Reasons To Be Thankful

Looking at the demands on my time for the week, this may be my last opportunity to write a blog for this space until next week.

In thinking about what I could write and the upcoming holiday, which is much on a lot of people’s minds, including my own – I thought I would list a few from the years I have been writing this blog.

Be thankful if your biological, genetic family is intact. No disruptions, no family separations, no taking of children away or fleeing domestic violence. You may even be in a minority number, if you can claim all of that.

If you were the recipient of adoptive parents, be thankful if yours have been kind, attentive and generous with you. I’ve read enough horror stories to know that is NOT how it always turns out.

Be thankful if you actually know where your genetic, biological ancestors came from. I was over 60 years old before I knew this about mine – or for that matter, even who “mine” were.

Be thankful if you knew your family medical history and what your vulnerabilities are. I still don’t know mine 100% but until I was over 60 years old, I could only say – we don’t know, both of my parents were adoptees.

Be thankful if your parents were actually “there” for you, if you got in trouble – found yourself pregnant out of marriage often with uncertainty about who the actual father of your child was.

Be thankful if you were able to get an abortion, during the decades it was legal. You often don’t know how much access to that might matter, until you need such services. Exceptions mean nothing to a doctor who fears doing one under such allowances might still jeopardize his future.

Be thankful if you have adequate shelter and running water – I have experienced a lack of both in my lifetime.

I know, that if I continue to ponder this, I could come up with at least a few more. Not all but most of the above are based directly on my personal knowledge, related to my own or a genetic, biological family member’s experience.

You could try creating your own list – whether you are an adoptee, a first/natural parent who was unable to raise their genetic, biological child for whatever reason, or an adoptive parent. It is said we should always count our blessings.

A Selfless Act Of Love ?

An adoptee asks – does anyone else get really annoyed when people say “adoption is the most selfless act of love” ? Because no ? I think the most unselfish thing for my biological mom to have done would have been to get her life together, so she could parent her child. And I think the most unselfish thing my adoptive parents (and the Div of Family and Child Services) could have done would be to HELP my biological mom get it together, so she could parent her child. I think it was pretty selfish for my biological mom to just give in and give up because SHE couldn’t get it together for a child she created. And I think it’s pretty selfish of my adoptive parents to just take me, no questions asked, because they wanted to. I don’t know. Nothing about my adoption was selfless. None of it was centered around my best interests. I’m just really angry about it today.

One adoptee responds – As a teenager I had the feeling of “why wasn’t I enough” every so often. But when I met my biological family at 18, I was sooo thankful I was adopted. Absolute disgusting trash of a family. My adopted mom may not be perfect but it definitely made me more grateful for her vs what I could’ve grown up in. I think everyone has their own perspectives. Sometimes it is selfless, because the biological family is in no place to raise a kid. Does it suck? Yes. But in my case, I’m thankful I was taken by the state and adopted out.

Another adoptee notes – I met my birth mother who was a POS that gave two of us up separately. I’m glad I wasn’t raised by her, but that in no way negates me losing all my family, my identity, my vital medical info & updates, my background info, potential relationships, not meeting family who have passed, and suffering the trauma of all that & family separation.

Another person says the truth – It is simply something said to make adoption presentable. It’s gross the way words are used – twisted and weaved – to make the idea of something dreadful and repulsive into something lovely and desirable.

A mother of loss shares her own experience – For me it wasn’t a matter of “not getting my shit together”, it was having people actively working against me, preventing me from getting information and resources that I was either legally entitled to or that it was standard practice to provide. There was absolutely no part of me that did not want my child, but between the constant messages of “if you truly love the baby you’ll do this” and “if you don’t do this we’ll take away any bit of choice you do have”, had I been given the chance to “get my life together”, I absolutely would have, but I was denied that chance.

One who was placed with relatives shares – My mother wasn’t abusive, but wasn’t fully functioning either. She’d been raped to conceive me, and she wanted to leave her cheating husband. Her parents flat refused to help. They themselves called Child Protective Services on her and reported her as neglectful and homeless, because they wouldn’t let her move back home with my sister and me. My sister’s uncle ended up taking me in, because the judge wouldn’t give us back to our mother. (Her dad took her.) She didn’t voluntarily give us up, but she did give up fighting for us and moved away from all the thoughts and memories. The people who took me in played house until their own children were born. Then, they emotionally used me as their surrogate and discarded me as a daughter. They could’ve worked to reach out to her and see if she had her stuff together and could raise me.

Another adoptee shares – My adoption was open and I saw the life my birth mom had vs the life I had with my adoptive parents. I do believe it was selfless. I wouldn’t change my situation. My birth mom and I have a relationship now. I have a great relationship with my adoptive parents. She did what she felt was best and I agree. I respect her for it. It was her choice and it was selfless in my opinion.

Sadly, this adoptee had an unhappy experience – I am so glad I was adopted. Yes, I do have resentment towards my adoptive parents for some of the decisions that were made in raising me and with how they handled my adoption. But I did reach out and try to establish a relationship with my birth mother. I wish I never would have because she completely destroyed my life. It took years for me to even begin to come back from what she did. And that’s not even touching on the emotional toll I still have to deal with.

Another one shares – No one offered my biological mom help or support. She was a teenager in foster care with no help. She had no choice. No one would help her or support her. So she did the only thing she could do because she clearly couldn’t take care of me. She had no job, no home, no way to take care of me, no support – nothing. I don’t blame my biological mom since I learned the whole truth. She was a child.

This same woman (from above) is raising her cousin’s daughter and her story is – to me – a genuine selfless act of love – my cousin asked me to adopt her daughter because she was struggling with drug addiction. I was just shocked and in disbelief. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She told me that she didn’t want her daughter to end up in the system. I met with her the next day and brought her EVERY RESOURCE I knew of in the area. Coincidently, I worked for the area and knew all the resources for moms who were using while pregnant. My FIRST RESPONSE was to run to her, hug her and tell her this is not your only choice. Let me help you. I can get you into treatment and you can stay with your baby at these places. I know the owners, I can get you in. Plus other resources. I explained to her my adoption trauma and how I would never wish that for anyone. I gave her all the resources and told her I wanted her to look at them. Like really look at them. I would support her however I could, even taking placement until she got on her feet. Several weeks later, she said she still wanted to give her daughter to me and she wants me to adopt her vs guardianship because she doesn’t want Child Protective Services in her life – EVER – which would happen, even if her daughter wasn’t in her custody. So eventually, I agreed on one condition… she stays in her daughter’s life… she was so thankful and grateful. We talk almost everyday. She’s that girl’s mama and always will be.

Another adoptee admits – I think the most selfless thing my first mother could have done would be having an abortion instead of birthing me. My siblings feel similarly (both those kept and those relinquished). And taking a baby and pretending it’s yours, so you can play house and pretend to be its parent, is not selfless to me.

An adoptee struggles with the trope as well – I struggle with the selfless narrative, we hear as well (and some of us are) mothers who you couldn’t pry away from our children, we’d do any and everything to keep them and do our best by our children. Giving your kid away is the opposite, letting someone else worry about feeding, clothing and raising them isn’t selfless, it’s selfish. The adoptive parents rushing in isn’t selfless, they’re selfishly taking someone else’s child.

And there was this compassionate response – My birth mother was gang raped (I found this out a couple years ago). I was conceived pre-Roe v Wade. She didn’t have a choice, unless she wanted to get a back alley abortion. So, what you’re saying is she is supposed to raise me & live that rape everyday ? I’ve always been very pro choice , so give women a right to have an abortion & fight for it!! If the current administration coming in has its way, there’s going to be lots more women & children in my situation & that makes me very angry!!

From another adoptee – I hate hearing it. Because it makes it seem beautiful that I was abandoned. Which it was not. It’s the greatest wound of my life. What would’ve been beautiful would’ve been the adoption agents actually helping my relatives somehow. Not forcing my mother to sign papers, so I could be shipped abroad. Nothing about it feels selfless. It feels wrong and so sad. While I love my adoptive parents, I hate what happened for me to get here.

And this reality check – If giving up a child is “loving, brave and selfless,” does that mean parents who keep and raise their own children are “unloving, cowardly and merciless?”

And this happens to other mothers of loss – It WAS selfish of me. Adoption offered all these perfect “answers” to allllllll the “problems” that faced me. And since I was given the opportunity to become a living embodiment of a “family building angel” I ate it up. As horrible as it is, I must admit that it felt good to be told I was smart and wise and strong and selfless. I was desperate for that validation and acknowledgment from anyone in my life and of course only the agency offered it. I drank it up. And came home from relinquishing believing in some innate goodness. Which is probably one of the things that kept me alive in the dark times after. I didn’t have to face his father. I didn’t have to face my family. I didn’t have to hear the whispers and gossip ( that existed in my head.. in reality no one would have cared in a few months. So what? I spared myself a few months if discomfit?) I didn’t have to alter my life plans. I didn’t have to even try. And not to end this on a defensive note, but as a kindness to my younger self, she also didn’t know. She didn’t know at 19 that we had a strength within us that would be able to achieve great things in this lifetime. I had no idea what I was capable of and no idea that it wasn’t what they promised it would be. I knew I would hurt and I was willing to take it for the greater good. So I forgive myself and offer grace for what we didn’t know. But it was still a terrible mistake. And yes, indeed a root in selfishness and self preservation. Relinquishment is a desperate act based on survival built on faulty lies as a foundation.

Just one last one – Angry with my adoptive mother – yes. Towards my adoptive father I feel differently because he fostered my relationship with my biological family after my adoptive parents divorced. He never stopped being my bestie and a driving force in my positive mental health. I never was able to fill the shoes my adoptive mother had in her fantasies. I frequently find myself angry about it and found her to be VERY selfish. My biological grandmother gave me away, without my biological mother’s consent.

National Adoption Awareness Month

I’ve been pretty much “out of it” this month as regards my blog here. My apologies. With the month almost over, I’m just now learning that it has been National Adoption Awareness Month. What I might wish for people to have an awareness of – is that there is always an aspect of trauma associated with adoption. My suggestion would be to listen more to adoptee voices and less to the rainbows and unicorns narratives of the FOR PROFIT adoption industry.

One adoptee suggested a topic – what is something you should NOT do / say to an adoptee ? One example was – you should never use the way an adoptee was conceived (in this case, a one night stand) against them. It was further pointed out what should be obvious – “we didn’t ask to be here.”

Another – Never say “she loved you so much that she gave you up.“

Or this – “We *chose* you”. I don’t even know what this means, other than *she* did not…? Or that other parents were stuck with their kids ? Like they don’t have a choice…? Or that they looked at others and picked me…? It’s insincere… and untrue. It alludes to picking the ripest fruit or something… we were in the market for a kid and we chose you. As I got older, it felt much more cringe when they said it. (Especially given their treatment of us.)

“Have you ever thought about finding your birth parents?” Immediately followed up with “What do you mean you (want to/don’t want to) find your birth family?” From another – Never tell your adopted child to “go find your real parents”.

Never tell adoptees that they are “lucky” for being adopted. It certainly doesn’t feel lucky to be sold to the highest bidder. Or, you were chosen. To which this adoptee said – No, I was stolen and used for a lonely woman to project her own twisted maternal fantasies onto. To which one noted – “oh, you must feel so lucky that you got picked to be apart of such an amazing family !”

From yet another – I get sick of people saying that this was designed by God for us to be put in our adoptive families because that means that God made a mistake by putting us in the wrong womb. As a transracial adoptee, it was always who are your real parents ? Why do you not look like your parents ? Also, how much did I cost ? It’s also a hard question to process for us to know that we cost people money and in turn feel that we have to live up to that cost in someway.

An interesting story then got shared due to that cost question – I don’t know if this is “better” or “worse” but I know my adoption was very inexpensive, just a couple hundred dollars in court costs back in the 80’s. I remember telling a ‘friend’ of mine what the amount was in high school (don’t ask why, I don’t remember) and he figured out how many bottles of Fruitopia I was “worth”. It’s probably the only time I personally felt shame about being adopted and the only time I felt like a “commodity”. I was/am fortunate to have a good relationship with my AP’s, but that memory will always hurt….

One notes – Using my adoption as a talking point about your pro-life stance. That’s a MAJOR pet peeve of mine. Assuming how I feel about either set of parents…. ugh. I hate the use of the term *real parents*. Assuming my race is annoying.

One responded to that with this – In response to the “pro life prop” – it’s not like we had any say or choice or memory about coming into existence ! At nearly 40 years old, I’m just recently (as in the past couple of months) understanding that some of the feelings I’ve held for decades are actually trauma responses. Seeing other people that are scarred similarly has been triggering and painful, but it’s also really helped validate some of these emotions and is helping me realize I’m not alone.

Another adoptee shares – You had a better life. You should be grateful. At least your biological mom didn’t abort you. You look just like your parents (the adoptive ones). Happy “gotcha day”! She goes on – Not recognizing the loss of an adoptee’s biological family and anyone making ANY comment about them to an adoptee in a negative light. Other people telling MY story. It’s not your story STFU. My adopted parents commenting about how my life “wasn’t that bad” when I talk about how traumatic my life has been. Minimizing our loss or our trauma. Any comment that includes “I know someone who’s adopted” or your cousins adopted etc etc. If you don’t know anything about the subject matter, just move along. I literally could keep going.

A birth mother says – It’s not adoption APPRECIATION month.. it’s national adoption awareness month. Big difference. We don’t want to appreciate it, as it sucks. Nor do we wish others to grow in this appreciation, as that’s the false narrative. We want them to be aware of the realities.

Some adoptees are trying to take this month back, as national adoptee awareness month. Since adoptees are the most affected by adoption, their voices should be the ones heard.

Not The First One

It is a common experience for many women – I am one too. I also do know someone who had similar experiences to this woman in her own childhood. So, today’s story is really only one of many. Trigger warning if you need one to stop reading here.

Her back story – I am also a former foster child, and a victim of s*xual trafficking while in the system in the late 1990s and early 2000s. I was SA’ed and got pregnant at 16- resulting in a baby being born that I placed for adoption. I grew up in an abusive home on BOTH sides of my biological family. I was SA’ed by family members on BOTH sides of the family. I was physically, mentally, emotionally abused and neglected to varying levels of degree by BOTH sides of my family. Also considering I was SA’ed, resulting in the pregnancy— we later found out it was likely a ring of family members who participated in trafficking behaviors.

That being said – We know that adoption create trauma, and that it should be avoided when possible. Some believe that adoption should never be an option. I do respect and understand this will be emotional labor for those who answer. I value your time and energy into responding. I appreciate you taking the time.

How do you find where the behavior patterns in the biological family stop and thus create a safe home for a child? How do you suggest people navigate those waters? At what point does “whenever possible” to keep the family with biological connections TRULY become exhausted?

As an adoptee – First off- would you want to know the trauma that was behind your placement in a situation such as this? Would it make a difference how you felt towards your biological mother who had willing placed you for adoption in this situation? If your biological mother had the trauma that I had – do you still think that biological family connections should be explored at all costs?

As an adoptive parent – How do you ensure biological ties with histories such as the above and keep the child safe? In the event you were told something extreme about the biological family of the child you adopted—do you verify (especially if you adopted through the state)?

I’m simply asking – what could I of done differently at the time (in your opinion) other than place for adoption and made it safe for my child?

Some responses –

One adoptee shares – I was placed for adoption in 1971. I was born to a 14 year old girl and 21 year old man. It was not a safe situation to raise a child. The best place for me was in an adoptive home. I do have contact with my biological family now that I am an adult. They agree that the best decision was made at the time.

Another adoptee echoes something I have read from many adoptees, many times – I feel having an abortion would have been your best option. Having a relationship with natural family does not mean the child isn’t safe. They can have a relationship and see a biological mirror through supervised visitations. And I would absolutely want to know the trauma behind my placement. Adoptees always deserve the truth, even if it isn’t pretty.

Another adoptee notes – the safety of the child should always come first. While I acknowledge that adoption comes with serious trauma and I had and still have difficulties because of adoption, I love my life now. I love my husband, children, and grandchildren and am thankful to be alive every day. I know not all adoptees feel this way and it took a lot of work on myself to get to this place, but I’m thankful I wasn’t aborted. I do however feel that kinship placement or fictive kinship placement, where the child doesn’t lose his or her identity is a better alternative to adoption. I also understand that that might not have been possible in your case due to safety concerns. As far as telling the truth to the adoptee, absolutely yes. Adoptees deserve their true history just like everybody else.

LOVE this from an adoptee – Personally If you were my bio mom, I’d tell you, you are one of the strongest women I know. How brave and how much of a survivor, and thank you for protecting me as best you could. At least you cared, some of us have bios who honestly wished we would have never been born. I’m living my best life, surrounded by those who love me unconditionally, because I am worthy to have a life and live it to the best I can.

She asks – Was there a mothers home or a place that could have helped you get started with your baby ? I’ve volunteered at a maternity home which helps moms and babies get settled in together with other moms and helps them with parenting classes, education and job training ? There was no pressure for adoption just supporting young women. One day I hope to be a safe haven to someone who wants to raise their child but doesn’t have the ability or resources and help them get on their feet so they can support themselves and their baby.

An adoptive parent shares her approaches – I have the information I have regarding the unsafe members of kiddo’s first family because of people elsewhere in the family sharing what they experienced or saw with me. I didn’t have to verify, but there are some people once believed to be an imminent and direct threat to the baby (now five) and I look them up occasionally. We are in contact with Kiddo’s parent and I once had a party so that “safer” people on the other side of the family could see them. I also keep pictures of some of those people we don’t have contact with, provided by family members that we do. It allows us to talk to kiddo about things like “X is very tall, it looks like you are going to be tall like them.” “Your color of hair comes from Y, maybe it will look like this when you’re a little older.” “Sometimes when you smile it looks like this person”

One adoptee honestly admits – If I was the survivor of a SA and there was a pregnancy, I would never want to see that child again. I would definitely terminate but if it ended up being not possible, I would adopt the baby out and want it as far away as possible. I wouldn’t want it to stay with my own kin and risk having to see my rapist’s face reflected back at me. I would extensively defend any other SA victim’s right to do the same without judgement. As an adoptee, if I was the result of SA, I would much rather still be adopted and not know the truth than have stayed with bio family and had to know. It’s one of the few cases in which not knowing is probably better.

Then there was this from an adoptee/and birth mom, who was trafficked by her biological mom, a former foster care youth, adopted by abusive family at age 7, then disowned at 14, and trafficked again from 16 to 22 – I just came to say that telling a woman she should abort her child is absolutely insane and super disrespectful to all adoptees out here living life after surviving such a childhood, who found a way to make a beautiful life. Like you’re saying I should have never been born just because I would have trauma in my life. News flash folks – no one gets thru life without trauma or being a victim of something. Resiliency is also passed on – not just trauma. Also there is something just so wrong about the narrative that just because one’s life is going to be difficult that means they should die.

An adoptee notes – I want to know everything that led to where I am now. Before I had the real story, I romanticized all the details that I could imagine and suffered a very rude awakening when I was met with secondary rejection. I am one of the adoption abolitionists you mentioned in your post who thinks there is never a time for adoption but that is not to say I don’t believe there is ever a time for outside care. I just don’t believe in the permanent legal falsification of family history. I believe in guardianship when necessary but never the removal of identity.

Some suggestions from an adoptive mother – In your situation, an adopter should have your child focus on the connection with you, instead of the entire family, and maybe some same-age cousins (first, second, third…) whose parents did not assault you. I don’t know what you could have done to keep your child, while keeping them safe, because it depends on the resources that were at your disposal at the time. If you were a 16-year-old parenting foster youth in my jurisdiction, I would point you towards a dual enrollment community college program that allows you to substitute an AA (Associate of Arts) degree for junior and senior year in high school at zero cost, recommend several trades where AA’s have good pay and job prospects, and show you how to do paperwork for the free daycare program you would likely qualify for due to low or no income.

Answering Hard Questions

Today’s complicated situation (not my own) – I am currently expecting and due in December. My pregnancy was unplanned with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with, and I initially considered abortion but chose to pursue open adoption instead. The adoptive parents I selected are family—my sister-in-law’s sister—so my son would grow up with his cousins in the town I’m from and where some of my family still live. They’ve struggled with infertility, having faced four miscarriages and a stillborn, and they’re overjoyed about this baby.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the future and how I’ll respond when my son asks, “Why did you give me up?” My reasons feel rooted in fear and selfishness, and I’m not sure they’re good enough. I’m 27, with a stable job, savings, no drug issues, and not in any dire circumstances. I’ve just never wanted kids and fear the unknown challenges of single parenting.

I’ve been researching adoption’s impact on both the child and the birth mother and am realizing the deep grief, loss, and trauma involved. It’s making me reconsider my decision to place him for adoption. I fear making this decision will make him grow up feeling rejected by me, but also feeling like a second choice child to the hopeful adoptive parents because of their inability to have biological children.

The HAP are flying out in a few days, and they don’t know I’m having second thoughts. I’m terrified of hurting them. Should I tell them before they come, or wait to talk in person?

If I keep my son, I’ll be raising him as a single mom. Even then, he’ll face the pain of growing up without an involved father. The adoptive family offers a stable, loving two-parent home with the means to provide a private education and a secure future.

For those of you who are adoptees, my question is: Looking back, would you have preferred to stay with your biological mother, even if it meant a tougher life, or be with adoptive parents who could offer more stability and opportunities?

Any thoughts, personal experiences, or advice would mean the world to me. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever faced, and I want to do what’s best for my son, not just what’s easiest for me. I know both decisions are a hard path, so I’m not saying giving up my son for adoption is “easy”, but it’s the “easy” way out of responsibility and fear of the unknown, and it feels deeply selfish. There is a ton of fear surrounding open adoption too with not knowing if it will stay open, or if I’ll end up regretting my decision.

An adoptee reminds her – you don’t owe anyone your baby. Another adoptee admits – I had great adopted parents. Even so, it didn’t stop me from wondering why I was given away. I never felt whole, and still don’t 40 years later. Another adoptee shares – Tons of struggles with my identity, horrible abandonment and attachment issues. One says – And I definitely still have trauma. And another one – I love my adoptive parents, but the feelings of grief and abandonment are pervasive in my life.

A mother shares her own journey – I already had three kids when I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. I wanted an abortion but ultimately couldn’t go through with it. Then I regretted not going through with it for a looooong time. Like even once my baby was here. So then I contemplated doing adoption, but I’d cry about the trauma it would cause our whole family. Of what I was robbing my innocent baby of. Of the stories from adult adoptees. Of how he would always feel unloved and unwanted because he was the one that didn’t get to stay. And then once he was about 10 months, it just clicked for me. I was listening to a song about abortion in the car and was thinking “that’s what I should have done” and I looked at him in the camera and an immense wave of sadness hit me. And I realized just how perfectly my 4th child has fit into our lives. It was hard. It still is (life would certainly be easier without a one year old, especially as my older kids are in school). But I don’t have any regret anymore. And I remember someone a long time ago told me “you baby is just as adoptable at 6 months as a newborn, so give it time”. It helps get the hormones a little more under control, helps you adjust to life a bit, etc.

Being Pushed

In today’s story – I just found out I’m expecting and everyone is pushing for adoption. I’m not mentally, emotionally or financially prepared for another baby. I don’t want to adopt my baby out. I’m trying to reply as much as I can. I picked up a third job to keep me distracted. I don’t know what I need. I just know I don’t want to give up my baby.

However, looking for an image to illustrate this, I came across this story in The Cut I could not stop reading. The title is LINK>The Mom Who Told Her Cousin She Could Adopt Her Next Baby under the How I Got This Baby subtitle. about a woman who was carrying a baby to give to a cousin who was infertile after trying for 14 years. She ended up changing her mind and the cousin has treated her despicably afterwards.

She notes – “The experience made me stop wanting to help people. It made me feel like many people are in the situations they’re in for a reason, and I no longer step in to help. I don’t trust people anymore, because you could literally give someone the world and it still won’t be enough at the end of the day. They’ll always want more.”

So back to my first story, someone wrote – “I met a gal in this same situation. I shared that both adoption and abortion are permanent decisions to often temporary problems. I offered for her to place her child with me for a time to see if she really desires not to parent her baby. If she decides she can, we’ll assist her and support her and if it’s too much for her, we are able to assist her as needed with that too. There’s no need to rush to make a decision. You have time. I bet if you reached out to people in your circle explaining the situation, they could offer you the same type of support.” She noted – “Decisions made in haste are often regretful.” She suggested LINK>Embrace Grace for unplanned pregnancy support.

Another person shared – I also only knew I didn’t want to give up my baby 17 years ago. I didn’t give him up. I have a lot of regrets in my life, but that is definitely not one of them. I stood my ground and refused to give him up or ever give up on him, and I will NEVER regret those choices. You are stronger than you know, and I can already say that with absolute certainty, because when I was at that stage of pregnancy, all I knew was that I didn’t want to give up my baby. Truly, if you need to talk, I’ve been there, and I’m here for you.

A comment was made – Then make a plan on what you need to do to keep this baby. To which someone else added – or end the pregnancy. That can be intense but many adoptees agree with such logic – there is no child when a pregnancy is ended, for me I would rather have been aborted than be forced to stay with the abusive adoptive parents. Another adoptee agreed – It’s a much better fate. Another noted – there is no child yet. She is pregnant but there is no guarantee that the embryo or fetus will turn into a child. Also, yes it’s better to get a medical procedure (abort), than to be stolen from their actual parents after birth.

This discussion did lead to some “preaching”. It was called out which I will leave you with today -from a retired ob/gyn nurse – please save the preaching for your church of choice… The many varied options/ opinions come from the privileged voices -those who are Adoptee’s and Mother’s of loss…. The pregnant woman was wise to post anonymously…as potential hopeful adoptive parents prey on those in crisis pregnancies (in spite of it being against our group rules)…Expectant mom’s….Report anyone contacting you about adoption! Those ‘promising you unlimited yet not enforceable post adoption… “contact”. Knowing the area where you live helps in recommending resources.

Adoption is NOT a quick fix. It is a multigenerational and life-long family trauma….as a ‘fix’ for short term financial and economic difficulties of support, housing, transportation, childcare… Babies don’t need a multi-thousand dollar designer nursery and a closet full of clothing they will outgrow in a blink of an eye! A pack-n-play, car seat and frame….diapers & clothing. Much of that can be found in ‘buy nothing groups’ or passed down, like several here have offered. Community diaper banks, WIC/Medicaid/Tanf (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families), daycare assistance, housing assistance etc….

Ending an early pregnancy is still an option…. you owe NO ONE YOUR BABY! Sign nothing! Do not agree to being ‘temporarily housed’ by adoption agencies! There IS helpful help vs self serving help available. Report to an admin anyone, ANYONE, contacting you about adoption! Our group has helped many to parent!

This woman was also a former Baby Scoop Era pregnant teen who was pushed to place by parents/priests…..BUT SHE PARENTED… she says, “my adult son is an electrical engineer and Navy Vet (in spite of early years of HUD Housing/Food Stamps/WIC/Medicaid…)”

Preventing Pregnancy

If there is no pregnancy, there can be no need for adoption in response to an ill-timed birth. The LINK>Guttmacher Institute Study details the social and economic benefits that accrue when women can determine when to have children, including the impact on preventing teen pregnancy and the correlation with education outcomes. Study after study documents the positives of access to birth control. Women will go back if that access is revoked.

From that study – Historical research has linked state laws granting unmarried women early legal access to the pill (at age 17 or 18, rather than 21), to their attainment of postsecondary education and employment, increased earning power and a narrowing of the gender gap in pay, and later, more enduring marriages.

Contemporary studies indicate that teen pregnancy interferes with young women’s ability to graduate from high school and to enroll in and graduate from college. Conversely, planning, delaying and spacing births appears to help women achieve their education and career goals. Delaying a birth can also reduce the gap in pay that typically exists between working mothers and their childless peers and can reduce women’s chances of needing public assistance.

Unplanned births are tied to increased conflict and decreased satisfaction in relationships and with elevated odds that a relationship will fail. They are also connected with depression, anxiety and lower reported levels of happiness. Contraceptive access and consistent method use may also affect mental health outcomes by allowing couples to plan the number of children in their family.

People are relatively less likely to be prepared for parenthood and develop positive parent/child relationships, if they become parents as teenagers or have an unplanned birth. Close birth spacing and larger family size are also linked with parents’ decreased investment in their children. All of this, in turn, may influence children’s mental and behavioral development and educational achievement.

Because not all women have shared equally in the social and economic benefits of contraception, there is more work to be done in implementing programs and policies that advance contraceptive access and help all women achieve their life goals if and when they decide to become mothers.

LINK>Joyce Vance writes – Senate Republicans blocked a measure that would have created a federal right to contraception access. That seems like it should have been noncontroversial. It’s 2024. But it was not. It failed to pass, with Republicans saying the legislation was both unnecessary and government overreach. I suppose it’s only unnecessary if you don’t care about the right to contraception going the same way as the right to get an abortion.

In his concurrence in the Dobbs v Jackson Women’s Health Organization, in support of the decision to overturn Roe v Wade, US Supreme Court Associate Justice Clarence Thomas directly called into question the right to contraception as a logical outgrowth of the Dobbs decision.

A Blessing and/or Trauma

This comment, had me looking for an image – Saw a post where a lady has an unplanned pregnancy 2 months into dating. One comment said “adoption is an option”. This woman said – Yeah and a boatload of trauma in the child’s life.

When I found this image, I followed the LINK>Blessing Invalidates Trauma. She writes – When your biggest blessing invalidates my greatest trauma it sets me up for a lifetime of pain, suffering and isolation. It facilitates a lifetime of suicidal ideation, because the pain is just too great to process. It makes me feel more isolated and alone than non-adopted individuals can ever imagine. It makes me wish I was aborted and feeling like I want to die for most of my life, because my pain is greater than my desire to want to live. It drives me to attempt to take my life as a teenager, because you fail to admit I have lost anything. It drives me to a place of addiction, because at the end of every day the only way to manage every day life is to numb the pain. When you use bible scriptures to defend your blessing, it makes me question the bible and the God you are speaking of. When your biggest blessing outshines my reality, it makes me feel unimportant and insignificant. When you refer to me as a blessing, it hurts because you are invalidating my adoptee and relinquishee reality.

She goes on to share a common adoptive parent response to a child’s question – Mommy, did I come out of your tummy? That adoptive mother’s answer goes like this – She loved you so much she gave you to me to raise, and I will always love her and be thankful for her decision.

She goes on to say – I was approximately five years old when this conversation took place, and it’s clear to me that my life was never the same. Every day, I was haunted every hour and every minute wondering, wishing, and dreaming about finding HER.

She also notes – No matter what questions I had or what mental torment I experienced from this moment forward, my adoptive mom’s joy and happiness trumped everything. My feelings didn’t matter when I was her biggest blessing in life, and her joy of being a mother trumped my feelings of sadness every damn day.

She suggests – Today is a new day and a new year. It’s 2020, and when you know better, you do better. More importantly – READ her entire essay !!

Reproductive Discrimination

Struck v Sec of Defense

This case straddles both the issues of abortion and adoption. Story courtesy of LINK>Teri Kanefield. You can read the entire essay at that link.

Susan Struck joined the Air Force at the age of 23 in 1967. The recruiter warned her that she would be discharged if she got pregnant. She was sent to Vietnam. When Struck learned she was pregnant, her commanding officer gave her a choice: Get an abortion or leave the Air Force. At that time, abortion was legal in the armed services. Struck refused an abortion on the grounds that she was Catholic — although a lapsed Catholic. She wanted to give her child up for adoption and remain in the Air Force.

According to Air Force regulations, when an officer became pregnant, a board of officers was convened to hear the case. On October 6, 1970, Struck appeared before the board and asked if she could use her accumulated leave to have the baby, arrange for the adoption, and then return. The board refused her request. A few weeks later, on October 26, the secretary of the Air Force reviewed the findings of the board and ordered Struck to be discharged effective October 28, 1970.

With the help of the ACLU in Washington state, Struck took her case to court. Colonel Max B. Bralliar, commanding officer of the Minot Air Force Base, testified that Struck “demonstrated excellent ability in the performance of the managerial aspects of the work units and an excellent knowledge and application of nursing care principles,” and that she was highly dedicated with a “professionally correct and mature attitude.”

Meanwhile, Struck returned home to have her baby and arrange for the adoption. She gave birth to a girl, who she called L.B., which stood for “Little Baby-san” or, if she was in a different sort of mood, “Little Bastard.” She selected the adoptive parents, Julie and Art, who agreed to Struck’s terms: the baby would be raised Catholic, and Struck would be allowed to visit. On December 10, 1970, the adoption was finalized. Julie and Art named the baby Tanya Marie.

On June 4, 1971, the district court ruled against her, so she appealed to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit. Five months later, the Ninth Circuit affirmed the district court’s order. She filed a petition for rehearing, but was again denied. One of the judges dissented for two reasons: first, men with temporary periods of disability were not discharged, and second, he found it irrational that only the natural mother, not the natural father, was declared unfit for service after the birth of a child. With the dissent, the ruling was 2-1 against Struck.

Susan Struck wanted to take her case to the Supreme Court. Because Ginsburg was then the director of the ACLU’s newly-formed Women’s Rights Project, Struck’s case found its way to Ginsburg’s desk. Ginsburg thought Struck’s case was the perfect case to challenge abortion laws as unequal under the Fourteenth Amendment. The gender distinction in the Air Force policy made absolutely no sense. Once the baby was adopted and Struck was legally no longer a mother, there was no reason to deem her unfit for service.

Moreover, Struck’s case made two vital points: A woman should decide whether or not she would have an abortion, and abortion laws naturally discriminate on the basis of sex or gender. As Ginsburg said, nobody is for abortion. What people are for or against is a woman’s right to choose. For Ginsburg, the issue wasn’t about privacy. It was about autonomy. It was about a woman’s right to control her own life and her own body. Moreover, the facts would make the case unlikely to trigger a backlash.

Ginsburg planned to ask for a narrow ruling that would make the public aware of the issue without turning the abortion question into a hot political mess. To Ginsburg’s regret, as she was working on Struck’s case, another case–the case of Jane Roe–made it to the Supreme Court first. The 1973 Supreme Court decision in Roe v. Wade extended the right to privacy to the right to have access to an abortion.

Ginsburg believed the Court’s ruling was too broad. The sweeping decision caused the abortion laws of forty-six states that restricted abortions to be instantly rendered unconstitutional, even the most liberal of them. Ginsburg feared the decision would turn the issue into a political one, mobilizing the pro-life movement.

Family Transmission

In my own family, with 2 adoptee parents, I have seen how awareness of their adoptions and acceptance of this a being one of the most natural things in this world (note – it is NOT), led to my 2 sisters giving up their babies to adoption. This is an effect that transmits itself down family lines or so I do believe.

Reading a story today in the Washington Post that I arrived at via Reddit (which my sons do but I have rarely visited) by LINK>Amber Ferguson about a woman who was denied an abortion in Texas and subsequently placed her daughter for adoption. She notes that “We know this story doesn’t reflect the experience of everyone who has been denied an abortion or experienced adoption.”

She linked the Washington Post story, LINK>After abortion attempts, two women now bound by child, which seems to have allowed me to read it. In that story, this caught my own attention – Evelyn, who gave up the baby, was adopted by her own parents at 3 weeks old. Her parents were in their mid-40s at the time and had not been able to conceive naturally. Although Evelyn had always felt close to them, she was petrified to tell them about the pregnancy. “My parents are in their early 70s. I didn’t have a job or any money. I didn’t want to put it on them to raise the baby,” Evelyn remembers thinking.

She had dated a guy she met on social media and they had casual sex. The relationship went downhill swiftly. When her pregnancy test revealed the truth, a single thought swirled through her head: I can’t have a child. I can’t have a child. I can’t have a child. The relationship with her baby’s father ended after she told him about the pregnancy. She immediately began making plans to have an abortion.

She was six weeks and four days pregnant, so the clinic’s staff advised her to go to Oklahoma before that state adopted an abortion ban, too. Evelyn has been reunited with her own birth mother, Tamela, who lived near the Oklahoma border. Her birth mother was a teenager when she became pregnant with Evelyn. With the encouragement of her adoptive mom, Evelyn had found her on Facebook in 2016. They stayed in touch. Evelyn hoped she would be able to understand her predicament. Tamela says she was surprised by Evelyn’s call but immediately understood her fear. “You don’t think it’s going to happen to you, that you’re going to get pregnant so young. And it’s scary. It’s very scary because it happened to me,” Tamela remembers thinking. Evelyn remembers Tamela telling her that she was making a good decision and that ending the pregnancy would be best for her future.

The clinic’s doctor estimated that she was nine, possibly 10 weeks along and handed her a prescription for mifepristone. She should dissolve the pills under her tongue to start a medication abortion, according to the prescription she received from the clinic. She was told to take the remaining four pills, misoprostol, “orally” at home within 48 hours. She didn’t take the second dose until she returned to her home in San Antonio, nearly two days later. She wanted to be at home where she would have more privacy, Evelyn says. Her stomach had started to cramp. Then she saw the blood clots in the toilet. She bled for hours and had spotting for a couple of weeks. Confident it had worked, she says she didn’t bother to make the follow-up doctor’s appointment the clinic had strongly recommended.

When she still hadn’t gotten her menstrual cycle, she took another pregnancy test and was stunned when it came back positive. At the hospital, Evelyn fainted when she saw that there was a heartbeat, and was in and out of consciousness for about five minutes. Perhaps it’s time to consider adoption, the midwife told her. “No, no, no, I can’t go through with the pregnancy,” Evelyn responded.

Evelyn says she didn’t know the pills sometimes didn’t work. It is a rare occurrence, but she later learned that 3 percent of medication abortions fail when gestation reaches 70 days, or 10 weeks, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. The odds of failure increase if the patient waits longer than prescribed to take the second dose of the medication, several medical experts said.

She hadn’t seriously considered adoption, despite being adopted herself, until it became too late to even have a surgical abortion. Having reached that point, she knew that was the only option. Evelyn says she knew adoption could be positive. Her parents had given her an ideal childhood.

You can read the rest of the story at the Washington Post link above.