Some Thoughts On Better Options

An adoptee in my all things adoption group asks – I am always seeing posts on how adoption is wrong, or it should not happen. But what is the better option ? I definitely think with biological parents it is best, but that is not always the option. So what would be the solution to that ? Family ? But what if that is not a good option ? No kid should be in an orphanage or a state group home. I don’t think foster care homes are good either. I had 7 aunts/uncles all put in homes (I was able to find them all and put them back together, connecting wise) but in the homes, not one had a good story. Knowing what we have all been through, what would be the best situation for kids that don’t have any biological family/parents ? As adults that have been through this, how do we try to change this or make it better for the younger ones who are going to be born into this ?

Some responses –

One adoptee answers – by creating a society where adoption is not necessary. By having access to healthcare, education and supporting families by having paid family leave, child care, affordable housing & medical. When these things are met – then let’s see how many children need to be adopted.

I will leave the accusations in the comment below, which turned out to be unfair, yet the points made were valid (the woman who asked was a adoptee and did not adopt her child, though she adds, “I have been a guardian to kids that have needed it, some through the courts, some just stayed with us when their situation needed a place.”) – Clearly YOUR kid has a natural mom, so they HAD birth parents and family. Why aren’t they with you ? Was it financial ? Then, the answer would be more financial support, perhaps even a Universal Basic Income (blogger’s note – I am in favor of that one), free daycare, etc. If the parents were killed or in jail or otherwise … there are (*)usually – Do not “not all” me – (*) extended family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins … they can be a guardian for the child.

From a kinship placement/guardian – If adopted, no changing the birth certificates. Instead of changing birth certificates issue a document of adoption to show who can make legal decisions for the child. Change names only when absolutely necessary (I can’t think of an instance where it would be necessary, but there may be some reasonable situation). That’s a start.

From another adoptee – If you are ever going to adopt (I don’t see why adoption is so necessary when we can do guardianship and it’s perfectly normal) YOU don’t get the luxury of saying that baby is part of your family, period. He or she HAS A WHOLE OTHER family and they can’t be erased and never will. The child can still be in your family and you can love them and treat them like your own! but they HAVE a family and always will. I feel like anybody who is even considering adoption should have their doors open for that baby’s family and/or culture. That’s just how it is. That’s how it’s supposed to be. They need to know where they come from.

She goes on to add – After having my son, I realized there are way more mothers than I had thought who all miss their babies. I realized that adoption was not for the natural mother’s benefit. Look at it like this, people say the baby won’t remember but when you think about it – actually think about it – of course they do, on some level. For example, blind people rely completely on their smell, scents, textures and noises. All people actually do. People with seeing eyes rely heavily on sight. When a baby is inside their mother, they recognize everything ! Her voice. The way her voice vibrates, her sound, her touch, her smell, all of that. And when you take a newborn baby who was just born away from all of that, it causes a trauma that can never be fixed. They may not remember the pictures in their head but their muscle memory will always have that piece that is missing. People try to glorify adoption because they haven’t been taught what it actually is or what it does to people. Also nobody wants to accept this hard truth.

The adoptee who started this said – I completely agree. My mom died when I was 3 days old. My dad died when I was 9 months old. My dad used to wear Old Spice. Well, my first and second adoptive fathers wore it when I meet them. Smell cannot be erased. (blogger’s note – that aftershave must have been very common, my dad used it too – very distinctive smell).

There Seems To Be No Solution

Today’s concern is a lack of mental health options within the foster care system. A woman who provides foster care wrote a long piece detailing the problems which I won’t repeat entirely for this blog. After describing several recent situations, she gets to the heart of what is troubling her. “My thought is . . . what is the alternative for kids who are so far gone mentally? There is a huge shortage of foster homes for kids with mental illness or on house arrest. I have extra space, but I am not taking more while I have (this one) because she needs my full attention.”

Being in mental institutions or group homes seems to cause these kids to deteriorate especially over time. There seems to be no solution for the ones who need so much monitoring that a foster home simply can’t do. Maybe a therapeutic home run by doctors could, but how many if those exist?! What’s the solution? I’m referring mostly to teens since that’s what I saw, though it could apply to some younger kids.

What is the system supposed to do with kids, especially teens, with serious mental issues too complex for most foster homes to handle? If group homes are so bad, which from what I’ve seen they are, then what is the solution? Also it’s apparently very hard for them to find long term care for mentally Ill teens.

The amount of time and appointments needed make it very difficult to parent these kids even like “B” who isn’t so far gone. She still has a great chance at getting and staying better, going on to have a nice happy life which she wants. There are no good group homes I’ve seen for long term. There are not enough foster homes willing to accept teens. Not to adopt them but provide a place for them while they do what they need – therapy, school, job, etc – to step into their next phase having a successful adult life within the next few years.

blogger’s note – I don’t have a solution to this but I am putting it out there because there seems to be a serious need to address it.

Even so, one adoptee shared – My son has a mental illness and we placed him in a residential treatment center for 18 months when he was 11. Some kids there were foster kids. A few parents who placed their kids there, chose to have them go to foster care after treatment instead of returning home – usually for the safety of their other kids. PLEASE don’t judge them. The foster parents who took these kids in went through special training and had to develop relationships before taking them home. They also had a ton of resources available to them for free. This is the way it should be.

Another person explained – Kids with the most intense needs often end up in foster care because their families cannot handle them. Mental health resources for children are terrible. Kids like this need therapeutic school environments as well as trained living situations. Even excellent insurance only pays a tiny fraction of inpatient treatment after the child is no longer suicidal. I know families who terminated their rights in hopes the state would pay. The kids ended up in a cycle of group homes and short stay hospitalizations. It is heartbreaking. I don’t have a clue how to solve this. Kids are in serious crisis. There are residential facilities but the good ones cost the moon and abuse there is also a BIG issue.

blogger’s note – I understand this completely because my parents were faced with an inability to help my sister due to the costs that would have been involved. She was already an adult and never in foster care. And my were unable to get any information about the extent of her problems due to health care privacy laws.

From an adoptee who is also a behavioral health social worker – I know of no state that provides adequate mental health services for children and adolescents with intense behavioral, emotional, and mental health needs. Sadly, services are patched together to try to meet needs, until eventually many of these young people cause enough trouble that they end up in the criminal justice system, where unfortunately, there’s always room for one more.

Nature Provides

I listened to a message delivered on Mother’s Day by a man from Africa who made the point that Nature provides for needs even before they are needed. He said – When you were born, I did not hear you praying for the breastmilk. When you were in the womb, you were supplied with all of the nutrients you received actively. Receiving that from fluid. As soon as you stepped out into life, that knowing of life went ahead of you and provided breastmilk from your mother for you. You didn’t pray for that. You didn’t decree for that. Life went ahead of you, providing what you needed before you would need it. Before we are born, mother’s first breastmilk contains the Colostrum that is needed to immunize your body. Life goes ahead of you, providing the air you need to breathe.

At some point he said – You cannot pray to God to save you from the storm, when God is the storm. If God is all there is, it includes Itself. The storm is simply what Life is trying to express through you and as you. Don’t tell God to fix the storm of problems in your life.

That has had me actively contemplating what this means in regard to domestic infant adoptions. The infant is denied their mother’s breastmilk (at least in most cases, there are probably exceptions, where the mother does this even if the infant is being adopted). Yet this is a powerful, spontaneous, creative, loving and intelligent universe. It is an ever-giving, ever-blessing universe. Fine tuning Itself. It is all that is, so adoption must be part of that, it cannot be otherwise (as much as it pains me to admit this).

Yet, also today I read this from a childhood adoptee – My adopted parents and I had a terrible relationship. I was an undiagnosed autistic with various sensory issues and special interests, they were conservative Christians convinced my special interests (mainly classic rock & heavy metal) were demonic. My struggles and their parenting clashed constantly, resulting in me being out of the home during most of my 13-18 years. I haven’t spoken to them since early 2016. My birth mother told me two weeks before my 24th birthday last year that she “wished she’d have swallowed me”, at which point I cut contact.

Mother’s Day is a bit hard for me. I was a momma’s boy as a kid, and 0/2 of my mothers care for me, or are proud of me. I wish I had a mom to bring flowers to, and thank for always being there for me, but the truth is, neither of them were. I spent most of my teens in group homes, and most of my big life milestones I went through alone.

My mother in law is amazing, and has been supportive of me so deeply since she has come to know me. I thank her every chance I get. I appreciate her so very much, but still sometimes, it feels like something, no, someone is missing. When my wife is lonely, or upset, or excited, she calls her mom. And when I’m in a whole other state, alone (as my wife is away doing grad school at another program), I sometimes wish I had a mom to call.

Certainly, Life has provided him with places to go. Life has provided him with a wife who’s mother is good to him as well. This is a hard one for me to work through but I don’t doubt the truth behind it all. Life goes ahead of you, providing what is needed, before it is needed. That is some kind of cold comfort that can warm a heart that has grown cold with life’s difficulties.

Being Fatherless

From Huffington Post LINK>I Was Told My Father Was A ‘Deadbeat.’ After He Died, I Found Out Everything I Knew About Him Was Wrong. “In the foster care system, being a fatherless daughter was the status quo.” by TJ Butler.

Growing up, all I knew about my father was that he was a “deadbeat.” My parents divorced when I was 4. He was a musician, playing bass in rock and country bands ― the only job he’d ever had ― and child support payments were always contentious. I remember Mom complaining that Dad would show up to the court hearings wearing torn jeans and T-shirts. In one hearing in the ’80s, she was awarded less than $70 for two children, based on his income. (blogger’s note – I remember being awarded $25/mo, when I didn’t ask for child support at my divorce because I knew he would never pay it and I wasn’t going to spend my life in court fighting for it.)

When I was a few years older, my younger sister and I spent an occasional weekend with him. I have little recollection of the infrequent visits, but I have colorful memories of his apartment. Framed Beatles albums covered the walls, sharing space with antique Civil War memorabilia and his many bass guitars. My stepmother, who I thought of only as “my father’s new wife,” was beautiful; the coolest adult I’d ever met. When I got my first period at 10, she was the one who explained how to use tampons.

Like my father, my mother entered a new relationship shortly after my parents divorced. But her boyfriend was an alcoholic, prone to verbal abuse and physical violence. At 13, I ended up in foster care, living in group homes and residential children’s centers. There was little talk of family reunification during those years; the night I left my mother’s house at 13 turned out to be the last time I ever slept there.

The group homes and children’s residential centers where I lived during my teens focused on independent living. As I neared 18, I learned about adulting: grocery lists, budgeting money for rent and utilities, and how to write a resume. In the system, communication with family members is regulated. Since I didn’t grow up with him and he didn’t seem interested, none of my counselors or my social worker encouraged me to have a relationship with my father. Being fatherless was just another box to check when I filled out questionnaires for therapy.

When I aged out of foster care, I was angry, but it was directed inward. Rather than hurting others, I hurt myself. There were drugs and alcohol, body piercings and tattoos, and years of nude modeling. A decade later, I had an epiphany that I couldn’t continue the way I was living and quit the adult business. I took out my piercings and had my most visible tattoos removed. I finished a BA in management, secured a corporate job with good benefits, and married my wonderfully supportive husband.

When my father died in 2011 of Parkinson’s with Lewy body dementia, I didn’t go to his funeral. My feelings were confusing. Why was I sad that a man I hardly knew passed away? It took some time to realize that I wasn’t crying over the loss of a father. Instead, it was the realization that now he’d never be able to change his mind and become my dad.

Moving forward, she decided she wanted to meet her half-brother. Rather than admit that she planned to drive 700 miles to see him out of the blue, she told him she had “a writing thing” near him and asked if he wanted to meet for coffee while she was in town. He agreed. She was excited and nervous, and eager to learn about what life was like growing up with their father. He began to fill in the blanks about their father. The person she’d known little about transformed from a deadbeat into a man. She learned how good-natured he was before he got sick and about how their house had been the magnet for kids in the neighborhood to hang out. He told her that he could see a lot of their father in her face. Since she felt she didn’t resemble the people on her mother’s side, she was thrilled to finally look like someone she was related to. (blogger’s note – this is a common experience among adoptees in reunion as well – having a genetic mirror.)

She goes on to share – I began seeing a therapist to work out some issues with my mother. Although it wasn’t family therapy and we didn’t connect, my perspective changed dramatically. I saw her as a flawed human, rather than simply a bad mother. This new way of thinking answered many questions about why I ended up in foster care and why she chose not to let me come home. This clarity has brought me some closure. She ends with how meeting her half-siblings was “about connecting with a family who welcomed me with open arms. Spending time with them gave me something that wasn’t even on my radar to wish for. For the first time in my life, it felt like I belonged somewhere.”

Farmed Out

I chose this photo because my cousin told me her mother (the half-sibling closest in age to my mom) had picked cotton to earn money for school clothes. A friend was sharing a sad story of his childhood with me. He told me that his mother had been overwhelmed and so he had been farmed out to relatives. That reminded me that my mom’s half-siblings (the children of her father’s left after their mother died) had been farmed out to relatives as well. The two boys were actually put on farms. My cousin’s mother was sent to wealthy relatives who bought things for her she never had before or after. Another sister was working and had an apartment in a nearby town, if memory serves me accurately.

I can’t help but believe when children are sent away from the family of their birth, there follows some sense of abandonment. My friend did not have a happy experience when he was in his childhood family home. Maybe it was the times. People were not quite as gentle when punishing their children as they have become in modern times. Since my friend also brought up that much later his family took in foster kids, he shared that he was able to see a broad diversity of outcomes. From a very young baby who quickly went back to its mother to a teenager. He notes that teenagers seldom find parents because people want very young children. He mentioned that he came to know many foster kids from visiting a group home and that boys and girls react differently to those circumstances. He also felt that the foster scene is not good for any of them. From what little I know – and none of it from direct experience – I would still agree.

I brought up feelings of abandonment with him and he said that he was not sure if he felt unwanted back then, more like unwelcomed. I’m not certain there is much difference.

In looking for an image, I found one that linked back to a JSTOR article – LINK>When Foster Care Meant Farm Labor. The subtitle read “Before current foster care programs were in place, Americans depended on farmers to take care of kids in exchange for hard labor.” Really, back in the day, it was normal for children to be expected to work hard for their family. Modern foster families get a small payment to offset the cost of caring for children. The article notes that has been a central part of child welfare programs for the past century.

Back in the day, authorities viewed the farm placements as a win for everyone involved. Farmers got affordable labor. Governments and philanthropic organizations were relieved of the expense of running orphanages. And children got the chance to learn valuable work skills while living in a rural setting, widely seen as the ideal place for an American upbringing. Even though the children worked hard on the farms, that was no different from what farmers expected of their own kids. But sadly as well, some farmers exploited the child laborers, beating them, denying them schooling or medical care, and sometimes overworking them for a season before sending them back to an institution.

The Simpsons had a similar episode that my family re-watched recently. It is from Season 1 Episode 11 and is titled “The Crepes of Wrath.” Maybe there is no actual point to today’s blog and maybe it is that progress continues to occur. Maybe it is just the meandering rambles of my mind this afternoon.

Adoption Vows

In there never ending quest to make adopting a child a celebration, here is what one couple is doing –

With adoption day on the horizon, my husband and I plan to recite a modified version of (see image above) to our daughter at her court hearing. Changing “I” to “We” and making a few personalized adjustments for her. Adoption vows . . . loving it. What else did you do to make it a special day ?

The person in my all things adoption group who shared this writes – I want to compose a response that she will hear! Because this is complete bs! What about the kids who end up not fitting in and get ” rehomed” or sent away to group homes… they where made all the same ” promises” and now look where they are. How should I word it where she will hear me or do I even waste the time? She is clearly caught up in the unicorn and rainbow effects.

The first response is – The whole point of vows is that they’re made between consenting adults, who also have a right to break that consent. Adoptees can’t consent. Decisions are made for them. And they can’t easily dissolve the relationship, even as adults.

Another comment – The whole thing is yuck…but especially the “Til death do us part” which could be super triggering for any kiddo but especially those with loss. Not only that but often if an adopted parent dies, the adopted children are no longer seen or treated as family by the remaining family members.

This was confirmed by one adoptee’s experience – The only member of my adoptive family who still treats me like family is my dad. The rest of them turned their backs on me after my mom died.

Another also shares – all I have of my adoptive family is one cousin in California. She was my mom’s very best and favorite cousin. I love her guts but the rest literally told me I was not family and good as killed my mom with my “drama,” whatever that means.

So here was one suggestion –

If you want her to (maybe) hear you it’s important to try to prevent her becoming defensive, so I would keep it semi-validating. Like

Wow !! I can see how much you love her through your excitement! As an adopted person, I want to open up to you a little and be clear I do it to support – not upset. But I’m sure you’ll understand, you seem really open minded. Adoption represents a huge loss. Even if our biological parents are terribly troubled, dead, uninterested, in prison…this is the death of something every human wants – to be be loved by, raised by, and important to their own parents. At the same time, no child wants to hurt the feelings of the adults they now must count on, who they are often silently trying to prove their worth to. I say this to encourage you to remember that in your approach. These marriage vow style things make sense to you, since you are only gaining, not losing, and you get choices. I would suggest having a private, special day where you say to your daughter that you love her, are so happy to have her, but also to validate that it’s ok for her to feel a lot of conflicting emotions. That you accept and love her whole story. Take pictures but don’t share them anywhere and only with her when she’s old enough. Let her be the one to do it, if that is her choice. Adoption is more like a divorce than a marriage. I hope this makes sense. Best of luck.

It was also suggested that the couple modify these vows. Then go and make these vows with each other and their preacher. To make a commitment between themselves that these things are true. Lots of adopted kids hear these kinds of promises and yet, their adoptive relationship is later disrupted. This makes good sense to me.

Finally, this is celebrating the girl’s worst day. One adoptee felt this was unbelievably cruel. She also noted how common it is that marriage vows are broken. Adoption disruptions and dissolutions are estimated to occur at approximately 25% for all adoptions in the US.

Just noting, regarding those vows – Autism is not an illness or a tragedy.

Poor Outcomes – A Sad Fact

Continuing building awareness regarding Foster Care as May is Awareness month.

Trigger warning

The following story mentions murder, substance use/addiction/overdose, suicide, homelessness, Child Protective Services cases that are open, trauma, illegal activity/selling drugs, sex work, mention of a higher power and spiritual crisis, the effects of poverty, and mention police.

Having been warned, here is today’s awareness builder.

It’s Foster Care Awareness month and I’m sitting here at 3:30 am, not able to sleep.

My friend, a girl I’ve known since 6th grade, was murdered in 2019. She was in group homes with me as well, two different placements. She dated my sister. I grew up with this girl. Today, the news covered the sentencing. I learned new details of what happened. It was disgusting, made me hate the world we live in, and made me so hopeless but furious. I’ll spare the details but it was inhumane, needless, and these two men are pathetic excuses for human beings. My friend was 22 when she passed, and she left behind a young daughter.

She did extra jobs for her employer and turned him into the department of labor after he refused to compensate her. That was his motive. It describes his crack-cocaine purchase right after the event. It was all about money. Money for drugs. But my friend was so desperate and had to work at this place and got caught up in this cycle trying to once again, rely on systems and was killed. I know the world is crazy and this could’ve happened to anyone but this specific case with the details.. I think not. I think this was a direct effect of how the systems chews youth up and spits them out. They have to rely and try to network with unsafe, sketchy people because they don’t know how else to make a living. It’s not like the department would help. Or care. Nobody who wants to do anything can and those who can’t won’t do anything.

I’m angry. I’m triggered.

I have three other friends from placement that were murdered. I have two friends that overdosed. I have two that committed suicide. I have one that died outside while homeless.

I’ve experienced so much grief and loss in my life, but I also know that these are the statistics for foster youth. Why do we have to be reduced to these statistics? When does it end? When does the world and our government figure that we’ve had enough?

This breaking code silence movement has done a lot for my mental health, targeted support groups help. Former foster youth are the only ones advocating and looking out for each other. I’m just so distraught tonight.

My friends all were amazing people, kind people. People who have seen the worst side of others but still worked hard to show up to life and make this world a better place for others, every last one of them.

I spent 11 years in the NYS Foster Care system. These youth from placement are all I know, I don’t even know anyone else aside from the internet that I haven’t met in care. I’m watching my friends die, I’m watching life kick them when they’re down, homeless, doing sex work out of necessity and desperation, stealing out of desperation, selling illegal items out of desperation, going to jail and prison, having open CPS cases with their own children when they’re just trying to move on with life and their own personal experiences, working for shady people because THEY HAVE TO. Everyone I was in care with, including myself live in poverty. I know I’ve had to network with shady people and take risks myself, you’re never growing up and are like “oh yeah I’m going to clean this mans house under the table that I don’t know and I could get attacked and all but nobody would care because I have nobody to call anyways and the police only made it worse the last time”

Because the resources aren’t there, the empathy isn’t there. The community isn’t there. Youth can so easily go back to what they know pre-system and actually pick up more behaviors in the system because THE SYSTEM DOESNT WORK. It’s failed so many of us.

Thank you for letting me vent, I’m mourning so much. I’m so scared to lose anyone else and I’m also fearful for my own future. They raised us to be stupid, to be nothing, to be institutionalized. They already reduced us to these statistics.

I feel so spiritually bankrupt at this point, I feel like I’ve been abandoned by my higher power, and I’m always stuck thinking about how the world should be rather than how it is. It’s so much weight to carry, but I can’t be complacent about the trials we face as youth. I feel powerless and here it is, foster care awareness month and I feel like this is the only platform I can come to and express my sorrows without being silenced. Thank you for reading. I just needed to get it out to people who /do/ care.

Defunding Foster Parents

If a biological parent can’t financially support their children, they are taken away. Yet the state funds foster parents to keep other people’s children. If you want to raise these children, you should be able to afford to do that first.

Case in point – a woman has NINE foster children and says that without funding from the state, she would only be able to care for THREE. Needless to say that having 9 foster kids in one home would constitute that home as being a “group” home. Different standards should apply plus a lot more monitoring.

The requirements for providing foster care do vary by state. I read that in Texas, you’re classified a group home if you house more than six kids. You are also required to have someone awake overnight on staff.

Defunding foster parents would cut down on abuse and neglect perpetrated by foster parents. However, given the current reality foster parents should not be allowed to have so many children in one home – unless they’re a sibling group. Three or four should be the maximum.

The state really should be funding parents instead of removing children in some cases. There are definitely cases where the children may need to be removed to allow the parent to get treatment/therapy/better parenting skills, etc but sometimes a parent just needs some utilities paid or other financial assistance, until they get back on their feet.

For more perspective, here is one former foster youth’s experience – group homes do have a bad reputation. I do strongly believe that with on site treatment, reputable staff and good funding it is possible to create group homes with less risk of abuse. I’ve been in 36 foster homes, in which 33 were abusive or neglectful. I’ve been in 3 group homes that were amazing. All that said, I do believe the state should be funding parents before any stranger, if it will keep a family together.

Modern Orphanages

From a generally anti-foster care perspective, a question was asked –

Why did the government move away from orphanages/group homes to children living with foster carers ? Bottom line is that it is about money. It is cheaper for the government to give foster carers a stipend than provide for the full needs of children in a modern orphanage or group home.

My mom spent a few months as an infant at Porter-Leath, an orphanage in Memphis TN. Her original mother took my mom there only for temporary care while she tried to get on her feet and estranged from her husband, the father of my mom, who was most likely tied up one state over fighting a SuperFlood on the Mississippi in 1937. He was in Arkansas working for the WPA and that was where most of his own roots and family were. That is how Georgia Tann got involved and my mom ended up adopted.

My family visited Porter-Leath in 2017. It is now an amazingly peaceful place and much changed but still provides some sheltering for runaways who need a safe place to go.

The discussion was not about orphanages of the past though. It was about facilities that are geared towards children’s best interests. A revamped system. An environment where the kid never has to become someone else to fit in with a family he isn’t related to. One that is very consistent and stable. That is vital for kids.

And no competition with a foster carer’s biological kids, or being made to feel like a burden or an inconvenience compared to the carer’s biological children. Modern orphanages are really structured. Everyone there is on the same playing field. It totally eliminates the foster vs biological conflicts. The experience of former foster youth is that biological kids are horrible towards foster kids. Full of disdain and resentment for these strangers being in their homes.

I was intrigued by the mention of modern orphanages, I found a link to an Atlantic article highlighting Palmer Home for Children in Mississippi that is fairly current.