Forgiveness With Boundaries

I have read so many stories about adoptees that were abused in some way (whether physical, mental or emotional) by their adoptive mothers. I know my own mother’s experience with her adoptive mother growing up and into adulthood was not easy. I had my own difficult experience with that woman as well. But she could also be very thoughtful and generous as well. People are simply complicated.

So, your struggles as adoptees are not my own life’s experience and I have no ready answers. I was reading a story this morning about one man’s struggle to forgive the abuse he suffered from his father and I liked the concept that is the title of this blog today.

Things have been intense and then upsetting. I have neglected this blog. I do intend to begin posting here again, if not tomorrow, hopefully by next week – after I process through some more of my own disappointment that the future (for the foreseeable next few years) is not what I had hoped. Take good care of yourselves. Temper your willingness to attempt to understand those who have hurt you as a kind of forgiveness that has good boundaries to protect you from future pain, whatever your own particular boundaries are.

Post-Partum Depression

Giving a baby after giving birth is not the end of the story for many birth mothers. To be fair, there are a lot of links about adoptive mothers suffering post-adoption depression. Mostly due to unrealistic expectations about getting what they wanted. Some become depressed because adopting didn’t fix their underlying issues. Few think about the birth mother after she gives up her baby. Post adoption depression is the depression that a woman feels when her child is adopted away from her.

The reported rate of clinical postpartum depression (PPD) among new mothers is between 10-20%. In many cases of postpartum depression occurs within four to six weeks after birth because of the extreme hormonal changes; however, symptoms can appear up to 18 months after birth. Many birth mothers believe that they can’t experience postpartum depression after adoption. However, postpartum depression after adoption is as common.

I found content at this website – LINK>Texas Adoption Center – helpful for discussing the issue. There is much more there than I have time to cover in this blog today.

What are the signs that you are experiencing post-partum depression after giving up your baby ? Postpartum depression is defined as an episode of major depression associated with childbirth. Almost 600,000 women are diagnosed with postpartum each year and many cases of PPD go undiagnosed and untreated.

The symptoms of regular and delayed PPD are the same. However, the symptoms of postpartum depression and the “baby blues” are different. The “baby blues” refers to the feelings of sadness, worry, fatigue, and self-doubt that nearly 80% of birthmothers feel after delivery. This typically only lasts for a few days or weeks and resolves on its own.

In postpartum depression, estrogen and progesterone levels decrease significantly after delivery. As you work to balance the physical and emotional demands of giving birth and placing your baby for adoption, these changes can affect the chemistry of your brain. Physical exhaustion, sleep deprivation, self-esteem issues, and the emotions of making the best decision for you and your baby play a significant role in developing delayed PPD. Postpartum depression after adoption is similar to other episodes of depression that can occur during life. While the “baby blues” typically go away within 10-14 days, PPD is characterized by a daily loss of interest and joy in life that lasts.

The most common signs include:

Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy
Weight gain or loss that isn’t associated with your diet
Changes in your appetite
Unexplained crying or constant crying
Fatigue
Loss of energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or hopelessness
Changes in your sleep patterns
Suicidal thoughts or attempts

In addition to talking to a doctor or therapist (postpartum depression is a medical condition), you can be kind to yourself. Focus on your health and well-being. Don’t isolate yourself and be patient as you process such a major event in your lifetime.

A Lot Of Reasons

It is tricky not to feel rejected – today’s story (not my own) is from an adoptive mom.

I need suggestions on how to support my daughter. She is 8, but very wise. I also have her brother. We found their mom two-three years ago. The first time, contact didn’t last long due to mom. Now they have had a relationship for about 1 1/2 years. Initially they saw her at least weekly and talked on the phone multiple times a week. Then, she had a baby and recently got back custody of her oldest. The contact with my two is now sporadic. They were able to spend Christmas Day with her and her family. I understand why contact is less. I have told mom she takes the lead and I will do whatever. I know it is super hard for her for a lot of reasons. Some emotional and some just time constraints. I do what I can to make things easy and also, don’t want to be a nag or make her feel bad. I talked about this with my daughter and explained the why, as best I can. Unfortunately she still feels bad. And then, I get jealous for her, when I see her mom’s life with her other two. My daughter made a comment the other day that she was rejected by her family. I talked with her about it and told her in no way was she rejected and it wasn’t about her. I know what I say though doesn’t ease that thought.

One response was this – what stood out to me in this post was that her mom had a baby and got custody back of her oldest. That’s heavy. So in my mind and (hear me out) most likely every one else’s – you, as the adoptive parent, are the one standing in the way of full on reconciliation here. You can’t fix that unless you come to terms with that. Would this mom have her daughter back, if you didn’t legally adopt her and cut that option off ? She’s a middle child of 3 and the only child not with her mom. Yea there is a lot to unpack here and I think it starts with you. The adoptive mom’s response was – I also have her brother, so the two middle children. But yes, I know. And mom and I briefly talked about it. Nothing serious. To which the follow on response was – maybe a serious conversation needs to happen about these kids being re-adopted by their mother. ASAP.

From an adoptee – I am stuck on one sentence… “I have told mom she takes the lead and I will do whatever.” You know it’s hard, by your own words… Why are you not helping your children have a relationship with their mother by making it easier for her? I feel like you’ve set this up to be even harder for her – navigating life with a baby, reunification of an older child and trying to foster relationships with her children in your care. You’re in the position of power here. Make it easier for your children to have a relationship with their mother, and their siblings by actually doing things to make it easier for them. Stepping back just seems like such a cop out. You need to do the hard things for the children in your care. Make the calls. Set up times for them to get together in ways that don’t add extra stress to their biological family. This isn’t just their relationship to watch happen – as a primary adult in their life, you need to work at making this successful too. The adoptive mom responded – I have. I have my kids make calls. They go unanswered. Or she will promise a call, overnight visit, day out whatever. Then when the time comes she ghosts. Doesn’t call or answer phone. I had my daughter call in Valentine’s Day. No answer or response to the voicemail. One suggestion from another was to include Grandma and this one shared – Please include any other family even if mom isn’t around. The boys I adopted, their mom is going through A LOT and has been for quite some time. But I have always kept contact with grandma. She’s the one that has been around the most and the one that I speak with the most. While she’s not around as much as I would like, it’s better than nothing. And one adoptee suggested – not having your daughter “call in” with that potential to be rejected. That’s so painful. If you call and her mother picks up and is happy to talk, then I think that would be the time to ask your daughter if she wants to connect (not vice versa).

Violating Boundaries

I’ve been guilty, even when trying not to violate them. Today’s story from an adoptive mother – I am wondering how to best respect my kid’s wishes without cutting her mom off. She’s 9. Her mom really loves her and wants pictures and updates “whenever”. I’ll ask my kid if it’s okay if I send a photo to her mom after we’ve taken it and she’ll almost always say no. I don’t want to ignore her wishes and send the pictures without asking or against her wishes, but I don’t want her mom to feel cut off when she’s not getting any photos or updates for awhile. The other thing is that her mom almost never reaches out for updates but is always happy to receive them. I’m trying to do what I can to help them both. Thoughts?

A kinship adoptive mother replies – I agree with those who’ve said not to send them. I have custody of a 16yo who’s lived with me for almost 2.5 years. Recently when angry, she blurted out that she hates me sharing her whole life on Facebook. That comment made me realize I’d never asked her permission to make FB posts about her and her accomplishments, etc. Of course, my first thought was – Well geez. I’m just proud of you, want to make sure your family members can see you grow, etc. In my head, I had a million good reasons for why I was doing what I do. But ultimately in the end, it makes her uncomfortable and I violated her boundaries without even realizing I was doing anything wrong. So a big apology ensued and I no longer post anything about her on social media. If she wants someone to see something or know something she can share it herself. Definitely respect your daughters’ boundaries and let her have the final say.

The first one was convinced – Will definitely continue respecting her wishes and see if we can facilitate different means of connection with her mom.

Some Thoughts

Adoptive mothers breastfeeding their adopted baby is a controversial topic. Even though it took assisted reproduction for me to give birth to my two sons, I was a devoted breast feeder – I fed each of them on the breast for over a year. So, I appreciated the perspective from one woman in my all things adoption group –

I grew up, and later lived with my breastfeeding babies in non privileged countries where formula was not a dependable option. Breastfeeding babies that weren’t related was common practice to keep babies fed. When I first read the outrage in this group over adoptive mothers breastfeeding, I felt personally attacked. I have breastfed other mother’s children and it really did feel natural. I didn’t engage in those conversations then because of my feelings.

I have taken the time to process what was said in those threads and it boils down to an understanding that adoptive mothers choosing to breastfeed is a selfish act. It is not child centered in any way. They are trying to force a bond that isn’t there. There is no way to steal a baby from their mother, then claim you are doing anything solely for the child’s well-being.

Another woman also pointed out the history of wet nurses with this comment – it was common in the past to have wet nurses, and more recently donated breast milk. I know a lot of people have feelings about breast milk and breastfeeding, but it truly is such a natural and amazing thing. I wish it wasn’t such a controversy.

Another woman noted – in response to an assertion that there is no nutritional value in medically induced breast feeding, which is what adoptive mothers do – “I’m a breastfeeding medicine doctor, and all breastmilk is nutritionally and immunologically superior to formula milks.”

Another person noted – there’s a difference between wet nursing for necessity and forcing a grieving infant to suckle you in order to fabricate some “as if born to” delusion. We’re talking about psychological abuse. If someone is being child centered, they should be pumping and feeding from a bottle plus this – the “first rule of lactation support” is: Feed the baby!

Someone questioned – wtf is a breast feeding medicine doctor? Where does one acquire that degree? And received this answer – I am a Certified Breastfeeding Specialist, on Pathway 3 to becoming an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, and a Breastfeeding Medicine Physician is exactly what it sounds like— trained doctor at the base, who specializes in lactation management. They are rare and even more medically qualified than International Board Certified Lactation Consultants (who don’t have to become a doctor first, but do specialize in lactation through intensive study and mentorship). And yet another agreed – I’m an MD practicing family medicine and I specialize in prenatal through lactation. When treating for lactation, it’s referred to as breastfeeding medicine. Just like there’s no degree for a “cardiologist” or a “pediatrician.” It’s a specialty you choose as a medical doctor (MD).

Someone else noted – And not only that, this is the most common medication, LINK>Domperidone, to induce lactation— which is rare to access in the US to begin with (as it is off-label use). Human milk can also be induced with herbs, diet, and/or just stimulation, without medication. As someone qualified in lactation support, the amount of misinformation I see spread in this group about lactation hurts. And I’m NOT talking about the ethics of feeding a baby who is not your own, which I’m so thankful about the perspectives on. We don’t have to throw out the proverbial baby (human milk) with the bathwater (direct feeding an adopted baby).

Narcissism

Started reading a piece by Shane Bouel on Medium titled LINK>Objectification of Adoption via Narcissism, subtitled – A Deplorable Default Truth of Adoption. I thought about the many times I have read adoptees describe their adoptive parent (usually the adoptive mother) as a narcissist. I reflected that I wasn’t sure I had ever written about that in this blog. You will need to be a “member” to read the entire Medium piece, so I will excerpt a few thoughts from his writing, until I hit the paywall myself.

He writes – The world of adoption is often portrayed as a realm of selflessness and love, where individuals make the profound choice to provide a home and family for a child in need. While this perspective is undoubtedly valid, there is an uncomfortable truth that deserves consideration: Adoption inherently invites narcissism.

[1] The Desire for Validation – One aspect that links adoption and narcissism is the inherent desire for validation. Individuals who choose to adopt may find validation in being perceived as saviors or heroes who rescue a child from a less fortunate situation. This need for external validation can be a manifestation of narcissistic tendencies, where one’s self-worth is closely tied to the approval and admiration of others.

[2] Control and Ownership – Another element to consider is the sense of control and ownership that adoption can bring. The act of adopting a child can be perceived as an assertion of power and control over another person’s life. This desire for control aligns with narcissistic traits, as narcissists often seek to dominate and exert influence over those around them.

[3] Idealized Self-Image – Narcissists tend to have an idealized self-image, and adoption can serve as a means to further enhance this image. Adoptive parents may view themselves as exceptionally kind, generous, and selfless, reinforcing their own positive self-perception. The adoption narrative can be a platform for bolstering the idealized self-image of those involved.

[4] Manipulation of Empathy – Narcissists are known for their ability to manipulate and elicit empathy from others. In the context of adoption, this manipulation can take the form of presenting themselves as selfless and virtuous individuals who are solely focused on the well-being of the child. This calculated display of empathy can be a…

(and I hit the paywall – I’m not really ready to go back to paying at this time).

I found a LINK>to Shane on FB, where he says this about his piece on Medium – This article delves into the complex dynamics at play, highlighting how the desire to adopt can intertwine with narcissistic tendencies and exploring the potential consequences of this intersection.

The truth of adoption is an uncomfortable reality that cannot be ignored. While adoption is often depicted as a selfless act driven by love and compassion, the underlying complexities reveal a darker side. Behind the heartwarming narratives lie stories of loss, identity struggles, and the commodification of vulnerable lives. The default truth of adoption encompasses the harsh realities of a system that can perpetuate secrecy, discrimination, and emotional trauma.

Why? Because the foundation of adoption is rooted in trauma, as long as the baby scoop era and forced adoption existed, adoption will be tarred with the same brush. Supporting saviorism over family preservation! Is this true adoption advocacy? In truth, adoption should be abolished! It’s time to call out toxic advocacy.

Infertility and Narcissism

So many times, I have read adoptees speaking of their adoptive mothers as narcissists. It seems that Infertile women have a higher rate of narcissism. Many of these women become adoptive mothers. The findings of a research study (Psychological profile of women with infertility: A comparative study) revealed that infertile women group differed from fertile women group with respect to narcissism, dimensions of attachment style and uses of defense mechanism. The primary infertile group also showed marked difference from the secondary infertile group with respect to those variables.

Though I did love my adoptive maternal grandmother, I am forced to realize that she likely was a narcissist. I had to look up the definition. “Personality qualities include thinking very highly of oneself, needing admiration, believing others are inferior, and lacking empathy for others.” My mom struggled with her, never felt she quite measured up. My adoptive maternal grandmother was a phenomenal person and well regarded in her own circles but I do believe she damaged my mom’s own self-esteem.

Some of the comments I read in a group that seeks the ethical reform of adoption included these –

I am unsure if the narcissism pre-exists and adoption amplifies it, or if adoption creates narcissism. I think you would have to be a narcissist to think you are superior to an actual mother and have the right to take her baby, keep her baby, and deny / control her contact. Along with belittling her and gaslighting the mother and her child. To invade a mother’s pregnancy and birth, smear their infertility over her and her baby, and exploit her – that takes a particular cruelty and ruthlessness. While dressing it up as being ‘noble’ or ‘kind’ to the rest of the world. Glad this is being looked at. There’s plenty of infertile women who don’t adopt out of empathy for the mother. They accept their childlessness.

My observation too, narcissism in so many adoptive mothers with weak, ill equip adoptive fathers trailing behind them, trying to pick up the broken pieces but failing miserably. It’s a terrifying thought – children being adopted into these unstable and often unsafe environments

Mothers who had narcissist as parents are a target group for adoption predation. The roles that narcissists put their children into, now that they are mothers, allows them to be exploited by adoption counsellors in order to procure babies for their clientele, the prospective adoptive parents. These mothers are far easier to manipulate and their trauma is exploited, which often hasn’t been addressed or dealt with previously. Like all that is bad in adoption practice, it exploits the trauma and uses it as emotional impetus for an outcome against the mother and against her keeping her baby, along with the impossibly brief time frames allowed for her to make a decision. The ultimate goal – relinquishment.

Booth Girls

This looks interesting to me (I have not read this recently published book). My paternal grandmother gave birth as an unwed mother in a San Diego home in 1935. It was called the Door of Hope. After her release with my father some months after his birth, she tried to seek refuge with her cousin who lived nearby. I am guessing it didn’t go well. My grandmother returned to the Salvation Army home seeking employment and was accepted. She traveled by train to El Paso TX with my dad in tow to another home for unwed mothers where she became a helper. When I discovered a cousin, thanks to 23 and Me, with the same grandmother, she expressed surprise the Salvation Army “owned” my dad at the time of his adoption. The family story was a nice couple took my dad because my grandmother could not financially support him. I will always believe that the Salvation Army coerced my grandmother into relinquishing him. Thanks to breadcrumbs she left for us in her photo albums retained by her daughter, the next youngest child after my dad, I was able to identify who my paternal grandfather was.

About the book shown above –

In 1961, my mother delivered her first daughter, my half-sister, at the Salvation Army Booth Memorial Hospital in St. Paul. Booth was a home for “unwed mothers” and so, like most of the other young women in residence, my mother surrendered her baby for adoption. She kept the whole experience a secret until 1994, when my sister found my mother. After my mother died in 2009, I set out to learn more about her experiences as Booth girl in hopes of understanding my own as an adoptive mother. Based on oral history interviews, archival research, family history, and memoir, Booth Girls is a story about mothering through the losses and gains of adoption.

~ Kim Heikkila, author

There is an informative video posted, “Mother’s Day” watchable at Vimeo, available at Heikkila’s website (because of it’s privacy settings I cannot embed it her but I do recommend watching it !!).

Black Widow

I was attracted to write about this film when I read an article in Time magazine about it. There is certainly the issue of infertility. But what really got my attention was when I read that in 2015’s Avengers: Age of Ultron, she relates to Hulk’s insecurity over turning into an actual green beast. She describes herself as a “monster” because of her forced hysterectomy and inability to bear children. In her childhood, she lives with a couple masquerading as her family. How many adoptees feel like that their whole lives ? (Hint – many – and that is being generous).

This is the part that surprised me – both Victoria Alonso (executive VP at Marvel Studios) and Cate Shortland (the solo female director) are BOTH adoptive mothers. Therefore, it was important to them personally to talk about the idea that the fact that you do not bear children does not mean that you are less than. In the movie, Natasha (Black Widow) and her sister Yelena (assumed to become her successor) have frank conversations about children (or the lack thereof), careers and their futures. They even make improbably funny jokes about their forced hysterectomies.

By all early accounts, this is considered a good film. We’ll see after some reviews have come out. The release date was July 9th (I’ll wait for the dvd). Here’s the movie trailer.

Spiritual Godmothers

When I was a child, we had godmothers. It was actually a religious thing, associated with the infant baptisms that were part of being raised Episcopalian. I never really knew my godparents. I got a gift or two early in my life but when I was old enough to actually know I received it and from whom.

However, today being Mother’s Day, it occurred to me that adoptive mothers are like godmothers who are present all the time. One could also put step-mothers in that category if the were the “good” kind and not the evil kind. For some people, aunts or even mother-in-laws are like godmothers (mine certainly was and treated me like a daughter the many years, decades really, we were together).

While the wound that adoptees suffer in being separated from their gestational mother is serious and primal, and while much not appreciative nor grateful can be said about any woman who takes a child in that they did not give birth to, I think that on a day like today, when mothering in general is celebrated, it is fair to take a step back from reform interests, just for today to acknowledge “god” mothers. These are mothers sent to us by the spiritual heart of Life itself to assist us in one way or another. Foster mothers fit into this category as well.

The all-pervading, all embracing, unchanging, and unceasing Love that evolves, supports, nurtures, protects, and provides space for its children to reach maturity. Some religions have made the effort to move away from concepts of a male god or they conceive a wholeness of the duality mother/father god. During my later adult years, for some extended period of time I entered into a practice called the Gaia Minute. In doing this practice, twice a day, I came to think of the Earth herself as my mother, the Sun as my father. Larger than the human entities that provided for us during our childhoods and for some time beyond that, indeed while we were made of these, this continues to be true throughout our human incarnation.

Sadly, some children lose their mother so early, they have no clear memories of her physically. That certainly happened to my paternal grandmother, who’s own mother died when she was only 3 mos old. That certainly happens to adoptees who are given to adoptive parents within hours or days of birth.

The maternal nurturing energy of the feminine is not bound by birth, nor even by gender (my husband is surprisingly nurturing as a human being). Our spiritual godmothers, however we obtain them, whenever we obtain them, help birth our soul’s journey by their grace. They encouraged us when we were down, they were they for us when our heart and soul ached (my own human mother could sense me in distress when I was in a different room).

The Divine Feminine of mothering energy is there to remind us that we are never alone in this thing called Life. Happy Mother’s Day to each and every person who has ever fulfilled that calling to serve another human being with the energy of Love, compassion, nurturing, safety, provision and presence.

There was something complete and nebulous

Which existed before the Heaven and Earth,

Silent, invisible

Unchanging, standing as One,

Unceasing, ever-revolving,

Able to be the Mother of the World.

~ Tao Te Ching