Looking at the demands on my time for the week, this may be my last opportunity to write a blog for this space until next week.
In thinking about what I could write and the upcoming holiday, which is much on a lot of people’s minds, including my own – I thought I would list a few from the years I have been writing this blog.
Be thankful if your biological, genetic family is intact. No disruptions, no family separations, no taking of children away or fleeing domestic violence. You may even be in a minority number, if you can claim all of that.
If you were the recipient of adoptive parents, be thankful if yours have been kind, attentive and generous with you. I’ve read enough horror stories to know that is NOT how it always turns out.
Be thankful if you actually know where your genetic, biological ancestors came from. I was over 60 years old before I knew this about mine – or for that matter, even who “mine” were.
Be thankful if you knew your family medical history and what your vulnerabilities are. I still don’t know mine 100% but until I was over 60 years old, I could only say – we don’t know, both of my parents were adoptees.
Be thankful if your parents were actually “there” for you, if you got in trouble – found yourself pregnant out of marriage often with uncertainty about who the actual father of your child was.
Be thankful if you were able to get an abortion, during the decades it was legal. You often don’t know how much access to that might matter, until you need such services. Exceptions mean nothing to a doctor who fears doing one under such allowances might still jeopardize his future.
Be thankful if you have adequate shelter and running water – I have experienced a lack of both in my lifetime.
I know, that if I continue to ponder this, I could come up with at least a few more. Not all but most of the above are based directly on my personal knowledge, related to my own or a genetic, biological family member’s experience.
You could try creating your own list – whether you are an adoptee, a first/natural parent who was unable to raise their genetic, biological child for whatever reason, or an adoptive parent. It is said we should always count our blessings.
Today’s concerned question – Does it benefit a child in any way if they are adopted right before aging out of the foster system?
I happened upon my state’s adoption directory, which is disgusting because it lists HUMAN children as if they’re shelter dogs. Like, what the fuck? Oh, and of course all the children are POC and/or disabled because saintly wealthy white adoptive “angels” don’t want anything but healthy white infants.
What caught my eye was that there’s a Muslim teenage boy “looking for a home”. We’re a Muslim family. Of course, I don’t know his whole story. But he will be out of the system in a year or so. I don’t believe you magically know how the world works or can survive in your own when you hit 18. I’ve heard of this concept of adopting teens who are about to age out, so they have a home base/landing pad as they become legal adults. As a Muslim, we have no concept of adoption as Islam holds that adoption in the western sense takes advantage of orphans and erases the heritage of children. Would pursuing adoption for this child benefit him in any way? What if I financially supported him to find distant family, college enrollment, career development etc.? Or even just a home to celebrate Ramadan and both Eid’s in, as I doubt he’s in a Muslim home placement?
One response – Does it have to be adoption? Could you offer him guardianship in your state? Or even foster him instead so he has a Muslim household to go to?
Another notes – He’s old enough that you can ask him what he prefers. And another agrees and suggests – Present him with information and let him choose his future. And yet another – See what he wants to do and find out your options.
One advises – there are probably financial benefits for him, such as insurance, maybe help with tuition, stuff like that… Since he is an older child you could take him in and explore those things and give him a chance to decide if that is the choice that he wants.
Another shares – My former sister in law did this with one of her students. But she became his guardian and didn’t adopt. I’m not sure how they came to that arrangement, but he became part of the family as a teenager and she calls him her son. They supported him financially and he was able to get lots of scholarships all the way through grad school because he wasn’t adopted.
One who experienced foster care as a youth writes – NO to adoption or “permanent” placement. I was “placed” at 17 and 1 month away from aging out. The state decided I didn’t need any help related to foster care after that. I wasn’t eligible for ANYTHING related to being in care. I ended up homeless shortly after. This kid will lose transitional assistance if adopted or “permanently” housed.
One adoptive parent wrote – Check with the agency and your state in terms of what support they receive through young adulthood, if you adopt or not. The FAFSA for federal aid for education now has a question that asks if the student has been in foster care at any time after the age of 13, and if so they are considered independent and eligible for more aid than when parents income is considered. But consider what age they will have health insurance – if you have employer insurance that allows you to add them and continue to age 26, then that could be a big help to a young adult, if their state based medical insurance would end sooner. It varies by state whether there is any support available for foster youth between ages 18-21.
One adoptive parent noted – In California, he will be eligible for more aid from the state, if he is not adopted. However, the idea of your family including him in celebrations and becoming a source of cultural, religious, and emotional support is lovely.
A CASA volunteer shares – he may benefit more from supervised independent living thru age 21, if available. You could offer to be a resource as a place to go during college breaks and holidays, without making a formal arrangement. He might then consider/ask to be adopted as an adult. There may be certain advantages to not having to claim your income as household income, when it comes to services and educational expense.
An adoptive parent through foster care writes – I wish we had a federal system with normed supports to give you a concrete answer. You need to do some homework to see what is available in your specific state and region via options. Many regions offer more supports without adoption, such as transitional housing, college support, stipends, etc, where even guardianship would not be his best option. Other areas children loose all supports at 18, if not in care, but keep medical and a stipend until 23, if adopted as a teen. (I wish that wasn’t the case but it is in some places). I would just reach out to the case worker and not mention ANYTHING about the type of permanency and just start the conversation with that you are a Muslim home and would love to support. Some case workers will push adoption, so just get your foot in the door with some real conversations on how you can support him before mentioning your concerns about adoption. Having people in your corner to talk to, lean on, and celebrate with, would be an amazing support in and of itself.
A foster parent shares her experience with an orphaned teen. She is also a former CASA. They may well get more benefits, if they age out. It depends what they need or want to do, as to if it matters in their particular situation. As an example, I know a 17 yo wanting to go to four year private college, then grad school after that. If they are listed as independent, no parents, they very likely will get more in scholarships for both schools. If they are adopted, even after aging out, they’d no longer be considered independent, then the graduate school they want to attend would then require the parent assets and income information in considering private scholarships. Some scholarships are still available, if a foster kid is adopted at age 17. Others are not. It really depends what they want to do. Adoption means if the adopters pass away, the kid will inherit what they had but that can be done with wills and trusts, if you want to leave them anything should you pass away.
Another person who spent time in foster care and then was adopted notes – The aid at the state level is universally better and there are new federal aid packages that have lowered the minimum age and raised the limit for aid for people who have ever been in foster care. The foster care alumni association used to have some awesome resources. I would not participate in formal adoption but rather open your home as one resource (but don’t be offended, if they don’t accept). I had several home bases that filled different voids my adopted mom had but those relationships are since no longer a part of my life by my choice.
This image came from a site FOR adoptions – LINK>Absolute Love Adoptions. I would agree with the author, Kathryn Russell, that is often simply a failure of the expectations around any adoption. I arrived there simply looking through google for an image to illustrate today’s blog.
In my all things adoption group, this story was conveyed from a ‘failed adoption group’ (I suppose intended as a support for such circumstances). The one experiencing this writes – “I just experienced my second failed adoption a week and a half ago. After taking baby home from the hospital and having her for two weeks, her birth mom changed her mind. I’m so incredibly mad. Mad at the system that provides little to no protection for adoptive parents. I’m mad at the people around the birth mom who encouraged her to parent her baby. And I’m mad at her for choosing to be selfish and do what’s best for her and not what’s best for her child. This is all so raw for me. I’m mad and I’m bitter. And to be honest, after this second failed adoption, I will not try again. My heart cannot take it.”
The person who shared this noted – “This person managed to hit almost ALL the Narcissistic Savior hopeful adoptive parent (HAP) statements …. Showing how most HAP’S ‘Really Feel’… as they sweet talk expectant mom’s like they are going to be ‘one big family’…. vs the reality that many closing “open” adoptions before the adoptee reaches the age of 3….”
A heroine in the group, who is the paternal grandmother of a little girl, who is now reunited with her, after an illegal adoption attempt that took place without the father’s consent (who is understandably now a Fathers Rights Advocate) comments – “Good! Don’t try again. You being mad that she wanted to parent HER child! You calling HER selfish! You presuming you know what’s “best” for the child shows you know NOTHING and are completely unqualified to be a parent natural or otherwise… just don’t have a child AT ALL..” She adds – “I think the revocation period should be extended not shortened. And fathers need to be ON BOARD 100%, and the mothers should not be allowed to lie about fathers without consequences.”
In response to her, the original poster commented – another Poster on the failed adoption group thread complained about having to “give her baby back after 6 MONTHS”. Because the father changed HIS mind at the last minute (yet, the agency still placed baby with ‘HAP’s)….and the baby’s DAD had the nerve to “Give Her Baby” to his Sister to raise….once she went back with them. The very Nerve !
Note !! parenting Your Own Baby is Not being selfish ! And support should be available to those wishing to parent ! No one that posted seems to understand that the agencies are the ones ‘keeping their money’. Not the birth parents ! (remember the reimbursement for living expenses is a ‘gift’ with no strings) and is small change compared to the agency fees.
From a domestic infant adoptee who was taken during the LINK>Baby Scoop Era (which started after the end of World War II and ended somewhat around 1972) – “While I can understand her disappointment and grief in not getting what she was expecting, she definitely needs to do a lot of work on herself. She is definitely not anywhere ready to parent anyone. I see this kind of reaction far too often. People need to understand that babies are not property to be bought and sold. I see people commenting that parents should not be able to keep their babies, if they have indicated that they are interested in placing. I worry that adoption laws will be changed making it legal for irrevocable contracts to be made pre-birth.”
To which another adoptee replied – I so wish my teenage mom would have been allowed the opportunity to parent me, her mother wouldn’t “allow it.” In turn, I was a 30 week premie, given to an unstable couple (adoptive dad did sexual abuse – they divorced 2 years after I was born) and a “loving adoptive mother” who told me how much I cost them when I was only 3.5 years old.
A mother who lost her baby to adoption (she was also a baby scoop infant adoptee) notes – I tried to change my mind when he was born. I had both the agency director and the AM on the phone with me (this was 1990) telling me that I just couldn’t do that to them. I had happened to pick their file literally on the day they put it back in active rotation, after the previous “birthmom” changed her mind after birth. I was told I would be destroying them, if I kept my baby.
She follows up with this rest of the story – both my son’s dad and I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of it. It’s been years of healing. My son is married now, with a baby of his own (best grand baby in the world). They chose to put down roots half an hour from me. His adoptive parents moved him 8 hours away, when he was 9. I only got to see him once from ages 9-17. They still live there. Now, I am the one who gets to babysit and dog sit and see them whenever I want. His daughter is growing up with no distinction between who he was raised with or not. My other kids (I had 4 more, years after him) are just aunts and uncles and I’m just grandma. It feels like the universe is righting itself, and I am so, so grateful to him.
An adoptee noted – Interesting how all their coercion tactics revolved around their feelings but not the wellbeing of the child. Which is so grossly typical of HAPs.
Another adoptee said – There should be a MINIMUM of a one year period in which mothers (or fathers) can change their mind. If we did away with adoption completely and required cases in which adoption would normally take place – to be placed as a guardianship or joint custody – this would be a non-issue because the parents could always access visitation rights and an ability to get their child back, when they are ready. Protection should never be for adoptive parents. Ever.
Another added – for that year, financial support should be provided, affordable childcare should be a guarantee, and any other obstacles should be removed – so that parents can make the informed decision regarding whether or not relinquishment is truly the solution.
An adoptee fostered from birth and then into a forced adoption at the age of 10 says – if a carer/HAP ever did less than the agreed-to (contracted in an OPEN adoption), the first parents have the legal right to reunite with their child(ren) and rescind any previous relinquishment. I mean, if we are asking for “pie in the sky” protections, that one has gotta be in there. The amount of times that a previously open adoption slams closed is astounding and calls into question the adoptive parents ability to properly parent, in truth and with the child’s best interests at the forefront.
Response to a FORMER hopeful adoptive parent – You help families avoid being separated. It’s ok to admit we were FHAP. We did the research and learned and grew and changed our minds. We thought it was a good deed, now we know better. We were wrong.
She notes – I’m here exactly for the same reason as you. I don’t even have a husband lol and was nowhere near ready to adopt but thought about it as something maybe in the future, like in 10 years and thought it should be an older child too. I think it’s helpful for HAP to see how many FHAPs are in this space.
Another person says this – isn’t this a really heinous misuse of “failed adoption” ? I thought that failed adoption referred to an adoption that is disrupted/terminated by the adoptive parents, leaving the child without guardians/parents – as in, the adoption itself failed as an outcome. Calling it a “failed adoption” because a family was able to stay intact is just so backwards and wrong, it just didn’t happen because it was no longer necessary. Like having a surgery to save somebody’s leg and calling it a “failed amputation” ?
Another mom who lost her baby to adoption – I have often thought that if only I had had someone, one person, who would have encouraged me to parent my baby, I never would have given him up back in 1973. Months later, my then sis in law said to me, “you had a chance at motherhood which you were ready for and you turned it down”. This wasn’t said in a loving way, she was listing all the things I was doing wrong in my life, and that was one. But at the time, she never said anything about how I was really ready to be a mom.
Another one agreed – same – I wanted to parent so desperately but no one around me encouraged or supported that choice.
The original poster notes that the failed adoption group – is full of Unfulfilled Hap’s showing exactly how they ‘Really’ feel about Expectant Mom’s, Mom’s who change their minds. The Mom’s friends, Families and group such as this who step forward to assist Mom’s ( and Dad’s) to parent. She hit almost all the visceral reactions / opinions of Many HAP’S and AP’s…. who will act like an expectant mom’s BFF until the revoke period ends.. And they believe ‘laws need to be put in place’. To ‘protect HAP’S’ from loosing their money and getting their hearts broken. Keep in mind that many HAP’S have ‘Go Fund Me accounts etc….’ Something the expectant mom’s are not able to do. Also the number of these HAP’S complaining that their beautiful nursery and clothes are ‘going to waste’ and will need to be sold….. (How many expectant mom’s who parented had the HAP’S leave so much as a car seat or filled diaper bag?) How many expectant mom’s who decided to parent have had Child Protective Services called on them by HAP’S and the adoption agency? Sadly – Many ….
People with money will buy a baby. A wealthy couple suffering infertility will find a young woman who is expecting and offer to trade support during the pregnancy for the baby at the end. One of their conditions was that they be present at all of her doctor’s appointments. In the case of today’s story, they also offered a sympathetic “support” person. This was the man’s sister who had gone through a teen pregnancy when she was 17. She is now 24 years old and raising her 7 year old son.
This sister never had to consider giving up her baby. Her parents supported her so well, she didn’t even have to think about going to work after her baby’s birth. So this support person asked the pregnant young lady how much money she would need to keep and raise her baby. She did the math. It was very conservative and even included a schedule for repayment. Then this support person said I will give you everything you are asking for and then some – more baby supplies and more rent money. She offered to pay for vocational training for this young expectant mother after delivery. And she would not have to pay anything back, though she insisted that she would.
Long story short – she backed out of her adoption agreement with the couple. Of course, they are not only heartbroken but mad at his sister for her intervention. The young woman had to block the couple and the sister had to move away to stop their harassment. The sister simply could not allow this young woman who wanted to keep her baby to loose it. She asks, Am I the asshole for screwing up my brother’s adoption ? Of course not.
It is so wrong that hopeful adoptive parents are able to be given rights to view medical records and allowed at doctor’s appointments. It is a violation of HIPAA and the right to privacy, even if the mom signs a waiver. Being present for these visits is so coercive. Income shouldn’t be a determining factor in parenthood. So many mothers who lose their children had no option to keep them and no one to help them keep their baby.
One comment asked – When a human is in need, but gives no sign of not wanting their child, how does anyone deliberately separate them from their child and still sleep at night ? This couple found the expectant mother in a Facebook Buy Nothing group. These are often referred to as grey market adoptions.
There are so many hopeful adoptive parents, adoption lawyers, baby brokers etc all focused solely on getting babies. Not one of these ever bothers to ask the mother if they *want* their child or inquire how little the financial cost would be, to actually to keep the mother and child together.
Came across some thoughts. Just passing them along.
To the thought that adoption equals indentured servitude, one adoptee said – It started as permanent indentured servitude and nothing has changed except the marketing. In answer to that, someone else said – Until the law changes, hopeful adopters can choose guardianship or (not quite as good) choose NOT to amend the birth certificate per this LINK>google doc on State Laws.
The perspective from an adoptive parent, who adopted from foster care, and who is also the sister of an adoptee – The problem with guardianship is it varies so much on what it provides and how it functions. Part of me wonders if that is by design – make it so onerous that it’s the less desirable option.
Washington state recently passed a law that forbids children to be removed from a placement – if that placement is willing to provide LINK>minor guardianship but not adoption. This was specifically done with kinship in mind – apparently children used to be removed from willing kin placements to be put up for adoption, if a grandmother didn’t want to make her grandchild, her child, on paper.
Under a guardianship, the youth loses the benefits they would keep if they had been adopted or remained in foster care, including medical benefits. Guardians can apply for cash support but it is SUCH a complex process and many people don’t qualify. Her perspective is that it makes guardianship only possible for a specific socioeconomic group – and less possible for kin. Like with adoption, a teen must consent. The system leaves many teens frightened that guardianship means no more stability than foster care – with less oversight.
This adoptive parent would love to see a streamlined guardianship process that is a federal/legal mechanism. One that conveys the same parental rights and responsibilities towards minors that adoption does, while simultaneously banning any birth certificate amendments, legal name changes and still preserves legal ties to all genetic family members.
From the daughter of an orphan and an anti-adoption activist – someone saying that “in guardianship the youth lose benefits that they would keep in foster care” – that is the whole point of guardianship and adoption – to transfer financial responsibility from the state to the guardian or adopter! The adopter or guardian puts the child on their medical plan, feeds them, clothes them etc. The government does provide adoption incentive payments and tax credits and sometimes Medicaid for children with complex medical needs because its still cheaper than having the kid remain in foster care. If guardians or adopters ever lose their jobs and can’t support the kids they took in, they can go on welfare, just like the families the kids were taken away from.
The federal government is betting that won’t happen. The federal government has started offering states Title IV funding for achieving ‘permanency’ through guardianship but it is a relatively new development. Title IV refers to federal student aid in which there is a demonstrable financial need to be able to attend public, private nonprofit and proprietary schools. Attendees of these colleges can receive student loans, grants or enter a work-study program.
Hopefully, guardianship would help stop the bullying of people into adoption. Some persons make guardianship sound like it is not as good as adoption for money related reasons. It is outrageous that ‘the system’ is manipulating teens into believing that adoption offers them more stability and oversight than foster care. Foster care meets their needs until they reach the age of 18. They have a right to facilitated visitation with their family. They can’t be moved out of the county where their family resides. They can’t be homeschooled or forced to participate in their caregiver’s religion. They don’t have to call their caregivers “mom” or “dad” and their care givers are not legally allowed to refer to them as their son or daughter. Their caregivers have to take them to mainstream doctors and dentists. They are assigned a caseworker to monitor the safety and appropriateness of the placement. If they are abused in a foster home, they can sue the state and be awarded damages. They always have the right to be returned to live with their family – if it ever becomes safe and however possible – even after their parents rights have been terminated – ONLY if they have NOT been adopted.
Child Protective Services pushes for adoption in order to meet quotas. They receive bounty payments when the meet federal government requirements for completing placements into adoptions. When kids age out of foster care, they age out with their rights intact and there are many programs and scholarships available to them as former foster youth. These would not be available to them, if they are adopted or obtain a guardian. With both guardianship and adoption, the child loses the oversight of the state. The state is freed from the liability related to what happens to the person in the adoptive home or at the hands of the guardian, if any abuse occurs.
At least with guardianship, the youth remains a member of their family with all kinship rights intact – permanently. The guardian has to do the job of a parent without the title. Legally a child is entitled to the same level of care and support from a guardian that they would receive from an adoptive parent, only they won’t lose their kinship in their family and they can return to their parents, if the situation improves. The guardian does not have a right to keep the person permanently. A guardian also is not allowed to exploit a child in their care, the way an adopter can (such as putting them on Youtube and profiting off filming their every move, as so many adopters and parents do these days). Adopting without changing the birth certificate is not as good as guardianship but it is vastly better than adopting and changing the birth certificate for those who are forced to adopt their kin, rather than serve as guardians.
From an editorial by Dr Ruchi Fitzgerald in LINK>The Hill – It is unimaginable to think that seeking medical care could lead to losing custody of their children, yet this devastating predicament is all too real for pregnant women with addiction in the United States.
In our nation, the systems that aim to protect children from the negative effects of parental substance use often prioritize punitive approaches over proven public health strategies. Fear of being imprisoned, stigmatized, or having their children removed makes many pregnant women with substance use disorder (SUD) afraid to seek medical care, contributing to poor maternal health outcomes. Some state laws, including the law in Illinois where I practice medicine, even mandate that health care professionals report cases of detected controlled substances in a newborn infant as evidence of child neglect. While the federal Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA) has no such requirement, CAPTA’s overall approach has led to significant variation in how states, counties, and health care institutions implement its reporting requirements when substance use is involved during pregnancy.
Threatening child removal from a birthing parent with SUD without a risk assessment or evidence of danger to the child is not ultimately improving outcomes for children. Research has long shown that children affected by the trauma of family separation tend to experience worse long-term outcomes on a wide variety of indicators, including education, health, housing, employment, substance use, and involvement with the criminal legal system. With over 400,000 children in foster care across the US, the trauma of separation is widespread.
Forced separation also brings unimaginable pain to new families – triggering in some parents such despair that it deters them from seeking or continuing medical care, including treatment for their SUD. Study after study shows child removal is associated with parental overdose, mental illness, post-traumatic stress disorder, and return to substance use. Public health-oriented policies that can result in better outcomes for families are part of the solution.
As an addiction specialist physician, I am involved with the medical care of pregnant people with SUD, and I have seen counterproductive child welfare and criminal investigations launched after a newborn infant tests positive for a controlled substance. Too often, parents become hopeless about recovery once their children are gone.
Current policies and practices related to substance use during pregnancy also result in serious health inequities. Pregnant and parenting people of color are much more likely to be impacted by forced separation than their white counterparts. Black parents are more likely than white parents to be reported for substance use to the child protection system at their child’s delivery despite similar rates of drug use, while Black and Native American children are overrepresented in foster care relative to white children in the setting of parental substance use.
Meanwhile, health outcomes are unnecessarily worse for mothers of color. Since 80% of maternal deaths are due to overdose or suicide, we can save lives with policies and practices that encourage treatment, not punish pregnant women with SUD for seeking it. Policymakers need to remove controlled substance reporting requirements that overreach and contribute to the current punitive approach.
The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) encourages child protective services agencies not to use evidence of substance use, alone, to sanction parents—especially with child removal; supports eliminating in-utero substance exposure language in child abuse and neglect statutes, and supports policies that extend social services benefits and financial support to families in need.
The US Senate will contemplate reauthorizing and reforming CAPTA this year. Health care professionals who treat pregnant people with medications for addiction, like methadone or buprenorphine for opioid use disorder, do not need to involve child protective services for that reason.
Recovery is possible with the right medical care and support. A pregnant person with addiction seeking medical care deserves a chance to heal and recover with her children. If we want pregnant and parenting people with addiction to access the evidence-based treatment they need, our decision-makers must embrace public health over punitive policies.
From the sister of an adoptee and once a hopeful adoptive parent –
After being pretty firmly childfree my whole life, I find myself pregnant and have decided to parent. In the past I have even said I would have an abortion if I found myself unexpectedly pregnant but I’ve changed my mind.
When discussing some of my anxieties surrounding single parenthood and everything, my therapist actually asked me if I had considered adoption. It kind of took me by surprise because I hadn’t given any impression I don’t want to parent, beyond discussing average normal fears a new inexperienced mom might have.
This is a new therapist, so we are still feeling each other out, but it makes me uncomfortable that she asked this. It makes me feel suspicious that she might try to subconsciously, or even on purpose, try to manipulate me into adoption. I wouldn’t surrender my child of course but I don’t want to financially support a person who does this to young vulnerable moms who might be struggling with the decision.
Another who was considering adopting or fostering shared – I told my therapist I wanted another child and she questioned me due to how much is on my plate and my mental issues.
I know that’s not the same but I also felt like she overstepped. I’ve been asked that by several people. I feel like it’s not their choice. It’s my and my husband’s and we do great with our two kids. One of my kids is critically ill with a short prognosis. One is healthy. I always wanted two kids, so they can play together etc. So, one can’t play. That’s just one reason of the many I want another child. I don’t know why people try to change peoples lives like that or question them. I’m so sorry she did that to you. I don’t think your being over critical. Try to figure out why she said that. Maybe bring it back up and ask her why she asked. See if she did it to see how you felt about it and if it was something you need to discuss or if she was doubting you because of your concerns or history. She may have had good intentions behind the question but I would be sure to let her know how you feel about adoption to prevent this issue from resurfacing in the future. She’s there to listen and help you and get to know you. So open up to her and let her know how you feel about this. She shouldn’t judge you for that or try to persuade you in any way. If she does, then she is a bad therapist.
Another who is in training to be a therapist offers – She may think she is helping clients to explore all options. I agree with you on how problematic a casual suggestion to give the baby up for adoption could be for clients. You could confront her and try to educate her. Determine whether you want to stay with her based on her response. Maybe she will have a different conversation with the next client navigating a pregnancy. Or you could walk away because you are not obligated to convince or educate her.
I was born in New Mexico, so I chose to highlight the blog with this image. With the potential of the Supreme Court overturning Roe v Wade soon to kick off – 26 of these United States, just over half, will completely ban all abortions for any reason and the forced birthing of women who find themselves pregnant will be the result. Some states – Arizona, Florida, Tennessee and Texas have all extended health benefits for low-income mothers in recent months, and Alabama and Georgia have both moved to implement such extensions. There is an important distinction to make here – all of these states listed here plan to impose severe abortion restrictions or bans.
New Mexico will NOT be banning abortion – they are expanding Medicaid coverage for the RIGHT reason and not as cover for their war on women’s equal rights. Abortion is legal at all stages of pregnancy in New Mexico. There was a law in New Mexico that banned abortions except in cases of rape, incest, or if it was necessary to save a woman’s life. That law was put on NM’s books in 1969. In Feb 2021, Gov Michelle Lujan Grisham signed a bill that struck that old law from the books. She said, “This is about women who deserve the right, particularly when there are untenable circumstances, to have a relationship with their provider and control over their own bodies and we know when that occurs, frankly, we are saving lives.”
Colorado took it even a step further than New Mexico in April 2022. Gov Jared Polis signed the Reproductive Health Equity Act into law. The legislation makes it a right for people to make reproductive health care decisions without government interference.
I have long argued that we do not support mothers and children, or families for that matter, seriously enough as a society. So this expansion of Medicaid benefits is certainly welcomed. However, the bans that will go into place if the Supreme Court rules as currently expected, will also result in a worsening of the current maternal mortality rate. That rate has risen overall in 2020. There were almost 24 deaths per 100,000 births, or 861 deaths total. This number reflects mothers who died during pregnancy, childbirth or the year after. The rate was 20 per 100,000 in 2019. Among Black women the rate has long been much worse. There were 55 maternal deaths per 100,000 births. That is almost triple the rate for white people.
“If they [Republican lawmakers] really cared about maternal mortality they’d reduce the causes of maternal mortality – and it goes way beyond Medicaid expansion,” according to Loretta Ross, an associate professor at Smith College in Georgia and a reproductive justice activist.
The truth is that there have been changes to Medicaid, thanks to a provision of federal pandemic aid, which streamlined postpartum benefit changes. Missouri has long refused to expand Medicaid. The most dramatic effect of a post-partum extension would be felt in those Republican-led states, where lawmakers have long refused to expand the program to more low-income people.
In Texas, 25% of women of reproductive age lack health insurance, the highest rate in the nation. Texas is also among the 10 worst states for maternal mortality. Lawmakers in Texas recently expanded Medicaid to pregnant patients for six months after giving birth, instead of only the two they were given previously.
Back to my previous argument that we don’t support mothers, their children or the families enough – a single mother in Texas supporting two children cannot earn more than $2,760 a year and qualify for Medicaid – unless they are pregnant, in which case they can earn up to $45,600 a year and qualify. The previous exemption lasted only 60 days after birth – which it should be noted is also the federal minimum. After that, most become uninsured once again. so, the expansion to six months is welcome but still insufficient.
In Tennessee, the Republican governor, Bill Lee, directly connected the state’s postpartum Medicaid expansion and abortion. At a press conference in May, he spoke about Tennessee’s “trigger” ban, a law that will allow the state to immediately ban abortion, if the supreme court ends federal protections. He said, this is for “The lives of unborn children (and that) it’s very important that we protect their lives. It’s also important that we recognize that women in crisis need support and assistance through this process. For example, that’s why we’ve expanded our postpartum coverage for women in TennCare.”
It is all a brilliant smoke and mirrors strategy to pretend they care but I sincerely doubt they do. Want to bet that these women’s poverty related need for Medicaid will be used against them to take the children away and give them to wealthier people wanting to adopt ?
Statistics and details are thanks to The Guardian and KOB4 in Albuquerque NM.
I went looking for a topic for today’s blog and found this story by Stephanie Drenka. She writes that – “I was struck by the pervasiveness of adoptive parent-focused stories. Where were the adoptee perspectives ?” The photo is from when when she was reunited with her biological mother, two sisters, and a brother.
She notes that “abandonment issues do not end in adulthood. Though I haven’t experienced divorce, I can imagine it might be similar. If a woman’s husband leaves her, even after remarries the perfect guy, she may always deal with a persistent fear that he will leave her as well. Fear of abandonment is real, and has to be acknowledged in order to resolve it.”
I have personally witnessed this issue playing out in a loved one and it had not been resolved previously. It came out at a very inopportune time but never-the-less had to be dealt with in its extremity.
Stephanie notes – Even the most well-adapted adoptee still faces moments where the trauma resurfaces. For me, that meant small things like every time a doctor would ask me for my family medical history or now, post-reunification, not knowing when I will be able to meet my biological sister’s new baby boy. And adds – I won’t go into the trauma experienced by birth mothers and families, because that is not my story to tell. Suffice it to say, from my personal reunification experience, adoptees are not the only ones who struggle with the aftermath of adoption.
She says – I love my (adoptive) mom and dad to the moon and back. They are my role models, biggest supporters, and best friends. I feel blessed to have them in my life– but please don’t presume to tell me that I was “lucky” to be adopted. Like many adoptees, my parents told me that I was special. While meant with good intention, being chosen is a burden. It puts pressure on us to be perfect and grateful. It can be incredibly emotionally taxing and negatively effects your self esteem in the moments where you can’t live up to that perfect picture. These expectations can prolong mental illness without treatment, because it may seem like asking for help is being ungrateful.
Choosing to adopt is an expensive proposition and as Stephanie notes – one mostly related to white privilege. I agree with her stated perspective – Can you imagine if the money people spent on adoption services went instead to supporting single mothers or low-income parents? Or what if adoption profits were used to benefit adoptees themselves in the form of post-adoption services like counseling, genetic testing, mental health treatment, or birth family search costs?
She ends her own essay with this – The truth about adoption is that there is no Truth. Adoption is many different things for many different people. It is love, loss, grief, abuse, hope, despair. It can sometimes be celebrated, but should always be examined through a critical and compassionate lens.
Early on in my own trying to understand adoption journey (both parents were adoptees), I read a book recommended in my all things adoption group titled The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. I continue to learn almost every day and in this blog, I continue to try and share what I learn along the way. Today’s new concept was Post Adoption Contact Agreements. I already knew that open adoptions have been the more common approach over the previously totally closed adoption where often the child is lied to about their own origins and that lie is protected by closing and sealing the adoption records and changing the child’s birth certificate to make it look like the child was actually born to the adoptive parents. That was the way my parents’ adoptions were concluded, though thankfully, neither of my parents were lied to about having been adopted – at least that.
I have come across complaints that adoptive parents often renege on open adoption agreements. This is a reality, even today, even when promises are made to the expectant mother that she will be given updates, photos and even contact with her child post adoption. This is why my heart is more inclined towards doing what we can as a society to preserve children within the family they were born into. But it isn’t always possible and like war, adoption remains a reality that won’t end in my lifetime – if ever.
In trying to learn a bit more about post adoption contact agreements I did read In some states, when adoptive parents and birth parents sign an agreement called a “Post Adoption Contact Agreement,” it is filed with along with the adoption papers and becomes a legal, enforceable part of the adoption. However, in other states, it isn’t recognized as a legally binding contract. Therefore, the first thing to learn about is whether it will be enforceable in the state where the proposed adoption will take place.
According to one adoption attorney, Michael Belfonte, Missouri currently does not allow for enforceable post-adoption contact agreements. If either a birth parent or an adoptive parent breaks their post-adoption contact promise, there are no legal consequences that could be addressed in court. This is what he has to say about open adoptions –
You should not let this deter you from choosing an open adoption. In the majority of cases, both birth mothers and adoptive parents will keep the contact promise they made — as it’s just as important to them as it is to the other party. In fact, for many birth mothers, the possibility of an open adoption is why they made their adoption choice in the first place. They will want to see their child grow up and, more likely than not, will do everything they can to continue their contact.
Likewise, once they are fully educated about open adoption, adoptive parents will understand the importance of open communication for their adopted child throughout the years — and will do all they can to honor the choice the birth mother made and support her through her healing process. If you’re worried about a birth or adoptive parent continuing to stay in contact with you, there are some things you can do:
Choose a professional who will mediate post-adoption contact. When a parent begins to decrease the frequency of their contact, you may feel frustrated. Things can get complicated if you try to fix it by yourself, and you may end up doing more harm than good. If your contact is mediated by a professional, they will know the best way to speak to the other party about their lapse in communication and handle the situation going forward — without harming the relationship you already have.
Establish a solid relationship with the birth or adoptive parents. Open adoption can be more than just an agreement to send and receive pictures and letters every couple of months; before placement, it gives you the chance to get to know your adopted child’s birth parents or adoptive parents in a way that will be highly beneficial for the future. If you have the chance to build a strong friendship with the birth or adoptive parents before placement, it’s highly recommended. The more you understand, respect and trust each other, the less likely it will be that the other parents will break their agreement to keep in touch as the years go by.
Make your expectations known. While you cannot create a legally binding post-adoption contact agreement in Missouri, you can certainly create a written agreement that outlines contact expectations throughout your adoption process. In fact, this kind of written document is encouraged in any open adoption.
Remember, just because an open adoption contact agreement is not legally binding in Missouri doesn’t mean that you can’t have a successful open adoption relationship with your child’s birth or adoptive parents. More often than not, a prospective birth mother chooses adoption because she can watch her child grow up through open adoption — and has no intention of ever going back on her open adoption agreement. Similarly, adoptive parents understand how important open adoption communication can be and will likely do all they can to honor your contact agreement.
However, if a birth parent does break their post-adoption contact agreement, it’s important that adoptive parents continue to send the pictures, letters, emails, etc. that you agreed to. In many cases, if a birth parent decreases their contact frequency, it may be because they’re at a difficult point in their life — and fully intend to return to their previous contact frequency as soon as they can. It will mean a great deal to them that you continue to honor your agreement and give them updates on their adopted child during this time.
On the other hand, if adoptive parents miss a scheduled contact with you as a birth parent, it’s important that you do not jump to conclusions about their intentions. Like anyone else, unforeseen situations can come up that may delay their contact with you. If you’re concerned about them holding up their end of the agreement, we recommend you reach out to your adoption professional, who can approach them professionally and non-confrontationally about honoring their contact agreement.
I find this law on the books in the state of Missouri dated August 28 2018 – it is vague however about enforcement in my opinion. Still this is an example of one state in which I happen to be living. You should look into the legal decisions in your own state before agreeing to an adoption based upon promises that it will be open and you will be allowed ongoing contact.
Missing Mom 