Bridges

A woman writes – fostering is something I’ve thought about a lot lately. Fostering to help with reunification and supporting families and siblings, not fostering to adopt. If I was to foster, I’d have one family/child at a time. So either siblings or an only child. I’m experienced with mental health and trauma, as well as being fostered myself. I’d also love to foster older kids or teenagers, either long term or short term, however I can help the young person. I just want to be a safe space that I never had.

A foster parent suggests the LINK>Bridges program in Ohio as an example.

Here’s how Ohio works: It starts at emancipation and ends at age 21. An adult can provide “supportive in-home” care. You aren’t the parent or the guardian because the young person is legally an adult and fully autonomous. They have a liaison with the program who works their plan with them – budgeting, education, jobs, etc. The liaison part is basic, so with a good relationship in place, you can really help a young adult prepare to be fully independent! It’s hard to adult ! In Ohio, you get a stipend for room and board, so you’ll provide meals and snacks, a private room and all utilities. It’s like a step toward an apartment. I think the program has great potential but it’s underutilized and maybe not quite enough support for the former foster care youth. But with the added help of the in-home support person, it can be life changing for a young person !

Fully Understanding the Trauma

From someone who experienced foster care in her youth – Does anyone else feel a level of rage hearing people say ‘I wanna adopt older kids out of the system,’ yet they don’t seem to be capable of fully understanding the trauma of it ? It’s feels almost like a way of saying – I’m such a great person, I mean look at what I do.

Like no matter how many times I explain what care is like and how serious something like that is – it’s like they shut down or ignore me in order to hold onto their ideals. I feel like I’ve never had someone say it well who also fully understands how deeply traumatized and vulnerable older kids in care are.

An adoptee notes – Saviors gotta save – it isn’t about you, but about themselves and their desires.

To which, someone who had been in foster care and aged out of the system responds – Yes, I truly think it’s a savior complex. I aged out of a youth shelter that I was so fortunate to have as a place to live. I lived there for about three years, collectively between two stays, and saw many teens get adopted and “returned”. I always was confused why everyone was so eager to be adopted. While I loved the shelter for what it provided for me, I would have been grateful for a place to lay my head outside of the confines of the shelter. I wasn’t allowed to check myself out, so I was never able to get myself financially established before aging out. If I had been in a home, I would have had more potential to take care of myself before being dropped on the street.

Another person without any of that background, admitted – I used to be one of those people (not saying that to people actually but it was originally my plan before I discovered the realities). Is there a good way to adopt or foster? I’d never ever want to come between a child of any age and parental reunification. I just genuinely desire to create a safe space for kids who don’t have anyone to look out for them, and to make them feel like they have a safe place they can always go, no matter what. But I don’t want to create more trauma and the more I learn, the more it seems like, no matter what, within our current system there is no such thing as doing it ethically/genuinely putting the kids first.

An adoptive parent who adopted from foster care notes – I would highly suggest extensive reading/training/therapy/etc. What the original commenter was saying is that people go in expecting to have an incredibly grateful child, that is just so happy to be in a home that they will fawn (fear response) into doing everything the adoptive parent (AP) wants. After all the AP “saved” them. Then, the adoptive parent realize that the children have major trauma and don’t connect the way biological children connect. The vast majority of parenting plans that work with biological children don’t work for children from trauma. Then they give up. In their minds, they often think I did everything I could but they are just so ungrateful.

So going in, eyes wide open, with a full toolbox of skills, and a therapist – you already have good relationship with, where you have already addressed any obvious traumas from your childhood and any problems you have with relationships.

One of the best foster situations I have ever heard of was a adult prep house (often referred to as a LINK>Transitional Living Program). They took in 3-4 teens ages 16-18 at a time. They knew all the local helps available and would work with the teens to prepare for adulthood. They were family in every aspect except financial. So when one of them gets excited about their promotion, that is who they would call to share the news. When one of them graduates from college, they try to attend the event. When one of them got engaged, that is who they would make the announcement to. Some even walked a few of them down the aisle. They had like 30 adult “children” that stayed in contact with them. True, many never reach out after they leave and the foster parent never tries to force a relationship after adulthood. The house was always there, without pressure, so teens could chose to come or stay, dependent upon whatever situation they were facing.

Processing Grief

From my all things adoption group –

Posting for a friend who does not have Facebook. We are both adoptive parents. Her adopted daughter is 7 years old. My friend just found out that her adopted daughter’s mother passed away before Christmas. It was a fluke that she even found out as they did not have regular contact. Her adopted daughter has experienced 2 great losses this year (biological grandmother and adoptive grandmother) and is still struggling with these. They are very open about her adoption and biological family but her adopted daughter does not want to engage in any conversations about her adoption, so they tread carefully between offering information and following her lead.

The question is… when and how should they approach the conversation about her mother passing away. The adoptive mother and her husband have a bit of a different view. She feels sooner than later is best but also acknowledges the fact that their adopted daughter is already struggling with lots of grief and loss (naturally) and some other new challenges that have recently popped up. Her husband thinks they should wait until the adopted daughter asks about her mom but she doesn’t feel that’s appropriate. I would love to be able to offer some specific information and ideas, if possible. Though I told her about this group, she asked that I post this on her behalf.

First response was this – Her husband is 100% wrong. This child needs a therapist and a safe space, if she doesn’t have one already. They need to tell her.

From an adoptee – Life doesn’t operate at a pace that is necessarily easy for any of us. We can’t control that. But the thing that all parents can control is whether or not they prove to their children that they are reliable and transparent. I understand, wanting to protect this child- but it’s not going hurt any less to find out later. It would just complicate the issue with a lot of questions about the delay. I would treat this in the same way that any other death was treated. She has recently learned about two people dying, why should her first mother’s death not be an immediate conversation ?

From another adoptee – Transparency is extremely important in building and maintaining trust between adoptees and their adoptive parents. Further delaying this information can damage this trust.