National Adoption Awareness Month

I’ve been pretty much “out of it” this month as regards my blog here. My apologies. With the month almost over, I’m just now learning that it has been National Adoption Awareness Month. What I might wish for people to have an awareness of – is that there is always an aspect of trauma associated with adoption. My suggestion would be to listen more to adoptee voices and less to the rainbows and unicorns narratives of the FOR PROFIT adoption industry.

One adoptee suggested a topic – what is something you should NOT do / say to an adoptee ? One example was – you should never use the way an adoptee was conceived (in this case, a one night stand) against them. It was further pointed out what should be obvious – “we didn’t ask to be here.”

Another – Never say “she loved you so much that she gave you up.“

Or this – “We *chose* you”. I don’t even know what this means, other than *she* did not…? Or that other parents were stuck with their kids ? Like they don’t have a choice…? Or that they looked at others and picked me…? It’s insincere… and untrue. It alludes to picking the ripest fruit or something… we were in the market for a kid and we chose you. As I got older, it felt much more cringe when they said it. (Especially given their treatment of us.)

“Have you ever thought about finding your birth parents?” Immediately followed up with “What do you mean you (want to/don’t want to) find your birth family?” From another – Never tell your adopted child to “go find your real parents”.

Never tell adoptees that they are “lucky” for being adopted. It certainly doesn’t feel lucky to be sold to the highest bidder. Or, you were chosen. To which this adoptee said – No, I was stolen and used for a lonely woman to project her own twisted maternal fantasies onto. To which one noted – “oh, you must feel so lucky that you got picked to be apart of such an amazing family !”

From yet another – I get sick of people saying that this was designed by God for us to be put in our adoptive families because that means that God made a mistake by putting us in the wrong womb. As a transracial adoptee, it was always who are your real parents ? Why do you not look like your parents ? Also, how much did I cost ? It’s also a hard question to process for us to know that we cost people money and in turn feel that we have to live up to that cost in someway.

An interesting story then got shared due to that cost question – I don’t know if this is “better” or “worse” but I know my adoption was very inexpensive, just a couple hundred dollars in court costs back in the 80’s. I remember telling a ‘friend’ of mine what the amount was in high school (don’t ask why, I don’t remember) and he figured out how many bottles of Fruitopia I was “worth”. It’s probably the only time I personally felt shame about being adopted and the only time I felt like a “commodity”. I was/am fortunate to have a good relationship with my AP’s, but that memory will always hurt….

One notes – Using my adoption as a talking point about your pro-life stance. That’s a MAJOR pet peeve of mine. Assuming how I feel about either set of parents…. ugh. I hate the use of the term *real parents*. Assuming my race is annoying.

One responded to that with this – In response to the “pro life prop” – it’s not like we had any say or choice or memory about coming into existence ! At nearly 40 years old, I’m just recently (as in the past couple of months) understanding that some of the feelings I’ve held for decades are actually trauma responses. Seeing other people that are scarred similarly has been triggering and painful, but it’s also really helped validate some of these emotions and is helping me realize I’m not alone.

Another adoptee shares – You had a better life. You should be grateful. At least your biological mom didn’t abort you. You look just like your parents (the adoptive ones). Happy “gotcha day”! She goes on – Not recognizing the loss of an adoptee’s biological family and anyone making ANY comment about them to an adoptee in a negative light. Other people telling MY story. It’s not your story STFU. My adopted parents commenting about how my life “wasn’t that bad” when I talk about how traumatic my life has been. Minimizing our loss or our trauma. Any comment that includes “I know someone who’s adopted” or your cousins adopted etc etc. If you don’t know anything about the subject matter, just move along. I literally could keep going.

A birth mother says – It’s not adoption APPRECIATION month.. it’s national adoption awareness month. Big difference. We don’t want to appreciate it, as it sucks. Nor do we wish others to grow in this appreciation, as that’s the false narrative. We want them to be aware of the realities.

Some adoptees are trying to take this month back, as national adoptee awareness month. Since adoptees are the most affected by adoption, their voices should be the ones heard.

The Trauma Response

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your tender heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent by choice or by the circumstance of working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but no offered no safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships that always took more than they gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From the lies. The betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Ultra-independence is a trust issue.

You learned: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball… because they will always drop the ball sooner or later, right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Ultra-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.
So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is vulnerability.

“Never again,” you vowed.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s trauma response.

The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of having your heart held.
You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.

You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.

You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy.

You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to prove it.
You don’t have to bargain for it.
You don’t have to beg for it.

You are worthy.
Worthy.

Simply because you exist.

~ Jamila White

Bridging Transitions

Today’s story – My son was adopted from foster care at age 2. He’s 6 years old. His mom has been in prison and hasn’t seen him since he was 4. We did yearly visits at ages 3 and 4 before she was incarcerated. When she gets released, she will be living in a different state. She has requested video calls with him.

Here’s where we need advice. Do we talk with him about his feelings surrounding these video calls? Do we allow the choice to be his? We want their relationship to be led by him, but is 6 too young to understand? Should we be taking the lead until he’s old enough to decide what he wants?

Added details: there were never any negative behaviors after our past visits at ages 3 and 4. I would talk with him very lightly about the visit afterwards to gauge where he was at. Our son has some mental health needs and we’re trying to be sensitive to those since he’s doing so well at this time.

An adoptee answers – There are many factors to consider. First and foremost, the choice is ALWAYS his. Always let the child lead the relationship and respect their wishes. The desires of parents (natural, foster, or adoptive) never have priority over that of the child. When asking if they want to call or visit, remember that “I don’t know” or “I’m unsure” is not an automatic yes. That means there needs to be a longer conversation to help figure out their feelings together. This would be best done in conjunction with a trauma-informed therapist.

Secondly, the context of the incarceration. None of our business and I’m not asking, but it’s relevant to consider. Things like theft, substance use, fraud, prostitution, etc are all situations that do not make someone any less of a parent. However crimes against the child should be taken seriously. Despite my pleas, I was forced to visit my abuser and trafficker in prison, even as she sat for the crimes against me.

Third, consider the environment of the facility. Even if the relationship with mom is a healthy thing to maintain, it can be deeply frightening and traumatizing for children. I witnessed and was subjected to some very disturbing behavior while visiting prisons in my youth. In cases like this, video calls (like I believe your post mentioned) are obviously preferred but consider being pen pals as well. These mementos can be saved forever and looked back on, and also it can take the stress off face-to-face interactions that can be very awkward for many.

According to the Sesame Street Workshop – 2.6 million children have a parent who is incarcerated. It is one of the major causes of placement into foster care. Want to know more? – Sesame Street Workshop topic – LINK>Incarceration.

Looking For Context

Today’s complicated situation –

12 years ago my brother got married and had a baby very young. About two years into the marriage his wife wanted to separate, so they were co-parenting. She then decided she wanted full custody and made a laundry list of allegations against my brother in order to obtain that, but ultimately was not successful. When that failed, she told him he was not the father— which turned out to be true. At this point my brother had raised this child for 3 years and loved being a father and was absolutely devastated. A series of events led to him making the decision to step aside and sign away his parental rights so that the mother, real father, and baby could be a family. It shattered him and he processed it like a death of a child.

9 years have past since he stepped away. Since then the biological father has completely disappeared and she has been remarried 4 separate times. She has been placed in an involuntary psych hold on 2 separate occasions and has some serious mental health struggles.

Fast forward to this month. Everyone in my family, including myself and my husband, have received letters from Texas Child Protective Services (where the mother lives— all of us are in New York) looking for family of this child and saying there is an open case. We responded saying that we know of the child in question and are awaiting more information.

My questions are: Does this letter mean the child is in CPS (Child Protective Services) custody/the system ? What happens here, since we are not actually blood related to this child ? Does this mean the mother has been deemed unfit in some way ? Or that other family has been unresponsive to this search for connections to this child ?

The grandparents on the mother’s side are incredibly abusive, and her sibling is in jail for shooting a gun at someone in a park. It seems the biological father’s family wants no part of this child’s life. I have no idea what any of us in my family would do from here— my brother is married and now has a 4 month old— and no one in my family is in a great place to take in a child, nor am I sure that would be the right thing to do ? But we are all very concerned— we loved this child deeply and were heartbroken when all of this took place. I know at this point she is a traumatized pre-teen who has probably been through hell and back. I guess I’m just wondering what the right thing to do in this situation is, and looking for context for what this CPS letter means in terms of the child’s welfare.

One knowledge response was – They are clearly looking for Fictive Kin. Please try to discover more and if / how your family (especially your brother) can get involved for the youth’s sake.

Similarly – They are looking for fictive kin. This can be anyone who has had any connection with the child (neighbors, parent’s co-workers, religious community, teachers, etc.). It’s heartening to know that CPS has actually contacted you all. The best way to get a better picture of what’s going on to with the child is to respond to the CPS letter. You’ll most likely be placed in contact with a social worker who’s been working on the case. I have a list of questions you can ask (see below). Hoping for the best for the child, her natural mother, and your brother.

Here is a list of questions for a situation such as this –

Reason for Placement:

Can you tell me a bit about what led to the child being placed in foster care ? Just trying to understand their backstory a bit.

How’s the child handling the transition into foster care ? Any particular challenges they’re facing ?

Legal Proceedings/Termination of Parental Rights:

Has there been any progress or updates regarding legal proceedings or the possibility of terminating parental rights ?

How’s the child navigating through any legal stuff ? Are they aware of what’s happening, and how are they coping with it ?

Child’s Development:

What’s the current living situation like for the child ? How are they adjusting to it ?

Can you tell me a bit about the child’s personality and interests ? Just trying to understand what makes them tick.

How’s the child doing in school ? Are there any particular subjects or activities they excel in ?

Do they have any hobbies or talents that they’re passionate about ? Just curious about what brings them joy.

Family Dynamics/Relationships:

How often does the child get to see or communicate with their biological family ? And how are those interactions going ?

How do they get along with their foster family and peers ? Any budding friendships or challenges they’re facing ?

Support and Services:

What kind of support services are available to the child and their foster family ?

Are there any particular cultural or religious considerations we should keep in mind while caring for the child ?

Future Plans/Goals:

What are the long-term goals or plans for the child’s placement ? Any steps you’re taking to work towards those goals ?

How can we, as their foster family, best support them in their growth and development ?

Health and Well-being:

Are there any health concerns or medical needs we should be aware of ? How are you addressing those ?

How does the child express their feelings or emotions ? And how can we help them develop healthy coping skills ?

Love For Them Is Natural

Image from a reunion story at LINK>Cafe Mom

I read this from an adoptive parent today in my all things adoption group – “We as adoptive parents shouldn’t feel threatened when adoptees express their love for their biological parents.”

The comment above came in response to something she had read in a different group (that I am not a member of) – “How do you handle your kids saying they love their biological parents more than you ? My oldest son is 5 but I’ve had him since he was 9 months old. He was allowed overnights with biological mom until he was 2-1/2 years old. He’s only seen her 5 times since she lost custody. From my prospective, he doesn’t really know her because they have rarely been together. The overnights were for one night every month or two. It just hurts my feelings when he says he loves his birth mom and her husband (not his bio dad) and not me”.

One mother of loss noted a bit cynically – OMG did an adoptive parent just admit their own fragility and insecurity ?! Better put this one on the calendar. Someone get this lady a medal. Sorry you weren’t able to erase an unbreakable bond. And as how to “handle” it ? You ACCEPT it. You know what ? Your feelings are not what matters. You get a shrink and you just deal with it. Or you use a 5 year old’s true feelings to alienate the child for your own selfish gain by cutting contact and closing the adoption, like 89% of the rest of the vultures do. He hasn’t seen her but 5 times and they’re rarely together because you haven’t allowed it, because you’re jealous. From overnights to nothing, hmmm what do we think the outcome will be ?

One woman who works with young people wrote – Doing youth work, it’s been enlightening to see how the way the adoptive parents treat the whole subject and how the kid processes it all as they get to an age to understand this stuff with more detail. The ones who have been treated like belongings have had real internal struggles. There was quite a bit of kinship caring in the families we worked with and there’s been more than one “family visit” night where like 25 people have turned up. LOL I’m like, well the room isn’t that big so pick 3 people and I’ll go get the client. A lot of times when the kid was from a really remote location the whole family, like half the community, would come down and camp in the park across the road. Especially elders. I wish the people who had the attitudes like that woman could see that.

An adoptee notes – The adoptive parent expects a 5 year old to manage their feelings, with an adult-level understanding of how to do that, while denying any preferences of his own. Also in my opinion, describing it as hurting her feelings, after expressing disbelief that her son could love his biological mom more, is really her projecting her resentment about that onto the child. He’ll definitely learn not to express anything like that to her – eventually. That’s how it’s getting handled: by him.

An experienced foster/adoptive mom writes – it’s SO important that anyone getting getting involved, particularly in the foster care system, be free of the super common “looking to expand our family”. You can’t expect a child, let alone a traumatized child, to fulfill your emotional needs. That’s not what kids are for. If you’re truly interested in helping kids… Then you should be thrilled they have a great connection to their family. That’s to be celebrated. Like yay! You did a good job! Your kid has connections and is able to recognize those emotions and feels free to verbalize them! It’s just such a fundamental baked-in part of the problem that, when you pay for a child, you think you own it. You have expectations. It’s yours. It’s late stage capitalism in one of its worst forms. The inherent power structure and commodification of *children*.

Abandoned at the Playground

Short on time today, so I am sharing this essay from LINK>Severance Magazine by Akara Skye.

My mother dropped me off at an empty public playground without a goodbye or a promise to return. I reluctantly and dutifully got out of the car. The playground and I drew a heavy sigh. We were alone together.

I shuffled over to the swing set determined to make the best of it. The hot wind kicked up, covering my face with a dusty film. For a moment, it clouded my vision, and I wondered if it might be better to not see clearly. To not see the truth of the matter; that everyone will leave me. What did I do to deserve this?

If both the mother I knew and the mother who relinquished me at birth could leave me, it would be easy for others to do the same. My birth mother didn’t come back for me, but went on to a brand new, shiny life including children, the ones she kept. Now my other mother has left me. Would she come back?

Hours passed, and the sun began to set. No other children had arrived and neither had my mother. I wondered if this would forever be my landscape. Dusty, dismal, and deserted.

I saw her car coming up the road just before dusk. I couldn’t read her face. Was it full of dread and desperation, or maybe it was full of joy and excitement? Had she done this with her other daughter, the biological one?

Put on your game face, I told myself. Act grateful. Don’t ask questions. The car rolled up. No honk, no door swinging open. I got in, and we drove off. The forever silence between us.

On the way back home, I was already worrying when, not if, this would happen again. What if she didn’t come back the next time?

I do remember another place. A happy place. I would ride my purple Schwinn bike with the flower basket and plastic streamers, to a neighbor’s backyard, two miles from my house. I was alone, yet it was my decision, so it didn’t feel like punishment. Their backyard was unfenced and sloped down to a creek. The surroundings were calm and peaceful, shaded and cool, nothing like the dusty dry playground. The breeze rustled through the leaves of the protective trees which bent over the water. The water lightly danced over the gray, brown, and white stones and pebbles. An occasional flower petal gently fell onto the sprays of water.

I was proud that I could sneak in without being detected. Little did I know that the neighbors were watching me, much like they might watch a stray cat who appeared at their back door.

Regardless, I was happy there. The place was the opposite of the disparaging playground; even though I was alone at both places. But perhaps I should get used to it. Everyone leaves.

Akara Skye is a domestic, Baby Scoop era, closed adoption, late discovery adoptee. She is estranged from her adoptive family and unacknowledged by her birth family. Skye is on the executive board of directors of AKA, LINK>Adoption Knowledge Affiliates. She hopes to increase awareness that adoption is not all pink, perfect, and polite but is layered with trauma for all involved.

Not Actually Lucky

Iris Anderson

Today’s blog is courtesy of a Huffpost Personal story by the woman who’s picture is above. LINK>People Ask If I Feel ‘Lucky’.

When I was old enough to comprehend the gravity of my truth, my parents sat me down and told me that I had been adopted from China. It was fairly easy, even as a child, to recognize that I did not look like those around me, especially my parents. In fact, I found it quite awesome to be different ― to have come from a country so rich with history and culture.

However, the reality of living in a town with a predominantly white population is that many of its residents ostracize anyone who is different. I tried desperately to fit in with the other kids, but it became clear early on that despite my parents’ whiteness, my Chineseness would always make me an outsider.

Growing up, she didn’t realize the seemingly small acts of aggression she experienced were actually racist or that they would grow into hatred in the future. She writes – The first time I returned to China with my parents, I was 9 years old and longing for a place filled with people who looked like me. I was completely in awe of the country that created me, and this is when I first realized that I needed to embrace being Chinese. This proved nearly impossible. It was obvious that I did not belong to those who lived in China. From the way I dressed to the language that I spoke ― or couldn’t speak ― to them, I was American through and through. I felt like a foreigner in a country that I desperately believed should have felt like home.

She continues – As I grew older, it became more common for adults to ask me how lucky I felt to be adopted from China, and I became resentful at how their questions commodified me. I was adopted from China after being left at a train station and should be grateful for my parents’ generosity ― for the roof they put over my head and the food they put on my plate. My epiphany occurred when I realized that I am allowed to simultaneously love my parents and grieve what I lost. While transracial adoptees may be placed into amazing, loving families, it does not change the fact that their culture was stolen from them.

The second time I returned to China, I was 15 and felt more in touch with my emotions. I wanted to build connections with other adoptees and hear their stories. This trip, which catered to adoptees from the same agency, allowed me to spend time with others who had been taken into white families. Together, we found and created a safe environment for each other where we could talk about our experiences and vent our emotions without fear of judgment.

I held no anger toward my birth mom for giving me up, especially when I understood the state of China and the one-child policy. But the curiosity of knowing about where and who I came from was there, and probably always will be. By the end of the trip, I cannot say that this goal was completely achieved. But while it might sound cliche, we adoptees did find each other, and in some way that was worth more to us than our original goals.

All transracial adoptees deserve to have a place where they can release their emotions and feel a sense of community. While I know not all transracial adoptees will want or be able to return to their country of birth and connect with others who have shared experiences, I hope they can find another way to build a community, perhaps through local groups or online. Being able to share my thoughts, emotions and challenges ― which I worried only I was thinking, feeling and facing ― with people like me has changed my life for the better.

The author, Iris Anderson, is studying biology and psychology at Columbia University and is part of the class of 2026.

Blogger’s Note – being in an all things adoption online community has made all the difference for me as the child of two adoptee parents. I have learned so much and very often, what I learn is translated into these blogs I write almost every day. My only hope is that I help others who have much less experience with adoption understand better what adoptees feel and experience in the lives they lead.

We Began In Darkness

Regardless of whether we were raised by the people who conceived and birthed us or were surrendered to strangers who then raised us as their adopted children, we all begin the same way – in the womb of the woman who gestates us. Today, I was reading a piece in my LINK>Science of Mind magazine that felt like a good way to start today’s blog. It was written by Sunshine Michelle Coleman and is titled Light Within the Shadows.

She writes – we were born from within the dark. The quiet womb nurtured and sustained us, as it allowed us to develop and grow. It was a place of stillness and comfort. It was home and a place of assuredness and safety. It was warm and cozy, with life-sustaining liquid nutrients, the beautiful sound of a parental heartbeat and a constant hug that let us know we were loved.

Can you imagine being shocked into birth, forced to leave that home of dark beautiful comfort and thrust into another form of life in the external world with lights, sounds, cameras and so much action ? Even though we eventually adjusted to all of this newness of life on the outside, we probably longed to be back in our dark safe space just a little longer. That is likely why it is so vital for babies to be touched and held, so they survive and thrive with a smooth transition to life outside the womb.

Adoptees however, especially domestic infant adoptees, are handed over to strangers to raise. Letters from my mom’s adoptive mother to the adoption agency indicate a frazzled woman dealing with an unhappy infant on a long train ride from Memphis Tennessee to Nogales Arizona. There are hints that a pediatrician drugged my mom to calm her down. The last picture of her original mother holding her shows a happy baby. She was not a newborn when this happened and she had been temporarily placed in an orphanage while my grandmother did her best to find a way to support them both with my mom’s father not present for reasons I can never truly know. Even so, the transition upset her.

In the article I was reading, she writes of “buried treasures” that can be discovered in our shadows. These are the deepest parts of ourselves, those emotions that can yield pain, grief and sorrow. Many of us learned as children to hide or push away those parts of ourselves in fear of the hurt and agony they might cause.

The author suggests leaning into the shadow parts of ourselves so that we can work through them, until we are able to reveal a healing. Looking honestly at our emotions and into those dark places. It may be necessary to shift our perspectives and unlearn lifelong lessons from what we previously judged as being bad. As children, we probably feared what we did not understand and certainly all that we really had no control over. It may be necessary to examine our unconscious biases and judgements about how our life unfolded. Regardless of all that may have happened to us growing, we are the only ones who can create a positive change in our own lives. Peace to each who struggles and compassion for all that has come before.

Turning 18

I have sons that are 18 and 21. The 21 year old is more of an adult now than the 18 year old but maturity is making changes in the younger boy’s perspectives. My daughter grew up away from me. At 3 years old, she ended up with her dad and a step-mother because I simply could not earn enough to support the 2 of us with child care necessary to even to to work – added to that rent, food, pediatrician bills, clothes, etc. During her childhood, communication was always difficult. I didn’t live in the same town and felt the disapproval of her parenting adults when I tried to visit. I even gave her a prepaid calling card so she call me when it was the least disruptive in her family life. I do remember seriously looking forward to when she was mature and no longer lived with them. Thankfully, we do have a good relationship – maybe not perfect and I blame myself for the feelings of abandonment she has experienced.

Anyway, I do understand the perspectives in this birth mother’s story.

My younger child’s 18th birthday is coming up this month. We haven’t had any contact since last year, when his adoptive mother got upset that I had posted something about 17 years gone, one to go. Somehow she assumed that this meant that I wanted the kid to come live with me when they turned 18, but I just meant that the control freak adoptive mother would have less power over him then.

Meanwhile, a friend of mine who adopted kids from Russia with his ex-wife has been completely alienated from them, and posted that he regrets ever adopting them in the first place. I guess his ex won whatever game she was playing. (This blogger’s note – a lot of people who adopted from Russia experienced huge challenges with those children.)

I’ve been tempted to just post publicly that the adoptive mother wins, that I regret ever having kids at all. When I saw “Everything, Everywhere, All at Once,” I thought about how there is no universe where I would have chosen to have kids and have her adopt them. Even if I’d been dying of cancer, I would have picked someone else to raise my kids. She’s been horrible to me so many times over the last 18 1/2 years, and still every few years, she’ll initiate contact with me and just pretend like all the past awfulness didn’t happen, or maybe that we’re equally at fault. She’s never apologized for anything, I don’t think she understands the concept. She’s said that she wants me to respect her as a “mother”, but I can’t even pretend to.

If on their 18th birthday, I posted that I regret that I had kids, would that make the adoptive mother happy? Is that what she wants? If I was really a horrible mother, then wouldn’t it make sense that I regret attempting to raise children? What does she want from me in order to at least not guilt trip them about any attempt to contact me? If I groveled before the Queen (the adoptive mother) and apologized for trying to raise my kids instead of being a docile handmaid, would that improve my chances of ever having a relationship with either child as adults? How am I supposed to feel? I guess if neither kid wants anything to do with me, they wouldn’t be checking my Facebook to see what I post.

This blogger’s perspective – There are no win situations in life and we simply can only do the best we can do.

What Is And Is Not

My nearly 6 year old (in my care since she was 6 months of age, came to us from foster care) emotionally shared the other day that she’s embarrassed being seen with my husband and I at school drop off/pick up because she’s aware it’s making her different from the other children who have their birth parents pick them up and how she wishes her Mum could come to pick up sometimes (her Mum passed away tragically two years ago so it’s literally impossible).

There is no real clear physical difference between us – so it’s really just that she knows we aren’t her birth parents and she grieves what could have been. I told her I understood why she feels sad about that, that it makes sense she’d love her Mum to come and that I’m really sorry I can’t make that happen. I also pointed out other children wouldn’t know (for the most part) that we aren’t her birth parents because we’ve been private about her story (however, she recently shared with her class that she had scattered her Mums ashes). There are other kids who could be in the same situation as her and she wouldn’t know.

She’s really dislikes having a different surname than us because “you’re my parents and you’re my family, so why can’t I have the same name?”, even though we’ve never made an issue of it and we tell her how much we love her name and that families don’t require the same last names as each other. She has been asking for the last few weeks, can she please change her surname to our surname at school/extra curricular activities. She’s started calling herself and her little sister (who is her biological sister but also has a different surname, not the same as hers) *their names* with our surname.

One of my big hesitancies is the future her, looking back on her work/awards and seeing a name she might not identify with anymore and being upset we allowed her to use a different name. We are foster parents who became guardians but we specifically didn’t pursue adoption because of what we learned about the feelings of adult adoptees.

One suggestion was to hyphenate her surname with the guardian’s surname, not legally but just on paper, so she can see you are listening to her feelings, without changing anything legally. The guardian liked the suggestion – that way she doesn’t have to feel like it has to be one way or the other, either this part of my family or that part of my family. The guardian said “I definitely have no intention of changing her name legally, that’s something she can navigate once she’s an adult. But just socially, maybe hyphenating could be the solution.

Another suggested – could you explain to her that the surname was one of her first gifts from her mother ? Explain to her that there are some kids whose moms have gotten remarried and her kids don’t share her new last name. And even though it isn’t the same situation as she is in because her mom is no longer here like the other kids, it is similar with the last name situation. The reply was – I did try telling her how kids have different last names to their Mum’s sometimes because of marriage and such but she was like “but you and Dad have the same last name so that’s not the same thing.”

One answers from experience – This is tricky. I was given the choice to keep my last name or change it, and I kept it. There were so many times in school when I wished I just had the same last name as my adoptive family. It would have erased so many questions I didn’t want to answer. I’m 42 now and I’m 100% glad I kept it. I didn’t even fully let it go when I got married. On the other hand, my biological sister was all too happy to shed that last name when she got married (at 8 years older than me, she was 18 when we went to our adoptive family. So I don’t think changing to her last name was ever brought up). Our last name came from the guy who abused us. All that to say, I don’t think there is a concrete right or wrong answer here. *I* would say keep her last name but see if the school will just call her by yours, sort of like a nick-name? My sister on the other hand would say let her change it. Hugs to you as you try to navigate this.

Another shares – I have two last names and I say them proudly. Would she be willing to make a final decision after a bit more contemplation? Have her practice saying and writing the new name combo – you can call her anything for now. She might find just being able to say her new name and know that maybe one day she will legally be both names. The guardian answers – I’ve responded to her saying “let’s keep chatting and thinking about it, so we make the best decision for you” and she seems okay with it thus far.

Another opinion was – I would honor her desire and let her change her name. I think you can do that and let her know if she ever changes her mind and wants to change it back, you’ll support her no questions asked. Or if it’s possible to change it with school and such without doing the full legal piece, maybe that could be a good compromise. I was under guardianship as well until adulthood, and I always struggled as a child with feeling like I didn’t truly belong and the uncertainty about where I’d spend the entirety of my childhood was deeply unsettling. I was under familial guardianship, so I was with family, but I just always felt like I was an add on, not a core part of the family. To this day, it’s something I still feel in my core when I’m with my family and I’m 37. I can understand why having a different name could exacerbate that feeling for her. Part of it is just inescapably that our childhood was different and more traumatic than those around us and even the best support systems simply cannot undo that. And that’s hard to understand as a kid and it leaves lasting changes to one’s brain. And for me at least, the uncertainty about whether I’d be able to finish out a school year, let alone all of K-12 in the home I was in, was always hanging over me. It just didn’t feel permanent (though it did turn out to be). There are SO few things that are in our control when we are kids, and the lack of control over any aspect of our lives can be overwhelming.

A school staff member noted that – our school has “legal” name and “preferred” name. “Preferred ” name can be changed at any time without any documentation, it shows up on attendance and display but all legal documents show their legal names. She even adds that – I did this as a child until I was legally able to make the decision to formally change my name.