A Selfless Act Of Love ?

An adoptee asks – does anyone else get really annoyed when people say “adoption is the most selfless act of love” ? Because no ? I think the most unselfish thing for my biological mom to have done would have been to get her life together, so she could parent her child. And I think the most unselfish thing my adoptive parents (and the Div of Family and Child Services) could have done would be to HELP my biological mom get it together, so she could parent her child. I think it was pretty selfish for my biological mom to just give in and give up because SHE couldn’t get it together for a child she created. And I think it’s pretty selfish of my adoptive parents to just take me, no questions asked, because they wanted to. I don’t know. Nothing about my adoption was selfless. None of it was centered around my best interests. I’m just really angry about it today.

One adoptee responds – As a teenager I had the feeling of “why wasn’t I enough” every so often. But when I met my biological family at 18, I was sooo thankful I was adopted. Absolute disgusting trash of a family. My adopted mom may not be perfect but it definitely made me more grateful for her vs what I could’ve grown up in. I think everyone has their own perspectives. Sometimes it is selfless, because the biological family is in no place to raise a kid. Does it suck? Yes. But in my case, I’m thankful I was taken by the state and adopted out.

Another adoptee notes – I met my birth mother who was a POS that gave two of us up separately. I’m glad I wasn’t raised by her, but that in no way negates me losing all my family, my identity, my vital medical info & updates, my background info, potential relationships, not meeting family who have passed, and suffering the trauma of all that & family separation.

Another person says the truth – It is simply something said to make adoption presentable. It’s gross the way words are used – twisted and weaved – to make the idea of something dreadful and repulsive into something lovely and desirable.

A mother of loss shares her own experience – For me it wasn’t a matter of “not getting my shit together”, it was having people actively working against me, preventing me from getting information and resources that I was either legally entitled to or that it was standard practice to provide. There was absolutely no part of me that did not want my child, but between the constant messages of “if you truly love the baby you’ll do this” and “if you don’t do this we’ll take away any bit of choice you do have”, had I been given the chance to “get my life together”, I absolutely would have, but I was denied that chance.

One who was placed with relatives shares – My mother wasn’t abusive, but wasn’t fully functioning either. She’d been raped to conceive me, and she wanted to leave her cheating husband. Her parents flat refused to help. They themselves called Child Protective Services on her and reported her as neglectful and homeless, because they wouldn’t let her move back home with my sister and me. My sister’s uncle ended up taking me in, because the judge wouldn’t give us back to our mother. (Her dad took her.) She didn’t voluntarily give us up, but she did give up fighting for us and moved away from all the thoughts and memories. The people who took me in played house until their own children were born. Then, they emotionally used me as their surrogate and discarded me as a daughter. They could’ve worked to reach out to her and see if she had her stuff together and could raise me.

Another adoptee shares – My adoption was open and I saw the life my birth mom had vs the life I had with my adoptive parents. I do believe it was selfless. I wouldn’t change my situation. My birth mom and I have a relationship now. I have a great relationship with my adoptive parents. She did what she felt was best and I agree. I respect her for it. It was her choice and it was selfless in my opinion.

Sadly, this adoptee had an unhappy experience – I am so glad I was adopted. Yes, I do have resentment towards my adoptive parents for some of the decisions that were made in raising me and with how they handled my adoption. But I did reach out and try to establish a relationship with my birth mother. I wish I never would have because she completely destroyed my life. It took years for me to even begin to come back from what she did. And that’s not even touching on the emotional toll I still have to deal with.

Another one shares – No one offered my biological mom help or support. She was a teenager in foster care with no help. She had no choice. No one would help her or support her. So she did the only thing she could do because she clearly couldn’t take care of me. She had no job, no home, no way to take care of me, no support – nothing. I don’t blame my biological mom since I learned the whole truth. She was a child.

This same woman (from above) is raising her cousin’s daughter and her story is – to me – a genuine selfless act of love – my cousin asked me to adopt her daughter because she was struggling with drug addiction. I was just shocked and in disbelief. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She told me that she didn’t want her daughter to end up in the system. I met with her the next day and brought her EVERY RESOURCE I knew of in the area. Coincidently, I worked for the area and knew all the resources for moms who were using while pregnant. My FIRST RESPONSE was to run to her, hug her and tell her this is not your only choice. Let me help you. I can get you into treatment and you can stay with your baby at these places. I know the owners, I can get you in. Plus other resources. I explained to her my adoption trauma and how I would never wish that for anyone. I gave her all the resources and told her I wanted her to look at them. Like really look at them. I would support her however I could, even taking placement until she got on her feet. Several weeks later, she said she still wanted to give her daughter to me and she wants me to adopt her vs guardianship because she doesn’t want Child Protective Services in her life – EVER – which would happen, even if her daughter wasn’t in her custody. So eventually, I agreed on one condition… she stays in her daughter’s life… she was so thankful and grateful. We talk almost everyday. She’s that girl’s mama and always will be.

Another adoptee admits – I think the most selfless thing my first mother could have done would be having an abortion instead of birthing me. My siblings feel similarly (both those kept and those relinquished). And taking a baby and pretending it’s yours, so you can play house and pretend to be its parent, is not selfless to me.

An adoptee struggles with the trope as well – I struggle with the selfless narrative, we hear as well (and some of us are) mothers who you couldn’t pry away from our children, we’d do any and everything to keep them and do our best by our children. Giving your kid away is the opposite, letting someone else worry about feeding, clothing and raising them isn’t selfless, it’s selfish. The adoptive parents rushing in isn’t selfless, they’re selfishly taking someone else’s child.

And there was this compassionate response – My birth mother was gang raped (I found this out a couple years ago). I was conceived pre-Roe v Wade. She didn’t have a choice, unless she wanted to get a back alley abortion. So, what you’re saying is she is supposed to raise me & live that rape everyday ? I’ve always been very pro choice , so give women a right to have an abortion & fight for it!! If the current administration coming in has its way, there’s going to be lots more women & children in my situation & that makes me very angry!!

From another adoptee – I hate hearing it. Because it makes it seem beautiful that I was abandoned. Which it was not. It’s the greatest wound of my life. What would’ve been beautiful would’ve been the adoption agents actually helping my relatives somehow. Not forcing my mother to sign papers, so I could be shipped abroad. Nothing about it feels selfless. It feels wrong and so sad. While I love my adoptive parents, I hate what happened for me to get here.

And this reality check – If giving up a child is “loving, brave and selfless,” does that mean parents who keep and raise their own children are “unloving, cowardly and merciless?”

And this happens to other mothers of loss – It WAS selfish of me. Adoption offered all these perfect “answers” to allllllll the “problems” that faced me. And since I was given the opportunity to become a living embodiment of a “family building angel” I ate it up. As horrible as it is, I must admit that it felt good to be told I was smart and wise and strong and selfless. I was desperate for that validation and acknowledgment from anyone in my life and of course only the agency offered it. I drank it up. And came home from relinquishing believing in some innate goodness. Which is probably one of the things that kept me alive in the dark times after. I didn’t have to face his father. I didn’t have to face my family. I didn’t have to hear the whispers and gossip ( that existed in my head.. in reality no one would have cared in a few months. So what? I spared myself a few months if discomfit?) I didn’t have to alter my life plans. I didn’t have to even try. And not to end this on a defensive note, but as a kindness to my younger self, she also didn’t know. She didn’t know at 19 that we had a strength within us that would be able to achieve great things in this lifetime. I had no idea what I was capable of and no idea that it wasn’t what they promised it would be. I knew I would hurt and I was willing to take it for the greater good. So I forgive myself and offer grace for what we didn’t know. But it was still a terrible mistake. And yes, indeed a root in selfishness and self preservation. Relinquishment is a desperate act based on survival built on faulty lies as a foundation.

Just one last one – Angry with my adoptive mother – yes. Towards my adoptive father I feel differently because he fostered my relationship with my biological family after my adoptive parents divorced. He never stopped being my bestie and a driving force in my positive mental health. I never was able to fill the shoes my adoptive mother had in her fantasies. I frequently find myself angry about it and found her to be VERY selfish. My biological grandmother gave me away, without my biological mother’s consent.

Giving Your Child Away

An adoptee asks – I wonder if it would make a difference if instead of ‘giving up for adoption’, it was changed to ‘giving your child away’? One person noted – “A pig wearing lipstick is still a pig.”

A mother of loss writes – The language is controlled by those who have the power, ie the adoption industry… That’s why everything is a euphemism and double speak. Of course, if it was called “giving your child away to strangers and causing them trauma” – we would never be able to be convinced it was the best for them.

Another adoptee writes – I was not “given up for adoption”…. I was “abandoned.” Nobody would’ve cared to find out what happened to me. In response, someone else writes – “There’s active trauma and inactive trauma. At before the active trauma of adoptee occurs, there’s the inactive trauma of abandonment.. I was removed as a teen and it makes me wonder if I had told earlier then I might have a different label. I’m not a former foster care youth or an adoptee because the system never found me a new home. ‘Abandoned and at risk for homelessness’ [I was homeless]. I tell myself it’s a blessing in disguise, but I feel abandoned twice – by both my mother and again by the system.”

Another mother of loss due to coercion writes – I think depending on the way it is said is what allows people to understand circumstances… I could say “my child was stolen/taken” that relates to coercion/manipulation or kidnapping that CPS (Child Protective Services/Div of Child and Family Services) likes to partake in (which is what happened to me, I was coerced). I could say “I gave my child up for adoption” that relates to willingly having my child adopted for whatever reason. I could say “my child was adopted” that could mean anything. like neglect, CPS involvement, kinship adoption, regular private adoption, foster to adopt situation without CPS involvement, anything…

A former foster care youth shares – I don’t know for sure if it would. I always said I was thrown away because my parents willingly signed me over when I was 14. Whenever I approach them about what they put me through, they brush me off and avoid the subject. I think a lot of people knew exactly what they were doing, and just didn’t care. Even so, there are circumstances where it’s an understandable decision, don’t get me wrong.

One person notes – In most jurisdiction, “abandonment” of a child is a crime. Relinquishment procedures legalize this crime. It would change a lot if we do away with the relinquishment process.

One adoptee writes – I always tell people I was sold and then people get all hurt about it. It’s really not far off…. my aunt offered to take me in, my biological mom agreed but then, ran off. Next thing my aunt heard is I was adopted and my biological mom got a lot out of it.

Another mother of loss shares – I tell people “I was not allowed to parent my child and lost her to adoption”.

A birth mother admits – Every situation is so different. I think the phrases that are used aren’t accurately interchangeable. In my case, I feel the phrase “sacrificed motherhood” is most accurate. However I know other first/birth mothers that “giving up” is more accurate. I’m positive that some would fall under that category… “giving your child away” would be most appropriate. In my experience with connecting with mothers like myself, I find that the most predominant issues that lead to adoption is fear, low self esteem, religious intolerance (groomed from religious indoctrination that is adoptive agency predatory), outright manipulation, and early childhood abuse that leads to the adoption paradigm.

One adoptee shares – I was not given up for adoption. I was taken by my grandmother against my mother’s will and given away to punish her for getting pregnant at 14. Oh, and she made her birth me vaginally without medication for the same reason. And my brother (trans-racial South Korean adoptee) was straight up fucking kidnapped and sold across the world by his pos biological dad. He found his birth mother 3 years ago through a 30 year old missing child poster. Another person replied to that – “I wouldn’t even call myself an adoptee. I would say human trafficking survivor, because that is insane… reminds me of another person I know who had something illegal and similar happen to them.”

One adoptee suggested the sentence – “Letting your child be raised by strangers”. Yet another adoptee writes – I tell people I was sold to the highest bidder. Essentially how it feels. I spent years being told that I was rescued from a life of poverty, and I should have been grateful. As an adult, I realized I was raised by a person who had more money but didn’t love me. My birth parents had a modest living and lots of love for me.

A first mom notes – I did not give my son away – he was taken from me without my consent!

To which another first mom (NM) really gets into it all – we don’t “give” our children away freely. Our child is also not a “gift”. “Give up” is another way of saying “surrender”. Surrender is the final, hopeless act of “the defeated enemy” who has been relentlessly attacked during warfare. “The defeated enemy” surrenders by raising a white flag to beg for mercy, to signal their hopeless defeat with dejected humiliation and a hung head. Make no mistake: birth mothers are treated as the enemy. They are told in no uncertain terms that they are “the enemy” to their own child and that strangers will be “better” for the child. Single moms, especially BIPOC moms are policed by foster care and society in a truly heartless and relentless way. Infant adoption agency “social workers” are paid handsomely to covertly wage war on a vulnerable mom. They present themselves as compassionate help, while secretly and tactically convincing her to “freely relinquish” her rights. Maybe change the language to “Adoptive Parents” (AP) pay people to “shake down” and “intimidate” vulnerable, young, poor women in crisis, and they “extort” a baby from her in exchange for its “protection”. Agencies have tactical manuals that have been developed over years of trial and error and are filled with marketing language that helps them wage this war. The primary objective of an agency is separation and destruction of the first family— for their own financial gain. They are mercenaries, paid by adoptive parents. Sometimes these agents believe their own lies— they see the birth mom as a dangerous enemy to her own child, and they imagine themselves as a savior to that child. Usually, APs never see how their dollars fuel this attack, this warfare, on the first family. They just thank the lord that somehow “fate” delivers them an “abandoned baby” who was “destined” to be theirs. And no one addresses the hallow, rubble of a mess left after the NM holds her baby in the air and says “Stop – Please for the sake of the baby – please make them safe.” Once a mother is stripped of her child, there is literally nothing left in her life. I left the hospital and felt like a bag full of crushed glass. Every step I took, I felt like people could surely hear the noise of broken shards shaking around inside of me. I was shattered, and hallow, and utterly alone in the rubble of my defeat. I did give up. I didn’t fight hard enough. I was alone in the aftermath; but many many many people walked alongside me to bully me into that outcome. I say it over and over and over again: it takes a village to raise a child… but it also takes an entire village to separate a mother from her child. Judges, lawyers, doctors, nurses, my own family, my friends all contributed to the final outcome: my surrender. Are there moms who literally abandon their children? Yes. But they are a rare exception. Most birth moms who “give” our baby to another family via domestic infant adoption (DIA) are victims of strategic warfare that extracts a “valuable resource” and coerces a vulnerable person to “freely surrender” that resource, so they can turn around and sell it for a very high price. The entire DIA Adoption industry is built around selling children to the highest bidder (APs). Maybe change the language to: NMs “lose their child” to heartless grifters and child traffickers disguised as “social servants”. And start calling APs what they are: purchasers who fuel a “blood diamonds” of baby trafficking. And start calling adoption agencies what they are: the morphia, grifters, child traffickers.

Don’t Let The B*&^($@ds . . .

Daffodils & Dirt Sam Morton’s Album

That is not the album cover but the concept captured me. It comes from another woman’s Scottish story that drew Morton and has arrived in The Guardian – by Kate Kellaway – LINK>‘The hardest thing is to forgive yourself’: actor Samantha Morton and writer Jenni Fagan on the trauma of growing up in care.

The Guardian notes – Both women have used their work to process childhoods ravaged by neglect and abuse. Meeting for the first time, they discuss survival and anger, Fagan’s new memoir, and the state of the UK’s care system today. Jenni Fagan’s extraordinary, harrowing and uplifting memoir, Ootlin, is about growing up in the Scottish care system. Ootlin translated from the Scottish vernacular means someone who “never belonged, an outsider who did not want to be in”. LINK>Review by Sara Crowley. Samantha Morton is an Oscar nominee twice over, who directed and co-wrote, with Tony Grisoni, the TV film LINK>The Unloved (2009), about a girl growing up in a care home, which drew an audience of 2 million.

About Fagan’s memoir, Sam says: “When I read Jenni’s book, I felt as if we were twins. I didn’t realize there was another human being who had had an almost identical childhood to mine, and not only survived but become formidable against the odds. The similarities between us are bizarre; it was like when you do a butterfly drawing at school, then fold it – there is Jenni in Scotland and there is Sam in Nottingham… and we’re the same age.” “I’m a bit older,” says Fagan. “I’m still 46,” says Morton. “I’m 47,” Fagan says.

Both women spent years in children’s homes and foster care. Morton had 12 foster placements and Fagan 27 by the time she was 16 (with two unsuccessful adoption placements). Each had mothers who suffered poor mental health. Fagan never knew hers, whereas Morton’s mother, who died in 2017, is a known presence in her story. Morton’s father was intermittently violent and spent spells in prison. Both Fagan and Morton suffered abuse, got into drugs for a while, and had periods of homelessness.

If these stories are of interest to you, I highly recommend reading the entire article at The Guardian link above. blogger’s note – having learned I have Scottish roots, anything to do with that country always interests me.

Not All

Today’s story illustrates this –

We adopted our almost 8 year old from birth. The relationship with birth mom and her other children has been sporadic at best (her choice). My daughter misses her siblings but they have recently been taken from the bio mom who became homeless and apparently was charged with neglect. Some are with their own bio dads and one is in foster care. My daughter does not know this yet, and we will work with her therapist to share this information in a way that hopefully lessens the trauma (for context, we don’t have a way to get ahold of bio mom anymore to offer help and she has moved across the country).

My daughter also has always wanted to meet and know her bio dad and his family. We have worked hard to find him and make that happen. I finally connected with his sister (so my daughter’s bio aunt) on Facebook and my husband and I are meeting her next week. We’re hoping she’ll be amenable to starting a relationship with our daughter. We’ll get more information at that time, but she alluded that her brother isn’t not open to that right now. How do we make sure this is not causing more trauma for our young daughter? I know that having this relationship could be great for her, but will it make it worse knowing that bio aunt is willing to meet her (and hopefully have a relationship with her) but her dad isn’t? We want to do what’s right for her. She craves to know this side of her family, but I’ve heard that discovering the bio parent can create more trauma.

A relevant response from an adoptee – If any of her bio family wants to meet her/have a relationship with her do all you can to make it happen. Yes, it may hurt and cause trauma that other bio family does not want to do that. However, that can you can work through. What will never be worked out is if she discovers she could have had something with bio family but you kept that from happening. Even worse is if she finds out you were anything but 100% truthful to her or them. Don’t hide behind we were trying to protect her. Unless there is some clear danger, such as the parent abused other children or threatened her or you in some way, the only people you are thinking about is yourselves. It is acceptable to give an age appropriate truth such as her siblings are being cared for by other adults because her bio mother is not able to provide shelter for them right now. Therefore, she probably will not be in contact with her for a while. If she wants to have contact with her other siblings, try to make it happen. If it is not to be, tell her that and why. Again in a truthful age appropriate way. That could be upsetting to her but again that can be worked through. What is important is that she knows she can trust you to always be honest with her. Break that trust and you will lose her forever.

It’s Hard To Feel Different

In looking for an image, I discovered this child’s book about feeling different by Doris Sanford published in 1986. The summary says – “A young boy is portrayed as he sorts out the hurt of ‘being different’ . . . at school. The boy knows he is not like other children . . . He finds true friendship with a little lamb, Fluffy. Fluffy ‘speaks’ truths to the boy about his specialness and how he is loved in spite of his differences. Ages 5 and up.”

From an adoptive parent today – We have an open adoption, more so with our son’s father and less so with his mother. Our son is 8 and has says every few months that he wishes he wasn’t adopted. He has known his birth story since birth. We visit his father’s family twice a year and he loves seeing his half sister. I’ve been struggling with the right supportive language to help him with those hard moments. I tell him that it must be hard to feel different. He says things like I’m the only adopted kid at my school.

One adoptee notes – if a person said almost every month that they were sad their mother died, would that be something to pathologize? If a person said they wished their mother never died, would you try to stop them from saying it? Losing one’s entire family, ancestors and all IS sad. As the perpetrator of the separation from his family, your comfort will ring hollow.

Someone asks – When he says he wishes he wasn’t adopted, is he saying he wants to be with his natural parents?

A mature adoptee notes – Wish I had an answer for you but sadly do not. Being the only adoptee etc. A feeling that has stayed with me my entire life and I am 72 yrs old. Not to say all times were bad but this being on the outside looking in, is always in the background.

Another adoptee asks – If his father can raise his half sister, why is he not raising him? Why is he separated from his family? I ask, because I was in the same boat. There’s nothing my adoptive family could have said and there’s not enough therapy that could have made things easier for me. He is well within his right to be angry.

One shares some personal experience – I’m an adoptee and I have fostered a child.. anyway… I always think … if kids see their parent … raising another child, it would really make them feel bad – like “why don’t they love me ?” … the child I fostered has a 1/2 brother who mostly lives his dad. The mother fought her ass off to get her daughter back from me, which is great. But has not put in the effort to get him back and he follows her on social media and is allowed to come when his dad feels like it … I just always wonder how he must feel.

An adoptee asks – Have you asked him – what part of being adopted exactly is making him sad ? Are you giving him the freedom to truly express himself or are you saying placating words like “I know, it’s hard to be different”, which actually closes down open discussion ? Is he seeing a therapist ? If not get him in to one!

From a late discovery adoptee – “it must be hard to be different” rings so hollow! I couldn’t stand it when adults said fake crap like that to me. I’d always see right through it, even as a small child!

Which caused another adoptee to write – For me, it rings hollow because it reinforces that I AM different, and at least for me, carries the implication that “different” is less than and not as good. It doesn’t just validate my feelings, it tells me that my feelings are facts.

Another late discovery adoptee acknowledges – The past cannot be undone, but perhaps acknowledging to him that you accept that the way things happened and the way you and his natural family did things were not the best they could have been, will be a good start. Is working towards shared custody or reunification something he wants or even a possibility ?

One adoptee can relate – That’s a tough age to deal with being adopted. I had huge feelings that I couldn’t put into words and I was also the only adopted kid with my peers, as my adopted sister refused to talk about it. The kids would tease me and ask the craziest questions that make you feel so alone (ie: do your AP’s make you clean all the time? Do you call them mom and dad? Why didn’t your real mom like you enough to keep you? Was there something wrong with you when you were born?). Having another adoptee as a friend or therapist helps us to feel normal and understood. You’re seeking the right words but there are none. You are already helping him in all the ways you can – by keeping the adoption open, being supportive and his safe place. Please keep trying to find another adoptee therapist, support group, or friend. You benefited from the adoption, while he lost everything, so you aren’t able to fully understand and comfort him.

One adoptee who was adopted as an infant says – I’m 41 and HATE BEING ADOPTED. Does that ever go away?? I don’t think it does. I’m not sure there’s much you can do about his very valid feelings in the matter.

One adoptive parent made a point that was on my own mind – Can you increase the amount of visits with his sister and dad ? Twice a year isn’t a lot of time to really form that bond. Even with distance, there might be other ways to improve the contact.

One kinship adoptee suggested – always validate his feelings, don’t internalize them & make it about you because it’s not. It’s his life that was uprooted.

One mature adoptee tells the truth – I’m 57 and still wish I wasn’t adopted. There were/are no words anyone (especially my adoptive parents) can say that will change that, ever. It also has nothing to do with feeling “different”. One of the worst things my adoptive mother did was pretend she knew how I felt, which was impossible since not only was she not adopted, but she gained from my adoption. It’s very hard for someone to come off as a sincere support when they gained from my loss.

Yet another mature adoptee – It *is* hard to feel different and to not understand why you can’t be with your biological family. I hated being adopted, I’m 40 now and *finally* coming to terms with the damage it caused me. My adoptive family doesn’t speak to me. Haven’t heard from them in over 4 years. They didn’t adopt me for life, just for when it was convenient for them. Those feelings of hurt never completely go away. Then, OMG, comes this – There’s more horror to my story, the abandonment came after I attempted suicide and they used the system to steal my oldest child from me. I feel like I was exploited to fill their void yet again and my daughter is suffering because of it. That spiraled me hard into addiction and homelessness but by the grace of God, I am still alive and coming back to living for the first time in my life. It’s a lot to unpack! My adopter was looking for the excuse to abandon me for a long time, since she flat out told me I was the worst mistake she ever made and she wished she never adopted me. We are disposable to them. It’s painful to say the least.

Same-Sex Couple Dilemmas

Not who wrote it – just a representative photo.

Today, I read this post – I’m currently a 4th year doctoral candidate and I study family communication specifically on the intersection of family, adoption, and race. So, the intricacies of adoption and fostering are definitely not lost on me. Everyone asks if we’re “considering adoption” and it’s made me realize more and more that I don’t even accept the thought of adopting. I’m also trying to work through the complexity of possibly not being able to birth children and not adopting while still wanting to be a parent.

A queer adoptee answers – I can’t do that to another child. I can’t put another child thru that willingly. So instead, going back to school to be Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and work with those in adoption/first parents/adoptive parents. But I cannot put another child thru that in good conscience.

Another said similarly – I have talked to a lot of same sex couple about adoption and many of them have changed their minds after talking to me.

Yet another adoptee notes – I wish this had been the case for me. I lost a friend who mattered a lot to me because he is gay and feels that his only path to parenthood was adoption. He centered himself so much and even years later, he occasionally makes a post tagging me to poke at my adoptee status and how “wrong” I am. The previous one just above responded – I think I’ve gotten lucky. I’ve been pretty loud and active in my local community with not just family separation stuff but other issues too. I think that has helped with people actually listening to me.

Another who is an infant adoptee and late realized queer says – I have major anger at how society conceives children and parenthood through a heteronormative and parent-focused lens. Adoption and anonymous donor conception and surrogacy are deeply upsetting and triggering to me. I feel like I either have to be highly avoidant of those topics OR be highly selective of how I am in community with queer people. I look forward to a future where we prioritize children and reject social prescriptions, so that everyone (but especially queer people) can build families in ways that honor a child’s right to know their ancestors and ancestry. There are so many ways to have a family and care for a child.

An adoptive parent who has a teen writes – there are a lot of LGBTQ foster kids that are not understood or accepted the way they should be and would find solace in a home like yours, especially kids that are aging out. They face homelessness and trafficking. If you’re willing to consider kids that are old enough to consider their orientation, you could be a great resource to them in a world that is often not friendly or encouraging.

One writes from experience – I’m what’s known as a “half adoptee”/NPE (not parent expected), I was lied to about who my father was and kept away from him and his family, and the trauma from this isn’t comparable to full adoption but still informed my family planning decisions. I want my children to have access to their entire family.

My wife and I asked a good friend of ours to be our known donor, and take on a semi-parent role where he doesn’t really have any responsibility except to be in their lives. It’s been great, his parents are amazing and doting grandparents, our daughters have so much love and know exactly who they are, where they come from, where all their features and personality quirks came from, all with no confusion. They have a mommy and daddy who agreed a new person should exist and made them together, and their mommy who did not help make them, has raised them with us out of pure love and happiness.

Their dad lived with us off and on at first but unfortunately has to live out of state now, which I regret, but I pack up our eldest and send her to him and the grandparents every time she gets a long school break and the little one will do this as well, when she’s old enough for extended (weeks long) stays.

Blogger’s note – that’s probably enough “perspectives” – just some thinking on this topic that has become quite visible in recent years.

If I Wasn’t Poor . . .

Poverty and homelessness are associated with the break-up of families. A number of studies have documented that children in families who experience homelessness frequently become separated from their parents.
~ National Institutes of Health Study

From LINK>Human Rights Watch –
“If I Wasn’t Poor, I Wouldn’t Be Unfit”

It has been more than two years since Adaline Stephens’ six children were removed from her care and placed in the foster system. Her nightmare began on a night like any other. Her 9-year-old son, Elijah, was dancing in the kitchen and slipped on some water, injuring his hip. “I rushed him to the emergency room when he got hurt,” Adaline said. “The doctors asked me questions, and I told them everything. I trusted them to help him.” Adaline was shocked when she learned that her son’s medical providers reported her to child protective services for suspected abuse, triggering a cascade of state interventions that irreparably harmed her children and their family bond.

The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) launched an investigation. A caseworker visited the children’s school and pulled them from class to question them, came to the home unannounced, and randomly strip searched the children, ages 1, 4, 7, 9, and 10, to check their bodies for signs of abuse. Adaline said these visits were so frightening for her children that her youngest child began screaming every time she saw anyone with a badge.

Adaline was required to take a drug test, a requirement often—and disproportionally—imposed on Black mothers. She has scoliosis and spina bifida. Her doctor prescribed Percocet for the pain, but it was damaging her liver and stomach lining. “I made the decision to change to medical marijuana, which was better for my health,” she said. She tested positive for THC (the active substance in marijuana, and the chemical responsible for most of its psychological effects). “They stated that my marijuana usage rendered me incapable of providing 24-hour care to my children,” she said.

Adaline knew what was at stake. She was removed from her own parents’ care as a child and grew up in the foster system. Afraid that her children would be taken from her, Adaline agreed to six months of follow-up with the caseworker, weekly drug testing, and parenting classes, in exchange for keeping her children home with her.

In the meantime, Adaline gave birth to her youngest child. The birth was complicated because of her spinal conditions, and she had to use a wheelchair and walker for two months. During that time, she rescheduled one of Elijah’s follow-up appointments. Adaline said DCFS told her they found bed bugs in a couch and holes in the walls in of her home. (Blogger’s note – it is like they look for any excuse . . .)

Days before her case was set to be reviewed, Adaline was informed that a judge had ordered the children be removed from her custody due to the condition of the home and because she rescheduled her son’s appointment.

Her children, including her infant son, were removed from her care, separated from each other, and placed in foster homes. Four of the six children have experienced abuse in the foster system and are coping with serious mental health impacts, Adaline said. One of her sons had to be admitted to a mental health facility for inpatient care. The children remain in the foster system at time of writing, and Adaline is fighting to get them back.

“This situation has caused me so much pain, anger, and trauma from the separation from my children,” she said. “I just want my purpose back. I knew I wanted to be a mother and that’s all I ever knew how to do. Please help me and my kids.”

The truth is – One in three children in the United States will be part of a child welfare investigation by age 18. Every three minutes a child is removed from their home and placed in the foster system. Black children are almost twice as likely to experience investigations as white children and are more likely to be separated from their families. As a result, more than 200,000 children enter the foster system each year.

While the US child welfare system’s stated purpose is to improve child safety, permanency and well-being, and child welfare workers believe they are defending children’s rights to health and life, but too often system interventions too often unnecessarily disrupt family integrity and cause harm to the very children they aim to protect.

Time To Be Grateful

Blogger’s note – I once worked for a rental management company. Sometimes people were evicted. I rarely saw any of that up close, though one memorable experience was checking a vacated house next to our office to see if any roaches were still alive after fumigation . . . later in my life, I left a bad romantic relationship and dropped into St Louis with a suitcase and $500 – no car, no job and no friends. I had to sleep in the room I rented with the light on (after cleaning all the trash out for the owner who didn’t do it many weeks after I started sleeping on the couch in their living room). Yeah, the roaches were still that bad . . .

What if you were a single parent with a child ? You work full time for $14.00 hr. You bring home roughly $800.00 per paycheck (bi-weekly).

Your monthly bills are:
$1,000.00 / rent
$ 150.00 / electric
$ 250.00 / car payment
$ 150.00 / car insurance

So do the math :
You bring home about $1,600.00 a month and your monthly bills average about $1,550.00 (give or take). You’re making it – barely. This amount does not include groceries, internet, cable, cell phone, etc.

Now, it’s a really cold December and you get a surprise power bill for $600.00 (blogger’s note – something like that actually happened here in the local area where I live). How do you pay that ? To put it simply, you don’t, because you can’t. Therefore, your power gets shut off. Your lease requires connected utilities, so now you will get evicted. You try to make your case in court, the judge doesn’t care. You are given 10 days to leave voluntarily.

If you’re lucky, maybe you found somewhere you could live, the rent is only $650.00 a month, but you only have 3 days to spare and you must pass a background and credit check first. And you won’t pass it because you just got evicted, even though you’ve never been a criminal. Even so, you’d be looking at $1,300, just to move in, after paying the deposit and first month’s rent.

The landlord shows up at 7am with the police and they change your locks. Now, you’re living in your car with your 7 year old son. You have everything you could salvage in the car with you. You try to get a storage unit, but you don’t have a billing address, so they won’t rent one to you. You have only taken what would fit in your backseat. You pay to shower at local truck stops and eat whatever you can cook in a gas station microwave.

Someone sees you are living this way with your son and calls Child Protective Services. Guess what happens next ? ? ? Your child is removed from you. And now, you lose your job too. (Because “as an employee who has lost their child, well it just reflects poorly on the company.”)

At this point, you apply for an apartment with a waiting list of 3-7 years. Then, you go to Wal-Mart and put in a job application. Returning to your car, you see that your back window has been smashed. Someone has helped themselves to your belongings.

Now, remember that it is December and really cold. Your only shelter is no longer safe.
You call your car insurance agent, who says your deductible is $1,000.00 and the bad new is now they’re going to increase your monthly rate because you’ve become “ high risk”.

As a last resort, you call the homeless shelter. All their beds are full. I’ll stop here ….. because you probably understand the point of this story.

The people we work with everyday are these people. We may even be these people ourselves.
We are all so close to homelessness and often we don’t even realize it.

All it takes is –

one unexpected bill
one fender bender
one lay-off
one house fire, etc.

There are people all around us who are poor, homeless, or in need of assistance. Be grateful that you’re not in their shoes (if you are not already).

Stay humble and be kind – and always, BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE.
Many of us are struggling in some way.

Blogger’s note – My youngest sister spent 4 years homeless. I don’t know how she survived it but she did. Sadly, we are estranged because her untreated mental illness causes her to be very cruel towards me. Still, I am always grateful that she is no longer living on the street.

A comment on the story above shared a “game” that has been around awhile. It illustrates a similar point – the terrible choices some people have to make every day, just to barely get by (if they’re lucky). Here’s that game – LINK>PlaySpent.

Ending on a happier note – just Everyday People . . .

Like An Avalanche

“The point was, I didn’t deserve my son to be taken.”

When my two sons were young, I had a constant fear of losing them to the state without cause. Thankfully, they are 19 and 22 and have never spent a day without at least one of their parents. Others are not so lucky. Today, I read a story in The Guardian about a mother who could not believe how fast the tables turned on her. LINK>’No matter what I do, I’m not in control’: what happens when the state takes your child.

All she wanted was change for bus fare but the store clerk copped an attitude, so she left (that’s her side of the story and I’m not here to question it). I do find what happened next tragic. The clerk made a “keep the peace” call to the police. When the police confronted her, she was on her way to work, pushing her young son’s stroller across the street. They arrested her for disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, and obstruction. Basically, they didn’t appreciate her challenging their authority. In their report, they indicated that they would have let her go, if she had not protested.

It could have been worse, since Child Protective Services (CPS) initially placed her son with her brother. However, not informally as a temporary caregiver while she was locked up but formally, with the intention of allowing the state to take legal custody. This was even though, the doctor who examined the little boy wrote that he showed no concerns for neglect or injury. Nevertheless, the doctor authorized CPS to hold him for 72 hours, while the agency prepared to petition the court for custody. That’s how fast it happened. CPS hadn’t been in her life that morning but the situation didn’t just snowball; it came down on her like an avalanche.

From jail, her phoned her brother only to discover it was worse than at first believed. He told her that CPS had taken her son. “They said I couldn’t see him,” she later recalled. “I don’t have custody. I don’t have rights. Nothing.” So even though her criminal case was closed when the charges were dropped, the involvement of CPS wasn’t so easy to leave behind.

Forcible family separation – among the most extreme and intrusive of government actions – occurs much more often than many realize, particularly among Black and Native American families. One in eleven Black children and one in nine Native American children will be placed in foster care by the age of 18. Families come to CPS’s attention due to issues such as substance misuse, domestic violence, mental health needs, and homelessness. Most lack sufficient resources to address their challenges. Family separation essentially punishes parents and children for their poverty and adversity.

Foster care traumatizes children; forcible family separation generates immense pain and trauma for their parents. People’s everyday experiences as they interact with the state – whether public benefits programs, police, and schools, etc – fundamentally shapes what they know and think about government, inequality, and justice. Taking children has always been a political act that targets marginalized racial/ethnic groups to maintain power over them. Family separation teaches affected mothers that the state is an adversary, working against them, given their marginal social positions. CPS gives parents, especially mothers, first-hand experience with an antagonistic, controlling government. Caseworkers, attorneys, and judges claim to help, but in most of these mothers’ experiences, those officials are working against their interests. Mothers don’t see anyone on their side.

For the woman in this story, the path for get her son home became long and arduous, with CPS repeatedly adding obstacles. CPS wanted her to demonstrate “progress” – as they defined it – in her ability to parent. The clock was ticking: per federal law, once children have spent 15 of the last 22 months in foster care, states are supposed to start the process of terminating parental rights permanently. Parents with limited resources face substantial, often essentially insurmountable, burdens to meet CPS’s requirements. It felt like as soon as mothers met one request, CPS added another. Their cases kept getting continued in court. Meanwhile, their kids were growing up.

Finally, a judge ordered that her son could go home – even though as far as she could tell, her situation hadn’t changed. What had changed was she had simply been assigned to a different judge, one who saw no reason her son couldn’t go home. And she figured her caseworker had grown tired of dealing with her. “I can’t even believe they took two years of my life,” she sighed. “They took two years of my son’s life that I can’t get back.”

In the US, CPS puts hundreds of thousands of parents each year through this devastating experience. Certainly, these parents are often experiencing substantial adversity; they cannot always meet children’s needs in their current circumstances. Nevertheless, all deserve to be treated with dignity; all ought to have a say.

She Loved Me So Much

At least the woman in this photo got to hold her baby before handing her son over to another couple to raise. Like many young women who surrender their newborn to adoption, this young woman was at rock bottom and living in her car. She had no familial support and was alone with her pregnancy. One common perspective is – God wanted me to take this path. Religion often plays a role in couples wanting to adopt and in biological, genetic mothers making that choice to surrender their baby. Maternity homes are often linked to a religion.

An adoptee shares her experience – My mother left me at the hospital, when I was born. I was told – she did it because she loved me. After a brief stay at the hospital, where I (and others) were denied the comfort of being held, I went to a foster home. There I learned to walk and use some words. I had developed 2-3 word sentences, when the social worker took me from my foster home and dropped me at a stranger’s home. These became my adoptive parents. By the time I was in 3rd grade, my adoptive mother was “sick”. She stayed in bed with the door closed a lot. She always seemed mad.

I would learn 22 years later, it was because she had discovered alcohol took her arthritic pain away. Then Cortizone became available but that shot every 2 weeks didn’t change her alcoholism. So she also became addicted to steroids. I grew up thinking addiction issues were “normal”. Growing up, I wasn’t taught there was anything wrong with my mother leaving me. She did it because she loved me. My parenting skills were warped by my reality. I never received the therapy I needed as a child. If I had, I’m pretty sure I would have chosen to not procreate. I was left in the dark world of popular adoption narratives that never matched my reality.

Another adoptee responds – I never did completely buy that BS about “your [biological] mother loved you SO much she gave you away, so you would have a better life.” Then when I had my own first child, at 25, same age as my biological mother had been when she had me, whatever shred of the BS I had wanted to believe was somehow true was blown out of the water, as soon as I held my newborn infant. There are some biological mothers who gave their babies away that have convinced themselves that this narrative is true. Some of them have told me the reason adoptions were closed is to “protect” the mothers from “adoptees like me” who don’t buy that line, and who are angry with them, rather than grateful for having been “loved so much.” Adopted adults have been experiencing reunions, after finding their biological, genetic family, since the 60’s. There are no credible stories of an adopted person who has injured or killed their biological mother. That “excuse” is just a part of the industry propaganda.

One woman notes – When are people going to wake up that adoption is NOT for the child. My adoptive mother had SEVERE mental illness and NEVER left the house after I turned 6 – literally NEVER!

And the truth is, they won’t as long as the adoption industry propaganda continues to be the acceptable narrative. Sort of tongue in cheek – it would help if babies had a vocabulary and could use their words. As it is, by the time they could, they’ve been pretty much brainwashed into a kind of Stockholm syndrome. They have developed a fear of expressing anything that might be interpreted by the adoptive parents as displeasure in them, as parents.

Emotional withdrawal or neglect is just another form of abandonment…and it is not an expression of love, no matter how adoptive parents spin it. Only my adopters didn’t stay confined to their rooms; they constantly violated my boundaries. I was the one who tried to isolate as much as I could. My room wasn’t safe enough, so I’d escape by running away.

Another considers herself lucky enough to have been abandoned or emotionally neglected. She notes, “It’s a wonder I function pretty well and cover it up. However, I’m just numb to most of life.”

Someone else says, I had one of those kind of “moms” who stayed in her bed in her room. No wonder I feel guilty for staying in bed when I actually have a real illness.

Lastly, yet another adoptee shares her story – I started to doubt the “loved you so much she gave you away.” line when I was still young. People would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said a birth mom. I wanted to have kids and give them away to people who couldn’t have kids, so they could be happy. (Just repeating the crap I had been told.) And I was met with silence. Or “oh, you don’t want to give your babies away, your such a good little babysitter”, etc. Nope. I am going to give them away because I love them and want them to have money for the doctor. I’d say. Their faces were so unhappy. I was so confused. I look back at that little me and just cringe….

She was reassured – the fact that all the adults in our lives pushed the same narrative results in our blaming ourselves for the confusion we feel emotionally towards adoption.