Why Me And Not Her ?

Hi my dearest sister. How are you? What’s new? How is everything? I miss you a lot.

A mother of loss asks for advice – It’s a closed adoption and the rules are strict about writing letters through the team I’m with to the adoptive parent. My daughter that was adopted is now 12 years old and my raised/kept daughter is 6. She’s seen all my stuff on her adoptive sister and has read the letters. She wants to join me in writing my next one.

There are things we can and can’t put in them but with that understanding, what ideas could I give her about writing to her sister’s adoptive parents from her? This is new for me with her wanting to join in. I’ve been writing mine for 10 years now. I know what I can write but I feel stuck with helping her write one. If this was you, what would you put in a letter like that. Even things I know I can’t write, may still us some ideas.

One adoptee writes – If I could have received letter from my birthmother’s kept children, I would have wanted to know more about them. Maybe what a typical day was like for her. Her interests and hobbies. Whether or not she had pets. I can assure you, at 12, I had questions I’m sure can’t be discussed like – why me and not her ?

Another adoptee seconds that – I would’ve wanted to know all about my sister. What’s her name, what color of hair does she have, does she like the same things as me ? I would want to know everything. Does she get these letters as a child or when she turns 18 ? This is really awesome, I wish I had letters or a natural mom who cared about me. In answer, the mom says – they get saved by the adoptive parents, if she’s not having them read to her. If it’s not suitable to read yet, I am still allowed to give it to the adoptive parent; then my daughter has to wait until she’s 18. It depends, really. It’s only letters back and forth. I’ve been doing these for 10 years and I’m thankful, though there’s a lot about that I hate too, especially the rules about writing them and what we’re allowed/can do and say. Otherwise, I appreciate being able to write and receiving the letters back as well.

A kept sibling responds – I was about 10, when my brother found our mom. He was in his early 30s. We wanted to know absolutely everything about each other. I’m 36, we both still have the letters we wrote back and forth in the mid-90s. My 10 year old self wanted to know favorite color, food, bday, siblings, all those trivial things. I couldn’t wrap my mind around him being my brother. Then I spent time in and out of foster care, and we lost contact for years. We got back in touch when I was mid-20s.

An adoptive parent responds – I know a little about what you are/aren’t allowed to say, usually it would be identifying information but I’m not sure if that’s just about minor children or if it’s about adults as well. For your daughter, I imagine she will have ideas of what she wants to write to her sister but do check that your adopted daughter knows she has a sister. My adopted children, who are biological siblings, ask about their other siblings, how old are they, what do they look like, what are their names (and they keep asking this, even though they know the answers, I think just for reassurance or to check that their memories are correct). These are the kinds of questions kids ask each other – do they have pets, where do they live, do they like the “XYZ” TV program, what kinds of food, what games do they play ?

Not Uncommon At All

Today’s adoptee story –

I reconnected with my biological mom, confirmed a LOT I was told by some mysterious people and as a treat I called my “dad” (adoptive dad) and confronted him about all the lies he and my “mom” told me. He vehemently denied it of course but then, he was like “it’s water under the bridge anyway.” SO YOU ADMIT IT…

For context: my adoptive parents told me ever since I was little that my bio mom wanted an abortion but they tried to get her to be a parent for 2 years.

The TRUTH is that my biological mom was just 16 and scared. She was told it would be an open adoption (blogger’s note – commonly used to get cooperation but never enforceable) where she would still have visitation rights. But my adoptive parents tricked her and had her sign a closed adoption agreement. My biological mom was too trusting of my adoptive parents and they held it over her for years, until my adoptive mom finally cut her off when I was 10. She went so far as to even intercept mail and calls, making it where I couldn’t easily find my biological mom for years, even into my adulthood. I finally found her 3 months ago but she was in jail for a DUI. Her life has been pretty bad since she had a falling out with my half brother. My biological mom isn’t perfect but in the few hours we talked, she was kinder and more honest than my adoptive parents ever were.

One response was – Stories like this are why I am all for the complete and utter abolishing of adoption. The system is never going to get better.

The Whys and What Ifs

This was posted in my all things adoption group creating a bit of outrage and controversy. Some people here have such negative opinions about adoption or trying to find a family member to take them. What if the parents are messed up and sometimes it goes back generations? What if the other family members don’t want the kids? Adoption is not a bad word and helps many kids find stability. I have 6 adopted children with 3 different mothers involved and we all get along. I don’t judge them or bring up their past and they may not like the fact that they have to go through me to be in their children lives. I will tell you it works. I share everything with them about their children and even let them come to events. I deal with grandma’s and aunts and uncles and it works. They thank me for standing up, when relatives sat down and refused to take part. In a world where it takes a village, you are extremely naive to believe one person can get it done. I get it things don’t always work out as planned and the path you are on may all the sudden change. Foster and adoptive parents are heroes who take on challenges and many times don’t see the results of their labor. The situation is not perfect because you place people together with hopes, dreams and expectations and it never works out the way you’ve planned. Let’s face it though – that’s life.

Unsurprisingly, there were a lot of comments (188) and I won’t be sharing all of them but will selectively share a few. This person’s perspective on adoption and the need for it is not uncommon in adoptionland or among adoptive parents. No one wants to know that any child is abused or neglected. That should go without saying but sometimes it still must be said.

One said – you don’t think my messed up family loves their children??? These people need to stop taking children, they’re not saving them.

Another one notes (and I have seen this more times than I have a number for) – my adoptive parents were messed up.

Someone else said what must be said – All children deserve to be raised in a safe and loving home with parents who want them and are equipped to raise them. The issues arise when there are barriers to that happening and society prioritizes giving the child away over removing the barriers. Describing adoptive parents as ‘heroes’ feeds into that mistaken prioritization.

One noted – pretty sure my family has a book on surviving fucked up!!!! We still fought to keep our family together!! I will always, always argue family is best!!

The current activist/reformist perspective is – Stewardship or Guardianship. Then there is no need for “adoption” AT ALL.

One asked the hard questions – Why does helping families in crisis include owning their children? You said it yourself, “it takes a village” – so why does the one with most resources get to own the children? Why is it such a hard concept that the whole family should be lifted up out of crisis? Why does a child have to lose everything just to receive care?

An adoptive parent writes – the reality is that adoption is not all joy and perfection. The trauma that adopted children face is a reality, there are many different factors behind the trauma but there is no denying that taking a child from their mother is trauma. Are you able to set aside how amazing you think you are, in fact can you take off the superhero cape that you wear from long enough to try and understand the words of adult adoptees? Adoptive parents are not saviors, we are not hero’s. All of our stories and experiences are different but we can learn so much from adult adoptees and try to do better.

Someone else notes – We aren’t saying that adoption is evil, we are just saying it is mostly evil (today as things are). It is a corrupted system where children are the fodder for the selfish. We are trying to make changes so there is more help for families to stay together and less child trafficking. Children, should only be removed from their natural parents in the most dire of circumstances (Rape, Murder, Incest, etc.) And even then, being adopted is and will be traumatizing. The children suffer for it and will need life long access to therapy. If it is safe enough for children to visit with and see their parents, then it is safe enough for total reunification. It is a sick world we live in, where stealing a baby is commended but helping someone through the struggles of human life, so they can parent their own kids is rarely brought up.

Blogger’s Note – No wonder I spend time nearly every day trying to be part of the answer to what is wrong about adoption.

Send A Letter

The lyrics in an old song – The Letter by The Box Tops – could fit the story for today –

Lonely days are gone, I’m a-goin’ home
My baby, just a wrote me a letter
I don’t care how much money I gotta spend
Got to get back to my baby again

An adoptee writes that she is seeking advice on whether to reach out to her biological father. It’s been about six months since she found out his identity through sleuthing and ancestry links. When she was still trying to figure out who it was, she narrowed it down to one family and stupidly cold called. She now knows it was her paternal grandmother. She did not take the news well and was not kind about it either. She told the to leave them alone and never contact them again. Since then her biological mother (who she’s never met but have contact with on social media) confirmed his identity and admitted that the story she gave to the adoption agency wasn’t the true story. It’s still unclear if he knows about her existence – he definitely didn’t at the time of her birth. She is considering writing a letter because calling or emailing just doesn’t seem like the right way to do it. Though she worries he may never answer her letter, it would be worse to leave this hanging.

By way of encouragement, another one writes – I sent a snail mail letter to my biological family, with pictures of me and my family. It worked well for me. Good luck!!

And an even better success story – My biological father “thought” he might have been my father but until I reached out at the age of 30, he didn’t want to interrupt my life because he didn’t know what I did or didn’t know. I found the link thanks to Ancestry DNA and emailed his mother. She told me that Ancestry must have been mistaken. She is a sweet woman who just didn’t quite understand DNA testing. She has since accepted my children as her great grandchildren and loves to hear all about us. But at first, she gate kept because she just didn’t know and was afraid of what I wanted.

My dad and I have since established a relationship and he moved (and his wife and their child) 400 miles to live 3 miles from me and my family. Our relationship has its great days, good days, and rough days. I don’t regret reaching out. My biological mother raised me until she passed away when I was 7 and then I was raised under legal guardianship in a not so great situation with my stepfather before leaving his house and living with my mother’s parents who claimed to have no idea who my biological father was. I did not reach out until after they passed away.

I initially only wanted medical information. They have since become some of my biggest cheerleaders and love their grand babies dearly.

Blogger’s note – It was the same with my mom – adoptees lack family medical history. That is the reason that many want contact with their biological family.

Sad Stories

Not just sometimes, many times, I hate what adoption does to families. So today, yet another sad story of a mother separated from her child. An open adoption agreement that turns into a lie. This happens too often to not be expected going in but the ones who go in trust the agreement until it is broken – and many times it is.

A woman became pregnant at the age of 18 and was 19 when her daughter was born. I can relate, that is what happened to me although I was married first – thankfully – it could have turned out differently . . .

She chose adoption because she really didn’t believe that she had another choice. She had never heard of an open adoption. The family she chose was the first and only family she looked at. They sounded great to her. They were also adopted and had relationships with their biological parents. She believed that, if anyone could relate to anything her daughter might feel growing up, these people could. Upon meeting them, she was offered an open adoption.

So things were going great for 3 years. The agreement was for 2 visits a year. Aware that her vulnerability could risk a rupture, she was cautious in her behavior at these visits. She didn’t want to over step her authority or make the adoptive parents uncomfortable. She never referred to her own daughter as that around them or in direct communication with them.

It appeared that all was well until the little girl turned 3. A visit was scheduled and 2 hours before she was due to arrive, the adoptive parents asked if they could reschedule the visit to take place a few weeks later. The woman waited 2 months for a date. Finally, she tried calling them. The number was no longer in service. I have encountered variations on this story more times than I might hope to believe happens.

Her adoption worker, from that day on, always said she had no idea where they were and hadn’t heard from them. Fast forward 14 years. Her daughter turned 17 in April. The original mother found her daughter on Facebook and sent a friend request. She didn’t really think it through and admits that maybe it was selfish of her but she understandably just wanted to see her daughter’s face and know she was okay. When my own adoptee mom was searching, she said to me that as a mother herself, she would want to know what became of her child. Unfortunately, by then, my maternal grandmother had already died.

Back to this sad story, the woman was immediately blocked. The adoptive mother messaged her asking her not to reach out to her daughter again, at least not until she is an adult. This woman is willing to respect their wishes, sadly to me adding, “she is THEIR daughter”. The adoptive mother claimed in receiving the friend request, the daughter thought that her original mother was a stalker. The adoptive mother claims the daughter knows she is adopted and about her original mother. She said the girl doesn’t have any questions and doesn’t want to know anything more. She just wants things to go back to normal.

The whole exchange does not feel entirely believable to this woman. The turnaround of 15 minutes was too fast.

This woman went on to give birth to a son who is 12 years old (he is 5 years younger than his sister). When the woman did speak to the adoptive mother, the adoptive mother shifted the blame, saying this woman was the cause of contact ending because it was too hard for the original mother to bear. Yet the adoptive mother knew the original mother had had a son and believed this woman was now happy with her life as it had become.

The rub is – the only way they would have known that was by being in contact with adoption worker. All those years of the adoption worker saying she didn’t know where they were, it was a lie.