Why Didn’t She Keep Me

The truth is – issues of how the previous or subsequent child/ren feel about the adoption of their relinquished sibling are almost NEVER addressed when a unexpectant mother is being counseled about relinquishing her baby. It happens. Lives change over time. That is why in activist groups opposing adoption – mothers contemplating surrendering their baby to adoption are often counseled not to chose a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem.

When a previously relinquished child goes into a reunion with their biological mother and discovers that she has subsequently had other children who she has kept and raised, this understandably raises issues in the adoptee’s mind.

Today, I read something from an adoptive mother about having been “found” by the biological mother of her adopted son. This mother has two other children she is parenting who are said to be too young to understand the dynamics and so is the adopted son. She is about him in the future and what he will think like “why didn’t she keep me?”

An adoptee answers – I think that “why didn’t she keep me” is the core question of all adoptees, even the ones that have not re-met their birth mother. The best you can do is be prepared for these feelings and questions. You’re already aware, so that’s a great step! You may need to invite him to speak about it by casual age appropriate conversations with him. Even if he doesn’t ask questions, he needs to know that it’s safe to. Support and understand as best as you can. I appreciate that you have his best interest in mind.

Another adoptee adds – I am certain the one thing all adoptees have in common is the question, “Why didn’t she keep me.” It’s “natural” for moms to keep their babies – so for us, it’s just one big question. Even when we are told the “why.”

A transracial adoptee confirms – ‘Why didn’t she keep me?’ is on adoptees’ minds throughout our lives.

One adult adopted as an infant says – we always ask hard questions – like why didn’t she keep me ? I had a completely closed adoption and I still ask this all the time.

blogger’s note – this is often in my own mind too. Though life is full of situations and circumstances that can throw any life expectations out of reach, it is understandable that any child that is surrendered will always wonder. Even when they know the honest answer.

Difficult Allegations

In September of 2021, I wrote a blog about LINK>Adoptee – Buffy Sainte-Marie. In The Guardian, there is a new article about her as she LINK>denies allegations that she misled the public about her Indigenous ancestry.

Her response to these allegations seems honest for any adoptee – “I have always struggled to answer questions about who I am. Through that research what became clear, and what I’ve always been honest about, is that I don’t know where I’m from or who my birth parents were, and I will never know.”

blogger’s note – My mom had much the same perspective. She had her parents’ names as Mr & Mrs JC Moore. Not a lot to go on. The state of Tennessee refused her request to release her adoption file – a file I now have plus black and white photos of my mom and her mom the last time they were together.

In a recent interview, Buffy Sainte-Marie noted that – “As adopted children, we don’t even know when our birthday is. You spend your entire life asking questions you can’t answer.” blogger’s note – In fact, my mom’s birth date had even been changed when her birth certificate was reissued as though she had been born to her adoptive parents.

Eventually, Sainte-Marie was accepted by the Piapot First Nation and given a Cree name – Piyasees Kanikamut, which means ‘Singing Bird’.

The tribe has come to her defense saying that questions over Sainte-Marie’s ancestry were “hurtful, ignorant, colonial – and racist”. Adding “No one, including Canada and its governments, the Indian Act, institutions, media or any person anywhere can deny our family’s inherent right to determine who is a member of our family and community.”

Though she has retired from live performances, due to health issues, she has long been known as a fierce advocate of Indigenous peoples and a key figure in social justice movements. “Buffy has lived her life as an Indigenous woman, and as such, has experienced all of the ‘lived experience’ that goes along with it- the good and the painful. What is gained by targeting her at this age?” wrote Robyn Michaud, an Indigenous studies professor at Conestoga College. “My heart hurts.”

My photo of her comes from an NPR story about her LINK>”Authorized Biography” which was co-authored with Andrea Warner. It is said that her biography serves as a Map of Hope.

National Adoption Month and Teens

It’s that time of year again. Yes, November. National Adoption Awareness Month.

From Child Welfare dot gov – National Adoption Month is an initiative of the Children’s Bureau that seeks to increase national awareness of adoption issues, bring attention to the need for adoptive families for teens in the US foster care system, and emphasize the value of youth engagement. We have focused our efforts on adoption for teens because we know that teens in foster care wait longer for permanency and are at higher risk of aging out than younger children. Teens need love, support, and a sense of belonging that families can provide. Securing lifelong connections for these teens, both legally and emotionally, is a critical component in determining their future achievement, health, and well-being.

This year’s National Adoption Month theme is “Conversations Matter.” Incorporating youth engagement into daily child welfare practice can start with a simple conversation. Listen to what the young person has to say, what their goals are, and how they feel about adoption. Create an environment where they can be honest and ask questions. Youth are the experts of their own lives, so let them partner with you in permanency planning and make decisions about their life.

In 2019, there were over 122,000 children and youth in foster care waiting to be adopted who are at risk of aging out without a permanent family connection. Approximately one in five children in the U.S. foster care system waiting to be adopted are teens. Teens, ages 15-18, wait significantly longer for permanency when compared to their peers. Only 5% of all children adopted in 2019 were 15-18 years old. There is a high risk of homelessness and human trafficking for teenagers who age out of foster care.

More statistics from 2019 (the most recent year data is available) – of the 122,000 children and youth waiting to be adopted: 52% are male, 48% are female, 22% are African American, 22% are Hispanic, 44% are white, while the average age is 8 years old – 11 percent are between 15 and 18 years old.

The History of National Adoption Month –

In 1976, Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis announced an Adoption Week to promote awareness of the need for adoptive families for children in foster care.

In 1984, President Reagan proclaimed the first National Adoption Week. In 1995, President Clinton expanded the awareness week to the entire month of November.