Deconstructing The Fantasy

Today’s question from an adoptee – How do you guys start reframing your minds and deconstructing the lies and fantasy you were told ?

I’m 27. I was lied to – until I was 13 and then, told I was adopted and to not let my adoptive mother know, I knew. I hid it, was able to find my siblings and develop a relationship with them, and then, my adoptive mom found out and forbid me from speaking to them, till I was out of her house.

It was the usual spiel. “we CHOSE You.” We took you in, when your own family didn’t want you. You’re special because we picked you. Your parents didn’t want you. Your biological family chose drugs over you. They never wanted you, but they wanted your siblings. We cared for you and took you in and loved you, and you need to be grateful about that because you could have ended up somewhere so much worse. You owe us your gratitude.

Y’know. The usual drama.

Now at 27, my adoptive father, whom I loved dearly passed. I’m no contact with my adoptive mother now for nearly 6 years. My biological mom and I have a relationship but there is nothing maternal to it. And my biological dad passed away 2 years ago from cancer.

I’m trying to deconstruct my thoughts. For the longest time I was proud of being chosen. Proud of being wanted. But then, it became manipulative with abuse tactics and the usual nonsense, when you’re raised by a narcissist. And I realized, I was nothing more than a trophy to show off how good of a person she was. Anything off about me was squashed and medicated, so I appeared functional and perfect for her little charade. I was frequently threatened with medication changes, or to be sent back to foster care. Looking back, I’m realizing how much the things drilled into me, traumatized me. How much I struggled with feeling secure. How I never felt like I belonged. I struggled with all the questions about why I wasn’t wanted, why they wanted my sisters, why I wasn’t good enough.

I’ve done therapy. I’ve tried to process it but finding a good therapist that understands adoption trauma is hard. I’m tired of slipping up. Calling her my birth mom, not calling the other one my adoptive mom. I truly view her as nothing more than someone who attempted to raise me, but failed horrifically. She isn’t “mom”. I call her by her first name. But it’s so hard and confusing in conversations to not slip up or have to explain and answer the questions that follow.

How did you deconstruct your adoption and how do you handle using the terms that make you comfortable, when it causes confusion for others.

Another adoptee replied – I think that deconstructing anything is a life long process. Much like trauma. There will always be times when we get hit with those feelings and responses. We can just keep plugging away at the work. When those things pop up I write. Pretty much just word vomit onto the page. It keeps the thoughts from having too much power. But I rarely worry how others view the language I use to describe my experiences. I have a terrible first mother, I have a negative nickname for her that I use everywhere but this group. I don’t need other people to understand it, but just respect it. It is all so hard and you are not alone.

Another woman who has been through the mill (I won’t go into all the ways because that isn’t necessary in this context but good to know where her feelings and perspective come from), says – collect the things you were told by your adoptive parent. And next to each, write what is the truth. And regarding her biological mom – don’t chase Love that was never given to you. Keep a superficial relationship and be thankful for what you’ve got. Some adoptees don’t have a biological mother that loved them or wanted them. Cherish the small wins. You did not receive unconditional love owed it to you by not one but two women. Now you need to be a parent to your inner child and keep repeating to yourself: “You are beautiful, you are sweet, I love you so much, You are my whole world.” All of the words your mothers should have said to you. You need to become a mother to your inner child. At the same time, heal from narcissistic abuse and from having a distant biological mother.

One adoptee shares – I was told that God gave me to them. That my birth mom was on drugs and knew she couldn’t be a mom, so she wanted me to have a better life. I was abused. I met my birth mom and there was family on my dad’s side who wanted me. I’m 38. It took a long time to make peace with all of it. Just accepting that everyone involved was messed up in the head. I can only do better for my own children and stop the generational curses on both sides. I know your pain, honestly having my own children and changing the script, is what has helped me the most.

An adoptive mother admits – I am deconditioning (perhaps, that is different than deconstructing) from everything I was fed, took on, believed about adoption. I tried therapy and still partake as needed, yet this is not what I’m talking about. Rather truly getting to the energetics of loss. The real transformation within me is inner child work and neuroplasticity brain retraining. This healing is an inside job. I spent a lot of time on this path and am finally seeing and miraculously feeling some results. They are not dependent on what anyone else thinks or feels about me. (Although positive relationships expedite the process.) It is definitely improving my relationship with my son. I’m less of a head case.

Another adoptee writes – It’s a work in progress. We have similar stories. I was told endless lies by my adoptive parents. I also experienced abuse and emotional neglect. The biggest issue which led to estrangement was that they did not tell me I had a brother, who they also tried to adopt. Once I met him and was getting to know him, the reality of what they concealed from me truly hit me and I cut them off. I cannot cope with them in my life, knowing they stole the opportunity for me and my brother to be in each other’s lives during childhood. These adoptive parents who enforce sibling separation, and even lie about existence of siblings, are the most evil of evil. I have a support system – my husband and in laws. I am doing what I can to build a relationship with my brother now and trying not to let the fact that we lost so much time consume me. Therapy. I’m looking at a career change. I would like to help other adoptees cope with similar issues. I feel better with my adoptive parents out of my life, they were toxic and unapologetic and I was in denial. I lost my adoptive sister due to their actions as well (she is estranged from all of us). They caused nothing but pain for me and I finally said enough is enough. All I can do is hope I’m capable of building relationships in the future and that they haven’t destroyed my ability to do so and continue to work on that. Personal growth and no backsliding, not letting myself wallow in pain.

An adoptee shared – I finally found a therapist that’s not only adoption trained, but an adoptee herself. The difference is amazing – previous therapists just had no understanding. So make it your mission to find that. Not easy, but worth it.

A Lot Of Anger

Today’s story – She is 13 years old. She has reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and takes it out on the whole family. She is my cousin’s child, so also my cousin. She is placed here along with her 2 other sisters. She is triggered by her younger sister’s happiness in being here and how we are one big happy family but she doesn’t feel a part of that.

An interesting suggestion was this one – Therapeutic Boxing. This is a style of depth psychotherapy using boxing skills to bring subconscious and unconscious material to the conscious mind, an unconventional style of mindfulness to look beneath the surface of behaviors. Also contact sports to help channel the anger into a positive. Some recommendations included kickboxing and Krav Maga (an Israeli martial art developed for the defense forces, it is derived from a combination of techniques used in aikido, judo, karate, boxing, savate and wrestling. It is known for its focus on real-world situations and its extreme efficiency) and rugby.

With adoptees – it is a given to seek out an adoption trauma informed therapist. Managing how an adoptee navigates trauma is a life-long road with peaks and valleys. Another type – Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) – a type of talk therapy for people who experience emotions very intensely. Evidence suggests that DBT can be useful in treating mood disorders and suicidal ideation, as well as for changing behavioral patterns such as self-harm and substance use. There is also Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – a structured, goal-oriented type of talk therapy. There are also rage rooms, also known as smash rooms or anger rooms, where people can vent their rage by destroying objects. Results according to experts appear mixed. One suggested that her oldest (age 10) loves to break large blocks of ice. There’s a lot of sensory input with that activity and it works wonders! One had a high school art teacher that always had old clay projects she could smash into the dumpster. She found that a very satisfying and helpful release. Another suggests group therapy because having other people who can relate makes some feel less alone with their situation. There are so many forms, yet another is Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP). Some target difficulties in attachment and some difficulties in intersubjectivity, finding it hard to give and take in relationships.

There are activities one can apply to develop coping skills and emotional regulation skills. Some examples include – Relaxation techniques: deep breathing, meditation, progressive muscle technique. Also taking a quiet bath in the dark, being alone but intentional about where and how one spends that time, eliminating all other distractions. Exercise; dancing, talking a walk, lifting weights. Talking with someone you trust. Engaging in art; drawing, coloring, painting, photography, playing a musical instrument. Journal, then later burn it into ashes. Also, scream into a pillow.

For the time being validate her anger. Acknowledge that you couldn’t even imagine what she is going through and apologize to her. Tell her that she’s welcome to be a part of that family bond, whenever she’s ready, and to take her time. And tell her until then, you can be a friend – if she let’s you. Some adoptees find only adulthood brings the freedom they need to cease being so angry.

Pregnancy Is Triggering

I have often seen adoptees mention how becoming pregnant or becoming a mother had surprising effects on their emotions and experiences. Here’s one story for today –

I’m 28 weeks pregnant and just need some support, anything you have to say will help. When I think about explaining the different ways families are created I get pretty upset inside. Introducing adoption and what that entails seems like a huge battle and I’m not understanding why, I grew up knowing I was adopted before I even knew what adoption meant. Is it possible I have a fear of passing on adoption trauma to my child ? Also my adoptive dad called me and explained he just hadn’t thought about me being adopted and what it must feel like to be going through this pregnancy, now at 28 weeks. As much as I value the validation, it almost felt like a blow, like “oh thanks, glad you are able to forget about it, while I sit here and it seems to be ruling my train of thoughts lately.” Then there is my adoptive mom, and well, she’s just too old to have any good conversation about it, but she’s been very defensive lately anytime adoption comes up. I’ll tell ya, I knew pregnancy would bring a lot to the surface, but I did not expect to not be able to articulate my thoughts and feelings. Even when I’m writing In my journal, I feel blank, and tired. Definitely not handling it in the most positive way, most of the time, and I’m finding my self stuffing down my feelings. Almost reverting back to ?

One comment – One thing i hear a lot of people say as they are doing the “normal” selfless mom thing, taking care of baby and all that (good nutrition, getting stable, etc), is that they are feeling so hurt, that they could do this for their kid but their moms didn’t “get it together” for them, when they were babies. Experiencing triggers around one’s own pregnancy is super common.

Another one shares – One night when my son was about 2 3 weeks old, he was inconsolable. I looked down at his face and realized when I was his age, I was crying in a crib, alone. That realization was devastating.

And this – I hear you and feel your stress. Breathe deeply and try to relax. Sure you are thinking about what adoption meant to your life and how it affected so many things, many more than you ever realized because now you have a small, vulnerable and completely dependent on you human being growing inside you. At various points of the day, you will try to forget all of this, but then you will be reminded by your work-in-progress with a kick or rollover… and guess what: all of the emotions will become even stronger as you get closer to due date. The worries and so much more. Be kind to you and let yourself cry, if you need to — once you meet your baby, this stuff will stay just below the surface (most likely) but you will also have a biological person who needs you and adores you and you won’t understand how anyone could ever willingly give such a precious beauty away to someone else to keep. Don’t stuff down your feelings – don’t be too hard on yourself (your hormones are doing enough of that crap – you don’t need to assist them!).

More – Being pregnant and having my daughter brought up a lot of feelings like this too. Finally understanding how messed up and abusive my family was, especially my mom. Realizing that I couldn’t imagine treating my daughter the way I was treated. Everything felt so fresh and raw, and I was experiencing triggers left and right, having breakdowns all the time. Therapy and meds helped a lot, but I know those things aren’t accessible and/or helpful for everyone. I might suggest doing some kind of mindfulness exercises, when you find yourself sinking into those feelings, affirmations about the choices you’re making and how they’re different from the things you experienced. Other than that, I don’t really have advice, just solidarity. Everybody talks about how having a child makes them appreciate their own parents so much more, but nobody ever tells you how it can bring your childhood trauma to the surface. I’m sorry you’re part of that second group. I’m sure you will be a wonderful mama.

Another from experience – My pregnancies undid all my pro-adoption programming. I thought a lot about the importance of genes, bonding, familial traits, and family lineages. Pregnancy is an emotional time, even more so with the additional layers of adoption. Take care of yourself and give yourself permission to process your feelings.

Clearly, though every person is different and every adoptee has had different kinds of experiences, the stories are many and on some level rather universal. HUGS if you are an adoptee and pregnant or have recently given birth.