A Grandparent’s Lament

A woman writes that she is heartbroken because her twin grandbabies were recently adopted. I was surprised by how many other grandparents chimed in with similar sadness. They were only 3 days old and she didn’t know if they were still in the hospital. She said I’m so clueless – how could this be done ? Does it get finalized in court ? Does mom have to appear to finalize the adoption ? She has researched it and found the mom has to go to court within 72 hours and appear before the judge to confirm signing off her rights as they are in Tennessee. She notes that her son and the mother are both here at her house hiding in their room. She admits that she hasn’t spoken to them in almost 2 weeks, but also told them they had to find somewhere else to live. She feels that she will never want to speak to my son again and yet that saddens her.

Someone shares her own experience of how these things sometimes proceed – in her case, both were both discharged at the same time, according to the hospital’s typical protocols (48 hours after vaginal birth, 72 after c-section). She notes that the relinquishing parents may have a choice in whether the baby goes straight to the adopters or whether the baby goes to a foster home until the revocation period is over. She had that choice but every state has different laws. In her case, her son actually left the hospital with her (and the social worker was following them in her car). They went to a nearby chapel, where she had a ceremony with the adopters and handed him over to them. This happened 48 hours after birth and she had 7 days to change her mind, after the day she signed the paperwork (which happened 24 hours after birth). She says, “I think you are trying to make sense of what is happening, so I’m sharing my story to try to give you some mental pictures. But the truth is, with every state having different laws and with adoption being such a BUSINESS, the situation with your grand babies might be completely different than what I’ve described.”

Someone notes – Family should always be first. The grandmother admits there are times when children need to be adopted because they are in bad situations but our family is good, and we offered to help but were turned down. And then goes on to share – My son and girlfriend thought they would have a better chance with a family that could love and care for them. Someone that couldn’t have kids and wanted to adopt. Me and my husband told them we would help them care for them, but they wanted to do it! They have other children, I guess they didn’t want to start over again! I wanted them and now I’m so hurt, I didn’t have a granddaughter, now she’s gone.

Someone else shares – I think adoptees need to shout about their experiences. Everyone thinks adoption is the perfect solution but even the adopters are human beings, so they have problems: divorce, addiction, anger, depression, family secrets… it’s just that they don’t share them with social services when they are getting assessed. So everyone thinks they’re perfect and I know they aren’t. In the UK, social workers don’t want to get blamed for missing signs of abuse within the birth family, so they would rather just take babies – just in case. But then, that would mean they need to take everyone’s babies, just in case the woman is with a total idiot who in the future might be abusive. That’s why the system in the UK is overwhelmed and they are crying out for more and more foster carers because they have too many children in the system. I’ve been to 3 court cases now, I got custody of the first child (my granddaughter), the second child was a twin and was a boy (my first grandson) and he was adopted. Then the third and fourth children were both boys and they remain with my daughter with no involvement from the state. I don’t understand why they wanted my first grandson. Nobody was told the day of the adoption hearing. It was kept secret, so nobody could go in and try and revoke it. In the UK, it is impossible to get your babies back when they have been granted adoption, as they take the birth mother’s rights away, in court, immediately.

A grandparent shares – My twin grandbabies are in the system too. I have their older brother. The middle boy got adopted. So unfair. Another asks – Why on earth are all these babies being traumatised??? You would have to get my grandkids adopted over my dead body. Don’t you people realize adoption destroys babies well-being? Traumatizes them??

Someone notes – It is beyond me at this point to understand that people are still willing to destroy families and adopt a child like this. The social narrative about adoption MUST change. These parents were severely misinformed and will regret this the rest of their lives. Another says – Grandparents are left out of the equation. Another noted – Adoption affects the whole family. Yet another says, It happened to me. My 3 grandbabies were adopted. I have not hugged them for 9 years now. And this one is angry – My granddaughters were adopted out too. I hate Child Protective Services. They care more about money than the kids. The adoption agencies are evil too. It’s legalized human trafficking.

Doing A Good Work

A woman writes – I wanted to thank the adoptees in this group for what you have done. (Blogger’s note – I usually do not post a link to that group but if you are wanting to know about it, ask and I will point you in that direction.)

A little about me – I joined the group early this year as a hopeful adoptive parent because I was curious about your perspectives having never really heard them in the mainstream. My personal philosophy is that the internet’s best use is to help platform voices of marginalized people. This group continues to impress me with the rules and moderators who protect adoptees’ voices – in all my perspective-hunting, I have not seen an equal to this group and recommend it to everyone at any mention of adoption. You all taught me SO much.

Earlier this year (about 2 months after joining the group) I learned of a young mother in my area with a 2-year-old and 6-week-old who was homeless. Her parents attempted to weaponize the state against her to take her children. With all your voices in my head, another woman with a heart for our community and I started a group to support our homeless population, with my own focus being the many young mothers with no safety net (we have shelters for single men in my area but nothing for women or children).

Our young mother is now flourishing; she has a home, a job, and a support system. She has a PFA (Protection from Abuse) order against her parents and is legally protected. She wanted to pay it forward, and helped us support another young pregnant woman who was prepared to give up her child – instead, Mom #1 threw her a baby shower and held her hand through every step of the process. Now that baby is thriving happily with his momma, and she wants to help pay it forward to the next mother.

Because of your emotional labor, there are 3 children still with their mothers and a support system in my community to protect future mothers and help struggling ones. There are at least 4 more mothers who thought they couldn’t do it but are now off the streets and have their kids at home with them. Christmas with all these families was an absolute blessing; we were able to get all the kids gifts without their mothers having to dip into their funds. Someone dressed up as Santa to deliver them. A lot of the moms cried because they never expected to see the holidays with their kids.

You made that possible. (Blogger’s note – and any person who has the desire could do as much.)

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Today’s story – The fact that my own family is willing to take me to court just so my child won’t be raised in a gay household feels triggering and judgmental to me.

There’s more – I went from being pregnant and planning to place for adoption, to revoking the agreement on the 29th day (my last day to change my mind), to seeing and connecting with my baby (she’s 3 months old), to now – re-doing the adoption agreement. Blogger’s note – So, such a conflicted mom with a very complicated situation !!

My family is threatening to file for custody to prevent me from placing baby girl for adoption and I keep trying to communicate how HARD it is to make the decision to place for adoption at all. Yet, it’s equally hard to raise a child when you don’t WANT to – [1] The lack of love and [2] The lack of connection and support is…serious. I would love to understand why my biological family members feels it’s soooo vital the child remains with their family.

I don’t want the usual fear-based thoughts such as “They’ll wonder why their parents gave them up“ or “They’ll resent their biological parents” or you as the biological mom may not have contact in the future. What I would like is suggestions that are soul/loving based reasons.

Blogger’s note – I clearly did not entirely understand the original comment – it seems the “gay” household is the hopeful adoptive parents and not the woman who gave birth. Someone responding noted that this person is asking for an answer as to why adoption to strangers would be a negative for their child and for help seeing past their trigger about the hopeful adoptive families’ orientation.

Another notes – It’s not about her “needs”, it’s about what is best for the child. That’s what you do when you have a baby, what’s best for the child. It may be best for her not to raise it, if she’s too selfish to put the child first but that doesn’t mean she should rob this child of a real family. She adds, Please learn about birth control, ABSTINENCE, and abortions. Stop birthing babies and letting them be sold because you don’t “feel like” being a parent.

Another said this – I see you have another child also. If you allow this younger child to be adopted by non-family, your first child will always wonder if she is next. She also seems to have a bond with her sister. Are you willing to break that bond – traumatizing both of them?

Some other responses –

One adoptee – don’t birth kids you don’t want. I for one would have rather been aborted than given up for adoption and I have seen many other adoptees agree with this statement. Then this, you have already set this child up for feelings of being unwanted by its creator, you. You kept a child you birthed already but want nothing to do with this one, who will grow up to be a fully functioning adult human, who will fully understand that you chose to keep one kid but not them. Are you 100% done with having kids? If not, think about how you would feel if the person who created you kept the kids they birthed before and after you; but not you. Please just put yourself in the shoes of your baby and try to empathize with the heartache you are creating for their entire life. I have absolutely no problems with queer couples adopting kids; but if there is ever a chance for family to adopt, even if it is a 3rd cousin you have never met, it is always better to have some kind of familial connection associated with adoption than no familial connection at all. Period.

Another woman said – The TRUTH is scary. You’re going to have to face the fear-based answers to your question, if you’re going to ask questions like this. Adoptees are 4x more likely to attempt suicide than our kept peers. And that’s statistical truth. I know, I was recently hospitalized for suicidal ideation. I’m an adoptee (and mother of loss via Child Protective Services). The truth IS scary. There’s no sugar coating it. Did you also know that adoption changes our DNA ? It’s called epigenetics and it makes us more prone to catastrophic illnesses like cancer or autoimmune disorders. Keeping your child within the family will go a distance to prevent many of these problems for that child. Giving that baby up to strangers is a selfish decision.

Love vs Taking

I’ve had 3 in my life’s relationships (though the worst one was the one where I wasn’t actually married to her son). I have sympathy for anyone dealing with a toxic or even just difficult mother in law. I have great sympathy for this challenged young woman who’s story I share today.

Context: my mom and my MIL have problems with each other stemming from early 2020 because my MIL made so many Child Protective Services (CPS) calls on my mom that my siblings got taken.

Also, I’m Former Foster Care.

I moved back in with my mom temporarily (now permanently but it was supposed to only be temporary) so that my mom could work and have someone look after my siblings. She’s still working on getting my siblings put in daycare and get title 20 so it’s not horribly expensive

Anyway, now my MIL is trying to get my son taken because she is upset that we moved out and in with my mom (who she doesn’t like) and she wants to take my son.

When I first found out I was pregnant she freaked out and said she was going to “apply for custody” (like wtf) and then said all kinds of stuff behind my back while I was pregnant about how she was going to take him and I was going to be a bad mom.

I didn’t want to cut her out and I still don’t want to cut her out because she is his family but I don’t know what to do. She’s making up all kinds of lies about me and taking pictures of my bedroom in her house (which is a mess because she wouldn’t let me put any of my stuff anywhere else and we were in the process of moving our stuff out). I’m afraid that she’s going to get my son taken and I really don’t want him going through what I went through in the foster care system.

My son is very attached to me and I’m attached to him, I love him more than anything and I’m so afraid of losing him. I just knew that she was going to try to do this because she has always been jealous that he is not her baby and has always been critical of me from the very beginning and I’m so scared. I just don’t understand why she wants to mess with my and my son’s life.

I thought this was good advice – I would definitely have your boyfriend put a stop to it (they are not actually married but I had the same perspective of considering a woman my MIL when I was living seriously with someone I wasn’t married to). It’s his mother and he needs to take that responsibility and protect you and your baby. Maybe do what you can to get a place of your own. Since your mom has a CPS case against her, your mil can use that against you as well. So sorry you’re going through this. Might be best to cut ties for awhile until she learns to respect you as the wife/girlfriend of her son and the mother of her grandchild. You have a valid reason to be fearful.

Someone else advised – I think you need to prepare for a CPS investigation. Be prepared to show how he is financially supported. If/when they interview you, stay very calm and resist the urge to criticize your MIL. Say things like “I know she only wants the best for him and of course as his mother, so do I. And the best thing for any child is to be in a safe and stable home with their parents.” You may want to rehearse this.

And sadly, more than one said this but this one is good advice – I had a similar situation. We went to a lawyer. The advice was to completely cut her out so it shows you have no interest in her being in your life. It shows you are doing what’s best for your child as well. It even meant blocking all social media. It worked for us and if CPS shows up, be ready but you can say you have no contact with her.