Support Without Preference

An adoptive parent who wants to be child centered in an awkward situation writes –

So our daughter is 12. I have had conversations with her about if/when she wants to talk to mom, that I’m completely open to that and I will support her in that choice, whatever that choice is. She doesn’t remember much about mom and was raised by her oldest sister.

Should I leave it at that? That it’s open when she’s ready? Allow her complete control? Should I reach out to her mom and contact her to let her know how our daughter is doing, updates, etc? Should I ask our daughter what she would like to me to do?

I found her mom on Facebook, but I haven’t friend requested her yet, as I really want to be sensitive to our daughter’s wants in contact or no contact with her. Our daughter helped search for her mom, and it took us forever because she wasn’t under her actual name, she used her youngest daughter’s name.

She has seen her mom twice since she was adopted, and both times she didn’t acknowledge mom, and I didn’t push. The one time I asked if she wanted to say hi, she said no, and I said okay, it’s your choice. We live in the same small town as mom, so visits could happen consistently if our daughter is open and willing to it, but it also means we could run into mom on any given day.

Should I reach out to mom? I have ways of getting her number, but I also want to honor the process of contact that my daughter may or may not want to have with her. Should I ask her? Should I wait, since she is 12 and is still going through so much already, adding this may overwhelm her? I just want to do my best by our girl, and would appreciate any insight other adoptee’s have on this situation. Thanks.

Some responses –

An adoptee notes – I tend to be of the opinion that less is more. You don’t want to accidentally make her feel pressured or like there’s an option you’d prefer. When I was young, my adoptive mother made a comment she didn’t think through, that made me avoid seeking my biological family for decades because I didn’t want to hurt her. I brought it up with her a couple of years ago, and she was horrified she’d left that impression, apologized, and encouraged me to do what I wanted. Leaving it supportive but open-ended gives her the space to make her own choices without guilt either way.

Another adoptee said – I’d give you daughter time to process and go at her pace. Don’t reach out to anyone. Don’t push. Just support her decisions, even if that decision is to remain detached.

An adoptive parent shares – I wouldn’t push it with mom. I have twins and one has wanted everything birth family since he was 8. He want’s everything – birth father and siblings. The other enjoys time with them but it’s not a priority, they are 17 now. My daughter has had a relationship with grandparents since day one. They adopted one of her younger sisters. We see them often. When it was safe, she was able to meet birth mom. I would encourage a sibling relationship, if mom has custody of younger siblings, and has to bring siblings. It will fall into place. One adoptee counters – “What do you mean when it was safe? Do you mean when you decided it was okay with you?” And it didn’t go well from there as the original commenter asked for ADOPTEE perspectives.

Another adoptee did have a good suggestion that comes up over and over again – Is your daughter in therapy? If not, this sounds like a great time to get her a therapist that she can have a relationship with that makes her safe to open up about the complex feelings that come along with these issues. No matter how wonderful and supportive you are, she may still hold back because she doesn’t want to upset you. Not saying that’s the case here, just saying that it’s something that might result in you being the only trusted person she has conversations about this topic with.

Another adoptee added – I second this recommendation. Seeing as she’s only 12 years old (and still figuring out emotional regulation, processing emotions, etc.) a therapist could be helpful in guiding her through her thoughts and feelings about contact. It may take time to find the right therapist and form of therapy that works for her-and that’s completely normal. You clearly respect and value her choices, so keep instilling her with that confidence as she figures out what works best for her-and remind her it’s completely ok if that changes. If you wish to reach out to her mom as a way to keep her updated/check in/etc, you should definitely ask your daughter first.

Thankfully, these were answered with the best possible response – yes she is in therapy and I have also branched out and recently was in contact with an adoption trauma therapist who is actually an adoptee and may start making the transition from her current therapist to the adoption one if our daughter feels comfortable with it.

An obvious question – Where is the sibling who ‘took care of her’? She needs to have a relationship w/them. And the response – she’s currently close and our daughter has complete contact with her. Her sister is also expecting her own child, so I’m sure there is a lot going on for that sister but our daughter has an Apple Watch and has full contact with her as she chooses.

Photos on Social Media

I will admit that I have not been overly cautious about my privacy on social media. I’m a bit more cautious about my husband and children. I rarely mention names but on occasion have posted photos of my sons – but not frequently. Things become a bit more controversial when adoptees (especially young ones) are the focus.

I read this today and thought it was worth sharing here – Is it okay to share pictures of adopted children on secure/controlled social media, that’s managed by me until they are old enough to do it themselves, with only their biological family added to the account to view the pictures.

I’ve asked this question in other groups and the majority answer given by adoptees was NO, it’s not okay to share pictures of children on Social Media without their consent. I fully understand this and don’t want to do anything without the children giving consent. That said it did kind of turn into a lot of mixed things being said that I’ve been thinking about over the past few months.

The main rebuttals to not doing it were:

1. Children shouldn’t have their pictures shared without their consent. So much has already been done to adoptees without their consent and adoptive parents shouldn’t add to that.

2. Social Media is scary and can be used by malicious people for predatory reasons.

3. Once it’s on the internet it’s always there and the children might feel like they’ve been violated by so much being shared.

4. Some technology advice was given.

5. Social Media can easily lead to oversharing the adoptees story.

6. Many adoptive parents use their adoptive stories as click bait to get likes/self validation.

That said the majority of adoptees seemed to appreciate my rationale and saw that I was trying to build/maintain family connections. Because of that many gave suggestions for picture sharing such as:

1. Continue to text/email pictures

2. Continue to develop pictures and put them into photo albums and give them in person during meetups/etc.

I appreciate all the feedback I was given and have taken a few months to think it over. I’m still torn if I’m being honest and was hoping by providing clarification on my thoughts it might add insight and promote further discussion to aid my understanding/decision.

If I were to share on Social Media, it would be a locked account that everyone involved knows I’m managing until the children are old enough to take it over themselves. It would never be my personal social media. I’ve never shared anything on my personal social media aside from private groups and even then, I try my best to keep it vague because the entire world doesn’t need to know – not just my life, but so many other people’s personal business, especially the children involved.

My reasoning for still considering this is:

1. There are barriers to texting/emailing pictures such as data limits on phones, phone numbers changing, me never knowing if – me texting pictures when it’s a convenient time for me – might not be a convenient time for the person on the receiving side. I worry that therefore I might be causing harm despite having good intentions. Also, with email limits on how many pictures can be sent, even then, my program struggles to go through – no matter if I try on my phone or computer. With emails it forces me to use Dropbox at times and the pictures expire in 30 days. Also the second I send a text or email it can easily be uploaded to Social Media. Which I don’t mind, I don’t feel that it’s my place to try and set limits on what others do with pictures of their family. (I’m mindful of the pictures being sent and don’t send weird bathtub pictures or things like that.)

2. There are also barriers to sharing physical pictures. Anytime I’ve shared a picture by either text/email, I also get a physical copy made and do my best to get them to as many people as I can, when I can. Despite my best efforts there are some people who end up with a lot more than others. Asking family to meet up with an adoptive parent to see their family either in person or on calls isn’t an easy ask. Although it’s easy to assume that it’s good for them because at least they get something, it’s also very hard. I can’t imagine seeing your family, loving them, then seeing them cry when it’s time to go because they don’t get to go with you and have to go with their adoptive parent, or just having to see them leave with essentially a stranger, with or without tears. There are many reasons/possibilities but the fact is, I’m able to see conflicts with some more than others, therefore some get a lot of pictures and others don’t. Another barrier to physical pictures are that they can be lost. Also physical pictures can easily be scanned by any phone and shared to social media. If pictures are lost, there’s not much I can do other than reprint them. With scanned pictures there’s not much I can do, and again I don’t think it’s my place to try to tell someone what to do with pictures of their family.

3. There is also a huge bonus for me with sharing on Social Media. It would make it a lot easier for me to upload multiple pictures and share it with multiple people. Like everyone, I’ve got a lot going on. It’s easy for me to forget who got what pictures and accidentally leave someone out. If I could streamline my picture sharing process, it would give me more time to be present with the children, or not stay up late trying to do it all. I also wouldn’t have the worry/guilt of possibly forgetting someone. I’m fearful that I might say/do something to offend someone, therefore making it harder for them to want to deal with me in order to see the children while they are young and still need my help with facilitating all of this. I also think by sharing pictures with some of the people who haven’t been able to meetup with me and the children, for whatever reason, these would benefit too, and if their situation changes it might make it easier for them to contact me, therefore the children could possibly get more of their family.

With how fortunate we’ve been with having so many people who are willing to work with us, despite this being something no one involved wanted, I truly believe that my/our children will always have their family. I know as they get older they might feel differently about things. I don’t believe they would be upset about their pictures being shared with people they love, just like other non-adoptive kids don’t think much of their pictures being shared with their family & people they love. I could be wrong with that assumption though. I’ve involved them with picking out pictures, and who they are going to. They definitely don’t understand Social Media or the internet fully but they know their situation. They know when they were in foster care, the plan changed from reunification to adoption, that only changes things legally and no matter what – their family will always be exactly that, their family. When we think of things and explain them to the children it’s explained as there is my side of the family, my husband’s side of the family and their side of the family. They know their mom is their mom and I’m their adoptive mom, they know their aunts/uncles/grandparents and how they are related via Moms/Dads side. My intentions are to be as open, painfully honest and as factual as possible with them, always – even when I make mistakes and am wrong.

I’ve got some lived experiences being the daughter of an adoptee, who was forced to give her first child up to adoption in the Baby Scoop Era. I’m a former foster care young and now an adoptive parent. At times, all of this has given me insight/perspective but also it might hinder my current situation due to my own past. When I’ve asked this question in other adoptee led groups. The majority answer was no, don’t do it without consent, so I’ve respected their advice and haven’t done it. But there’s still a part of me that wants to. I’m not sure, if this is me challenging the status quo’s or if it’s really about me and my ego? I definitely like the idea of challenging the status quo because that’s what I’m always trying to do, but am not sure?

If you’ve made it through all of this I really appreciate the time it took you to read through all of this. Thank you for attempting to understand my perspective and offering any help.

One adoptee commented with this – Your assertion that your adopted children won’t mind their photos being shared because natural children don’t mind is weird. You have literally no way of knowing how they will feel as adults. We’ve made the choice not to share our recent child on social media and to stop posting our older child as well.

And she also offered this suggestion – We use a shared digital photo album. I have an iPhone and set up the album to share with all of our close friends and family. They can react the photos and leave comments, you can write captions on the photos too.

Unpacking The Trauma

It feels like a kind of critical mass when I go looking for an image to fit a theme for my blog here and many of them are identified as coming from this blog. Therefore, it was a bit difficult to find something else but I did find the one for today at a site I was not previously familiar with called – Forbidden Family. The site’s author is Doris Michol Sippel who was adopted as Joan Mary Wheeler and writes as LEGITIMATEBASTARD. She is also an American civil rights activist fighting for the freedom of 7 to 10 million domestic-and-foreign-born adopted and donor-conceived people. Doris promotes family preservation, kinship care, and custodial guardianship as better alternatives to adoption. blogger’s note – I agree with Doris’ preferred alternatives.

In my all things adoption group I read this morning, about that group – We understand that “NOT ALL” people should be with their biological family. We understand that there are times where adoption has to happen. However, what a lot of people fail to understand is the WHOLE point of that group is about UNPACKING the TRAUMA of adoption. It’s NOT about the unicorn, rainbow & butterflies aspect of adoption. There are TONS of groups where anyone can brag about how amazing your adoption is and why you love it, but that’s not what the group I belong to is for.

Sometimes the lines get blurred.

In that group, we don’t need post after post telling us why adoption is needed or why it can be a good thing. We aren’t ignorant. We understand there are bad people in the world who don’t need children nor want them. This doesn’t need to be said, because it’s known, it’s common sense. That’s not what we are in the group to discuss. When a commenter switches the narrative to the one they want it to be, it takes away from the focus that is the group’s purpose.

One adoptee notes – *Sometimes* adoption genuinely is the best option. And it will STILL come with trauma, because trauma is inherent to adoption EVEN if, or BECAUSE, it is necessary. I’ve never understood why adoptive parents get so defensive, when this is brought up. It’s not even a personal attack or criticism. You could be the best adoptive parent in the world. Your child’s adoption could have been 100% necessary. You can have a strong bond and a great life together. And trauma can and will live alongside that.

blogger’s note – I am the first to admit that I would absolutely not even exist but for the adoption of both of my parents. It wasn’t until I learned the truth of their early life stories and then, found the group I lean so heavily on to write a blog every day, that I understood that I too was “in the fog” of believing that adoption was the most normal thing in the world. It is NOT. This has been quite to paradox for me to unpack late in life.

NOT QUITE NARWHAL

I saw this book recommended to an adoptive parent. Then, I found a review at Red Thread Broken by Grace Newton (aka Grace Ping Hua). She is one of the 80,000 adoptees from China who currently live in the United States. She was born in Nanjing, Jiangsu Province, China. When she was two years old, she was abandoned and taken to the Nanjing Social Welfare Institute, where she stayed for a year. At three years of age, she was adopted and has lived in the United States ever since. She notes – “I have had the good fortune to go back to China twice and plan on returning in the near future.”

I have somewhat of a thing, but not an obsession, for unicorns. And the idea of this reminds me of Sandy in SpongeBob (she is a squirrel living in a air filled dome under the sea). From Grace’s review – “From the first page to the last, the illustrations in this book are darling. This book captures big and complicated emotions in very few words at an easy to grasp introductory level. Kelp knows he’s different from the other narwhals, and the author allows him to embrace feeling different without feeling ostracized.” Later she adds, “for adopted children the message is clear that it is okay and wonderful to hold love for both families.” blogger’s note – since learning about my original genetic grandparents and coming in contact with some of my genetic relations, an aunt and some cousins, that has proven a bigger struggle for me than I expected but I think I have finally arrived at that conclusion.

There are also some criticisms but she concludes with – “Though there are a couple of faults, the benefits greatly outweigh these and merit giving this book a read.” One criticism is that the author erased the parents from the book, but Grace believes that was an unintentional error given how carefully and clearly Sima emphasizes the importance of both worlds for Kelp. There is a lack of explanation regarding Kelp’s identity as a unicorn. And I definitely know this from acquaintances – many adoptees don’t find out until later in life that they are adopted.

Grace also notes that “the author of the book has left it open enough that Kelp can relate to any child living with loss and longing for love from both first and adoptive families, for a child navigating two households due to divorce, a child moving to a different school who wishes to keep old friends and make new ones, and many other situations of feeling torn.”

Plan B

Actually, NOT this one.

From a comment – Adoptive parents need to be honest that adopting is “Plan B”. If you were a “fertile myrtle”, you would not have sought someone else’s kid. Yes, that may sound harsh, but let’s face the reality. Adoptees are not your first choice. And foster parents, foster to adopt stories, are another Plan B. Only kinship reasons are somewhat valid. Most choices to foster are for self-serving reasons. Just own it.

One adoptive parent who’s child came from foster care responded – my self-serving reasons involve a desire to care for older children while avoiding pregnancy and the toddler / preschool / early elementary stage. Another is a desire to parent a child without being their mother. To which a response came from an adoptee – “That doesn’t make you their parent. You’re their CAREGIVER.”

A transracial, domestic infant adoptee notes – When I point that out to my adoptive mother, she gets so defensive but will also acknowledge the fact that they wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, if they didn’t have me ! This winter she told me, oh, we were going to adopt from South America but it wasn’t trustworthy, Asia was our second choice but then someone suggested we try at home and we were lucky, we got you. She didn’t understand why I feel interchangeable.

blogger’s note – it is often said, when an unwed mother reneges on her plan to surrender her baby for adoption, that any womb wet baby would do. The hopeful adoptive parents just go out and find another one. And I found this story heartbreaking but so honest –

My mom was 15 when she found out her “mom” was actually her grandmother and her “sister” was her real birth mom. My mom’s mom was 16 when she had her. I saw the trauma this caused my mom all her life. She was abused in her grandmother’s home for “looking like her dad” and I recall a time when I was a child and my mom called out her mom and asked her why she kept her and gave her to her grandmother knowing the abuse that happened in the home. Even when I was 10, this broke my heart. I had thought adoption or being in another home as a foster could have fixed her situation somehow. However, I’ve that the savior complex is real and isn’t helpful. Participating by fostering an older teen foster is still contributing to the problem. The system in the US is an inexcusable mess. The trauma my mom would have had being removed from her genetic family would have traumatized her as well, just in a different way, but still not “fixed” the problem. As an adult, I’m glad my mom was raised with family because she is Mexican and the very few people in her family that I talk to keep me connected with that side of my heritage. (My mom passed away a few years ago.) I’ve known many hopeful adoptive parents in my life and although they are “good people,” I try to advocate by asking them why they think it’s a good idea to take another family’s baby to complete their family. People don’t like it, when it’s worded that way, but it’s the truth. Other people’s babies should not be someone’s solution to a perceived problem.

Un-answered questions from an adoptive parent – I was a “fertile myrtle” and I wasn’t an anomaly in my adoptive parent circles. That said, adoption – like all choices in life that I can think of – is self-serving. Even kinship adoption is self-serving, as is foster care. People who learn about the harms and choose not to be part of that system are also motivated by self-serving motives – this is the preferable choice because it isn’t as likely to harm others but it’s still self-serving at its core. My question for adoptees is, regardless of self-interest, does one motivation feel more hurtful or damaging than another? Like does it hurt more to know you were Plan B, than if you knew you were the result of someone’s savior complex? I always assumed harm was harm and each motive carried different (but equal) flavors of potential harmful internalization for adoptees but maybe that’s not accurate?

A gay man writes – For whatever is worth, as a gay man, for a lot of us folk, adoption usually is Plan A. Another replies – I am also a gay man, neither of us are entitled to someone else’s child just because we can’t produce our own in the most traditional way. Adoption is not the answer. Someone else challenges – but if it were possible for you to biologically have kids with another man, I’m sure you would choose that route first? If so, adopting is still Plan B. The first gay man responds – at least in my case, no. Due to how adoption works in my country of Costa Rica. Adoption was always Plan A. On a very personal note, a lesbian friend once asked me to have a child with her, but I didn’t wanted to. I personally believe that is selfish to bring new life, when there’s a lot of kids in orphanages here. But, again, my view is very influenced on how adoption works here. Though, if I were a US citizen, with what I know now, adoption would totally be off the table.

And finally, this reality check from an adoptee – I’m going to be radical and say that I believe that anything anyone does is at least partly for self-serving reasons. Perhaps I should also add that I think being honest and aware of what aspects of one’s actions are serving one’s self is a good idea. I think it’s impossible to completely avoid your own self-interest, which means that I also believe it is not possible to be purely altruistic. I think the issue depends on whether the self-interest is an attempt to not face your infertility and those feelings and to pretend to the outside world that your kids are your biological kids or whether it is doing the very difficult job of raising some kids because they needed a safe, loving home, even if you otherwise wouldn’t have chosen to take that responsibility. Or something in between.

Have You Noticed ?

Lately, it seems every few days or weeks there is a new story that reaches my awareness related to Korean adoptees. Today, I have 2 to share in this blog. The Korean War was fought between North Korea and South Korea from 1950 to 1953. A lot of Korean born children came to the US after the war and in the decades since.

I discovered Kristen Kish in the current issue of Time magazine’s feature – 100 Next – The World’s Rising Stars and then found an interview in Bon Appetit – LINK>How Being an Adopted Korean Influences the Way Kristen Kish Cooks by Alyse Whitney, who notes – I was also adopted from Seoul (by a white family in upstate New York). She talked to Kish about feeling disconnected from Korean culture—especially the food.

Even before this, my husband pointed out a story in The Huffington Post – I Was Told My Parents Were Dead. 38 Years Later, I Got An Email That Changed Everything by Cat Powell-Hoffmann. As a Gemini, stories about twins fascinate me. She observes – “Was this why I could never shake that lonely gnawing in my belly when I was growing up? Was she the reason?”

Something that seems clear to me in reading both stories is how this cultural “exchange” failed to truly provide these adoptees with any cultural foundations. Kish was born in Seoul, South Korea as Kwon Yung Ran. After living in a few orphanages as an infant, she was adopted when she was four months old. Cat’s adoption records noted that she had been “abandoned at birth with no living relatives.” Contacted by a woman who worked at the adoption agency 38 years later, she is told – “you have family in South Korea. Your mother is alive and well.” And “You have a twin sister.”

The woman from the adoption agency forwarded two letters to Cat. The one from her birth mother addressed her by her orphan name, Yi Soon. Her words were tender and fragile. Her twin’s letter felt like living distant but parallel lives. Her reunion occurred in Tulsa Oklahoma, at the adoption agency’s corporate headquarters. She notes the “two women raced toward me with their arms outstretched and tears in their eyes.” She said meeting her twin was “like looking at a stranger wearing my face and using my voice — but one of us spoke Korean and the other did not. It was disorienting and bizarre to think I’d shared a womb with another human being and now I was meeting her again 38 years later.” Then she says, “The very first words my birth mother said to me were ‘Mianhae,’ which means ‘I’m sorry’ in Korean. Then she said ‘Saranghae,’ which means ‘I love you’.” Turns out that when she was born in 1973, twins were considered bad luck in Korea. Her mother had to choose and chose the first born twin. The cultural differences meant they didn’t understand each other, and they were accustomed to living very different lives. She says, “because of our language barrier, we were mostly forced to play charades to communicate, and I could barely get across the most basic sentiments, much less hold the heart-to-heart conversation I so desperately wanted to have with them.”

Back to Kristen Kish’s story – she writes, “As I grew up, I realized just how incredible it was to go from unwanted and abandoned by my birth mother to being part of a new, welcoming family, who felt only joy at my arrival.” Kish writes that adopted children are like “real-life Cabbage Patch Dolls” because they have their own special dates and certificates for when they are adopted and become citizens of the United States. Kristen Kish was adopted into a family in Kentwood Michigan. She says, “I love to eat Korean food, but I don’t need to cook it. Other people can do it better.”

Kish writes – “I don’t know anything about Korean culture. I was raised by a white family in Michigan, and I didn’t look in the mirror and think about why we didn’t all look the same. They are my family, and that’s all I know.” Also that “There’s this fondness I’ve always had for older Korean women—I soften up, and I can legit feel it inside my heart. They’ll be like ‘I’m so proud of you’ and it just crushes me, in this really sweet way,” Kish explained. “My life is f—king fantastic and I don’t want a Korean family, but we both know that there was another life that could have potentially happened. It’s the ‘what ifs?’ that get you.”

She has a positive perspective on her adoption but still hopes to one day at least go to the clinic where she was born. She notes – “I feel oddly disconnected because my family is my family. Maybe I wouldn’t have become a chef if I grew up in Korea. I was put up for adoption for a reason, whether I was unwanted or they couldn’t care for me, and my life wouldn’t have been as great. Being in a family that wants you, that life is much better.” Kish has been named as the new host of Bravo’s popular and long-running series “Top Chef,” which she won in it’s tenth season.

Not Judging Culture But . . .

Today’s blog is not about the people pictured above who simply represent a Pakistani couple with their baby . . . but it (the story) is interesting never-the-less. Not judging another country’s cultural practices either but I agree with the person who shared this. She ends on this thought – “Am I weird to think this is a terrible practice and likely adds another layer to the trauma done to adopted people and natural mothers/parents?”

So I’m Pakistani and I’ve heard of this practice taking place among *some* Pakistani families and it rubbed me the wrong way, based on what I know about adoption and surrogacy. Basically, let’s say there are two brothers. Brother A and his wife have no issue getting pregnant and having lots of kids while Brother B and his wife are struggling with infertility. The next time Brother A and his wife are expecting, Brother B and his wife, or other family members, will suggest that Brother A and his wife give up this baby to Brother B so he and his wife can finally have a baby. So Brother A’s wife becomes a surrogate of sorts.

I personally know a family that did this and have been asked myself if I’d do this for siblings, in laws, cousins, etc. I find this problematic because to me there is an assumption that the childless couple has some sort of claim or entitlement to another couples child. From what I know, a lot of women are basically volunteered, so consent is not fully present — family pressure is crazy in Pakistani families. “Your brother has no kids and you already have three, don’t be selfish!”

It seems men/fathers are generally much more amenable to this practice. There’s also some men who will marry additional wives purely for the sake of having kids/more kids. To me, surrogacy seems problematic for many of the same reasons as adoption.

Ethics of Destroying Families

All You Have Is Love documentary

Infant adoption has long been big business in the U.S. A typical domestic infant adoption runs between $40,000 and $70,000. Adoption entities – crisis pregnancy centers, agencies, lawyers, social workers and independent facilitators – may all profit from a finalized adoption. And the demand is huge! Each year, close to two million hopeful adoptive parents throw their well-crafted picture-perfect profiles into the adoption arena, hoping to be the chosen ones.

The documentary intends to explore, through interviews with birth family members, industry professionals and reform advocates, how the adoption process exploits expectant mothers. while providing infants to those hoping to adopt.

LINK>All You Have Is Love (hopefully coming in the Spring of 2024) is a project by Lisa Elaine Scott at Seed & Spark. She is a writer, video journalist and life-long human rights activist. The documentary will explore the challenges of an unplanned pregnancy and expose the tactics used to convince resource-less women to relinquish their babies. Most people assume that adoption is about finding parents for children when, in fact, the industry’s focus is on finding children for parents.

Is it ethical to build one family by destroying another ?

However, fewer than 1% of all pregnancies result in adoption. This means that most hoping to adopt will not. This also means that a lot of money is left on the table. So how does an industry survive with an inadequate supply? The answer: Rebrand with the promise of a “modern adoption.” Then find resource-less women and convince them that their babies are better off being raised by someone with more to give.

The documentary intends to identify the various entities in the pipeline, expose the myth of “open” adoption, and present community-based solutions and evaluate proposed regulations and reforms that will place the focus on family preservation.

Do watch the YouTube for an eye-opening view of what is really going on in adoptionland.

Painful Reminder

From my all things adoption group today – I was SA in March which resulted in the baby that I am currently pregnant with. I have had a really hard time deciding what I should do as I already have a 4 year old and I’m scared that the emotions that I’m feeling could negatively effect how I raise this child. Some days I feel like I’m the best thing for her because we have bonded these last 28 weeks. But what if I can’t get past the trauma that I endured when I finally take her home? Would it be best for me to give her to a family that I hope would love her in all the ways that I wish I could? Or will I see her face and decide that she is mine regardless of how she came to be? I’m so scared at this point because I’ve seen a lot of adoptees say that they resent their NM for abandoning them and I don’t want this baby to feel like I don’t love her because even if she isn’t here yet, I definitely do! I just don’t know if the trauma will surpass my love and I don’t know what I should do… I’m posting this because I want the raw and blunt opinions of y’all. I want to know if you think that I’d cause more trauma keeping her or giving her up? As a mom already, I can’t imagine life without my 4 year old but I made those choices for her existence, whereas I feel I didn’t get any choices when it comes to this baby.

As I was looking for an image, I came across this piece in Salon. LINK>I got pregnant from rape by Renee Devesty from 2012 (so not in response to all the crazy stuff related to abortion being forced on women by extremist Republicans today). Actually, I remember the crazy ideas of Todd Akin back when.

Back to some of the thoughts in my group (adoptee voices are privileged). One adoptee said bluntly – “no one will love her like you. No one. Get into therapy now and start preparing to bring her home.” Another said – “If you love her already, that’s a very good sign. Letting someone else raise her is gambling with her life. I’ve always known I’m adopted, and the Complex PTSD didn’t show itself until I was 51. It’s been four years of hell. I’d rather not exist than be adopted.” That last sentiment I see frequently, including “I would rather have been aborted.”

A survivor notes – I worried much the same, that I’d struggle because they remind me of him. But they are and have been from day one, their own people. Even the traits that are recognizable as their other genetic half, are endearing in them. Your new baby didn’t have any more choice at their conception than you did, you are in this together. You already feel bonded, which is a huge sign that you can work through whatever trauma baby may bring. It may not be easy, some days may truly suck, but I think that is a part of parenthood even if the baby was planned to their first breath. I’m pretty sure giving up baby would be more traumatic to you than keeping baby, and it would be unquestionably traumatic to baby to be separated from you.

Empathy from this adoptee – “That something so beautiful can come from something dark & hurtful is amazing. Of course you can & do Love Her! She is a part of you right now. You are her home and her safe place. Please choose her, choose love, let her help you heal from your trauma. Don’t inflict the trauma of adoption on her. You both deserve each other & your other child deserves their sister too.”

Narcissism

Started reading a piece by Shane Bouel on Medium titled LINK>Objectification of Adoption via Narcissism, subtitled – A Deplorable Default Truth of Adoption. I thought about the many times I have read adoptees describe their adoptive parent (usually the adoptive mother) as a narcissist. I reflected that I wasn’t sure I had ever written about that in this blog. You will need to be a “member” to read the entire Medium piece, so I will excerpt a few thoughts from his writing, until I hit the paywall myself.

He writes – The world of adoption is often portrayed as a realm of selflessness and love, where individuals make the profound choice to provide a home and family for a child in need. While this perspective is undoubtedly valid, there is an uncomfortable truth that deserves consideration: Adoption inherently invites narcissism.

[1] The Desire for Validation – One aspect that links adoption and narcissism is the inherent desire for validation. Individuals who choose to adopt may find validation in being perceived as saviors or heroes who rescue a child from a less fortunate situation. This need for external validation can be a manifestation of narcissistic tendencies, where one’s self-worth is closely tied to the approval and admiration of others.

[2] Control and Ownership – Another element to consider is the sense of control and ownership that adoption can bring. The act of adopting a child can be perceived as an assertion of power and control over another person’s life. This desire for control aligns with narcissistic traits, as narcissists often seek to dominate and exert influence over those around them.

[3] Idealized Self-Image – Narcissists tend to have an idealized self-image, and adoption can serve as a means to further enhance this image. Adoptive parents may view themselves as exceptionally kind, generous, and selfless, reinforcing their own positive self-perception. The adoption narrative can be a platform for bolstering the idealized self-image of those involved.

[4] Manipulation of Empathy – Narcissists are known for their ability to manipulate and elicit empathy from others. In the context of adoption, this manipulation can take the form of presenting themselves as selfless and virtuous individuals who are solely focused on the well-being of the child. This calculated display of empathy can be a…

(and I hit the paywall – I’m not really ready to go back to paying at this time).

I found a LINK>to Shane on FB, where he says this about his piece on Medium – This article delves into the complex dynamics at play, highlighting how the desire to adopt can intertwine with narcissistic tendencies and exploring the potential consequences of this intersection.

The truth of adoption is an uncomfortable reality that cannot be ignored. While adoption is often depicted as a selfless act driven by love and compassion, the underlying complexities reveal a darker side. Behind the heartwarming narratives lie stories of loss, identity struggles, and the commodification of vulnerable lives. The default truth of adoption encompasses the harsh realities of a system that can perpetuate secrecy, discrimination, and emotional trauma.

Why? Because the foundation of adoption is rooted in trauma, as long as the baby scoop era and forced adoption existed, adoption will be tarred with the same brush. Supporting saviorism over family preservation! Is this true adoption advocacy? In truth, adoption should be abolished! It’s time to call out toxic advocacy.