Tag: Adoption Request

Young Adult Decisions

A woman writes in my all things adoption group – I work in child advocacy. Full transparency, I’m hoping for support but definitely open to hearing the hard things.

I’m so conflicted after being in this group. Some young adults I advocated for in their youth (today they are 21 and 23) have asked to be adopted by me and my husband and we’ve agreed. It was completely their idea and I’ve shared the complicated reality of what it would look like (changing their birth certificates etc). Should I try to get them to further discuss in therapy, or should I accept that this is truly what they want? Both aged out of foster care after 4-6 years in/out of the system. Though they continue to have contact with their biological parents, they have largely felt abandoned and say that they just want to feel “claimed.” Should I trust that they are adults and going into this eyes wide open? It feels wrong to celebrate, but they are honestly bouncing off the walls with excitement about it. They have requested to change their names and everything. I hate to diminish their joy, even though I have reservations. Maybe adult adoption really is that different and I’m worried over nothing.

If I do go through with it, I will have to start identifying myself as adoptive mother in this group and that feels icky to me after all I’ve learned from you. Yes, I know it’s not the same as infant adoption, but I still feel conflicted.

The response from an adoptee – If they are adults and are making this request on their own without any prompting from you, then I see nothing wrong with it. They are old enough, and seem to understand what it is they’re asking for.

Bridging A Detour

Still raising awareness about Foster Care issues.

A request for guidance or advice – my wife and I have 4 foster kids. We get along great with the biological mom and they’re actually going to be reunified in the next month which is a huge win.

The biological mother has come to us and told us she is pregnant again, this time with twins who are due in December. At 25 years old, she is doubting he can handle 6 kids. She is asking us to adopt the twins.

We said “yes” of course but are wondering now what ?

Differences of opinion – focusing on the biological mother’s motivation to reunify with her children. Being pregnant with twins and faced with a total of 6 children, could feel overwhelming. This coming from an adoption reform and family preservation perspective.

This person wanted to know what the barriers were for this biological mother to keep and raise ALL of her children.

Yet, the group where this occurred, is made up of hopeful adoptive parents who offered the usual pro-adoption narrative line – “She is making a loving choice.” They were more focused on offering advice related to pursuing the adoption.

I really liked this response –

Of course, she is overwhelmed. I’ve been there. At 28 years old, I have 6 kids. Yes, it was hard but we’ve made it work.

Another person reflected on why this story is disappointing.

The foster parents have been doing everything correctly with the biological mother and have been supporting the reunification of the foster care children with their original family.

One can understand the foster care parents believing that this person they care about, needs their help – by adopting these twins she hasn’t met yet.

And I agree with the suggesting that this expectant mother needs counseling before she choses a permanent solution which in the moment is a temporary situation because change truly is constant.

And here’s the suggested response to be truly supportive of this young mother – “It’s going to be hard but you can do this. How about we help with babysitting, meals, grocery pick up, we can watch them overnight a couple times a week so you can sleep.”