Abandoned in a Cardboard Box

In looking for an image to illustrate today’s story, I was surprised at how common it actually is for parents to use a cardboard box as a bassinet. The story I read in LINK>The Huffington Post isn’t actually about this. The story by Shari Leid is titled – “I Was Found Abandoned In A Cardboard Box As A Baby. All My Life I’ve Been Searching For The Truth About Who I Am.” The subtitle is – “Now a mother myself, I often think about the emotions that must have swirled within my birth mother during her pregnancy.”

She writes – In the bustling streets of Seoul, South Korea, my life began at Chapter 2 with a cardboard box in a nondescript parking lot. There was no Chapter 1; the scant police, hospital and orphanage records offer no clues about my birth name, birthplace, or birthdate. My birth story is shrouded in mystery. It was 1970, a time when adoption, especially international adoption, was navigated with less understanding than it is today. Concepts like the significance of bonding between a baby and its mother during the first year of life were not as widely recognized or prioritized.

She goes on to note – Attachment, the emotional bond between a child and their primary caregiver, is now known to play a pivotal role in shaping our relationships and emotional well-being. My early life was marked by a series of caregivers ― from a birth family to a police station to a hospital ward to an orphanage and finally to a foster home ― before being escorted to the United States by representatives of an adoption agency to meet my adoptive parents. This early experience laid the foundation for the complex web of attachment issues I would grapple with throughout my life.

Not for the first time have I read this from an adoptee – the school project that I hated the most was the Family Tree assignment. It was a stark reminder that I was like a grafted branch, awkwardly attached to a tree that wasn’t originally mine. And the thing with grafts is, they don’t always take ― sometimes they stick out, not quite blending in, or they might not even survive if they don’t heal right.

She relates the effects of her attachment issues – In those tricky teen years and my early 20s, I struggled with trust in my relationships. I was continually searching for assurance, for tangible signs that the people in my life would remain steadfast, that our connections would endure the inevitable storms. Looking back, I recognize this was a dance with fear ― the fear of being forgotten, of being alone. Unintentionally, I placed those around me under the microscope of my insecurities, seeking constant validation of their affection and commitment.

Then she describes how becoming a mother affected her – Now a mother myself, having experienced the profound journey of pregnancy and childbirth, I often think about the emotions that must have swirled within my birth mother during her pregnancy. I can’t help but wonder whether she, too, grappled with a sense of emotional detachment ― an act of self-preservation, knowing she couldn’t keep me — and if she transferred those feelings of detachment and anxiety to her unborn child.

She notes that there is a profound power in having a birth narrative. Hers came by way of a psychic at a friend’s party. She was given the gift of a reimagined beginning. It is interesting that after marriage, she and her husband adopted a girl from China only to discover that this woman was already pregnant. This happens more often than you might think (an adoption brings with it a pregnancy). Her son was born a mere seven months after they returned from China.

She notes – We adoptees are not just the sum of our adopted family; we are the continuation of a history, the carriers of genetics, and the embodiment of potential that stretches back beyond our memory. Our birth families, with all their mysteries and absences, are still a vital piece of our identity, a narrative thread that is ours to weave into the story of our lives.

There is a lot of attention to Korean adoptee stories these days – 112,000 Korean children were adopted by US citizens over the last 60 years. The story author writes – In 2020, the South Korean National Police Agency began offering a service to overseas adoptees of Korean descent that provides a way for us to submit our DNA and register it with foreign diplomatic offices, in the hopes of reconnecting with our biological families. I provided my DNA sample, but to this day, there has been no match.

So Perfectly Expressed

Podcast by Ande Scott, a late discovery adoptee

This was NOT in her podcast but was posted by my friend on Facebook. It was so good (and I am short on time today) that I wanted to share it here.

When people tell me Adoption isn’t like it was when you were a baby – in many ways the adoption industry is worse. On the one hand, they will acknowledge that adoption is trauma, but continue to do “outreach” to coerce pregnant people in crisis to give up their children. They will acknowledge that our families are traumatized by our loss, but throw platitudes and promises at them, in order to convince them to relinquish. They acknowledge the pain, but pursue policies that deny reproductive rights, prevent sex education and access to contraceptives , and promote a false narrative that children will be better off with strangers. They acknowledge that people who lose their families should know they are being raised by others, and say they promote openness. Without advising our families that this is usually not enforceable, and still advocating for falsified birth certificates. They promote foster to adopt as the solution, but do not disclose the way this has been turned into a racket; one that involves increased policing of families, especially families of color.

They’ve gotten better at the con, out of long years of practice and access to billions of dollars. They use their lobbying and political and religious and social power to disempower others and perpetuate marginalization, when they could put the weight of their influence behind family preservation and the programs that would make our society healthier. But that would mean a loss of money and power.

Every day another child is robbed of their identity and family and culture and history via the practices of the dual birth certificate system, closed adoption (knowing you are adopted does not equate to open adoption ), private adoption, transracial adoption, transnational adoption.

None of these practices are necessary to help a child in crisis.

A Black Hole of Identity

Today’s story is very much like my own dad’s perspective –

My Dad is an Adoptee (from birth). I knew this growing up and he knew his whole life as well. I know as much as he does about the circumstances of his adoption. And I never thought too much of it until I was older (teens) and he made a comment to me about me being his only blood. He never met his Parents, he never had a desire too (as he has stated). He was not kept from doing so and knowing my grandparents they do not seem like the kind of people that wouldn’t have allowed him to, if he had wanted.

As far as my Dad’s side of the family it was filled in with his Adoptive parents and adoptive family which made sense to me (and him). Here is where I am struggling. For a few years now, I’ve been very curious about my actual bloodline and where I’m from essentially. I know nothing about 3/4 of my ancestry/bloodline. Is it weird to have such a desire to know? I mean I can respect not knowing or seeking out people my parents have no desire to know themselves but I’d love to know where I’m from (I hope I’m saying that right). I’ve considered doing an Ancestry DNA type thing. Not sure if it would fully answer my questions and satisfy my curiosity. Am I being selfish being curious in the first place? I in no way want to disrespect my parents or trample on any trauma they have…which is why I haven’t yet to express this curiosity/desire to either of them.

Does anyone who is the child of an Adoptee or Adoptee with children have thoughts on this? Would it be wrong even bringing this up to them? Would it be wrong to do something like Ancestry DNA (should I tell them or just do it?)

blogger’s note – I responded. This is as close as I’ve gotten to anyone with a family history like mine and none yet with the same circumstances.

I am the child of 2 adoptees and my dad was a lot like your dad. It is not weird to want to know your heritage. After my parents died and I was already well over 60 years old myself, I finally uncovered ALL 4 of my original grandparents identities. I have connected with a few genetic cousins and one aunt. It has been an odd journey that did affect how I felt about my adoptive relatives. After several years, I believe I am somewhat reintegrating who they were during my childhood with the complicated understanding that I was never genetically related to any of them. HUGS. I do hope you find the information your heart is wanting to know. Regardless of how it has complicated my feelings, I am grateful to finally feel whole, without that black hole of not knowing anything about our heritage, just who my parents were.

PS I did BOTH Ancestry and 23 and Me. They were very helpful in my own journey. Go for it. You don’t need anyone’s permission.

Childhood Trauma

This will not be news to most adoptees. Still the statistics don’t lie about what childhood trauma does to the child. Being separated from the family that we were conceived within will always have a layer of trauma built in.

The effects of adoption trauma include grief and loss, problems in relationships, struggles with identity and sense of belonging, or behavioral and academic problems. Adoption trauma can also sometimes lead to more serious mental health concerns, including anxiety, ADHD, and suicidal ideation.

Just Google “Adoption Trauma” and you will find abundant sources of corroborating information.

Seven Core Issues

I’ve not actually read this book but learned about it today. It comes highly recommended by many and who have actually read it and is rated right up there with The Primal Wound and Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. Also Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self. So, I thought I should share it. I was happy to see that the book also covers Third Party Reproduction (in fact the book includes donor insemination and surrogacy).

Originally published in the 1980s, it was ahead of it’s time. One adoptee says, it is something that I wish my adoptive parents had read. The new edition has been updated and was released in 2019. The seven core issues are loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control.

One person familiar with this book said it was “A classic and foundational to the way I think about these issues and the importance of reform in adoption practices.”

At Amazon it is said – “the first conceptual framework of its kind to offer a unifying lens that was inclusive of all individuals touched by the adoption experience.” It is further noted that – “Attachment and trauma are integrated with the Seven Core Issues model to address and normalize the additional tasks individuals and families will encounter.” The book also claims to access “a range of perspectives including: multi-racial, LGBTQ, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, African-American, International,” as well as those that cover openness, search and reunion.

Penny Callan Partridge, Co-founder in 1973 of the Adoption Forum of Philadelphia, wrote – “For decades, I have been responding to these ‘seven core issues’ as an adopted person, as a parent by adoption, as a poet. Now I imagine myself as a therapist trying to help someone in the adoption constellation. I would definitely want this book close at hand.”

Another, Keith Silverstein, a voice actor and adoption advocate, noted – “As an adopted person, I’m very familiar with the seven core issues, both comprehensively and experientially. Yet even with my prior knowledge, there was a deeper understanding to be attained through the pages of this book. Having had the pleasure to work with and consider both Sharon and Allison my friends, I’ve seen first hand the passion they have for adoption and helping children find permanence. Their collective expertise, contained here, is, in my opinion, the gold standard for understanding and working towards permanence in adoption.”

An Adoptee’s Story

I learned about this book, when I saw a poem posted by the author, Diane McConnell. She gave permission to share the poem saying – “you can do that (share the poem). Please use my name as I’m the author. It is also a copyrighted part in my book, so there’s that. It’s called No Returns Without Original Receipt (image above).

At Amazon, she writes regarding the book – Renewed courage after learning the final piece of my true heritage has overcome my life-long fear of telling my story. Every adoptee has the right, and many the need, to discover her or his true history, ancestry and identity. Knowledge gives power and confidence. With our truths, we can recover and grow stronger.

blogger’s note – I understand. While not an adoptee, as the child of 2 adoptees who died knowing next to nothing about their origins, I had a NEED to know our family’s true history, our ancestry and recover my own genetic identity.

Diane’s poem is below.

Family Secrets

Kerry Washington recently learned that her father, Earl Washington, is not her biological father. It’s news that sent her on her current journey of self-discovery. “It really turned my world upside down,” Washington tells LINK>People.

As she began to record an episode of the PBS series “Finding Your Roots” with Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., her father began experiencing panic attacks. Having held onto the secret for decades, Washington’s mom, Valerie, a professor, and dad, Earl, a real estate agent, had a private conversation with Gates, who told them it was always best for families to discuss such revelations privately prior to filming. What came next, says Washington, was a text message from her parents inviting her to a family sit-down in the spring of 2018.

“When I got this information, I was like, ‘Oh. I now know my story,'” says the star, who recalls feeling a sense of relief at the news after long feeling her parents were keeping things from her and that something was missing. “I didn’t know what my story was, but I was playing the supporting character in their story.”

Washington says she kept her calm and asked a lot of questions while trying to give her parents grace in what was clearly a difficult moment for them. She learned that they’d opted to use an anonymous sperm donor to help conceive after struggling with fertility issues and they didn’t know – and didn’t want to know – anything about the man except that he was healthy and Black. They admitted they had all but decided never to tell her.

“I think that dissonance of like, ‘Somebody is not telling me something about my body.’ made me feel like there was something in my body I had to fix,” she says of struggling for years with anxiety, self-esteem issues, and an eating disorder when she was young. She now feels those might have been symptoms of subconsciously sensing her parents’ secret.

“My parents were not thrilled about me writing this,” she notes, though the couple grew supportive throughout the process. But, says the star, “this really is a book about me. I now get to step into being the most important person in my life.” The experience ultimately added a new layer to Washington’s bond with her parents.

“I really started to have so much more love and compassion and understanding for my parents,” she says. “Taking this deep dive into our family history made me put myself in their shoes and think about the things that they’ve had to navigate and what they’ve been through and what they’ve sacrificed. And it really made me feel closer to them.”

“Writing a memoir is, by far, the most deeply personal project I have ever taken on,” Washington told People in January. “I hope that readers will receive it with open hearts and I pray that it offers new insights and perspectives, and invites people into deeper compassion — for themselves and others.”

Narcissism

Started reading a piece by Shane Bouel on Medium titled LINK>Objectification of Adoption via Narcissism, subtitled – A Deplorable Default Truth of Adoption. I thought about the many times I have read adoptees describe their adoptive parent (usually the adoptive mother) as a narcissist. I reflected that I wasn’t sure I had ever written about that in this blog. You will need to be a “member” to read the entire Medium piece, so I will excerpt a few thoughts from his writing, until I hit the paywall myself.

He writes – The world of adoption is often portrayed as a realm of selflessness and love, where individuals make the profound choice to provide a home and family for a child in need. While this perspective is undoubtedly valid, there is an uncomfortable truth that deserves consideration: Adoption inherently invites narcissism.

[1] The Desire for Validation – One aspect that links adoption and narcissism is the inherent desire for validation. Individuals who choose to adopt may find validation in being perceived as saviors or heroes who rescue a child from a less fortunate situation. This need for external validation can be a manifestation of narcissistic tendencies, where one’s self-worth is closely tied to the approval and admiration of others.

[2] Control and Ownership – Another element to consider is the sense of control and ownership that adoption can bring. The act of adopting a child can be perceived as an assertion of power and control over another person’s life. This desire for control aligns with narcissistic traits, as narcissists often seek to dominate and exert influence over those around them.

[3] Idealized Self-Image – Narcissists tend to have an idealized self-image, and adoption can serve as a means to further enhance this image. Adoptive parents may view themselves as exceptionally kind, generous, and selfless, reinforcing their own positive self-perception. The adoption narrative can be a platform for bolstering the idealized self-image of those involved.

[4] Manipulation of Empathy – Narcissists are known for their ability to manipulate and elicit empathy from others. In the context of adoption, this manipulation can take the form of presenting themselves as selfless and virtuous individuals who are solely focused on the well-being of the child. This calculated display of empathy can be a…

(and I hit the paywall – I’m not really ready to go back to paying at this time).

I found a LINK>to Shane on FB, where he says this about his piece on Medium – This article delves into the complex dynamics at play, highlighting how the desire to adopt can intertwine with narcissistic tendencies and exploring the potential consequences of this intersection.

The truth of adoption is an uncomfortable reality that cannot be ignored. While adoption is often depicted as a selfless act driven by love and compassion, the underlying complexities reveal a darker side. Behind the heartwarming narratives lie stories of loss, identity struggles, and the commodification of vulnerable lives. The default truth of adoption encompasses the harsh realities of a system that can perpetuate secrecy, discrimination, and emotional trauma.

Why? Because the foundation of adoption is rooted in trauma, as long as the baby scoop era and forced adoption existed, adoption will be tarred with the same brush. Supporting saviorism over family preservation! Is this true adoption advocacy? In truth, adoption should be abolished! It’s time to call out toxic advocacy.

Claiming Ignorance

Is your adopted child 20 years old? Because if they are not, then you have no damn excuse for not “knowing”. You screwed up, not anyone else that didn’t “tell you” about adoption trauma.

It’s disheartening and disgraceful to hear that so many adoptive parents still claim ignorance about the potential trauma and negative aspects of adoption for the child when they adopted. We need to acknowledge that this information has been available for well over a decade.

In fact, twenty years ago, the book “The Primal Wound” shed light on the emotional challenges faced by adoptees. It highlighted the deep-rooted impact of separation from birth parents and the lifelong journey of healing and identity formation. Since then, numerous studies, research papers, and personal narratives have further contributed to our understanding.

So what is your excuse?

You didn’t dig deep enough?

No one told you?

You assumed?

None of that matters, because when you are seeking to bring another human into your home and you are strangers and that human is losing their entire family, you should have KNOWN! I don’t care what year it was. It’s logical. That should have been an automatic red flag that “hey, this could be hard for this child, maybe I better research more”.

That’s what a selfish desire does, it suppresses the reality.

The ones that don’t own that need to rethink that stance. You screwed up. Before you take that personally and share how you are the exception, really think about it. Did you do the work before you adopted? Or did you just take the word of others because you wanted what you wanted.

The above are thoughts posted in my all things adoption group. Thinking about ignorance – I went looking and found this – LINK>What It Means to Claim Your Ignorance (there is much more at the link). A couple of excerpts . . .

Ignorance without a desire to do something about it is avoidance. We simply do not know everything, nor can we expect to. Maybe we never learned, or we were exposed to only one part of a larger ecosystem.

I am willing to claim my ignorance because it opens me to learning what I don’t know. I am willing to claim my ignorance because it helps me open my ears and my heart for deeper listening. It opens the door for those (adult adoptees) who have experience and expertise to share what they have to contribute.

Society’s Unseen Realities

For some time now, I’ve been slowly reading through The Tao of Physics by Fritjof Capra. I’ve always been fascinated by the science of physics, even though I may not totally understand a lot of it. I’ve almost finished Capra’s book and the big thing I took away from it is how interconnected EVERYTHING is.

So it was that I was attracted to a Medium piece – LINK>Exploring Quantum Connections in Adoption by Shane Bouel. You may or may not be able to read it. I will excerpt some parts in case.

Shane notes – “The state of one entangled particle instantly influences the other, similar to how the separation of a mother and child through adoption can have far-reaching emotional consequences.” The separation of a mother from her child leads to complex emotions and psychological challenges for both of them. Adoptees may experience conflicting emotions as they navigate their relationships with both their birth mother and adoptive family. Birth mothers, too, may grapple with complex emotions related to the decision or lack of, to place their child for adoption. He says that “Ultimately, the goal is to create a more empathetic and compassionate environment for adoptees and their birth families.” His goal is my goal in publishing this blog as well.

An intricate web of relationships connect individuals to their environment. Quantum mechanics finds that particles are interconnected and influence each other’s states – regardless of distance. The concept of attachment has a parallel in the idea of entanglement. Particles are intrinsically linked. Adoptees navigate the uncharted territory of identity and belonging. The separation experienced by adopted individuals parallels the entangled state of particles. The emotional journey of adoptees . . . is intertwined with societal perceptions, recognition, and acknowledgment.

Dr Sue Morter delivered the message at Agape last Sunday and photons were very much a part of how she described energy acting. Shane writes – “Quantum mechanics, traditionally applied to the microscopic realm, is gradually revealing its influence on macroscopic effects, including DNA interactions and biophoton communication within the body. This bridge between the quantum and the macroscopic echoes the connection between the unseen emotional trauma of adoption and its far-reaching implications on adoptees’ lives.” And in fact, in Capra’s book, he describes the understandings being applied on a large scale to the whole cosmos.

Shane emphasizes – “The historical instances of forced adoption and exploitation highlight the need for societal acknowledgment and reconciliation.” In conclusion, he says “. . . the emotional threads of adoption connect lives in ways we may not fully perceive.”

Shane’s writing seeks to lift standards of ethics and morality related to adoption by sharing the truth he perceives and has experienced.