You Are A Light

It is that season of hope and light. Listening to Rev Jason Daveon Mitchell’s message at LINK>Agape last Sunday echoed stories of how so many lives bring light with them. He said – . . . the world is already blessed because you are here. You are a light that entered into an aspect of darkness. Some of you lit up and opened up a crevice in the parents that you had. Some of you lit up the fire station that you were set out in front of. For some of you, the family that you were born into, delivered you to somewhere else. Some of you went into the foster care system.

Just to say that regardless, you are not defined by the conditions of your birth. There may be trauma that you will have to struggle to overcome, perhaps with some good trauma informed therapist. All of you have gone through all manner of conditions on your life’s journey.

Substitute For Wholeness

Heartbreaking – from a high school teacher – I have a current student that lives in a group home and has been openly asking myself and other staff members to adopt her since her mom is going to give up parental rights (student’s words, no one else’s, no idea if it is true). She has taken to calling me momma (don’t know where that came from) and other staff members auntie or grandma. I’ve tried to get the momma stuff to stop without much luck and don’t want to push her too hard on it as I’ve seen how upset she can get when she feels rejected. I don’t know the details on her situation and why she is in a group home, but I do know she has mentioned contact with her mom and an aunt. What can I do to help show her love and support without making her feel rejected, while also encouraging her to hold out hope for her family situation to resolve?

Response from an adoptee – I used to do this when my biological mother gave up rights. I took to every foster parent and asked them to adopt me even in unhealthy/unsafe foster homes. My lawyer and social worker recognized it after I went to the 3rd foster home. They put me in trauma based counseling that I wasn’t previously in and got me a therapist to help work through. It helped me realize the attachment issues were all based around trauma. She will probably continue to lash out and feel rejected even with therapy. It’s hard but children with these types of attachment traumas will go to drastic length for someone to love them. You can still support her while she gets the help she needs. Please fight for her to get into counseling and therapy. It’s hard to navigate the feelings you have. And please remember, trauma alters your brain chemistry, she cannot help how she feels or thinks. That’s the biggest thing for me. Teachers used to tell me to stop and get frustrated but I physically couldn’t stop getting attached to people. It followed me a little later in life but I’m finally at a place where I don’t have to have somebody like I did at that age when my trauma was still new.

Another adoptee who is also a Foster/Adoptive parent of children with LINK>RAD (reactive attachment disorder) wrote – So, the “mommy shopping” can be related to severe complex trauma (sometimes called RAD in kids). It’s not healthy or typical and there are probably some attachment issues there. (adoption, family separation, residential care, etc) Kids with severe attachment issues can reject loving homes and try to get strangers at a store to be their parents. They can’t trust people who are really there for them. Its too much, too vulnerable. They’ve been let down before. And so they can blow up relationships with family while creating superficial scenarios with people around them who won’t ever make them feel vulnerable. You would be a safe fantasy of family for her, I suspect, if this is what’s happening. So, this can be tough, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t support and love on her. But I would become educated about RAD//PTSD in kids. There’s a lot of terrible advice around RAD, so try – radadvocates.org. Don’t do the Facebook groups because the way these parents talk about their kids will chill you and they won’t be able to offer you any tools anyway. Thanks for looking out for her. Just remember her trauma will probably be big and above your pay grade, so the best way to support her is to understand where her needs come from, listen to her and then keep showing up. I’m glad you are there for her.

One adoptive parent suggested – Can you ask her to refer to you either by your name or if she insists on momma maybe add your name to the end ? I’ve had friends of my kids call me “Momma J” which establishes that I’m a mom and my name but feels more comfortable than outright being called mom by a non-biological child. I feel like you can have that conversation to set this boundary without making her feel rejected but allowing the boundary to be crossed can lead to a pattern of boundary pushing and testing (from my experience). Another added – I would even do “Auntie” instead of “mama”. It implies specialness but holds a boundary.

Adopters=Co-dependancy

An adoptive parent admits she is co-dependent. She was learning all about co-dependency, due to an unrelated (to adoption) life situation, when it hit her that adoptive parents are co-dependent. She writes – that she is ‘not always/not all’ aware, so no need to point it out. But she is certain there is a high likelihood of adopters being co-dependent AF.

She notes that the reason she posted this is – we can only grow and do better from what we know. And we won’t know we are codependent, unless we learn about it. Co-dependent people thrive on being needed. They find taking care of others more fulfilling than anything. They make other people’s problems their own. It’s more of a personality type, than a disorder but it can get unhealthy very easily, if we are not aware. She added – “My goal is to cause as little additional trauma to my kids as possible….I will learn and do better !”

An adoptive parent who is also a therapist notes – I see that as a theme with some who adopt. I don’t want to over categorize people, but the place I have noticed this the most is with those who adopt from other countries or foster care, after they have had their biological kids. That role appeals to them. It becomes part of their identity. And yes, it is important to see how that leads to wanting gratitude and other unhealthy patterns. One adoptee responded to that with this – “WOW! CAN YOU ELABORATE MORE?! I have become so hyper independent, it’s bad/sad. My adoptive parents had two biological kids and adopted me 15 years later.” Someone else understood – We learned to try and control the situation, so we could be safe.

A mother who lost her child to adoption writes – Yeah if I wasn’t co-dependent (as a result of trauma growing up) then, I’m sure I wouldn’t have given my son up. I would’ve had the confidence to say no and stand up for myself. Another responded – I would not have bought into the idea that another mother would be better than me.

The more common trait in adoptive mothers is narcissism. One wrote – the two are similar and it’s important we don’t try to diagnose ourselves. But those who try to break the trauma cycle are more likely to be the co-dependent one. Narcissists usually don’t have the self awareness or empathy to admit their mental health needs. If you’re curious look at covert narcissists. (from LINK>VeryWell Mind – A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance, lacking empathy toward others but may act in a different way than an overt narcissist. They may exhibit symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but often hide the more obvious signs of the condition.)

Financial Compensation Truth

Some suggestions in my all things adoption group today from a former foster care youth, adoptee and mother who lost her own child to adoption –

What I want to discuss is the financial compensation foster and adoptive parents often receive (not always). If you are a Foster Parent or Adoptive Parent – listen: Do not try to hide the fact you make money from this. Communication and transparency is important, regardless of age. Express that it’s THEIR money, earned for them.

Example: “Our family receives this check to help support you. You’ve been growing so big and I think it would be fun to use this money on new clothes! What do you think? We could also put it into your savings account.”

Don’t downplay it by expressing how it’s ‘not enough’.. Of course not, no government assistance ever is. But at the end of the day you are being paid money to parent another person’s child. That is an unnatural concept and can make a child feel dehumanized, like an item to be bought and sold.

Do you know what it feels like to look around and realize your family is being paid to love you? If you think “Pft nooo we LOVE them! my FC/AC would know it’s not like that–” then you clearly need more time listening to the broken hearts of stolen children. Sometimes all the love in the world can’t cure that “I was paid for” feeling. It takes therapy.

For me, I never knew people profited from my custody. I was a foster youth, adopted at 12, and then my adoptive parent died when I was 15. I down spiraled and by 16, I was raising my premature son in a shelter/group home. A month in, staff hands me a check for $1.7k with my name on it. My legal guardian on paper (the ex-husband of my dead adoptive parent) had been cashing these checks every month, despite not having lived in our home for two years. I was told by my social worker that they’d last until I was 21 and she helped me open a savings account for my son. I used my final checks for a down payment on my first apartment. I was a homeowner by 25.

Moral of the story is that it’s wrong to hide from kids that the foster or adoptive parent receives compensation. Yes, the aid ‘isn’t enough’ to help some struggling families, but IMO those people should have stabilized their situations prior to fostering. You shouldn’t depend on subsidies as an income; The child is not there to support you. You wouldn’t give birth to a child and expect them to somehow contribute financially to the family, right?

Financial literacy is such a vital skill to learn and this is a great opportunity to teach it to them from a young age. Begin a conversation. We deserve it!

Reality. Finally this from the LINK>Foster Parent Journal – Foster-to-adopt parents are entitled to continuing support after the adoption. This may include a monthly per diem subsidy, medical insurance, reimbursement for expenses, a federal tax credit, and help later with college tuition.

In some cases, the reality is it IS about the money and NOT about the welfare of a child. Some of these people are not saviors but opportunists.

Encompass Adoptees

Thanks to a mention by a friend, I learned about LINK>Encompass Adoptees. I had not heard of them before and so I wanted to share the awareness. This is what they write about their mission – Encompass provides resources and services for individuals of all ages with adoptive, foster, kinship care, (AFK) or similar adverse childhood experiences, as well as their families. Encompass has recently expanded to include services for donor conceived people (DCP) with the understanding that DCP have started to speak about having some similar and overlapping issues related to their donor parent. Our goal is to help create bridges to encourage awareness, facilitate discussion, provide educational resources, and build community among individuals with these experiences, within families, and throughout the local Columbus area.

Regarding their logo, they write – The whydah bird is one of several birds that always lay their eggs in another bird’s nest. Since the whydah does not raise its own young, we have chosen this element of nature as a symbol of adoption and foster care for our organization. Adoption is a difficult thing to put an image to. Encompass Adoptees makes every attempt to honor and acknowledge the adoptees who are adults as well as those who are children. Therefore, we chose an image that would not reflect the adopted person as an eternal child.

They also write that their commitment is to “lived experience” is a unique feature of Encompass: we offer programming designed by those with lived experience (adoption, foster care, kinship care for those with lived experience). This approach is evident in our programming, resources, and outreach efforts. While we seek to honor adult AFKD voices in key leadership positions and programs, we also believe that in order to best serve them, we must include the voices of as many constellation members as possible. Additional services for other constellation members, such as spouses, siblings, extended relatives, and professionals, are some we hope to include as we grow.

Abandoned in a Cardboard Box

In looking for an image to illustrate today’s story, I was surprised at how common it actually is for parents to use a cardboard box as a bassinet. The story I read in LINK>The Huffington Post isn’t actually about this. The story by Shari Leid is titled – “I Was Found Abandoned In A Cardboard Box As A Baby. All My Life I’ve Been Searching For The Truth About Who I Am.” The subtitle is – “Now a mother myself, I often think about the emotions that must have swirled within my birth mother during her pregnancy.”

She writes – In the bustling streets of Seoul, South Korea, my life began at Chapter 2 with a cardboard box in a nondescript parking lot. There was no Chapter 1; the scant police, hospital and orphanage records offer no clues about my birth name, birthplace, or birthdate. My birth story is shrouded in mystery. It was 1970, a time when adoption, especially international adoption, was navigated with less understanding than it is today. Concepts like the significance of bonding between a baby and its mother during the first year of life were not as widely recognized or prioritized.

She goes on to note – Attachment, the emotional bond between a child and their primary caregiver, is now known to play a pivotal role in shaping our relationships and emotional well-being. My early life was marked by a series of caregivers ― from a birth family to a police station to a hospital ward to an orphanage and finally to a foster home ― before being escorted to the United States by representatives of an adoption agency to meet my adoptive parents. This early experience laid the foundation for the complex web of attachment issues I would grapple with throughout my life.

Not for the first time have I read this from an adoptee – the school project that I hated the most was the Family Tree assignment. It was a stark reminder that I was like a grafted branch, awkwardly attached to a tree that wasn’t originally mine. And the thing with grafts is, they don’t always take ― sometimes they stick out, not quite blending in, or they might not even survive if they don’t heal right.

She relates the effects of her attachment issues – In those tricky teen years and my early 20s, I struggled with trust in my relationships. I was continually searching for assurance, for tangible signs that the people in my life would remain steadfast, that our connections would endure the inevitable storms. Looking back, I recognize this was a dance with fear ― the fear of being forgotten, of being alone. Unintentionally, I placed those around me under the microscope of my insecurities, seeking constant validation of their affection and commitment.

Then she describes how becoming a mother affected her – Now a mother myself, having experienced the profound journey of pregnancy and childbirth, I often think about the emotions that must have swirled within my birth mother during her pregnancy. I can’t help but wonder whether she, too, grappled with a sense of emotional detachment ― an act of self-preservation, knowing she couldn’t keep me — and if she transferred those feelings of detachment and anxiety to her unborn child.

She notes that there is a profound power in having a birth narrative. Hers came by way of a psychic at a friend’s party. She was given the gift of a reimagined beginning. It is interesting that after marriage, she and her husband adopted a girl from China only to discover that this woman was already pregnant. This happens more often than you might think (an adoption brings with it a pregnancy). Her son was born a mere seven months after they returned from China.

She notes – We adoptees are not just the sum of our adopted family; we are the continuation of a history, the carriers of genetics, and the embodiment of potential that stretches back beyond our memory. Our birth families, with all their mysteries and absences, are still a vital piece of our identity, a narrative thread that is ours to weave into the story of our lives.

There is a lot of attention to Korean adoptee stories these days – 112,000 Korean children were adopted by US citizens over the last 60 years. The story author writes – In 2020, the South Korean National Police Agency began offering a service to overseas adoptees of Korean descent that provides a way for us to submit our DNA and register it with foreign diplomatic offices, in the hopes of reconnecting with our biological families. I provided my DNA sample, but to this day, there has been no match.

Just Need A Little More Time

Today’s story –

Our state has a mandated “permanency plan” that kicks in at 15 months of the past 22 in care. Adoption is the strong preference. Does anyone have any experience with a system like this and being able to successfully advocate more time for reunification to happen? We are 32 days away from that 15 month mark and we are not possibly going to be in a place where reunification is realistic in that timeframe, but mom is making HUGE strides and can absolutely do this with an appropriate amount of time. There are complicating factors – she is a domestic violence (victim) and a past substance user. I fear the state will use these against her, despite her incredible work over the past 4 months.

If they move forward with a termination of her parental rights, despite her work, are we able to do anything to reunify ourselves ? If we can get them to agree to guardianship instead of adoption ? This family just needs more time and I want to make sure we are doing everything possible to get her that time.

In addition to this sibling group of littles, we also have a teenager. She asked for a termination of parental rights and wants to be adopted. She is very excited about not having to go home and be with her family anymore. Her situation is different as she is 17, which means she gets to make her own choices. Any suggestions for how to talk about what she wants and is asking for and her joy at ending her first family ties, while also holding space for how deeply tragic that would be for the littles ? I don’t want the littles to think that we want that for them, or to think that because it’s happy for the teen that it would be happy for them. What is best for these two groups of children is different and I want to make sure we don’t hurt either of them in the process of celebrating the other. Thanks for your ideas and help!

Some help comes – are the Littles old enough to understand that while you love them and want to have them there until their mom is able to finish “getting her stuff together” – that the older child’s parents weren’t able to do what was needed for them to be a safe person ? If they know their mom, it may be a bit easier to explain that they’re living with you, while their mom gets some help and takes care of things.

Another who was in foster care as a youth notes – I would personally go with like, “mom is getting some help to take care of herself, so that she can take care of you again safely” but language choices can be altered a bit depending on the specific circumstances. That’s how it was framed for me when I first entered care at a younger age and my mom had similar circumstances to this mom, substance abuse, dual diagnosis, plus the intimate partner violence factor.

A family advocate writes – 15 months is federal law, the Adoption and Safe Families Act. At 15 months, the state must pursue termination of parental rights and adoption – unless there is a compelling reason to continue working reunification. If mom is making progress but just not quite there, the compelling reason is that she could reasonably be ready to reunify within a time frame that would still be in the best interests of the children. There could be a goal change requested, but I would be surprised if that judge approved that, if she’s doing well. Mom needs to document everything she’s working on and every objective measurable bit of progress she’s made. Her attorney can present this to the judge to argue against a goal change. But if the team sees her progress, they may not even request it.

Secure Attachment

I read a comment unrelated to the topics in this blog encouraging the need for secure attachments – “If we would start at the beginning of life and support the development of secure attachment, I think that we would have fewer damaged people to deal with.” So, I went looking and found this at LINK>The Attachment Project –

Attachment disruption occurs for all adoptive children as they experience separation from their primary caregivers. Whether their early relationships were secure or insecure, the separation breaks the early attachment bond. What’s more, for some adoptive children, attachment bonds break multiple times as they move from placement to placement before reaching their permanent adoptive home.

The first two years after birth are essential for forming healthy early attachment relationships. In this critical window of time, children develop their “template” or “mental representation” of what a caregiver-child relationship looks and feels like. In fact, at just six weeks of age, children start to prefer their primary and secondary caregiver(s) over others. This preference forms because children begin to develop trust that their caregivers will attend to their needs at this stage of their life. They start to understand that when they cry for food, love, and attention, their caregiver will give it to them. Or, in some instances, won’t.

Therefore, this early window of time is clearly vital for a child’s understanding of whether other people are trustworthy and dependable. And also for the establishment of healthy levels of self-worth and confidence. After all, children’s templates for self-view are grounded in how the people closest to them tend to their needs.

Attachment disorder can occur due to separation from caregivers or being moved from one to another, like with adoption or foster care. Attachment disorder in adopted children is called adoption attachment disorder. These childrens’ difficulties engaging with and being soothed by their caregivers are protective behaviors learned through childhood.

Anger problems or control issues may manifest in children with insecure early attachments. Attachment difficulties often persist into adulthood. Insecure-ambivalent parents often express a wide array of emotional states to their infant, some of which may be “negative” such as distress upon crying or occasional detachment. Adoptive parents may not often connect with their infant through physical touch and language. Thus, attention is lacking. A parent who has an insecure attachment with their parent is susceptible to passing this down. Infants adopted at birth may also struggle to attach to their adoptive parents, and parents may not find it easy to jump into nurturing right away.

blogger’s note – in letters my mom’s adoptive mother wrote back to the Tennessee Children’s Home after taking my baby mom from Memphis TN to Nogales AZ by train indicate that she struggled to respond to my mom’s distress and it appears from what she wrote that she even resorted to a “calming” medication from her pediatrician to assist her.

Young Adult Decisions

A woman writes in my all things adoption group – I work in child advocacy. Full transparency, I’m hoping for support but definitely open to hearing the hard things.

I’m so conflicted after being in this group. Some young adults I advocated for in their youth (today they are 21 and 23) have asked to be adopted by me and my husband and we’ve agreed. It was completely their idea and I’ve shared the complicated reality of what it would look like (changing their birth certificates etc). Should I try to get them to further discuss in therapy, or should I accept that this is truly what they want? Both aged out of foster care after 4-6 years in/out of the system. Though they continue to have contact with their biological parents, they have largely felt abandoned and say that they just want to feel “claimed.” Should I trust that they are adults and going into this eyes wide open? It feels wrong to celebrate, but they are honestly bouncing off the walls with excitement about it. They have requested to change their names and everything. I hate to diminish their joy, even though I have reservations. Maybe adult adoption really is that different and I’m worried over nothing.

If I do go through with it, I will have to start identifying myself as adoptive mother in this group and that feels icky to me after all I’ve learned from you. Yes, I know it’s not the same as infant adoption, but I still feel conflicted.

The response from an adoptee – If they are adults and are making this request on their own without any prompting from you, then I see nothing wrong with it. They are old enough, and seem to understand what it is they’re asking for.

Mental Health Challenge

Mental health issues are important to me. I have dealt with serious ones within my own birth family. Today’s story –

I am asking for ideas on how to best help my sister. Last week I got a phone call from my sister begging me to come get her daughter because she had an angry outburst towards her daughter. I left work, called my husband, and we went to her house. We came up with a plan to temporarily have her daughter stay with us (not a custody agreement, basically more like a sleep over) and keep her until my sister could get some mental help. I live 5 minutes away from my sister, so it’s a very close drive.

Later that night my sister called and accused us of trying to steal her daughter, take control, and strip her of her rights. We immediately explained that we had absolutely no intent of that and she had every single right to come get her daughter and I promised her that I only want what is best for both my sister and her baby. She ended up deciding to leave her daughter with us. Each day we keep heavily in contact, I ask permission before doing anything with her daughter and assure her that she is the best mother for her daughter and that I support her.

However my sister is not showing interest in trying to get help mentally. (blogger’s note – this is an issue I have dealt with in my own family.) She also keeps saying things like “R is happier at your house” “R does not listen to me like she does you” and making comments about R needing to stay at my house permanently. It’s not even been a full week and I want to give her time. My question is how can I help? What are things that I need to do during this time to help my sister and also keep her relationship with my niece intact. I try reminding her that she is an amazing mother. I try reminding her that I also have had periods in my life where I had to seek help due to my own mental health. I just feel like I’m not supporting her enough. I want to help break the cycle (we faced this with our own birth mother). I want to make sure I am not over stepping. I want to make sure I am not enabling either. I also don’t want to put unrealistic expectations on her that might cause more harm.

A suggestion from an adoptee who has had a similar life experience – When I was only 17, I was taking care of my brother’s kids (at the time he was in his 40s. and his girlfriend was in her 30s). My suggestion is that I would try to go over to her house or have her stay with you and help her navigate the relationship with her daughter. Try to see what is triggering her outbursts and go from there. She might need professional help. I went through a similar situation with my ex-sister-in-law. Her wakeup call was when the kids were being taken into foster care. How often does your sister get a break from being (I assume) a single mom ? How old is your niece ? She might just need a break. Set up a schedule and take your niece a few times a month, when it works with y’alls schedule. I’m always offering to take friend’s kids or my nieces and nephews to spend time with me and my kids.