Tag: Grief

A Connection With Mom

From an adoptee – this is exactly how I’ve felt my whole life. Then, when I did get pregnant, this is what it felt like in the opposite way with my son inside me. He’s the first person I’ve ever met related to me and it’s such an awesome feeling. Biology matters!

A trans-racial adoptee affirms – this speaks so much. We are tied to our birth mother, even when we are given up at birth.

Another adoptee writes – It definitely resonates with me. Whether in reunion or not, we are always tied to our mothers.

A mother who relinquished due to coercion writes – Very much connected and bonded to my kiddo before he was born. Which is why the coercion comes into play. They want to sever that connection as long and as much as possible by messing with your brain so you sign those papers.

One adoptee shared the image above, saying – this highlights the depth of loss from the child’s perspective. If you can’t get them to care about the mother, maybe they’ll at least care about the impact separation has on the child.

One adoptee shared – My mom quoted a poem she read in an Ann Landers Column “I didn’t grow you under my heart but in it”. Blogger’s note – In trying to check this out, I found it was actually by LINK>Fleur Conkling Heyliger and relates to having adopted a child. The “mom” was likely her adoptive mother, not her birth mother. I suppose either Ann Landers was a more well-known name or that she actually did share this in a column but I couldn’t prove that. Another adoptee pushed back – except we grew in our Mother’s womb, just like everyone else. That poem is for an adoptive parents benefit.

Another adoptee regarding the drawing at the top of this blog wrote – The deep, lasting connection to our mothers wordlessly and clearly expressed. I like it a lot.

A mother of loss shares – This is why, when I first talked to my son at 30 years old, he said talking to me was so easy, it’s like he had known me forever. It’s a string that should never be broken.

One person shared her first reaction to the drawing at the top of this blog – when I first saw this, I immediately thought it was pro life propaganda. An adoptee admitted – I did too, but only for a flash – the heartbeat thing. Then my adoptee kicked in and I saw something else.

Another adoptee goes full in with a long comment – I think that no matter what – a child is always connected to their mother. They grew inside them, they are the one that gave them life. Their mother felt them grow and move inside their body and that connection is unmatched to any other sort of connection.

The drawing was shared because it relates to a specific situation and so, she elaborates on that – A minor being forced or pressured to give their child up for adoption would be such a devastating loss, especially if this is how the mom feels about her baby. The worst loss anyone can feel is the loss of a child and then, next the loss of a parent. Imagine trying to grieve that loss but knowing they are still alive.

You know you are still connected by that red string of fate but it was cut by adults who felt like they knew more or better than you did. I couldn’t imagine that feeling of emptiness or loneliness. I would anticipate the mother going into an emotional spiral if that was to happen.

I’m not sure exactly the situation with this young mom but Child Protective Services can and will support this young mom with this child. She DOES NOT need to give her child up for adoption. She needs a voice and an advocate to support her, to help her have a voice and be heard in a system that won’t hear her wants. She needs one person. One strong person to support her and advocate for her and support her in this journey and let her know that she can keep her baby with the help of a village. It won’t be easy, it’s going to be extremely hard. But it’s clear she wants to parent. She sees a future with her child and she should be given an opportunity to do that.

Explaining A Personal Choice

We are nearing the end of the line with fertility treatment. I’m hopeful as we have gotten further than people with my exact issues usually get, but staying realistic. (I’d rather be pleasantly surprised if we succeed, than totally crushed if we fail again.) I’ve been open about it, mostly cause I work as an RN in an oncology ward and need to avoid being around certain drugs (most of the drugs are fine with proper PPE, and the ones that aren’t don’t come up often enough to cause a burden).

Adoption was our first choice, until we researched it more, so most conventional advice on explaining why we aren’t adopting (which usually focuses on wanting a biological connection with a baby) doesn’t apply. How do I explain to the average person why we aren’t adopting ? Especially if the alternative turns out we will have to remain childless?

One suggested – You could just say adoption is unethical and if they ask further, you can get into it with them. She explains what she has been doing – “Talked about how there’s agencies that advertise that they’ll help you “sell yourself” to “birth moms” and how to reduce the “risk” that they’ll decide to parent. People tend to get the ick from that.”

Someone else shares – My husband and I don’t have biological children. I get asked often when I’m going to have kids or if I’m able to have kids. (What a weird thing to ask someone). My answer is always “I’m not sure if or when that will happen.” It’s really disheartening how often that’s followed by “you could always adopt!” Like it’s the cure all or something. Usually I say I’m not interested in adoption. Sometimes they ask why and sometimes they change the subject. If they ask why, I tell them I’ve learned how harmful it is. Most people don’t care if I say anything more about it after that, unfortunately. If they push, I offer resources, so they can learn too. You can lead a horse to water.

Another one shares – I had set aside the idea of adopting long long long ago, mainly because my now husband wasn’t interested and I didn’t think it should be done unless both parents were enthusiastic. But also I had started researching the foster system and realized it would be very difficult to take In a child of a different religion and integrate them into my family, especially because of diet. It comes up now because I have a two year old and wouldn’t mind having another but am not willing to go crazy with IVF to do so and I am pretty old. I mostly tell people that I don’t have enough confidence that any of the systems available to me are only placing children who absolutely need a new set of parents, and that seed of doubt would always be a problem for my bonding. That way I’m not erasing or disrespecting any of their perceptions of adoption in their family. I don’t really have the bandwidth to do that. (blogger’s note – more than one person appreciated this response – “I don’t have enough confidence that any systems available to me are only placing children who absolutely need a new set of parents.” )

One adoptive parent points out the obvious – why is it anyone’s business? I have never once asked a 30 year old friend why she and her husband never had children and she has never talked about it. And I think since the majority see adoption as a joyous event, you could never get them to fully understand how tragic it is – so why even try ? or risk shocking them. You could say – “Research has shown most adoptions are not in the best interests of children, and though I’m sure we could do an excellent job of raising a child, we are choosing not to participate.”

One foster parent shares her reality – We are in the final stages of the adoption process for the sibling group in our care that we’ve had for a couple of years now and I absolutely lose my shit on everyone who asks if we are excited or offers congratulations. I am heartbroken that it has come to this point, that Div of Children and Families isn’t willing to keep trying and that we have run out the clock, that there is no biological family willing to take them. I hold so much grief over this immense loss, and that I can’t protect them from this hurt. I tell anyone who will listen that these systems are broken and deeply harmful to families and that the trauma of being adopted is passed through generations and leads to so much attachment trauma. No one is meant to do this parenting thing alone, but a good village doesn’t cut the parents out, it augments that critical bond with more love and support for both parent and child. Putting time and energy and resources into making supports more widely available can keep families together and prevent so much of this trauma now and for generations to come.

One even suggested – A really good zinger is – if you know they have not adopted and they ask you why you aren’t going to adopt, is to ask them why *they* didn’t. They usually stammer and say “well…I had my own kids” or some equally stupid answer. So then you can go down a couple of paths…Then you’re saying only those of us that can’t have kids should adopt ? So you’re saying biological kids are better ? Kinda depends how salty you’re feeling at the moment with how on the spot you want to make them feel.

A Birth Mother’s Story

I didn’t technically know I was pregnant until I was almost 8 months along. I had been in jail for 4 months before I found out. I had a suspicion I was and the jail supposedly ran 2 blood work and 2 pee tests and kept telling me I wasn’t pregnant. I was around 4 months pregnant when I got to the jail so after being there for 4 months I was 8 months along when I got out. I had her about a month early and had went to one doctor’s appointment for her.

She came out July 2nd and was 4lbs 6ounces and just perfect. I met the adoptive parents through an agency. I met with them one time before I had her and absolutely fell in love with them. I’m having a hard time – missing her – but I know she is exactly where she is supposed to be. The family very much wants me involved in her life and I’m having a hard time with knowing if it’s better that she knows me from the start or if she would be better off not knowing. I have 2 other daughters that I don’t have unfortunately. My oldest daughter passed away in a house fire that happened and she went back in to try and save our puppies and never made it back out. They want to have her know about her sisters and that makes me happy. My other daughter is with her father for now.

My oldest daughter was with me when I gave birth. I had her on my mom’s birthday and my nurse’s name was Rilee, which was my daughter’s name. I know I did the right thing for my baby girl. She is going to have a wonderful life full of all the things I couldn’t give her at this time of my life.

It’s so hard not having her with me but seeing her pictures all the time, knowing she should have been mine and that I failed at life to the point that I couldn’t raise her properly, that kills me inside.

Adoption Knowledge Affiliates

I stumbled on this organization, LINK>Adoption Knowledge Affiliates AKA, today and am just passing along some information about them in case it is useful to anyone who reads these blogs.

AKA recognizes that adoption is a lifelong journey. If you have listened to adult adoptees at all you know this. They realize that only only people with a direct connection to adoption can really understand how wide reaching being adopted is. They are inclusive of the foster care and donor conceived community as well. They are a community of people who understand that the feelings connected to separation, identity, and loss can come up again and again for any member of our community.

Their site includes a blog. I found the most recent addition there useful – LINK>The Big Empty (But Don’t Talk About It). It was written in support of the theme – “Disenfranchised Grief and Ambiguous Loss.” She goes on to define what those two terms mean when she encounters them. The term “disenfranchised grief” refers to not being socially entitled to grieve. Ambiguous loss refers to those left without answers, without closure. 

She mentions that “I heard those terms bundled up like a two-fer and applied to members of the adoption constellation. Loss is the foundation upon which adoption is built, sometimes forged atop unresolved infertility grief. Birth/first parents are told to move past what little grief they’re permitted. Adoptive parents are told to act “as if” this new child had always been theirs.”

“And adoptees… Well, we’re left to live in that house constructed by everyone but us and, for the most part, don’t question what it’s made of. And we darn sure don’t peel back the wallpaper. Okay, enough with the house metaphor. You get it, right?”

More at the link above.

A Sad Truth

I read about this today – We adopted an 8 year old in June. She is not taking it very well. We decorated her room the way she asked. We are sending her to a fabulous school in September. We tell her we love her and we buy her toys. My parents came around with tons of gifts for her and my husband’s dad came to see her as well (his mother passed away).

She refuses to give her granny and grandpa a kiss. She refuses to call us mom and dad. We are trying to be patient but after waiting so long to have a child, we finally got a child but our child does not want us.

She thinks her mom is coming to get her. She was put into the system at the age of 6 due to neglect. Her mother is an alcoholic and her father isn’t around. Her mom forced her to steal alcohol and she got caught. I’m only sharing this because I don’t understand why our daughter does not want a regular mom and dad.

I just walked into her room to collect her laundry and saw her crying. When I asked her what the matter was, she told me that she has her own family who are her “real” family and my husband and I are a “pretend” family.

So, I came up with the idea of teaching her about ancestral magic. Maybe she will be able to feel a connection with her ancestors. That might help her feel that we are also a part of her biological family (watching over her). Do you think this might help ?

blogger’s note – I found this in a book advertisement – LINK>Ancestral Magic by Kirsten Riddle. Empower the here and now with enchanting guidance from your past family history. It is described as “A positive and practical guide to discovering not only your family roots but also your purpose and the magical healing energy available through connecting with your ancestors.”

On to some comments in the group where I saw this –

From a kinship adoptee – my heart breaks for this child. The void & sadness I felt from wanting my mom was almost too much to bear at times. I know what it’s like being that young & longing to be w my real mother.

From another adoptee – this is horrible to read. How do they expect this to go?? It’s a child. A human. Not a product. Ffs. And as a Christian, what if her real family is Christian and they’re going to be shoving this ‘ancestral magic’ nonsense down her throat? Nauseating. And trying to force her to KISS them??? They did that to my daughter who was medical kidnapped as a newborn and tried to force an adoption for 2.5 years and now she has cold sores every month. Sick people. Thank God my adoptive parents never forced me to KISS them, even as a newborn adoption just hugging makes me uncomfortable.

Another writes – Adoptive parents should go through mandatory counselling prior to adopting. This adoptive mother has no idea of the physiological damage she is causing that little girl. Its heart breaking.

Another person asks – so she wants to teach her about deceased ancestors to brainwash her from loving living ancestors ? This is disgusting.

An kinship adoptive parent and the sister of an adoptee suggests – how about some trauma therapy and empathy magic instead?

And a reality check – I understand they love her, but she is not just MAGICALLY your child. She is going through so much trauma being ripped away from her mom. I don’t know why this is a hard concept for this woman to understand.

Feeling Alone

Today’s story – Adopted at birth. Black child adopted by white family. Intense borderline personality disorder and identity issues. Constant shame. Why do I feel this way! My adoptive parents were always good to me. My adoptive mother said she understands but refuses to read literature about how traumatized I am because she doesn’t like non fiction.

Fast forward to August of last year I took an Ancestry DNA test. My birth mother was indifferent when I found her, but my birth father was brimming with joy that he had a daughter. My mom never told him she was pregnant. They had a fling in the military together years ago. Anyways, I look just like my dad and he’s already spoke about the guilt he feels missing out on my life. He loves my kids (his grand kids) and he is flying us out to visit him this winter. He’s a great man and I finally found my family. Why do I still feel so alone?

Some thoughts –

One adoptee noted – The abandonment is so real. It’s just a part of who I am.

Another adoptee writes – Lifelong trauma is something that can be lessened over time but unfortunately it will always be there to some degree. I am 76 and will never be rid of some of the ‘stuff’. I do take some comfort and closure in knowing who I am and where I came from. I hope in time you can take comfort in that and develop a longlasting and close relationship with your birth dad. My heart goes out to you.

Another person calls it out – Not liking nonfiction is an absolutely ridiculous excuse to not read about the trauma of adoption (particularly transracial adoption). I’m so sorry she isn’t willing to do that for you.

Another adoptee acknowledges – reunion sometimes feels like it will fix everything but it doesn’t, unfortunately. There is more grief to process in that we missed out on so much time with biological family and even though there can be instant and great connections, we still don’t feel truly a part of the family.

An adoptee in reunion notes – I’ve been in reunion for over 10 years and still feel lonely, even though it’s all been really great. I think it’s just a part of who we became when we were taken away. I wish we could feel instantly better, when we find answers to our history but this is also why I always talk to everyone about adoption and all it’s myths because doing this to people is just so messed up. We had no say in this but yet we are the ones that have to deal with all the ramifications.

One adoptee admits – I never really made the connection. I have had a lovely reunion with my dad as well, but you are right. I constantly tell my husband, I feel alone. I just don’t fit anywhere. I’m dealing with it. It’s a process though.

An interesting explanation from an adoptee – Our brains have been rewired for protection instead of connection. We literally had our brains synapses and pathways changed in order to survive in a world without connection. My psychologist described it as “what we are told is love for us is survival and trauma bonding”. When our whole concept of love is based on this, is it any wonder we struggle to understand connection. I did until I had my own babies and that in itself was a devastating reality. Even with them, my little family and reunion of sorts, I still feel utterly alone like an alien dropped into a moonscape. We are having a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation.

Some advice from someone who facilitates reunions – Why is it not enough? Because it is not enough – it is so much less than you deserve. Why can’t your mother behave the way your father is behaving? Why can’t you matter to her, the way you matter to him? It hurts because your getting only half of what you are entitled to – what every person born is entitled to. You are not ungrateful for what you have —you are necessarily anguished for the absence of something every person deserves and every person actually needs to feel complete and secure – having two parents that care about you. Humans are resilient. They can endure and survive horrible losses and violations and trauma. They can realize their inherent value, even after they’ve been abused and mistreated. They can move on but to expect them not to feel let down, when their parent is indifferent, is just not fair to a person in that situation. Don’t let your birth mother stop you from reaching out to your maternal relatives. They may think you are wonderful and want very much to know you.

When It Is Too Little Too Late

An adoptee wrote – For the first time today, at the age of 34, I was able to connect with my first biological relative. Unfortunately, she shared with me that my biological mother passed away a few years ago… To say I am devastated is an understatement. I don’t even know how to feel, I am grieving so many things that I can’t even put my finger one. I will never be able to talk to her. I will never get to ask her why she made the decisions she did… I am sad for reason I can’t even understand.

Blogger’s note – In the 1990s, my adoptee mother appealed to the state of Tennessee to release her adoption file to her. She was denied and still fought back but to no effect. All the state did tell her was that her mother had died some time ago and that the status of her father (who was much older than her mother) was unknown. They told her that he had two daughters who were “not” related to her ? though they had the same father. It’s a pity because the youngest sister was still alive until 2017 and had always hoped my mom (who she knew about) would turn up, so they could chat. My mom felt much the same as the woman who’s story I share today.

Another adoptee noted – Adoption means loss, loss, and more loss. It’s completely understandable (at least to those of us who were adopted) why you are grieving. You won’t be able to meet your mother this side of heaven. There is nothing much worse than that.

Yet another confirms – Your feelings are totally valid. I had met my biological mom once before she passed but we never had any real conversation or connection and her loss hit me hard because I knew that opportunity was gone.

An adoptee notes – That is so sad. I am so sorry. Everyone wants to know “their story” …. how they came to be and why they were adopted.

Another note from your blogger – I do have my mom’s adoption file now and it is heartbreaking because she would have learned so much, if it had been given to her when she asked for it. Her mother was a victim of Georgia Tann and was exploited in the midst of a 1930s devastating flood on the Mississippi River and so, as she was separated from her husband, who she was legally married to. He was in Arkansas helping with the flood efforts through his employment with the WPA, when my grandmother arrived in Memphis with my infant mom. My grandmother fought to keep my mom but Tann was too well connected to stop it.

A Very Sad Story

Malcolm Latif Shabazz, grandson of Malcolm X

I was tracking down this quote for our Independence Day –

“You’re not supposed to be so blind with patriotism
that you can’t face reality.
Wrong is wrong, no matter who says it.”
~ Malcolm X

When I encountered the story of his grandson, Malcolm Latif Shabazz. I didn’t know the story until today, though it is an old one.

In Philadelphia, one landlord there remembered frequently having to let young Malcolm into the apartment because his mother was not at home. Malcolm showed some evidence of disturbance as a child. As a three-year-old, he reportedly set fire to his shoes.

In 1995, his mother Qubilah was charged with trying to hire an assassin to kill Louis Farrakhan. Under the terms of her plea agreement, she was required to undergo psychological counseling and treatment for drug and alcohol abuse for a two-year period in order to avoid a prison sentence. For the duration of her treatment, ten-year-old Malcolm was sent to live with Betty at her apartment in Yonkers NY.

In 1997, his mother called the police saying she wanted him committed to a mental hospital. After a brief stay, Malcolm was released. His mother said she was going to place him in foster care but sent Malcolm back to New York on April 26 to live with his grandmother instead.

On June 1 1997, Malcolm Shabazz (then 12 years old) started a fire in Betty Shabazz’s apartment. She suffered burns over 80 percent of her body. The police found Malcolm wandering the streets, barefoot and reeking of gasoline. Betty Shabazz died of her injuries on June 23 1997. At a hearing, experts described Malcolm as psychotic and schizophrenic. He was also described as “brilliant but disturbed.”

His lawyers accepted that he started the fire but argued he intended no real harm to his grandmother. Shabazz pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 18 months of juvenile detention at Hillcrest Education Center in Pittsfield MA for manslaughter and arson, with possible annual extensions until his 18th birthday. Shabazz was eventually released after four years.

His version of the fire and the events leading up to it – he had been unhappy living in New York with his grandmother and had stated: “Being bad, doing anything to get them to send me back to my mother. Then I got the idea to set the fire.” Shabazz continued: “I set a fire in the hallway, and I didn’t think the whole thing through thoroughly, but she didn’t have to run through that fire … There was another way out of the house from her room. I guess what she thought was, I was stuck, and she had to run and get me because it was in front of my room as well. She ran through the fire. I did not picture that happening, that she would do that.”

Shabazz died in Mexico City on May 9 2013, at the age of 28. He was said to be on a tour to demand more rights for Mexican construction workers relocated to the US. His body, which according to prosecutors had been badly beaten with a rod of some kind, was found in the street in Plaza Garibaldi, a busy tourist spot.

Malcolm Latif Shabazz was survived by his mother and his two daughters. He was buried in Ferncliff Cemetery in Hartsdale NY, near the graves of his grandparents, Malcolm X and Betty Shabazz.

“When a person is unable to complete a mourning task in childhood, he either has to surrender his emotions in order that they do not suddenly overwhelm him, or else he may be haunted constantly throughout his life with a sadness for which he can never find an appropriate explanation.”
~ Wyatt Emory Cooper, The Importance of Grieving

Legal Standing

Today’s story (not my own) – I’m completely distraught because my 2.5 year old nephew is being adopted by his foster parent. She has legal standing over us cause she’s had him over a year. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as foster parent standing. Regrettably we weren’t in a position to be able to take him in at the time he entered care (at age 1) and I will never forgive myself for that. I won’t go into details but I was going through my own struggles at the time and it wouldn’t have been fair for anyone, including my nephew and 4 young kids. But I torture myself day and night about it. Especially now….

My sister, my nephew’s mom, was murdered the day before Thanksgiving. She was in rehab for months last year. Following her plan and trying so hard. We truly thought she was getting him back and that we wouldn’t need to intervene. If only we knew then what we know now, everything would be different. Caseworkers, GAL, supervisors, lawyers were all no help. “Standing” and “bond” was all they kept saying. Lawyers wouldn’t even take the case; they advised me not to try to get custody because the foster parents would win and then our relationship would be damaged. Was I in the wrong here for trying to do this? Isn’t being with family what would be best for him long term? I understand he will have trauma either way unfortunately. But we did say if he came to us, the foster parents could still see him a lot too!! Hoping that would help him with the transition. With us, he could see his siblings, father, grandparents, etc more. He would have genetic mirroring. He would know all of his family history. We’d be able to tell him stories about his mom. How does a 1 year relationship with a foster parent trump a lifetime with biological family?!

The foster parent claimed she was gonna be “so open” and said “you’re not losing him.” All lies. She’s already stopped all communication, blocked me on Facebook, and refuses to allow me (and his grandfather) visits. How could someone treat a grieving family this way? I was never anything but kind to her! We are his safe, healthy, loving family. I can’t tell you how heartbroken I am. He is her first foster child and I should’ve seen this coming. When she found out we wanted to get custody, she said in a text to my mom, “I’m aware of the emails/calls/efforts but after nearly 18 months with me, I’ve been assured that it’s futile. Frankly it is very disappointing because I have been open about everyone staying in his life.” SHE’S disappointed? All our family feels is emptiness.

My mom has my nephew’s sister (since she was a toddler, now a young teen) who is devastated about this adoption as well. Everyday is a nightmare and everything feels hopeless. I already lost my sister and now I’m losing my nephew. It hurts so much some days that I don’t think I can endure it.

One adoptive parent suggested – File a motion to intervene with the county courts. Show up to all hearings and fight! It is required by law to rule out biological family first and most of the time that wins out over the child’s temporary bond with their foster parents.

One who was fostered from birth and later adopted notes -Self-centered people hang on very tight when they have a child that they assume will be “theirs” someday. The system is not about the child’s welfare. Sometimes it is about who has more money. That is the gold standard. In the larger scheme and meanings of life, money matters more than our genuine family members.