Answering Hard Questions

Today’s complicated situation (not my own) – I am currently expecting and due in December. My pregnancy was unplanned with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with, and I initially considered abortion but chose to pursue open adoption instead. The adoptive parents I selected are family—my sister-in-law’s sister—so my son would grow up with his cousins in the town I’m from and where some of my family still live. They’ve struggled with infertility, having faced four miscarriages and a stillborn, and they’re overjoyed about this baby.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the future and how I’ll respond when my son asks, “Why did you give me up?” My reasons feel rooted in fear and selfishness, and I’m not sure they’re good enough. I’m 27, with a stable job, savings, no drug issues, and not in any dire circumstances. I’ve just never wanted kids and fear the unknown challenges of single parenting.

I’ve been researching adoption’s impact on both the child and the birth mother and am realizing the deep grief, loss, and trauma involved. It’s making me reconsider my decision to place him for adoption. I fear making this decision will make him grow up feeling rejected by me, but also feeling like a second choice child to the hopeful adoptive parents because of their inability to have biological children.

The HAP are flying out in a few days, and they don’t know I’m having second thoughts. I’m terrified of hurting them. Should I tell them before they come, or wait to talk in person?

If I keep my son, I’ll be raising him as a single mom. Even then, he’ll face the pain of growing up without an involved father. The adoptive family offers a stable, loving two-parent home with the means to provide a private education and a secure future.

For those of you who are adoptees, my question is: Looking back, would you have preferred to stay with your biological mother, even if it meant a tougher life, or be with adoptive parents who could offer more stability and opportunities?

Any thoughts, personal experiences, or advice would mean the world to me. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever faced, and I want to do what’s best for my son, not just what’s easiest for me. I know both decisions are a hard path, so I’m not saying giving up my son for adoption is “easy”, but it’s the “easy” way out of responsibility and fear of the unknown, and it feels deeply selfish. There is a ton of fear surrounding open adoption too with not knowing if it will stay open, or if I’ll end up regretting my decision.

An adoptee reminds her – you don’t owe anyone your baby. Another adoptee admits – I had great adopted parents. Even so, it didn’t stop me from wondering why I was given away. I never felt whole, and still don’t 40 years later. Another adoptee shares – Tons of struggles with my identity, horrible abandonment and attachment issues. One says – And I definitely still have trauma. And another one – I love my adoptive parents, but the feelings of grief and abandonment are pervasive in my life.

A mother shares her own journey – I already had three kids when I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. I wanted an abortion but ultimately couldn’t go through with it. Then I regretted not going through with it for a looooong time. Like even once my baby was here. So then I contemplated doing adoption, but I’d cry about the trauma it would cause our whole family. Of what I was robbing my innocent baby of. Of the stories from adult adoptees. Of how he would always feel unloved and unwanted because he was the one that didn’t get to stay. And then once he was about 10 months, it just clicked for me. I was listening to a song about abortion in the car and was thinking “that’s what I should have done” and I looked at him in the camera and an immense wave of sadness hit me. And I realized just how perfectly my 4th child has fit into our lives. It was hard. It still is (life would certainly be easier without a one year old, especially as my older kids are in school). But I don’t have any regret anymore. And I remember someone a long time ago told me “you baby is just as adoptable at 6 months as a newborn, so give it time”. It helps get the hormones a little more under control, helps you adjust to life a bit, etc.

Support for Reproductive Rights

Tim Walz with wife and children

After Roe v. Wade was overturned, Tim Walz was the first governor to codify abortion access into a state constitution. In January 2023, Walz signed into law Minnesota legislation that includes no limitations on when a woman may end the life of her unborn baby. He has said, regarding reproductive freedom – “There’s a golden rule: Mind your own damn business!”

The Democratic governor’s kids, Hope and Gus, are now 23 and 17. He and his wife, Gwen, had been married for eight years, no children but they wanted children. Tim and Gwen Walz’s journey to parenthood was made possible through In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). We got Hope because of this type of stuff,” Walz said regarding assisted reproduction.

Walz had campaigned on popular Democratic policies and actually implemented them.

Nature vs Nurture

The debate comes up frequently in adoption related discussions. A comment made by an adoptee to an adoptive parent went something like this – It’s a nice concept to pretend they don’t have an entire family out there, one that helps avoid hard truths about nurture vs nature. It’s not as black and white as erasing an entire person’s identity and history. We do make exceptional feel-good clickbait, though.

(blogger’s note – with two adoptees as my parents, I grew up thinking they were orphans and didn’t have genetic biological families out there – I discovered how uninformed I had been, when I started uncovering the stories and sometimes descendants of my genetic biological grandparents.)

The adoptive parent pushed back – I’ve never pretended anything. Never hid from them that they were adopted. Gave them all the information they needed to contact their birth families when they were old enough.

The adoptee responded – you’re doing it here, sharing it as if it’s yours and perpetuating the concept of ownership. You’re apparently aware of at least some of the trauma in not having natural family connection, yet you sold it in your very public comment as though they have no other family but yours.

That’s a harmful and misleading Disney spin on what is actually a Grimm’s Fairytale. Kids can have the most wonderful parents and still suffer the trauma that automatically comes with adoption and you sell it like rainbows and fairytales on their behalf.

You may feel like they’re your kids, but I guarantee, at times, they feel “other”. And they will throughout life. That’s nothing you did – that’s adoption. This narrative is keeping the demand for resources at zero and the demand for buying babies at an all- time high.

Adoptive parent’s reply – I’m well aware of the trauma and complications involved in adoption. I’ve never pretended my life is a fairy tale. Our lives are hard. I’ve never hidden that from anyone. All my message was meant to convey was that me not having given birth still seems “less then” in our society. Judged for not having children. Saying that they’re all mine is not about ownership but about the Mother/Child relationship that is valid.

The adoptee notes – Adoption is supposed to be about the kids but it’s really about infertility and the adoptive mother.

The adoptive mother tries to clarify the situation from her point of view – I won’t hide the fact that I support adoption. Suffice it to say that if we didn’t adopt them, someone else would’ve or they would’ve spent their childhood in foster homes. It’s not about me. It is about people’s lack of respect for the non-traditional parent and people who don’t have children. Your story may be hard but you don’t represent all adoptees just as I don’t represent all adoptive parents.

The adoptee wasn’t finished by that – there it is, the entitlement underneath all of it. You would believe that every one of the relatives are an absolute failure and could not possibly have been helped to parent any of the children and thank God (and you of course) saved them. You support and encourage more ripping apart of families, kids placed in the system so long as people like you get to say they have at least one family, eventually. You do speak like most adoptive parents. I speak like most adoptees do in private, away from the fragile people we have to keep pretending with – the adoptive families who can’t handle the truth they made us handle as children and continue to make us handle.

Someone commented after the adoptee shared all that – This was a master class and I feel so sure she won’t learn.

The adoptee said that was true – She became condescending and went and got her 19 year old adopted son to tell her I was wrong and they’re all fine, which she then had to come back and tell me, just to underscore her belief that my perspective is a minority one.

Baby Name Mourning

I saw an interesting article this morning in The Huffington Post about LINK>Baby Name Mourning. It is not an unfamiliar issue with adoptees that the name their genetic biological parents wanted for them before they were born was rejected by the adoptive parents due to a preference for the name they wanted to give to their adopted child.

From the article – Deema Soufan, a psychotherapist who specializes in perinatal mental health, notes that “As we move through life, we discover meaning in experiences that have been important to us . . . Essentially what can end up happening is we can focus on this idea in our head of what we thought something would look like, what we thought something would represent. And if that idea is shattered or ruptures, a lot of grief can follow suit.”

Expectations and dreams, especially long-held ones, trend to bring up big feelings. The article notes that there are a variety of reasons why people can’t use a particular name that they love. Maybe they are unable to have a child or choose not to do so. The pregnant person may feel ‘silly’ for sharing that they are grieving that their journey to parenthood has become challenging. It can feel like a massive loss of control as well.

She notes a variety of reasons for sadness – “The grief of not listening to your internal guidance, the grief of not advocating for your needs and desires, the grief of people-pleasing, and the grief of ultimately not using the name you love can send parents into a spiral of deep, dark name regret.”

“The advice that I have for anyone who is coping with baby [name] mourning is to approach your stance with curiosity and without judgment,” Soufan said. “I implore you to dig deep and explore what is at the root of this distress for you. Normalize your grief and accept it! Two things can exist at once.” You can feel like you are “completely out of control, especially when one of the first parenting decisions that you get to make feels like it was taken away from you.” She recommended sitting with your thoughts and examining what is reality. “The more that we can develop compassion and curiosity for our feelings, the more that we can accept and move through them.” And this would be common among mothers who surrender their child to adoption.

“We imagine ourselves parenting and nurturing this little spirit, helping them navigate life’s inevitable twists and turns. When we rub up against the reality . . . it only feels right to grieve the loss of these people that we’ll never get to know in the flesh,“ Taylor Humphrey, the baby name consultant who coined the term: baby name mourning.

A Safe Place To Grow

Kristi, Ekko and Heidi

This is the second story that I’ve become aware of where a grandmother gestated her own grandchild for her daughter. In general, I am against surrogacy because I believe that mother child separations cause harm to the young infant. However, in the case of a grandmother who intends to remain involved in her grandchild’s life, doing this for her daughter who has dealt with the challenges of infertility and miscarriage – it is an entirely different situation that makes such a surrogacy acceptable.

My grandson was born before my oldest son. My sense of genetic biological connection to him was unmistakable. No, I wasn’t a surrogate for his gestation. However, a mother and daughter are so much alike in many cases that such a situation is not damaging to the child who is gestated in that manner. At least, this is my own perspective on it. My own sons are conceived – both – with the help of the same egg donor and as my OB impressed upon me during their gestation, it does make a difference that they grew in my womb. They also both nursed at my breast for about one year. And I’ve been present as the only “mom” they have known 24/7 for their entire lives (one is almost 20 and the other one is 23). Their love towards me and appreciation for me seems authentic so far and it is my hope that will always be the case with them and their affections.

The Guardian’s story LINK>”I gave birth to my granddaughter” published on June 21 2024 and written by the gestational grandmother, Kristi Schmidt, is the newest such story to come to my own attention. I was already 50 years old when I gave birth to my youngest son. Kristi was 52 when she agreed to gestate her daughter Heidi’s baby. The daughter had been pregnant with twins after 4 years of attempts to conceive through fertility treatments. However, at 10 weeks Heidi lost one of the babies, and at 24 weeks she lost the other twin. Watching Heidi’s grief was awful for Kristi.

“Please let me speak to your doctor about being your surrogate,” Kristi said to Heidi. “What safer place for your baby than their grandmother’s womb?” When asked as the pregnancy became more obvious – she’d say – “I had nothing to do with conceiving this child, I’m just a safe place for it to grow.” Having her granddaughter in her arms was amazing – but she felt like a proud grandmother, not a mom. Two years later, when her granddaughter calls her Gigi and runs into her arms, it’s always the same happy experience.

If this happy story appeals to you, you can read it entirely at The Guardian link above.

Mother’s Day for Foster Moms

Definitely open to a wide interpretation, if you know anything about foster care.

Certainly, the Mother’s Day recognition coming this Sunday is on a lot of people’s minds. I was reminded of this today, as I read (not my own experience) –

My foster kids have been with me for three years. We are planning to adopt them but they don’t call me mom at all and never brought me a gift for Mother’s day. They call their birth mom their mom and keep making her gifts for Mother’s Day to give her and they’ve haven’t seen her for two years. I would have thought by now the kids would get the message she doesn’t care about them. I’m hurt because the one thing I would like, is be called mom, and I want to feel appreciated. I do not have any biological kids and my heart longed to be a mother after suffering infertility. It hurts me to hear the kids call their birth mom their mommy but me they call by my first name. I do everything a real mommy does but I don’t get the title as mommy or the recognition. I fear I will wake up on mothers day again empty handed and heartbroken. I’ve been told it is better to get children as young as possible. The older they are, the harder it is to break the attachment. I feel terrible that I’m jealous but it hurts that I’m taking care of these kids and they don’t even see me as a mom.

Then honesty in a reply, the more posts I see from other foster parents, the more I’m convinced many of us shouldn’t be foster parents and are unprepared to deal with trauma. The kids we foster have a mom already. We’re not their mom. We will never replace their mom. Support the kids getting their mom a gift for Mother’s Day and support them not calling you mommy. It’s about the kids – not us. In fact, foster parents should never encourage foster kids or expect them to call them mom and dad.

Adoptive Parent Perspective

A birth mother posted a photo, 17 years later, upon reunion with the daughter she gave up for adoption. The birth mother wrote – “Every year on her birthday, every Mother’s Day, every holiday, every moment that passed, I felt her absence.”

In response, an adoptive mother wrote – Speaking from the other side of the equation, it IS heartbreaking to know that after a lifetime of love and effort in raising your child, that ultimately you’re never going to be enough for them. You’ll ultimately be forced to share what it usually means to be a parent.

I full understand the point of view of the adopted child. Trust me when I say, there is a lifetime of pain for everyone involved. The biological mother suffers a lifetime of separation and uncertainty. The adopted child suffers from not knowing the particulars about their own biology.

And then there is a double dose of suffering for the adoptive parents. To begin with, usually one of the adoptive parents are unable to have biological children, so the adoptive parents are forced to mourn the loss of the children they will never have.

Next comes the search for a child in need, then, there is the huge financial burden. No matter what avenue you choose, it ends up costing tens of thousands of dollars in paperwork and other fees. Then the adoptive parents are forced to go through almost 2 years of background checks and in home assessments. Again I full understand how necessary these steps are. That being said, it is still a LOT of stress and costs that biological parents don’t have to incur and deal with.

Adoption is difficult for everyone involved, and honestly, if asked if I would go through the adoption process again ? My choices may not be the same. This is something that people, particularly adoptive parents, usually refuse to share publicly.

Why It Is Worth It

Today’s story is close to home and much like family but it is NOT my story.

I’m in the process of being re-adopted by my real mom. I met with my attorney today and learned some additional details about the process that I didn’t previously know. Had I known, I would have done this years ago. The laws vary by state but I wanted to share what I’ve learned in case it helps anyone else. It’s also something Hopeful/Adoptive Parents should know is possible and to behave accordingly.

For context, I’m a 36 year old domestic infant adoptee. Born and originally adopted in New York, I now live in Missouri, and my real mom now lives in Tennessee. The adoption is happening in Missouri. I was reunited at 17. My adoptive father made mistakes but took accountability for them. I loved him. He passed away recently. My female adopter is likely a narcissist but she doesn’t see it that way. She adopted because she was infertile. My 15 year old mother was coerced by the adoption industry. Several years ago, my female adopter actually told me that she understands that adoption caused pain and trauma for my mother and I but she feels it was worth it because it allowed her to be a mother. All of her actions indicate that my adoption was about her, her desires, and ownership of a child being “hers”.

In my state, only the person adopting me (my actual mother) and I need to consent to the adoption. No one else can prevent this from happening. My female adopter won’t be notified at all unless I personally decide to tell her. My adoptive father can remain my legal father. I can change my name as part of the process and my children’s birth certificates can be updated to reflect this. I didn’t know this or I would have changed my name years ago. The entire process is going to cost under $2,000 for everything because adoption is cheap when you’re not purchasing the adoptee. My current female adopter will become a legal stranger. The same process that made her my legal mother will now un-make her my mother. She will no longer be a mother or grandmother to anyone except in her own deluded mind. It’s doesn’t matter what she thought adopting me would mean. It’s doesn’t matter what the agency told her about what I’d grow up to feel. I refuse to participate. Adoption didn’t win. I don’t need her consent to purchase my freedom.

It Could Happen To You

When I imagine my dad’s genetic biological mother, I think of her having an actual relationship with the man who, it is certain now, was his father. She did have a head shot photo of him and wrote his name and the word “boyfriend” on the back. She placed the image in her photo album next to a photo of her holding my dad. That actually did eventually reveal for me who my dad’s genetic biological father was. My DNA and his geographical proximity at the time proved it and none of his other genetic biological relatives were in the area. It does not appear that my Danish immigrant grandfather ever knew he was a father. Self-reliant woman that she was, she simply handled it by going to a Salvation Army home for unwed mothers in Ocean Beach California. Some month later, the Salvation Army hired her and transported my grandmother and baby dad to El Paso Texas. I don’t think she really wanted to give him up for adoption but I think she was strongly coerced just to do it. He was already 8 months old when his first adoption was finalized (he actually was adopted a second time and his name changed again, after his adoptive mother divorced the abusive alcoholic husband and remarried, a marriage that lasted until she died).

This morning, I have read two stories about one night stands that actually resulted in pregnancies. That got me to wondering . . . , other than my grandmother’s clear feelings that my dad’s married father was her “boyfriend”, I really can’t know all the details. Be careful out there having casual sex because it could happen to you if you are not careful.

One from LINK>Quora – I had a one night stand and she’s pregnant and wants to keep the baby. I have no desire to be with this woman. Does this mean I’ll have to pay child support?

The answer from a Relationship Counsellor – Yes, you are responsible for that child if it is yours. A paternity test is certainly highly recommended. You are under no obligation at all to enter into a relationship with the mother (actually, that would be a spectacularly bad idea!!) but you do have an obligation towards the human you created, who had no say in the matter.

You can draw the line at providing financial support only, but do think carefully about whether this is the kind of person you want to be. What will future partners think of you if you explain that you have a child that you pay child support for, but that you don’t have anything to do with because you don’t want it? If you have kids later in life what will they think of you when they find out they have a half sibling that their dad just abandoned? More importantly – What will you think of yourself? I understand that it is a horrible situation to find yourself in, but try to accept the reality of it as soon as possible and decide what kind of a man you want to be – then live like that man.

Going for mediation with the mother is a very good way to figure out a way forward, and how to co-parent, in a way that both of you can live with. Becoming a dad may not have been on your to-do list for the immediate future, but it doesn’t have to turn out badly. The one way to ensure you achieve the best outcome from this is to make sure that you have the most amicable relationship possible with the mother – this should actually be easier for you than for most divorced couples who have a lot of hurt and baggage.

If the mother is keeping the baby simply because she is against abortion, and not because she really wants to have a child or is in a position to raise one, try to talk to her about adoption. This would certainly be in the best interests of the child, and could give that child a loving home with parents whose biggest dream would be fulfilled by the child’s existence, instead of their worst nightmare. (blogger’s note – that advice is where I part company with this relationship counselor’s advice but it would be very common to receive that advice.)

If you don’t want to have children, please consider going for a vasectomy. This is the only option men have for taking control of whether they become dads or not, aside from never having vaginal intercourse. If you might want to have kids later, make sure to always use a condom, and talk to your sexual partners about their views on abortion and what they would expect should your liaison result in pregnancy. Too often men just leave it all up to the woman, assume that she is on birth control, assume that she will have an abortion if she falls pregnant, then they are horrified when they realize that they missed their ONE AND ONLY opportunity to influence whether they become parents through simple carelessness.

I do wish you the best of luck going forward. Sometimes a stupid mistake costs far more than it should, but such is life – I hope you can make the best of it.

I read another similar story in LINK>Slate – I Just Told My One-Night Stand I’m Pregnant. Then I Heard From His Wife. Apparently, I’m “baby-trapping.” (blogger’s note – I had never heard this term “baby-trapping” before.) A few months ago, I matched with a man on Tinder, “John,” who was in town on a work trip for a few days. We met for drinks, ended up sleeping together (with protection), and agreed that this wasn’t more than a one-time hookup. However, the condom must have failed because I very unexpectedly discovered I was pregnant.

She had several heartbreaking miscarriages and failed rounds of IVF and those experiences pushed her marriage to the breaking point and divorce. She was already at 14 weeks, twice as far as I had gotten when I’d miscarried in the past, and that the fetus was healthy. So, she is not unhappy this has finally happened for her. She writes – I decided to keep the baby. I have a house in an area with great schools, make more than enough to support a child, and will receive generous maternity leave. I already love my baby so much, and still can’t believe that this actually is happening.

Because she believed the man deserved to know, she tried to inform him but got an angry response from his wife. So, she replied to the wife – I truly did not know he was married and have no interest in keeping in touch after what was supposed to be a night of casual sex. I told her that this was a complete surprise to me, but that she needed to talk to her husband because he had gotten me pregnant, and while I was fine with him not being in the picture, he deserved to know. Her only response was to curse me out, accuse me of baby-trapping, and say that she wouldn’t be spending her money on my “bastard.” When I showed this conversation thread to my friends, they advised me to stop there and keep my baby away “from a cheater and a victim-blamer.”

Get Any 5 In A Row

How about the far right vertical column ? Love is not enough. Some adoptees would have preferred to have been aborted. Many are accused of being bitter if they speak out about adoption according to their own lived reality. My genetic biological grandmothers were not really all that young but were probably considered by some to be too young (or is it only that they lacked adequate support and financial means ?). Most adoptive parents including my own adoptive grandmothers would probably have agreed with the last one.

Maybe the far left vertical column suits your perspectives. Certainly many babies do start life in an orphanage (in fact, leaving my mom for temporary care at Porter Leath in Memphis was my grandmother’s well intentioned but tragic choice). Babies also turn up in dumpsters – sadly. The all things adoption group that I am part of is often accused of being “mean and negative”. When an adoptee wants to know more about their origins they are often accused of not being grateful or not loving their adoptive parents enough to just accept their lot in life. Some who have experienced the pain of infertility look at those who conceive easily and think it is unfair. And of course, the perennial question about the lack of alternatives to adoption.

In fact many of these bingo “scores” I’ve encountered many times as I have sought to educate my own self about the realities of the commercial adoption industry that makes LOTS of money for those promoting the taking of children from one family and depositing them with another.