Tag: Competing Interests

Competition and/or Comparison

It is inevitable for an adoptee to feel some tension or conflict regarding their reunion with biological family and a perceived threat by adoptive family to the relationship they have long possessed with that adoptee. These are difficult waters to navigate.

Some good advice I read today suggested –

Try to disentangle yourself and the decisions you make from any/all of your parents. You have every right to have a relationship with anyone – if you are blood-related to them or not. You also have the right to step away from any relationship. I encourage you to go for it. Enjoy getting to know your father and sisters. This will not take away from your relationship with your adoptive parents or your mother.

Think of it this way: When you married, did your adoptive parents throw a fit? Were they shocked that you were (possibly) changing your surname? Did they demand that you not have a relationship with your husband’s parents? If you have children, did they declare that only THEY were the grandparents, the *real* grandparents, and these others were imposters? The same could be said about birth parents. That they are not “real.” Where everything is a competition and/or comparison. Thing is, you don’t have to play. All four of these people are your parents one way or another. That was the hand you were dealt. You deserve to develop a relationship with any person you choose, including DNA relatives. The feelings may ebb and flow with time and circumstances and that’s okay, too.

The person this was suggested to answered – it’s funny cuz my adoptive mom was upset when I changed my maiden name and she is jealous of the relationship I have with my mother-in-law too! But she’s better at hiding it these days. There just isn’t pleasing her and there never has been. I have decided not to tell her or my adoptive dad, at least not for a long time until I’ve sorted through all this myself.

What started this is – she has found her biological dad. He didn’t have a clue she existed. So far he has been nothing but kind and welcoming. She has also discovered that she has two baby half-sisters. She is nervous because when she was 18, she was finally allowed information about her adoption. Only her birth mother’s name was available, and she quickly found her on Facebook. She adoptive mother expressed feelings of betrayal. She felt the adoptee was replacing her. Eventually, she did allow the adoptee to have her biological mother attend her wedding. Then, her biological mom basically ghosted her and now she very rarely hears from her after years of what she thought was a great friendship. Her biological aunt, with whom she is close, tells her this is just normal behavior for her biological mom – she cuts people off and prefers to be alone. Ok, fine. After years of counselling and medication, the woman has gotten over this (for the most part). She is simply terrified it’s going to happen all over again with her biological dad. 

Marginalizing Adoptee Voices

This meme by a PRO-adoption group is meant to diminish the reality of adoptees by suggesting their lives could have been worse.  Maybe their lives could have been worse but that does not mean they have to be grateful for what they lost.

This is an apples to oranges comparison –  like saying the kid with the broken legs at the hospital can’t complain because the kid next door has cancer.  We can be grateful things aren’t worse for us but that does not mean we are grateful for the wounds we suffer either.

Its not a competition. They are two separate, traumatic situations. Comparing unlike situations does not serve either of them.

The person who originally posted this meme is an adoptive parent who is attempting to co-opt the adoptee experience by starting a propaganda campaign in support of adoption.  You would NOT believe how MANY adoption related groups are listed at Facebook.  This group Adoption & Samfund Ungdom is Danish (I am 25%).

Here is a blurb in English from their page –

“Finally a Facebook page on adoptees who are glad they are adopted. I am thankful to God for all the good things I have in my life, including simple things like food, clothes, shelter and good health and I teach my adoptive children to be thankful to God (NOT thankful to me) for these too. I am happy there are many adoptees who are quite normal unlike the crazy businessman Arun Dohle who makes huge money out of adoptees.”

I would wish to note here that Arun Dohle was adopted by a German couple from an Indian orphanage.  Like many adoptees, he started to search for his roots in his late teens. The Indian orphanage did not want to provide access to his file. Arun addressed his issue through the Indian Courts.  It took him 17 years to finally obtain access to the desired information.  It should NOT have to be so hard.

My own mom tried to get her adoption file from the state of Tennessee and was rejected in the early 1990s.  I finally received her full file in 2017 after her death (not that she had to die to get this – she was never informed that the law in Tennessee was changed in the late 1990s that would have allowed her to receive it – more the tragedy really).

I simply want to make this clear.  An adoptee can be grateful for their blessings and still have deep traumatic wounds from the realities of their adoption.  I seriously have a problem with making adoption about God, even though I have a deep spirituality that connects me to my own creator.