Foster Care Mentoring

In my all things adoption group, a woman asked – I want to get involved in the foster care system in some way to help people in my community, but I’m trying to learn the best ways to do so without contributing to the flaws in the system. While I’d like to eventually foster myself, my husband and I are not yet in a place where we’d be able to. I recently learned that you can become a mentor to foster youth who will age out of the system and there seemed to be some research on improved outcomes through mentoring. Do any of you have any experience or advice related to the foster mentorship program? Is that a good way I can get involved?

Someone asked her – Are you interested in family preservation? Because that’s the purpose of foster care … mentoring & helping families stay together would be better than focusing on keeping families apart, don’t you think? She replied – Yeah that’s what I want! Would becoming a foster home be “focusing on keeping families apart” in your view? To which a long answer came – in a word – yes. It’s the very nature of being a foster home. You are caring for other people’s children in your home. Food for thought if you’re serious about helping – have you considered being a sort of respite home for a family rather than just taking the kids? Or welcoming a woman with her children together? Helping them get back on their feet? Providing child care while they work, go to school, etc? Mentor a family on life skills? Going grocery shopping for them? Driving them places? Helping them get a driver’s license? Help them get a job, go back to school, get technical or trade school training? Volunteer at Big Brother or Big Sister? There are so many ways to help without just taking kids away. These are normally just temporary problems. Do you know how many women get their kids taken away by CPS just because of poverty? Have you thought about what happens when someone loses their job due to cutbacks? Or during the pandemic? How do they look for work if they have kids? Why do people ALWAYS just want to take children???

To which she answered, I’m writing this out not to argue or say I’m right or something, I genuinely want to know what your thoughts are in response as I’m trying to learn. I definitely don’t want to take children away from their parents, especially not unnecessarily. I understand that the foster care system is broken and CPS is trigger happy and defective. My husband and I actually have talked about wanting to be a place where someone we know who’s in need can stay with us and we can provide help. My thought is, and if you know the answer to this I would be grateful, how would I be able to get in touch with families like you describe? If I knew of a family before CPS intervened, I’d absolutely want to help them to hopefully prevent their children from being taken away. But I’m not sure how to find those families, and in my area, there are more children being taken away and placed into the system than there are homes for them to stay in. I view that as a need that should be met. Those kids are unfortunately and most of the time unfairly being taken away anyways, and I’d much rather offer them a place to stay than they be placed in group homes, hotels, juvenile detention centers, offices, etc. And then I’d also be able to be a foster home that isn’t automatically against the parents and working to keep them apart, like so many foster homes are. Do you not think that would be a positive thing? I want to be a force for good in a broken system that actually wants family reunification, when so many foster homes and case workers are against the families. My goal is not to adopt, it is reunification.

An adoptee added – Being a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) is a great step, if you have time and organizational skills – and aren’t afraid to speak up when you see something that isn’t right. CASA are volunteers from the community who complete training that has been provided by the state or local CASA office and advocates for abused or neglected children. LINK>Be a CASA or GAL Volunteer.

Only 33% of youth in foster care have a driver’s license and only 56% graduate from high school. Youth in foster care often lack consistent relationships. They may struggle academically, developmentally, and relationally. High-quality relationships are the foundation for all other learning to take place. Adult mentors provide ongoing emotional support and guidance to youth in foster care. Mentors actively listen to hopes, fears, and dreams. They become an important part of the child’s journey toward better outcomes. LINK>Fostering Great Ideas – Reimagine Foster Care

One woman shared – We fostered a long time and then I did work mentoring parents with kids in the system. I did it informally, case by case, referred usually by caseworkers or attorneys I knew. But, that’s where the real difference is made, I think. Helping parents navigate the system, gain skills, have someone to talk to and support them, etc.

“Whether the burdens come from the hardships of poverty, the challenges of parental substance abuse or serious mental illness, the stresses of war, the threats of recurrent violence or chronic neglect, or a combination of factors, the single most common finding is that children who end up doing well have had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.”
~ National Scientific Council on the Developing Child

Muslim Teen

Today’s concerned question – Does it benefit a child in any way if they are adopted right before aging out of the foster system?

I happened upon my state’s adoption directory, which is disgusting because it lists HUMAN children as if they’re shelter dogs. Like, what the fuck? Oh, and of course all the children are POC and/or disabled because saintly wealthy white adoptive “angels” don’t want anything but healthy white infants.

What caught my eye was that there’s a Muslim teenage boy “looking for a home”. We’re a Muslim family. Of course, I don’t know his whole story. But he will be out of the system in a year or so. I don’t believe you magically know how the world works or can survive in your own when you hit 18. I’ve heard of this concept of adopting teens who are about to age out, so they have a home base/landing pad as they become legal adults. As a Muslim, we have no concept of adoption as Islam holds that adoption in the western sense takes advantage of orphans and erases the heritage of children. Would pursuing adoption for this child benefit him in any way? What if I financially supported him to find distant family, college enrollment, career development etc.? Or even just a home to celebrate Ramadan and both Eid’s in, as I doubt he’s in a Muslim home placement?

One response – Does it have to be adoption? Could you offer him guardianship in your state? Or even foster him instead so he has a Muslim household to go to?

Another notes – He’s old enough that you can ask him what he prefers. And another agrees and suggests – Present him with information and let him choose his future. And yet another – See what he wants to do and find out your options.

One advises – there are probably financial benefits for him, such as insurance, maybe help with tuition, stuff like that… Since he is an older child you could take him in and explore those things and give him a chance to decide if that is the choice that he wants.

Another shares – My former sister in law did this with one of her students. But she became his guardian and didn’t adopt. I’m not sure how they came to that arrangement, but he became part of the family as a teenager and she calls him her son. They supported him financially and he was able to get lots of scholarships all the way through grad school because he wasn’t adopted.

One who experienced foster care as a youth writes – NO to adoption or “permanent” placement. I was “placed” at 17 and 1 month away from aging out. The state decided I didn’t need any help related to foster care after that. I wasn’t eligible for ANYTHING related to being in care. I ended up homeless shortly after. This kid will lose transitional assistance if adopted or “permanently” housed.

One adoptive parent wrote – Check with the agency and your state in terms of what support they receive through young adulthood, if you adopt or not. The FAFSA for federal aid for education now has a question that asks if the student has been in foster care at any time after the age of 13, and if so they are considered independent and eligible for more aid than when parents income is considered. But consider what age they will have health insurance – if you have employer insurance that allows you to add them and continue to age 26, then that could be a big help to a young adult, if their state based medical insurance would end sooner. It varies by state whether there is any support available for foster youth between ages 18-21.

One adoptive parent noted – In California, he will be eligible for more aid from the state, if he is not adopted. However, the idea of your family including him in celebrations and becoming a source of cultural, religious, and emotional support is lovely.

A CASA volunteer shares – he may benefit more from supervised independent living thru age 21, if available. You could offer to be a resource as a place to go during college breaks and holidays, without making a formal arrangement. He might then consider/ask to be adopted as an adult. There may be certain advantages to not having to claim your income as household income, when it comes to services and educational expense.

An adoptive parent through foster care writes – I wish we had a federal system with normed supports to give you a concrete answer. You need to do some homework to see what is available in your specific state and region via options. Many regions offer more supports without adoption, such as transitional housing, college support, stipends, etc, where even guardianship would not be his best option. Other areas children loose all supports at 18, if not in care, but keep medical and a stipend until 23, if adopted as a teen. (I wish that wasn’t the case but it is in some places). I would just reach out to the case worker and not mention ANYTHING about the type of permanency and just start the conversation with that you are a Muslim home and would love to support. Some case workers will push adoption, so just get your foot in the door with some real conversations on how you can support him before mentioning your concerns about adoption. Having people in your corner to talk to, lean on, and celebrate with, would be an amazing support in and of itself.

A foster parent shares her experience with an orphaned teen. She is also a former CASA. They may well get more benefits, if they age out. It depends what they need or want to do, as to if it matters in their particular situation. As an example, I know a 17 yo wanting to go to four year private college, then grad school after that. If they are listed as independent, no parents, they very likely will get more in scholarships for both schools. If they are adopted, even after aging out, they’d no longer be considered independent, then the graduate school they want to attend would then require the parent assets and income information in considering private scholarships. Some scholarships are still available, if a foster kid is adopted at age 17. Others are not. It really depends what they want to do. Adoption means if the adopters pass away, the kid will inherit what they had but that can be done with wills and trusts, if you want to leave them anything should you pass away.

Another person who spent time in foster care and then was adopted notes – The aid at the state level is universally better and there are new federal aid packages that have lowered the minimum age and raised the limit for aid for people who have ever been in foster care. The foster care alumni association used to have some awesome resources. I would not participate in formal adoption but rather open your home as one resource (but don’t be offended, if they don’t accept). I had several home bases that filled different voids my adopted mom had but those relationships are since no longer a part of my life by my choice.

Judges Pro Narrative

Mary Rhodes Russell, MO Supreme Court Chief Justice

Our weekly local newspaper, The Democrat-News (hilarious if you realize how red Missouri is) had an op-ed by our MO Supreme Court Chief Justice, Mary Rhodes Russell, that was a pro-adoption narrative given legal standing. Really not a surprise. Many judges LOVE the great PR value of an adoption finalization hearing.

I’ll spare you all the sweet retelling of the incident. To her credit, she explains the three ways that the adoption of a child takes place. [1] Private agreement (in my family, there were two kinds – one an attorney represented and one a religion represented). She mentions an organization pairing the adoptive parents with an available child. [2] Step-parent adoption (fairly obviously straight forward). She does indicate “after the other natural parent has abandoned the child or otherwise has legally given up parental rights.” My daughter did have a step-mother helping my ex-husband raise her. Though there were times when I was not reachable that could have been considered abandonment, the truth is I was frequently in touch most of her childhood and contributed funds when asked (though when I had custody, my ex refused to make child support payments).

Lastly, there is [3] is an aspect of the juvenile justice system in the state of Missouri. These are cases of the child having been abused, neglected or abandoned and considered “in need of a permanent home elsewhere.”

She shares how a judge goes about deciding a case. Recommendations by the Division of Family Services and the results of a home study by one of their personnel. The local juvenile office provides the judge with their report. The child has a guardian ad litem appointed (to act as their attorney). She brings up the foster care system, noting there are not enough foster parents to meet the demand for them. It is only when the child can not be reunified with their genetic, biological parent that an adoption can occur. She also mentions the CASA volunteers. CASA stands for Court Appointed Special Advocates. She believes these volunteers bring about shorter foster care periods for the child they represent.

Don’t Be Negative

A question was asked today in my all things adoption and foster care group – Should foster caregivers be allowed to attend court hearings and/or speak to the judge ? What are your thoughts and why ?

I appreciated this response from a foster and adoptive parent – I believe there is a rule to allow foster parents or relatives speak at hearings. Usually the judge asks if we want to say anything after they are off the record. I only share 1 minute of positive things about the child. Everyone in the room already knows of any hard stuff, so that’s not my place. It’s almost more awkward to decline to speak than to share some positivity. There are times I’ve spoke up to throw the Dept of Human Services (DHS) under the bus though. When I’m fighting with a case worker to do their job, I will tell the judge “I’ve been advocating for ….. and the team is having a hard time following through”. The judge will make it an order and DHS has to move forward, so that’s helpful. There’s also been a few times I’ve asked for a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) to really make DHS mad. When the worker doesn’t like the parent and won’t budge on expanding visits, things like that.

A foster parent should never ever speak negatively of a parent in court. When they do, the judge dismisses all their comments and keeps a note that they are a pain in the $ss. And sometimes speaking only positive and seeing a parent at court and being kind helps build a bridge to great relationships. A lot of times we don’t see parents much, so any positive, supportive and kind interactions can really help. Which makes reunifying much easier.

I’m also a mentor (so I try to drill this in new foster parent heads) and work on the legal side to help parents get reunification faster, so I do spend a ton of time in court. A word of advice from experience – If you’re going to just speak mean or negative, don’t go!

Foster Care Reform

Discussion topic from my all things adoption (and foster care because they are very much intertwined) – Being a foster caregiver means you are contributing to a flawed and broken system. It makes you part of the problem.

Foster carers don’t like to hear that, they prefer to feel they are saviors. They will use terms like they are a “soft place for these kids to land while their parents work on the issues that got them there” or they just want to be a “place these kids feel safe and loved”. They want to “make a difference” in these kids lives because that feels all warm and cozy and is the perfect look at me social media moment.

Lovely sentiments..I’ll say good intentions as well, but they are only that..lovely sentiments that mean nothing when you have a corrupt, controlling, biased system watching over you. Your hands are tied.

How can you better help kids other than being a foster caregiver and taking your instructions from a corrupt system? What specific changes need to be made in child welfare for it to even be remotely something someone should consider aligning themselves with?

Some of the thoughts on this –

Becoming a CASA advocate. It’s free, and the classes are typically offered 2-3 times a year. Connecting with kids through programs like Boys and Girls Club, Big Brother Big Sister. Reaching out to vulnerable families and offering help directly to them.

The biggest change is that the resources given to fosterers need to be redirected to families in need and family preservation as a whole. Poverty should never be a cause for removal.

One notes – the system needs to look for more kin. This idea that only the next of kin can take children supports the system not putting any effort into keeping kids with family. Half the time they don’t even look for family. They say they do, but they don’t.

It should go without saying but still it must be emphasized that nobody wants kids in an unsafe situation (even though Child Protective Services regularly leaves children in awful situations). And I’m sure there are instances where a trained non-relative’s residence is the best place to support the child. But those services must be disconnected from the foster system as we know it.

From a social worker in the field of family preservation – the continued participation of foster parents is propping up the system. I work in a system with many examples of how easy it is to eliminate the need for fostering. Kinship care is one – here, kinship is defined according to Indigenous cultures, which is any person involved in the child’s life, culture, or community. Family preservation programming is another, either through social supports coming into the home or the family moving into a residential facility with all needed supports in place. Another option is supported living placements for youth; they live independently in their own apartment with support workers and services integrated as needed.

Stop viewing being poor as a moral fault or think it automatically makes you a bad parent.

A former foster parent writes – I stopped being a foster parent when I realized how little support and care the parents received. I think it was actually a social worker than made me realize it when she said you and every other foster parent are no different than the parents. You could easily be in their same situation. I think more foster parents need to realize they are no different and start thinking about what they would want if they were in the same situation.

Personally if my kids were removed I would want full access to them, their healthcare, their school records and sports. I would want for them to be returned as quickly possible. That being said I am clueless and ignorant on how to help and how to support these families. I feel like the biggest problem in our area is drugs. Other than carrying Narcan, I don’t know how else to support help these families staying together. To which, someone else suggested – You can get involved with your local women’s shelter, Domestic Violence Shelters, etc – that is a start.

Yet another notes – there are some areas that are beginning amazing programs that foster whole families, either in home or out of home. LINK>Saving Our Sisters is a great place to start, volunteering as a sister on the ground. I love that you understand and empathize with parents. That’s rare and appreciated.

Another option is helping with food pantries and clothing pantries. Personally, I refuse to have anything to do with goodwill or salvation army because they are beyond problematic. LINK>The Trevor Project is another wonderful organization to get involved with to help at risk LGBTQ youth. Churches are also a great place to reach out to. Many of them have programs that help the community, but always need help.

There are courses you can take through Red Cross that offer Infant CPR and Child Care Certifications. Go into online community pages and explain that you are a former fosterer and you have infant CPR training (basically put out your credentials) and offer to help with child care.

I could go on and on but there is always another way to address social problems beyond tearing genetically related, biological families apart.

Stupid Reasons

From a foster parent – I recently had a teen placed with me. This teen was removed for stupid reasons, cannot be placed with kin for more stupid reasons, she wants to be with her family, family is safe and caring and there is really no reason she should have been removed (except poverty=neglect and racism). She was placed with me so that she could keep in contact with family and do visits since they’re in the same city as I am. CPS or DCFS or whatever are saying that she cannot have unsupervised contact with anyone in her family, and there is one person in particular she is not to have any contact with at all. But these people are not dangerous and she wants to spend time with them.

My question is, how should I allow or not allow contact with these people ? I have already said that the family members, besides the one prohibited one, can spend the night here and be here whenever I’m here, because that’s allowed. But I’m wondering, do you all think I should allow unrestricted contact with these people, even if CPS says it’s not allowed ? Any difference in advice for the prohibited family member ? If I allow unrestricted contact and we get caught, the consequences for her are much greater than for me. She, at least for now, seems willing to follow the rules and won’t have contact, if I tell her she can’t. But I hate to tell her she can’t, when there’s really no danger, as far as I can tell. I’ve hinted to her that she’s allowed to go out on her own, and she doesn’t have to tell me where she’s going, so that’s what we’re doing for now. One time I drove her to her family member’s house and stayed outside in the car while she went in, so she had privacy with them but I was still kind of there. My thinking is that I don’t want her sneaking around trying to see them, and I don’t want her to feel guilty for wanting to be with her family, and if she hadn’t been removed (which she shouldn’t have been), she’d have full access to them.

Some responses –

From a Guardian Ad Litem – My feedback is a pretty strong no – I LOVE what you’re doing here, and honestly if I were the CASA on your case and knew about this, I’d strongly consider keeping your secret. But these conditions are non-optional in my area (and we have stupid arrangements too, but I’ve never had one quite this bad) and you are going to be at very high risk of losing the placement (and possibly your license) if they find out about this. This child is unlikely find another placement as child-centered as you, and in my area she might end up sleeping in the social worker’s office for days or weeks. I think you tell this young person that you are willing to do everything within the limits of the system to help, but you agreed to respect these constraints. You’re enforcing them because you value the child and their safety/stability of your placement, NOT necessarily because you feel they’re just. That distinction will not be lost on a teen.

From a Kinship Carer – You are playing a dangerous game, if you knowingly allow unsupervised contact. Her next placement will very very likely not be so kind. Whatever the stupid reason that the one person is totally no contact, abide by it. For the others, having them over while you are in another room is wonderful. Sitting outside in the car is likely not enough to constitute “supervision.” I’ve been in your position. It is very frustrating to spend hours and hours discreetly “supervising” (from another room) so as to not interfere and to allow the family normalcy. But weigh your light level of supervise vs what most placements would do and continue to follow the rules as lightly as you can. And hope that the family does their tasks, so she can go home sooner rather than later.

From an Adoptive Parent – If you do not follow DHS visitation plan restrictions that will be seen as failure to protect…she will likely be removed…and your home will likely be closed…sometimes they will accept she “snuck out” but if they decide otherwise – it is likely teen will be labeled a flight risk and it is likely that they will remove her. She will find herself in a shelter unable to see anyone…I had a teen who would run away often. There were a few times they made her go to a shelter or another home and would not allow her back with me…ultimately however, she did age out of my home.

From a Kinship Guardian – I feel like letting a trusted teen go out does falls within reasonable and prudent care (especially if you’re told a destination. Even one that turns out to be inaccurate) , but if it comes up that you probably knew the forbidden family was being visited against case rules, you run the risk of losing your license. It’s up to you to decide if that risk is worth it. Your heart is absolutely in the right place.

From an Adoptee – Even the child knows she should follow the rules. You need to follow the rules. Be a good example. We may not always like the rules but we will hate the consequences of not following them a whole lot more.

From a Foster Parent – Being a foster parent sucks. So many rules and hardly ever in the best interest of the kids. She mentions LINK>Life360. which I had never heard of. Life360 offers advanced driving, digital, and location safety features and location sharing for the entire family.

Another one recommends – I would not stretch the confines of the foster care plan. Stick to the rules. If she wants to go home – her best chance of getting there is by sticking to the rules.

Another Foster Parent writes – Do not violate court order. She will be removed and you will lose your license. Continue to advocate with her caseworker and GAL. Know that she will probably try to go around the restrictions. As long as you are not actively encouraging or enabling it, then it is OK. We have had that happen before. We had teenagers use their phones to be in contact with people they are not supposed to be in contact with. They typically understand that this is what teenagers will do, but if they find out that you are facilitating and encouraging it, it’s all over. And the next foster home may not be as understanding as you are. What we have done is supervised visits where we could see, but not hear them. Depending on the level of supervision required. Then we are able to advocate strongly that visits can move to unsupervised because of how well they are going. We’ve been able to get visits, moved to unsupervised within a visit or two.

An Adoptive Parents asks a question that was on my own mind – how old the teen is in this situation ? Are you trying to run out the clock for a 17 year old or is she 13, with many critical years ahead ? Also is there a reunification plan in place ? Because never mind your own license, you are aiding and abetting something that undermines the actual reunification of the child with her family. You could be ruining the family’s chances to reunite ! Your heart is in the right place but you have to play by their rules and learn to play the game to speed up reunification. And that’s what I would be telling your foster child too. Learn to play the game, voice the frustration with the system, find ways to take back control where you/she can within the confines of the limitations they’ve imposed, find ways to help the family reunite and focus your frustrations and energy there, rather than trying to sneak around it.

From a Foster Parent – Contact the teen’s GAL and encourage them to advocate for family placement/more contact/etc. While it took a while, I’ve seen this work in the long run. That and continue to encourage visitations with family and then report back to everyone (CPS, foster care, GAL, etc) how well things are going and your thoughts on reunification. You can help the teen to advocate for themselves as well. Depending on their age, they could maybe write a letter to the judge or even speak for themselves in court.

Another Adoptee writes – Honestly this is where you ask her, if she would like to help fight the broken system with you by her side. This type of case (poverty, racism) should be investigated further and should be fought head on, to make changes, instead of sneaking around the system.

A Foster Parent writes – In the system, life is a long hard road. You need to model pushing back against injustices, without breaking the law. The foster care to prison pipeline is hard to avoid – the last thing she needs is a shove. Push reunification and push unsupervised visits, but also chill.

Lastly from one more Foster Parent – Great foster parents, in my opinion, bend rules – but don’t break them. They also advocate/ask hard questions and push people like the caseworker and GAL or CASA to be able to defend why the rules are currently what they are. For instance, maybe supervision is required. Zoom has an option to record, so we just sent the link to the caseworker for documentation, though I doubt they ever opened it. It was still far from ideal, but it allowed a bond to continue and allowed us to show consistent appropriate contact which, I believe, allowed boundaries to be moved more quickly. Try to think out of the box with the rules given to you. Can she have contact with the person who is allowed absolutely no contact, if it’s in a therapeutic setting ? Are you willing to provide transportation ? Those types of things. It is still your legal obligation to follow the rules and keep your teen safe. I certainly wouldn’t risk your license to do so, or risk adding the additional trauma of a move, or a possible change of placement further from friends and family, etc.

National Coalition for Child Protection Reform

I ended up here because of the mention of CASA – Court Appointed Special Advocates. I wondered if there was anything of concern about what they do and found this organization – the National Coalition for Child Protection Reform (NCCPR). My illustration came from their blog and I also read this – “the Tampa Bay Times has discovered that maybe all those children don’t need to be in foster care after all!” in the blog from 2018 right below that Christmas themed graphic.

In fact, from so much that I have read, many children are often removed from their parents for no worse of a crime than living in poverty. The NCCPR is working to help America’s vulnerable children by changing public policy concerning child abuse, foster care, and family preservation. Truly this looks like an organization I could feel good about promoting.

The NCCPR advocates for systemic change. There are many links and a blog at their website. They note that a question they get all the time is “How can I help change the ‘child welfare’ system ?” Often people ask how they can help fix the system because of a personal experience. But every personal experience is different. NCCPR has 2 publications that outline specific ways to fix child welfare and model systems to emulate. Doing Child Welfare Right focuses largely on improving child welfare services and changing financial incentives. Civil Liberties Without Exception focuses on reforms to bolster due process for families. There are MORE suggestions here – How You Can Help Reform Child Welfare.

Thinking About Adopting ?

A woman writes in my all things adoption group –

I’m not sure anyone cares about validation but I guess the administrators can decide. I just wanted to say thank you. I joined the group like many do, I was interested in adoption and really just putting a toe in the water. I waited my read only period. I went through the “wtf are these people talking about, anyone who adopts is a Saint”. Then I went through the “uh oh, is everything I know about the world even right?” Then I went through trying to explain this to my husband which didn’t go well. I’m getting ready to leave the group. Adoption is completely off the table and I’ve set up time to volunteer at my local teen pregnancy center.

Being a human is a wild thing. Thanks for being vulnerable and doing emotional labor. You really are impacting the world.

Edited to Add: I’ll gladly stay! I hadn’t thought about it but would be happy to stay and help where I can.

She was not the only one, soon others were chiming in. The one below was NOT the only one to express similar sentiments. This is also why I write this blog because I can reach others not in such a group or with such aspirations but who are uninformed about adoption trauma.

I was a Former Hopeful Foster-Adoptive Parent because of white saviorism. This group opened my eyes on so many fronts – I honestly feel like I see the whole world differently. I’ve learned so much about racism, classism, and ableism. The adoptees and former foster youth who share their stories are the smartest wisest people I’ve had the privilege of listening to. I am immensely thankful you allow people not in the triad to be transformed by this group. I have completely changed my behavior in the real world. I will never again speak about adoption as anything other than trauma. I talk to my friends also interested in foster care about why the child welfare system needs to be abolished and rebuilt, not changed from the inside bullshit. I can’t believe at one time I was willing to provide my home to a child in need but not the resources to their family so they could stay together. I find that incredibly effed up now. I am working on my CASA training so I can help get kids back home and prevent unnecessary adoption from foster care.

The Rev Keith C Griffiths (deceased adoption scholar and activist) quote exploded my brain: “Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.”

And Paul Sunderland’s theory about developmental trauma caused by a newborn being separated from their birth mother. The trauma of not growing up with genetic mirrors, not knowing one’s medical history or having legally falsified identity documents. I had no idea about these things because I had never centered adoptees’ experiences in my perspectives. This group has truly transformed my outlook on the world !

Parentification

This was a new term for me and came out of one of the stories I read recently conveyed by a foster parent. Here’s the story –

I am currently fostering a 14 year old. They were removed because of trauma from a family member who is not their mom but who still lives with their mom. Mom refuses to ask this person to leave or to move into a different apartment, but is otherwise doing what is asked of her to work towards reunification. Today this kid told me they really want to be reunified, which makes perfect sense. I’m worried because this seems unlikely unless mom starts believing them and takes steps to cut their perpetrator out of her life. How do I support them? If you were in their shoes, what would you want from a foster caregiver? I’m also worried because many of the reasons this kid states for wanting to reunify are to care for their mom. It’s not my place to make the judgment calls, but it seems from the outside like a case of parentification. Add to this that I’ve heard this child talk about how much they wish they had been given the opportunity that their peers had to “just be a kid”.

So what is parentification ? Parentification is when the roles are reversed between a child and a parent, a toxic family dynamic that is rarely talked about and is even accepted as the norm in some cultures. However, research has found that it can have far-reaching negative psychological impacts. It is a functional and/or emotional role reversal in which the child sacrifices his or her own needs for attention, comfort, and guidance in order to accommodate and care for the logistical and emotional needs of a parent and/or sibling.

One response was this from experience – my parents put me in foster care briefly when I was suicidal from the pressure of being a “good kid” and experiencing their abuse. I wanted to go back to them to protect my brother. I feel for the teen. I would have this child in therapy now to begin processing those emotions of responsibility. I’m 24 and still struggle with guilt that my brother may have suffered when I was gone or what would have happened if I’d stayed gone. My mom would’ve likely lost her mind. She did – when I went to college. My best advice is therapy for the child while in your care, and perhaps talk to a therapist about how you could best talk to their mom about her removing that person in the home. My mom chose my dad over me often, so I feel for the teen.

Another one shared – Unfortunately this might be something that never fully goes away. I was like this, the eldest child who took care of the family from a very young age and getting rid of that guilt and the “needing to take care of them feeling” has been very very resistant to therapy. I think the best you can do is just try to be empathetic, don’t make them feel like they’re acting too old or whatever (mine did that and it really fucked with my head) just be kind and remind them they can relax and do things for themselves, even if they don’t listen.

This one touched my heart, because I am the oldest as well. I was not in an awful situation but I have always felt a sense of responsibility for my two sisters. Our parents died only 4 months apart (high school sweethearts married for over 50 years). From the first day I returned to my family after my mom died first, I found myself having to take over financial responsibility for my sisters that my mom had been financially providing, making me in effect “the mom”. Then, after our dad died too, I had to ask the court to appoint someone to assist my youngest sister with her finances. She is likely a paranoid schizophrenic with very weird ideas about the way money functions. The court agreed to appoint a conservator. My sister and I have struggled. What had been a really good relationship before was destroyed when our mom died. Our mom had a poor relationship with my sister for over a decade and my sister’s feelings about that transferred to me when my mom died and I had to take over the family finances.

Also this interesting perspective – I cared for a teen relative of mine last year similar situation. As soon as she could legally, she returned to mom and the abuser to care for her siblings again and her mom. This is what she had been taught was the only way to get attention, love etc from mom. The best way we found to help her was to enroll her in a group for teens about healthy relationships at our local Domestic Violence shelter. She also did therapy with someone she selected and equine psychotherapy which helped her with attachment a lot. While she was here, we focused on just reminding her of our unconditional love and building trust in our relationship. Even though she went back, it didn’t take long for all of that to help her see how to set boundaries with mom, identify unsafe situations with abuser and start to come out of some of the fog. It’s still complicated but she isn’t engrained and I see her setting more healthy boundaries. We (and her dad) are still safe people she can come too and does. It took about 6 months of us just watching from a distance and being supportive regardless. In your situation, maybe focus on staying neutral and asking for a CASA or Guardian ad Litem to help with the other side of the coin. Having a mentor also really helped my relative. It was someone closer to her age that she could confide in and she is still actively talking to that person now. Maybe your foster youth could use a mentor because they aren’t a therapist but can be a sounding board. Also a lifeline if the youth returns and ‘adults’ get cut off from that person. (I say adults because the mentors we have had are usually 25 or younger and parents don’t see them like they do a 40 year old caseworker).

What Gives Me The Right ?

This is a tricky issue that I have encountered here on this blog. What gives me the right to talk about issues related to adoption or foster care ? Am I an adoptee ? No. Have I spent time in foster care ? No. I do have a connection to adoption – Yes, I do. Both of my parents were adoptees and both of my sisters have given up a baby to adoption – but these are not the reasons I have become passionate about the subjects I write about in this blog. I am almost 67 yrs old and honestly, until about 3 years ago, I was in what is called “the fog,” not seeing anything to be concerned about when it comes to adoption. And I needed enlightenment and educating.

So I joined a group where the voices (thoughts) of adoptees and former foster youth are “privileged,” meaning given the most deference. However, in the group are adoptive parents, foster carers, hopeful adoptive parents and oddballs like me. And so, I have read and read and read there. I have bought books to inform me from the perspective of adoptees and former foster youth. And I get it and now I care about family preservation. I know that most parents actually DO want to raise their own children and those children want to be raised by their natural parents. Most of the time, children are removed from their parents over issues of poverty or solvable problems. Many an unwed woman who finds herself pregnant ends up convinced and coerced to surrender her baby – often to her lifelong regret. That happened to both of my natural grandmothers.

So the issue came up in my all things adoption group today. The woman identified herself as being a hopeful adoptive parent when she was younger. currently a teacher and someone who would like to become a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) when her own kids are a bit older. She admitted that she no other links to adoption. Her question was – Should I stay out of discussions of adoption ? Or should I share opinions that I’ve gained from listening to the members of this group ? When I see posts in other groups or have conversations in real life, I’d like to amplify the voices of adoptees and former foster youth, but I’m wondering if that’s not welcome. She noted in closing – Obviously, you can speak for yourselves on posts like these, but I know it is with emotional labor and at the risk of being gaslighted and all of that.

Someone who tried to speak up was told that she needed a reality check because some adoptees value life and don’t dwell in the past, and that the only trauma is for birth parents who are found years later and have privacy violated. And this is old misinformed thinking. It is the adoption agency line as to why adoptions should be closed and kept secret and it has been proven to be abundantly false by many adoptees who have had successful reunions with their natural parents. Yes, some of these fail or are awkward or come at an inopportune time in a mature adult’s life, especially if they are now married with children from that current spouse. It happens and it is painful and heartbreaking when it does but fear of rejection (which honestly happened to some degree when the child was given up and they know this) is no reason to prevent the effort.

One adoptee shared her own experience – Most first mothers want to be found. Mine was terrified of it but I think she’s glad I found her.

Another one encouraged the effort – Preach it…..pffffftttt on those who fuss ….. remind them that they can not speak for anyone but themselves. The truth will ruffle feathers. That’s ok. I personally don’t mind a dialog about differing view points….but many adoption focused groups don’t want that and delete/block a naysayer.

The one who originally posted the question shared – the adoptive parent I was communicating with felt comfortable speaking on behalf of the child’s birth mother. It bothered me. To which someone else noted – Remind her that it is okay to share her own story but NOT the child’s story! Then it is further revealed – She also brought up racism her daughter has experienced, so it’s a trans-racial adoption on top of everything. And clear that they are living in a very white neighborhood.

And so, in this particular case, it had become clear that the adoptive mother is wrapped up in some heavy adoption issues. Someone like that becomes so enmeshed, their only recourse is to carry on with adoption speak and in favor of what they created…..a big case of, pretend. That last word is an adoptee’s perspective on what adoption is – someone who pretends to be the parent who birthed you or that they have somehow saved you from a fate worse than death – called saviorism when it is trans-racial adoption.

So, this is partly why I write this blog. To spread some light in the darkness that has been adoption practice for decades as well as share my own personal stories, illustrating one or the other with one or the other. Yes, it has become a cause (family preservation) that I am admittedly passionate about.