Assistance Failures – Missing Mom

Certainly, babies have been abandoned and later found with tragic results. I was aware of Baby Safe Haven boxes at fire stations. I wasn’t aware that the concept has expanded. Advertisements for the option include words like “No Shame, No Blame, No Names”.

Today, I read an informed person’s thoughts about Safe Surrenders – she wrote there is “so much ick surrounding the “safe surrender” story line, when with resources and help, the family would have been intact. It just broke us. I understand the “reason” for the anonymity of the surrender but I really wish there was some kind of question to determine why they felt this was their option. Do they need funding? Housing? Clothes? Material things? Emotional support? Physical or addiction needs? There really isn’t a situation, that without services, couldn’t be resolved and the family remain intact. I wish our country (US) was more willing to put the programs in place but I wish communities were also more empowered for this. It breaks my heart that these moms and children are separated when possibly very little is needed to help them.”

It is a refrain that I read over and over again. A point I make about our society being unwillingly to appropriately support families in crisis.

An adoptive parent noted – The “safe haven baby box” doesn’t necessarily have to be a part of it. My daughter was surrendered at a hospital. None of the safe haven babies I know about (around 30) were surrendered to a box in a wall…… they were surrendered at hospitals (the mother gave birth and left or simply walked in and handed the baby over). Some are surrendered at fire stations to an actual person or in a police station to a actual person.

To which someone asked – Isn’t there a window of time the mom or dad could come back for their baby? The answer was – Yes. The window does depend on the state. I’m in Wisconsin and here it is 3 months. If someone steps forward, then the case turns to a “regular” foster care case AFTER DNA is proven. ANY blood relative can step forward. After 3 months, the case continues as an adoptive case and adoption can occur after 6 months.

Again, the really is when local groups rally around a mom who’s struggling, very little help is necessary to support them. It can make a huge difference in a woman feeling so desperate that dropping her baby off at a hospital is a rational decision vs having that community support so that she can be successful in providing for her child. It’s almost insane. I think this is the reason people are very quick to point out a double standard. Too often, society will rally around an adoptive mom but a single mom struggling ? She really has a much more difficult time receiving the same offers of help. To the sad situation that a lot of them get shamed and so will not ask for help.

Many hopeful adoptive parents will sign up to foster “safe haven” babies. Their hope is to adopt (yes, this is actually a thing). In another person’s state, the natural parents have 14 days to come forward. I can’t imagine how bad a situation would have to be, to surrender your newborn. And there is heartbreak for that mother … and heartbreak for that child as they go through life not knowing their parents or medical history (or even their real birthdate).

It can be heartbreaking. Case in point –

We were matched with an expectant mother 2.5 years ago who chose to parent. We understood and gave her all the things we had for the baby. We checked in on her legitimately a few times to offer help, but she blocked us – which I also understood. This was not a $50,000 agency adoption. She found us on social media. During the time we got to know her, we also got to know her sister who we have remained Facebook friends with. The sister recently reached out to ask how we were doing. In that conversation she shared that soon after her niece was born, her sister got into a bad relationship and started using drugs. Her child was taken by Child Protective Services, the Termination of her Parental Rights by court order occurred and the foster parents adopted the child. The sister was complaining that at first the foster family let them have visits, but they were super uncomfortable, seemed sketchy, and have since blocked contact with the child’s biological family.

I do advocate for moms to keeping and raising their babies. The woman above asked, “but what about situations like this?” and goes on to make a point that there are some moms that do not do well parenting or maybe their circumstances change. That maybe she wasn’t as able to parent though she thought she was.

A really good response to this story acknowledged that the woman telling this story was really trying to learn and wrap their head around breaking out of the whole “rainbow and butterfly” narrative (what adoptees often refer to as the societal adoption myth). I believe you are mature enough to understand that there is always going to be a “not“ situation that falls into a gap. I have a sibling who could perhaps fall into that not all situation… (and in fact this blog author does too.) To answer your question… Yes, there are probably situations involving parents who don’t want to raise their children. Some parents believe the narrative that giving a baby for adoption is better than having an abortion. Some parents, maybe in this particular situation, decided to parent the child because they honestly feel that’s what is in the best interest of their child and it was. Here’s the reality – being in an abusive relationship can change the victim’s mentality. A person trapped in such a relationship can literally become someone you would no longer recognize and someone they never intended to be. So again… Had this child remained with the mother and had she received the kind of support and assistance she needed when she need it including how to get away from her abusive partner, this story would have had a good outcome. There are so many women in situations that really could use help. There are a bunch of places where the system fails to help. And in her case, those failures resulted in the termination of her parental rights. I immediately wonder why this woman’s sister wasn’t contacted to foster this child who is her kin. Why was this sister not encouraged to adopt this child? It’s too late for answers to these questions. I’m just saying there were so many ways in which this one child was failed by a seriously flawed system. The trauma will be huge over the child and her mother’s lifetimes.