There Is Actually A Need

From a thread where hopeful adoptive parents are fighting a very young, unwed mother to let them raise her child – “Your baby needs a mother and a father. That’s more important than your feelings. We are trying our best to be honest, even when it’s hard. It’s wrong to keep pushing for us to just scrap our name for your baby. It is just not going anywhere productive. Stop asking us because we aren’t going to listen.”

“There are so many families who just grow old and never have any children at all. Sounds weird to say but there is actually a need for birth moms. I wish more people were aware of how many are waiting and could get a little help from volunteer birth moms. I know that’s a controversial take.”

“Some of these families have ten plus kids and I feel it’s highly likely those kids aren’t getting good care. Better to keep 5 and place 5 with the infertile doctor and his wife who can’t have any. There’ just more than one way to look at something in order to solve a problem.”

This is a reality out in adoption land.

Hard Things

It has taken me longer than I expected but I’m still trying to get myself back on track with what I want to do going forward. This post (not my own story) inspired me to do something in that direction today.

I am the parent of a preschooler adopted from foster care who has been with our family since birth. We are in contact with some biological family members. There are some really painful things in kiddo’s history and birth family, including for example NAS (Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome – withdrawal secondary to intrauterine drug exposure) and FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder – exposed to alcohol before birth) diagnoses and a birth parent incarcerated for what I would consider one of the worst crimes to commit. I have taken on board the wisdom of making sure kiddo has all the information I have about birth family by pre-teen / early teen years. No way should their first encounter with these hard things be through a search engine. I can imagine some ways I might verbalize these hard things. But I would really appreciate example scripts, models, and personal stories. How have others introduced hard pieces of kids’ stories? How have you worded these things? How did you age- appropriately build in all the pieces? What kinds of questions have your kids asked in response, and how did you answer them? Getting input from others would be useful.

First response – Age appropriate language and honesty is the only way. No opinions, no hearsay, only what you know to be true and can verify through records. The earlier they can begin to process the hard stuff at an appropriate level, the better the long-term outcomes for their mental health.

Second response – Be sure to frame it as choice, illness, circumstances, etc (whichever it may be) vs the person themselves being “bad”. This can help your child understand that they themselves are not inherently “bad” just because a family member lost rights, was incarcerated, etc.

From personal experience – My incredibly humble two cents….because of some “garbage” as I term it that has happened to me, I have been forced to learn a lot about trauma and the impact of intergenerational trauma and mental health. I would suggest that any family background you can learn *might* be useful for giving your child a full story.

From another parent – I’m in this boat too. Very similar story and a lot of medical implications for my son consequently. I’m trying to explain adoption and all the history in an age appropriate way to a child who also has impairment. It is HARD. He can’t ask questions in a normal way so you never know how much to tell without flooding him but still wanting to build a foundation of honesty.

This suggestion – Look into creating a Life Book for them as a tool for discussion. Maybe you can work on it together? It will help you put things in context and use it as talking points. Be sure to remove all aspects of judgment about a situation or action, use simple plain language terms. Something else to think about it “truth” as we know it today changes over time. New revelations may come out over the years that alter what you think you know now. (It happened with one of my kiddos.) Listening to adult adoptees talking about how they were told their stories made me realize how important it is to frame information as “we were told this…” and not to make a statement that implied we KNEW the whole truth about something. It can be a bit tricky.

Unfortunate experiences along the way – What occurred with my kids, re: the life and death of their one parent and the crime their stepparent committed was horrible. Students in my 7, 8, and 12 year old classes bullied my kids because their parents found information about my kids parents on the web. Some kids told my 7 year old, that their parent who died was in hell, because all drug dealers belong in hell. My 12 year old never had friends, because parents didn’t want their kids around a kid whose parent’s crime was so horrific. I have talked with compassion to my kids, about the parent who died. I’ve talked in small pieces about other people who have committed the crime of the other parent. I have not been specific to anything that is not information found on the web. I’m letting their therapist address this, but the kids are now 12 and 13 and have told me I need to be honest with them, so I do answer specific questions they ask me. I let them be in control of what they want to know. I wish I had words of wisdom to share, but I don’t. Your family is in my thoughts.

Never Feeling Safe

An adult adoptee expresses how she feels –

Here it is in a nutshell. All I ever really wanted was to feel clean on the inside and I tried a lot of things to make that happen.

And it all boils down to not being able to untwist the core lie my whole existence on this planet this time around is based in and on.

Confusion is not a safe feeling. If you don’t feel safe your thinking processes are affected. You do things you wouldn’t do or not do things you would if you felt safe. The worst part is that you never knew why you never felt safe. It wasn’t a thought you could think through because the consequence of my honesty may mean abandonment.

I was stuck in a web of lies. Caught up in someone’s fantasy. A brain pickled in cortisol and oxytocin deprived. Being told this is gods will and how much I was loved yet no one would answer my questions.

And here we are today. After the truth set me free by opening the door to the demons I knew were lurking there. These were some hard core demons and then there were the encouragers and then there were none.

And here I am standing here loving me. I will be 72 in September, and I have learned to love me because I can love others better that way.

Now WTF do I need to do to get this adhd under control.

Moving Forward

A woman writes – For as long as I can remember, my adoption has been a defining part of my life, shaping my identity and experiences. Over the last six months, I’ve been on an intense journey to uncover the truths hidden within my past.

It has been a time filled with pain, confusion, and a desperate need for answers. I’ve come face-to-face with the trauma that has been quietly influencing my life for years, and I’ve realized that some of the people closest to me—those who claim to have no trauma—are unwilling or unable to face the truth alongside me.

For the first time in my life, I’ve had the courage to stand up for myself, to ask the difficult questions that have been weighing on my heart. I’ve come to understand that if the people who say they love me can’t acknowledge or address this part of my life, I can’t let that hold me back.

My journey of healing and self-discovery isn’t dependent on anyone else. I’m moving forward, with or without them, and for the first time, I feel empowered in my decision.

And receives encouragement – It’s a hard journey, but learning our truths is so important. When I went through something similar, I started to feel like an adult and not a little girl. Here’s to the next chapter of your life. Including this from another one – It’s such an eye opener to see how much that experience defines one’s life, we start to identify with it. Sounds like you’ve reached a point of much needed clarity. You deserve truth, kindness and understanding. We wish you the best in this next journey of your life! And this from another – Getting to this point is not for the fainthearted. It takes so much strength and pain and reflection and honesty huge amount of bravery.

I really liked this analogy – life is like you are on an elevator. And there are a group of people on that elevator car with you. Sometimes you stop and a few people get off and others get on. Along the way those who get off may get back on again… or they may not depending on so many factors. It’s ok if people who were on that elevator car get off. Sometimes they need to for you to continue on your way. Sending strength.

A Warning About Delay – Some wait for so long to look for some information and/or answers, that they are no longer obtainable. These wish they had done it sooner.

Not All

Today’s story illustrates this –

We adopted our almost 8 year old from birth. The relationship with birth mom and her other children has been sporadic at best (her choice). My daughter misses her siblings but they have recently been taken from the bio mom who became homeless and apparently was charged with neglect. Some are with their own bio dads and one is in foster care. My daughter does not know this yet, and we will work with her therapist to share this information in a way that hopefully lessens the trauma (for context, we don’t have a way to get ahold of bio mom anymore to offer help and she has moved across the country).

My daughter also has always wanted to meet and know her bio dad and his family. We have worked hard to find him and make that happen. I finally connected with his sister (so my daughter’s bio aunt) on Facebook and my husband and I are meeting her next week. We’re hoping she’ll be amenable to starting a relationship with our daughter. We’ll get more information at that time, but she alluded that her brother isn’t not open to that right now. How do we make sure this is not causing more trauma for our young daughter? I know that having this relationship could be great for her, but will it make it worse knowing that bio aunt is willing to meet her (and hopefully have a relationship with her) but her dad isn’t? We want to do what’s right for her. She craves to know this side of her family, but I’ve heard that discovering the bio parent can create more trauma.

A relevant response from an adoptee – If any of her bio family wants to meet her/have a relationship with her do all you can to make it happen. Yes, it may hurt and cause trauma that other bio family does not want to do that. However, that can you can work through. What will never be worked out is if she discovers she could have had something with bio family but you kept that from happening. Even worse is if she finds out you were anything but 100% truthful to her or them. Don’t hide behind we were trying to protect her. Unless there is some clear danger, such as the parent abused other children or threatened her or you in some way, the only people you are thinking about is yourselves. It is acceptable to give an age appropriate truth such as her siblings are being cared for by other adults because her bio mother is not able to provide shelter for them right now. Therefore, she probably will not be in contact with her for a while. If she wants to have contact with her other siblings, try to make it happen. If it is not to be, tell her that and why. Again in a truthful age appropriate way. That could be upsetting to her but again that can be worked through. What is important is that she knows she can trust you to always be honest with her. Break that trust and you will lose her forever.

Difficult Conversations

Not the child in today’s story.

We have guardianship of a 7yr old. He has lived with us twice before through foster care but always returned home after sobriety was achieved.

Guardianship happened after the 3rd relapse in 6 years.

Grandparents have guardianship of some older siblings and often go camping in the summer and invite his mom to join them (their daughter and mother of the kids).

How would you navigate the conversation of yes he can go camping with his family but he can’t move back in with his mom, since she is still in rehab and we don’t know when/if he ever will, due to her substance abuse history?

Is it as simple as saying it that way? I don’t want to overcomplicate it.

He knows that his mom was arrested for drugs and that’s why he has lived with us through the years. His whole life we have genuinely had a good relationship with his mom. We send her pictures and he has had several supervised visits since the last relapse and they FaceTime several times during the week.

One suggestion – “All grown-ups need help taking care of kids. That’s why we are teamed up with the adults in your family, so that we can all help each other take the best care of you.”

One person formerly in foster care asks – Do you think he would want to go? I’m only speaking from my personal experience. I didn’t like events like that when I was a kid with my father because he would try to act like he was this good dad and it was uncomfortable and I felt out of place the entire time. That’s not to say he shouldn’t go but there are a lot of emotional things to navigate outside of just her sobriety.

Another one suggested – put it back on the courts, if he asks. “Right now the judge decided it’s best for you to stay with us. When the judge tells us you can come back to your mom we will absolutely make it happen.” And if he asks when, it’s okay to say that you don’t know but will keep him updated as soon as you do.

An elementary school teacher who has some experience with parents that have addiction issues said – the camping experience is an opportunity for an extended visit with your mom and grandparents. Your mom and grandparents are going to make sure you and your siblings have a great time together. Your mom is still doing some really important work to be her best, and she still needs some more time to do that. Which means you are not going to go home to live with her yet. She added – ask if he’s comfortable with that because it might be more traumatic for him to deal with that separation all over again. She also suggested a therapist to talk about the trauma he’s experienced, in general. She then shared – My mom struggled with addiction for years and, while I was never removed, I wish I could have had someone who didn’t make her the bad guy for fighting a really difficult disease. It takes an incredible amount of work to fight that addiction, and kudos to his mom to keep trying.

One adoptive parent said – Sometimes the answers are just what they are and there isn’t a nice explanation just a hard truth. we just talk about it honestly. Mom had a drug addiction and tons of childhood trauma herself. We talk about those things. How trauma and addiction can effect us. We always emphasize that it isn’t anything against them. She added – my experience is to always go with the truth. Sometimes the situation just sucks and it is ok to say that. And added – she never negatively talks about their Mom – ever – but the girls sometimes express anger. We validate those feelings but I never jump on that bandwagon.

Another Kind Of CPS

I have mentioned CPS (Child Protective Services) frequently in this blog. They are part of the government that removes children from what are deemed unsafe environments. I have documented frequently that their actions are not always as sterling as most citizens might believe.

Today, it was suggested that I take a look at LINK>Dr Ross Greene who is a clinical psychologist. He has been working with children and families for over 30 years. His influential work is widely known throughout the world.

In the perspectives of Dr Greene, CPS stands for LINK>Collaborative & Proactive Solutions. Many adoptive parents find themselves dealing with a traumatized adoptee who exhibits challenging behaviors. This is probably one of the main reasons that hopeful adoptive parents prefer to adopt an infant who may present less already baked in behaviors.

Dr Greene choses not to emphasize the kids’ challenging behaviors – whether it’s whining, pouting, sulking, withdrawing, crying, screaming, swearing, hitting, spitting, biting, or worse. He prefers to look at how they’re expressing the fact that there are expectations they’re having difficulty meeting. In the CPS model, those unmet expectations are referred to as unsolved problems. The goal is to solve those problems, rather than trying to modify the child’s behavior by using rewards and punishments.

The goal in CPS is to foster a problem-solving, collaborative partnership between adults and kids by engaging kids in solving the problems that affect their lives. The CPS model is non-punitive and non-adversarial. This decreases the likelihood of conflict, enhances relationships and improves communication within the family.

The skills developed include empathy, appreciating how one’s behavior is affecting others, resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict, taking another’s perspective, and honesty. His book LINK>Raising Human Beings details how to create a collaborative partnership with your child.

Some Lives Are Difficult

Not the Girl in this story

Today’s story comes out of a foster parent help and support group. It concerns a 4 yr old girl who was placed with them when she was only 2 years old. Her biological mom passed away 3 mos after she had been placed with a foster family. Her biological dad has been in prison the entire time. She calls her foster parents mom and dad and has no recollection of her original parents.

She is now going to be transitioned to an adoptive home. The foster parents have tried to explain to her that they are not her parents and that she’s going to have new parents. To their credit, they are concerned about the trauma this may cause her.

They don’t want her to feel abandoned but their agency is not giving them any guidance about how to handle this situation. The agency is giving the foster parents 2 months to prepare the little girl and she will have a lot of visits with her new parents during that time period.

One adoptee stated – You should adopt her if she is fully integrated into your family and calling you Mom and Dad. You have no other option. If you don’t want to adopt her, then how has this gone on for 2 years?

Another blamed the agency – The agency failed the child too. They never should have let this go on, and should have been facilitating at least phone calls with dad in jail. To which the original commenter (who is not the foster parent in question) replied – I am not downplaying how the agency has messed up. I just do not understand how you can have a child living in your home and not advocate and be honest with them. It sickens me.

Then came a reality check from someone who experienced foster care – that depends what he’s in prison for. If he’s been in prison the entire time, then his parental rights were terminated before the child had conscious and accessible memories. If he’s serving time for any restricted offenses, then the state does not allow any contact with that incarcerated relative. My biological dad was incarcerated and not allowed to have contact with me because one of his charges was child endangerment and the others were drug related offenses within school zones. Therefore, there was no mandate or legal channel for visiting or communication with him, while I was in active foster care, even as a teen, and especially not with my foster parent facilitating it.

The Adoptee’s Burden

So a hopeful adoptive mother asked about gender preferences when adopting. An adoptive mother responded honestly – Your perfect little girl is not going to come from adoption. Adopted children are traumatized and are not there to fulfill our dreams. If you heart wouldn’t be in it with a boy, I would think very carefully about what you’re going into. We are not shopping for children here. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but hard truths are something hopeful adoptive parents need to hear.

One foster parent noted – It seems that they want a specific gender based on their fantasy for what life will be– they are essentially bringing a child into their home with a job/responsibility (i.e., to fulfill that fantasy). The question becomes: what happens if that child doesn’t fulfill that fantasy? I honestly feel the same way when parents have strong reactions at gender reveals.

blogger’s note – I grew up in a family with female siblings. My first child was a daughter. Then, in my second marriage, with a husband who grew up with male siblings, we ended up with 2 boys. I will admit to some gender shock and understand the origin of the word boisterous. Raising them is the greatest privilege and responsibility of our lives, whatever they end up being – non-binary, intersex (a person born with a combination of male and female biological traits), etc LOL See below for what caused my comment.

A person commented – I find that most people with a strong gender preference are more focused on expecting their kid to fit a certain gendered idea. A really narrow reason that feels somewhat legit to me is a single parent or same sex couple who feel better equipped to help a child of the same sex navigate things like puberty and some of the different challenges the world throws at boys vs girls. I can certainly say I find the idea of teaching my daughters about periods and the importance of being aware of the dangers of diet culture much less intimidating than I would find the idea of teaching sons how to navigate male puberty and various kinds of toxic masculinity. (But I’m married to a cis man, so if we’d had a boy, he could talk to his dad about some of this stuff. And otherwise I would just be spending a lot more time doing research to figure it out.)

Counseling On Adoption Trauma

Today’s question – Do you feel like you were informed or educated on adoption trauma prior to adoption/guardianship ?

A mom who gave her child up for adoption answers – I was never offered counseling nor thought to seek it. When I did google information on adoption back then, nothing about trauma came up. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have done it. I have regretted it every single day of my life and will until the day I die. In response, someone noted – Those sentiments in a conversation with an adult child. Feelings of having been coerced (universally common in agency adoptions). Regret. Loss. Honestly expressing these may go a long way to help her and the child heal as they come out of the fog. An adoptee who also surrendered a child to adoption adds – It was incredibly healing to hear similar from my mom, and having that conversation with my son brought us even closer. What would have been unbelievably hurtful would have been to hear that my mom was happy she gave me away.

The experience is different when adopting through foster care – an adoptive parent answers – Yes and no. The agency we adopted through, the program we did, was mostly older (in the adoption world) placements through foster care. So yes, there was a lot of information about trauma. I felt very well educated and very well informed. We read a lot of books, had a lot of mental health resources already in place, attended trainings, etc. I am also a psychiatric nurse, so I had exposure to it already. That being said, there was still a lot of focus on the trauma being prior to adoption or early in adoption process. Since we were educated on how important birth family was, to honor that loss and grief, keep connections, and knew not to punish behaviors that were from trauma, utilize/provide resources for the children and ourselves etc, then everything would be rainbows and unicorns eventually. (Reality check – it is NOT that false narrative.)

Another adoptive parent shares – No. The Dept of Social Services (DSS) didn’t give any information, but I had studied adoption trauma in grad school. DSS was actually “shocked” when I said that my foster daughter needed therapy. Thankfully, we were referred to an OUTSTANDING doctor who dealt almost exclusively with adoption trauma, including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

One who has guardianship notes – there was nothing. The judge signed the order and I had to figure it out from there. Child Protective Services stopped in one time to make sure we were minimally sufficient and we had one call from the court investigator. There was no support or information given. I actually find it really frustrating because when we finally did get a little support it was like a quarter of the amount foster parents get. And I was trying to keep a family member out of the system. To become a foster parent there were multiple classes. I’m not sure if they were actually as unhelpful as I remember but the whole process was overwhelming (I was 20, my cousin was going into foster care, long term guardianship was denied and we had to get approved, so he didn’t go to strangers). I’ll be honest. I was not trauma informed at all. I didn’t have a great understanding of addiction, mental health and trauma. As we get closer to adopting (a separate kin placement 6 years later) there has been a lot more information but we haven’t been offered counseling specifically. There was a two day adoption class through the state that was actually really informative and had people from all parts of the triad there to speak. We have cared for older children but it was a fight to get services for them and one child that needed medication wasn’t able to get it until reunification.