Falsehoods Are Common

A CPS lawyer is arguing that her clients (social workers) didn’t know that
you cannot lie in court in order to take a parents’ children away from them.

This came up in a thread where someone questioned – The mother was 19, they put her age as 16. I was 17 when this was dated, but this family wasn’t made known to me until March, 2018. 6 months into the pregnancy after being excluded prior. I am just wondering why her age isn’t what it actually was and if anyone has any ideas as to why she was listed as being younger? The dates are also listed differently.

I don’t really know the answers to this specific situation but I saw this behavior back in the mid-1930s in the surrender papers prepared by Georgia Tann related to my mom’s adoption. The ages of my genetic maternal grandparents were deliberately misrepresented as were the occupations of my grandparents.

It was noted – There’s quite a few court cases on YouTube where child protection workers were caught lying and forging documents to the courts or injecting themselves into families. There are so many lawsuits.

One person noted – The information packet my sister received also had false information like this. I believe this is a common practice in adoption. It was supposed to contain her identifying information and it was this bizarre package of lies and it was literally redacted in a lot of parts. I had no idea things like that happened in adoption until she showed me her redacted information package of lies and she told me how common it actually is for information to be falsified. It makes it more difficult for the adoptee to get to the truth/find their biological families.

One youth/family counselor wrote – When working with kids who are involved with Div of Children and Family Services (in Illinois specifically) I’ve experienced my kids caseworkers and the supervisors changing constantly. I really believe a lot of the records that are kept are incomplete and false because of high staff turnover rate, low oversight, rampant unchecked bias, and pure laziness on behalf of a lot of the workers. They care a lot less about the paperwork being true and more about it matching whatever case they are arguing to the judge. It’s maddening and makes it difficult for EVERY entity involved to know what is even going on. That is absolutely insane, and a very clear example of how harmful it is that these adults (Child Protective Services workers/shady adoption agencies) simply don’t care to make sure the information is truthful or correct for the kids’ sake at ALL. The paperwork serves them, not the kids. None of it serves the kids.

An advocate notes – They just flat out lie and there was actually a case about it in California, I believe where they argued the right to lie. While some cases may be due to understaffing, a lot of it is just flat out corruption. They want that Title IV funding (LINK>Title IV-E – Federal Payments for Foster Care and Adoption Assistance) and they have to destroy families to get it. It always shocks me when people act like CPS/DHS/Adoption agencies aren’t corrupt. Because they are. Systematically. It is insane how many families have told me stories like this. It is absolutely a product of how the system is set up.

I’ve Seen The Damage

In my young adulthood, I saw some of the worst. Any substance addiction is not an easy nut to crack. It’s impact on parenting can’t be denied. Today’s story asks this question – Is it possible to support someone in parenting in ways that are physically and psychologically safe while that person is using meth?

A family friend who is incarcerated has a baby who has been in foster care since birth. The baby will be returned to her when the mother gets out of prison when the baby is about a year old. A parent-child rehab program will be provided, follow up substance use disorder programs will be offered, and the mother has access to familial financial support as well as support with housing and childcare (though she has currently declined childcare assistance). But she permanently lost custody of her first child due to inadequate care of the infant as a result of daily meth intoxication, and I want to ensure that that doesn’t happen again. She has had relapses every time she has left prison or rehab or psych facilities throughout her entire adolescence and adulthood (but she is a very young adult). I hope she doesn’t resume use, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice for helping her keep and take good care of her baby/ toddler even if she continues to struggle with addiction to the point that eliminating use of meth is not possible for her.

A physician comments – Being under the influence of drugs is NEVER safe. There is NEVER a safe amount of use that is ok. You can’t hit “the pause button” in being the person that is responsible for child while you get high and think that your entire constitution and judgment isn’t taxed and under the influence for a considerable amount of time after. If you are still using, then do not trust yourself that you are actually caring for your self, and much less adequately caring for additional humans who are critically growing and very needy, independent beings.

However, another person had a very different perspective – you see it at its worst. You don’t see it functioning day to day. Big difference. My SIL was a functioning parent with substance use disorder for decades. My neighbor as well. Many others I have known. It’s like anyone dealing with chronic disease. They need support.

The doctor responded – I deal with addicts, families, social workers, lawyers every single day. That’s 70% of who is in an ICU bed right now that we are caring for and all paying for. Yes, I agree they do need support 100%. They do not need to be responsible for a child while *using* drugs. Blessing to your SIL to have a support system around her, like a loving family that cares enough to do that. Most addicts do not have what your SIL has. That is not the reality of most people in this world, and one of the reasons they get into addiction to begin with. There is no such thing as a safe amount of drugs. It doesn’t work like that. Your brain gets rewired and your judgment is altered.

To which the person responded – I am so tired of people not understanding that there are people that are functional but still struggling with substance use disorder. They hear the word drugs and they make some serious assumptions about the person. I am going to “not all” here because I am so tired of the assumptions being made when it comes to substance use disorder.

Many have a support system for when they are active that keeps children safe. Being that support system is important. I didn’t see one comment from anybody saying that the original poster should be a support system. The only thing I’m seeing is people saying “nope can’t parent” “drug user? can’t parent”. People parent with disabilities that can also put children at risk, but nobody says a thing about them losing their kids.

Functional drug use IS a thing ! Stop making broad brush stroke assumptions of those challenged with substance use disorder !

Bottom line, there is this – The safety of the child has to come first. If someone is actively using they are at risk for psychosis (and if you haven’t seen that in someone you love I pray you never do). Absolutely the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen and I felt unsafe as an adult being around someone in that state. It’s extremely dangerous for the child if the parent is seeing things that aren’t there, having delusions, etc. If you know someone is actively using around a small child you should either be intervening yourself or reporting them.

Recovery is possible and family and friend support play a big role in that. Just because someone has relapsed doesn’t mean they will again. It also doesn’t mean they will be using around their child. It’s great that’s she’s willing to go into treatment with baby. I would do everything you can to support her and let her know you see her beating the odds and are proud of her if you have the kind of relationship you can talk about those things.

And there was this advice – Her focus should be finding employment with medical insurance so that she is not on welfare and is not a target for state intrusion. She should focus on taking care of her children, being physically active and healthy, join a gym, exercise, garden, take care of her house. Keep the rif raf away from her house. Maintain normal hours – no rotating cast of strangers through the house – no visitors after 10 pm. Work hard at maintaining a schedule and sticking to it. She probably has ADHD and should get medication like Ritalin or Wellbutrin for it, which will address chemical imbalances that she has. She has to work extra hard at keeping up appearances – she’ll be held to a higher standard of care than other mothers. She can’t mess up. Nothing is worse for a child than having their parent taken away from them and even if she cannot take care of her child full time, every effort should be made to have her do as much as she possibly can for her child as a parent, not as a visitor.

I’ll end with this observation – it is hard to overcome generations of addiction, mental illness, and poverty. It’s just not simple.

Too Many People Already

I can’t see my all things adoption group agreeing with this one but sometimes it is one of the arguments. Today, I read (and to be honest, this concern was minor compared to the others) –

I sterilized myself last year because my bloodline is just plain bad. My genes are very bad. I am also not healthy enough to carry safely, and I know what genes I and my fiancé would be putting into our prospective biological child. On the off chance that the baby would be healthy, that would be fantastic. But I can’t guarantee that, especially knowing what I have wrong with me and what is in my bloodline. I feel it would be very selfish of me to give birth to a child who would potentially have even more problems than I have. Plus, I don’t want to add more life into the world when it’s already overrun. I didn’t ask to be born, neither would our biological child. Her question to the group was – Can someone please give me a better idea of what qualifies as ‘good’ adoption and what qualifies as ‘selfish’? I want to make sure that we do it right, with as minimal trauma as possible.

From a mother of loss to adoption (aka birth mother) – Most adoption is basically legal human trafficking. It is likely to have lasting impacts on children – even if they’re separated at birth. In my own opinion, the only “good” adoptions are unavoidable ones where a child is orphaned, abandoned, or removed from an abusive/neglectful household where reunification isn’t an option. Otherwise you’re basically buying a baby and putting your own desires above the actual wellbeing of the child.

An adoptive mother asks – If you aren’t healthy enough to carry a child, are you healthy enough to raise them? Here was her reply – when I say not healthy enough to carry, I mean as in I am obese. We all know what overweight can do to a pregnancy, and being obese is even worse. I also have badly scarred lungs from many bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia and have high blood pressure. The risk for miscarriage is very high. Luckily because I’m sterile, I don’t have to worry about that.

The follow-on question from an adoptee was – How are you going to keep up with kids ? Her reply was – I’m taking medicine to make my condition bearable and I’m steadily losing weight (15 pounds down!) Plus my fiancé is much more active than I, so he can take over when I cannot continue. I also look at my mom who has been obese her entire life with me. She kept up with me.

One adoptee notes – I had 16 children and am not a pixie … nothing with my weight was an issue. I was 260 with my last. (Same dad/husband for all).

From a Baby Scoop Era adoptee who was pregnant as a teen but who parented asks – are you healthy enough to parent, chase after and be reasonably certain that “you” are healthy enough to keep up with and participate in all the physically challenging aspects of raising a child???? For at least 30 years???? They do not stay cute/cuddly babies forever!?! Consider joining a gym and adopting a puppy or kitten!?

Another adoptee notes – You’ve been here, hearing that adoption is unethical and causes harm, yet you still want there to be “a right way” to do things for yourself. You’ve still got a bit of de-centering to do in this conversation. She replied – I don’t necessarily mean a ‘right’ way, but a less traumatizing way. I would love to have the chance to be a parent in the best way possible, but not by giving birth to my own. I’d like to find the best way to go about adoption minimizing trauma as much as possible, since I know trauma will still be a thing no matter what. The adoptee states – Adoption legally disrupts identity, family, and history. Consider other ways of helping displaced children, such as fostering and supporting reunification, or supporting teens as they age out and start making their own way, temporary or permanent legal guardianship, other legal transfers of custody. Kids shouldn’t be required to give up anything in order to get the help they need.

Another mother of loss to adoption shares – it’s weird to me that you know it causes trauma and you still want to do it. Reminds me of my own situation. My son’s adoptive mother knew there would be trauma but thought that if we did open adoption well enough, it could mitigate that trauma for him. I don’t yet know how he feels about it as an adult but I’m so angry about it now. That she was glad to do the harmful thing – just hoping to make it less harmful.

When the woman complains – “This is tiring” Another adoptee replies – really?! This is tiring for you imagine how tiring it is for people that are adopted telling you over and over again that adoption is trauma, and it is selfish and human trafficking yet you try to justify your actions by doing it because of your health issues. Having a child is not a right it’s a privilege… and it seems to me you don’t have that privilege. You do not have to adopt a child in order to give it external care but participating in the system is participating in human trafficking.

Someone formerly in foster care disagrees with the above – I believe she means tiring because she’s repeating herself in different ways. I can understand where the system is abused and children are being taking advantage of by the system. I have been in there while I was in foster care. However, being in foster care is not the same for everyone. Most kids would love to be reunited with their parents because most don’t understand the harm they were in. Later in life they find out and can appreciate being removed from harmful situations. Also, there are children who hope to be adopted to have a family that they choose and chooses them. I have also been here. I’ve been in multiple foster care homes and was adopted as a teenager. I also recently adopted my nephew and his sister (mom had a baby by an unknown father). I fostered them for over 2 years trying to reunite and both her and my brother chose to sign over their rights. I tried helping her and taking her to her rehab centers and she would leave and say it’s too hard. She was also prostituting and using drugs and coming to supervised visits high and unable to keep her eyes open. Dept of Social Services gave the ultimatum that either I adopt or they will find someone else who will because she had given up trying at all. So I understand all perspectives. Sometimes no matter what anyone does the birth parents aren’t going to get their life together. The kids are already in the system. Adoption can allow a sense of home and normalcy other than being that foster child or not being able to call anyone mom or dad or whatever. (Also, I don’t force anyone to call me anything. I ask them what do they feel comfortable calling me and how they want me to address them). It’s important for them to feel included and know their opinions matter.

Not The Way To Do It

Bill Maher sometimes does a piece on his weekly program – “I Don’t Know It For a Fact…I Just Know It’s True.” Today, I read this – every country seeks to end intergenerational welfare dependency by seizing the children of parents who are on public assistance or are likely to be on public assistance and adopt them out to serve as the as-if-born-to-children of working individuals. There are some facts though at this LINK>Federal Fiscal Year (FFY) 2022 Adoption Savings Data report on how much money the government saved in 2022 by adopting out the children of the poor. Judges that administrate these cases are employed by the states that save the money if the child is adopted out. Public defenders are employed by the states that save the money if the child is adopted out. If Child Protective Services was truly about protecting children rights – they would protect them without changing who they are or who they are related to. They’d just protect them as is.

The truth is the federal government pays tens of thousands of dollars in bounty money to states for each welfare dependent child adopted into non-welfare dependent homes. The federal government has adoption quotas for states to meet. Adoption credits and tax breaks mask a massive child trafficking effort to decrease the number of welfare-dependent children and adults in the country. The state is the entity that took it upon itself to remove the child from the care of their parents, therefore, the state should provide for all the food, clothing, medical care, educational needs, transportation, dedicated social workers, and facilitate visitation with biological kin. In foster care situations, the goal should always be a reunification of the children with their biological parents if at all possible.

If states were forbidden from seizing foster youth for adoption, and they had to permanently pay to support foster youth by paying the caregivers a salary and by providing for all of the needs of the foster youth, while simultaneously protecting the kinship rights and identity of the foster youth – you’d better believe the state would be removing a whole hell of a lot less kids than they are removing today. The state would limit removal to situations that are truly dangerous to the child and they would return the child to the care of their parents as soon as it was safe and possible whether that was 10 days, 10 months, or 10 years.

Foster care children are much safer with paid caregivers. The state would have fewer children in care, caseloads would be smaller and caseworkers could give the children in foster placement the attention they deserve. They could monitor them more closely for signs of abuse or signs of an incompatible placement. The state would be motivated to spend money on programs that reunified children with their families because it would be cheaper than paying for all the child’s needs while in foster placement, in addition to paying the foster caregiver and caseworker salaries. It would prove less expensive than having to pay out, when they lose lawsuits, where children have been abused by their foster caregivers.

Looking For Context

Today’s complicated situation –

12 years ago my brother got married and had a baby very young. About two years into the marriage his wife wanted to separate, so they were co-parenting. She then decided she wanted full custody and made a laundry list of allegations against my brother in order to obtain that, but ultimately was not successful. When that failed, she told him he was not the father— which turned out to be true. At this point my brother had raised this child for 3 years and loved being a father and was absolutely devastated. A series of events led to him making the decision to step aside and sign away his parental rights so that the mother, real father, and baby could be a family. It shattered him and he processed it like a death of a child.

9 years have past since he stepped away. Since then the biological father has completely disappeared and she has been remarried 4 separate times. She has been placed in an involuntary psych hold on 2 separate occasions and has some serious mental health struggles.

Fast forward to this month. Everyone in my family, including myself and my husband, have received letters from Texas Child Protective Services (where the mother lives— all of us are in New York) looking for family of this child and saying there is an open case. We responded saying that we know of the child in question and are awaiting more information.

My questions are: Does this letter mean the child is in CPS (Child Protective Services) custody/the system ? What happens here, since we are not actually blood related to this child ? Does this mean the mother has been deemed unfit in some way ? Or that other family has been unresponsive to this search for connections to this child ?

The grandparents on the mother’s side are incredibly abusive, and her sibling is in jail for shooting a gun at someone in a park. It seems the biological father’s family wants no part of this child’s life. I have no idea what any of us in my family would do from here— my brother is married and now has a 4 month old— and no one in my family is in a great place to take in a child, nor am I sure that would be the right thing to do ? But we are all very concerned— we loved this child deeply and were heartbroken when all of this took place. I know at this point she is a traumatized pre-teen who has probably been through hell and back. I guess I’m just wondering what the right thing to do in this situation is, and looking for context for what this CPS letter means in terms of the child’s welfare.

One knowledge response was – They are clearly looking for Fictive Kin. Please try to discover more and if / how your family (especially your brother) can get involved for the youth’s sake.

Similarly – They are looking for fictive kin. This can be anyone who has had any connection with the child (neighbors, parent’s co-workers, religious community, teachers, etc.). It’s heartening to know that CPS has actually contacted you all. The best way to get a better picture of what’s going on to with the child is to respond to the CPS letter. You’ll most likely be placed in contact with a social worker who’s been working on the case. I have a list of questions you can ask (see below). Hoping for the best for the child, her natural mother, and your brother.

Here is a list of questions for a situation such as this –

Reason for Placement:

Can you tell me a bit about what led to the child being placed in foster care ? Just trying to understand their backstory a bit.

How’s the child handling the transition into foster care ? Any particular challenges they’re facing ?

Legal Proceedings/Termination of Parental Rights:

Has there been any progress or updates regarding legal proceedings or the possibility of terminating parental rights ?

How’s the child navigating through any legal stuff ? Are they aware of what’s happening, and how are they coping with it ?

Child’s Development:

What’s the current living situation like for the child ? How are they adjusting to it ?

Can you tell me a bit about the child’s personality and interests ? Just trying to understand what makes them tick.

How’s the child doing in school ? Are there any particular subjects or activities they excel in ?

Do they have any hobbies or talents that they’re passionate about ? Just curious about what brings them joy.

Family Dynamics/Relationships:

How often does the child get to see or communicate with their biological family ? And how are those interactions going ?

How do they get along with their foster family and peers ? Any budding friendships or challenges they’re facing ?

Support and Services:

What kind of support services are available to the child and their foster family ?

Are there any particular cultural or religious considerations we should keep in mind while caring for the child ?

Future Plans/Goals:

What are the long-term goals or plans for the child’s placement ? Any steps you’re taking to work towards those goals ?

How can we, as their foster family, best support them in their growth and development ?

Health and Well-being:

Are there any health concerns or medical needs we should be aware of ? How are you addressing those ?

How does the child express their feelings or emotions ? And how can we help them develop healthy coping skills ?

What Really Matters

Family Matters

A question today for adoptive parents – do you set aside your own desires to meet the needs of your adopted child ? After adoption is finalized, too often promises made are not kept. Examples – [1] a first mother with an open adoption promise. The adoptive parents moved to another continent (Europe, mom is in U.S.) when child was about four. They promised at least annual visits but regularly find excuses to cancel. [2] an adoptive dad, even though he sees how desperate his son is for his siblings, he simply never prioritizes visits to maternal grandma and sisters. He chooses to believe it isn’t *that* important to him (son) – simply because it isn’t that important to him (dad).

An adoptive parent answers – I can’t speak to this because my daughter has zero birth family connections but in general I’ve done what is necessary to put my daughter’s need for connection outside of me ahead of my own needs. The closest adult to her moved very suddenly across the state and we followed without hesitation because the loss would have ruined her. I fly her to see the people who mean the most to her all the time. These days that often means she’s in my home state but I don’t get to see her and I’m careful to never say anything that could be construed as guilting or pressuring. And I’m sending her for a month this summer to the other side of the country to study under a mentor who is definitely the most influential female to ever be in her life because she’s seeking out that connection. We’ve put all of our financial resources into supporting these needs because I feel like she is owed ways to continue connecting with mirrors and people who aren’t just us. If she had genetic connections, I would break the bank to make that happen. I do not understand how AT VERY LEAST adoptive parents can’t stop and wonder how their selfish need for approval will play out in the long term. There are tons of days I miss my kid so much I can barely function but it isn’t her job to make me feel better or fill my voids. It’s my one and only job to make sure she has the opportunities and resources to become her best and most whole self.

From a foster parent – I never travel to see my own biological family because I am not in contact with them at all. With that being said, if a child in my care (adopted, permanent guardianship etc) wanted to travel to see their biological family… how could I deny that ? True, I’ve never traveled to see my own biological family. It’s not something we think about at all, so I appreciate this post for bringing it up in this context. I now will make a point to consider this perspective and allow any non-biological kids to travel to see their biological family… just because I don’t do it with my own biological family doesn’t mean a non-biological child in my care can’t see their own biological family.

A mother who lost her child to adoption notes – I feel this so much. I felt like I was never part of the adoptive parent’s family, even with an “open” adoption and the adoptive parent’s extended family is almost always seen as more important and has more frequent contact with the adoptee than birth parents/family. This shouldn’t be the case.

Another adoptive parent writes – I always wondered how openness works for out-of-state adoptions, particularly when the child is young and needs to be accompanied on flights (a lot of domestic infant adoptions seem to be out-of-state, which seems odd to me). While my husband and I see our families way less than the kids’ (2x in the last 3 years vs 2-4x a month) that’s not a sacrifice, that’s geography. Except for special occasions a few times a year, I reserve friend time / date ‘night’ for when the kids are in school, so that I am always available when they are not (this is a huge privilege I am afforded by not working outside the home and because my husband has a flexible schedule.)

Yet – how I fall short?

Youngest (age 11, adopted at 8) doesn’t like sleepovers. Sleepovers are a big part of her family culture. I also don’t like sleepovers (for myself.) I could probably get her to sleep over with relatives, if I came too, but in my opinion, that’s weird for a grown-ass adult to invite themselves to a sleepover at someone else’s house. I’ve “compromised” by driving her to visit early in the morning and picking her up right before bed, but the right thing to do would likely be to invite myself along to her sleepover invitations, so that she goes.

Eldest (age16, adopted at 14) spends way less time with family than she did prior to my home. She’s straight up told me it’s because she’s now allowed to have friends and because I taught her about boundaries and that if she were in her prior placement, she would spend way more time with family. While to me boundaries and friends are important for teen development, I still did, indirectly, cause her to withdraw from family and I do feel guilty about that.

An interesting point of view emerges – I have seen my mom go out of her way to keep the family connected but the biological family could care less. I believe the costs to see the kid should be on the biological parents, not the adopted parents and the adopted parents (and family) shouldn’t be inconvenienced for the visit… so I do feel like the biological mom should be able to get to Europe on her own to see the child.

The reply from the one who initially asked the questions was – In most domestic infant adoptions, moms are relinquishing because of lack of resources and support. Most adoptive parents have financial resources (or they fundraised to buy the baby). So, you’re saying that the mom (who already felt so choiceless that she relinquished her son) should find a way to travel to Europe with her daughter as often as she wants to see her son – because….. it’s her own fault she relinquished??? They didn’t live in Europe before adopting. She didn’t know they were going to move there. I don’t think they knew but if they did, they didn’t tell her and moved four years later. They are the ones who committed to openness and visits.

As a mother who relinquished because of threats, coercion and lack of support (and ultimately, a belief that I was not good enough), I’m having a hard time with your perspective. Maybe you can explain to me why you feel the adoptive family “shouldn’t be inconvenienced” for the sake of a child they chose to parent who needs to see their family? Do you think you’re drawing directly from the situation closest to you and this is based on feelings you have about your adopted sibling’s biological family ?

The explanation – the biological family has done no shows or come when they feel like it… especially concerning the kids we have fostered. (I note that we have successfully reunited about 30 kids with their families). I’m no longer stopping my day or the other children’s day for a visit that may never actually take place….the social worker can come get them or the biological parents can meet and join us where we are…this is purely based on years of experience…. And I don’t inform small children about potential visits because often times they are let down and the biological parents are no shows…none of my adopted siblings biological parents willingly gave up rights. The rights were terminated after YEARS. We tried to assist them in every way including allowing the biological mom to live with us – she just didn’t care to get it together…. We fought and advocated hard for their parents to get it together because we did NOT want to adopt them. We believe kids belong with family first.

That satisfied her question – therefore, your perspective regarding my general post to adoptive parents about the kids in their care is based entirely on your very limited personal experience (and a kind of obvious bias against the biological family). Thank you for explaining. I’ll ignore your opinion that my friend ought to be able to find her own way to Europe, if she wants to see her son.

From another adoptive parent – This is a hard one right now because every post in here talks about prioritizing the adoptee’s wants, but it is the natural mother who is always asking for more. We can spend a week with her and then, the adoptees choose not to do a video chat the next week and she will say that they are pushing her away and hate her. I have often wondered, if we stopped constantly offering contact, how often the adoptees would ask for contact. Right now, if we go to the state she lives in for any reason – we see her, we have 3 of our own family members in the same state and we only see one or two of them each time but ALWAYS prioritize seeing the natural mother. But we don’t ASK the adoptees WHEN they want to see the natural mother, we say, “we are going on a trip to her state, you want to see her, right?” And they shrug and say sure. The one area that I have definitely not made any effort is the other natural family members. One time a natural uncle reached out and that time I asked the adoptees and both said, nah. Not a NO, but a nah. I told the natural uncle that the adoptees didn’t want to meet with him on that particular trip. He hasn’t asked since and the adoptees have not asked either.

Another person offers this perspective – it seems, at least to me, that it’s very much obviously the job of adoptive parent to positively facilitate and maintain those first family relationships without being asked, rather than passively wait for child(ren) to ask for it to be facilitated and maintained. In the same way that we don’t generally wait for children to ask to be enrolled in education, have medical checkups or do any of the other “boring” stuff that’s good for them in the long term but not necessarily stimulating or enjoyable every time they do it. In my experience of talking and listening to foster and adoptive parents I’ve noticed an unmissable pattern, wherein the weight put on the opinions and feelings of children varies wildly from situation to situation in a way that seems arbitrary – until you notice that it correlates with the typically desired outcomes of the average foster or adoptive parent. Children being ambivalent about their first families is usually accepted at face value – embraced and validated, even. There is something incredibly permissive about that. A permissiveness that, on closer inspection, almost never extends to other areas of their parenting. It gets framed as giving children agency and there’s very little introspection on whether or not it amounts to the foster or adoptive parent neglecting their responsibility to make reasonable decisions, on behalf of the children, to set up the opportunity for them to form and maintain a relationship, a parent-child or other familial bond.

An Evolving Approach

I don’t live in Florida and there may be aspects of this effort that I can’t know about. I learned about this organization, LINK>Embrace Families, from a post seeking a a home for a young woman before she turns 18. One kinship carer noted that – My cousin and friend was adopted at 17 years old. It was a long journey to her, but she prefers it that way. My aunt met her in a campaign of giving Christmas presents and progressed to a very unlikely adoption.

If this organization is true to their stated intentions, values and priorities – it is an example of how the approach to child welfare issues is evolving to be better than the old models. Their goal is to overcome the root causes of abuse and neglect through the programs they have created. Sadly, dominating local news where I live in Southeast Missouri is the story of the death of a 4 year old believed to be due to those causes.

They are committed to keeping struggling families intact and improving outcomes for children, teens and young adults. They feel their effort extends beyond the scope of traditional child welfare services. They feel that a child’s future should not be indelibly tarnished by events that brought them into the child welfare system.

They note that their investment in youth services ensures that teens and young adults in foster care have the supplies, resources and skills necessary to thrive personally, to achieve academically, and to prepare successfully for career and personal success. They provide the support needed for young adults to navigate the complex road to self-sufficient adulthood. This includes: mentoring, tutoring, youth advocacy preparation, housing support, academic support, career readiness, independent living transition planning, driver license training, and more.

Multi-Generational Impacts

I did read this book and I know that the impacts of adoption did have generational effects. I’ve written about this before. In today’s story, an adoptee shares it’s effects in her life and family.

I see many adoptees who have such beautiful relationships with their own children. Are there others out there who struggle with relationships with their own children? My birth mother and I were both products of the baby snatch era. She discovered she was bought by her parents only after they died. She abandoned me as a toddler to an orphanage. I was adopted but later returned to foster care by my adopted parents. I became pregnant at 15 and forced to give birth. I could not place my son for adoption due to my own negative experience as an adoptee but received no form of parenting support/skill training. My birth mother found me as a young adult (only after finding her birth mother first) – only to disown and reabandon me. I have no relationship with my adopted mother, my birth mother, or adult son. I feel like I failed to interrupt multi generational trauma. My failure pains me greatly and I feel very alone in this.

Saved From Foster Care

Evgeny Anisimov with Misha

We have discovered in my all things adoption group the strong love some fathers have for their children. More than once, that group has provided financial assistance and emotional support to fathers who’s children were given away by the mother without the father’s consent. This story is heartwarming and special for me, the boy’s name is the same as my daughter’s. We did know the name had Russian roots. Her dad chose it and gave it to the hospital authorities before I knew he was going to name her that (we had thought we were having a son and so a female name had never come up). My daughter was born in El Paso Texas which is on the border with Mexico and in the Spanish language, female names end with an “a”, so it worked and I love that it is her name.

Back to the story, provided by LINK>My Positive Outlooks, Mom wanted to give up baby with Down syndrome to Foster care, so dad decided to raise him all on his own. “My determination, activity, curiosity, and so on—everything was with me. Everything happened as I planned, my son was born. But the child is special, his life and future destiny are already very significant,” Evgeny said in an interview. He realized the child was his responsibility and that he should be up to the task of taking care of him, no matter how difficult that may be. His wife however wanted to surrender their son to foster care.

While every task is simple, the single dad admits doing it every day is difficult. Luckily for him, his mother helps him, so he can have time for himself. “I understand that the future might bring more issues, but I hope that we will be able to overcome everything,” he said. He also hopes to support and inspire by his example those people who are or will be in the same situation as him.

Only Because They Are Poor

So much could be said – here is just a sampling.

From a 2021 story in The Seattle Times LINK>Taking Too Many Children From Their Parents. They share this story . . . Esther Taylor remembers everyone tensing up. She was 8, and didn’t understand everything going on. But she knew a social worker had confronted her mom about the way Taylor and her siblings were living, in a house with faulty wiring and a rat problem, ostensibly home-schooled but not taught frequently of late. And she could see her mom getting upset.

Then, confusion as what she thought would be a routine errand at a state office turned into an all-day affair. Why are we still here? Eventually, Taylor, a sister and a brother were led to a supply of clothes, where she picked out a Lilo & Stitch jacket and other items. They would not be going home, not even to grab pajamas.

Now 22 and a college student in Walla Walla, Taylor said she wishes state workers had asked how to help instead of sending her and her sister to one foster home, her brother to another. She is still haunted by the two-and-a-half-year separation from her mom, whom she remembers as kind and funny, and who died of cancer seven years ago. Taylor said she struggles with abandonment issues and sometimes wonders: “Am I not worthy to have a mother?”

Even agencies overseeing foster care are recognizing that separating children from their parents may be unnecessary in many cases to resolve problems often linked to poverty, while causing lasting trauma and disproportionately affecting people of color.

From a law office, of course (blogger’s note – this doesn’t address the issue of poverty !!) LINK>5 Things You Need To Do If Your Children Are Taken By Div of Children and Families (DCF) –

Contact an Attorney
Before you contact anyone else or even give yourself the chance to cry, reach out to a family lawyer. The family court system is extremely complex and does not favor parents who have lost temporary custody of their children.
Review Your Safety Plan
Jot Down Everything You Remember
It’s particularly important to note any threats or warnings made by DCF.
Request That Children Be Placed With Family Members
If you have family in the area who can care for your children, request that they care for your children until they are returned to you. Being separated from parents is a traumatic event for children, and it can cause even more lasting damage if they are placed with people they don’t know. Limit the damage by ensuring that children are with someone you and they trust.
Begin the Appeals Process
To get your children back from DCF, you may need to appeal their original decision to take custody. This often involves proving that you provide a safe, stable, and healthy home life.

Finally this from The Center for Public Integrity – In some states you can go golfing but LINK>you can’t visit your child in foster care. A Public Integrity survey found 20 states restricted visitation for parents of children in foster care.