We are nearing the end of the line with fertility treatment. I’m hopeful as we have gotten further than people with my exact issues usually get, but staying realistic. (I’d rather be pleasantly surprised if we succeed, than totally crushed if we fail again.) I’ve been open about it, mostly cause I work as an RN in an oncology ward and need to avoid being around certain drugs (most of the drugs are fine with proper PPE, and the ones that aren’t don’t come up often enough to cause a burden).
Adoption was our first choice, until we researched it more, so most conventional advice on explaining why we aren’t adopting (which usually focuses on wanting a biological connection with a baby) doesn’t apply. How do I explain to the average person why we aren’t adopting ? Especially if the alternative turns out we will have to remain childless?
One suggested – You could just say adoption is unethical and if they ask further, you can get into it with them. She explains what she has been doing – “Talked about how there’s agencies that advertise that they’ll help you “sell yourself” to “birth moms” and how to reduce the “risk” that they’ll decide to parent. People tend to get the ick from that.”
Someone else shares – My husband and I don’t have biological children. I get asked often when I’m going to have kids or if I’m able to have kids. (What a weird thing to ask someone). My answer is always “I’m not sure if or when that will happen.” It’s really disheartening how often that’s followed by “you could always adopt!” Like it’s the cure all or something. Usually I say I’m not interested in adoption. Sometimes they ask why and sometimes they change the subject. If they ask why, I tell them I’ve learned how harmful it is. Most people don’t care if I say anything more about it after that, unfortunately. If they push, I offer resources, so they can learn too. You can lead a horse to water.
Another one shares – I had set aside the idea of adopting long long long ago, mainly because my now husband wasn’t interested and I didn’t think it should be done unless both parents were enthusiastic. But also I had started researching the foster system and realized it would be very difficult to take In a child of a different religion and integrate them into my family, especially because of diet. It comes up now because I have a two year old and wouldn’t mind having another but am not willing to go crazy with IVF to do so and I am pretty old. I mostly tell people that I don’t have enough confidence that any of the systems available to me are only placing children who absolutely need a new set of parents, and that seed of doubt would always be a problem for my bonding. That way I’m not erasing or disrespecting any of their perceptions of adoption in their family. I don’t really have the bandwidth to do that. (blogger’s note – more than one person appreciated this response – “I don’t have enough confidence that any systems available to me are only placing children who absolutely need a new set of parents.” )
One adoptive parent points out the obvious – why is it anyone’s business? I have never once asked a 30 year old friend why she and her husband never had children and she has never talked about it. And I think since the majority see adoption as a joyous event, you could never get them to fully understand how tragic it is – so why even try ? or risk shocking them. You could say – “Research has shown most adoptions are not in the best interests of children, and though I’m sure we could do an excellent job of raising a child, we are choosing not to participate.”
One foster parent shares her reality – We are in the final stages of the adoption process for the sibling group in our care that we’ve had for a couple of years now and I absolutely lose my shit on everyone who asks if we are excited or offers congratulations. I am heartbroken that it has come to this point, that Div of Children and Families isn’t willing to keep trying and that we have run out the clock, that there is no biological family willing to take them. I hold so much grief over this immense loss, and that I can’t protect them from this hurt. I tell anyone who will listen that these systems are broken and deeply harmful to families and that the trauma of being adopted is passed through generations and leads to so much attachment trauma. No one is meant to do this parenting thing alone, but a good village doesn’t cut the parents out, it augments that critical bond with more love and support for both parent and child. Putting time and energy and resources into making supports more widely available can keep families together and prevent so much of this trauma now and for generations to come.
One even suggested – A really good zinger is – if you know they have not adopted and they ask you why you aren’t going to adopt, is to ask them why *they* didn’t. They usually stammer and say “well…I had my own kids” or some equally stupid answer. So then you can go down a couple of paths…Then you’re saying only those of us that can’t have kids should adopt ? So you’re saying biological kids are better ? Kinda depends how salty you’re feeling at the moment with how on the spot you want to make them feel.
Missing Mom 