Too Inconvenient ?

A friend who knows I write this blog, sent me an article about a baby stolen from her family in Korea to feed the demand for adoptable babies in the US. However, I have written about that issue more than once. Below that article was another one that caused me to go – oh Wow !!

Here is that story from Slate by Allison Price – LINK>My Sister-in-Law Asked Us to Adopt Her Twins Because She Missed Her Old Life. Somehow, We Said Yes.

Last year, when our kids were 3 and 4, we decided to explore adoption and/or fostering, as we felt like we still had room and love for more children in our life. Around the same time, my sister-in-law got married and pregnant with twins. She had never expressed much desire to have children and was definitely stressed to discover it was twins. When the twins were about 6 weeks old, they all came to stay with us for a weekend to attend SIL’s friend’s wedding, during which we agreed to watch the babies. They ended up texting around 11 p.m. that they’d had more to drink than they’d planned and the party was still going, so would we mind if they just got a hotel room and we’d keep watching the babies overnight? We were fine with it. The next day, when it was 3 p.m. and they still weren’t back and hadn’t answered any texts, my husband called them. They’d decided to take advantage of sleeping in, had brunch then had a few shops they wanted to check out, and thought it was a nice break from the babies.

Two weeks after the wedding, they asked to come visit us again. They told us that having twins was significantly more difficult than either of them had imagined and they were really missing their previous life and the ability to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. They said they knew we were considering adoption and wondered if we would take in their twins. They thought it would be the best solution as they could continue to see them and be involved in their lives (at their convenience). My husband and I were shocked. We spent the next month talking to them about it more and went to multiple counseling sessions with them. I went to the obstetrician with my SIL to discuss the possibility of postpartum depression affecting everything. The outcome of it all was that they didn’t want to be parents and wanted us to take the kids. Ultimately, we drew up a legal agreement, they surrendered parental rights and we adopted the twins.

We absolutely love the babies and feel like our family is complete now, but I don’t know how to interact with my brother-in-law and SIL anymore. I lost all respect for them when they basically admitted that their kids were an inconvenience they wanted to be rid of. (When we asked what they would do if we didn’t adopt them, they said they were considering other private adoption options.) It’s been a year, and everyone in my husband’s family just acts like what they did was perfectly normal. My BIL and SIL have even asked us not to tell the twins we aren’t their biological parents, which goes against the legal agreement we all signed. We plan to be open and honest with them about how they came to be a part of our immediate family. It’s so bizarre to me that everyone thinks this was a perfectly appropriate thing to do.

Asked advice – Is there a way to discuss this with them?

The Advice Columnist said – First and foremost, it sounds like you need to know whether the terms of your adoption agreement are legally enforceable, or whether some of the terms of the adoption can be changed.

How you talk with your brother-in-law and sister-in-law about disclosing the adoption to the twins needs to come from a well-informed decision that you and your husband make. Adoption can mean a lot of joy, love, and comfort, but it can also mean trauma, confusion, and anger. I foresee a lot of those latter feelings for these twins, knowing that their birth parents (who they will presumably develop a relationship with) saw them as inconveniences to be surrendered.

Keeping this important truth from them—one that is central to their identities—is likely to feel like a betrayal once the twins inevitably find out. You need to do a lot of research on open and kinship adoptions to be sure you’re making the decision that is right for your family and these twins; if you haven’t already, find a support group where you can crowdsource resources and feedback. Then you’ll be able to inform the birth parents and the rest of the family how you will be proceeding regarding disclosing to the twins. Make no mistake: No matter who else in the family has what opinions, this is ultimately you and your husband’s call as the legal parents.

It is a bizarre situation you are in—not just the surrender of the kids, but the supposed blasé attitude of the rest of the family. You sound understandably unclear about how you’re even going to maintain a relationship with your BIL and SIL, given how this has played out. Keep an eye on the family dynamics here; while I hope everyone can exude love and grace around these children and their adoption, I worry that this inauspicious start might signal more drama and discomfort to come. I hope I’m wrong, but that’s all the more reason to find a support group, and maybe also a therapist for you and your husband, to help you make sense of this unique dynamic. Good luck.

One-Sided Relationships

Today’s story – So I’m an adoptee. It was a closed adoption. My birth mother kept me a secret from everyone. Thankfully, due to a search angel and 23 and Me, I was able to find my half brother on my biological father’s side. We have a pretty good relationship.

My question is – why is it that, it seems like if we want to get together, I have to be the one to drive up to his family ? All the times we’ve gotten together, it’s been my 10 year old daughter and I driving 4 1/2 hours to see them ? I’ve invited them down for the last several years to be here for her birthday and they either forget or something comes up and they just don’t respond. Yet they’ll go up to Arkansas, 3-4 times a year, to visit his half brother and now come to find out they are moving there. Also, why is it that none of my other family wants to come up and meet them ?

I thought finding him would fill some whole but the fact is it didn’t. I feel more isolated and unattached to everyone more than ever. Is this a common thing ? Is it me ? Am I not good enough or am I just crazy with unrealistic hopes ?

One response noted – lots of people are one sided in their relationships – I have a cousin who, every time I drive to California (6 hours from my home), expects us to drive an additional 2 hours to see him/his family from wherever we are (and will never drive to meet us, where we are). However, every time he comes to Arizona (every few months – makes sure no one knows he/his family are in town, until after he leaves and makes excuses as to why he didn’t reach out). I made this the year I stop putting in all the effort. If a relationship is one-sided, then I am done doing it all. I haven’t talked to either of my two close friends since June, due to this kind of situation. I stopped being the one doing all the calling and planning. I find there is something freeing and I am now focusing my energy elsewhere.

Yet another notices the same thing – some people do a poor job thinking about how their actions (or lack of) affect others. I’ve see this “one way” effort, so so so many times, in all types of family dynamics. That is not to excuse the behavior but to say you’re not unrealistic, your feelings are 100% valid on this, there’s NOTHING wrong with you (you ARE enough) – I’m so sorry for that added pain and heart ache and I hate to report this behavior is not uncommon.

One adoptee shared – I hate this because I’ve been experiencing something similar with my biological family members. They even all got together this summer for two months and didn’t even bother to let me know. They choose to prioritize each other because that’s who they consider “family” and I’m still just the one begging to be acknowledged and invited, where all the effort falls on me or else everyone fades away. But I still will be doing it, flying out there for the holidays this year, even though I have considerably worse health problems than everyone else and don’t even have a steady income right now, because I don’t want to let the opportunities pass me by, and because I don’t have my own real “family”. So I guess I’ll settle for whatever crumbs I’m given. It really sucks, though. And then I feel bad for not just being grateful I get to have any contact with them at all, when so many never get that chance. It’s all so sick and unnatural and I’m so sorry you also have to experience anything like this.

A mom who surrendered a child to adoption answers – the only question of yours that I can answer is that you are definitely “good enough”. I’m so sorry you’re feeling isolated and unattached. I just wanted you to know YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Another adoptee writes – I struggle with this too. I don’t know how or where we fit. It’s confusing. Sometimes I think it’s harder for them to come to your territory. It’s scary for them. I always went to my birth family’s home to visit too.

A therapist notes – this is not about you. You are good enough. I cannot fathom what it is like to find family you never knew existed and what that means to them. So we do not know what motivates their behavior. You could ask for what you want and see what happens. That is a risk. Regardless, it all feels bad and I am sorry for that.

One adoptive parent notes – I was raised by my biological mother and she treats me this way. Sometimes people just suck at peopling. And being good family members. Or being nurturing and understanding. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to feel this way.

Another adoptee writes – You’re not alone. When I found my paternal side over a year ago, my half brother’s widow and her children seemed so happy I found them. They thought they had no family on that side. I was it. We texted, they sent dozens of pics, they couldn’t wait to meet me. Now there is zero interest. When I comment on a rare Facebook posting by the kids or send a text to my sister-in-law, I get either nothing or a brief text back. I guess I knew this would happen. But it still makes me feel back to being someone without a family.

Another adoptee shares a COVID experience – I found my biological dad through Ancestry or 23 and Me about 5 yrs ago and thought we have a great relationship but I had to go to him first – 3 times. Over 3,000 miles, one way, twice and closer the first time because he happened to be near me but I finally put my foot down. He travels about 5-6 times a year – at least – and to extravagant places we could never afford – for weeks at a time. I take 1 week a year of vacation, if I’m lucky, so I said I have other places I want to go and I’ve visited 3 times (and paid the costs of travel) and so, it’s their turn. Every time he offered, I said “your turn”. I was kind of surprised when they finally agreed and came. So when he and his wife did finally come, he got COVID and was super sick – so it was only a 2 day visit until that happened. I do hope they come again. He’s older and I don’t want regrets but also, like you, I want to be wanted. It’s not that much to ask really. Set your boundaries. I think we set ourselves up for being walked on by not expecting give and take. Keep saying “your turn”, when invited, and see what happens. It took a while on my end but it happened because I didn’t budge. Sometimes I hear of them traveling a lot closer to me and not suggesting we connect – which sucks – but I keep setting how I want to be treated and try not to let any slights be absorbed. I’m not chasing love anymore. I am enough and so are you.

One male adoptee shares – My birth father lives about 3 hours from me and we have yet to meet in person. We have exchanged emails but he doesn’t seem too enthusiastic to meet up. I mean, I kind of get it. I was a mistake that a 15 year old and a 16 year old made. I have met my birth mother and she was happy to meet me. Sperm donor ?, maybe, not so much a father.

Yet another adoptee notes – as the adoptee, it is on us to do All The Things, Forever. We are used to adjusting, to making room, to accommodating everyone else. The people we find may fill a hole in our lives, but to them we’re “extra”, not “missing.” And we’re expected to “understand”, whenever we are abused or forgotten.

Someone else noted – There could be a lot of reasons, most of which boil down to: he likes and cares about you, but doesn’t feel as strongly about your relationship as you do. Maybe it is limited time/money for travel, so he uses it on the family he feels closer to/has longer relationships with. He’s probably still very happy for you to visit but unwilling to change his priorities enough to come to you.

It sounds like he feels about you the same way I feel about some of my cousins – happy to see them, interested in their lives, but we’re not super close and don’t spend the time/money to see each other often. The difference is that we all feel the same way, so there’s no pain from unequal investment in the relationship.

It sucks, and I’m sorry. It sounds very much like having the depth/strength of sibling bond you want and deserve is something that adoption has taken from you. It’s not your fault, and it’s not fair.

Kinship Care Providers

Kinship care refers to the care of children by relatives or, in some jurisdictions, close family friends (often referred to as fictive kin). Relatives are the preferred resource for children who must be removed from their birth parents because it helps maintain the children’s connections with their families, increases stability, and overall minimizes the trauma of family separation.

LINK>ChildWelfare.gov has a page related to this. Resources on changing family dynamics, financial and legal supports, and permanency. A page reviews State laws and policies that allow a family member or other person with close ties to a child who has been placed in out-of-home care to become that’s child’s permanent guardian.

Guardianship has emerged as a permanency option for a child who has been placed in out-of-home care as it creates a legal relationship between a child and caregiver that is intended to be permanent and self-sustaining and can provide a permanent family for the child without the necessity of terminating the parents’ parental rights. A guardian’s rights and duties, approving a guardianship home, modifying or revoking a guardianship, and kinship guardianship assistance are among the issues addressed.

There is a section that shares stories and advice from caregivers and birth parents who have experienced kinship care on the importance of maintaining boundaries, managing family dynamics, building trust, positive parenting and communication, and securing support.

I Just Want To Know Why

The story of LINK>Penelope Cumler from the Right To Know website.

She was the youngest of 6 children – her father an ordained minister and her mother a housewife, then a teacher, then a nurse. Her parents “fought a lot. There was little affection, considerable distrust, and a general sense of chaos and hopelessness. Resentments and anger always seemed to simmer close by. Financial hardships that didn’t make sense for educated, middle class parents, and the shame of this that must be hidden.”

At 32, she begged her father to tell her why he didn’t like her—had never liked her. He became angry. He denied that he treated her differently, and told her to grow up, adding “What’s wrong with you, anyway?” And then, her father dropped dead of a heart attack, and then she was blamed for “causing trouble”. She just wanted to know why the whole family shunned her. It never seemed to be about her, about who she was, or her behavior. It was just her existence. Her presence.

Ten years later, she remembered visiting a cabin by the sea and playing with a little boy who was 3 years younger than she was. She asked her mother, “who that man was that we visited at his cabin by the sea. Why did we visit him?” The first time, she said he was just a family friend. “But…”, she began to say. And then something entirely unthought came out of her mouth before she could even consider it. “Was he my father?” Without meeting her gaze, her mother answered, “Why would you think that? That is crazy. You’re crazy.”

Several years later, she was in her fifties by now and her mother was in her 80s. She tried asking again but this time her mother surprised her by how strong her reaction was – “You’re abusing me! Stop abusing me!” Before leaving her after that visit, she couldn’t even look at her mother, couldn’t give her a hug goodbye. Then her mother died.

Then, she shares how she finally got her answer – Four years later, working in the garden on an autumn day, the name of the son of the man in the cabin by the sea, with whom I had played as a little girl, fell into my head like the whisper of a ghost in my ear. Within minutes I found him on social media. Within hours he responded. Within ten sentences sent back and forth he asked, “Can I be honest with you?” and then, “You are my half-sister.”

All she had ever wanted was the truth, a truth she had the right to know, a truth consciously and aggressively denied her. She notes – The universe seems to be tapping more frequently and insistently lately, “Tell your story, tell the truth, get it out there…and let it go.” She admits – “I feel surprisingly unaffected by the shame my parents must have felt. I attribute this to the sense that I never felt cared for and didn’t trust them and, because they showed me no mercy, I have no sympathy for how their reputations may suffer.” She believes that finally knowing the truth has in many ways saved her life.

The Entire Family Is Responsible

I have blogged about this before. A ruling related to the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA) is still pending before the U S Supreme Court with Brackeen v Haaland. There is a lot more about the history preceding this at George Takei’s LINK>The Big Picture. Excerpts below but please do read the linked article.

Family fostering is the norm in Indian Country, but states don’t recognize that fact. Your father’s brother is also your father, not your uncle. His children are your siblings, not cousins. Your mother’s sister is also your mother, not your aunt. Her children are your siblings, not cousins. Everyone you share blood with or who marries into the family is your cousin with no distinction between first, second, third, etc… Older cousins as well as your father’s sisters and your mother’s brothers are your aunties and uncles.

At any time for any reason, an Indigenous child can go stay with any one of their family Elders, other fathers or mothers, aunties, uncles or cousins. No advance notice or permission is required because it’s understood the entire family is responsible for child welfare, not just the birth parents.

White-centric standards are applied to evaluations of Indigenous family dynamics, living situations and cultural practices by a dominant culture with a long history of defining their own culture as “normal” and any deviations as unacceptable. The original purpose of ICWA was to address the harm caused by the federal government’s assimilation efforts—the removal of children from their culture. But assimilation was viewed by the majority White population as a benefit to Indigenous peoples because it dealt with the supposed savages humanely.

“I’m sick of White Christians adopting our babies and rejoicing. It’s a really sad day when that happens. It means the genocide continues. If you care about our babies, advocate against the genocide. Help the actual issues impacting Indigenous parents, stop stealing our babies and changing their names under the impression you are helping. White saviors are the worst!”
~ Minnesota Indigenous Democratic state Representative Heather Keeler [Yankton Sioux]

The survival of Indigenous peoples in the United States is always dependent on the next generation. The tribes have survived—against overwhelming odds—a series of government sanctioned genocides. It’s time for the weaponization of foster care against Indigenous peoples to end.

Choosing To Take That Risk

An adoptee offers a word of warning – to any hopeful adoptive parent who now wants to adopt, even though they already have biological kids:

Biological and adopted kids *should not be mixed*. Period.

Even if *you* believe you can treat your biological and adopted child equally (which is pretty fu****g rare), you cannot control how your biological child will treat their adopted sibling.

As somebody who has been treated absolutely *horrifically* by my adoptive mom’s biological kids, this has actually been the worst trauma of all, when it comes to my adoption.

And if you’re about to say “that isn’t always the case,” just stop for a second and consider these 2 things:

1. I don’t need to hear your “not all” bs, when I’m discussing the outright abuse I have experienced at the hands of my siblings, acquired by having been adopted.

2. If there is even a *miniscule* chance that your adopted child could experience what I have, and you wanna go through with it anyways, then you are selfish and careless. Imagine knowing that there is a possibility that your biological child may abuse or mistreat your adopted child, and you still chose to take that risk with a child’s life ?

And just today, I learned this statistic – even among biological siblings, sibling abuse is 5 times more common than spousal or parental abuse – it is actually the most common form of domestic abuse. And yet, adoptees also have an added layer of mental/emotional trauma due to having been relinquished by their original parents. The obvious difference between having been actually born to and having been brought into a family from different parents and circumstances is real and should not be dismissed.

One of those biological kids admits – Even though I love love love my adopted siblings and dote on them as much as possible, it does not erase the resentment. I resent them for “taking” my parents away and they resent us for being born to the family. They will NEVER know I resent them and even my parents don’t, but mixing adopted kids with biological kids is brutal on both sides. Then, goes on to give some additional context – 1) my siblings are far too young to have any idea & 2) I don’t feel upset that I’m not adopted. I do have a completely normal jealousy, at times, that they take attention away from me, since they’re the center of attention for the whole family. And I recognize that there will be obvious friction between me and the younger siblings, though it is not there at this present moment. In the future? Absolutely. And tries to clarify this – the resentment is towards my parents, the jealousy is towards my adopted siblings. Very different feelings. I never said the suffering on both sides was equal. Mine is typical sibling jealousy. My adopted siblings have a deep rooted trauma and a robbing of their history. I am working through it. I was already 19, when my younger adopted siblings moved in. My work is understanding that my parents don’t love/care about them more. They are simply young and traumatized. They require more care than I do. I am learning to understand the truth that I don’t need my parents as much as I often feel I do. I have an anxious attachment style with rejection sensitivity, a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life, so I am learning how that affects the way I feel about my parents.

So, the honest truth is – a HUGE percentage of adoptive parents WILL show favoritism towards their biological child, over their adopted child, whether they mean to or not. And the extended family treats them differently as well.

This, from experience – I would go as far to say, even if the adoptive parents have grown biological children. I freely tell people that I was adopted from foster care. I don’t normally share that when my adoptive parents died, their will left me in the custody of their eldest son and his family. Truth is, none of their three adult children ever agreed their parents should adopt me. When they died, I was kicked out of their son’s house and was told “nice to know you, you’re on your own now.” Adoption has so many layers that no one thinks about. And every time a hopeful adoptive parent or adoptee still in “the fog” (believing in the feel good narratives about adoption) counters a trauma or negative experience with their own beliefs, it not only insults and minimizes the pain they are responding to, but also minimizes the INFINITE number of situations they couldn’t possibly know about. Please stop pushing back against people with the lived experience who are trying to prevent even more trauma, by sharing your own limited experiences.

An Inconvenient Truth

Adoption is not the gray area it is often portrayed by the industry as. It is more black and white, with that overlap of gray.

As difficult as it may be to fully realize, in order to adopt, on some level you are okay with taking someone else’s child from them. You may not even be willing to consider the pain it causes the original mother and/or father.

This the inconvenient truth at the heart of becoming an adoptive parent. You may want to “believe” you are some kind of heroic savior but you really are simply wanting something (a child) that for whatever reason you don’t believe you can have any other way.

Some people can do this and function adequately to parent that child. Many adoptees, even though they have LIVED that condition, can’t reconcile the thought that this was okay with their adoptive parents.

This is not to judge or dismiss the reality that some children may actually fare better than they would have with their original parents. I can see this in my own family dynamics. Because I have the kind of faith that believes given a long enough view throughout time, it all works out – both at the physical level and in the soul karmic level.

There are always excuses on the part of adoptive parents. What if this ? What if that ? But I did this or I did that. If I had not, then what MIGHT have happened to that child ?

I respect ALL of the adoptive parents that are a part of my family’s life story. The adoption reform movement wishes only that adoptive parents recognize that their decision to adopt a child was driven by a desire to fulfill their own “selfish” motives. To be honest about that. They can admit simply that they wanted kids and couldn’t have them using their own reproductive capabilities. It was always about what they personally wanted for themselves.

It’s not the only thing that would make adoption concepts more honest but it is a beginning on the adoptive parent side of a complicated equation.