Unexpectedly Complicated

I can’t even imagine . . . a sister dies leaving one’s self a 1 yr old to care for. Further complicating the situation, no one knows who this child’s father is. She notes – “my family doesn’t have a filter and I know they will talk crap about my sister and I don’t want her to hear that.”

She adds, “My Mom keeps telling her I’m her new Mama and I keep correcting her to not say that to her, if she wants to call me Mom one day she can but that should be her natural choice.” blogger’s note – why not just Auntie, since that is what she is. However, she goes on to note – “she already calls my husband Dada but I think that is because she never had one to call Dada.”

She adds a basis for her worries – “I honestly only want her to know all the good about my sister and not the bad things, am I wrong for that? I don’t want her to worry that she will be like her one day, I struggled with that as a young adult, worrying I would be like my Mom, and I just don’t want that for her.”

A social worker who is also an adoptive parent answers – My daughter’s birth mother did not know the identity of the father. It really hit home for her in kindergarten when her class was making Father’s Day gifts and she asked me where her daddy was from, when she was born. I had to be honest with her and tell her I just didn’t know. Since that time I have registered her with 23andMe and Ancestry, but no close relatives have been found yet. You sound like a very caring person and who will work hard to provide a loving and safe environment for your niece.

One woman adopted as infant (but not through kinship) said, “I want to address some points/ language, as it is important.”

1. Babies remember their mothers. Implicit memory does this. Babies also grieve the loss of their mothers. This is lifelong.

2. Normalize allowing her to grieve and explore this out loud. Speak openly and frequently about her mom. Good memories, funny stories, similarities.

3. Come up with another name she can call you, like a derivative of your name that is easy for a baby to say. Note – She already has a Mom, and that is not you.

4. Please also normalize that your husband is not her biological father. Weave it into her life story.

5. If you don’t know who her biological father is, then be honest. Don’t ever lie, even by omission.

6. Challenge your own black and white thinking in terms of good/bad. Was your sister struggling with mental health / substance abuse, etc? These are reasons to be compassionate, and there are age appropriate ways to address this.

You cannot erase her loss, or her truth. You can be the safe place for her to explore and question it, without fear of offending the adults.

Policing Unethical Agencies

I read about this effort today, LINK>New Bill Introduces Federal Oversight Over Private Adoption Agencies, which seems like a step in the right direction (if the House can get it’s act together, which is a big IF at the moment) –

Congressmembers Doug Lamborn (R CO-05) and Annie Kuster (D NH-02) introduced the In Good Standing Adoption Agencies Act of 2023 (LINK>HR 5540) in the House of Representatives last week, a bill that would require the federal government to publish a list of licensed, private, 501(c)(3) adoption agencies in each state.

While private adoption agencies can provide wonderful services for families frustrated by overwhelmed, slow-moving or unresponsive public systems, unethical agencies can manipulate birth parents, adoptees and adoptive parents for personal gain. Private businesses — both for- and non-profit — need money to stay afloat. When successful adoptions are a company’s primary source of income, workers can become incentivized to force adoptions through. These bad actors can sometimes call themselves contractors or consultants to get around state laws, or they might meet licensing requirements in only one or two states.

HR 5540 would require states to tell the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) which private, non-profit adoption agencies are licensed in their jurisdiction, and which have been disciplined or sanctioned for not following the laws.

In looking for an image to illustrate today’s blog, I stumbled on this woman – LINK>Kirsta Bowman.

Kirsta is an activist for adoptees, foster children and reproductive rights. An adoptee herself, Bowman has been using her social media platforms to educate folks about the right-wing influence that runs rampant in the adoption industry as well as how said influence uses adoptees and foster children as pawns for their pro-life, for-profit agenda.

She writes – “When you grow up with pieces of paper showing how much your parents paid for you, it does make you feel like they should have a return on your investment,” Bowman said. “I grew up feeling like I had to prove my parents’ money’s worth.”

Four years ago, Bowman found her birth parents through Facebook, and that moment became the catalyst for her activism. “I started reaching out to other adoptees and realized that I’m not the only one who’s had issues with it,” she explains. “I learned that my birth mom actually did really want to keep me but was heavily pressured by my adoptive parents, and you learn how baby-hungry some of these people are who cannot physically have one.”

blogger’s note – maybe the only point I am trying to make today (I already write a lot about all that is wrong with adoption as it is practiced today and yesterday) is that there are GOOD people out there trying to make it all “better.”

Plan B

Actually, NOT this one.

From a comment – Adoptive parents need to be honest that adopting is “Plan B”. If you were a “fertile myrtle”, you would not have sought someone else’s kid. Yes, that may sound harsh, but let’s face the reality. Adoptees are not your first choice. And foster parents, foster to adopt stories, are another Plan B. Only kinship reasons are somewhat valid. Most choices to foster are for self-serving reasons. Just own it.

One adoptive parent who’s child came from foster care responded – my self-serving reasons involve a desire to care for older children while avoiding pregnancy and the toddler / preschool / early elementary stage. Another is a desire to parent a child without being their mother. To which a response came from an adoptee – “That doesn’t make you their parent. You’re their CAREGIVER.”

A transracial, domestic infant adoptee notes – When I point that out to my adoptive mother, she gets so defensive but will also acknowledge the fact that they wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, if they didn’t have me ! This winter she told me, oh, we were going to adopt from South America but it wasn’t trustworthy, Asia was our second choice but then someone suggested we try at home and we were lucky, we got you. She didn’t understand why I feel interchangeable.

blogger’s note – it is often said, when an unwed mother reneges on her plan to surrender her baby for adoption, that any womb wet baby would do. The hopeful adoptive parents just go out and find another one. And I found this story heartbreaking but so honest –

My mom was 15 when she found out her “mom” was actually her grandmother and her “sister” was her real birth mom. My mom’s mom was 16 when she had her. I saw the trauma this caused my mom all her life. She was abused in her grandmother’s home for “looking like her dad” and I recall a time when I was a child and my mom called out her mom and asked her why she kept her and gave her to her grandmother knowing the abuse that happened in the home. Even when I was 10, this broke my heart. I had thought adoption or being in another home as a foster could have fixed her situation somehow. However, I’ve that the savior complex is real and isn’t helpful. Participating by fostering an older teen foster is still contributing to the problem. The system in the US is an inexcusable mess. The trauma my mom would have had being removed from her genetic family would have traumatized her as well, just in a different way, but still not “fixed” the problem. As an adult, I’m glad my mom was raised with family because she is Mexican and the very few people in her family that I talk to keep me connected with that side of my heritage. (My mom passed away a few years ago.) I’ve known many hopeful adoptive parents in my life and although they are “good people,” I try to advocate by asking them why they think it’s a good idea to take another family’s baby to complete their family. People don’t like it, when it’s worded that way, but it’s the truth. Other people’s babies should not be someone’s solution to a perceived problem.

Un-answered questions from an adoptive parent – I was a “fertile myrtle” and I wasn’t an anomaly in my adoptive parent circles. That said, adoption – like all choices in life that I can think of – is self-serving. Even kinship adoption is self-serving, as is foster care. People who learn about the harms and choose not to be part of that system are also motivated by self-serving motives – this is the preferable choice because it isn’t as likely to harm others but it’s still self-serving at its core. My question for adoptees is, regardless of self-interest, does one motivation feel more hurtful or damaging than another? Like does it hurt more to know you were Plan B, than if you knew you were the result of someone’s savior complex? I always assumed harm was harm and each motive carried different (but equal) flavors of potential harmful internalization for adoptees but maybe that’s not accurate?

A gay man writes – For whatever is worth, as a gay man, for a lot of us folk, adoption usually is Plan A. Another replies – I am also a gay man, neither of us are entitled to someone else’s child just because we can’t produce our own in the most traditional way. Adoption is not the answer. Someone else challenges – but if it were possible for you to biologically have kids with another man, I’m sure you would choose that route first? If so, adopting is still Plan B. The first gay man responds – at least in my case, no. Due to how adoption works in my country of Costa Rica. Adoption was always Plan A. On a very personal note, a lesbian friend once asked me to have a child with her, but I didn’t wanted to. I personally believe that is selfish to bring new life, when there’s a lot of kids in orphanages here. But, again, my view is very influenced on how adoption works here. Though, if I were a US citizen, with what I know now, adoption would totally be off the table.

And finally, this reality check from an adoptee – I’m going to be radical and say that I believe that anything anyone does is at least partly for self-serving reasons. Perhaps I should also add that I think being honest and aware of what aspects of one’s actions are serving one’s self is a good idea. I think it’s impossible to completely avoid your own self-interest, which means that I also believe it is not possible to be purely altruistic. I think the issue depends on whether the self-interest is an attempt to not face your infertility and those feelings and to pretend to the outside world that your kids are your biological kids or whether it is doing the very difficult job of raising some kids because they needed a safe, loving home, even if you otherwise wouldn’t have chosen to take that responsibility. Or something in between.

Adopt Change

Hugh Jackman and Deborra-Lee Furness

I don’t really “follow” celebrities but news that the two are divorcing caught my attention and then further this information – Hugh and Deborra-Lee Jackman are the parents of two children, whom they adopted as young children: Oscar, 23 and Ava, 18. “To be clear, Deb and I always wanted to adopt. So that was always in our plan,” Hugh Jackman told Katie Couric in 2012. Someone in my all things adoption group wrote – “didn’t they hold themselves up on a pedestal as superior (as wealthy 2 parent family) to the biological families of the kids they purchased & promise a better life & ‘forever family’.”

It is said that “After the past few years, the love they had for each other turned more into a friendship which got broken during COVID, as the lockdown didn’t help their marriage at all and really put a strain on their relationship. They worked on it and couldn’t get it back.”

Then, I read this – Deborah Furness is the driving force behind a not for profit adoption advocacy group in Australia called LINK>Adopt Change. Their key argument is to make it quicker and easier to adopt in Australia – they’re trying to make it more like the system in the USA. It’s revolting. They’re trying to campaign government departments to make Australia’s version of Termination of Parental Rights easier – it’s backwards thinking, to aid the stealing babies from poor families in order to give them to rich families. Someone else noted – as much as it’s a very very ‘small mercy’ comparative to the huge traumas they have already experienced in their lives – I am grateful that the children (of Hugh and Deborra-Lee) are both adults.

The Adopt Change website also notes that Deborra-lee is the co-founder of LINK>Hopeland, a US-based platform driving awareness around the issue of vulnerable children. The mission of Hopeland is to ensure children belong in loving families. Hopeland is about family strengthening and community empowerment and driving creative solutions for vulnerable and abandoned children globally. Sounds un-impeachable on the surface.

In discussing this story, one mother who surrendered her child to adoption writes – I was definitely encouraged to give my son a “two parent” family and that is touted in Christian circles as a reason single moms should choose adoption. My son’s adoptive parents divorced. And it turns out that I wasn’t given all the facts when I chose them as my child’s home and family. I’ll grant that she didn’t likely have the word “abuse” in her marriage vocabulary yet – because I was in an abusive marriage and can remember the day my subconscious allowed that word into my mind – but she did already know that the way her husband presented himself to the world was different than the way the family experienced him. And that was something I deserved to know when making such a life changing decision.

I know it happens. This happened with my sister’s choice of adoptive family (it was a private adoption through a lawyer). I think that sometimes adoption is a hoped for cure in a struggling marriage and it doesn’t always bring about that outcome.

Withholding Sibling Contact

Though this happens all too often, it is generally believed that sibling relationships matter and that they are very important when a family has been fractured. So, today’s story is heart concerning.

I am an adoptive parent of 2 former foster care youths. They are not related to one another. The youngest just turned 5. When we were in the process of adopting her, the social worker told us she had other (half) siblings that were also in the system and about to be adopted with another sibling of theirs. We asked about any visits they had and the social worker said “Oh, they don’t even know about her. We never did any visits or anything, it doesn’t matter, they are going to be adopted to another family with their other younger half brother.” I’m not in agreement about them not needing to know.

Eventually, I was able to get their first names and the name of their other sibling. I did some internet digging, their names aren’t super common, so I literally googled their first names. This led me to an obituary that had them listed as grandchildren. Then, I jumped on social media and looked up the names of the children listed and came across a public Instagram account belonging to the adoptive father. He had some photos of the kids with their names, from when they first came into his home.

I sat on it for a bit but decided to reach out via direct message. I introduced myself and acknowledged this may come across as a strange message and mentioned that I wasn’t sure if they were aware of their sister’s existence (there’s an additional sibling now too). I said I’d like to connect the kids, if possible. I got a response that was just “please call me” with the phone number. I was in the middle of bedtime, so I said I’d message when I was done and if it wasn’t too late for them (different time zones), I’d call.

So I call, it’s a bit late, but they insisted. It was an odd call for a number of reasons. He did most of the talking. It was a 90 minute call. He did make a point of telling me that it’s not that he doesn’t think their other siblings aren’t important but that they continuously emphasize that the siblings they now live with are their “real” siblings and the only ones that really matter. I was a bit surprised at the amount of negative things he shared about them (these poor kids have been through a lot). As this was a first meeting, it felt awkward having him kind of airing their dirty laundry so-to-speak.

He kept saying he had to take back the reigns from the oldest, she had always acted like a mother hen, but he’s the parent and he’s in charge now. He also said they had some contact with another sibling (unrelated to our daughter), but they cut it off because it seemed like any time they had any reminder of anyone from their past, they would “all just act like stupid little jerks.”…Wow.

One thing I did find out was, they had almost zero information on the dad or any photos. I don’t have a ton of info, but the basics, name, birthday, home town and I do have some photos, so I agreed to share them and sent them over after the call.

It was pretty obvious from the conversation that he didn’t think it was a good idea for any contact now between the kids. What caught me off guard was the message I received the next morning…I realize I may be reading into this. But this is the response I got – Right now is not the right time for my kids to see or even interact with their younger sister. Pleases respect our privacy. The siblings still need to get on track and work through their own trauma. We can revisit this in 5 years (or more) when I think they are ready.

I agree his kids need to be his number one priority. But I wonder if denying any contact between the siblings for 5 or more years will have negative impact. In 5 years, my daughter will be 10, his kids will be 14 and 16. I’m also wondering how to best approach this with my daughter, as our older child does have a relationship with her brothers. She knows their names, she knows they exist, she’s seen like the 2 pictures I got from his social media, but it sounds like that’s going to be the end of the road for a while.

(We are supposed to start working with a trauma informed adoption competent therapist in the next few months but haven’t started yet as we’ve been on the wait list. We had someone else lined up but we didn’t continue with that one due to her stating how lucky they were to be adopted into our family.)

I’m curious about the experiences from both angles. Both if your adoptive parent withheld sibling contact and family information and from those that wanted it but were blocked by your sibling’s adoptive parents. The man has since either deleted his Instagram or has blocked me.

An adoptee that is also a former foster care youth responded – Reading this has made me so mad. I find it disgusting that people think it’s acceptable to adopt children and play god with their lives and determine what they have a right to know ABOUT THEMSELVES.

I would be honest and open with your little one from the get go. She has siblings, they live X with X, unfortunately, she can’t have contact right now due to circumstances beyond your control but you are trying to establish contact.

I would look to contact the adoption agency that placed them, try and contact them and have a formal attempt at establishing contact via those channels.

I’d also be looking at getting damages/compensation from Child Protective Services for not considering/proper management of placement. Not establishing sibling relationships and creating additional trauma.

I had 7 sibling who went in to care with me, and was only allowed contact with one. By the time I was 16, I had messaged them all on Facebook and went through a horrible and traumatic time.

I also discovered in my twenties I have a further 3 siblings who were in care that I don’t know the names or details about, and it makes me angry and sick everyday that there are people walking around and I don’t get to know them because of someone else’s selfish decisions.

That man is going to cause those children UNTOLD damage and based on the things you’ve shared, it’ll be a miracle if they’re still even with him, by the time they are 16.

Parental Conflicts

One of the scariest things for an adoptee is to attempt a reunion with their birth parents after they reach adulthood because there is this sticky situation of how the adoptive parents will react to this situation. The image above comes from a blog titled – LINK>Reunion rocks. Reunion sucks. The author notes – *Adoptive parents who are not supportive of an adoptee’s right to search, you are a whole other blog. Sit tight. It was that issue that started my blog this morning.

In my all things adoption group, a young woman shared – “I’m wanting to connect with fellow adoptees and get some insight from anyone that has gone through this. I am wanting to finally pursue a relationship with my birth mother and my adoptive family is upset. I‘m just at a loss right now. I wished my birth mother a happy birthday yesterday and they are blowing it out of proportion. I feel sick.”

The jealousy was apparent. The adoptive parents stress – You had a pretty good life even though you don’t think you did. The adoptee counters in defense to an accusation – I never said she was the best mom ever (referring to her birth mom) and I don’t refer to her as my mom. She then asserts – I deserve to have a relationship with her in whatever capacity I wish and I won’t feel guilty about it and you don’t need to feel threatened. Then the honesty – I never said I had a bad life but there are so many things about adoption that are simply not okay.

What it comes down to is the adoptive parents’ feelings. The reality is that because of the adoptive parents’ feelings, any relationship that the adoptee develops with her birth mother will unavoidably alter in some way the relationship with her adoptive parents. (blogger’s note – I understand this, although I am not an adoptee – both of my parents were. Their adoptive parents were the only grandparents I knew growing up and for MOST of my adult life. As I began to learn about my original grandparents, after my parents and my adoptive grandparents had died, it did affect for a period of time how I felt about the adoptive ones. I needed time to sort out my feelings. This is entirely normal when dealing with such complex family relationships.)

I found this advice realistic – They will adjust. They need to process their new normal. Don’t take it personally because you did nothing wrong. Every family situation is different and the people involved. Respect and empathize with their response but don’t let it get in the way of your connecting. And connect with other adult adoptees who will always understand. I know it’s not easy…I know that as an adoptee. But I’m not allowing my adoptive family to make me feel bad anymore. It’s a natural thing to want that connection with one’s birth relatives. It’s natural for the adoptive family to feel insecure or fear the unknown. Just humans doing the best they know how. Some would describe this as white washing…I just think it’s looking at it from different angles and still respecting your own individual wishes. You’ve got this!

Living In Delusional LaLa Land

Delusions are beliefs that are held by many people based on inadequate information. Often, such people are resistant to rational arguments or evidence to the contrary. In other words, there are beliefs about adoption and adoptees that are based on incorrect information about the actual experience or even worst still, a bias based upon a profit motivated agenda. Adult adoptees are speaking loud and clear today about what their own experiences have been. From the all things adoption group that I am a part of, an adoptee (who is also a former foster care youth, former foster parent and a mother) expresses herself quite bluntly, but honestly –

So many assumptions, stereotypes about adoptees, and whataboutisms. I just wanna say that most of us have jobs, lives, relationships, children (or grandchildren!) of our own and plenty of other life obligations. Yet we are there to share with you our honest experiences.

Talking about your own adoption and adoption in general, when you’re a grown adult who has spent years and years in therapy, healing and growing, is A LOT of emotional labor for many adoptees. So, the adoptee posting this, doesn’t care about nor does she want to hear opinions from adoptive parents. So, please don’t comment with some self righteous, “I am not like THOSE people” story.

In a space that is supposed to prioritize adoptee voices, adoptive or hopeful adoptive parents seem to want adoptees to hold their hand and coddle them, by sharing the adoptee’s own trauma. That group space is literally called “facing realities” for a reason. So many adoptive or hopeful adoptive parents are just living in a delusional lala land. That simply isn’t the reality for many of the adoptees who are there. If you find yourself is such a space – please be considerate of the reasons that adoptees are there.

What are those reasons ? Most of the adoptees that are there, are there, because they care about your children. Deeply. They don’t want more children sitting at a window wondering if their mom is going to come get them. They don’t want more children being told their feelings are wrong or that they should be grateful. They don’t want children to grow up and be treated like they are bad, when they finally start to come to terms with their feelings.

Adoptees are not in that kind of space to be there for adoptive parents. I say that respectfully. They are there for the kids. If you truly care about your children and want to learn, then pay attention and learn, when you encounter a space like that.

To any of the other adoptees and former foster youth that are there – please do prioritize yourself over any obviously self-centered people. Yes, it IS triggering to see the selfishness. YOU really do matter more. If you need to, take a day off. Start your preferred self-care ritual. Do not let selfish people drag you out of the happy place you’ve built for yourself. I see you. I’m proud of you. Your voice and feelings matter.

Wound In The Soul

An adoptee writes – last month I reached out to my mom (biological) and how hurt I was that it went unanswered. She responded the other day, it looks like we’re going to give it another shot. I’m not really looking for anything, just sharing. I’m hopeful but really nervous. We’ll see. And if nothing else, I will know I tried.

She added, I just saw a screen shot of an adoptive parent talking about the kids being “MINE” – if you’re an adoptive parent you should know you don’t own the kid you adopt, we grow up and and into ourselves, we don’t owe adoptive parents our lives or even a connection.

There is no amount of lying, guilt tripping, manipulating, or being so great and or loving that, for some of us, could ever possibly fill the gaping wound in our souls for our actual biological family.

An adoptee suggested – Hopefully you both will try. No expectations except to be yourselves and get to know the other at this place of your lives. Maybe you can have some unanswered questions answered that will be meaningful for you. Wishing you everything you wish for yourselves.

Yet another sympathized – Wishing you good luck in your reconnection. My messages went unanswered for awhile as well. Just know you’re not alone and there is always hope for a good outcome.

Another adoptee chimed in with this suggestion – Adopters (and foster caregivers): STOP forcing/suggesting the children in your care call you their parent/mom/dad. YOU.ARE.NOT.OUR.PARENT. You are our “caregiver”. Stop pushing your imaginary narrative on Adoptees.

Another adoptee notes – I don’t understand how people genuinely think they own other people. We own ourselves. We share ourselves with those we want to. No one else can claim us, regardless of whether they have paperwork. We aren’t cars that they just get a title to and then own. Some adoptive parents overshare about their adopted kids on public social media, when the children are too young to consent and were adopted at a young age. Their biological parents might have eventually be able to care for them again. If it’s not about ownership, why not enable the parents to keep their kids or be temporary guardians rather than adopting their children ?

Yet another notes – Some people just don’t appreciate that adults are entitled to make their own decisions. My biological family spent years guilt tripping me and demanding that I see my biological mom because she was dying from cancer. I remember being told “she gave you life,” as if I’m indebted to her for all of eternity. She wasn’t there when I was sick and scared as a child. She never acted like a mother to me but I was supposed to step up and comfort her when she was sick ? Having and raising children is the reward for parents. There are no additional requirements to apply.

This one further explains – my biological parent gave me away to someone else to raise (I was not adopted). Then, when I was forced at 13 years old to go live with my biological mom. She blamed me for loving the person who raised me, who walked me to school the first day of kindergarten, who stayed up all night with me when sick, who (although she was not able to walk herself on her own) encouraged me to take first steps, who taught me all she knew with only a second grade education, who basically treated me like her child – while my mother lived her life as if I didn’t exist. She also blamed me for having some of the same mannerisms as the person who she had left me with. In other words, my mother blamed me for her bad decision and took her resentment out on me physically.

Which brings this person to this realization – shitty people will do shitty things to the people around them. Yes, it may be easier to forgive a biological parent for their actions, than it is to forgive an adoptive parent, but in my opinion – people are people and some people do things that hurt others. As people, we all are not perfect, and we all make mistakes, and our mistakes affect those around us, kids or adults.

To which one notes that sadly neither were some adoptive parents. So it is a matter of perspective. I was to be the cure for my adoptive mother’s “drinking problem” aka alcoholism. Guess what? It did not work.

Someone said – pretending like having a kid makes you a mother is also a false narrative. A mother is a lot more than just birthing a kid, and it is a lot more than just supporting that kid as they grow. Adoptive parents can be terrible people, because they’re people, not because they happen to have adopted kids, just like some biological parents are terrible people too. There are as many stories of terrible relationships between biological parents and their kids as there are of adoptive parents and their adopted children.

The one who started this goes on to note – I don’t like the assumption that mom and dad can be transferred so easily and based off opinions of people who really have no idea. How adopted people view their biological parents is up to them but from the outside, to claim to know who’s who, if someone is a mom or dad, seems wrong. I know how I view my biological parents and adoptive parents.

I guess the specific question of how a biological mom views herself would be for a first mom to chime in on, they know what they live. Maybe some would agree with you. I honestly don’t know. As far as saying things like “some biological parents are terrible too” and “there are as many stories of terrible relationships between biological parents and their kids, as there are of adoptive parents and their adopted children.” I am going to argue that.

I have not just seen in my own life how differently biological parents are towards their biological child vs an adopted one, even if they are bad parents, the relationship seems to be stronger, there is a natural pull. And of course, no, not always. But I don’t think you can claim those biological vs adoptive relationships are on equal ground, as far too many are not at all.

And, going a step further, I disagree with some adoptive parents not being terrible because they’re adoptive parents. I honestly believe that some could have chosen not to adopt, not to try and fulfill their wants, and avoided the stress the adopted child came with and turned into the person they did.

I think that some adoptive parents are so incredibly naive and by the time they realize the mess they’ve made from getting someone else’s child, it’s too late. They can’t / won’t back out, give the kid back, etc. and they become resentful, they might become abusive and yes, bad people – as an outcome of choosing to be adoptive parents.

Missing Dad

Father’s Day is Sunday, June 18th. Today, I read this in my all things adoption group from an adoptee – Fathers day this Sunday. I’ve been crying on and off all day, heartbroken that another father’s day will be spent without my dad. My adoptive dad is a good dad. It took work and therapy but both of my adoptive parents are trying to prove they have changed.

But I just want a hug from my dad. All I’ve ever wished for is a hug from him. He knows I want contact, says his schizophrenia and addiction are bad at the moment. He wasn’t an addict until I was 10/11. Because he knew he’d never see me again.

My mum put me in foster/adoptive care behind his back, when I was 6 months old. She abused me and he tried to take me out of the house. So she called the police, lied about it and they told him he had no rights to take me. I know my mum should never have had custody, but I didn’t need to be adopted. My dad was such a capable man and I hate the fact I’ve missed out on 23+ years with him.

The year was 2000 and she later adds more detail – My mum also lied about him sexually abusing me, after he reported her beating me and was saying he’d take me out of the house. The police said, if he left with me, they’d charge him with kidnapping. His whole foster family were wanting temporary custody, while he got his meds right and my mum chose to lie and put me in care with others instead.

She later explains – he wants contact but doesn’t want to hurt me, not realizing this is rejection and hurts me more. I want to respect his wishes of no contact but at the same time, I feel I’ve always put others before me and I deserve answers.

Someone replied – Just keep in mind that his disease is not your fault and it’s not a representation of his feelings for you.

Another adoptee admitted – my biological mom was schizophrenic and the removal of her kids spiraled her into addiction as well. I never met her. Only spoke to her on the phone.

blogger’s note – schizophrenia matters to me personally. It appears that it was latent but that an accident triggered it into an active state with my youngest sister. It really is a complicated situational relationship, when one has a family member caught up in the effects.

A Win for the ICWA

It came as a huge surprise yesterday when the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Indian Child Welfare Act. I was not surprised that Justices Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito dissented. They have become thorns causing the perception that the Supreme Court has a few problems. I was surprised that Justice Amy Coney Barrett wrote the opinion as she has adopted two children from Haiti. Maybe that was intended to soothe adoptive parents who could be upset at the court’s ruling.

I have written about this case several times since it first appeared on my own radar. Just search on ICWA and you will find blogs posted on November 10, 2019, twice in 2021 on August 24, 2021 and September 24, 2021 as well as twice in November 2022 on the 7th and 15th and again this 2023 year on March 10th.

The leaders of tribes involved in the case issued a joint statement calling the outcome a major victory for tribes and Native children. “We hope this decision will lay to rest the political attacks aimed at diminishing tribal sovereignty and creating instability throughout Indian law that have persisted for too long.”

Congress had passed the law in response to the alarming rate at which Native American and Alaska Native children were taken from their homes by public and private agencies. The law requires states to notify tribes and seek placement with the child’s extended family, members of the child’s tribe or other Native American families.

Three white families, the state of Texas and a small number of other states claimed the law is based on race and is unconstitutional under the equal protection clause. They also contended it puts the interests of tribes ahead of children and improperly allows the federal government too much power over adoptions and foster placements, areas that typically are under state control.

The lead plaintiffs in the Supreme Court case — Chad and Jennifer Brackeen of Fort Worth, Texas — adopted a Native American child after a prolonged legal fight with the Navajo Nation, one of the two largest Native American tribes, based in the Southwest. The Brackeens are trying to adopt the boy’s 5-year-old half-sister, known in court papers as Y.R.J., who has lived with them since infancy. The Navajo Nation has opposed that adoption.

It is important to note that Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who was in the majority on Thursday, wrote – “In my view, the equal protection issue is serious.” Kavanaugh also commented that the race of prospective parents and children could be used to reject a foster placement or adoption, “even if the placement is otherwise determined to be in the child’s best interests.” The Supreme Court dealt with that issue by determining that neither Texas nor the parents had legal standing to make that argument in this case. The Brackeens and others can make those arguments in state court proceedings and so the case is not over.

Matthew McGill, who represented the Brackeens at the Supreme Court, said he would press a racial discrimination claim in state court. “Our main concern is what today’s decision means for the little girl, Y.R.J . — now five years old — who has been a part of the Brackeen family for nearly her whole life. The Court did not address our core claim that ICWA impermissibly discriminates against Native American children and families that wish to adopt them, saying it must be brought in state court.”

All the children who have been involved in the current case at one point are enrolled or could be enrolled as Navajo, Cherokee, White Earth Band of Ojibwe and Ysleta del Sur Pueblo. Some of the adoptions have been finalized while some are still being challenged. More than three-quarters of the 574 federally recognized tribes in the country and nearly two dozen state attorneys general across the political spectrum had called on the high court to uphold the law.

Before the Indian Child Welfare Act was enacted, between 25% and 35% of Native American children were being taken from their homes and placed with adoptive families, in foster care or in institutions. Most were placed with white families or in boarding schools in attempts to assimilate them.

~ most of the details in today’s blog came by way of LINK>The PBS News Hour.