Reasons To Be Thankful

Looking at the demands on my time for the week, this may be my last opportunity to write a blog for this space until next week.

In thinking about what I could write and the upcoming holiday, which is much on a lot of people’s minds, including my own – I thought I would list a few from the years I have been writing this blog.

Be thankful if your biological, genetic family is intact. No disruptions, no family separations, no taking of children away or fleeing domestic violence. You may even be in a minority number, if you can claim all of that.

If you were the recipient of adoptive parents, be thankful if yours have been kind, attentive and generous with you. I’ve read enough horror stories to know that is NOT how it always turns out.

Be thankful if you actually know where your genetic, biological ancestors came from. I was over 60 years old before I knew this about mine – or for that matter, even who “mine” were.

Be thankful if you knew your family medical history and what your vulnerabilities are. I still don’t know mine 100% but until I was over 60 years old, I could only say – we don’t know, both of my parents were adoptees.

Be thankful if your parents were actually “there” for you, if you got in trouble – found yourself pregnant out of marriage often with uncertainty about who the actual father of your child was.

Be thankful if you were able to get an abortion, during the decades it was legal. You often don’t know how much access to that might matter, until you need such services. Exceptions mean nothing to a doctor who fears doing one under such allowances might still jeopardize his future.

Be thankful if you have adequate shelter and running water – I have experienced a lack of both in my lifetime.

I know, that if I continue to ponder this, I could come up with at least a few more. Not all but most of the above are based directly on my personal knowledge, related to my own or a genetic, biological family member’s experience.

You could try creating your own list – whether you are an adoptee, a first/natural parent who was unable to raise their genetic, biological child for whatever reason, or an adoptive parent. It is said we should always count our blessings.

Celebrating A Life

Teri Garr with adopted daughter, Molly O’Neill

Teri Garr passed away on Tuesday, Oct. 29th. The singer died after a battle with multiple sclerosis. Teri had one child, her adopted daughter, Molly O’Neill. The actor adopted her daughter on Nov. 11, 1993, during her marriage to contractor John O’Neill. His marriage to Teri Garr took place on the same day their daughter Molly was born. Teri and John were married for three years and divorced in 1996. They split custody of Molly. John credited their then-8-year-old daughter for being a light for her mom while she was facing her diagnoses.

“If ever Teri feels down, Molly is there to lift her spirits,” John told an interviewer. “Molly is the most wonderful child in the world.” John added that Teri was fully present in their daughter’s life and, despite her own challenges, ensured her daughter felt loved and seen by both parents. “Molly is gold — she means the world to us. We are the luckiest two people in the world to have this child. The only thing that is important is raising our daughter.”

Like her mother, Molly is private and has no public social media. However, she attended several multiple sclerosis benefits with her mom as a child in the early 2000s. According to Variety, Molly has a son named Tyryn, who is also mourning the loss of his grandmother.

The Regret Never Ends

Sharing the feelings of one birth mother today –

I dropped my son I parent off at school yesterday, and switched to my playlist for the drive home, on shuffle, as per usual, cause I like to not know what’s coming on next, and My Little Love by Adele came on as I pulled into my driveway. This song typically makes me cry, so not unusual that I started to, especially with this weekend upon us and how many feelings come with Mother’s Day, as a 2x mother of relinquishment, who has had two miscarriage and is now a parent to one, and with the fact that “Birth Mother’s Day” is giving me full ick this year, the cry turned into a bawl.

https://youtu.be/3AnrLJDAOZU

And I found myself yelling in my car that she didn’t deserve what I gave her.

I’m so…I don’t even know, sad mad? Angry and heartbroken? Over twenty years ago I gave her two pieces of myself and they celebrate her this weekend, typically relegating me to today, the day before, and I’ve come to realize, she didn’t deserve any of it, she didn’t deserve to raise my babes, and it makes my whole body hurt and my heart ache to have not realized these things until my kids were adults and I can’t do a damn thing about it.

This is the first Mother’s Day weekend since I cut their adoptive mom out of my life last year and I feel like I’m in mourning extra this year, as now that I’ve experienced life without her the last seven months, I’m realizing I gave way more than she ever did, she got way more out of our “relationship” than I did, and, in the end, she still made me feel like I owed her more, and that’s who my kids celebrate as their mom, in my place, and I hate it so much. Can we just skip this weekend all together?

Looking For Context

Today’s complicated situation –

12 years ago my brother got married and had a baby very young. About two years into the marriage his wife wanted to separate, so they were co-parenting. She then decided she wanted full custody and made a laundry list of allegations against my brother in order to obtain that, but ultimately was not successful. When that failed, she told him he was not the father— which turned out to be true. At this point my brother had raised this child for 3 years and loved being a father and was absolutely devastated. A series of events led to him making the decision to step aside and sign away his parental rights so that the mother, real father, and baby could be a family. It shattered him and he processed it like a death of a child.

9 years have past since he stepped away. Since then the biological father has completely disappeared and she has been remarried 4 separate times. She has been placed in an involuntary psych hold on 2 separate occasions and has some serious mental health struggles.

Fast forward to this month. Everyone in my family, including myself and my husband, have received letters from Texas Child Protective Services (where the mother lives— all of us are in New York) looking for family of this child and saying there is an open case. We responded saying that we know of the child in question and are awaiting more information.

My questions are: Does this letter mean the child is in CPS (Child Protective Services) custody/the system ? What happens here, since we are not actually blood related to this child ? Does this mean the mother has been deemed unfit in some way ? Or that other family has been unresponsive to this search for connections to this child ?

The grandparents on the mother’s side are incredibly abusive, and her sibling is in jail for shooting a gun at someone in a park. It seems the biological father’s family wants no part of this child’s life. I have no idea what any of us in my family would do from here— my brother is married and now has a 4 month old— and no one in my family is in a great place to take in a child, nor am I sure that would be the right thing to do ? But we are all very concerned— we loved this child deeply and were heartbroken when all of this took place. I know at this point she is a traumatized pre-teen who has probably been through hell and back. I guess I’m just wondering what the right thing to do in this situation is, and looking for context for what this CPS letter means in terms of the child’s welfare.

One knowledge response was – They are clearly looking for Fictive Kin. Please try to discover more and if / how your family (especially your brother) can get involved for the youth’s sake.

Similarly – They are looking for fictive kin. This can be anyone who has had any connection with the child (neighbors, parent’s co-workers, religious community, teachers, etc.). It’s heartening to know that CPS has actually contacted you all. The best way to get a better picture of what’s going on to with the child is to respond to the CPS letter. You’ll most likely be placed in contact with a social worker who’s been working on the case. I have a list of questions you can ask (see below). Hoping for the best for the child, her natural mother, and your brother.

Here is a list of questions for a situation such as this –

Reason for Placement:

Can you tell me a bit about what led to the child being placed in foster care ? Just trying to understand their backstory a bit.

How’s the child handling the transition into foster care ? Any particular challenges they’re facing ?

Legal Proceedings/Termination of Parental Rights:

Has there been any progress or updates regarding legal proceedings or the possibility of terminating parental rights ?

How’s the child navigating through any legal stuff ? Are they aware of what’s happening, and how are they coping with it ?

Child’s Development:

What’s the current living situation like for the child ? How are they adjusting to it ?

Can you tell me a bit about the child’s personality and interests ? Just trying to understand what makes them tick.

How’s the child doing in school ? Are there any particular subjects or activities they excel in ?

Do they have any hobbies or talents that they’re passionate about ? Just curious about what brings them joy.

Family Dynamics/Relationships:

How often does the child get to see or communicate with their biological family ? And how are those interactions going ?

How do they get along with their foster family and peers ? Any budding friendships or challenges they’re facing ?

Support and Services:

What kind of support services are available to the child and their foster family ?

Are there any particular cultural or religious considerations we should keep in mind while caring for the child ?

Future Plans/Goals:

What are the long-term goals or plans for the child’s placement ? Any steps you’re taking to work towards those goals ?

How can we, as their foster family, best support them in their growth and development ?

Health and Well-being:

Are there any health concerns or medical needs we should be aware of ? How are you addressing those ?

How does the child express their feelings or emotions ? And how can we help them develop healthy coping skills ?

Saved From Foster Care

Evgeny Anisimov with Misha

We have discovered in my all things adoption group the strong love some fathers have for their children. More than once, that group has provided financial assistance and emotional support to fathers who’s children were given away by the mother without the father’s consent. This story is heartwarming and special for me, the boy’s name is the same as my daughter’s. We did know the name had Russian roots. Her dad chose it and gave it to the hospital authorities before I knew he was going to name her that (we had thought we were having a son and so a female name had never come up). My daughter was born in El Paso Texas which is on the border with Mexico and in the Spanish language, female names end with an “a”, so it worked and I love that it is her name.

Back to the story, provided by LINK>My Positive Outlooks, Mom wanted to give up baby with Down syndrome to Foster care, so dad decided to raise him all on his own. “My determination, activity, curiosity, and so on—everything was with me. Everything happened as I planned, my son was born. But the child is special, his life and future destiny are already very significant,” Evgeny said in an interview. He realized the child was his responsibility and that he should be up to the task of taking care of him, no matter how difficult that may be. His wife however wanted to surrender their son to foster care.

While every task is simple, the single dad admits doing it every day is difficult. Luckily for him, his mother helps him, so he can have time for himself. “I understand that the future might bring more issues, but I hope that we will be able to overcome everything,” he said. He also hopes to support and inspire by his example those people who are or will be in the same situation as him.

Bangladesh Sisters Reunite

Kana Verheul, center, with her niece, right, and her long-lost sister Taslima, left.

Excerpts from a story in The Guardian – LINK>The stranger across from me was my sister: how one adoptee uncovered a tragic past.

After decades of trying in vain to find her siblings, Verheul joined forces with other people in her situation to set up an organization called the Shapla Community, creating a network of hundreds of Bangladesh adoptees raised in the Netherlands. If she could not find her own family, she could at least help others find theirs.

Verheul was among those from Shapla who spent hours interviewing Bangladeshis with extraordinary stories about their children, many of whom claim they were taken for adoption abroad without their consent. It was one of these interviews that led her to the cafe meeting with a woman from the area where she was born. Verheul tried to see if there was any family resemblance with the woman, but could not see any. “Some details matched but some did not,” she says. “Her sister was called Nasima. I truly believed that Kana was my real Bangladeshi name because it was in my birth papers. I couldn’t comprehend that I may be Nasima. Then I asked them the name of the village I have in my Bangladeshi passport, and she said, ‘Yes, that’s where we lived before.’”

Verheul was still not convinced, so she asked if there were any birthmarks. “The woman said her mother would often tell bedtime stories about the sister who was lost, that they both had the same birthmark on their leg. This was a shock because I have one on my knee.” In disbelief, the women headed to the toilets and revealed their almost identical birthmarks. They hugged and cried, and soon afterwards, Verheul says, “I finally saw the resemblances between us – in her hands, her mannerisms. I have really funny feet, and she has the same funny feet,” she laughs. “It felt undeniable, but I couldn’t accept it fully until the result of the DNA test came in.”

Verheul returned to the Netherlands and anxiously awaited the results. Two weeks after they met, a DNA test confirmed they were sisters. “I remember like it was yesterday. I was driving on the highway when the doctor called. I could finally accept that this was my sister. Immediately I got a huge headache. I had to stop next to the road. I started crying. From all over, from my ears, from my toes, from deep inside me. I cried for an hour.”

Amid the joy of finding the woman she had spent decades trying to find, her sister, Taslima, was able to explain to Verheul how she came to be adopted abroad as a baby. The story she shared horrified Verheul, but it also confirmed suspicions that she had had for years. Verheul, a mother of two, clearly adores her “wish parents”, the term she uses to describe couples who adopt. Taslima told Verheul their mother had never intended to give her away. She explained that her father had three wives, and one of them had convinced him to take Nasima to a daycare home nearby when her mother was away because she had become ill and needed medical care. When Verheul’s mother came back and discovered what had happened, it was too late. Nasima had already gone from the children’s home. She had been adopted by a couple in the Netherlands who believed she was an orphan. “My mother divorced my father because of this,” says Verheul. “My father passed away in 2012, my mother in 2014,” she says. “But they were still alive when I was searching for my family in Tongi. At one point, I had even stood on the doorstep of my father’s home. That still hurts.”

In 2017, Shapla was officially founded, to help adoptees find their relatives in Bangladesh. The organization began recruiting fieldworkers in both countries – volunteers who would interview relatives, collect data and identify leads that could eventually result in a reunion. They set up a DNA database and started to collate everyone’s adoption documents. “That’s when we saw certain patterns – the adoption storylines were all the same. The mother had died of poor health, father died in an accident, and grandmother or aunt brought the baby to a home.” Some information was identical, says Verheul, like “a copy-and-paste job”. The group believes that instead of international adoption, the focus should be on supporting vulnerable families, strengthening youth care systems, and improving quality of care in countries of origin so children can be cared for in familiar surroundings. Their argument is in line with the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which recognizes the right of children to grow up in their own culture, befitting their own identity.

“As an adoptee you often hear, ‘You’re lucky, now you have a good life.’ But you cannot really compare the two,” says Kana. “In one sense I feel lucky that I have the best of both worlds. But nothing makes up for the loss you had to endure. Because I lost my family and my real identity.” She recently bought a plot of land in the village named in her passport. “I want to build a house there, for my sister to live in if she wishes. I would like to spend time there too.”

Multiple Names Are Common

An adoptee writes – My adoption went through when I was almost 6 years old in 1969. I was born in 1964 (Just hit 60.). Has anyone else had multiple names?? I was born “Jacqueline Karen”. When I was relinquished at 2 days old, the social worker changed my name to “Lucy Allen”. She said that was common practice in those days to “Hide” the baby from the birth mother in case she came looking! At 5 months, I was placed with a potentially adoptive family who named me “Linda Jeanette”. They returned me to foster care just before I turned 4 and the foster family started calling me “Lindy”. This is the name I remember the most. About 6 months later I was as placed with the family that did adopt me and they changed my name to “Elizabeth Dianna”. For years, my adoptive mom told me my middle name was “Dianna” until one day, I was looking at my birth certificate and saw that she had actually named me “Elizabeth Dianne”! Clearly, it wasn’t about what I needed!! It was about what my foster parents and adoptive parents wanted! Who changes a child’s name this many times and why did the state allow it?? Ridiculous!! And then my adoptive mom couldn’t even remember my middle name! It definitely gave me some identity issues! I’m married to a Veterinarian (who is a great man-nothing against him), but I get introduced as “The Vet’s wife” all the time!! It gets under my skin!! Anyone else have their name changed this often??

Blogger’s note – Surnames in the story above removed to protect the poster’s identity. I read recently in LINK>The Guardian that “A new documentary aims to add depth to the story of the singer-songwriter (June Carter Cash) who was often just referred to as the wife of Johnny Cash.”

I (the blogger) replied to the woman above with my own family history – My adoptee dad had his name changed when he was 8 years old. His adoptive mother had divorced the man she was married to, when she adopted my dad at 8 months old from the Salvation Army. He was named Thomas (after the adoptive father) Patrick Swearingen, when they first altered his original birth certificate and a new one was issued. She re-married and changed my dad’s name to Gale Patrick Hart (each time after his adoption, his first name was also the adoptive “father’s” name). When that second “father” died (the adoptive mother died first), my dad found his adoption papers. His original name was Arthur Martin Hempstead – after his birth father, Rasmus Martin Hansen (an immigrant not yet a citizen, who was a married man who never knew his affair resulted in the conception of my dad). Hempstead was his unwed mother’s surname.

As an aside, because my mom was also an adoptee, when my dad wanted to tease her, he would call her by her birth name – Frances Irene.

It Could Happen To You

When I imagine my dad’s genetic biological mother, I think of her having an actual relationship with the man who, it is certain now, was his father. She did have a head shot photo of him and wrote his name and the word “boyfriend” on the back. She placed the image in her photo album next to a photo of her holding my dad. That actually did eventually reveal for me who my dad’s genetic biological father was. My DNA and his geographical proximity at the time proved it and none of his other genetic biological relatives were in the area. It does not appear that my Danish immigrant grandfather ever knew he was a father. Self-reliant woman that she was, she simply handled it by going to a Salvation Army home for unwed mothers in Ocean Beach California. Some month later, the Salvation Army hired her and transported my grandmother and baby dad to El Paso Texas. I don’t think she really wanted to give him up for adoption but I think she was strongly coerced just to do it. He was already 8 months old when his first adoption was finalized (he actually was adopted a second time and his name changed again, after his adoptive mother divorced the abusive alcoholic husband and remarried, a marriage that lasted until she died).

This morning, I have read two stories about one night stands that actually resulted in pregnancies. That got me to wondering . . . , other than my grandmother’s clear feelings that my dad’s married father was her “boyfriend”, I really can’t know all the details. Be careful out there having casual sex because it could happen to you if you are not careful.

One from LINK>Quora – I had a one night stand and she’s pregnant and wants to keep the baby. I have no desire to be with this woman. Does this mean I’ll have to pay child support?

The answer from a Relationship Counsellor – Yes, you are responsible for that child if it is yours. A paternity test is certainly highly recommended. You are under no obligation at all to enter into a relationship with the mother (actually, that would be a spectacularly bad idea!!) but you do have an obligation towards the human you created, who had no say in the matter.

You can draw the line at providing financial support only, but do think carefully about whether this is the kind of person you want to be. What will future partners think of you if you explain that you have a child that you pay child support for, but that you don’t have anything to do with because you don’t want it? If you have kids later in life what will they think of you when they find out they have a half sibling that their dad just abandoned? More importantly – What will you think of yourself? I understand that it is a horrible situation to find yourself in, but try to accept the reality of it as soon as possible and decide what kind of a man you want to be – then live like that man.

Going for mediation with the mother is a very good way to figure out a way forward, and how to co-parent, in a way that both of you can live with. Becoming a dad may not have been on your to-do list for the immediate future, but it doesn’t have to turn out badly. The one way to ensure you achieve the best outcome from this is to make sure that you have the most amicable relationship possible with the mother – this should actually be easier for you than for most divorced couples who have a lot of hurt and baggage.

If the mother is keeping the baby simply because she is against abortion, and not because she really wants to have a child or is in a position to raise one, try to talk to her about adoption. This would certainly be in the best interests of the child, and could give that child a loving home with parents whose biggest dream would be fulfilled by the child’s existence, instead of their worst nightmare. (blogger’s note – that advice is where I part company with this relationship counselor’s advice but it would be very common to receive that advice.)

If you don’t want to have children, please consider going for a vasectomy. This is the only option men have for taking control of whether they become dads or not, aside from never having vaginal intercourse. If you might want to have kids later, make sure to always use a condom, and talk to your sexual partners about their views on abortion and what they would expect should your liaison result in pregnancy. Too often men just leave it all up to the woman, assume that she is on birth control, assume that she will have an abortion if she falls pregnant, then they are horrified when they realize that they missed their ONE AND ONLY opportunity to influence whether they become parents through simple carelessness.

I do wish you the best of luck going forward. Sometimes a stupid mistake costs far more than it should, but such is life – I hope you can make the best of it.

I read another similar story in LINK>Slate – I Just Told My One-Night Stand I’m Pregnant. Then I Heard From His Wife. Apparently, I’m “baby-trapping.” (blogger’s note – I had never heard this term “baby-trapping” before.) A few months ago, I matched with a man on Tinder, “John,” who was in town on a work trip for a few days. We met for drinks, ended up sleeping together (with protection), and agreed that this wasn’t more than a one-time hookup. However, the condom must have failed because I very unexpectedly discovered I was pregnant.

She had several heartbreaking miscarriages and failed rounds of IVF and those experiences pushed her marriage to the breaking point and divorce. She was already at 14 weeks, twice as far as I had gotten when I’d miscarried in the past, and that the fetus was healthy. So, she is not unhappy this has finally happened for her. She writes – I decided to keep the baby. I have a house in an area with great schools, make more than enough to support a child, and will receive generous maternity leave. I already love my baby so much, and still can’t believe that this actually is happening.

Because she believed the man deserved to know, she tried to inform him but got an angry response from his wife. So, she replied to the wife – I truly did not know he was married and have no interest in keeping in touch after what was supposed to be a night of casual sex. I told her that this was a complete surprise to me, but that she needed to talk to her husband because he had gotten me pregnant, and while I was fine with him not being in the picture, he deserved to know. Her only response was to curse me out, accuse me of baby-trapping, and say that she wouldn’t be spending her money on my “bastard.” When I showed this conversation thread to my friends, they advised me to stop there and keep my baby away “from a cheater and a victim-blamer.”

Anonymous Sperm Donation

On Dec 3 2023, Emily Bazelon published an article in the NY Times – LINK>Why Anonymous Sperm Donation Is Over, and Why That Matters. She notes that while activists are trying to end secrecy for sperm and egg donors — it is a campaign that troubles some LGBTQ families.

The article begins with this story (and blogger’s note – I’ve read quite a few others with similar trajectories) –

A few years ago, when he was in his early 30s, Tyler Levy Sniff took a home DNA test he received as a gift. The results revealed a staggering truth: His father wasn’t biologically related to him. Levy Sniff confronted his parents, who explained that after years of trying and failing to have a baby, they turned to a sperm donor. Following the standard advice at the time, they decided not to tell him for fear of driving a wedge into their family.

Levy Sniff felt as if he’d found a key to his identity that he was looking for. “It made sense of why I felt different from my family,” he said recently. He wanted more information about the person he called his “bio father” to understand his genetic heritage. “It was so important to me to know my bio father’s life story, his personality and talents and struggles,” Levy Sniff says.

But by the time he found his donor, through relatives on two genealogy websites, the man had died — another revelation that shattered him, he says. To Levy Sniff, the value of knowing where you come from is self-evident. “A lot of influence comes from your biology,” he says.

Recent findings in behavioral science show the role of genetics in shaping certain individual characteristics. Questionnaires from doctors routinely ask for generations of family medical history. And learning about your genetic ancestry can be emotionally powerful — one reason millions of people buy inexpensive at-home DNA tests and sign up for genealogy websites.

Blogger’s note – in my own roots discovery journey, both Ancestry and 23 and Me, contributed invaluable assistance in my finding my own genetic, biological heritage and connecting with people that I am thus related to, though for over 60 years, neither they nor my self knew of one another. Adoption (both of my parents were adopted) robs us of important knowledge.

Lesbian couples and single parents make up 70 percent of the people who now use sperm donors, according to a 2022 study of an assisted-reproduction clinic. Some of these families fear that disclosure laws will open the door to recognizing biological donors in some way as parents — possibly granting them parental rights and more broadly undermining the legitimacy of LGBTQ families.

In sperm and egg donation, secrecy was the old-school choice — the one that seemed easier to many heterosexual couples as they raised their children. But now it’s nontraditional families who are most nervous about ending the practice of anonymous donation. It’s one thing for parents to choose transparency, but it’s quite another for the state to mandate it — enshrining into law, some fear, the notion that genetics are an essential part of being a family. In many states, if you are part of a couple raising a child, and you never marry or you get a divorce, and your partner wants to sever the connection, you can be deemed a legal stranger to a child you helped raise but with whom you don’t share a genetic tie.

Blogger’s note – Being honest about how one’s children were conceived tends to strengthen parent-child relationships. My family chose that strategy. My husband, our egg donor, and my sons all did 23 and Me DNA testing. That site allows for private communications (should my sons want that) with a donor they have had only minimal physical contact with in the past (several times we have had the opportunity to get together with her and at least one of her children). Thanks to Facebook, I have been able to show my sons photos of the donor and her genetic, biological children over the years – so that they have some sense of these other relationships that may someday be important to them (or not). They seem well adjusted to the reality.

NOT QUITE NARWHAL

I saw this book recommended to an adoptive parent. Then, I found a review at Red Thread Broken by Grace Newton (aka Grace Ping Hua). She is one of the 80,000 adoptees from China who currently live in the United States. She was born in Nanjing, Jiangsu Province, China. When she was two years old, she was abandoned and taken to the Nanjing Social Welfare Institute, where she stayed for a year. At three years of age, she was adopted and has lived in the United States ever since. She notes – “I have had the good fortune to go back to China twice and plan on returning in the near future.”

I have somewhat of a thing, but not an obsession, for unicorns. And the idea of this reminds me of Sandy in SpongeBob (she is a squirrel living in a air filled dome under the sea). From Grace’s review – “From the first page to the last, the illustrations in this book are darling. This book captures big and complicated emotions in very few words at an easy to grasp introductory level. Kelp knows he’s different from the other narwhals, and the author allows him to embrace feeling different without feeling ostracized.” Later she adds, “for adopted children the message is clear that it is okay and wonderful to hold love for both families.” blogger’s note – since learning about my original genetic grandparents and coming in contact with some of my genetic relations, an aunt and some cousins, that has proven a bigger struggle for me than I expected but I think I have finally arrived at that conclusion.

There are also some criticisms but she concludes with – “Though there are a couple of faults, the benefits greatly outweigh these and merit giving this book a read.” One criticism is that the author erased the parents from the book, but Grace believes that was an unintentional error given how carefully and clearly Sima emphasizes the importance of both worlds for Kelp. There is a lack of explanation regarding Kelp’s identity as a unicorn. And I definitely know this from acquaintances – many adoptees don’t find out until later in life that they are adopted.

Grace also notes that “the author of the book has left it open enough that Kelp can relate to any child living with loss and longing for love from both first and adoptive families, for a child navigating two households due to divorce, a child moving to a different school who wishes to keep old friends and make new ones, and many other situations of feeling torn.”