What If ?

If you are an adoptive parent, how would you answer ?

As a birthmom, I am entirely hopeful that when my child grows up, if he decides he wants to come home to me – they will let him. How would you feel if your adopted child does or doesn’t “bond” into your home or dynamic and STILL wants to return to their biological family ? Would you let them do it ? Would you let them be adopted back to their biological parent ? How would you feel ? What would you do if they were old enough to leave home legally and went back to their biological family ? (In some states you can leave at 16-17 and not be considered missing.)

Adoptive parent’s responses –

I would absolutely help them establish a bond with their natural family. Because it’s about them, not me. In my opinion, the more people who love a child / adult, the better. So why would I have any problem with that ? I hope you can reunite with your little one.

Absolutely! My two adoptive children came to us very young, but they knew about their family, pictures, we talked about them at home (although my daughter was afraid of them and didn’t like to talk about them), my daughter talked about them in therapy (Reactive Attachment Disorder and a variety of other mental health issues), etc. Her brother has a variety of cognitive and physical disabilities, but he would still look at pictures. My daughter has made contact with her mother, but as far as I know, hasn’t really established a relationship with her. I think that it’s really important for adoptive children to have the tools and supports necessary to connect with their family, and as adults, decide how to proceed.

From a foster parent in the process of adoption – I am a foster parent in the process of adoption. I am sure this is a very hard thing to process for adoptive parents. I have tried to educate myself about adoption trauma and how to parent my adopted child. I’m sure it would feel hurtful in one sense but also good to know that your child is able to have that relationship and not have to wonder about his biological family. I think a lot of it depends on the relationship between the adoptive and biological families. As long as both can be respectful towards each other and keep the child’s best interest number one, I think it can be a very good thing and exactly what the child needs. But, two adults fighting or pursuing a child to be one place or the other and not respectful of each other’s role in the child’s life, I think that could just cause more trauma for the child. I’m sure you would get a different answer from someone who hasn’t kept a relationship with the biological family or become adoption informed. Good luck and I hope you’re able to keep a relationship with your child and his adoptive parents !

Adoptee Remembrance Day

Too Little Time To Succeed

Today’s story – I’m an adoptive parent of a 7 year old. “A” was taken into foster care at 3 months. She had visits with her mom for several months. Parental rights were terminated at about 18 months and they had their last visit. She was placed with me for adoption at 24 months. It took some time to get in contact with her mom, and we finally had our first visit when “A” was 3.5 years. A couple of missed visits, then COVID struck and slowed things down a lot. Thankfully, since she turned about 5.5, we’ve been spending time with her mom regularly, usually once every two weeks, and for the past eight months or so, I’ve usually left – so it’s been just them. We held birthday party jointly last spring, which was hard as we have very different values but also good and hopefully gets easier.

Increasingly, although I maybe always suspected, it’s clear to me that “A” shouldn’t have been removed from her mom. Basically, she didn’t know how to play Child Protective Services (CPS) games. And with a little more time and support, she could have parented. Definitely a case of a permanent solution being applied to a temporary problem. I do think she sometimes has made some unwise decisions, but so have I. I don’t think she poses any safety risk to “A”.

I’m increasingly wondering what’s really best for “A”. She is doing amazing in a lot of ways but has struggled with some challenging behaviors and as she’s getting older, it can no longer be dismissed as being on the normal spectrum of development. Of course, there are a lot of potential factors that we’re looking into, and I’m working to put in place sensory breaks and other accommodations at school, and I’m continuing to focus on building our attachment, but to some extent I wonder if these are just band-aids, if the real problem is being apart from her mom on a day-to-day basis. And if she doesn’t really need to be apart from her….? I’d appreciate responses from Adoptees – especially if you had a very open adoption – or first families.

While not the role she asked for – I did think this was an important point from a commenter. Just wanted to note that indeed it may not “solve” all the school problems. Maybe nothing ever will. Things will hopefully get better, absolutely. I just worry about framing any decision as possibly “solving” any “problem” behaviors for good. Sometimes expectations at school are in direct opposition to a child’s needs to thrive in an environment. Don’t let “solving her school problems” be a litmus test for your decision making.

Another not from the role but probably good advice – It sounds like you’re on the right track with nourishing a relationship between them. I’d include First Mom as much as possible in meetings and making decisions, such as IEP/school conferences and medical visits. If she’s included and reunification or guardianship becomes a possibility, she’ll be able to make informed decisions and it will be a much smoother transition for them.

Finally, from an adoptee – I had an open adoption and both me and my biological mom are neurodivergent. I also am a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and past special education teacher. I would get “A” assessed by a specialist, not a MD as they often misdiagnose (it happened to me). Once there is a confirmed diagnosis, you can start the process of getting support such as IEP, OT, SLP, School Psychologist and there may be a BCBA in the school district as I saw you mentioned “challenging behaviors”. (NOTE: not all children need any of the above therapies to succeed. Case by case basis solely). If insurance is an issue (you can receive in home or clinic support outside of school, if needed), stick to school services. I do believe a lot of my behaviors growing up were related to my adoption trauma but also, I can look back and easily see all my diagnoses presented before I was diagnosed. Both contributed. I wish I had gotten diagnosed as a child to receive support sooner. Everything you’re doing seems to be benefitting “A”. I would ask mom how you can better support her and keep her definitely in the loop about getting “A” evaluated. There could be other diagnoses in the family you don’t know about. I do believe her adoption trauma has contributed and after working with children, teens and adults from 18 months to 19 years of age from all backgrounds I’ve realized, kids especially may not vocally be able to tell you what’s going on or how they feel, but their actions/behavior tell you. They can feel it inside, just may not be able to express it yet where you would understand. That was 100% me growing up. I hope this helps.

From someone else regarding laws surrounding reunification of a youth who has already been adopted – if a youth has been involuntarily relinquished for adoption, meaning CPS convinced a judge to terminate parental rights (TPR), it will be harder than if the parent relinquished voluntarily. But not impossible. For her mom to adopt her child back, she would need to pass an adoptive homestudy in your jurisdiction. Some jurisdictions disqualify a homestudy, if the adult has had a termination of parental rights, some don’t. If, she would have to make a very good case that the reasons leading to TPR are false or no longer apply, which typically means outside documentation (proof of steady employment, steady housing, AA attendance for the last 5 years, etc.) If “A” is staying with mom for any extended time periods, you can get an educational and/or medical power of attorney done that lets Mum make emergency decisions. (Note that there is a small but present risk of CPS involvement, if you do this, so you may want to contact a lawyer in your jurisdictions with all the details of the case.)

One adoptive parent shared – I know it is hard and my daughter’s mom is similar to yours. I learned what I must do and asked our daughter if she would like to return to her mom ? If I had asked when we first started access, when our daughter was 6, I know she would have wanted to go home. Now she is 15 and has opted for increased access, while remaining with me. I know that it is hard to fathom letting go but putting the child first is always the right thing to do.

From an adoptee – Best for “A” is access to her mom. Obviously, safe access and led by A at her pace. The openness is great, but I would also add therapy. Access to therapy while young is so helpful. It will also help you as you navigate the future.

From a mom who lost her child – I couldn’t figure out how to play CPS games, and my PSAT scores were in the 99th percentile. I didn’t even study until I got to college, because I was used to being able to succeed with minimal effort. With CPS, there wasn’t any set rules, or consistency, like the whole thing was set up to make parents just give up. I fought until I was TPR’d, but I can understand why a lot of parents just get overwhelmed and see the goals as impossible. CPS will just keep setting up new goals, or stall for time, then claim they can’t return the child because all the goals weren’t completed in time.

The no set rules and consistency is so on point. I have watched CPS change requirements and not notify parents. I have seen the parent doing the work get punished while the parent not complying with court orders gets praise. The more you see the system the more you see it is set up to take those children and not give them back. It is appalling AND they can lie without consequence.

An adoptee and reunified mom wrote – The thing you can’t say wouldn’t solve all the problems. The trauma already happened. But it might mitigate them. I’m not a child development specialist, so I really can’t be certain, but I know that reunification helped my child. And reunion, even this late, is helping me with my own issues.

A therapist with years working the system said – live close and co-parent. Look to each person’s strengths and build on those. Consider relating like separated parents, figuring out who does what. If it seems that you are in a better position to support her school needs, then take the lead on that but include mom. Build up her capacity to do it.

An adoptive parent brings up an interesting, sometimes overlooked, issue – So is there a first dad in the picture? It could complicate things. For us one complication is the natural father who lives in a different country is against it. He only wanted us to adopt, not for first mom to get the kids back. So we don’t know how that will look in the future. Also this, there is no magic pill. Leaving the home the adoptees have known for years will be traumatic as well.

Saving The Little Native Kid

This is the truth – “red and yellow, black and white – all are precious”. A song we sang when I was a child in Sunday School. It is disturbing though to know such things are used against any child. Today’s story –

Adoptive parents telling an adopted child that they “saved me from growing up in a reservation,” her adoptive parents exact words. Problem was – this child turns out not having been Native American at all. Her natural grandmother claimed she was Native American and Mormon, something she believed until she was 30 years old because of a) trauma b) wanting to believe?? She says, “I thought I was this like special little native American princess because my a parents made it seem this way … also my name means princess, so it’s always been something they kinda said was related to my “native American history” (and after my adoptive mom’s gran) …”

So yeah, she studied with vigor Native American art, history, especially Cherokee traditions… But now she is embarrassed – “How fucking stupid I must have looked.. were my adoptive parents laughing at me behind my back? Were other people laughing at me behind my back? They *must* have been…”

She goes on to add – “Meanwhile, I have a gran I’ve never met who desperately wanted to keep me, enough to lie to multiple government agencies about it, but I’ve never ever met her or seen a photo or even know her name.” She ends on this note – Trauma really boils up when you least expect it.

One commenter said – “I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. And whether it is or isn’t your culture, I’m sorry they even degraded it with their comment about the reservation.”

Another adoptee offers this – “I was also raised being told I was Native, although they had no way of possibly knowing. I spoke to a few friends who are Native American about it once, and they commented that they have seen that happen often. Get a child and connect it to something negative (not my view) and you can make a better case for saving the “poor little Indian kid”. It’s so disturbing… and disappointing to learn they could lie so easily. I’ll say this though, nothing I learned, studied or love about Native culture has been a waste. My passion as an adult now lies with endangered Native languages. Take what your parents used against you, and make it into something beautiful.”

Another adoptee shared some history behind this practice – if you feel like doing some research, look into the LINK>Dawes Rolls and “Five Dollar Indians” (ie some white people bribed government officials to obtain land allotments, but this was not as widespread as some would believe). A LOT of white people claimed Native ancestry for the government benefits and paid to have the records falsified. I think there’s probably thousands of families who truly think that they’re part Native, but it’s actually based on a century old land-grab lie. I was also told that I was a large percentage Native and it was a big shock when my 23 and Me came back at 1%.

An adoptee who is also a lawyer suggested – I’m betting your biological grandmother made the Native American claim in order to invoke the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA). That act puts restrictions on adoption of children who have Native heritage. It’s a way to block or slow an adoption, while it’s being worked out. It would explain the “hoops” your adoptive parents had to jump through.

How did you find out it’s wrong? If it’s from commercial DNA testing, it might not have shown up because DNA testing is still quirky. Meaning — both could be true. You might have some Native heritage but it might be attenuated enough not to show up. She answered – “my birth father said it’s absolutely not true.” To which the lawyer suggested – I’m betting your biological grandmother said it as a last ditch effort to fight the adoption. That would make everyone jump through ICWA hoops and give her time. If it helps — I bet she said it meaning well, trying to fight. And your adoptive parents believed it. There’s no right answer on that one. Not believing her would be awful. Believing they lied makes you feel betrayed. I’m so sorry.

One adoptive parent commented – when we adopted one of our children, we were told that the father was blond, blue eyed, light skinned English heritage and the mother was 1/2 Czech, 1/4 English and 1/4 Spanish (from Spain). The report was very detailed and specific. The agency said in a very snotty way that “all the rich Mexicans say they are only Spanish but the baby may darken up a bit”. Fortunately we were open to an interracial adoption because our child looks like many Mexican Americans—pin straight jet black hair, black eyes, olive skin. DNA testing done when this child was already an adult showed that in fact the father must have been mixed Latino or just Native American. The heritage is 1/4 central European and the rest is the mix of a little Spanish/Italian and a lot Native American and that is fairly typical of Mexican American immigrants. My point is that 1) Biological mothers sometimes misidentify the father—maybe to involve someone more compliant in signing paperwork, maybe for other reasons 2) birth parents themselves don’t know their heritage or have shame about their heritage and believe myths about where they came from 3) agencies are selling a product and have every incentive to romanticize the story (Cherokee princess) or make the product more appealing in other ways (75% European vs 35% European). It is one of the tragedies of adoption that not only is the specific connection to the adoptee’s biological family lost but also the connection to cultural heritage. I’m really sorry that you were led astray. It sounds like your adoptive parents were complicit in perpetuating your heritage as “exotic.”

And this sad story – My birth mother told everyone my birth father was this Hispanic man. I think I knew it couldn’t be true because I am very obviously white, but wanted to believe because I wanted to trust her (and I look so much like her, so that was my reasoning for almost 20 years). My husband bought me a DNA test a few years back and turns out that was NOT my father – my father was actually her step brother (my grandparents got together when their kids were teens). She was well aware of who my father was. I can’t even describe the level of hurt I walked through during that season. It really sucks being lied to, especially after growing up and never knowing my heritage really. Not to mention feeling like a big dirty secret and so incredibly ridiculous for believing such a big lie.

The Whys and What Ifs

This was posted in my all things adoption group creating a bit of outrage and controversy. Some people here have such negative opinions about adoption or trying to find a family member to take them. What if the parents are messed up and sometimes it goes back generations? What if the other family members don’t want the kids? Adoption is not a bad word and helps many kids find stability. I have 6 adopted children with 3 different mothers involved and we all get along. I don’t judge them or bring up their past and they may not like the fact that they have to go through me to be in their children lives. I will tell you it works. I share everything with them about their children and even let them come to events. I deal with grandma’s and aunts and uncles and it works. They thank me for standing up, when relatives sat down and refused to take part. In a world where it takes a village, you are extremely naive to believe one person can get it done. I get it things don’t always work out as planned and the path you are on may all the sudden change. Foster and adoptive parents are heroes who take on challenges and many times don’t see the results of their labor. The situation is not perfect because you place people together with hopes, dreams and expectations and it never works out the way you’ve planned. Let’s face it though – that’s life.

Unsurprisingly, there were a lot of comments (188) and I won’t be sharing all of them but will selectively share a few. This person’s perspective on adoption and the need for it is not uncommon in adoptionland or among adoptive parents. No one wants to know that any child is abused or neglected. That should go without saying but sometimes it still must be said.

One said – you don’t think my messed up family loves their children??? These people need to stop taking children, they’re not saving them.

Another one notes (and I have seen this more times than I have a number for) – my adoptive parents were messed up.

Someone else said what must be said – All children deserve to be raised in a safe and loving home with parents who want them and are equipped to raise them. The issues arise when there are barriers to that happening and society prioritizes giving the child away over removing the barriers. Describing adoptive parents as ‘heroes’ feeds into that mistaken prioritization.

One noted – pretty sure my family has a book on surviving fucked up!!!! We still fought to keep our family together!! I will always, always argue family is best!!

The current activist/reformist perspective is – Stewardship or Guardianship. Then there is no need for “adoption” AT ALL.

One asked the hard questions – Why does helping families in crisis include owning their children? You said it yourself, “it takes a village” – so why does the one with most resources get to own the children? Why is it such a hard concept that the whole family should be lifted up out of crisis? Why does a child have to lose everything just to receive care?

An adoptive parent writes – the reality is that adoption is not all joy and perfection. The trauma that adopted children face is a reality, there are many different factors behind the trauma but there is no denying that taking a child from their mother is trauma. Are you able to set aside how amazing you think you are, in fact can you take off the superhero cape that you wear from long enough to try and understand the words of adult adoptees? Adoptive parents are not saviors, we are not hero’s. All of our stories and experiences are different but we can learn so much from adult adoptees and try to do better.

Someone else notes – We aren’t saying that adoption is evil, we are just saying it is mostly evil (today as things are). It is a corrupted system where children are the fodder for the selfish. We are trying to make changes so there is more help for families to stay together and less child trafficking. Children, should only be removed from their natural parents in the most dire of circumstances (Rape, Murder, Incest, etc.) And even then, being adopted is and will be traumatizing. The children suffer for it and will need life long access to therapy. If it is safe enough for children to visit with and see their parents, then it is safe enough for total reunification. It is a sick world we live in, where stealing a baby is commended but helping someone through the struggles of human life, so they can parent their own kids is rarely brought up.

Blogger’s Note – No wonder I spend time nearly every day trying to be part of the answer to what is wrong about adoption.

Staying With Mom Is Best

From my all things adoption group today. In a parenting group, the admin shared a post to open discussion. It was written by a hopeful adoptive parent whose plans fell through shortly after birth.

I was pleasantly surprised that many of the comments focused on the fact that staying with mom is best for baby. Many also expressed empathy for the woman who wanted a baby and couldn’t have one. Knowing my own deep joy at being a mother, I empathize with those who cannot… but not to the degree that it clouds my judgment about what real love for a child is (protecting their relationship with their mother, if at all possible).

I can’t know the pain of infertility, because I’ve not lived that life. I’m sad for those who do. But I HAVE lived the life of someone separated from my genetic mirrors and raised as second class in a family that wasn’t mine. Filling a hole in a would-be mother’s heart doesn’t justify the creation of holes in the child’s. Ever.

One comment in particular struck me. It was disgusting, and I don’t have the ability to respond to it without being very nasty. A woman claimed that getting up a woman’s hopes of receiving a child and then taking it away at birth is the same pain as delivering a stillborn baby.

I am so angry. Just… so, so angry.

Their logic doesn’t logic.

She went on and on about the pain of infertility, which I don’t at all seek to minimize. She wrote about the hopes of carrying her “own” baby. The truth is right there in her words. They know the difference. Given a choice, OF COURSE they’d choose to carry their “own”. But since they can’t, they selfishly want to steal or buy someone else’s for the sake of their own feelings, over the child’s or the true mother’s.

Her words recognize the profound, undeniable, biological, emotional, and spiritual difference of producing offspring versus stealing them. And yet in the next breath, she wants to claim the pain is identical to losing one carried in the mother’s own body. Gross.

One commenter made a strong case – it’s not always just warped selfishness with humans. There is the component of it being an evolutionary instinct. This doesn’t excuse us from doing the work and therapy to keep from seeking the injury to other people’s children that adoption is. We need to be better than our natural instincts. We can hold people to higher standards, while still recognizing that turning off the deep desire to raise children, for some, is about as easy as turning off clinical depression for others.

Another one admitted – I’m “maternally driven”, and I had an emergency hysterectomy. I have one biological child. I always wanted to have a lot of kids, but it wasn’t in the cards. I went to therapy. I got a dog. I sought out dogs and cats. Because my inability to have more children doesn’t give me the right to someone else’s children. But my pathological need to care for someone/something makes animal rescue PERFECT for me. And yes, it’s absolutely a pathology. I think that needs to be recognized and openly talked about more. It’s not BAD. It just IS, and there are healthy outlets for it.

One noted – This is such a parent focused view, to equate their loss as a death – when the baby is alive – just shows how much the focus is not on the child whatsoever.

One said – I went through infertility and it never even occurred to me to want to adopt. I wanted my own babies, not someone else’s. The thought of raising someone else’s child is honestly so unappealing to me. I bet it’s unappealing to a lot of infertile women.

To which someone else replied directly – It’s baffling to me that this *completely reasonable and valid position* is somehow controversial to a lot of people. And unfashionable. We’re supposed to think that the ability to pretend a child that isn’t your own, *is* your own, is a sign of being a good person, somebody who has ~evolved~ beyond our ~stupid~ animalistic need for tangible, biological connection. I’ve been told I’m a sociopathic monster, a narcissist, devoid of empathy, just because I feel the same way as you. Somebody else’s baby would not be my baby. It’s not the same as my baby. To deny that is ridiculous, it’s anti-science, it’s an actively harmful delusion. I’ve not been through infertility, but I can say that recently birthing my own first child has cemented this so firmly in my heart. My son is not a token who could be swapped interchangeably with any other random infant and I could not be swapped interchangeably with any other woman to be his mother. Our relationship is specific to the two of us, even six days into his life.

Double Whammy

An adoptee writes – “My birthday was a few days ago, and with Mother’s Day this weekend, there are a lot of complicated emotions flying around.”

Some background from the adoptee – I was adopted at birth by my aunt (my genetic mom’s sister) and uncle, and moved several states away. I was given a new name, new Birth Certificate, the whole works. My adoptive parents had been trying for a baby, and since my original mom didn’t have the resources (job, place of her own) they asked to adopt me. A month after I was born, my adoptive parents ended up pregnant with my brother. My sister followed a year later. I do not look like anyone in my adoptive family and I never felt like I fit in or belonged. I was treated way differently than my siblings. My adoptive mother passed away when I was 19. Since then, I’ve had a mediocre relationship with my adoptive dad, barely there communication with my brother, and my sister won’t acknowledge my existence.

I was a rebellious, angry teen, and my issues carried over into adulthood. I caused my family a lot of pain, but had no idea that any of my issues were likely caused by trauma. That said, I take responsibility for my decisions, own up to them, and have repaired relationships where possible. Still, I have lived most of my life filled with shame and thinking I am defective and a bad person regarding some of the choices I’ve made.

After years of therapy for depression and anxiety, a wonderful therapist suggested that my lifelong issues could be a result of adoption trauma. I brushed her off, saying “My adoption happened a long time ago. I’ve dealt with it. I’m fine.” And she gently replied, “No, I don’t think you are.” And so it was, that I started coming out of the fog five years ago, right around the time I turned 40.

I have always known who my mother was, but never got to know her and have only met her three times. The first was when I was 3. She visited with her new husband so that she could come clean about her “past.” The second was when I was 15. I was in the throes of angsty adolescence and started having issues around my identity. The whole purpose of my visit was to talk to her openly about my adoption, but…although her husband knew I was her daughter, she would not acknowledge that I was his sister to my half brother, who was 10 years old at the time. I had to tiptoe around for a week while he called me “cousin.” More shame. The last time I saw her was at my adoptive mother’s funeral, almost 26 years ago. We talk here and there, mostly on Facebook, but I literally don’t feel anything for her. She still talks of giving me up as being “the best thing” for me, without acknowledging the harm. I realize she was in an impossible situation, but just to have her see me, acknowledge the hurt I experienced and continue to deal with, would mean so much.

Being Trauma Informed

It doesn’t take long when one joins an adoption community to learn about trauma. Every adoptee has experienced trauma associated with having been adopted, whether they recognize that consciously or not. Being a part of such a community gives us a sense of support, nurturing, belonging and a sense of connection. This heals our sense of loneliness and isolation as well as impacting our culture and society.

Today I read an article in one of my sources of spiritual support, the LINK>Science of Mind Magazine. An assistant minister at a Centers for Spiritual Living location in Santa Clara California, the LINK>Rev Russ Legear wrote about Being Trauma Informed Is Being Inclusive. Recognizing that adoption will always have some degree of trauma attached becomes a place of inclusion for those who are part of such a community.

Having been separated from the mom who conceived and birthed us puts the adoptee into a survival response. So what is trauma ? It is the psychological aftermath of a negative experience which has either caused us an actual or even simply a perceived harm, injury or kind of violence. It may include an actual physical violation of our bodies or emotions (and simply being taken away from the woman in who’s womb we developed is that). Every adoptee experiences a loss of their power to choose as they are not old enough nor do they have the agency to make the choice that results in their becoming adopted.

Being traumatized stunts the emotions. The adoptee must create some way to cope, to protect themselves and to survive within a situation that is never natural. This affects the individuals ability to experience love, joy and it is difficult for them to entirely feel safe. Even an insensitive remark can make an adoptee feel powerless.

One of my own motivations in writing blogs each day is to build awareness in those who read these personal efforts that adoptees and their original mothers, often including their genetic fathers, carry this burden of of trauma to some degree. It is true that some may feel the sting of trauma more acutely than others but the effort is to help other people see that trauma was a valid experience for all adoptees (whether they would say that about themselves or not). That experience of trauma deserves to receive our respect. We can be aware that it has happened and have the courage to be open-hearted when it expresses itself in some behavior. By knowing that someone’s reaction has come out of the trauma allows us to be more heartfully open, compassionate, able to feel connected to what has been a truth whether it was our own personal truth or not. This attitude will help to restore power for the adoptee as we allow them the freedom to express their emotions related to adoption. We are more authentic and the adoptee is better able to find pathways to thrive, having been unburdened of the necessity of proving they have been traumatized by the process of being adopted.

Sharing the understanding that trauma has occurred creates s kind of unity, allowing us to transcend whatever seems to divide us. We have made space for the affected to experience some degree of healing and within ourselves to heal from misguided beliefs about the benign nature and “goodness” of adoption.

The Brain Has Been Rewired

Adoption trauma and ADHD can look similar or be co-existent. The explanation below comes from a trauma mitigation researcher was found helpful by some – “the brain has been rewired.”

Trauma (particularly neglect) can look close to “level 1” autism or ADHD/ADD. Their neural pathways are altered similarly, which is why the symptoms are similar. “Born” that way or chemically/head trauma caused (functioning altered from brain damage in childhood) and epigenetic/after birth alteration caused neurodiversity have slight specifics but ultimately the cause doesn’t matter in the “now”.

ADHD/ADD medication could help, even if they are only experiencing trauma responses that are causing those symptoms.

The difference tends to be that people with trauma have higher levels of BDNF – or a neuronal growth factor – and that gives them higher plasticity to regrow pathways. Medication does not reduce the BDNF level or neuroplasticity, in fact it can sometimes increase it further aiding in the process. The brain has been recently changed, instead of always being that way. So things like typical therapy (hypothetically) can rewire their brains, unlike people with “born” neurodiversity (and toxically caused/physically caused neurodiversity as brain damage that is typically permanent). People with born neurodiversity can “rewire” in their own ways but the traumatic stress from doing so, is a whole different thing. No matter the cause medication is a good choice.

More than one adoptee said things like – I do actually have ADHD and I wish I had been medicated for it as a child. I eventually turned to self-medication to try and function which developed into a full blow substance use disorder, which is not an uncommon outcome for children with untreated ADHD. Living with ADHD in a world that thinks you’re just lazy and chaotic is it’s own form of trauma. Not being able to stop yourself from acting in ways you don’t want to act is kind of terrifying, or it was for me as a child.

Another one – I wish I had been medicated as a child. I have severe ADHD (whether it’s trauma I couldn’t tell you). I was denied the medication that would have made school easier for me and the accommodations I deserved and needed to thrive. By the time I got to a four year university, I was so behind there was no chance.

And this – ADHD meds (Adderall) helped me concentrate. But I also have a diagnosis of ADHD on top of adoption trauma and CPTSD. I didn’t experience a downside aside from a bit of a crash, until I switched to extended release. A computer test at an ADHD treatment center that tested listening and reaction times helped tease out that I actually have ADHD.

And another – I didn’t figure out my ADHD / Neurodivergence until I had a toddler with traits much like my own, minus the adoption / trauma background. Turns out I’m a combo of both adoption trauma + ADHD. I recently figured out I’m also autistic. It’s quite possible many adoptees are Neurodivergent, on top of the trauma. So much of it is genetic — and who’s more likely to have an unplanned moment?? ADHD people. Meds were life changing for me. They’re short lived in the system, so if they’re not good for you, you can stop them and try something different.

Also from another adoptee – I read research recently that says adoptees are 2 to 3 times more likely to have ADHD or ASD. It fits with the damage done by maternal separation and forcing a child to pretend that strangers are their parents, when they know they’re not.

More – I have ADHD and my meds make my life significantly better I am calmer and can focus. Or this – I wish I’d been diagnosed as a child, I think a lot of us 80s and 90s babies got missed and labeled as difficult. My adoptive parents still tell me what an awful teenager I was. It is hard to say really, what was adoption trauma, ADHD, ASD or just being a teenager.

A different suggestion was this – I recommend trying the Safe and Sound Protocol before medication because it helps reset the nervous system and then, you can find out what was wired due to trauma/PTSD and what is chemical imbalances. I was over medicated for everything and it made me worse but no one realized it. The SSP is a music frequency that is designed to stimulate the vagus nerve which is in charge of your autonomic nervous system. It should be used for kids & adults with ADHD, those on the spectrum and PTSD etc! It can be LIFE CHANGING!

I found this from Janae Elisabeth, the Trauma Geek, on Medium – LINK>A Neurodivergent Review of the Safe and Sound Protocol. She writes – The original recommendation was for trauma survivors to listen to one hour of this filtered music each day for 5 days. That recommendation has been amended, as this pacing has been found to be too fast for many people. The current recommendation is to try 10–15 minute segments, and to take breaks between listening days. Even this pace can be too much for some people’s nervous system. For some people, a good pace involves listening to as little as 30 seconds of the protocol at a time. For other people, this tool may just not be a good fit in any format.

Difficult Challenges

Ok, sometime platitudes simply don’t cut it. Some people have such enormous challenges that life is going to be ongoingly difficult.

Here’s one example –

4 mos pregnant with her 4th child in Texas. Birth control failure. Homeless. Two of the other three kids are autistic. Husband is a disabled vet and is autistic as well. The VA trying to get them into a housing program. No familial support. Employment challenges, childcare issues. She has depression, anxiety, and OCD. “I feel stupid and lost and hopeless. I feel like the only solution is giving this baby up for adoption and that makes me feel ashamed.”

So, here is the impossible choice – abort or parent. She already understands adoption is trauma. Her question – is staying with parents so ill equipped to handle another child just trauma too? The thought of raising another child fills her with dread. She doesn’t know how she can handle it. She has no clue how they’ll do it, where they will be living, where she’ll give birth, etc. So many unknowns make her constantly feel on edge and like panicking.

Then came lots of suggestions and even some offers to help in some way or other but maybe the most important was this affirmation and encouragement –

Ok first off, take some deep breaths.

Let’s address some issues with how you are feeling first, then we can go into options and resources.

This is the most important part.

You are not dumb.

You are not useless.

You are not a hopeless case.

You are not a failure.

You are not a bad parent.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

You are not any of those things that negative, evil voice in the back of your head is telling you.

You are not any of those things others in society may tell you.

I know that voice and those people all too well myself. They are all liars.

Now let’s talk about what you ARE and why.

You are strong.

It takes strength to make the hard decisions. To put the needs of your kids above your own and that’s what you have been doing. You could have bailed on your kids anytime. But you haven’t. You are pushing through.

You are worthy.

You are so worthy of love, compassion and empathy for zero reason other than you being you.

You are smart.

You are taking time to really evaluate a situation and try to make the best decision. You are reaching out for help, and that’s wisdom.

You are not a failure or hopeless.

You are not either of those things because you aren’t giving up. You are trying. As long as you are trying, you are never a failure.

Now to your issue.

Take your husband out of the equation. Do you want to have this baby? If you do, I assure you resources can be found to help you parent.

If you want an abortion, I assure you, safe access can be found for you.

But the alternative to abortion isn’t adoption. The alternative to abortion is parenting.

I think you should stop and think through if you want to continue this pregnancy or not. Its your decision, period.

Either way, there are people who will support you and I’ve seen miracles in this regard – either to help someone parent, or to get whatever help or access is needed.

Life simply wants us to never give up – take the next logical step and know the temporary nature of many challenges we each inevitably face.