Hidden ADHD

So today’s topic came up because of this question – My brother, also an adoptee, had ADHD that was very obvious and came out behaviorally/externally. Therefore I was never tested/thought of having it because mine didn’t match my brothers. For years I lived thinking that my symptoms or experiences were just how the world works, but as I study more, I am seeing many ADHD symptoms that are just too hard to ignore. And maybe it isn’t ADHD, maybe it is related to dopamine levels that were affected through adoptee trauma and being born “addicted” to what my mother was using at the time. But I am wondering if other people have uncovered this or have experienced this, and how they went about handling it!

One adoptee shares – I have PTSD. The symptoms are similar. Adoption is trauma. I do less. I learned how to practice self care and regulate my nervous system. It got easier when I got away from the people who raised me. Therapy when needed.

Another adoptee writes – I suspect I have ADHD, and like you have a lot of symptoms. I’m working up the courage to get tested. I struggle with feeling safe with doctors, so haven’t gotten tested yet. The way I present is far different from my husband who was tested for ADHD as a child. She was asked – could you share some of your symptoms and how they are different than your husbands? She answers – he’s hyperactive and has no concept of time. I’m more of the zone out and dissociate. He’s a list guy and helps him focus. lists bore me. He forgets to text and call people whereas I lose things all the time.

Another adoptee notes – Women often go misdiagnosed or undiagnosed with ADHD (and autism). I wasn’t diagnosed until my 20’s with ADHD and suspect I’m autistic, too. A very ignorant doctor tried to tell me that if I got good grades in school, then I couldn’t have ADHD. That’s untrue. You can also have ADHD and not be the hyperactive type. There’s a hyperactive, an inattentive, and a mixed subtype. Typically, if your symptoms were not enough to aggravate/inconvenience others, especially in childhood, then you went undiagnosed.

Yet another adoptee shares – I used to just think that I had CPTSD from my adoption (which I very likely do have still), but after reconnecting with my birth family, found out that ADHD and autism are family traits (there is a genetic link to both of those). After doing a TON of research and taking the RAADS-R, it looks like I’m very likely AuDHD with a side of CPTSD/Adoption Trauma.

One more adoptee writes – Yes, diagnosed with ADHD at 38 and once I started meds, my autistic traits became more clear! And I do now know that I’ve always been this way, the two kinda cover for each other. My son is 6 and my mini-me, he hasn’t experienced any trauma in his life. We’re both neurodivergent.

Explaining A Personal Choice

We are nearing the end of the line with fertility treatment. I’m hopeful as we have gotten further than people with my exact issues usually get, but staying realistic. (I’d rather be pleasantly surprised if we succeed, than totally crushed if we fail again.) I’ve been open about it, mostly cause I work as an RN in an oncology ward and need to avoid being around certain drugs (most of the drugs are fine with proper PPE, and the ones that aren’t don’t come up often enough to cause a burden).

Adoption was our first choice, until we researched it more, so most conventional advice on explaining why we aren’t adopting (which usually focuses on wanting a biological connection with a baby) doesn’t apply. How do I explain to the average person why we aren’t adopting ? Especially if the alternative turns out we will have to remain childless?

One suggested – You could just say adoption is unethical and if they ask further, you can get into it with them. She explains what she has been doing – “Talked about how there’s agencies that advertise that they’ll help you “sell yourself” to “birth moms” and how to reduce the “risk” that they’ll decide to parent. People tend to get the ick from that.”

Someone else shares – My husband and I don’t have biological children. I get asked often when I’m going to have kids or if I’m able to have kids. (What a weird thing to ask someone). My answer is always “I’m not sure if or when that will happen.” It’s really disheartening how often that’s followed by “you could always adopt!” Like it’s the cure all or something. Usually I say I’m not interested in adoption. Sometimes they ask why and sometimes they change the subject. If they ask why, I tell them I’ve learned how harmful it is. Most people don’t care if I say anything more about it after that, unfortunately. If they push, I offer resources, so they can learn too. You can lead a horse to water.

Another one shares – I had set aside the idea of adopting long long long ago, mainly because my now husband wasn’t interested and I didn’t think it should be done unless both parents were enthusiastic. But also I had started researching the foster system and realized it would be very difficult to take In a child of a different religion and integrate them into my family, especially because of diet. It comes up now because I have a two year old and wouldn’t mind having another but am not willing to go crazy with IVF to do so and I am pretty old. I mostly tell people that I don’t have enough confidence that any of the systems available to me are only placing children who absolutely need a new set of parents, and that seed of doubt would always be a problem for my bonding. That way I’m not erasing or disrespecting any of their perceptions of adoption in their family. I don’t really have the bandwidth to do that. (blogger’s note – more than one person appreciated this response – “I don’t have enough confidence that any systems available to me are only placing children who absolutely need a new set of parents.” )

One adoptive parent points out the obvious – why is it anyone’s business? I have never once asked a 30 year old friend why she and her husband never had children and she has never talked about it. And I think since the majority see adoption as a joyous event, you could never get them to fully understand how tragic it is – so why even try ? or risk shocking them. You could say – “Research has shown most adoptions are not in the best interests of children, and though I’m sure we could do an excellent job of raising a child, we are choosing not to participate.”

One foster parent shares her reality – We are in the final stages of the adoption process for the sibling group in our care that we’ve had for a couple of years now and I absolutely lose my shit on everyone who asks if we are excited or offers congratulations. I am heartbroken that it has come to this point, that Div of Children and Families isn’t willing to keep trying and that we have run out the clock, that there is no biological family willing to take them. I hold so much grief over this immense loss, and that I can’t protect them from this hurt. I tell anyone who will listen that these systems are broken and deeply harmful to families and that the trauma of being adopted is passed through generations and leads to so much attachment trauma. No one is meant to do this parenting thing alone, but a good village doesn’t cut the parents out, it augments that critical bond with more love and support for both parent and child. Putting time and energy and resources into making supports more widely available can keep families together and prevent so much of this trauma now and for generations to come.

One even suggested – A really good zinger is – if you know they have not adopted and they ask you why you aren’t going to adopt, is to ask them why *they* didn’t. They usually stammer and say “well…I had my own kids” or some equally stupid answer. So then you can go down a couple of paths…Then you’re saying only those of us that can’t have kids should adopt ? So you’re saying biological kids are better ? Kinda depends how salty you’re feeling at the moment with how on the spot you want to make them feel.

Not The First One

It is a common experience for many women – I am one too. I also do know someone who had similar experiences to this woman in her own childhood. So, today’s story is really only one of many. Trigger warning if you need one to stop reading here.

Her back story – I am also a former foster child, and a victim of s*xual trafficking while in the system in the late 1990s and early 2000s. I was SA’ed and got pregnant at 16- resulting in a baby being born that I placed for adoption. I grew up in an abusive home on BOTH sides of my biological family. I was SA’ed by family members on BOTH sides of the family. I was physically, mentally, emotionally abused and neglected to varying levels of degree by BOTH sides of my family. Also considering I was SA’ed, resulting in the pregnancy— we later found out it was likely a ring of family members who participated in trafficking behaviors.

That being said – We know that adoption create trauma, and that it should be avoided when possible. Some believe that adoption should never be an option. I do respect and understand this will be emotional labor for those who answer. I value your time and energy into responding. I appreciate you taking the time.

How do you find where the behavior patterns in the biological family stop and thus create a safe home for a child? How do you suggest people navigate those waters? At what point does “whenever possible” to keep the family with biological connections TRULY become exhausted?

As an adoptee – First off- would you want to know the trauma that was behind your placement in a situation such as this? Would it make a difference how you felt towards your biological mother who had willing placed you for adoption in this situation? If your biological mother had the trauma that I had – do you still think that biological family connections should be explored at all costs?

As an adoptive parent – How do you ensure biological ties with histories such as the above and keep the child safe? In the event you were told something extreme about the biological family of the child you adopted—do you verify (especially if you adopted through the state)?

I’m simply asking – what could I of done differently at the time (in your opinion) other than place for adoption and made it safe for my child?

Some responses –

One adoptee shares – I was placed for adoption in 1971. I was born to a 14 year old girl and 21 year old man. It was not a safe situation to raise a child. The best place for me was in an adoptive home. I do have contact with my biological family now that I am an adult. They agree that the best decision was made at the time.

Another adoptee echoes something I have read from many adoptees, many times – I feel having an abortion would have been your best option. Having a relationship with natural family does not mean the child isn’t safe. They can have a relationship and see a biological mirror through supervised visitations. And I would absolutely want to know the trauma behind my placement. Adoptees always deserve the truth, even if it isn’t pretty.

Another adoptee notes – the safety of the child should always come first. While I acknowledge that adoption comes with serious trauma and I had and still have difficulties because of adoption, I love my life now. I love my husband, children, and grandchildren and am thankful to be alive every day. I know not all adoptees feel this way and it took a lot of work on myself to get to this place, but I’m thankful I wasn’t aborted. I do however feel that kinship placement or fictive kinship placement, where the child doesn’t lose his or her identity is a better alternative to adoption. I also understand that that might not have been possible in your case due to safety concerns. As far as telling the truth to the adoptee, absolutely yes. Adoptees deserve their true history just like everybody else.

LOVE this from an adoptee – Personally If you were my bio mom, I’d tell you, you are one of the strongest women I know. How brave and how much of a survivor, and thank you for protecting me as best you could. At least you cared, some of us have bios who honestly wished we would have never been born. I’m living my best life, surrounded by those who love me unconditionally, because I am worthy to have a life and live it to the best I can.

She asks – Was there a mothers home or a place that could have helped you get started with your baby ? I’ve volunteered at a maternity home which helps moms and babies get settled in together with other moms and helps them with parenting classes, education and job training ? There was no pressure for adoption just supporting young women. One day I hope to be a safe haven to someone who wants to raise their child but doesn’t have the ability or resources and help them get on their feet so they can support themselves and their baby.

An adoptive parent shares her approaches – I have the information I have regarding the unsafe members of kiddo’s first family because of people elsewhere in the family sharing what they experienced or saw with me. I didn’t have to verify, but there are some people once believed to be an imminent and direct threat to the baby (now five) and I look them up occasionally. We are in contact with Kiddo’s parent and I once had a party so that “safer” people on the other side of the family could see them. I also keep pictures of some of those people we don’t have contact with, provided by family members that we do. It allows us to talk to kiddo about things like “X is very tall, it looks like you are going to be tall like them.” “Your color of hair comes from Y, maybe it will look like this when you’re a little older.” “Sometimes when you smile it looks like this person”

One adoptee honestly admits – If I was the survivor of a SA and there was a pregnancy, I would never want to see that child again. I would definitely terminate but if it ended up being not possible, I would adopt the baby out and want it as far away as possible. I wouldn’t want it to stay with my own kin and risk having to see my rapist’s face reflected back at me. I would extensively defend any other SA victim’s right to do the same without judgement. As an adoptee, if I was the result of SA, I would much rather still be adopted and not know the truth than have stayed with bio family and had to know. It’s one of the few cases in which not knowing is probably better.

Then there was this from an adoptee/and birth mom, who was trafficked by her biological mom, a former foster care youth, adopted by abusive family at age 7, then disowned at 14, and trafficked again from 16 to 22 – I just came to say that telling a woman she should abort her child is absolutely insane and super disrespectful to all adoptees out here living life after surviving such a childhood, who found a way to make a beautiful life. Like you’re saying I should have never been born just because I would have trauma in my life. News flash folks – no one gets thru life without trauma or being a victim of something. Resiliency is also passed on – not just trauma. Also there is something just so wrong about the narrative that just because one’s life is going to be difficult that means they should die.

An adoptee notes – I want to know everything that led to where I am now. Before I had the real story, I romanticized all the details that I could imagine and suffered a very rude awakening when I was met with secondary rejection. I am one of the adoption abolitionists you mentioned in your post who thinks there is never a time for adoption but that is not to say I don’t believe there is ever a time for outside care. I just don’t believe in the permanent legal falsification of family history. I believe in guardianship when necessary but never the removal of identity.

Some suggestions from an adoptive mother – In your situation, an adopter should have your child focus on the connection with you, instead of the entire family, and maybe some same-age cousins (first, second, third…) whose parents did not assault you. I don’t know what you could have done to keep your child, while keeping them safe, because it depends on the resources that were at your disposal at the time. If you were a 16-year-old parenting foster youth in my jurisdiction, I would point you towards a dual enrollment community college program that allows you to substitute an AA (Associate of Arts) degree for junior and senior year in high school at zero cost, recommend several trades where AA’s have good pay and job prospects, and show you how to do paperwork for the free daycare program you would likely qualify for due to low or no income.

A Common Modern Choice

A woman writes in my all things adoption group today – What can I say that would be a very pithy reply to the inevitable questions regarding my present and possibly future lack of biological children?

Technically, it is possible, though not probable, for me to conceive, but as of yet I have not, and I have worked through the emotional issues enough that I am now okay with being barren for the rest of my life.

It seems like freakin’ everyone who meets me and finds out that I don’t have kids after 14 years of marriage wants to know if I have considered adoption. Yes, I have considered it, and thanks primarily to this group, I don’t think it’s something that I can ethically proceed with now that I know about the trauma and negative effects.

I would like to have a short response (rather than a long, passionate speech) which assures the person that I have indeed considered the options, and have concluded that adoption is not for me (even though I’d love to convince them it’s not for everyone).

It’d be ideal if we could weave into the answer that we believe that we should seek to have as many children that God want us to, which at present is zero. Something that points out the impropriety of the very personal questions and shuts down further discussion due to the person’s embarrassment in asking would be great.

One suggestion – I would almost be inclined to say if God wanted us to have kids, he would have given us some, not by taking them from someone else. Or I don’t think that’s part of God’s plan for us and we are ok with that. Nor none of your flipping business.

An adoptee suggested – “God has other plans for me.” Or “I am not called to raise anyone else’s children as my own.”

An adoptive parent shares – you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Simply say “That’s too personal, I only discuss these things with my spouse” and leave it there. I went through this because my husband and I were the “type to want children” and I was infertile/chronically miscarrying. Now it’s never ending questions about my children and their stories/our process. So I say that’s our story alone and we prefer to keep it that way. Another adoptive parents notes – “That is not a kind or appropriate question to ask.” She said – I use this for the thousands of things people ask me as an adoptive parent.

This from a therapist, who was formerly a hopeful adoptive parent – “I don’t believe God wants me to buy children.”

Another adoptee suggested – “That’s an incredibly personal question. Did you mean to say that out loud?” And if the topic of adoption comes up, I’d make a comment about how children from families in crisis shouldn’t be used to build the families of others. They’re not there for our benefit. Or as another said more bluntly – “No thank you, I’m not interested in purchasing someone else’s child to perform a role they were not meant for.”

Blogger’s comment – The consensus seems to be trending towards presenting the fairy tale adoption narrative more honestly now. Just saying No to adoption generally.

Shout Out To Fathers

It’s Father’s Day and so I should acknowledge that other gender in humanity and what they give to kids when they want to be a father. All too often, fatherhood comes upon a male of our species unplanned and unasked for. That can have a tragic outcome for the child who’s mother is also unprepared to parent. Many times these children end up adopted with all the complications and trauma that entails. Sometimes, the mother tries but the children end up in foster care – either adopted eventually or again out of the system.

In my own case, the three children I have birthed were all planned. I am grateful for that. Both fathers have been good fathers to their children. My own dad, gone now for almost a decade, did the “right thing” by my teenage mom and me when she turned up pregnant, still in high school, and after he had only started at a university. He gave up his own dreams of higher education to go to work in a refinery – often very long, double shift hours – to support his family which eventually included 2 younger sisters for me as well.

My own daughter ended up being raised by her dad and step-mother when I proved unable to financially provide for the two of us as a single mom. Though that left me feeling like a failure as a mom, when I remarried later in life, my husband surprised me by telling me after a couple of Margaritas that he had been thinking he wanted to be a dad after all (he had been grateful I had already done that and that there was no pressure on him). He has been an awesome, dedicated father willing to drop whatever else he was doing if called up by his sons. I was healed of some of my earlier motherhood issues by discovering I could actually be a decent mom.

Many times, in my all things adoption related group, men have stepped up and actually fought the legal system to regain a child that was given up for adoption by their single mom. I have a huge admiration for such men and they do an awesome job of parenting. Happy Father’s Day to all men who have found themselves, one way or other, parenting a child – especially those who had to do so without the mom’s involvement, for whatever reason. You are true heroes !!

Evolving Perspectives

I know that my perspectives have evolved since I began learning about my own genetic roots. I don’t know how many of these blogs I have written but they do in some way reflect my own journey to understanding adoption trauma. Ass the child of 2 adoptees, I understand how not knowing anything about your own family history feels. And what a struggle it is to find some peace with the relatives I grew up with who are not actually genetically related to me.

Today, I read a lament from a woman about what her perspectives were in the past before she learned the realities of the adoption marketplace. She compared her thoughts in 2013 (my evolution began in 2017) with what she understands today. She writes –

In the past, I never understood the entitlement that people had, which allowed them to adopt babies. I didn’t understand why pro-lifers weren’t fostering or adopting children who already had their parental rights terminated. The story that was on the radio broke my heart. I heard older children in foster care talking about wanting a family, so they had somewhere to go for Christmas and Easter – or just to celebrate life with, as they grow up into adulthood. And I used the term unwanted baby – not even realizing that an unwanted pregnancy doesn’t mean that the baby wasn’t wanted. I didn’t know anything about how Child Protective Services would try and terminate parental rights for babies, so that the people who were fostering to adopt could get the babies they wanted.

Now I look at my old post from 2016 and think how insensitive and dehumanizing it is to bring adoptees into the abortion debate. I wish every kid had a home that was safe and loving. And more than that I wish that every home had the ability to be safe and loving. I wish first families had the resources that adoptive and foster families are given. I wish people didn’t look at parents facing poverty and tell them they should never have had children, instead of making a social safety net available to every family.

Her wishes are my own (this blogger’s) wishes as well.

Neuro Emotional Technique

I bring this up because so many adoptees and first moms (women who surrendered a child for adoption) suffer from the effects of those traumas and there could easily (often are) other aspects that disturb peace of mind and heart.

Neuro Emotional Technique (NET) is a research backed treatment to help release and overcome past traumas and unresolved stressful events. Clearing stress and trauma blockages allow you to make decisions without attachment to previous negative emotional experiences and to rebuild positive response patterns in your life.

From literature through the National Institutes of Health – Library of Medicine on a LINK>randomized controlled trial of the Neuro Emotional Technique (NET) for childhood Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).The use of complementary and alternative medicine (CAM) has increased over the years, especially for developmental and behavioral disorders, such as ADHD. 60–65% of parents with children with ADHD have used CAM. Medical evidence supports a multidisciplinary approach (i.e. pharmacological and psychosocial) for the best clinical outcomes. The Neuro Emotional Technique (NET), a branch of Chiropractic, was designed to address the biopsychosocial aspects of acute and chronic conditions including non-musculoskeletal conditions. Anecdotally, it has been suggested that ADHD may be managed effectively by NET.

Evidence suggests that 10–30% of children with ADHD who have been prescribed stimulant medications, do not show clinically significant outcomes, and others experience side-effects and need to discontinue their medications. The most common side effects of stimulant medications are appetite suppression, weight loss, sleep disturbances, irritability, stomach aches, headaches, rashes, and occasionally the development or aggravation of tics. For these children, additional strategies need to be implemented in order to achieve a successful outcome.

There are no known side effects and there have not been any reports of adverse reactions to the NET protocol. Most practitioners are in the chiropractic field.

The Answer

Legal guardianship is the answer. Adoption erases one’s entire identity — changes their birth certificate, their name, their culture, severs their ability to find/know their family as well as family medical history.

Legal guardianship provides a path where the child is in a safe environment while also retaining their autonomy over their identity. It isn’t necessary to steal someone’s identity in order to provide a home for them.

Let’s talk responsibility. Ignorance is not an excuse. So you’re an adoptive parent and you conveniently didn’t realize the adoption industry is corrupt and the trauma associated with it until your family was “complete.” You are still responsible for it. So you’re a natural mom who was coerced. While that is horrible, you are still responsible for signing on the dotted line.

What does this say though about kids who aren’t wanted by family? Shouldn’t someone take them in and give them in a chance? What about someone who didn’t want their kids?

Why not choose guardianship?

Adoptees are the only ones in the adoption triad who had no right at all to consent. Even in the case of a truly forced termination of parental rights, most of these parents had some responsibility for the reasons why their rights were terminated. When we make natural mother’s the victims, we once again erase adopted people. It’s not healthy for adopted people. when their natural mothers make themselves the victim.

Understanding A Controversy

~ from Mind Tools – Improving Solutions by Arguing For and Against Your Options

To be honest, I wasn’t aware that there was a controversy . . .

He writes – as far as I know, adoptees are primarily upset with Nancy Verrier over the fact that she made money by writing LINK>The Primal Wound. (The train of thought being adoptees own their stories and it should be our place to tell them, not the adopters.) I totally understand that train of thought but am somewhat confused why this adversarial relationship between adoptees and Verrier doesn’t extend to her successors like LINK>Lori Holden, who often doesn’t even bother attempting to center adoptees in their work and deliberately try to obfuscate the idea that adoption is traumatic for adoptees.

Blogger’s note – I am aware of and have read content from both. Since I wasn’t aware that there was a controversy, I am intrigued.

He asks – Is there something else I’m missing here, or is Verrier generally enemy no. 1 moreso than others due to the fact that her work is much more often recommended by adoptees? I also know there was some drama that went on surrounding the LINK>Reckoning With The Primal Wound documentary.

One woman writes – I always recommend ‘Journey of the Adopted Self’ (Betty Jean Lifton’s book) FIRST, it then helps validate Verrier’s findings. One adoptee responds – I honestly feel like Journey of the Adopted Self saved my life. It was big in me coming out of the “fog” and helped me to understand so many big emotions I’d had for my entire life. When the first woman was asked – would this be your primary recommendation for the support persons (parents, therapists, teachers, etc) as well as adoptees? She responds – yes, it is the first book, along with ‘The Girls Who Went Away,’ that I always recommend reading first. I have read a ton of adoption related books, some good, some meh, and some bad. Another book that I think EVERYONE should read is ‘The Child Catchers,’ for a bird’s eye view into the criminal trafficking indu$try that “adoption” truly is!

Blogger’s note – but I still don’t understand – is there a controversy or not ?

Finally an explanation from an adoptee’s perspective – IMHO, as an adopted person, the disapproval of Verrier is not so much because she is an adoptive “parent”, but rather because her book has been so highly publicized and recommended, although she has little awareness of the fact that the adopted person is an actual person, whether child or adult. Her views have been slammed, as well, because of the manner in which she has objectified her own purchased child, who quite rightly has taken exception to being used for her “mother’s” own self aggrandizing efforts. When people are advised to perceive this author as some sort of “expert” in the understanding of the complex adoption experience, who has so little awareness of the actual lived reality of the person who has been purchased, this frequently and quite rightly is seen with quite a bit of justified skepticism.

Another adoptee points out – I feel like Verrier speaks a lot of the general theoretical adopted “child” when drawing from the experiences of her adopted child and her therapeutic clients. I don’t see her as an “expert”. Adoptees are the #1 expert of the adoptee experience imo. Verrier’s theory is also often treated as scientific “fact”, but it wasn’t a scientific study at all. That being said, I believe in adoption trauma. I can appreciate that the message Nancy Verrier was putting out there was pretty “radical” to many adoptive parents, although adoptees had already been saying similar things for a long time prior. Parts of The Primal Wound resonated with me, and I know it’s an important text for a lot of adoptees. But I think 30+ years on we can start referring to other texts when recommending adoption related media to people.

Another notes – All I would add is that, in 1993, this is the book that the publishers were willing to print. That’s what it comes down to. We’ll never know how many (if any) adoptee authors pitched books and were turned down. The Primal Wound is the one that made it through, so that’s the one we got.

Openness

Source link> Lavender Luz

Today’s story from an adoptive mother – she asks, are there any adoptees out there who grew up with a lot of openness with birth parents ? She gives her background – My daughter came to me at 2 through public adoption, now 7.5. I thought I was well-informed. We have established a relatively high degree of “openness” – spend time with mom approx every two weeks… but especially whenever she’s having a hard time, I wonder if this is “enough”. Sometimes I hear the horror stories about adoptive parents who are abusive or even just unaware of adoption trauma, and it’s easy to heave a sigh of relief, that I’m not that bad, but really am I offering my (our shared) daughter enough of what she needs? I’d really love to hear from adoptees who grew up with openness about the benefits and any challenges that came with that.

One slew of suggestions came – it is good that they see one another as often as you describe. I think one thing that can get closer to what the child deserves to get from their parent is productive contact instead of visitation. Can she check her homework or help her study for a test for a half hour one night a week? Even via zoom? Can you ask her to make a list of things she’d like to teach her daughter over the course of a year like – how to braid hair, ride a bike, memorize her multiplication tables, cook a chicken dinner, bake a cake, sew a button, hem a dress, make mini furniture for a doll, build a model airplane, make a volcano that blows smoke, run a 10 min mile, do a cartwheel, do the splits, play an instrument – you know things she already knows how to do and wants to teach, or stuff they could read instructions for and learn how to do together during short scheduled visits on line or in person. You could offer to get the supplies they need to facilitate Mom’s lesson plan. It is kind of unnatural for children to visit with their parents and awkward for parents to observe their child and not be contributing to their growth. Ask mom to make a list of things she’d be teaching her at 7.5 years old; and then, help make it happen. The child deserves at least that from her mom. You’ll feel good for facilitating that too.

When she was commended for her suggestions, her reply was – I just pour the love of my heart out, praying that maybe one adopted kid will get a chance to interact with their mother or father in a way that kids should interact with their parents, not like visiting strangers but like as parents who are teachers, who are deeply concerned with growing their potential, rather than ‘catching up’ like strangers, outsiders with nothing to offer. If I lost my kid to adoption, I’d be dying every day and of course, I’d probably spiral into some drug induced pain numbing self destructive cycle. Who wouldn’t ? I just to like engage with these parents as parents, help them to know their role is growing their child’s world and maybe, the parent will grow some self worth too. Maybe the kid will have some really positive memories. Maybe the adoptive parent will be less resentful but shit, people get so jealous, like oh they lost their right to parent – they lost their right to custody and nobody but God can take away their parenthood, so why not help the kid have some good memories but people are such assholes usually, they won’t allow for anything but ‘visitation’. WTF is that to a kid ? uh oh, I ranted. Thanks for listening.

This woman is the child of an orphan (blogger’s note – not an adoptee herself, so not who the original poster was hoping to hear from but I feel this woman’s perspectives are helpful, so I decided to run with them), who having found her biological genetic family, started helping others. She admits – after finding that family almost 30 years ago, she got really mad when she read the laws. That caused her to become a loudmouthed activist after having reunited a few hundred families. She had found that they all have that same violation of the person’s kinship rights and identity. It made her cranky and want to stop the separation of families.

After being called out for not being an adoptee, she had more to say – I don’t believe in the concept of a triad, it’s a false construct by the adoption industry seeking to pretend that there is some kind equal stakeholders in a bid for the property rights to a human being. I provide information from a neutral position, given my 30 years of exposure to parents who lost their kids to adoption, who want to be doing lots more and contributing lots more than they are allowed to – it’s just bullshit. So, I took the opportunity to say what I thought. I had something to say. It is a topic I care a lot about – I spend most of my free time either helping people search or in advocacy efforts to educate people out of adoption. If an adopted person had posted and dictated parameters of who should and should not answer, I would NEVER have answered – this post was by an adoptive mother, they have a preference for who they want to respond, but I have been a listener and recorder of good information, given to me by families who have struggled to find each other.

One day I’m gonna die and I’m hoping to get that message to people who adopted or who are hoping to adopt. I’m not gonna write a book, create a youtube channel or a tic tock or an instagram page and I’m not gonna blog about it. Commenting in a few Facebook forums is as far as I take it because I’m not trying to draw attention to myself, only be helpful.

One adoptive mother shares – my son’s Dad takes him to boxing every week and then, out for afternoon tea before dropping him off at home. Works really well for us. I think it works for Dad because there is something pre-arranged to do, plus also more free time with the afternoon tea to talk or whatever. It’s also something my son wouldn’t be able to do if Dad couldn’t take him because I’m at work at that time. I am hoping to set up something similar with his Mum in future but it’s not the right time at the moment (she has regular contact, just in a different way).

To which the woman above responds – Productive contact ! Brilliant, frequent contact doing something, one small thing a father would normally do for his kid. It’s a tiny fraction of all the things parents are supposed to do but it is really healthy for a child to interact with their parent that way I think, instead of just visiting for an hour and what did you do this week ? I like that you set it up so it is productive for your household too. Very smart. Other things parents can do for productive visits are like have a kid pick a newspaper article to read and discuss – teach a kid how to read a map – start studying the drivers training manual early, describe a scene and each draw it in 5 minutes then swap pictures. Tell the kid a story from their childhood or culture, make a family tree, create emergency plans for different situations, safety topics like “what would you do if someone came to the door and wanted to use your phone saying they had a car accident?” What to do if the person taking care of you hits their head and gets knocked unconscious? Don’t throw water on a grease fire. Don’t try to give a cat a bath. Don’t use dish soap in a dishwasher.

Back to the original poster, she acknowledges the adoptive mother who appreciates her son’s dad taking him to boxing. This is a great idea ! They do spend alone time together for the past year. We are very different and it is often not things I’m super keen on (lots of tv time, phone time, and processed foods) but I have been working on letting go of trying to have control over what happens in their time together because it hasn’t always been well-received and I can understand that especially, in this situation, people don’t want to be micromanaged. She also acknowledges the one with lots of suggestions – her message about having meaningful parenting tasks to do is appreciated. Maybe finding ways to incorporate more of these would be helpful…. There is a possible opportunity for mom to take her to skating lesson this Saturday.