Tag: Infant Trauma

Infertility and Reality

I read today where a woman wrote – In reality, unless you have gone through infertility, no one should value your opinion. You can not relate. Adoption is a beautiful thing. It gives many children loving homes, with two people who love them. It does not matter if your child is biologically yours or not. The love is the same.

This is, of course, the standard adoption industry narrative.

A woman shares that she saw this on a thread about infant trauma from maternal separation. She responded to this with “WHOA!! Did you just say that no one who hasn’t experienced infertility should have their opinion on adoption valued?

“So the mother who lost our children to a predatory industry – our opinion on the pain of that, even though it’s literally killing us, should not be valued. And children who lose their biological connections forever without their consent, and live forever with the pain of that loss, should not have their opinion valued.

“Only those who can’t have children should have a valuable opinion on whether they can continue to have access to other people’s children??”

An adoptee shares her lived experience –  I’d argue that actually, my infertile adopted mother did NOT love me the same. She grew a love for me, sure. She says she loves me, but I am telling you, it’s absolutely NOT the same as if they had just given my biological mother the chance to love and raise me with the proper supports in place. I was robbed of proper love from my mother because I was adopted.

A mother of loss (child surrendered to adoption) writes – yeah beautiful for the adoptive parents. Not necessarily for the child or the natural parents. But our opinion doesn’t matter. Another woman from that category says – So because someone hasn’t gone through a thing, they shouldn’t have an opinion on that thing. Hmmm.

Then this from an adoptee who HAS struggled with infertility for almost 15 years – This take always fills me with so much anger. I NEVER once considered stealing someone else’s child. Instead, I directed the love into working with children and it brought me so much happiness and joy – no destruction of a family necessary. And then after the long battle, I had my *own* son and I can tell you that I never felt the way I feel about my son about any of the other kids I cared for – regardless of how much I cared for them. I loved them deeply, but they weren’t *mine.*

She adds this about her son — we are each other’s genetic mirror, the bond happened while he was still in my belly, it’s been there intrinsically. Never artificial. His birth tested the bond between my adoptive mother and I, and let me tell you it became crystal clear just how *not* hers I am, once she saw the bond between my son and I.

It Happens

It is surprising how often this happens and it is never intended but . . .

First the question, then the answers –

So a couple adopts a child because they believe they will never be able to have a biological, genetic child. Then, surprise – the adoptive parents actually discover they have conceived. What effects do their having an adopted and then a biological child have on that first child who was adopted ? Question for adoptees, is there anything that your adoptive parents could have done to make it better for you ? Is there anything they did specifically that was harmful to you in relation to the new sibling ?

Responses –

[1] The short one – I have two brothers that are biological to my adoptive parents. This effects me everyday. I ask birth mom, why me ? I wonder what might have changed her so that she could have been a better mother to me ?

[2] The longer, more detailed perspective – Stop pretending biological and non-biological children are the same. Educate yourselves and take the burden off the child. I was adopted as an infant. My adoptive mother became pregnant 5 months after my adoption was finalized. My “sister” was always the much preferred, longed-for first choice. With her birth, I was superseded. I will admit that I was “a difficult child” (due to an un-recognized infant trauma. My “sister” was easy (with her natural parent/child connection). I grew up with a front row seat view of what a healthy, biological connection looks like. The way human evolution intended it to be.

What my adoptive parents did do right was treat us outwardly and monetarily the same. We both had the same opportunities and resources. What was chronically neglected were my unseen needs, which were instead passed off as troublesome personality traits. So, although my adoptive parents KNEW I had “problems,” they did nothing to address those. What I wish they had done is what they would have done if their biological daughter was chronically ill: move heaven and earth to help her and thoroughly educate themselves on her issues.

I wish they had understood the different needs of a non-biological child and not burden themselves with the expectation I would ‘heal’ simply through therapy, while they themselves did nothing. Instead I wish they would have proactively learned how to be effective, gentle, therapeutic caregivers to a child living with early grief and loss among genetic strangers. I wish they would have gone the extra mile for me that my “sister” did not need from them.