Grief Needs Space

Today’s story – not my own – I adopted my nephew a few years ago. My sister has a crippling addiction and Child Protective Services got involved. It’s all devastating and we all know adoption is born of broken hearts.

Anyway… So we try to keep in contact with his mom but she is very unavailable and doesn’t have stable living at any given time. Currently she’s been gone for about 2 years with no phone contact but we have checked with people who know people to make sure she is still around and ‘okay’. Her son is 4 years old. (We have had him since he was 5 months old, after being in emergency care for 2 months.)

Tonight he was crying at bedtime and when my husband asked why he said he misses his mom. (He knows he is adopted.) My husband just held him close until he settled and then he went to sleep.

But I don’t know how to handle this. I have pictures and thought maybe we can look through them but then panic that maybe that will make it worse. He saw his biological half siblings all day today (also placed for adoption to kin on the father’s side) so I wonder if that was a trigger but the answer can’t be to not see his siblings. I just don’t know how to help him.

I did reach out to a friend of my sisters to see if maybe he can relay a message and haven’t heard back but even then I don’t know what will help. She has only seen him maybe 7 to 10 times since being placed with us, so I don’t know if it will help or hurt for him to see her?

Anyone. Help. Tell me what to do, please. (Other than not adopt him because I didn’t ask for this…) I never intended to “steal him” or anything… I just needed my nephew to be in a safe place surrounded by as much family as possible.

From someone involved in counseling – I think he’s grieving and it doesn’t necessarily need to be “fixed.” Grief needs space and to be witnessed. His heart hurts for good reason and he needs safety to feel what he feels. A therapist might help you too as you hold space for grief with him. I suggest seeing an adoption competent therapist.

An adoptee shares – Holding him while he misses his mom and loving on him is the right thing here and you’ve done that. Therapy with an adoption trauma informed therapist and just being there for him. Letting him talk about her. The pictures are a good idea. Addiction is so freaking hard. Don’t give up on them – someday they might be ready. I think you should be in therapy too, you’ve pretty much lost your sister to addiction at this point, that’s a lot and it’s okay to need a little lift of support.

Let Her Lead

Not the teenage girl in today’s story.

From an adoptee (not myself) – I’m currently the foster parent of a teen girl. Recently she brought up the prospect of my husband and I adopting her.

Right now her biological mother is wanting to retain custody, but my foster is adamantly opposed to this.

Foster has been in the system for several years, and we are the first family she has done really well with. My husband and I definitely want to adopt her, if reunification can’t happen, but I’m concerned about the longer term fallout if we proceed.

We will not interfere with reunification at all, we also will not lie and say she wants to go back to her mother if she is telling us (and therapists) otherwise. After years in the system she just now found her voice to speak her mind and not feel guilty.

I’ve been in contact with the mother and send her regular pictures and updates, and even if we adopt her, I’ll continue to do so.

I guess I’m looking for some guidance? My own background: I was adopted through kinship at 16 after I was sold to a random family in another state. Thankfully, my grandparents found out and intervened.

One adoptee wisely noted – She cannot give fully informed consent to adoption until she’s an adult. She’s in trauma brain/survival mode. She likely wants the security of what she *thinks* adoption will bring, not actual adoption.

Another shared – I was in similar shoes as a foster kid. My biological mom was horribly abusive and addicted. I was placed back and forth for 11 years. By the time they started seriously considering a Termination of Parental Rights, I was so ready to just be done with it and adopted. She was NOT going to get it together – we tried multiple times and failed and each time was traumatic for ME – and I always felt the system was more concerned about HER feelings than my own. I was happy and healthy where I was. I don’t know what the age is, but I feel there should be an age where the child’s say is considered pretty significantly considered for their own permanency plan.

It’s Hard To Feel Different

In looking for an image, I discovered this child’s book about feeling different by Doris Sanford published in 1986. The summary says – “A young boy is portrayed as he sorts out the hurt of ‘being different’ . . . at school. The boy knows he is not like other children . . . He finds true friendship with a little lamb, Fluffy. Fluffy ‘speaks’ truths to the boy about his specialness and how he is loved in spite of his differences. Ages 5 and up.”

From an adoptive parent today – We have an open adoption, more so with our son’s father and less so with his mother. Our son is 8 and has says every few months that he wishes he wasn’t adopted. He has known his birth story since birth. We visit his father’s family twice a year and he loves seeing his half sister. I’ve been struggling with the right supportive language to help him with those hard moments. I tell him that it must be hard to feel different. He says things like I’m the only adopted kid at my school.

One adoptee notes – if a person said almost every month that they were sad their mother died, would that be something to pathologize? If a person said they wished their mother never died, would you try to stop them from saying it? Losing one’s entire family, ancestors and all IS sad. As the perpetrator of the separation from his family, your comfort will ring hollow.

Someone asks – When he says he wishes he wasn’t adopted, is he saying he wants to be with his natural parents?

A mature adoptee notes – Wish I had an answer for you but sadly do not. Being the only adoptee etc. A feeling that has stayed with me my entire life and I am 72 yrs old. Not to say all times were bad but this being on the outside looking in, is always in the background.

Another adoptee asks – If his father can raise his half sister, why is he not raising him? Why is he separated from his family? I ask, because I was in the same boat. There’s nothing my adoptive family could have said and there’s not enough therapy that could have made things easier for me. He is well within his right to be angry.

One shares some personal experience – I’m an adoptee and I have fostered a child.. anyway… I always think … if kids see their parent … raising another child, it would really make them feel bad – like “why don’t they love me ?” … the child I fostered has a 1/2 brother who mostly lives his dad. The mother fought her ass off to get her daughter back from me, which is great. But has not put in the effort to get him back and he follows her on social media and is allowed to come when his dad feels like it … I just always wonder how he must feel.

An adoptee asks – Have you asked him – what part of being adopted exactly is making him sad ? Are you giving him the freedom to truly express himself or are you saying placating words like “I know, it’s hard to be different”, which actually closes down open discussion ? Is he seeing a therapist ? If not get him in to one!

From a late discovery adoptee – “it must be hard to be different” rings so hollow! I couldn’t stand it when adults said fake crap like that to me. I’d always see right through it, even as a small child!

Which caused another adoptee to write – For me, it rings hollow because it reinforces that I AM different, and at least for me, carries the implication that “different” is less than and not as good. It doesn’t just validate my feelings, it tells me that my feelings are facts.

Another late discovery adoptee acknowledges – The past cannot be undone, but perhaps acknowledging to him that you accept that the way things happened and the way you and his natural family did things were not the best they could have been, will be a good start. Is working towards shared custody or reunification something he wants or even a possibility ?

One adoptee can relate – That’s a tough age to deal with being adopted. I had huge feelings that I couldn’t put into words and I was also the only adopted kid with my peers, as my adopted sister refused to talk about it. The kids would tease me and ask the craziest questions that make you feel so alone (ie: do your AP’s make you clean all the time? Do you call them mom and dad? Why didn’t your real mom like you enough to keep you? Was there something wrong with you when you were born?). Having another adoptee as a friend or therapist helps us to feel normal and understood. You’re seeking the right words but there are none. You are already helping him in all the ways you can – by keeping the adoption open, being supportive and his safe place. Please keep trying to find another adoptee therapist, support group, or friend. You benefited from the adoption, while he lost everything, so you aren’t able to fully understand and comfort him.

One adoptee who was adopted as an infant says – I’m 41 and HATE BEING ADOPTED. Does that ever go away?? I don’t think it does. I’m not sure there’s much you can do about his very valid feelings in the matter.

One adoptive parent made a point that was on my own mind – Can you increase the amount of visits with his sister and dad ? Twice a year isn’t a lot of time to really form that bond. Even with distance, there might be other ways to improve the contact.

One kinship adoptee suggested – always validate his feelings, don’t internalize them & make it about you because it’s not. It’s his life that was uprooted.

One mature adoptee tells the truth – I’m 57 and still wish I wasn’t adopted. There were/are no words anyone (especially my adoptive parents) can say that will change that, ever. It also has nothing to do with feeling “different”. One of the worst things my adoptive mother did was pretend she knew how I felt, which was impossible since not only was she not adopted, but she gained from my adoption. It’s very hard for someone to come off as a sincere support when they gained from my loss.

Yet another mature adoptee – It *is* hard to feel different and to not understand why you can’t be with your biological family. I hated being adopted, I’m 40 now and *finally* coming to terms with the damage it caused me. My adoptive family doesn’t speak to me. Haven’t heard from them in over 4 years. They didn’t adopt me for life, just for when it was convenient for them. Those feelings of hurt never completely go away. Then, OMG, comes this – There’s more horror to my story, the abandonment came after I attempted suicide and they used the system to steal my oldest child from me. I feel like I was exploited to fill their void yet again and my daughter is suffering because of it. That spiraled me hard into addiction and homelessness but by the grace of God, I am still alive and coming back to living for the first time in my life. It’s a lot to unpack! My adopter was looking for the excuse to abandon me for a long time, since she flat out told me I was the worst mistake she ever made and she wished she never adopted me. We are disposable to them. It’s painful to say the least.

When “Mom” Isn’t Mom

Today’s story is not from the source of the image above but seemed to fit anyway. It begins with – “I’m struggling so much with the hurt feelings of the biological mom.”

In 2020, my littles (ages 4 and 5 – siblings) were removed from their biological mom and initially lived with their grandma. I was a childcare provider in a large daycare center and they were in my toddler classroom (they were only 1 and 2 years old at the time). These siblings were super attached to each other, the older one protecting their younger sibling. They had trauma and food insecurity, neglect etc. I bonded with these two kids and loved having them in my class.

Then one day, after about 6 months into being in my classroom, they were abruptly given up by their Grandma (she was really struggling with the behaviors of the older one and was already raising her older two grandchildren from the same biological mom). She just couldn’t handle it anymore. So they were just gone one day, and the caseworker didn’t give us at the daycare very much info. I assumed at the time they were together. This was summer 2021.

Fast forward to Autumn 2022 and I bumped into the younger sibling with her foster family at a pumpkin patch and instantly started looking for the older sibling. I found out they had been separated and placed into separate foster homes, and more than once because they were deemed behavioral problems. I emailed Child Protective Services and did some digging. I offered both a home together with me and my own biological kids (5, 16 and 17). I did all the paperwork and training and the siblings moved in Jan 2023.

Here’s the dilemma, in the 2.5 years they were in the foster care system, their biological mom has done nothing to achieve reunification. She does show up for some visits, I think 7 total in the whole year. I applied for sole custody (decision making responsibilities) and she agreed, both fathers are incarcerated. She does believe she’ll get them back some day. I’ve offered them a permanent stable home and I will continue to supervise visits with her and the children, when she’s able to make it to visits. I’ve agreed to at least once a month, but it’s understood that at this time, I will be raising these children.

Both children started calling me “mom” within a couple months of moving in. At first I corrected them but it really hurt their feelings and I realized these kids just need a “mom” in title and I absolutely love them as if they’re my own. They also have chosen to call their biological mom by her first name, even though I always refer to her as Mommy. This is something they’ve been doing since before they moved in with me. This hurts her feelings so much and she spends much of the visit correcting them, which frustrates them.

How do I handle this gracefully? Or is this just going to be something that we’ll be living with? The children also run to me if they’re injured or scared and she’s gotten upset about that too. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but something has to give. In almost three years, she hasn’t become stable enough to care for them. She has suffered from addiction but is currently clean. I’m proud of her for achieving this but I’m scared the kid’s behavior towards me will trigger a relapse.

I’m open to all suggestions on how others may have navigated this part of the journey. Thanks!

One person shared – We try to honor all the mothers our niece and nephew have had. We refer to them as “momma – first name.” I’m momma Krista, they also refer to their bio mom and prior foster moms in the same manner. Perhaps this would be a good middle ground?

An adoptive mother notes – This is an emotionally tough situation, for everyone involved. It sounds like you are being flexible and respectful to all involved, and holding space for the kids to maneuver and decide for themselves what they need. I suspect it will continue to be an evolution.

Another one writes – I think this is a great time to have a conversation with her alone as suggested. It sounds as if she trusts you as a caregiver which is a huge plus. First/birth parents often struggle with seeing their children call another person mommy/daddy. And they do see themselves as being in a position someday to parent again. They typically experience significant loss and it can be a gut punch, regardless of the decisions that have created this unfortunate situation. Approach it from a standpoint of letting her know you are not trying to take her title, however young children will naturally gravitate to using mom/dad because they have to label people. We all do. They are also hearing your other children call you mom and its natural for them to do the same. Let her know that your only goal is to provide love, guidance and support for the children. See if she is ok with them calling you mommy Tish and them calling her mommy “her name”. This may not feel good but it may be a middle ground. Those babies do see you as mom. You are their safety and comfort. They don’t understand all the other stuff, so it makes sense that it would confuse them. This will be a challenging situation but helping her understand that she is still an important part of their lives should be the focus. This is heavy stuff. Breathe deeply through it.

Another said something similar – Sit down with her (and not in the presence of the kids) and tell her to stop correcting them when they call you mom because you are ALSO “their mother” now. You are the one doing all the “mom” things all the time. This doesn’t take away from the truth that she gave birth to them but she has to know her role at the moment in the play we call Life. Remind her, that when they get hurt they’re going to run to you because you’re the one who takes care of them day in and day out. Tell her it’s like when your sibling comes over with their kids, they will love on you and stuff but if anything goes south those kids are going to run to your sibling, even though you’re their aunt and very close.

Born Twice

At his website, LINK>David Bohl writes – I am often asked about the title of my memoir, Parallel Universes, and how I came up with it. There are many different reasons it fits for me, but the simplest explanation is that I needed to describe what it was like to be born twice during one lifetime—as someone who had been relinquished at birth and as someone who recovered from addiction and healed from trauma. And I also needed a title not just to my book, but to my life, something that would be stamped into the fabric of my world and signal both to me and to others as to what sort of story I’d been living.

Being able to share stories is what makes us feel less alone; it’s what connects us more than anything. Sharing stories is also how we honor and acknowledge both our pain and our joy, how we situate ourselves among others, and how we relate. Being able to share and being known is one of the first steps to healing. blogger’s note – I believe this. That is why I am often sharing other people’s stories – because we are able to learn from their experiences.

It’s a human pursuit to look for the meaning of life, to try to make sense of the world and of our past. Stories also inform how we might act in the future. He notes – I didn’t arrive at my Parallel Universe place out of the blue nor easily. I had to face my Reality, however painful, and I had to look back into my past for some answers. I got enough context that I was able to develop that narrative.

Every abandoned person has to acknowledge that there was a family of origin, but how they deal with that is unique to each person. blogger’s note – even for the child of two adoptees, it was somewhat startling to come to grips that there were these other people, to whom I am genetically related, out there living lives I was totally unaware of, as they were also totally unaware of me.

My own dad was one of these – There are people who prefer not to know anything about their origins, who don’t consider the alternative reality that never was – where they grow up with different parents and in different circumstances. And there are people for whom this knowledge is essential and who find solace in putting as many puzzle pieces together as possible. blogger’s note – And that one was me.

He end with this thought – There is no wrong or right way to do this. I’ve talked with people who shared that their apprehension comes from not being able to find closure and not wanting to add to their problems. There are people who have tried to find closure and ended up further traumatized. There are people like me for whom those findings were a bitter-sweet discovery, one that I’m still processing and probably will process for the rest of my life. What unites all of us is that we all need some kind of a narrative to our life to simply make sense of it.

Missing Dad

Father’s Day is Sunday, June 18th. Today, I read this in my all things adoption group from an adoptee – Fathers day this Sunday. I’ve been crying on and off all day, heartbroken that another father’s day will be spent without my dad. My adoptive dad is a good dad. It took work and therapy but both of my adoptive parents are trying to prove they have changed.

But I just want a hug from my dad. All I’ve ever wished for is a hug from him. He knows I want contact, says his schizophrenia and addiction are bad at the moment. He wasn’t an addict until I was 10/11. Because he knew he’d never see me again.

My mum put me in foster/adoptive care behind his back, when I was 6 months old. She abused me and he tried to take me out of the house. So she called the police, lied about it and they told him he had no rights to take me. I know my mum should never have had custody, but I didn’t need to be adopted. My dad was such a capable man and I hate the fact I’ve missed out on 23+ years with him.

The year was 2000 and she later adds more detail – My mum also lied about him sexually abusing me, after he reported her beating me and was saying he’d take me out of the house. The police said, if he left with me, they’d charge him with kidnapping. His whole foster family were wanting temporary custody, while he got his meds right and my mum chose to lie and put me in care with others instead.

She later explains – he wants contact but doesn’t want to hurt me, not realizing this is rejection and hurts me more. I want to respect his wishes of no contact but at the same time, I feel I’ve always put others before me and I deserve answers.

Someone replied – Just keep in mind that his disease is not your fault and it’s not a representation of his feelings for you.

Another adoptee admitted – my biological mom was schizophrenic and the removal of her kids spiraled her into addiction as well. I never met her. Only spoke to her on the phone.

blogger’s note – schizophrenia matters to me personally. It appears that it was latent but that an accident triggered it into an active state with my youngest sister. It really is a complicated situational relationship, when one has a family member caught up in the effects.

She Just Got Lost

Amanda Deza with daughter Veronica

A sad story today by way of The Guardian LINK>DNA used to identify California mother whose body was found 27 years ago. There is a clearer, better photo at The Guardian article. Her daughter, Veronica Tovar, contributed the DNA sample. Veronica was removed from her mother’s home at the age of three along with her other siblings. Her mother did want her children to stay together and the three were eventually placed in the same adoptive home.

Veronica says of her mother “She loved her kids even though she wasn’t here with us. That feeling never left me. She did the best she could with what she had. For me, for what I feel and the memories I have, it’s almost like she just got lost. I think she didn’t have the support she needed to thrive.” As she waited to hear back from police, she pored over details of the case and the reality of what her mother endured began to sink in. “I sat on pins and needles until I found out. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I couldn’t stop reading about her case,” she said. “It is so unfair, so unjust, the brutality of how she was murdered.

She remembers being able to sense her mother’s struggles. “Before I was taken I do remember feeling sadness from her,” Tovar said. “I remember my mom was really sad.” Tovar is the only one of Deza’s children involved with the case. Her brother and sister are not up to taking part, she said. They were removed from her mother’s home before her and none of them know why. “We still just don’t know. On top of the not knowing we didn’t know what happened. We didn’t know why she never contacted us.” She adds, “I remember her playing with me in the sand one time. I remember her loving me. I can feel that. She did love me. She was sweet.”

Investigators believe she disappeared at the age of 29. She was last seen in 1994 with a man she had met at a rehab facility in the city of Napa, nearly 80 miles from where her remains were eventually found. Authorities said there was never a missing person report filed for Deza, who they described as experiencing “challenging times” before she died. On a spring day in 1995, a group of recyclers scavenging along a northern California canal made a grim discovery – the remains of a woman bound and gagged inside a partly submerged refrigerator. Authorities believed the body, described as being that of a woman between 29 and 41 years old with strawberry blond hair, had been underwater for several months.

The Cost Of Hidden Stress

The trauma that afflicts many adoptees occurred pre-language and so the source of it’s effects can seem mysterious but the impacts are very real. Today, I learned about this man – LINK>Dr Gabor Mate. It seemed to fit what I am posting so often in this blog that I thought I would make today’s about him.

For example, one of his books is titled When The Body Says No – “disease can be the body’s way of saying no to what the mind cannot or will not acknowledge.” Dr Mate also believes that “The essential condition for healthy development is the child’s relationship with nurturing adults.” And yet, time and again, I read from adoptees that their adoptive parents were really not prepared to be the kind of parents this subset of our population needed. Under Topics, he has many articles related to LINK>Trauma.

During the pandemic, in April 2021, Dr Mate hosted an online event with Zara Phillips. She is the author of LINK>Somebody’s Daughter, subtitled A Moving Journey of Discovery, Recovery and Adoption. The event information noted that adoptees and children who are fostered are over-represented in the prison system, addiction clinics and are 4 times more likely than their peers to attempt suicide. This talk considered why that would be and what, if anything adoptees and their caregivers can do about it. For many, when we talk about adoption, we talk about placing children in need, into loving homes to parents that want them. The assumption behind these conversations is that love will overcome all challenges and obstacles. What we don’t talk about, or rarely, is that the adoption in the new home comes about because another home has ended, or perhaps not even begun. We forget that all adoption is formed from loss. Love is essential but it is not enough. They discussed what it means to carry the trauma of being relinquished. How adoption is not a one-time event but has a lifelong impact. They considered how unresolved trauma can lead to addiction and suicidal thinking. Also what, if anything, an adoptee (and those that support them) can do to heal and recover.

Often adoptive parents think that their love will be enough but time and again that is proven wrong when it comes to adopted children. Dr Mate brings up the myth of the blank slate baby which Georgia Tann used to highlight in selling babies.

There is a LOT at Dr Mate’s website. I believe much that is there could prove helpful to the people who read and follow my blog. Absolutely, he is about how to heal.

Romanticized Christmas Adoption

It’s everywhere, not only at this time of year but throughout the year. One adoptee wrote – be aware of your Christmas movie viewing. The orphan/adoption plot line is strong this time of year! you may be looking for Christmas movies to view with your children. I have personally decided to use this as an opportunity to teach my kids about my adoption status, and help empower them to be educated non-adopted members of society, and hopefully avoid their desensitization/romanticized experience of others’ adoptive storylines. Join me in my campaign to keep the trauma-aware population growing! (Yes, I am part of such a campaign !!)

Regarding Christmas Princess on Amazon Prime: a former foster care youth adoptee whose adoptee status is her vehicle to position herself as a Rose Bowl Parade princess. There are flashback scenes to her addicted first mother’s neglect, their home removal, and some overt/horrifically blatant guilt tripping from her adoptive parents. (The adoptee says – I’m not being sensitive…when she is wrestling with her attachment issues and then *surprise* is approached by her birth mother, she tells her adoptive parents about it. Her adoptive dad says “it’s like you don’t appreciate everything we’ve done for you! When will you learn we’re you’re family!” Pretty tough to watch for me and they just gloss over it like that was excellent parenting and she’s the one with the problem. Needless to say, I was triggered – which doesn’t happen all that often for me.)

The adoptee adds this side note – as a kid I had an obsession with orphan stories. (Blogger’s note – it is interesting that I was too but I thought my adoptee parents were orphans when in reality they were not – there were families out there living lives we were unaware of.) I read every tragic book I could find, and was not triggered—only intrigued—by the plethora of stories I found (in my desire to romanticize my situation.) So, I’m not saying don’t let them watch potentially triggering material. I mean, by all means, if you know they have a trigger, for the love of everything, please respect that. Not all kids are able to articulate their reactions, so I’m just saying, as in all good parenting: be alert, be aware, be available to talk it out. Literally pause the movie and say “that was completely out of bounds for him to be guilting her like that. It really rubbed me the wrong way. What do you think?” and follow it up with intentional discussion “why do movie makers seem to gravitate toward adoption stories? What do you think that’s about? How do you feel about that?” or “do you like movies that involve adoption? Do you ever relate to the characters? I find myself sympathetic to the adoptive mom, I don’t want her to feel rejected, but even more so, I find myself feeling protective of the kid. The top priority should be their well-being, right?” Engage engage engage! If they happen to open up to you, please please be encouraging and sympathetic in your response!!! If I had felt free to express all of my curiosity, emotion, feelings of rejection without dismissive “How could you not feel lovable?! We love you SO much!” I would have processed much of my adoption better along the way.

Other themed Christmas movies – Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer – the island of misfits, Santa Paws (note – my wife watched it and was surprised it has a foster care theme, with it showing the foster mom as mean and evil.), Elf (Buddy is a late discovery adoptee who learns he is not in fact an elf like he had always believed, despite it being very obvious because of his physical size. The whole movie is about reunion with his father and there are some hard rejection moments in there.), Annabelle’s Christmas Wish (is about a boy who is orphaned and lives with his grandfather. There is holiday magic but also an entire plot about how his wealthy aunt is weaponizing Child Protective Services to take the boy away). There are probably others, this is just a short list offered so far.

From an adoptive parent who adopted from foster care – I’m pretty sensitive when adoption is part of a story line, and always concerned about how my adopted child will feel upon watching movies centered around adoption. But yes, my daughter is very intrigued by adoption stories and it gives us a chance to discuss healthy vs. non-healthy relationships and how no two families are the same. She doesn’t yet know everything that happened to put her into foster care. I appreciate hearing adoptees’ perspectives to know how to better navigate parenting her.

Never Good Enough

I’m going to let this person’s words stand on their own merits and be “enough.” Not being “enough” in whatever way is a common experience for adoptees.

I’ve always been the black sheep of the family with how shitty my mental health has been since I was young. Always getting in trouble for being ‘too sensitive’. Yelled at, shamed, ignored or bullied into silence. My adoptive parents had high expectations of me and gave me such a great life. I tried to live up to that, but always fell short…nothing was ever good enough for them. I have burned myself out trying to please them and ultimately turned to addiction to self-medicate.

I was diagnosed with ADD at 14, so I could be put into a private school because I was ‘too difficult’. I wasn’t…I just had a hard time coping in school and understanding everything…It was very expensive and they hold it over my head a lot, because my mental health never recovered enough to attend a university or college…my step brothers also had mental health issues as well, but they’ve both turned out financially successful. They compare us a lot. One brother won’t even acknowledge me anymore, even in family settings, ‘because of how much I’ve put the family through’… the shame is soul-crushing.

It’s been just over a year in recovery, but they’re always quick to point out what I’m doing wrong. They think ‘I should be fixed by now’, yet still tell me I need to improve because no one likes to be around me. This is a long time in the making, but I’m officially exploring an Autsim diagnosis. I’ve kept this to myself, because in the past, they’ve gotten very angry about it…they tell me somethings wrong with me but REFUSE to accept that it’s likely autism, because ‘that would make them,’ a bad parent…it’s not about THEM. It’s about understanding ME. My meltdowns, my mood swings, my ‘weirdness’, how I relate and have relationships with people and the world itself. I’ve been involved with different psychiatrists since childhood, because I was ‘too sensitive’. I feel like I have to argue this diagnosis to them for them to accept and try to understand me.

They tell me I’m a hypochondriac for trying to find something that’s wrong, yet they’re the ones TELLING ME there’s something wrong with me and that I need to seek help. I’m on meds, in therapy, I’ve been on disability long term, which pays my rent and food. I feel I’m doing EVERYTHING I can to make things work…but they’re not doing anything to help this situation, then tell me I’m the problem. I was told recently after an interaction, when I attempted to put up an emotional boundary and explain it, that life isn’t fair and I have to do things I don’t like. I calmly told them, ‘I don’t like much in life, but still I’m rising to meet the task’. The fact that I was stating my needs right then – caused a blowout and I was kicked out of the car.

Honestly I’m so hurt and tired. The self-hatred and shame never goes away…I don’t mean to sound like I’m blaming others and not taking responsibility for my actions. I was so blinded by wanting to stop the pain through addiction, I didn’t know how it affected everyone else. I was trying to self-destruct, instead of hurting anyone else’s feelings. When self-medicating, I’d isolate, so others wouldn’t get roped into my misery. I didn’t steal or beg family or friends for money. I wanted my parents to know that I respected them enough not to take their things, even when I was self-destructing.

Now that I’m realizing I was trying to manage my autism, PTSD, ADD – I have started talking with my doctor and therapist about making positive changes to help me. But I’m at a loss with my family. They won’t be receptive to this the possibility of autism and will think I’m ‘trying to find something else to blame’. I’m not…I’m just trying to understand myself, so I can function in this society. Like they’ve wanted me to all along. I’ve been killing myself trying to make them happy and it never feels like enough.