Tag: Awkwardness

Disconnected by Fear

An adoptee writes –

I was adopted soon after birth in a very closed adoption. Through DNA testing and Facebook stalking, I found my biological mother in 2021. Though reserved, she agreed to meet in July 2021. I flew to her state (11 hours driving distance) and spent 4 hours with her in a restaurant, and then we went our separate ways. She was nice but said she had “memory issues” and couldn’t remember a lot of that time in her life. She has no pictures on social media and I didn’t take one when I met her.

In June this year, she said she wanted to drive the 11 hours with her husband and their camper to see me and my family. I was both ecstatic and very anxious, but made plans with her anyway. I checked in a few times between June and this weekend, because I knew she might change her mind. She frequently “likes” my posts on Facebook but we don’t talk much outside of that. She drove 10 hours in my direction and camped overnight on Friday in a town 1 hour away.

Saturday morning, she was supposed to come over to my house to meet my kids and husband and have breakfast. I scrubbed the whole house, bought a fruit and cheese tray, croissants, donuts, etc. At 8am, she texts me and says they need to bail and go back to their home state, because “storms” were in the forecast that night (storms were forecasted about 15 hours after she texted me, so not imminent.)

I’m struggling so much with feelings of abandonment and rejection resurfacing. I want to totally shut down and block her from my Facebook (where she gets daily insights into my life and my family, and I get nothing in return because she never posts and has no pictures on hers). How could she drive 10 hours in my direction and turn around with only 1 hour to go? I’m really having a hard time knowing how to navigate this. She hasn’t texted me since and I just told her I hope she has a safe drive home, because I don’t want to admit how much this hurts. Is it futile to try to have a relationship with someone so closed off and inaccessible?

One direct response was – She is afraid. She feels bad and she doesn’t want to hurt you more that she already has.

Blogger’s thought – it really is difficult to build a relationship, even with the advantage of genetic familial connection, when there is no physically shared family experiences and there has been no real relationship for so many years, decades even. This has been my experience in connecting with biological, genetic relatives as the child of parents who were both adoptees. It is awkward and so much is lacking due to the passage of time between people with no daily, monthly, yearly history together.

To make the point, another person commented – I’ve been in similar situation with my “biological father” and he never makes any effort. It hurts. I drove half way across the country to meet him and don’t hear from him unless I reach out. I’ve spoken to him maybe 2 times since 2017. My biological mother isn’t any different really, except she’s much closer.

Another person reaffirmed the earlier comments – I read your story. What I infer from it is that she is struggling mentally / emotionally with how to navigate a relationship with you, and unfortunately that has an impact on you, causing more harm. For her to want to make such a long trek and to get 10 hours into an 11 hour journey tells me that a motivation / desire is there, but stopping one hour away and bailing with a pitiful excuse indicates to me that she is overwhelmed or afraid, she doesn’t know how to handle the emotional toll and show up for you, so she ran away. Fight / flight / freeze; she chose flight.

A mother who surrendered a child to adoption wrote – She panicked. Maybe even had a anxiety or panic attack. She might also have PTSD from this whole situation and from being that close to you. I went up to DC so my husband could meet my family. It was the closest I’d been to my baby since his adoption finalized. I was on edge for two hours as we were leaving and even cried, while holding my second child.. It is truly so hard to navigate those feelings. Nothing can replace you and nothing can help that pain except for time. Give her time.

After So Much Secrecy

Today’s story –

I’m an infant adoptee, adopted within family – I was raised knowing my natural mother as my cousin; my natural mom’s uncle is my adoptive dad. I didn’t know the family relationship until 10 years ago, in adulthood.

In 2 weeks, I have a work trip to the city where my natural family lives – mother, father, full brother, and grandmother (adoptive dad’s sister). Since this trip came up a few days ago, I’ve been debating whether to reach out to my family and try to meet up for an afternoon. My adoptive parents have both passed away.

Background: While I remember always being told I was adopted, my adoptive mom was always really vague and acted like she didn’t know who my natural parents were – even though we had been in the same room with them multiple times! We didn’t see them often, just a few times a year until my adoptive dad’s parents (my natural great-grandparents) passed.

When my mom was pregnant, she had already secretly set up an adoption to strangers and kept her pregnancy quiet – but when I was born, my great-grandmother demanded that I stay in the family, and my adoptive parents suddenly got a call. So there was a ton of drama and secrecy there from the start.

I haven’t seen my natural parents since I was about 14, at my (great)grandfather’s funeral. We’ve chatted a couple of times via Facebook, but haven’t had much communication, and it always feels so weird after so much secrecy for so long.

Part of me thinks it would be nice to know them better, and seize the opportunity to see them for the first time in 20 years. Part of me wants to put my head in the sand and let sleeping dogs lie. I’ve been feeling really stuck, and need to make a decision soon to plan.

She then updates to add – I sent my natural parents a message this afternoon. They haven’t seen it yet, so we’ll see how it goes.