Gender Disappointment as a Cause for Adoption

I read about a mom who has gender disappointment and so wants to give her baby up for adoption. She doesn’t agree with having an abortion but is ok with choosing adoption because she didn’t want a girl baby.

There’s a huge difference between “oh man, I really wanted a girl/boy!!” vs “I don’t want this baby since it’s a girl, so I’m going to cause lifelong trauma in this child because I didn’t get my way.” Either way there will be major trauma.. staying with a mother who doesn’t want you or being given to a family who does but having adoption trauma.

Someone commented that there are thousands of families out there who would adopt this baby in a heartbeat. If the mother had chose abortion, she would just continue having kids. The commenter then asked, What if this happens again the next time she gets pregnant ?

I do agree – she needs the help of counseling before anything else can happen.

In my own family, I know that with my youngest sister, my parents were really hoping for a boy but got a third daughter. This sister now has serious mental problems, very likely a paranoid schizophrenic, but she also fought A LOT with our mom. I have to wonder if the disruption between them didn’t start in utero.

One woman shares this story – when my mom had my little sister, the mother that she shared a recovery room with asked if she had a boy or a girl. Upon hearing girl, she disappointedly said – if my mom had had a boy, she would ask to switch as she just had her 3rd girl.

Someone else noted – gender disappointment is so bad. Kids are more than their gender. Another noted – I see a lot of “well I want a girl for all the pretty dresses and rainbows and unicorns” but she might not even like those things. Or you might think you have a daughter until one day she tells you – he’s a boy. There’s no guarantee that they’ll be the gender you want, even if they’re born the “right” sex.

In my own family, we have also always tried to emphasize that we will accept and love our children no matter what, regarding gender identity and/or sexual preference.

Another wrote – I have twins, I wanted a b/g set and when I found out I was having 2 girls sure I was like “oh man I wanted a boy and a girl” but I wasn’t like super upset. Having gender disappointment is fine but it’s not a huge deal, not to mention gender doesn’t really mean anything anyways.

We actually have quite a few sets of twins in my mom’s group. Most are same gender twins but a couple were boy/girl twins. No one ever expressed any regret with the sex of the baby they birthed.

It has long been common in Asian cultures to prefer having sons. So comes this very sad story – she’s Korean and her parents are Caucasian. Very turbulent home life. On her 16th birthday, her parents said they don’t know when she was born, and she didn’t lose the tip of her finger from getting it slammed in a window at preschool, the story she had been told all her life. She was found in a dumpster/garbage can in Seoul. She was given an appropriate birthdate. She had gangrene in her finger/s, that was the one they couldn’t save.

And there is this sad story about why . . . I have suffered from gender disappointment. I honestly think my adoption has a lot to do with why I had gender disappointment. I have 4 boys and always wanted a girl. There are a lot of reasons why, one being trying to “right” the mother-daughter dynamics caused from adoption (I also had a pretty emotionally abusive adoptive mom). I also have always felt like an outsider in my family growing up, and I still feel like it even in the family I created.

My boys are daddy’s boys and have always loved following their dad around and doing the same things as him. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told, “Mom, you stay home. Just dad,” when my older boys were little. They have zero interest in anything that I’m interested in, so many times I’m stuck doing things alone. And yes, I already know girls can be the same way.

It’s not even about growing up dynamics, but more about adult. When children grow up, it’s seems to be more socially acceptable for daughters to be friends with their mothers than sons. You rarely see adult sons shopping, going to “girly” movies, or even vacations with their moms, yet these are pretty common with mothers and daughters. It is more acceptable for sons to hang out with their fathers when they’re older. Of course I hope my boys put their potential future families first because that’s healthy and what should be done, but knowing that I will be kept at a distance still makes me sad.

It’s just my abandonment issues talking.

One other woman writes – I can kind of relate to this. My adoptive dad didn’t really want kids, but would rather we were boys, if he had to have them at all. My adoptive mom found out she was pregnant with my sister when I was placed with them. Therefore, we are 9.5 months apart in age. My mom is very frilly and girly. She owned a dance studio, so we grew up doing dance and beauty pageants. Luckily, I liked those things. Anyway, we always heard people telling my dad how he was surrounded by girls and how he needed a boy…blah, blah, blah.

I also get this ALL. THE. TIME. “Are you going to try for a girl?” “Oh, you would have such a cute daughter.” “You NEED to have a girl! They are so fun!” It’s always so awkward…especially since my husband had a vasectomy after our 4th boy.

It Was Not The Easter Bunny

That baby was not brought in a basket by the Easter Bunny. Though I love this one . . .

“I think I’m the Easter Bunny.
I don’t know where the eggs come from,
and I have no idea why I feel a compulsion to hide them.”

Sadly, some adoptees are actually found in a dumpster. It can be hard to understand the world we live in. I believe in Reincarnation and so the Easter Story about Jesus represents an interesting twist. He died but didn’t have to go the usual route of being reborn a baby. However, birth and death are both necessary to human evolution and continuance. Death clears out life that is no longer viable. I (for one) am grateful there is a way out and that I won’t be stuck in a body that is more like a tortured living hell for eternity. I believe each generation of new human beings improves on the previous version.

The stork did not bring babies to a family’s home either. A common meme when I was a child in the 1960s. I heard the birth mother profiled in American Baby by Gabrielle Glaser – the latest in reveals related to adoption talk about “no sex education.” The birth mother says she didn’t know how babies were made. I think I remember my mom saying something similar – that her mother didn’t talk to her about sex. No wonder these women ended up pregnant in high school.

I came of age with early 70s Feminism. Heard a snippet last Sunday on NPR Witness History about Our Bodies, Our Selves. There wasn’t a transcript but I did find something about that extraordinary effort in the NPR archives. The book was the first comprehensive book on women’s issues ever published by women for women.

By middle school, I had boyfriends. And I had been given the nice girls don’t do that (have sex) until marriage talk by then. I’m certain my mom’s only intention was to save me from repeating her own experience. About that same time, I discovered that I was conceived out of wedlock. Clearly, the message had been delivered to me that woman had the sole responsibility of preventing an unwanted pregnancy because I was angry at my mom but not my dad and I think that is why.

Heck, while I may have had more of a birds and the bees talk than my mom had by high school, I didn’t even know how to find my own vagina to insert a tampon. I’m certain that my own young daughter may have questioned my sanity when I felt compelled to demonstrate for her where to find her own. She probably knew much more by then than I gave her credit for. I remember her once saying something about boys having been “dirty” for years by the time she was in middle school.

Happy Easter. Happy Spring Renewal. Happy life ever returning and reminders that it does.

What Happens When

A woman throws her baby away in a dumpster. That is what happened to the man above when he was only hours old. His mother was a drug addict. She said she couldn’t stand looking at him for whatever reason she felt that way.

When he was discovered, the police called child services who immediately put him into foster care. His foster parents took in more than 100 foster kids during their lives. He one, of only two, they ever adopted. They were nearing 70 when he came into their lives. Adopting a newborn baby wasn’t part of their plans. However, they didn’t want to leave him in the foster care system.

The poor little boy growing up in a small town where everyone knows everything was bullied in his public school days and called Dumpster Baby. He was 10 years old when his adoptive father told him his origins story. He thought: did somebody really throw me away? Am I trash or a person? It bothered him for a long time but he did overcome it. He had the love of an adoptive mother and father to assist him.

This is the kind of case where adoption makes sense to me. However, his life with these elderly adoptive parents wasn’t all roses and sunshine. His father wasn’t physically able to throw a football around, so he became fascinated with technology. He read encyclopedias cover to cover. He admits, “We grew up in an impoverished environment. We went to thrift stores; we went dumpster diving. In 1989, when I was eight, my father bought me a secondhand Macintosh, for $24 from a flea market. It didn’t work, so I opened it up and noticed some capacitors were burst. My father was a maintenance worker and had a soldering gun. I took parts from the clock radio to put in the computer. After about 50 attempts, I got it to work.”

This $24 gift and a father with some tools changed this man’s life. He goes on to say, “After that, computers were my escape. I was still being bullied and didn’t have any friends. That computer became my best friend. I was in an education program called Children Are Our Future; the director saw a gift in me and let me work in the computer lab. I’d replace hard drives and add RAM. She encouraged me to start my own business repairing computers.”

“At 12, I got my first job, working after school at the city hall as a computer technician. I helped develop an internet service protocol to tie all of the city agencies together. I pushed myself to the limit. I learned everything I could about Windows. By 14, I’d started writing code; after that, I remember sitting at a computer for two days in a row without even being hungry. I loved it.”

He is inventive and developed a tracking software for elderly people with dementia (because he had to do that find his adoptive father when he would wander off. He passed away in 2014). H also developed a meter to monitor glucose levels in diabetics via Bluetooth. Those are just 2 of over 80 custom software programs he has written. Today at 31 years old, he is the CEO of Figgers Communication. He also created the Figgers Foundation to help children in foster care all around the world. For example, this Christmas they’re buying 25,000 bicycles to give away.

He credits his adoptive parents for showing him compassion and the power of having good people around you.

Can We Just Pretend ?

What to do for this little boy ?

Ok here is my question – I adopted our kiddo when he was 4. He has always known he’s adopted, he’s always been excited and proud of it. He introduces himself as adopted. He has a long story but basically he came to us with the termination of parental rights and two failed adoptions. Lots of trauma and 17 placements.

He’s now almost 7 and in 1st grade. So here’s what’s up…all of a sudden he wants us to pretend he’s not adopted. To not talk about it and let him pretend he came from us. He wants us to make up a birth story. We don’t have biological kiddos, so it’s not like he’s hearing other birth stories here. The kids all vocalize adoption and biological families. His mother is deceased and his biological family hasn’t been open to any contact.

He’s super smart but isn’t able to articulate what created this idea. He just wants it. My question is how to approach this…do we give him this? Do we allow it for however long it lasts, while initially reminding him that he can always take it back? Or do we just apologize that his story is his and he doesn’t have to ever share it with anyone he doesn’t want to but that we can’t just pretend?

I’m at a loss. I want to do what’s right by him and honor his experience but I also don’t want to play along, if it’s harmful down the road. I feel like I will make the wrong decision no matter what I choose.

Someone offered this explanation that makes sense – We had a friend that didn’t want people knowing she was adopted. Said she hated when people would say “oh, she’s adopted”. She just wanted to be like her friends and be a part of the family. Maybe that’s how he is feeling.

Then there was this sad reality (kids really can be cruel) – When I was in high school I had someone make fun of me for being adopted and refer to me as a “dumpster baby” multiple times. I was 15 and shut it down and moved on. IF that had happened to me when I was 7, I imagine it would have been incredibly damaging and embarrassing for me.

Someone else suggested – I work with young kids, and I think pretending/role playing is their way of reflecting. In order to understand, “What does it mean to be adopted?” he has to first ask, “Well, what would it be like if I wasn’t adopted? In what ways is it different?” Completely normal child behavior; I’d let it happen.

To which another affirmed – That’s a great way of thinking about it. Children do think about hypotheticals a lot and that’s discouraged more and more as we age. I think that makes a lot of sense given that he’s 7.

An adoptee suggests – I would personally ask him if there is a reason he wants to – if someone said something or why ? – and just go with it. I would not tell him he can’t pretend. It may just be his way of coping right now because obviously something is going on in his mind that’s causing him to want this. So I would just ask questions to make sure he’s okay and listen to him and go with it.

And I really, really like this suggestion – “Sometimes I think of “if” you had been born to me but then, I remember you wouldn’t be the same you, if you had. Your mom, DNA and genetics have made you – you – and I would never want to miss you. You wouldn’t be the same you, if you were born to me.”

Now that is beautifully honest.