Intrusive Questions

Long ago, in my early twenties, I learned not to ask intrusive questions. My operative mode is if someone wants me to know “whatever”, they will tell me. It does keep me out of awkward situations but not everyone has the same standards. Therefore, I can relate to today’s story. We have been honest about our sons’ conception – especially with them. In my mom’s group, some were “don’t tell”. I do wonder with inexpensive DNA testing and matching services, how that is working out for them. None of my business really but I have been on the receiving end of intrusive questions of all kinds over the years.

Here is the woman’s story – My 4 month old was conceived using a known-donor embryo. We often get asked (as many parents do) “who does she look like” or some variation (e.g. oh she has dark hair like mum or where do her beautiful brown eyes come from?). I feel torn on how to respond, our family and friends know about our baby’s conception and often we have conversations about how much our baby resembles one of her genetic siblings and parents. When unknown people or acquaintances make comments I usually just say thank you or agree, e.g. “she has your dark hair”, I’ll just smile and say yes but when they ask questions, I’m never sure how to respond. Would you feel it is most appropriate to just “lie” e.g. “where do her lovely brown eyes come from?” So, I respond “her uncle has brown eyes” or should I just tell the truth ?- “her genetic parents have brown eyes”. That would probably just prompt questions regarding her conception that I don’t feel it is appropriate to discuss in the elevator or with the sales assistant at a store.

One suggestion that I agree with is – a generic type answer or deflecting answer. Another option is simply not answering. I liked this one – I have heard some say “genetics are wild aren’t they?” Blogger’s response was – We stayed with age-appropriate answers but were always honest with our egg donor conceived sons. I have been on the receiving end of some intrusive questions. It all depends on who and the circumstances but mostly it is instinct. Not everything that someone wants to know are they entitled to know. This is how I probably responded most of the time – keeping it real and vague.

Someone noted – it’s just a cultural habit to ask these questions, people are trying to be friendly, not nosy. Blogger’s note – And I do think a lot of it is that. Very often, people will note the oldest boy looks like his father and the younger one looks like me – which I always find very funny because I know the truth. People see what they want to see and it is usually well meaning.

I do agree with this perspective – that being defensive around relatively standard small talk could make our kids uncomfortable about the topic. Of course, that is the last thing any of us who are part of this brave new world want. There are so many neutral, friendly phrases you can keep in your back pocket that aren’t lies but also aren’t too much information either. A relaxed, friendly, low-information response will convey to your child that you aren’t uncomfortable with your family’s truth, while also modeling healthy boundaries and being a good neighbor to the well-meaning strangers we interact with every day. This is the bottom line truth – you don’t need to explain every detail of your life to random strangers making small talk.

It Often Is About The Money

A kinship adoptee shares – I met a lady the other day who mentioned she was a foster parent. I asked her why she decided to become a foster parent (it’s something I’ve always wanted to do) and she said – because her mother-in-law it and told her California is giving bonuses right now as an incentive for people to do it. That was it, she didn’t give any other singular reason… like wanting to help a child?? So. mostly this is a rant because I was shocked that someone would just openly admit this – like it was totally okay, but also.. what would you say to her ? I was at work, so I would have to keep it professional, therefore I just didn’t say anything. I couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t get me a write up, at the very least. Any suggestions for the future ? I could see myself being in this situation again.

On woman, a former foster parent herself, replied – So, money means more than the best interest of a child ? This breaks my heart. One of my best friend is a foster parent. I am learning from her. I wanted to do it because of my own childhood. I had no one. Not a single person. These are REAL humans. My friend went through a brutal previous foster situation. She had to testify on her own defense after they made false statements. Currently, she has one child in her care. She will take a small break from teens because of how much she has gone through this year. I see how hard it is.

There seems to be a consensus that – if you’re making money being a foster parent, you aren’t doing it right. Which matches what I know about it and what the abuses I am aware of have involved. Someone said – at least she’s honest? Hundreds of foster care homes out here are lying and saying it’s for the kids, but keep their homes maxed out and never buy the kids anything. The foster parents retain most of the money. A former foster care child added – As sad as it is, as long as she doesn’t abuse them, that’s still a bit of a win. A lot of people take in kids just to abuse them.

One transracial adoptee notes – Why do you assume the children are NOT being abused ? Even ignoring the fact that foster youth and adoptees are statistically more likely to be abused, this is a person who *in their own words* is only in it for the money. That’s exactly the type of person who is MORE dangerous. Their concern isn’t the child, it’s the paycheck.

One foster parent shares – my bank account is suffering but the kids are happy ! That’s what matters to us. That’s what all kids do to your bank account. They’re expensive ! They need to see how the world works and have life experiences. So many of these kids haven’t even been out to eat ! How are they supposed to know what to strive for and how to order off a menu ? We do not have our own biological, genetic children, but the foster kids in our care – go on vacation, baseball games, eat out, get Halloween costumes, they’ve been to Hawaii with us and theme parks, they get nice clothes like everybody else. I’m not saying this for any praise or acknowledgement, but so that maybe somebody who is clueless, could see how it should be. I could list a million things but it’s silly because it’s not special, it’s just caring for a child, that we’re caring for, that lives in our home.

Someone else confirms – same. I’ve had to go into my savings account more than once for the children in my care.

Yet another person says – Firstly, most foster parents are worried about that check, abusive or not. There’s probably even foster parents who really care about the kids from the bottom of their hearts but live for that check and wouldn’t be a foster parent without it. Secondly, I’m not assuming they won’t be abused by that foster parent. If she’s made it clear she views housing random kids as something that’s transactional, that is better than those intentionally abusive fosters homes who up the “kind and loving” front but go out of their way to be monsters behind closed doors. If people create a false persona of being genuinely good, then it’s harder for any allegations against them to hold weight, which is why its a common tactic for many abusive foster parents. In today’s story, that specific foster parent put all her cards on the table, indicating what kind of person/foster parent she is. There are many foster homes, where the foster parents don’t care what the kids do – as long as they don’t cause too many problems. That is still bad, but it’s a lot better than some of the worst forms of abuse, which are all too common in foster homes. I’m not saying its right but sometimes there’s lesser evils even with a shit situation and that’s just the reality of it

Thwarted Father

I had never heard this legal term – Thwarted Father. However, there has been the occurrence of one in my own family. I thought I was “close” to my youngest sister when she became pregnant out of wedlock. It was always her intention to give her baby up for adoption and she sent me packages from prospective adoptive parents for my opinion about each. She also lied to me about who the father was. She lied about who the father was on her baby’s birth certificate.

Fast forward many years. Just before our dad died, my nephew’s adoptive mother contacted me. I had to share with her that my nephew’s mother actually is severely mentally ill (most likely paranoid schizophrenia but medical privacy laws have prevented our family from actually knowing her diagnosis – so this is experientially on my part but it is clear her mind operates in an entirely different way – which surprisingly I sort of understand as a kind of limbo – in this world we collectively share in common but not in exactly the same world that most people agree is a reality, using that last term rather loosely).

The DNA was just not adding up. I will always feel deeply grateful to my nephew’s adoptive mother for her willingness to go the extra mile for him to have accurate identity information. She hired a private investigator and eventually the DNA was narrowed down to two men who were brothers and who as it turns out my sister had had sexual relations with. Paternity tests of an advanced nature then determined which man was the father. Interestingly, he had only been with my sister sexually once. And she seduced him – according to the story – when she opened the door to him (he was there to drop papers off for our dad who was his friend), she dropped the towel covering her naked body. From a cousin there is an indication that my sister was sexually assaulted by her riding coach when she was only middle school age. While their interactions may have been consensual, at that age, I would not term it informed consent.

My nephew was a mature young adult by then. Certainly, it was awkward for my sister because she was very close with our dad. However, there is a dark side to this story. She knew. About 6 months after her baby was born and already adopted, she sent a newborn photo of her son to the father and told him. He threatened to sue for custody. On Father’s Day, she called his house very early in the morning to inform him the adoptive parents and the baby had been killed in a car accident. Imagine his surprise and his anger at having been thwarted from having a relationship with his son. They do try to build a relationship now. It is always hard to make up for all that was lost – in fact – it is never possible.

What exactly do ‘thwarted fathers’ get? Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Well unless you consider the scripted ridicule. And then they get ‘deadbeat’, ‘loser’, ‘serial impregnator’, ‘sperm donor’, etc…

According to the Meriam Webster dictionary, to thwart is to:

run counter to so as to effectively oppose or baffle : contravene
oppose successfully : defeat the hopes or aspirations of
pass through or across

In the case of adopted individuals – a “Thwarted Father” means he was effectively opposed, that the adoptive couple effectively violated his rights, even if unknowingly. It means his hopes and aspirations of being a father were defeated. He was passed. His child stolen from him with a trickery of the law. And I would add, a deliberate falsehood.

At this time, my nephew and myself as well (and his natural, biological/genetic father) all keep ourselves out of the awareness of my sister. It pains my own heart that it must be so but she refuses to accept treatment, as is her right. However, it is upsetting to be in direct contact with her. So we each, for our own well-being, chose not to have contact with her.

Welcome to June when we turn some of our attention to fathers. They deserve a bit, don’t you think ? With my two sons, I would be totally lost in trying to raise them without their dad in their lives. I know single moms who do a good job of it and maybe I would too – if I had to. Let’s just say, I’m grateful that I do not have to test that possibility in reality.

Shifting the Narrative

Listening to my favorite weekly inspirational broadcast of the Agape service lead by the Rev Dr Michael Bernard Beckwith, he shared the story of a troubled young man who had been adopted. He had been a difficult child and acted out until . . .

One day, he shifted the narrative of his life from being given away to being given an opportunity. Just that slight shift in perspective made all the difference.

Many adoptees struggle with the sense they were abandoned and rejected. They respond to those feelings generally in one of two ways – by becoming people pleasers or by becoming defiant. An adoptee cannot change the reality that they were adopted.

I was contemplating after some long discussions about the situation of my nephew. Not everyone can see things from my spiritual perspective. However, I came to the realization for him, that he was definitely NOT a mistake. Yes, my sister did something foolish and she compounded her error by not accepting responsibility and facing the truth. I can forgive her because I do know what an awkward situation the whole thing was.

However, it is my belief that my nephew CHOSE to come into this world knowing full well the unique circumstances he was entering through. Certainly, my hearts knows there has been some damage done – to him, to his natural father who was denied an opportunity to have a say in the outcome – but he is a quality young man. My heart believes he will be just fine.

There may be many journeys for him ahead in realizing his full potential but the journey I have taken in the last 24 hours, shifted the narrative for me – regarding my sister and regarding my nephew. I gave generously of my time to that discussion but I am the one who benefited by the effort.

The definition of opportunity is a set of circumstances that make it possible to do something.