Tag: Gratitude Demands

One-Sided Relationships

Today’s story – So I’m an adoptee. It was a closed adoption. My birth mother kept me a secret from everyone. Thankfully, due to a search angel and 23 and Me, I was able to find my half brother on my biological father’s side. We have a pretty good relationship.

My question is – why is it that, it seems like if we want to get together, I have to be the one to drive up to his family ? All the times we’ve gotten together, it’s been my 10 year old daughter and I driving 4 1/2 hours to see them ? I’ve invited them down for the last several years to be here for her birthday and they either forget or something comes up and they just don’t respond. Yet they’ll go up to Arkansas, 3-4 times a year, to visit his half brother and now come to find out they are moving there. Also, why is it that none of my other family wants to come up and meet them ?

I thought finding him would fill some whole but the fact is it didn’t. I feel more isolated and unattached to everyone more than ever. Is this a common thing ? Is it me ? Am I not good enough or am I just crazy with unrealistic hopes ?

One response noted – lots of people are one sided in their relationships – I have a cousin who, every time I drive to California (6 hours from my home), expects us to drive an additional 2 hours to see him/his family from wherever we are (and will never drive to meet us, where we are). However, every time he comes to Arizona (every few months – makes sure no one knows he/his family are in town, until after he leaves and makes excuses as to why he didn’t reach out). I made this the year I stop putting in all the effort. If a relationship is one-sided, then I am done doing it all. I haven’t talked to either of my two close friends since June, due to this kind of situation. I stopped being the one doing all the calling and planning. I find there is something freeing and I am now focusing my energy elsewhere.

Yet another notices the same thing –  some people do a poor job thinking about how their actions (or lack of) affect others. I’ve see this “one way” effort, so so so many times, in all types of family dynamics. That is not to excuse the behavior but to say you’re not unrealistic, your feelings are 100% valid on this, there’s NOTHING wrong with you (you ARE enough) – I’m so sorry for that added pain and heart ache and I hate to report this behavior is not uncommon.

One adoptee shared – I hate this because I’ve been experiencing something similar with my biological family members. They even all got together this summer for two months and didn’t even bother to let me know. They choose to prioritize each other because that’s who they consider “family” and I’m still just the one begging to be acknowledged and invited, where all the effort falls on me or else everyone fades away. But I still will be doing it, flying out there for the holidays this year, even though I have considerably worse health problems than everyone else and don’t even have a steady income right now, because I don’t want to let the opportunities pass me by, and because I don’t have my own real “family”. So I guess I’ll settle for whatever crumbs I’m given. It really sucks, though. And then I feel bad for not just being grateful I get to have any contact with them at all, when so many never get that chance. It’s all so sick and unnatural and I’m so sorry you also have to experience anything like this.

A mom who surrendered a child to adoption answers – the only question of yours that I can answer is that you are definitely “good enough”. I’m so sorry you’re feeling isolated and unattached. I just wanted you to know YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Another adoptee writes – I struggle with this too. I don’t know how or where we fit. It’s confusing. Sometimes I think it’s harder for them to come to your territory. It’s scary for them. I always went to my birth family’s home to visit too.

A therapist notes –  this is not about you. You are good enough. I cannot fathom what it is like to find family you never knew existed and what that means to them. So we do not know what motivates their behavior. You could ask for what you want and see what happens. That is a risk. Regardless, it all feels bad and I am sorry for that.

One adoptive parent notes – I was raised by my biological mother and she treats me this way. Sometimes people just suck at peopling. And being good family members. Or being nurturing and understanding. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to feel this way.

Another adoptee writes – You’re not alone. When I found my paternal side over a year ago, my half brother’s widow and her children seemed so happy I found them. They thought they had no family on that side. I was it. We texted, they sent dozens of pics, they couldn’t wait to meet me. Now there is zero interest. When I comment on a rare Facebook posting by the kids or send a text to my sister-in-law, I get either nothing or a brief text back. I guess I knew this would happen. But it still makes me feel back to being someone without a family.

Another adoptee shares a COVID experience – I found my biological dad through Ancestry or 23 and Me about 5 yrs ago and thought we have a great relationship but I had to go to him first – 3 times. Over 3,000 miles, one way, twice and closer the first time because he happened to be near me but I finally put my foot down. He travels about 5-6 times a year – at least – and to extravagant places we could never afford – for weeks at a time. I take 1 week a year of vacation, if I’m lucky, so I said I have other places I want to go and I’ve visited 3 times (and paid the costs of travel) and so, it’s their turn. Every time he offered, I said “your turn”. I was kind of surprised when they finally agreed and came. So when he and his wife did finally come, he got COVID and was super sick – so it was only a 2 day visit until that happened. I do hope they come again. He’s older and I don’t want regrets but also, like you, I want to be wanted. It’s not that much to ask really. Set your boundaries. I think we set ourselves up for being walked on by not expecting give and take. Keep saying “your turn”, when invited, and see what happens. It took a while on my end but it happened because I didn’t budge. Sometimes I hear of them traveling a lot closer to me and not suggesting we connect – which sucks – but I keep setting how I want to be treated and try not to let any slights be absorbed. I’m not chasing love anymore. I am enough and so are you.

One male adoptee shares – My birth father lives about 3 hours from me and we have yet to meet in person. We have exchanged emails but he doesn’t seem too enthusiastic to meet up. I mean, I kind of get it. I was a mistake that a 15 year old and a 16 year old made. I have met my birth mother and she was happy to meet me. Sperm donor ?, maybe, not so much a father.

Yet another adoptee notes – as the adoptee, it is on us to do All The Things, Forever. We are used to adjusting, to making room, to accommodating everyone else. The people we find may fill a hole in our lives, but to them we’re “extra”, not “missing.” And we’re expected to “understand”, whenever we are abused or forgotten.

Someone else noted – There could be a lot of reasons, most of which boil down to: he likes and cares about you, but doesn’t feel as strongly about your relationship as you do. Maybe it is limited time/money for travel, so he uses it on the family he feels closer to/has longer relationships with. He’s probably still very happy for you to visit but unwilling to change his priorities enough to come to you.

It sounds like he feels about you the same way I feel about some of my cousins – happy to see them, interested in their lives, but we’re not super close and don’t spend the time/money to see each other often. The difference is that we all feel the same way, so there’s no pain from unequal investment in the relationship.

It sucks, and I’m sorry. It sounds very much like having the depth/strength of sibling bond you want and deserve is something that adoption has taken from you. It’s not your fault, and it’s not fair.

Deconstructing The Fantasy

Today’s question from an adoptee – How do you guys start reframing your minds and deconstructing the lies and fantasy you were told ?

I’m 27. I was lied to – until I was 13 and then, told I was adopted and to not let my adoptive mother know, I knew. I hid it, was able to find my siblings and develop a relationship with them, and then, my adoptive mom found out and forbid me from speaking to them, till I was out of her house.

It was the usual spiel. “we CHOSE You.” We took you in, when your own family didn’t want you. You’re special because we picked you. Your parents didn’t want you. Your biological family chose drugs over you. They never wanted you, but they wanted your siblings. We cared for you and took you in and loved you, and you need to be grateful about that because you could have ended up somewhere so much worse. You owe us your gratitude.

Y’know. The usual drama.

Now at 27, my adoptive father, whom I loved dearly passed. I’m no contact with my adoptive mother now for nearly 6 years. My biological mom and I have a relationship but there is nothing maternal to it. And my biological dad passed away 2 years ago from cancer.

I’m trying to deconstruct my thoughts. For the longest time I was proud of being chosen. Proud of being wanted. But then, it became manipulative with abuse tactics and the usual nonsense, when you’re raised by a narcissist. And I realized, I was nothing more than a trophy to show off how good of a person she was. Anything off about me was squashed and medicated, so I appeared functional and perfect for her little charade. I was frequently threatened with medication changes, or to be sent back to foster care. Looking back, I’m realizing how much the things drilled into me, traumatized me. How much I struggled with feeling secure. How I never felt like I belonged. I struggled with all the questions about why I wasn’t wanted, why they wanted my sisters, why I wasn’t good enough.

I’ve done therapy. I’ve tried to process it but finding a good therapist that understands adoption trauma is hard. I’m tired of slipping up. Calling her my birth mom, not calling the other one my adoptive mom. I truly view her as nothing more than someone who attempted to raise me, but failed horrifically. She isn’t “mom”. I call her by her first name. But it’s so hard and confusing in conversations to not slip up or have to explain and answer the questions that follow.

How did you deconstruct your adoption and how do you handle using the terms that make you comfortable, when it causes confusion for others.

Another adoptee replied –  I think that deconstructing anything is a life long process. Much like trauma. There will always be times when we get hit with those feelings and responses. We can just keep plugging away at the work. When those things pop up I write. Pretty much just word vomit onto the page. It keeps the thoughts from having too much power. But I rarely worry how others view the language I use to describe my experiences. I have a terrible first mother, I have a negative nickname for her that I use everywhere but this group. I don’t need other people to understand it, but just respect it. It is all so hard and you are not alone.

Another woman who has been through the mill (I won’t go into all the ways because that isn’t necessary in this context but good to know where her feelings and perspective come from), says – collect the things you were told by your adoptive parent. And next to each, write what is the truth. And regarding her biological mom – don’t chase Love that was never given to you. Keep a superficial relationship and be thankful for what you’ve got. Some adoptees don’t have a biological mother that loved them or wanted them. Cherish the small wins. You did not receive unconditional love owed it to you by not one but two women. Now you need to be a parent to your inner child and keep repeating to yourself: “You are beautiful, you are sweet, I love you so much, You are my whole world.” All of the words your mothers should have said to you. You need to become a mother to your inner child. At the same time, heal from narcissistic abuse and from having a distant biological mother.

One adoptee shares – I was told that God gave me to them. That my birth mom was on drugs and knew she couldn’t be a mom, so she wanted me to have a better life. I was abused. I met my birth mom and there was family on my dad’s side who wanted me. I’m 38. It took a long time to make peace with all of it. Just accepting that everyone involved was messed up in the head. I can only do better for my own children and stop the generational curses on both sides. I know your pain, honestly having my own children and changing the script, is what has helped me the most.

An adoptive mother admits – I am deconditioning (perhaps, that is different than deconstructing) from everything I was fed, took on, believed about adoption. I tried therapy and still partake as needed, yet this is not what I’m talking about. Rather truly getting to the energetics of loss. The real transformation within me is inner child work and neuroplasticity brain retraining. This healing is an inside job. I spent a lot of time on this path and am finally seeing and miraculously feeling some results. They are not dependent on what anyone else thinks or feels about me. (Although positive relationships expedite the process.) It is definitely improving my relationship with my son. I’m less of a head case.

Another adoptee writes – It’s a work in progress. We have similar stories. I was told endless lies by my adoptive parents. I also experienced abuse and emotional neglect. The biggest issue which led to estrangement was that they did not tell me I had a brother, who they also tried to adopt. Once I met him and was getting to know him, the reality of what they concealed from me truly hit me and I cut them off. I cannot cope with them in my life, knowing they stole the opportunity for me and my brother to be in each other’s lives during childhood. These adoptive parents who enforce sibling separation, and even lie about existence of siblings, are the most evil of evil. I have a support system – my husband and in laws. I am doing what I can to build a relationship with my brother now and trying not to let the fact that we lost so much time consume me. Therapy. I’m looking at a career change. I would like to help other adoptees cope with similar issues. I feel better with my adoptive parents out of my life, they were toxic and unapologetic and I was in denial. I lost my adoptive sister due to their actions as well (she is estranged from all of us). They caused nothing but pain for me and I finally said enough is enough. All I can do is hope I’m capable of building relationships in the future and that they haven’t destroyed my ability to do so and continue to work on that. Personal growth and no backsliding, not letting myself wallow in pain.

An adoptee shared – I finally found a therapist that’s not only adoption trained, but an adoptee herself. The difference is amazing – previous therapists just had no understanding. So make it your mission to find that. Not easy, but worth it.