Tag: Adoption

Home Children

I had not heard the term Home Children, though it is not surprising as it relates to Canada. We have been watching the Acorn series – Murdoch Mysteries – though last night’s episode titled “Child’s Play” did not play properly for us – freezing and skipping – so we never got to the conclusion. After our local library “cleans” the disk, maybe we can check it out again and be able to see the full story.

The story was about a ragamuffin group of boys that were called Home Children. These were children rounded up from the streets of London and shipped off to Canada – there was also an adoption theme in the story. So, I went looking to learn more about these children. More than 100,000 children were sent from the United Kingdom to Australia, Canada, New Zealand, and South Africa. The program was largely discontinued in the 1930s but not entirely terminated until the 1970s. Research in the 1980s, exposed the abuse and hardships endured by the relocated children.

The practice of sending poor or orphaned children to English and later British colonies, to help alleviate the shortage of labor, began in 1618, with the rounding-up and transportation of one hundred English vagrant children to the Virginia Colony. In the 18th century, labor shortages in the overseas colonies also encouraged the transportation of children for work in the Americas, and large numbers of children were forced to migrate, most of them from Scotland. This practice continued until it was exposed in 1757, following a civil action against Aberdeen merchants and magistrates for their involvement in the trade.

The Children’s Friend Society was founded in London in 1830 as “The Society for the Suppression of Juvenile Vagrancy through the reformation and emigration of children.” In August 1833, 230 children were shipped to Toronto and New Brunswick in Canada. In the first year of the operation, 500 children, trained in the London homes, were shipped to Canada. This was the beginning of a massive operation which sought to find homes and careers for 14,000 of Britain’s needy children. As they were compulsorily shipped out of Britain, many of the children were deceived into believing their parents were dead, and that a more abundant life awaited them. Some were exploited as cheap agricultural labor, or denied proper shelter and education. It was common for Home Children to run away, sometimes finding a caring family or better working conditions.

Many of these themes were part of the story we attempted to watch last night. It certainly piqued my interest in exploring it this morning. Much of today’s blog is courtesy of the Wikipedia page – LINK>Home Children.

My Promise To My Self

Both of my parents were adopted. Until I was about 60 years old, I had no idea of who my biological, genetic grandparents were or the cultures they came from. This never troubled my dad but it did trouble my mom. Because my dad did not want to hear such things from my mom, she talked to me about it. She tried mightily to get her adoption file from the state of Tennessee but was rejected twice.

So, I always thought I would try after my parents had died, thinking that might somehow loosen up the levers of power that kept their adoption files and information sealed and a secret from those of us treated like second class citizens by keeping us in ignorance about information that most citizens of this country take for granted.

Today’s blog is inspired by some words spoken by the Rev Michael Bernard Beckwith in his message on Sunday, Nov 24th – “You have put a dream in your own heart before you got here. You made a promise to your self to activate it, discover it, to live it fully. Then, you begin to understand your real identity.” I was conceived out of wedlock (though my parents did marry before I was born) by two young people – my mom was a teenager in high school and my dad had just started at a university out of town. I believe that dream that I put in my heart before I came into this life was to uncover my family’s roots. I had fulfilled that goal in less than a year as the pieces fell like dominos into my lap with each effort I made.

It is always going to feel sad to my own heart that my parents had passed away before I had this information that would have mattered to whatever degree to each of them. At least, as their descendant I know and I have passed that information onto other biological genetic family members. I feel that I did fulfill that destiny that I was born to do.

Yesterday, I got a rather nasty comment from an adoptee who was being triggered and thus, she was reacting to what I had written. It was easy to see the propagandas she had been fed such as “we chose you” and she denied any loss of identity due to being adopted. I believe in allowing adoptee voices to say whatever they want to say on my blog – after all – I am NOT an adoptee myself – only the child of parents who were both adopted. I answered as honestly as I could in my reply, being as kindly as I know how, because she was rather rude and judgmental – but hers is one perspective among many that adoptees could have in response to their own experience. I had absolutely no inclination to argue with her. I have spent at least 7 years reading and absorbing a wide variety of adoptee feelings about their experience.

Not everything I write is going to sit well with adoptees or adoptive parents. Though I insert my own perspectives wherever they fit in, much of what I am trying to do with this blog is only educate others about how it feels to be a part of the system that is adoption in this country. I have no agenda nor could I have a serious bias against adoption because “but for” I would not even exist.

Reasons To Be Thankful

Looking at the demands on my time for the week, this may be my last opportunity to write a blog for this space until next week.

In thinking about what I could write and the upcoming holiday, which is much on a lot of people’s minds, including my own – I thought I would list a few from the years I have been writing this blog.

Be thankful if your biological, genetic family is intact. No disruptions, no family separations, no taking of children away or fleeing domestic violence. You may even be in a minority number, if you can claim all of that.

If you were the recipient of adoptive parents, be thankful if yours have been kind, attentive and generous with you. I’ve read enough horror stories to know that is NOT how it always turns out.

Be thankful if you actually know where your genetic, biological ancestors came from. I was over 60 years old before I knew this about mine – or for that matter, even who “mine” were.

Be thankful if you knew your family medical history and what your vulnerabilities are. I still don’t know mine 100% but until I was over 60 years old, I could only say – we don’t know, both of my parents were adoptees.

Be thankful if your parents were actually “there” for you, if you got in trouble – found yourself pregnant out of marriage often with uncertainty about who the actual father of your child was.

Be thankful if you were able to get an abortion, during the decades it was legal. You often don’t know how much access to that might matter, until you need such services. Exceptions mean nothing to a doctor who fears doing one under such allowances might still jeopardize his future.

Be thankful if you have adequate shelter and running water – I have experienced a lack of both in my lifetime.

I know, that if I continue to ponder this, I could come up with at least a few more. Not all but most of the above are based directly on my personal knowledge, related to my own or a genetic, biological family member’s experience.

You could try creating your own list – whether you are an adoptee, a first/natural parent who was unable to raise their genetic, biological child for whatever reason, or an adoptive parent. It is said we should always count our blessings.

Modern Cultural Reality

Today’s question – has been adopted by a male same sex couple and how that affects the dynamic/experience for you and your journey. I am a birth mother and was very young and unaware of the complexities of adoption, we were suppose to have an open adoption but I never see or have a relationship with my child and there’s always some excuse as to why they’re too busy or have to post pone. Since the adoptive parents are a same sex couple, the situation has always felt very glorified and natural, since they clearly can’t have kids entirely on their own. The adoption has always felt like a surrogacy but as I’m getting older and learning – I have a strong spiritual desire to connect with my child for their own biological security, sense of self and development – not to over step or try to insert myself as a parental figure. When trying to contact the adoptive parents, I feel like I’m being “extra” or unnecessary. I would like some insight from your own experience and maybe some suggestions, if there’s anything on your heart that feels like beneficial information here. I don’t have a confident discussion prepared and fear if we get to the place to have the conversation, they may invalidate my feelings and I may buckle to preserve the peace. So, I just want to have a strong knowing of what to bring up and a realistic outcome in mind, so I can communicate effectively. I’ve listened to The Primal Wound narrated by an adoptee and that’s what really put things into perspective for me.

One person suggested – I find most LGBT folks more willing to learn new things. You would know best here, of course. But what do you think about maybe trying to meet/talk to the adults only for a bit ? It’s not right, but perhaps getting them to understand the depth of the damage they are perpetrating would help. If they’re not open to that, do you think they’d be open to you sharing some literature with them ? Maybe send a letter explaining where you’re coming from, how you’ve done some research over the years, and here’s a book you think they should read ? It’s a lot of work on your part, and I’m sorry for that. But if they’re decent people, they’d at least read whatever you send them.

Babies ?

With the state of the world, it is understandable that many young people are NOT planning to have children. My oldest son has said that with conviction and he has proven over the years that he does know his own trajectory in life.

I do understand the enormous responsibility of bringing children into this world. I also do have 2 grandchildren. My thoughts today were triggered seeing an article in the current issue of Time by Jamie Ducharme titled “Baby Talk”. Reddit has a group titled “fence sitters” – people who aren’t sure whether they want to have children. It is a group of over 70,000 members.

In a footnote of a draft opinion on abortion access, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito quoted from a 2008 government report on the demand for adoption in the U.S., which used the phrase, “domestic supply of infants.” Posts on social media critical of the opinion have misleadingly suggested that Alito himself came up with the phrase. The 2008 Report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said “… nearly 1 million women were seeking to adopt children in 2002 (i.e., they were in demand for a child), whereas the domestic supply of infants relinquished at birth or within the first month of life and available to be adopted had become virtually nonexistent.”

According to the Time article – “About a third of US adults under 35 who don’t already have kids say they don’t know whether they want them, and only 21% people in that age group say having kids is very important for living a fulfilling life, according to 2024 statistics from Pew Research Center. A stunning half of US adults under 50 who don’t already have kids think they’ll stay child-free forever. Most say they simply don’t want kids. But financial strain and concern about the state of the world and the environment are also common reasons, according to other Pew data. People are feeling so much angst about when, how and whether to procreate that new psychological concepts have emerged to help make sense of how people make these decisions.”

When one throws into the mix Republican panic about demographic changes, it explains a lot about their perspectives. From an article at the Case Western Reserve website by Girma Parris PhD titled LINK>The Republican Party and Demographic Change –

Since before the turn of the millennium, many commentators have argued that long-term demographic change, especially the shrinking proportion of “white” voters, would create a Democratic majority in U.S. politics. This analysis explicitly referred back to Kevin Phillips’ 1969 The Emerging Republican Majority, which argued that the Democratic embrace of civil rights would move white southerners and some of the northern white working class, and so the balance of power, into the Republican column. The Republican choice to become (or allow themselves to be seen as) mainly a “white” party was in spite of arguments among some Republican campaign professionals, especially after the 2012 election, that the party needed to increase its appeal to growing demographic groups. In spite of such appeals, the nomination, election, and subsequent domination of the party by President Donald Trump appear to have doubled down on making the Republicans a party dominated by white voters – and the Democrats something different.

From a reforming adoption perspective, maybe it is all good news. Banning abortion may NOT be enough to reverse that trend nor will it result in an increase in the domestic supply of infants relinquished at birth or within the first month of life. Young people don’t want to have to make that choice. And adoptee voices are loud and clear about the damage that being given up can cause for the rest of that child’s life.

Hard Things

It has taken me longer than I expected but I’m still trying to get myself back on track with what I want to do going forward. This post (not my own story) inspired me to do something in that direction today.

I am the parent of a preschooler adopted from foster care who has been with our family since birth. We are in contact with some biological family members. There are some really painful things in kiddo’s history and birth family, including for example NAS (Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome – withdrawal secondary to intrauterine drug exposure) and FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder – exposed to alcohol before birth) diagnoses and a birth parent incarcerated for what I would consider one of the worst crimes to commit. I have taken on board the wisdom of making sure kiddo has all the information I have about birth family by pre-teen / early teen years. No way should their first encounter with these hard things be through a search engine. I can imagine some ways I might verbalize these hard things. But I would really appreciate example scripts, models, and personal stories. How have others introduced hard pieces of kids’ stories? How have you worded these things? How did you age- appropriately build in all the pieces? What kinds of questions have your kids asked in response, and how did you answer them? Getting input from others would be useful.

First response – Age appropriate language and honesty is the only way. No opinions, no hearsay, only what you know to be true and can verify through records. The earlier they can begin to process the hard stuff at an appropriate level, the better the long-term outcomes for their mental health.

Second response – Be sure to frame it as choice, illness, circumstances, etc (whichever it may be) vs the person themselves being “bad”. This can help your child understand that they themselves are not inherently “bad” just because a family member lost rights, was incarcerated, etc.

From personal experience – My incredibly humble two cents….because of some “garbage” as I term it that has happened to me, I have been forced to learn a lot about trauma and the impact of intergenerational trauma and mental health. I would suggest that any family background you can learn *might* be useful for giving your child a full story.

From another parent – I’m in this boat too. Very similar story and a lot of medical implications for my son consequently. I’m trying to explain adoption and all the history in an age appropriate way to a child who also has impairment. It is HARD. He can’t ask questions in a normal way so you never know how much to tell without flooding him but still wanting to build a foundation of honesty.

This suggestion – Look into creating a Life Book for them as a tool for discussion. Maybe you can work on it together? It will help you put things in context and use it as talking points. Be sure to remove all aspects of judgment about a situation or action, use simple plain language terms. Something else to think about it “truth” as we know it today changes over time. New revelations may come out over the years that alter what you think you know now. (It happened with one of my kiddos.) Listening to adult adoptees talking about how they were told their stories made me realize how important it is to frame information as “we were told this…” and not to make a statement that implied we KNEW the whole truth about something. It can be a bit tricky.

Unfortunate experiences along the way – What occurred with my kids, re: the life and death of their one parent and the crime their stepparent committed was horrible. Students in my 7, 8, and 12 year old classes bullied my kids because their parents found information about my kids parents on the web. Some kids told my 7 year old, that their parent who died was in hell, because all drug dealers belong in hell. My 12 year old never had friends, because parents didn’t want their kids around a kid whose parent’s crime was so horrific. I have talked with compassion to my kids, about the parent who died. I’ve talked in small pieces about other people who have committed the crime of the other parent. I have not been specific to anything that is not information found on the web. I’m letting their therapist address this, but the kids are now 12 and 13 and have told me I need to be honest with them, so I do answer specific questions they ask me. I let them be in control of what they want to know. I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I don’t. Your family is in my thoughts.

A Connection With Mom

From an adoptee – this is exactly how I’ve felt my whole life. Then, when I did get pregnant, this is what it felt like in the opposite way with my son inside me. He’s the first person I’ve ever met related to me and it’s such an awesome feeling. Biology matters!

A trans-racial adoptee affirms – this speaks so much. We are tied to our birth mother, even when we are given up at birth.

Another adoptee writes – It definitely resonates with me. Whether in reunion or not, we are always tied to our mothers.

A mother who relinquished due to coercion writes – Very much connected and bonded to my kiddo before he was born. Which is why the coercion comes into play. They want to sever that connection as long and as much as possible by messing with your brain so you sign those papers.

One adoptee shared the image above, saying – this highlights the depth of loss from the child’s perspective. If you can’t get them to care about the mother, maybe they’ll at least care about the impact separation has on the child.

One adoptee shared – My mom quoted a poem she read in an Ann Landers Column “I didn’t grow you under my heart but in it”. Blogger’s note – In trying to check this out, I found it was actually by LINK>Fleur Conkling Heyliger and relates to having adopted a child. The “mom” was likely her adoptive mother, not her birth mother. I suppose either Ann Landers was a more well-known name or that she actually did share this in a column but I couldn’t prove that. Another adoptee pushed back – except we grew in our Mother’s womb, just like everyone else. That poem is for an adoptive parents benefit.

Another adoptee regarding the drawing at the top of this blog wrote – The deep, lasting connection to our mothers wordlessly and clearly expressed. I like it a lot.

A mother of loss shares – This is why, when I first talked to my son at 30 years old, he said talking to me was so easy, it’s like he had known me forever. It’s a string that should never be broken.

One person shared her first reaction to the drawing at the top of this blog – when I first saw this, I immediately thought it was pro life propaganda. An adoptee admitted – I did too, but only for a flash – the heartbeat thing. Then my adoptee kicked in and I saw something else.

Another adoptee goes full in with a long comment – I think that no matter what – a child is always connected to their mother. They grew inside them, they are the one that gave them life. Their mother felt them grow and move inside their body and that connection is unmatched to any other sort of connection.

The drawing was shared because it relates to a specific situation and so, she elaborates on that – A minor being forced or pressured to give their child up for adoption would be such a devastating loss, especially if this is how the mom feels about her baby. The worst loss anyone can feel is the loss of a child and then, next the loss of a parent. Imagine trying to grieve that loss but knowing they are still alive.

You know you are still connected by that red string of fate but it was cut by adults who felt like they knew more or better than you did. I couldn’t imagine that feeling of emptiness or loneliness. I would anticipate the mother going into an emotional spiral if that was to happen.

I’m not sure exactly the situation with this young mom but Child Protective Services can and will support this young mom with this child. She DOES NOT need to give her child up for adoption. She needs a voice and an advocate to support her, to help her have a voice and be heard in a system that won’t hear her wants. She needs one person. One strong person to support her and advocate for her and support her in this journey and let her know that she can keep her baby with the help of a village. It won’t be easy, it’s going to be extremely hard. But it’s clear she wants to parent. She sees a future with her child and she should be given an opportunity to do that.

Targeted Assistance

The sister of an adoptee posts this question – If a child is “available” for adoption through the state, are there ways to become involved and support them outside of adoption? Queer couple living in an extremely conservative state and would love recommendations on supporting queer youth in the system. If kiddos are adoptable is it too late to step in as a guardian so their identity isn’t legally erased? Is it even needed?

The first response was this – LGBTQ people who are eligible should adopt LGBTQ kids who have been thrown away and have no family. I say this as a person in the LGBTQ community.

Another noted – Just because you adopt a child doesn’t mean you’re erasing their identity. This is refuted by others – unless you are in a state where you can retain the person’s factual birth certificate, you are. And even still, adoption severs them legally from their family and ancestors. And this –  Adoption is a legal construct only. One that erases true identity in perpetuity. This is what adoption is. The irony of modern adoption is that it’s based on archaic “as if born to” legal secrecy. However, modern day DNA / ancestry sites now show the genealogical truth. They expose the legal lie.

But another has a different point of view – my family is black and the ones who have been adopted don’t feel like their identity was taken and love that they are in the family. I often wonder if it is a cultural feeling with identity. Blacks Americans have lost their true identity for hundreds of years, so I wonder if that is why the ones adopted in my family feel so different. I bring up topics from this group and they get offended and tell me to shut up. I just bring it up because I don’t want my niece to feel any type of way.

A foster parent notes – Depends on their age, but if kids are available for adoption, it probably means that they want to be adopted. However, if you want to be supportive, there are a number of gay teens who need foster homes and the support provided there. They are probably too old for adoption, but will need guidance and support as they age out of foster care into independent living. Apply to become foster parents. Older teens are the ones who begin to understand that they are part of the LGBTQ community. That is what this post is about—providing support for those older teens. Though another noted – You certainly don’t need to be an older teen to be queer. An adoptive parent who adopted out of foster care comments – queer teens are absolutely overrepresented in the system, guardianship or long-term foster care/age out plan with queer and affirming adults might be helpful. It is up to the individual youth, if that would be helpful or not, but in my experience many youth with trauma backgrounds appreciate location stability.

Yet someone else who spent time in foster care notes the reality – not all states allow guardianship as a permanency option after Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) has occurred. This is something those with foster care experience in their youth have been trying to change for years. In many states, if we are legally adoptable, that’s the outcome the state pushes for because it’s more cost effective for them and they ignore the fact that many youth adopted from care re-enter care at least 1x after adoption. In my home state, guardianship was only a permanency option, if it was a kinship placement. Otherwise, adoption or remaining in active care were our permanency outcome goals. So for kids under the age of 8, by the time of TPR, typically they were adopted out, those of us over that age tended to end up in restrictive environments.

Muslim Teen

Today’s concerned question – Does it benefit a child in any way if they are adopted right before aging out of the foster system?

I happened upon my state’s adoption directory, which is disgusting because it lists HUMAN children as if they’re shelter dogs. Like, what the fuck? Oh, and of course all the children are POC and/or disabled because saintly wealthy white adoptive “angels” don’t want anything but healthy white infants.

What caught my eye was that there’s a Muslim teenage boy “looking for a home”. We’re a Muslim family. Of course, I don’t know his whole story. But he will be out of the system in a year or so. I don’t believe you magically know how the world works or can survive in your own when you hit 18. I’ve heard of this concept of adopting teens who are about to age out, so they have a home base/landing pad as they become legal adults. As a Muslim, we have no concept of adoption as Islam holds that adoption in the western sense takes advantage of orphans and erases the heritage of children. Would pursuing adoption for this child benefit him in any way? What if I financially supported him to find distant family, college enrollment, career development etc.? Or even just a home to celebrate Ramadan and both Eid’s in, as I doubt he’s in a Muslim home placement?

One response – Does it have to be adoption? Could you offer him guardianship in your state? Or even foster him instead so he has a Muslim household to go to?

Another notes – He’s old enough that you can ask him what he prefers. And another agrees and suggests – Present him with information and let him choose his future. And yet another – See what he wants to do and find out your options.

One advises – there are probably financial benefits for him, such as insurance, maybe help with tuition, stuff like that… Since he is an older child you could take him in and explore those things and give him a chance to decide if that is the choice that he wants.

Another shares – My former sister in law did this with one of her students. But she became his guardian and didn’t adopt. I’m not sure how they came to that arrangement, but he became part of the family as a teenager and she calls him her son. They supported him financially and he was able to get lots of scholarships all the way through grad school because he wasn’t adopted.

One who experienced foster care as a youth writes – NO to adoption or “permanent” placement. I was “placed” at 17 and 1 month away from aging out. The state decided I didn’t need any help related to foster care after that. I wasn’t eligible for ANYTHING related to being in care. I ended up homeless shortly after. This kid will lose transitional assistance if adopted or “permanently” housed.

One adoptive parent wrote – Check with the agency and your state in terms of what support they receive through young adulthood, if you adopt or not. The FAFSA for federal aid for education now has a question that asks if the student has been in foster care at any time after the age of 13, and if so they are considered independent and eligible for more aid than when parents income is considered. But consider what age they will have health insurance – if you have employer insurance that allows you to add them and continue to age 26, then that could be a big help to a young adult, if their state based medical insurance would end sooner. It varies by state whether there is any support available for foster youth between ages 18-21.

One adoptive parent noted – In California, he will be eligible for more aid from the state, if he is not adopted. However, the idea of your family including him in celebrations and becoming a source of cultural, religious, and emotional support is lovely.

A CASA volunteer shares – he may benefit more from supervised independent living thru age 21, if available. You could offer to be a resource as a place to go during college breaks and holidays, without making a formal arrangement. He might then consider/ask to be adopted as an adult. There may be certain advantages to not having to claim your income as household income, when it comes to services and educational expense.

An adoptive parent through foster care writes – I wish we had a federal system with normed supports to give you a concrete answer. You need to do some homework to see what is available in your specific state and region via options. Many regions offer more supports without adoption, such as transitional housing, college support, stipends, etc, where even guardianship would not be his best option. Other areas children loose all supports at 18, if not in care, but keep medical and a stipend until 23, if adopted as a teen. (I wish that wasn’t the case but it is in some places). I would just reach out to the case worker and not mention ANYTHING about the type of permanency and just start the conversation with that you are a Muslim home and would love to support. Some case workers will push adoption, so just get your foot in the door with some real conversations on how you can support him before mentioning your concerns about adoption. Having people in your corner to talk to, lean on, and celebrate with, would be an amazing support in and of itself.

A foster parent shares her experience with an orphaned teen. She is also a former CASA. They may well get more benefits, if they age out. It depends what they need or want to do, as to if it matters in their particular situation. As an example, I know a 17 yo wanting to go to four year private college, then grad school after that. If they are listed as independent, no parents, they very likely will get more in scholarships for both schools. If they are adopted, even after aging out, they’d no longer be considered independent, then the graduate school they want to attend would then require the parent assets and income information in considering private scholarships. Some scholarships are still available, if a foster kid is adopted at age 17. Others are not. It really depends what they want to do. Adoption means if the adopters pass away, the kid will inherit what they had but that can be done with wills and trusts, if you want to leave them anything should you pass away.

Another person who spent time in foster care and then was adopted notes – The aid at the state level is universally better and there are new federal aid packages that have lowered the minimum age and raised the limit for aid for people who have ever been in foster care. The foster care alumni association used to have some awesome resources. I would not participate in formal adoption but rather open your home as one resource (but don’t be offended, if they don’t accept). I had several home bases that filled different voids my adopted mom had but those relationships are since no longer a part of my life by my choice.