Someone else pointed out – Ancestry, 23andMe etc have very strict rules and I very much doubt that they could be bribed to give you false results. You wouldn’t even have to get your parents to test. With a bit of detective work and some close enough matches, you can prove if you are related to your parents or not.

Yet another person notes – you’d probably be disturbed to learn the extents small local places are willing to go to protect recipient parents. I wouldn’t be surprised if a local facility was supportive and even somehow involved with misinforming the adoptee. Something can be illegal, yet people/businesses can still (and often do) break the law. “Illegal” doesn’t mean “impossible” or even “unlikely”.

More than one expressed this thought – now is NOT the time to tell original poster to seek mental health help. Dissociation is a trip. It’s not surprising someone would suppress or dissociate away from the information that they’re adopted. Imagine finding something like that out after being lied to. People are going to process something like that at their own speed and seek help when they feel ready.

One adoptee added – don’t we all need some professional mental healthcare for our adoptions and lifetimes of traumas!? The lucky few have access to those resources.

And something like this DOES happen and so someone shares this story about a person that didn’t find out he was adopted until he was 40. His sister said that they tried to tell him when he was 6 years old and he got really upset – so they decided to just not bring it up again. He was very different looking to his parents. He finally got tested. It took him a bit to be ok with it all but now he is.

Anonymous Sperm Donation

On Dec 3 2023, Emily Bazelon published an article in the NY Times – LINK>Why Anonymous Sperm Donation Is Over, and Why That Matters. She notes that while activists are trying to end secrecy for sperm and egg donors — it is a campaign that troubles some LGBTQ families.

The article begins with this story (and blogger’s note – I’ve read quite a few others with similar trajectories) –

A few years ago, when he was in his early 30s, Tyler Levy Sniff took a home DNA test he received as a gift. The results revealed a staggering truth: His father wasn’t biologically related to him. Levy Sniff confronted his parents, who explained that after years of trying and failing to have a baby, they turned to a sperm donor. Following the standard advice at the time, they decided not to tell him for fear of driving a wedge into their family.

Levy Sniff felt as if he’d found a key to his identity that he was looking for. “It made sense of why I felt different from my family,” he said recently. He wanted more information about the person he called his “bio father” to understand his genetic heritage. “It was so important to me to know my bio father’s life story, his personality and talents and struggles,” Levy Sniff says.

But by the time he found his donor, through relatives on two genealogy websites, the man had died — another revelation that shattered him, he says. To Levy Sniff, the value of knowing where you come from is self-evident. “A lot of influence comes from your biology,” he says.

Recent findings in behavioral science show the role of genetics in shaping certain individual characteristics. Questionnaires from doctors routinely ask for generations of family medical history. And learning about your genetic ancestry can be emotionally powerful — one reason millions of people buy inexpensive at-home DNA tests and sign up for genealogy websites.

Blogger’s note – in my own roots discovery journey, both Ancestry and 23 and Me, contributed invaluable assistance in my finding my own genetic, biological heritage and connecting with people that I am thus related to, though for over 60 years, neither they nor my self knew of one another. Adoption (both of my parents were adopted) robs us of important knowledge.

Lesbian couples and single parents make up 70 percent of the people who now use sperm donors, according to a 2022 study of an assisted-reproduction clinic. Some of these families fear that disclosure laws will open the door to recognizing biological donors in some way as parents — possibly granting them parental rights and more broadly undermining the legitimacy of LGBTQ families.

In sperm and egg donation, secrecy was the old-school choice — the one that seemed easier to many heterosexual couples as they raised their children. But now it’s nontraditional families who are most nervous about ending the practice of anonymous donation. It’s one thing for parents to choose transparency, but it’s quite another for the state to mandate it — enshrining into law, some fear, the notion that genetics are an essential part of being a family. In many states, if you are part of a couple raising a child, and you never marry or you get a divorce, and your partner wants to sever the connection, you can be deemed a legal stranger to a child you helped raise but with whom you don’t share a genetic tie.

Blogger’s note – Being honest about how one’s children were conceived tends to strengthen parent-child relationships. My family chose that strategy. My husband, our egg donor, and my sons all did 23 and Me DNA testing. That site allows for private communications (should my sons want that) with a donor they have had only minimal physical contact with in the past (several times we have had the opportunity to get together with her and at least one of her children). Thanks to Facebook, I have been able to show my sons photos of the donor and her genetic, biological children over the years – so that they have some sense of these other relationships that may someday be important to them (or not). They seem well adjusted to the reality.

One-Sided Relationships

Today’s story – So I’m an adoptee. It was a closed adoption. My birth mother kept me a secret from everyone. Thankfully, due to a search angel and 23 and Me, I was able to find my half brother on my biological father’s side. We have a pretty good relationship.

My question is – why is it that, it seems like if we want to get together, I have to be the one to drive up to his family ? All the times we’ve gotten together, it’s been my 10 year old daughter and I driving 4 1/2 hours to see them ? I’ve invited them down for the last several years to be here for her birthday and they either forget or something comes up and they just don’t respond. Yet they’ll go up to Arkansas, 3-4 times a year, to visit his half brother and now come to find out they are moving there. Also, why is it that none of my other family wants to come up and meet them ?

I thought finding him would fill some whole but the fact is it didn’t. I feel more isolated and unattached to everyone more than ever. Is this a common thing ? Is it me ? Am I not good enough or am I just crazy with unrealistic hopes ?

One response noted – lots of people are one sided in their relationships – I have a cousin who, every time I drive to California (6 hours from my home), expects us to drive an additional 2 hours to see him/his family from wherever we are (and will never drive to meet us, where we are). However, every time he comes to Arizona (every few months – makes sure no one knows he/his family are in town, until after he leaves and makes excuses as to why he didn’t reach out). I made this the year I stop putting in all the effort. If a relationship is one-sided, then I am done doing it all. I haven’t talked to either of my two close friends since June, due to this kind of situation. I stopped being the one doing all the calling and planning. I find there is something freeing and I am now focusing my energy elsewhere.

Yet another notices the same thing – some people do a poor job thinking about how their actions (or lack of) affect others. I’ve see this “one way” effort, so so so many times, in all types of family dynamics. That is not to excuse the behavior but to say you’re not unrealistic, your feelings are 100% valid on this, there’s NOTHING wrong with you (you ARE enough) – I’m so sorry for that added pain and heart ache and I hate to report this behavior is not uncommon.

One adoptee shared – I hate this because I’ve been experiencing something similar with my biological family members. They even all got together this summer for two months and didn’t even bother to let me know. They choose to prioritize each other because that’s who they consider “family” and I’m still just the one begging to be acknowledged and invited, where all the effort falls on me or else everyone fades away. But I still will be doing it, flying out there for the holidays this year, even though I have considerably worse health problems than everyone else and don’t even have a steady income right now, because I don’t want to let the opportunities pass me by, and because I don’t have my own real “family”. So I guess I’ll settle for whatever crumbs I’m given. It really sucks, though. And then I feel bad for not just being grateful I get to have any contact with them at all, when so many never get that chance. It’s all so sick and unnatural and I’m so sorry you also have to experience anything like this.

A mom who surrendered a child to adoption answers – the only question of yours that I can answer is that you are definitely “good enough”. I’m so sorry you’re feeling isolated and unattached. I just wanted you to know YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Another adoptee writes – I struggle with this too. I don’t know how or where we fit. It’s confusing. Sometimes I think it’s harder for them to come to your territory. It’s scary for them. I always went to my birth family’s home to visit too.

A therapist notes – this is not about you. You are good enough. I cannot fathom what it is like to find family you never knew existed and what that means to them. So we do not know what motivates their behavior. You could ask for what you want and see what happens. That is a risk. Regardless, it all feels bad and I am sorry for that.

One adoptive parent notes – I was raised by my biological mother and she treats me this way. Sometimes people just suck at peopling. And being good family members. Or being nurturing and understanding. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to feel this way.

Another adoptee writes – You’re not alone. When I found my paternal side over a year ago, my half brother’s widow and her children seemed so happy I found them. They thought they had no family on that side. I was it. We texted, they sent dozens of pics, they couldn’t wait to meet me. Now there is zero interest. When I comment on a rare Facebook posting by the kids or send a text to my sister-in-law, I get either nothing or a brief text back. I guess I knew this would happen. But it still makes me feel back to being someone without a family.

Another adoptee shares a COVID experience – I found my biological dad through Ancestry or 23 and Me about 5 yrs ago and thought we have a great relationship but I had to go to him first – 3 times. Over 3,000 miles, one way, twice and closer the first time because he happened to be near me but I finally put my foot down. He travels about 5-6 times a year – at least – and to extravagant places we could never afford – for weeks at a time. I take 1 week a year of vacation, if I’m lucky, so I said I have other places I want to go and I’ve visited 3 times (and paid the costs of travel) and so, it’s their turn. Every time he offered, I said “your turn”. I was kind of surprised when they finally agreed and came. So when he and his wife did finally come, he got COVID and was super sick – so it was only a 2 day visit until that happened. I do hope they come again. He’s older and I don’t want regrets but also, like you, I want to be wanted. It’s not that much to ask really. Set your boundaries. I think we set ourselves up for being walked on by not expecting give and take. Keep saying “your turn”, when invited, and see what happens. It took a while on my end but it happened because I didn’t budge. Sometimes I hear of them traveling a lot closer to me and not suggesting we connect – which sucks – but I keep setting how I want to be treated and try not to let any slights be absorbed. I’m not chasing love anymore. I am enough and so are you.

One male adoptee shares – My birth father lives about 3 hours from me and we have yet to meet in person. We have exchanged emails but he doesn’t seem too enthusiastic to meet up. I mean, I kind of get it. I was a mistake that a 15 year old and a 16 year old made. I have met my birth mother and she was happy to meet me. Sperm donor ?, maybe, not so much a father.

Yet another adoptee notes – as the adoptee, it is on us to do All The Things, Forever. We are used to adjusting, to making room, to accommodating everyone else. The people we find may fill a hole in our lives, but to them we’re “extra”, not “missing.” And we’re expected to “understand”, whenever we are abused or forgotten.

Someone else noted – There could be a lot of reasons, most of which boil down to: he likes and cares about you, but doesn’t feel as strongly about your relationship as you do. Maybe it is limited time/money for travel, so he uses it on the family he feels closer to/has longer relationships with. He’s probably still very happy for you to visit but unwilling to change his priorities enough to come to you.

It sounds like he feels about you the same way I feel about some of my cousins – happy to see them, interested in their lives, but we’re not super close and don’t spend the time/money to see each other often. The difference is that we all feel the same way, so there’s no pain from unequal investment in the relationship.

It sucks, and I’m sorry. It sounds very much like having the depth/strength of sibling bond you want and deserve is something that adoption has taken from you. It’s not your fault, and it’s not fair.

Wanting Limits To Discoveries

I am a fan of the two big DNA testing and matching sites – Ancestry and 23 and Me. As a child of 2 adoptee parents who died knowing next to nothing about their origins, both have been important for me in putting back together the threads of our broken family.

An adoptive parent writes – A few days ago my 13 year old daughter asked for a DNA test to determine her ethnic history. Though she was unaware of it, I have had a 23andMe collection kit on hand for her to submit if ever she wanted. She was excited, and collected the specimen yesterday.

The service that I originally purchased offers several components in addition to a basic ethnicity report. One is a health risks evaluation, the other is a match with likely relatives. She is considering whether or not she is interested in this additional information.

While she was interested in a birth parent search when she was younger – and we support this 100% and laid the groundwork then – she has switched positions as she has grown. She is currently adamant that she does not want to know about relative matches, but she is interested in knowing if she has siblings. Obviously I cannot limit the matches from the company to just siblings. So, she is asking me to gatekeep here, but I want to make sure that the information is easy for her to access if and when she wants it, if something happens to me or my husband, or of she doesn’t want to ask us.

As it is, I have set up the relevant accounts and told her how to find the login information. We logged in and toured the site together.

She has a safe deposit box at a local bank with her adoption information that she goes through whenever she wants. Should I keep a hard copy of all the results and matches in this box? Or is that violating her wish not to be told? Should I share sealed copies of the information with a family member or attorney? How do you suggest that I honor her wishes without pushing her (even by accidental discovery) to know more than she wants to, while still allowing her the freedom to access the information without me if she wants it?

I am a firm believer that knowledge is power, but knowledge is also something that cannot be undone. How do I minimize anxiety while keeping the information available to her?

There were many responses and I won’t try to share all of them as I am short on time today. One of the wiser persons wrote – I would not assume her telling you she’s only interested in siblings is accurate. My guess is she’s dealing with adoptee loyalty and can’t tell you otherwise. She’s 13. She should have access to all of it on her own without you involved. If she matches, Don’t read her messages and communications. It’s her family. If she wants to talk to you about it then she will.

blogger’s note – My sons are egg donor conceived. Our donor did 23 and Me. I bought a kit for my husband, then kits for each son. I do not gatekeep. It allowed us to fully discuss our reasons for conceiving them the way we did. The egg donor is willing for contact – if they chose – and 23 and Me offers them a private communication channel.

A Black Hole of Identity

Today’s story is very much like my own dad’s perspective –

My Dad is an Adoptee (from birth). I knew this growing up and he knew his whole life as well. I know as much as he does about the circumstances of his adoption. And I never thought too much of it until I was older (teens) and he made a comment to me about me being his only blood. He never met his Parents, he never had a desire too (as he has stated). He was not kept from doing so and knowing my grandparents they do not seem like the kind of people that wouldn’t have allowed him to, if he had wanted.

As far as my Dad’s side of the family it was filled in with his Adoptive parents and adoptive family which made sense to me (and him). Here is where I am struggling. For a few years now, I’ve been very curious about my actual bloodline and where I’m from essentially. I know nothing about 3/4 of my ancestry/bloodline. Is it weird to have such a desire to know? I mean I can respect not knowing or seeking out people my parents have no desire to know themselves but I’d love to know where I’m from (I hope I’m saying that right). I’ve considered doing an Ancestry DNA type thing. Not sure if it would fully answer my questions and satisfy my curiosity. Am I being selfish being curious in the first place? I in no way want to disrespect my parents or trample on any trauma they have…which is why I haven’t yet to express this curiosity/desire to either of them.

Does anyone who is the child of an Adoptee or Adoptee with children have thoughts on this? Would it be wrong even bringing this up to them? Would it be wrong to do something like Ancestry DNA (should I tell them or just do it?)

blogger’s note – I responded. This is as close as I’ve gotten to anyone with a family history like mine and none yet with the same circumstances.

I am the child of 2 adoptees and my dad was a lot like your dad. It is not weird to want to know your heritage. After my parents died and I was already well over 60 years old myself, I finally uncovered ALL 4 of my original grandparents identities. I have connected with a few genetic cousins and one aunt. It has been an odd journey that did affect how I felt about my adoptive relatives. After several years, I believe I am somewhat reintegrating who they were during my childhood with the complicated understanding that I was never genetically related to any of them. HUGS. I do hope you find the information your heart is wanting to know. Regardless of how it has complicated my feelings, I am grateful to finally feel whole, without that black hole of not knowing anything about our heritage, just who my parents were.

PS I did BOTH Ancestry and 23 and Me. They were very helpful in my own journey. Go for it. You don’t need anyone’s permission.

Unexpectedly Complicated

I can’t even imagine . . . a sister dies leaving one’s self a 1 yr old to care for. Further complicating the situation, no one knows who this child’s father is. She notes – “my family doesn’t have a filter and I know they will talk crap about my sister and I don’t want her to hear that.”

She adds, “My Mom keeps telling her I’m her new Mama and I keep correcting her to not say that to her, if she wants to call me Mom one day she can but that should be her natural choice.” blogger’s note – why not just Auntie, since that is what she is. However, she goes on to note – “she already calls my husband Dada but I think that is because she never had one to call Dada.”

She adds a basis for her worries – “I honestly only want her to know all the good about my sister and not the bad things, am I wrong for that? I don’t want her to worry that she will be like her one day, I struggled with that as a young adult, worrying I would be like my Mom, and I just don’t want that for her.”

A social worker who is also an adoptive parent answers – My daughter’s birth mother did not know the identity of the father. It really hit home for her in kindergarten when her class was making Father’s Day gifts and she asked me where her daddy was from, when she was born. I had to be honest with her and tell her I just didn’t know. Since that time I have registered her with 23andMe and Ancestry, but no close relatives have been found yet. You sound like a very caring person and who will work hard to provide a loving and safe environment for your niece.

One woman adopted as infant (but not through kinship) said, “I want to address some points/ language, as it is important.”

1. Babies remember their mothers. Implicit memory does this. Babies also grieve the loss of their mothers. This is lifelong.

2. Normalize allowing her to grieve and explore this out loud. Speak openly and frequently about her mom. Good memories, funny stories, similarities.

3. Come up with another name she can call you, like a derivative of your name that is easy for a baby to say. Note – She already has a Mom, and that is not you.

4. Please also normalize that your husband is not her biological father. Weave it into her life story.

5. If you don’t know who her biological father is, then be honest. Don’t ever lie, even by omission.

6. Challenge your own black and white thinking in terms of good/bad. Was your sister struggling with mental health / substance abuse, etc? These are reasons to be compassionate, and there are age appropriate ways to address this.

You cannot erase her loss, or her truth. You can be the safe place for her to explore and question it, without fear of offending the adults.

SAY SoMeThInG!

Artwork by late discovery adoptee, Ande Scott.

Ande says, Like poetry, I think images like these are impossible to understand without the backstory: the painting looks pretty! Look at the pretty colors! Now look more closely! Notice the pointy shards of colored glass!

Notice the bullshit excuses! The teeny words say, it’s not my place to say anything; the mantra of everyone who knew I was adopted and conspired to keep the secret.

Someone there commented – I see the jumbled shards of glass and see the pain from adoption and an abusive childhood that there is never an escape from – ever. A non-adoptee sees the pretty colorful pattern of glass not knowing the pain it took to display this – let alone what it would take to make those shards into something that could help heal.

I know a few moms in my mom’s group (related to my youngest son’s age) who took a “don’t tell” strategy regarding the conception of their children. Generally speaking, most secrets don’t succeed over the long run. With the advent of inexpensive DNA testing and matching (Ancestry.com and 23 and Me), I am forever grateful my family didn’t choose to hide important truths from our sons. I don’t know how things will turn out over the long run for the others.

The Unthought Known

My mom was full of sayings, actually my dad too. “Honesty is the best policy” was one. I guess it was a deep one for me, for I’ve always tried to be what I refer to as a “straight” shooter. I have a friend who says somewhere deep down inside, she always knew, even if what she deeply knew could not be fully articulated. Eventually, the truth came out. It usually does.

So, maybe I also knew that secrets never keep very well. As ignorant as we were, we never kept the truth of how they were conceived from our sons. Following advice I had seen offered, we told them abbreviated origin stories when they were yet very young, even if these were stories they were too young to fully grasp. After I learned our egg donor had done a 23 and Me test, I bought one for my husband and then test kits for both boys. They were older now and we could honestly discuss the whole situation with them and they could comprehend it fully. 23 and Me gives them a private channel of communication with their egg donor (genetic mother), if they chose. They have also spent time with her and her youngest son, when they were yet very young, though they’ve only seen photos of the other two. Distance and financial constraints negate our having very much contact.

Since learning my adoptee parents’ origin stories (they both were adopted), I’ve also learned a lot about all things adoption and that extends into donor conceived persons’ stories, as well as what is referred to as a non-parent event – meaning that someone discovers that at least one (or sometimes both) of the parents they thought were theirs – were not. This can be painful and difficult for one to wrap their mind around, especially if this knowledge comes late in life. That is what happened to Jon Baime when he was 54 years old.

His subsequent documentary is available at LINK>video on demand. This can be rented from the Microsoft Store, Apple TV, Amazon Video, Vudu, Google Play Movies, YouTube, or Spectrum On Demand.

Baime shares his journey in the interview with LINK>Severance Magazine. It is this interview where I got the title of today’s blog. It begins with this background – Imagine yourself in this scenario. You tell your 92-year-old father that you want to take a DNA test to learn more about your heritage. Your father says, “I don’t want you to take that test until after I’m dead!” You ask why, and he can’t or won’t tell you. What do you do? Naturally, you take the test, and your father says, “Fine, piss on my wish,” and you spend weeks waiting for the results and wondering what’s the big mystery.

That’s what happened to Jon Baime when he was 54-years old. You might think he shouldn’t have been surprised to learn that the man he believed to be his father wasn’t related in any way, that he was in fact donor conceived, that his parents had been keeping a secret from him, about him. But even if you were raised in a family that keeps secrets, as he was, where children were often told that certain matters were none of their business—and even if you’ve always known that something in your family wasn’t quite adding up—it’s always a shock to find out your identity is not what you’ve always believed it to be, that your relationships changed in the moment you received your test results, that your whole world flipped upside down and there’s suddenly so much you don’t know that your head spins.

During the four years after his DNA surprise, he used his professional skills as an Atlanta-based producer of non-fiction projects, to unravel the family’s secrets and lies -researching and scrambling through a trove of family history in the form of photos and home movies, and traveling the country to interview his older brothers (also donor conceived with mixed reactions) and his new siblings (who had appeared as DNA matches). One sees why genetic mirroring can be important to a person in the photo below.

Baime and his biological father, Harrison.

Saving The Little Native Kid

This is the truth – “red and yellow, black and white – all are precious”. A song we sang when I was a child in Sunday School. It is disturbing though to know such things are used against any child. Today’s story –

Adoptive parents telling an adopted child that they “saved me from growing up in a reservation,” her adoptive parents exact words. Problem was – this child turns out not having been Native American at all. Her natural grandmother claimed she was Native American and Mormon, something she believed until she was 30 years old because of a) trauma b) wanting to believe?? She says, “I thought I was this like special little native American princess because my a parents made it seem this way … also my name means princess, so it’s always been something they kinda said was related to my “native American history” (and after my adoptive mom’s gran) …”

So yeah, she studied with vigor Native American art, history, especially Cherokee traditions… But now she is embarrassed – “How fucking stupid I must have looked.. were my adoptive parents laughing at me behind my back? Were other people laughing at me behind my back? They *must* have been…”

She goes on to add – “Meanwhile, I have a gran I’ve never met who desperately wanted to keep me, enough to lie to multiple government agencies about it, but I’ve never ever met her or seen a photo or even know her name.” She ends on this note – Trauma really boils up when you least expect it.

One commenter said – “I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. And whether it is or isn’t your culture, I’m sorry they even degraded it with their comment about the reservation.”

Another adoptee offers this – “I was also raised being told I was Native, although they had no way of possibly knowing. I spoke to a few friends who are Native American about it once, and they commented that they have seen that happen often. Get a child and connect it to something negative (not my view) and you can make a better case for saving the “poor little Indian kid”. It’s so disturbing… and disappointing to learn they could lie so easily. I’ll say this though, nothing I learned, studied or love about Native culture has been a waste. My passion as an adult now lies with endangered Native languages. Take what your parents used against you, and make it into something beautiful.”

Another adoptee shared some history behind this practice – if you feel like doing some research, look into the LINK>Dawes Rolls and “Five Dollar Indians” (ie some white people bribed government officials to obtain land allotments, but this was not as widespread as some would believe). A LOT of white people claimed Native ancestry for the government benefits and paid to have the records falsified. I think there’s probably thousands of families who truly think that they’re part Native, but it’s actually based on a century old land-grab lie. I was also told that I was a large percentage Native and it was a big shock when my 23 and Me came back at 1%.

An adoptee who is also a lawyer suggested – I’m betting your biological grandmother made the Native American claim in order to invoke the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA). That act puts restrictions on adoption of children who have Native heritage. It’s a way to block or slow an adoption, while it’s being worked out. It would explain the “hoops” your adoptive parents had to jump through.

How did you find out it’s wrong? If it’s from commercial DNA testing, it might not have shown up because DNA testing is still quirky. Meaning — both could be true. You might have some Native heritage but it might be attenuated enough not to show up. She answered – “my birth father said it’s absolutely not true.” To which the lawyer suggested – I’m betting your biological grandmother said it as a last ditch effort to fight the adoption. That would make everyone jump through ICWA hoops and give her time. If it helps — I bet she said it meaning well, trying to fight. And your adoptive parents believed it. There’s no right answer on that one. Not believing her would be awful. Believing they lied makes you feel betrayed. I’m so sorry.

One adoptive parent commented – when we adopted one of our children, we were told that the father was blond, blue eyed, light skinned English heritage and the mother was 1/2 Czech, 1/4 English and 1/4 Spanish (from Spain). The report was very detailed and specific. The agency said in a very snotty way that “all the rich Mexicans say they are only Spanish but the baby may darken up a bit”. Fortunately we were open to an interracial adoption because our child looks like many Mexican Americans—pin straight jet black hair, black eyes, olive skin. DNA testing done when this child was already an adult showed that in fact the father must have been mixed Latino or just Native American. The heritage is 1/4 central European and the rest is the mix of a little Spanish/Italian and a lot Native American and that is fairly typical of Mexican American immigrants. My point is that 1) Biological mothers sometimes misidentify the father—maybe to involve someone more compliant in signing paperwork, maybe for other reasons 2) birth parents themselves don’t know their heritage or have shame about their heritage and believe myths about where they came from 3) agencies are selling a product and have every incentive to romanticize the story (Cherokee princess) or make the product more appealing in other ways (75% European vs 35% European). It is one of the tragedies of adoption that not only is the specific connection to the adoptee’s biological family lost but also the connection to cultural heritage. I’m really sorry that you were led astray. It sounds like your adoptive parents were complicit in perpetuating your heritage as “exotic.”

And this sad story – My birth mother told everyone my birth father was this Hispanic man. I think I knew it couldn’t be true because I am very obviously white, but wanted to believe because I wanted to trust her (and I look so much like her, so that was my reasoning for almost 20 years). My husband bought me a DNA test a few years back and turns out that was NOT my father – my father was actually her step brother (my grandparents got together when their kids were teens). She was well aware of who my father was. I can’t even describe the level of hurt I walked through during that season. It really sucks being lied to, especially after growing up and never knowing my heritage really. Not to mention feeling like a big dirty secret and so incredibly ridiculous for believing such a big lie.

A Need To Know

Today, I read this from an adoptive mother – my adoptive daughter wants to research her background with a DNA test. She wants to know her origins and research whatever comes up. We homeschool and she wants to do this as part of her schooling. She just turned 14, so the questions I have are:

(1) Which DNA company is best ?

(2) How do we handle the info she gets ? No one knows who her natural father is, including her natural mother.

I don’t know if it would name a dad. How would we handle that, since her natural mother doesn’t even know who he is ? The father certainly has no clue he created a child.

The adoption is closed. She doesn’t have contact with her natural mother but I do. Honestly, I’d let there be contact but my husband is against it.

This is something I’ve had experience with. Both of my parents were adoptees. Neither really knew anything about their origins. My mom tried to find out with Ancestry but other than some ethnicity information, it didn’t get her where I think her heart wanted to go. I didn’t even know that she had done this, until I did Ancestry simply because I never knew my ancestry. I used to joke I was an albino African because no one, including myself, could say otherwise. I thought my dad was at least half Hispanic. My mom did have a bit of Mali, probably because her ancestral line included slave owners. My dad was half Danish. Who knew their complexion could be so dark ?

I did make progress with both Ancestry and 23 and Me. It helped that I had some names to go by. I rarely pay much attention to either these days. 3rd and 4th cousins don’t mean much. Ancestry was helpful in putting together my ancestor’s family trees and looking at human migrations as well as employment history where noted. 23 and Me brought me into contact with my paternal grandmother’s family. My dad’s father doesn’t seem to have ever known about his son. There is still extensive family in Denmark. My DNA has helped me prove my legitimacy as a family member.

Today, I read this – “Your DNA matches are probably your relatives. But a DNA test only suggests a relationship exists.” That is as truthful as it gets and as informative. Without names, it is only a mystery to solve.

From another child of adoptees I read this (it also proved useful for my nephew in his own search and connected him with his true father – information my sister tried to hide from ALL of us) – We used Ancestry, 23&Me as well as Search Angels to find my grandparents. Ancestry was the best in terms of ethnicity and finding my grandmother’s side of the family. Search Angels used the Ancestry information to find grandfather’s information.

I highly recommend this tool for getting answers, but you also need to be prepared for a lot of information that will generate more questions, as well as open the door to biologically related family. This is a GOOD thing for your 14 year old but she also needs support at home while processing this information. If your husband is going to cause issues, I would bring her therapist in to be part of this journey. I’d also add some extra sessions where you can join and create a plan for how to support her.

This is such an important thing for her to do and you owe it to her to support her. Remove any barriers that will cause guilt, shame, frustration at home. It will bring you all closer. If your husband gets in the way, be ready for her to resent him (and possibly you) over time.