The rant I didn’t share yesterday but don’t take that or my image above to mean I didn’t and still don’t agree 100% with her perspective. From one all things adoption group – which has really been informative for me since 2017, when I first learned the truths of my own parents’ adoptions.
This group has helped dozens of moms get their babies back from hopeful adoptive parents. Most are simple revocations. Far too many have led to long drawn out court battles across state lines. Thankfully, we have generous members who have allowed us to help moms and dads fight.
These cases are agony for parents and babies. I never feel sympathy for the hopeful adoptive parents AKA as kidnappers for several reasons. One, they knew the risks going in. Two, they shouldn’t be so damn happy to take a baby out of their desperate parents’ arms. I’m not putting parents on a pedestal but I know the desperation that leads to relinquishing in the first place. Third, they ignore revocations and fight like hell to keep baby. We’ve helped five dads whose babies were placed for adoption without their consent.
I’m not the parent in any of these cases but during an ongoing “case” it consumes my thoughts. I wonder how hopeful adoptive parents can be so selfish. I wonder how some of them are so wealthy but use their wealth to fight to keep someone else’s child. So many in the cases we have helped with have been in financial positions to do so much good in the world but they are doing damage.
I struggle with understanding such selfishness. It crosses into evil. Yet, if cases like these hit the press, it’s the hopeful adoptive parents with all the sympathy. Natural parents are villains and not even because they signed in the first place, but because they are poor.
I can’t fathom how you look at someone during the lowest point in their life, when they feel desperate enough to give away their own child and take said child vs offering to help.
We look at every single profile when we receive join requests. I struggle with the constant “hoping to adopt” and GoFundMe’s posts asking for money to adopt. Yet, this group has existed for 9 years and those same people won’t buy a pacifier off a baby registry or donate a $1. WTF is a $1?
I believe in being a good human and baby buying isn’t it. Lusting after a baby isn’t it either.
This is the state of things on our modern era. LINK>My Adoption Advisor notes – As great as your adoption profile or website may be, if the right expectant parents don’t see it, it doesn’t matter. Today’s generation of expectant parents are looking for adopting parents online.
They go on to say – We provide 2 online advertising services. You must purchase both to get started.
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One adoptee activist notes – This is what we’ve always been up against in one form or another. But it is getting even more sophisticated now. It’s important that we all keep on telling our stories.
One says “But it’s not buying a human – it’s just paying fees.” Another adoptee says – “Why the need for an ad campaign ? Money is money ! FYI the ‘fee’ is directly related to what race the baby is !” That has been true for some time now.
Rich people buy poor women’s babies. It’s a fact and a reality in our capitalistic society. This NOT my own story but illustrates the deception someone who wants your baby will lay on you.
A random sad revelation about my child’s adoptive family. Today my Christmas gift finally got to their address. They live in NY and I’m in NC. The Amazon driver confirmed the drop off with a picture. When I saw the double doors, it crushed my heart because it turns out they’re wealthy. It felt like I’d been slapped in the fucking face.
When I thought about not going through with the adoption. The hopeful adoptive mother actually cried. She broke down in front of me saying “how will we afford ?”
I see these double doors now and think – there’s no way in hell you’re asking how you’ll afford something.
So okay, I am curious by nature. And I have their address. I’ve looked up the house on Google maps. It never occurred to me how rich they were – until now. And I looked up their house on Zillow. Call me obsessed, I don’t care.
They have a freaking 6 bedroom house with a finished basement in New York. They have a driveway, a back patio, a huge front porch and a front facing 2nd level patio.
The fact that she actually broke down in front of me, talking about how difficult it was to afford the hospital stay and fees. I can’t fucking believe she pulled that stunt with the 19 year old me. I can’t believe I fell for it.
It tears me apart on the inside, when I see the house on maps…. 2019 it was for sale. 2020 it sold for 1.28 million. In 2021, they took my baby. In 2022, I see baby toys are on the upper front porch.
I’m so disheartened and sad. I don’t even know if I can speak to them anymore. I don’t know what I would say because I’d definitely want to talk about it.
People with money will buy a baby. A wealthy couple suffering infertility will find a young woman who is expecting and offer to trade support during the pregnancy for the baby at the end. One of their conditions was that they be present at all of her doctor’s appointments. In the case of today’s story, they also offered a sympathetic “support” person. This was the man’s sister who had gone through a teen pregnancy when she was 17. She is now 24 years old and raising her 7 year old son.
This sister never had to consider giving up her baby. Her parents supported her so well, she didn’t even have to think about going to work after her baby’s birth. So this support person asked the pregnant young lady how much money she would need to keep and raise her baby. She did the math. It was very conservative and even included a schedule for repayment. Then this support person said I will give you everything you are asking for and then some – more baby supplies and more rent money. She offered to pay for vocational training for this young expectant mother after delivery. And she would not have to pay anything back, though she insisted that she would.
Long story short – she backed out of her adoption agreement with the couple. Of course, they are not only heartbroken but mad at his sister for her intervention. The young woman had to block the couple and the sister had to move away to stop their harassment. The sister simply could not allow this young woman who wanted to keep her baby to loose it. She asks, Am I the asshole for screwing up my brother’s adoption ? Of course not.
It is so wrong that hopeful adoptive parents are able to be given rights to view medical records and allowed at doctor’s appointments. It is a violation of HIPAA and the right to privacy, even if the mom signs a waiver. Being present for these visits is so coercive. Income shouldn’t be a determining factor in parenthood. So many mothers who lose their children had no option to keep them and no one to help them keep their baby.
One comment asked – When a human is in need, but gives no sign of not wanting their child, how does anyone deliberately separate them from their child and still sleep at night ? This couple found the expectant mother in a Facebook Buy Nothing group. These are often referred to as grey market adoptions.
There are so many hopeful adoptive parents, adoption lawyers, baby brokers etc all focused solely on getting babies. Not one of these ever bothers to ask the mother if they *want* their child or inquire how little the financial cost would be, to actually to keep the mother and child together.
Adoptive parents don’t like to hear it said that they “bought a child”. Over and over from former foster parents or adoptive parents, when they realize their role in adoptee trauma, will say “I didn’t know”. Or some variation of the below –
“I thought I was helping” “I had only heard good things about adoption/fostering” “I never thought about the parents” “I didn’t see it as buying a child” “I thought my situation was different” “I….” “I….” “I….” So many “I’s”.
The point is every one of these reasons comes down to a saviorism narrative, that society has created. When you continue using sugar-coated language, you are furthering that narrative.
You are centering yourself to make yourself feel better.
Adoptive parents, whether you like it or not, you bought a child. Money exchanged hands for you to receive a product. Is anyone telling you to go tell your traumatized toddler that ? Of course not. You have done enough damage. But you do need to reconcile that fact within yourself. And when that adoptee starts asking questions, be in a position to take accountability and center the adoptee, like you should have from the get go.
PS The adoptee does not owe you any gratitude for what you did.
In Crockett Texas, Rebecca Lanette Taylor was arrested after badgering a woman to sell her the woman’s baby. Wow !!
It all started in the self-checkout line. She had a baby in a car seat and her 1-year-old in the cart while waiting to use the self-checkout. Taylor “began commenting on her son’s blonde hair and blue eyes. She asked how much she could purchase him for. The mom tried to laugh this comment off, thinking Taylor was joking. Taylor told her that she had $250,000 in the car and she would pay that much for him. Then the mom told Taylor no amount of money would compel her to do such a thing.
Taylor continued to press the issue, and the mother told her to stay away. Taylor allegedly said she’d been looking forward to buying a baby for some time. Taylor was with another woman, who asked for the child’s name, though the mother didn’t answer that inquiry. However, the other woman knew the child’s name and called it out.
The mother waited for the two women to leave the store before heading to her car. In the parking lot, Taylor began screaming at the mom, saying if she wouldn’t take $250,000 for him, then she would give her $500,000 because she wanted him and she was going to take him.
The mother wisely locked her children in her car. Taylor continued to stand behind a black SUV that was next to the woman’s vehicle and continued to repeat that she wanted the child and was offering to buy him.
Eventually Taylor got into the black SUV and left. Police identified Taylor using store surveillance video and questioned the woman at her home. If found guilty of a third-degree felony, Taylor could face as many as 10 years in prison.
I will share some excerpts from this link where you can read Ashley Rhodes-Courter‘s essay about something that actually happened – Babies Don’t Belong Under The Christmas Tree: AN Open Letter From An Adult Adoptee. My image here comes from a feature in People magazine about the same story – Sisters Overcome with Joy After Finding New Adopted Baby Brother Under Christmas Tree. The date line is actually from 2015 but no doubt some adoptive parents will think this is a very cute idea that will also make them famous at least momentarily.
An adoptee’s perspective – In what they described as “one of the most magical experiences,” a Texas family posted a video on social media of their three daughters seeing their new baby brother for the first time. Captions accompanying the viral announcement included: “Sisters find newly-adopted baby brother under the tree,” “Parents hide new son under the Christmas tree for daughters,” and “Sisters’ adoption surprise!”
The children and family seem thrilled, but as an adult adoptee, adoptive mother, and social worker, I cringed and wished this family had been given better counsel. Not wanting to be hasty or “overly sensitive,” I asked professional peers and child advocates for their opinion. Most agreed that this video sends a variety of disturbing message to those not familiar with the intricacies of adoption. It was also the general consensus that surprising family members with a human being is not advised under any circumstance.
Even if adoption had been discussed in the family prior, it was made clear that the older children in the family were told nothing about this baby, and they had no idea they were about to welcome a child into their lives. The adoptive mother writes, “We met them at the door and told them that we had been out Christmas shopping and got them a gift to share…and it was under the tree!” Without knowing the context of the clip, a viewer might assume the little girls’ moment of delight, laughter, and tears was being expressed for a puppy, vacation, or desired toy. Adults understand the metaphor that children are “gifts,” however young children see the world more literally. The idea that the parents went shopping and came home with a baby reduces the complicated adoption process to a mere credit card transaction, likening the young boy as nothing more than a commodity.
While we are not told where this baby came from—or his price tag—it is likely these parents paid tens of thousands of dollars in legal and other fees for the privilege of adopting an infant. People enthralled by this “enchanting” scene would be better served to learn that there are currently over 120,000 foster children of all ages, abilities, and races available for adoption in America. People who believe it costs a great deal of money to adopt, would be interested to know that adopting children from their state’s dependency system has little to no costs, and many children come with subsidies to help pay for their medical care, education, and other expenses.
Adoptive parents strive to teach their adopted kids, family, and community that children are not possessions or accessories. These are little people whose needs are immense and whose love is infinite. Mothers and fathers adopt children because they want to be parents— not to be presents for their existing children. Children are not playthings to be ignored or dismissed when they cry, disobey, or getting boring; they are humans requiring years of care and nurturing. When I was still in foster care, a family who was interested in adopting me, stated: “We gave our kids the choice of getting a dog or a new sibling. They chose a sibling.” Fortunately for me, those screening the family realized this was completely inappropriate and explained this to the family.
Adoption already suffers from many skewed preconceptions. To some, adoption is a way “rich” people “steal” babies from “poor” people. Others believe they are rescuing children and should be praised for their sacrifice. Even worse, sometimes parents believe they are taking children on a trial basis and can return them if they are defective or don’t fit into their family. As a child, I knew many who were adopted—and later returned when they proved “unsatisfactory.” Adoption was a terrifying prospect for me because I knew that if I messed up, I could end up like one of those boomerang kids. As an adopted person, I must object when I see a baby depicted as an object. Parents never “own” their children and no child should be brought into a family—by adoption or birth—to fix a relationship, entertain, amuse or belong to someone else. The family is the resource for the child—not the other way around. For those of us seeking homes for waiting children, we want to find “A family for every child” and not a child for every family.
I cannot help wonder how the adopted boy will perceive his arrival. At some point in their lives, most adoptees struggle with wondering why they were rejected by their birth mothers or families or origin in the first place. He may wonder if he did something wrong, if he wasn’t loved, if this family simply had more money or resources than his birth family. Many adoptees already feel different than birth, or previously adopted children. Because the posted arrival pictures and video clip don’t allow for any nuance or explanations, all he (and the world) will see is that he was presented as “surprise” for the other members of the family, instead of being innately a member himself. The celebration should have been about him, not how others react to him. It would have been more appropriate and equally compelling to have the parents tell the children that the family had been matched with a baby; or, as one family did, surprise their foster children with adoption papers.
The latest manifestation of “caring” among some conservative people is that we should allow massive amounts of death among the old or immune compromised and just get back to work and crowding public places.
When it comes to MONEY it is clear that Pro-Lifers are really only pro birth. Once that baby is born, they could care less about the quality of life. And for some, even better, please surrender that baby to us. We will BUY your baby through adoption and we could care less about the pain and trauma that you and that baby go through due to our selfishness.
I know this sounds harsh. I’m not in a generous mood at the moment. With the Coronavirus, the new trajectory for these Pro-Life people is – let’s sacrifice the old folks on the altar of pandemic and get this over as quickly as possible – so we can go back to living like we want to.
Yesterday, the United States set a new record – the highest single day death count on the planet since this virus began spreading. And still, they support this president – who lied to us about how lethal this disease was going to be and who did NOTHING to prepare for it. Even now, he projects blame everywhere else but accepts NO responsibility for his own failure to take this threat seriously in the earliest stages (or even before it reached our own shores from China).
Forgive my rant. I wonder how many of these people will crowd their churches for Easter ? Maybe this country would be better off without them – though I wish no one to die from this wretched enemy of too many people.
Too many are Pro life unless you are old, poor or in jail. Then, they could care less – really.
Missing Mom 