Is Your Behavior Unethical

Questions to consider, if you want to take responsibility for unintended but unethical behavior –

Did you use an adoption agency that has consistently unethical practices?

Did you pay tens of thousands of dollars?

Did you participate in pre-birth matching?

Were you in the delivery room/at hospital?

Did you seek out states without a revocation period?

Did you troll Facebook groups looking for expectant mothers?

Did you send your profile to Obstetrician offices and leave “business cards” on college campuses?

Did you aggressively advertise on social media and Craigslist?

Did you fight the parents, if they tried to revoke?

For foster to adopt parents:

Did you support reunification?

Did you sabotage reunification?

Do you realize you chose to also participate in a corrupt system?

Who Is Really Responsible

Sharing some intelligent and knowledgeable thoughts today (no, not my own but so good, I had to share) –

Responsibility In Adoption

WHO IS REALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR FORCED ADOPTIONS?

A few people make the point that sometimes foster parents are forced by the state to adopt their foster children. Since there was some demand for a topic addressing forced adoptions from foster care, I thought this topic was important. Let’s start with some language.

ARE FOSTER PARENTS FORCED OR ARE THEY COERCED?

According to the Oxford Dictionary, “force” includes situations where a person may be threatened into cooperating with an action they would prefer not to perform. In this way, you can say that adoptive parents are “forced” to adopt from foster care under some circumstances. But I think the word “coerced” is better because it is a more nuanced word that conveys the fact that while there were no good choices, adoptive parents still made a choice.

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE FORCED ADOPTIONS?

There’s a who and there’s a what. Let’s start with the “what.”

What we’re talking about is the Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA), a Clinton-era law intended to encourage state agencies to find and secure permanent homes for children waiting in foster care following the termination of parental rights. This act provides Federal monies for state agencies for each child adopted out of foster care in a given fiscal year. In order to continue to receive this stipend, the state agencies must increase the number of adoptions compared to the previous year. Agencies, therefore, train their caseworkers to push for (or coerce) adoptions so that they continue to receive these federal funds for their services. The Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA) is largely responsible for the number of children in foster care waiting to be adopted as well as the coercion in adoption.

The “who” is the adoptive parent.

I know you don’t want to hear this. It is so much easier to blame someone else for your involvement in a system of oppression. But let me put this simply: You would not have been forced to adopt, if you had not been involved in foster care as a foster parent in the first place.

Leaving aside any feelings many of us have about adoption and foster care in the first place, this is factually true. The caseworker could not have coerced you to adopt, if you had not already been fostering, which most of you signed up for in the first place.

THE REALITY OF FORCED ADOPTIONS

They do happen. Period. But when we put the emphasis on adoptive parents, we shift the tragedy of forced adoptions away from the helpless party: The adoptee. We also shift the emphasis from the party who truly had no choice and was literally forced: The natural family. Because the adoptee didn’t choose to be in foster care — the adoptive (formerly foster) parent did. Because biological parents didn’t choose to engage with the system — the adoptive (formerly foster) parent did.

Before you argue that biological parents chose to engage with the system, sit down and listen. Please.

The Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA) demands a supply of children to be adopted out of foster care, and Child Protective Services uses increasingly aggressive techniques to source these children. Many children in the system, even post-Termination of Parental Rights, are in the system because their parents were facing temporary situations and then the system saddled them with requirements they simply could not complete. When parents don’t complete the objectives of their case plan, their rights are terminated. Their children may be adopted “for the sake of permanency.”

ADOPTIVE PARENTS AREN’T VICTIMS

It is harmful to adoptees and their original families when adoptive parents make themselves out to be the victims in adoption. Not only does this potentially (likely) harm the adopted child and/or their first family, but it prevents the adoptive parent from healing the parts of them that are wounded by whatever causes led them to adoption. You have to be responsible for your choices. Period. As a first mother who lost her children to CPS and is now in reunion, I strive to recognize that whatever I may feel, I am not the victim. My children were. For the sake of your child, keep things in perspective. In the long run, it will also help you.

BUT WHAT ABOUT KINSHIP ADOPTION?

Kinship adoption is a true tragedy. The majority of kinship adopters didn’t set out to foster or adopt in the first place and accept responsibility for a relative’s children to keep them out of the system. In many states, they are then threatened with stranger placement, if they don’t adopt their kinship child. Adoption isn’t the right answer, but keeping children with family has to come first whenever possible. No adopter gets a free pass, but if there is an argument that can be made that kinship adopters have almost no choice because they didn’t choose to participate in the system apart from the pressure applied by the need for care inside the family.

YOU CAN DO THE WRONG THING WHILE TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING

It’s easy for those suffering cognitive distortions (often as a result of childhood abuse and trauma) to believe that participating in a broken system makes them a bad person.

Nobody’s saying that. We recognize the choicelessness you felt when confronted with the option to either adopt or allow a child you care deeply for to be removed from your home to be adopted by strangers — and you may never see them again.

But it is important, for the sake of your adopted child — that you not make yourself the victim of some third party — especially when that third party is faceless and nameless (“the system”).

LET’S GET VISIBLE!

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Violating Boundaries

I’ve been guilty, even when trying not to violate them. Today’s story from an adoptive mother – I am wondering how to best respect my kid’s wishes without cutting her mom off. She’s 9. Her mom really loves her and wants pictures and updates “whenever”. I’ll ask my kid if it’s okay if I send a photo to her mom after we’ve taken it and she’ll almost always say no. I don’t want to ignore her wishes and send the pictures without asking or against her wishes, but I don’t want her mom to feel cut off when she’s not getting any photos or updates for awhile. The other thing is that her mom almost never reaches out for updates but is always happy to receive them. I’m trying to do what I can to help them both. Thoughts?

A kinship adoptive mother replies – I agree with those who’ve said not to send them. I have custody of a 16yo who’s lived with me for almost 2.5 years. Recently when angry, she blurted out that she hates me sharing her whole life on Facebook. That comment made me realize I’d never asked her permission to make FB posts about her and her accomplishments, etc. Of course, my first thought was – Well geez. I’m just proud of you, want to make sure your family members can see you grow, etc. In my head, I had a million good reasons for why I was doing what I do. But ultimately in the end, it makes her uncomfortable and I violated her boundaries without even realizing I was doing anything wrong. So a big apology ensued and I no longer post anything about her on social media. If she wants someone to see something or know something she can share it herself. Definitely respect your daughters’ boundaries and let her have the final say.

The first one was convinced – Will definitely continue respecting her wishes and see if we can facilitate different means of connection with her mom.

A Threat Going Too Far

On a “looking to adopt” plea, someone left a sad reaction on their post. Then, those people left this person voice memos threatening to k*ll both them and their cat, and saying many other disgusting things. The person threatened noted that “If they react that strongly to a REACTION on a post, not even a comment, I am terrified at what else they could do. Imagine the lengths they would go to manipulate an expecting mother. How would they react if the mother changed her mind? I’m even horrified thinking how they would treat their kid. They think they are entitled to take someone’s baby, cut off all forms of communication, and attack anyone who gets in their way.”

She noted that the plea had all the typical red flags (praying for god to let a baby lose its family, wanting closed adoption only). A commenter noted – “I’m sure their church would like to know that their deacon and his wife are threatening to kill people based on a Facebook reaction.” Another suggested – “I would dead serious file a police report and make a preliminary child services call against them. So scary and psycho.”

And clearly understood by another – The fact that they went to violent threats because of a reaction (which honestly could’ve been a mistake, I’ve done a mistake reaction before) is incredibly concerning. I would definitely have a copy of those voicemails, possibly reach out to the church even. That’s frightening.

Blogger’s note – With the shortage of newborns available for adoption, clearly hopeful adoptive parents are reflecting the overall worrisome trend in these United States of turning violently inclined.

Why No Contact

Today’s story (not my own) – My adoptive mother keeps telling me that if my biological family wanted to contact me, they would have done that already, so clearly they’re not interested. I did have my biological brother reach out to me on and off a few years ago, but ultimately, he ghosted me. While I do see the logic that if they wanted to contact me they would have already, considering I’m 38 years old, at the same time I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Because one could say the same of an adoptee not getting in contact with her original mother. And there may have been lots of reasons why I haven’t made contact with her yet.

Anyway, my question is, would it necessarily mean you didn’t want to be contacted, if you haven’t been contacted already, and it’s decades later? I kind of want to contact my biological sister, but my adoptive parents have said clearly they don’t want to hear from me. I am 38 and I know they all could find my Facebook account, because that’s how my brother found me. (If I did contact anybody though, I’ve decided not to tell my adoptive parents.)

One woman who aged out of foster care noted – An adoptive parent repeatedly telling you your birth mother is not interested in contacting you, would make me more suspicious that she’s told her to stay away. I personally would not allow her to set that precedent for you.

One adoptee noted – and then there’s the fear that you will pick your biological family over your adoptive parents.

One adoptive parent said – I personally think that it doesn’t mean they’re not interested. They may very well just not want to come to you before you’re ready. They could just be waiting for you to reach out and even hoping that you do!

Blogger’s note – When I met the daughter of my mom’s paternal step-sister, she told me that when they visited Memphis (where my grandparents married and where my mom was taken from her mother into adoption), they would search the phone book for the surname Stark, which was my grandmother’s maiden name (clearly they knew that much). However, there were so many in the phone book with that last name, they didn’t know how to narrow down the choices to even try.

One mom who surrendered her child 43 years ago (often referred to as MOL or Mother of Loss) and finally reconnected with them only 2 years ago – agrees, yes fear, insecurity & selfishness !!! She says, I can’t with these adoptive parents!! They trigger me – they pass these negative feelings onto our children, which makes them feel OBLIGATED to regard their feelings towards their adoptive parents above their adoptee feelings. This is the main reason our children are afraid to search for us or even talk about us. And that is why adoptees are so conflicted about reaching out !!

Another mother of loss says – As old as you are, your mother was almost certainly strongly discouraged from contacting you, even after you turned 18, and she may have even been told that she was not legally allowed to.

Which led another person to note the obvious – You are 38 years old, you can do what you want.

Blogger’s note – in fact, it is not uncommon for adoptive parents to infantalize their adult adoptees. I have come across precisely that concept before, so I did a quick google search and found this in Kindred+Co by Sarah Williams – LINK>How Adoptive Parents Can Empower Their Adult Adoptees. She says, “Something prevalent in adoption; especially transracial adoption is the infantilization of adoptees. Maybe it’s unexamined prejudices and racist narratives adoptive parents have told themselves but I am finding more and more adoptees struggling to articulate for themselves their hopes and dreams apart from their adoptive parents. They are the same; until they aren’t. I have had many conversations with adoptees who want to switch their career paths, come out as LGBTQ+, search for their birth families, learn more about their birth culture, but are afraid to out of fear of alienating their adoptive parents whom they feel “indebted’’ to. So much so, that adoptees are no longer living their life informed by their hopes and dreams but entirely controlled by their adoptive parents who feel as if they have the “right” to project and control adoptees’ lives.

It Was Not What You Think

A Facebook acquaintance of mine, who is also an adoptee, delivered a made for Sunday sermon –

Here’s a serious question. Why is it so many couples who have experienced issues with infertility or unable to keep a fetus viable in utero, believe God is or has called them to adopt, only after they’ve spent thousands of dollars, spent years of time trying to have their own baby.

Seriously, if God was really calling you to adopt why didn’t he/she/they call you before wasting the time and money?

Also why do you think telling an adopted child about how much time and money you spent trying to get and maintain a pregnancy will translate to them how God chose you to be their parents when clearly if you had been successful you never would have adopted?

And how do you justify telling an adopted child it was God’s will for you to be their parents? Like isn’t this God powerful enough to put a baby in your barren womb?

Why is it not gods will for you to accept your struggle to conceive as god telling you you shouldn’t have children? But it’s the adopted child’s responsibility to believe it was gods will for them to leave their family of origin and become the child you couldn’t create or deliver?

100 years of propaganda, and Indoctrination.

Has convinced you that adoption is a way to build a family.

This is commodifying children.

Adoption was never suppose to be about finding infants for infertile couples. Adoption prior to Georgia Tann was about finding homes for orphaned children. (Blogger’s note – my own mother was a victim of Georgia Tann’s practices.)

Inquiring minds want to know.

Blogger’s note – searching for an image for today’s blog led me to this LINK>How Do I Know If I’m Called to Adopt? by Lauren Elizabeth Miller. Which led me to look at her “About” page. She says “My next greatest calling is writing and speaking about faith, motherhood, and adoption.” She is an adoptive mother of children from China. In her blog, I appreciate this line – “While all of us can do something, not everyone is called to adopt.”

Yet she also writes – Our family has always landed in churches full of adoptive families that have affirmed our family’s call to adopt. We temporarily moved to Franklin, TN right before we were old enough to start the adoption process for China. (China requires both parents to be 30 years old.) The first church we visited was filled with adoptive families and stories that re-affirmed our calling. However – You will have family members or friends who will question your call to adopt.

Blogger’s note – partly in answer to my FB acquaintance – Evangelical Christian churches play an outsized role in promoting adoption.

Fulfilling My Purpose

I shared a different graphic with this same quote from Mark Twain on my Facebook page today. I noted that I’m glad to feel like I fulfilled my purpose in life (reconnecting the broken threads to my genetic biological grandparents). And I added that I had no idea if there really is much left for me to do with my remaining years but as I yet breathe, I’m certain to continue speaking out.

Even though I absolutely would not exist – if it were not for adoption (both of my parents were adoptees), I use this space to share the uncomfortable realities about the impact of adoption on adoptees and offer suggestions that I hope may help some woman in a challenging pregnancy to reconsider her decision to give her baby up for adoption and perhaps help some adoptive or foster parents do a better job with a situation that already exists. My daughter says if seems as if I am on a mission with this blog and I will readily admit it is true. Having not been given up for adoption myself when I could have easily been (my mom was unwed and still in high school when I was conceived) and knowing what I now know about the for profit adoption industry, I do feel that as long as I can think of anything to say about the practice as it exists today, I will continue to post blogs here as often as each day.

Substitute For Wholeness

Heartbreaking – from a high school teacher – I have a current student that lives in a group home and has been openly asking myself and other staff members to adopt her since her mom is going to give up parental rights (student’s words, no one else’s, no idea if it is true). She has taken to calling me momma (don’t know where that came from) and other staff members auntie or grandma. I’ve tried to get the momma stuff to stop without much luck and don’t want to push her too hard on it as I’ve seen how upset she can get when she feels rejected. I don’t know the details on her situation and why she is in a group home, but I do know she has mentioned contact with her mom and an aunt. What can I do to help show her love and support without making her feel rejected, while also encouraging her to hold out hope for her family situation to resolve?

Response from an adoptee – I used to do this when my biological mother gave up rights. I took to every foster parent and asked them to adopt me even in unhealthy/unsafe foster homes. My lawyer and social worker recognized it after I went to the 3rd foster home. They put me in trauma based counseling that I wasn’t previously in and got me a therapist to help work through. It helped me realize the attachment issues were all based around trauma. She will probably continue to lash out and feel rejected even with therapy. It’s hard but children with these types of attachment traumas will go to drastic length for someone to love them. You can still support her while she gets the help she needs. Please fight for her to get into counseling and therapy. It’s hard to navigate the feelings you have. And please remember, trauma alters your brain chemistry, she cannot help how she feels or thinks. That’s the biggest thing for me. Teachers used to tell me to stop and get frustrated but I physically couldn’t stop getting attached to people. It followed me a little later in life but I’m finally at a place where I don’t have to have somebody like I did at that age when my trauma was still new.

Another adoptee who is also a Foster/Adoptive parent of children with LINK>RAD (reactive attachment disorder) wrote – So, the “mommy shopping” can be related to severe complex trauma (sometimes called RAD in kids). It’s not healthy or typical and there are probably some attachment issues there. (adoption, family separation, residential care, etc) Kids with severe attachment issues can reject loving homes and try to get strangers at a store to be their parents. They can’t trust people who are really there for them. Its too much, too vulnerable. They’ve been let down before. And so they can blow up relationships with family while creating superficial scenarios with people around them who won’t ever make them feel vulnerable. You would be a safe fantasy of family for her, I suspect, if this is what’s happening. So, this can be tough, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t support and love on her. But I would become educated about RAD//PTSD in kids. There’s a lot of terrible advice around RAD, so try – radadvocates.org. Don’t do the Facebook groups because the way these parents talk about their kids will chill you and they won’t be able to offer you any tools anyway. Thanks for looking out for her. Just remember her trauma will probably be big and above your pay grade, so the best way to support her is to understand where her needs come from, listen to her and then keep showing up. I’m glad you are there for her.

One adoptive parent suggested – Can you ask her to refer to you either by your name or if she insists on momma maybe add your name to the end ? I’ve had friends of my kids call me “Momma J” which establishes that I’m a mom and my name but feels more comfortable than outright being called mom by a non-biological child. I feel like you can have that conversation to set this boundary without making her feel rejected but allowing the boundary to be crossed can lead to a pattern of boundary pushing and testing (from my experience). Another added – I would even do “Auntie” instead of “mama”. It implies specialness but holds a boundary.

It Is Their Mystery Too

Casey Vandenberg and Katherine Benoit-Schwartz

A woman in my all things adoption group wrote – A few years ago, I found my genetic biological dad on Facebook. On a monthly basis I look at his page. His pictures. His families profiles. The last few years I have really wanted to reach out but it’s never felt like the right time. I hesitate because he is married and I have no idea if his wife knows about me.

Blogger’s note – This really tugs at my heart. Often when children are surrendered, the father is left out. My mom’s genetic biological parents were married but separated when my grandmother returned to Memphis at the tail end of a massive flood on the Mississippi River. After being exploited and coerced by Georgia Tann to surrender my mom, almost as an after-thought Tann’s lawyer suggested they better get my grandfather’ signature on the Surrender Papers too, so he couldn’t turn up later with a claim for the child. The only thing I’ve heard that he said about my grandmother was that she was so young. Compared to him, that was true. Same with my dad’s genetic biological parents (his parents never married because he already was a married man and never knew about the son he fathered). Old men seem forever attracted to young women. Sigh.

Looking for an image for this blog today, I came across the heartwarming story that the image here comes from. It was published in Good Housekeeping, May 10 2016, by Stephanie Booth. LINK>I Found My Dad After 33 Years of Searching. Katherine was adopted in Quebec Canada. On her original birth certificate, her biological father was listed as “Unknown,” but the certificate revealed the full name of her birth mother. Sadly, when she reached out hoping to meet the woman, she was told that her mother did not want to know her. “I could never be cold like my mother!” she says. “I had to find [where] the side of me that was caring and had a heart [came from]. I had to know what kind of person my dad was.”

Using a Family Tree DNA kit, Katherine sent her sample in. Just over two months, after mailing in the sample, Katherine was watching TV when her phone alerted her that she had a new e-mail. “I just knew,” she says. “I began sweating, and my heart was racing. When I opened the e-mail, it said I had a match.” It wasn’t her father but a female relative with the same surname as his. She fired off a note explaining that she was looking for her dad and sharing the bits of information she had. The reply came right away: That sounds like my uncle Casey. The two got on the phone and chatted, and Gerdi promised to reach out to her uncle.

Casey was already 82 years old and retired. He was living in Cape Coral Florida. Minutes after having talked with his niece, Casey sent Katherine an e-mail introducing himself. “He told me he loved me and signed it Your dad,” Katherine says. “That touched my heart. I felt like my life had come full circle.” “There was an immediate bond,” Katherine says. “It was a shock to both of us, but we felt connected. I had no problem calling him my dad. I’d waited for him since I was a teenager, for 33 years.”

“We have an adult father-daughter relationship. There’s no baggage, just respect. We enjoy each other. Not everyone gets a happy ending, but I got mine,” Katherine says. Casey says, “She’s a hell of a gal.”

Anonymous Sperm Donation

On Dec 3 2023, Emily Bazelon published an article in the NY Times – LINK>Why Anonymous Sperm Donation Is Over, and Why That Matters. She notes that while activists are trying to end secrecy for sperm and egg donors — it is a campaign that troubles some LGBTQ families.

The article begins with this story (and blogger’s note – I’ve read quite a few others with similar trajectories) –

A few years ago, when he was in his early 30s, Tyler Levy Sniff took a home DNA test he received as a gift. The results revealed a staggering truth: His father wasn’t biologically related to him. Levy Sniff confronted his parents, who explained that after years of trying and failing to have a baby, they turned to a sperm donor. Following the standard advice at the time, they decided not to tell him for fear of driving a wedge into their family.

Levy Sniff felt as if he’d found a key to his identity that he was looking for. “It made sense of why I felt different from my family,” he said recently. He wanted more information about the person he called his “bio father” to understand his genetic heritage. “It was so important to me to know my bio father’s life story, his personality and talents and struggles,” Levy Sniff says.

But by the time he found his donor, through relatives on two genealogy websites, the man had died — another revelation that shattered him, he says. To Levy Sniff, the value of knowing where you come from is self-evident. “A lot of influence comes from your biology,” he says.

Recent findings in behavioral science show the role of genetics in shaping certain individual characteristics. Questionnaires from doctors routinely ask for generations of family medical history. And learning about your genetic ancestry can be emotionally powerful — one reason millions of people buy inexpensive at-home DNA tests and sign up for genealogy websites.

Blogger’s note – in my own roots discovery journey, both Ancestry and 23 and Me, contributed invaluable assistance in my finding my own genetic, biological heritage and connecting with people that I am thus related to, though for over 60 years, neither they nor my self knew of one another. Adoption (both of my parents were adopted) robs us of important knowledge.

Lesbian couples and single parents make up 70 percent of the people who now use sperm donors, according to a 2022 study of an assisted-reproduction clinic. Some of these families fear that disclosure laws will open the door to recognizing biological donors in some way as parents — possibly granting them parental rights and more broadly undermining the legitimacy of LGBTQ families.

In sperm and egg donation, secrecy was the old-school choice — the one that seemed easier to many heterosexual couples as they raised their children. But now it’s nontraditional families who are most nervous about ending the practice of anonymous donation. It’s one thing for parents to choose transparency, but it’s quite another for the state to mandate it — enshrining into law, some fear, the notion that genetics are an essential part of being a family. In many states, if you are part of a couple raising a child, and you never marry or you get a divorce, and your partner wants to sever the connection, you can be deemed a legal stranger to a child you helped raise but with whom you don’t share a genetic tie.

Blogger’s note – Being honest about how one’s children were conceived tends to strengthen parent-child relationships. My family chose that strategy. My husband, our egg donor, and my sons all did 23 and Me DNA testing. That site allows for private communications (should my sons want that) with a donor they have had only minimal physical contact with in the past (several times we have had the opportunity to get together with her and at least one of her children). Thanks to Facebook, I have been able to show my sons photos of the donor and her genetic, biological children over the years – so that they have some sense of these other relationships that may someday be important to them (or not). They seem well adjusted to the reality.