Jealousy After Abandonment

Today’s story – I was abandoned by my birth mother at 8 weeks old and my birth father gave up his rights before I was born. I was left in a house for a week long while my birth mother went on a drug binder. Her roommate is the one that called the police and my grandma. My grandparents become my legal guardians with in the week. At 5 years old I was legally adopted by my grandparents. I do call them mom and dad and those are the terms I will be using here since they are all I know! My mom has 3 children from a previous marriage (my biological mother being one of them) and my dad has 3 children as well. I do have 3 half brothers and 1 I am super close with (we share the same biological mother) and my mom and dad also adopted him when he was 16 years old. I will not be sharing his story, just noting that there was a lot of abuse!

Growing up I never really fit in with my siblings (actually my aunts & uncles), other than my biological brother. They never wanted my parents to adopt me. My dad’s daughter literally cut him out of her life because of it. Both of my mom’s daughters never failed to make me feel out of place. Constantly reminding me that I was “adopted” and therefore, not “blood”. Which technically I am… One of my mother’s daughters would always bring it up, whenever my mom and her got in an argument, even if it was not about me. Mind you, there is over a 20 year difference between that daughter and myself. By the time I was born, she was married with 2 kids. Any time my parents did anything for me, it was “you treat her better than me and I’m your blood daughter”, even if they actually did the same things for her. Anytime I would be hospitalized and my parents would stay at the hospital with me, it would turn into “you spend all your time with her and she’s not even your real daughter”.

Then, she does admit – I had a lot of behavioral issues growing up due to my adoption trauma, so anytime I would have “out bursts” and she was around, she would yell at my mom “are you really gonna let her treat you this way, She’s not even your real daughter. You need to put her in her place”. Comments like that. Her own dad was a “dead beat” dad. So any time my dad would be a dad, she would get pissed. Even though my dad always treated her with respect and never tried to be her dad but he’s all I know. Plus both my mom and dad do so much for her. If she comes for a visit and I’m not there, she wants to know why I’m not helping. My parents are older and have health issues and so, I do my best to take care of them because I only live 10 minutes away.

My mom recently had major back surgery. I went to the hospital and then, cooked for 2 weeks straight – so my dad could focus on my mom and they both could eat good. Well she ended up coming down and my mom asked her to make dinner. She said “ I don’t know how to cook” even though she was a cook for 10 years at a restaurant…. She did end up cooking dinner and I went over there to eat with them. At the dinner table, she made the statement “I don’t cook as much as she does, so it probably won’t be good”… but it was good and everyone said that. It was nice to have someone cook for me as well but she complained that I didn’t help.

The happy news – I got married on October 3rd and so, she will no longer be in my life because I’m tired of putting up with her trying to make me feel small and saying that I do not belong. That is because there were conflicts on the day of her marriage that she was directly responsible for and issues related to her birth mother who is in jail but knows information about her and her brother that appear to have come from this sister/aunt, even though she knows about the abuse and trauma that both of them have endured. Anyway, she says that she is really hurt, heartbroken in fact, and can’t help but think it hurts even more because she is adopted. She notes – That I never felt “at home” or whatever but I always tried to be nice, respectful, and loving and even when I felt like she thought I was not deserving of love.

Another adoptee shares – I’m so sorry! Yes in my experience it has been other family members making adoption feel less than. I feel like I don’t have a family unless I am impervious to being offended and a major people pleaser.

Answering Hard Questions

Today’s complicated situation (not my own) – I am currently expecting and due in December. My pregnancy was unplanned with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with, and I initially considered abortion but chose to pursue open adoption instead. The adoptive parents I selected are family—my sister-in-law’s sister—so my son would grow up with his cousins in the town I’m from and where some of my family still live. They’ve struggled with infertility, having faced four miscarriages and a stillborn, and they’re overjoyed about this baby.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the future and how I’ll respond when my son asks, “Why did you give me up?” My reasons feel rooted in fear and selfishness, and I’m not sure they’re good enough. I’m 27, with a stable job, savings, no drug issues, and not in any dire circumstances. I’ve just never wanted kids and fear the unknown challenges of single parenting.

I’ve been researching adoption’s impact on both the child and the birth mother and am realizing the deep grief, loss, and trauma involved. It’s making me reconsider my decision to place him for adoption. I fear making this decision will make him grow up feeling rejected by me, but also feeling like a second choice child to the hopeful adoptive parents because of their inability to have biological children.

The HAP are flying out in a few days, and they don’t know I’m having second thoughts. I’m terrified of hurting them. Should I tell them before they come, or wait to talk in person?

If I keep my son, I’ll be raising him as a single mom. Even then, he’ll face the pain of growing up without an involved father. The adoptive family offers a stable, loving two-parent home with the means to provide a private education and a secure future.

For those of you who are adoptees, my question is: Looking back, would you have preferred to stay with your biological mother, even if it meant a tougher life, or be with adoptive parents who could offer more stability and opportunities?

Any thoughts, personal experiences, or advice would mean the world to me. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever faced, and I want to do what’s best for my son, not just what’s easiest for me. I know both decisions are a hard path, so I’m not saying giving up my son for adoption is “easy”, but it’s the “easy” way out of responsibility and fear of the unknown, and it feels deeply selfish. There is a ton of fear surrounding open adoption too with not knowing if it will stay open, or if I’ll end up regretting my decision.

An adoptee reminds her – you don’t owe anyone your baby. Another adoptee admits – I had great adopted parents. Even so, it didn’t stop me from wondering why I was given away. I never felt whole, and still don’t 40 years later. Another adoptee shares – Tons of struggles with my identity, horrible abandonment and attachment issues. One says – And I definitely still have trauma. And another one – I love my adoptive parents, but the feelings of grief and abandonment are pervasive in my life.

A mother shares her own journey – I already had three kids when I ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. I wanted an abortion but ultimately couldn’t go through with it. Then I regretted not going through with it for a looooong time. Like even once my baby was here. So then I contemplated doing adoption, but I’d cry about the trauma it would cause our whole family. Of what I was robbing my innocent baby of. Of the stories from adult adoptees. Of how he would always feel unloved and unwanted because he was the one that didn’t get to stay. And then once he was about 10 months, it just clicked for me. I was listening to a song about abortion in the car and was thinking “that’s what I should have done” and I looked at him in the camera and an immense wave of sadness hit me. And I realized just how perfectly my 4th child has fit into our lives. It was hard. It still is (life would certainly be easier without a one year old, especially as my older kids are in school). But I don’t have any regret anymore. And I remember someone a long time ago told me “you baby is just as adoptable at 6 months as a newborn, so give it time”. It helps get the hormones a little more under control, helps you adjust to life a bit, etc.

Keeping It Valid

A birth certificate question and an realistic answers –

I was adopted by my grandmother when I was a kid and have an amended birth certificate with her name on it AND I have my original birth certificate with both of my parents names on it. The most recent one is the one with just my grandmother’s name on it, but it also has my place of birth incorrect. I’d rather use my birth parents names for personal reasons but I worry if it will be valid or not. I am having to fill out some paperwork and they need to know my parents names and need to see my birth certificate. Does anyone know if it’s okay to use my original birth certificate, or do I have to use my most recent one with my grandmother’s name ?

Answers from adoptees – The old one is no longer valid. And listing your actual birthplace from your Original Birth Certificate can cause hiccups with security questions, passports etc. Another adoptee noted – I think they want you to use the amended birth certificate you got when your grandmother adopted you. That is what I would use for something like social security card even though its a lie. The bottom line from another one – Your original birth certificate is no longer valid for identification purposes. That said, the specific thing you’re needing to provide information for matters. This is my hill to die on, and from my experience you can push back on this is many situations.

The more detailed longer answer from an adoptee – What you have is your Original Birth Certificate (OBC) with your genuine parents’ names and all of the actual information of your true birth recorded. And then you have the Amended Birth Certificate which now supersedes the OBC and is the only legal document (although includes untruths from your real birth information) because your grandmother adopted you in a court of family law and the government (federal and state) has jurisdiction over the deception that your grandmother somehow became your mother and her daughter’s relationship with you has been severed. That said, when people ask me my parents names (and their parents names) I do use my actual parents with their actual names – not the government sanctioned lies. So, it depends for us adopted people (whether kinship adopted or via strangers) what you are using this information to do for YOU.

Setting The Record Straight

Simone Biles with Ronald and Nellie Biles

There is not a doubt that the support of grandparents is important in every child’s life. The Olympics have brought a renewed emphasis on the story of Simone Biles and how much her grandparents, who adopted her and a sister, have made her life possible when her parents just had challenges that prevented them from being good parents. I wrote about her quite a few years ago here.

Someone who’s perspective I appreciate shared what are for her key points in this story and so, I will share that here today.

1. The entire story focuses on adoption and adoptive parents and never adoptees. Athletes and celebrities have good PR teams around them to create a narrative about them. During the Olympics, this is when you hear the hardships stories because it allows people to create a connection which equals more money. These kinds of hardships stories are seen on talent shows too.

2. Simone was adopted by her grandparents. She has access to her roots, story, DNA. Kinship adoption is different than stranger adoption. The saddest part is the older children were separated from their younger siblings. The grandparents adopted the younger two which is Simone and her sister who were toddlers at the time, the older two were teens.

3. In 2016, an article said her grandmother, who became her adoptive mom, told the kids they can call her mom and be a real family. Simone stated ever since that day she called her grandparents “mom and dad”. How many adoptive and foster parents try to force or ask the children to call them mom and dad ? Another article said kinship should never try to replace the parents because kinship is about keeping connections.

4. The media paints her biological parents as terrible and adoption as amazing. Simone has contact with their biological mother and was part of her life. The media outlining her biological mother’s struggles and bashing her to uplift adoptive parents and adoption was gross. TMZ found her biological mom and she’s doing well now. It’s sad how people’s past, when they were struggling, is used against them. We didn’t need to know her biological mom’s story.

5. I’ve heard former foster youth and current foster youth who are upset that Simone is being used as a poster child for foster care and adoption. After the Rio Olympics, one of my former placements said she’s tired of hearing about Simone Biles because she felt she doesn’t represent the majority of foster kids. A former foster youth, said a foster child will never be an Olympic gymnast and it’s ridiculous to use her to recruit foster parents. Also, this forces the foster child to feel grateful.

6. Simone is an amazing gymnast but she has trauma and struggles with her own mental health. Placing her as a poster child for foster care and adoption, does a disservice to foster kids and adoptees. It also does a disserve to Simone. She’s not here to save the day.

7. Recently, a video has been going around of Simone stating adoption saved her and if it weren’t for adoption and her parents, she wouldn’t be here. The Today Show host Hoda is also an adoptive mom. I can’t say this enough, but if an adoptee says they’re grateful for adoption and their adoptive parents, please don’t use this against adoptees you disagree with or with your own children. Never ever expect your foster and adopted children to feel grateful for you or for adoption/foster care.

Unfortunately the media and public loves a good tragic back story, but Simone’s story shouldn’t be used against foster kids or adoptees. I remember cringing when my local agency said you can foster and adopt the next Simone Biles who made the Olympics. Gross.

Adoption and foster care IS traumatic.

If Simone ever decides to speak about any of her experiences that the public disagrees with or doesn’t tow the party line, she’d be called ungrateful. An adoptee went though this at the winter Olympics after saying she wanted to find her biological family. She said some things about adoption many didn’t like hearing.

I wish her family didn’t go public and allowed her to decide when she wanted to and if she wanted certain things shared. Now that it’s out there, she has to be careful about what she says.

Also, for those fighting reunification just stop. Supporting Simone means advocating for families to stay together. We don’t know where Simone would’ve ended up or who she would have become – if she didn’t have her grandparents to take her in. The majority of outcomes for foster kids are extremely sad. The odds of doing gymnastics as a foster kid are vanishingly very low.

One other note from an adoptee – I am quite sure many Black people do not acknowledge her adoption. It is common in our community for grandparents to step in and raise grandchildren, when the biological parents are incapable. The majority of us from the Caribbean were raised by our grandparents while our parents left for different countries, neglect us or new opportunities. (blogger’s note – in fact it is common in the rural community in Missouri where I live and there are very few Black people living here.)

When The Next Baby Come Along

It’s a longish story, so I’ll try to summarize it. A woman with 2 biological sons was approached by a couple at church to adopt their grandchild. At first, she expected the biological mother to change her mind but it didn’t happen and she ended up with the baby girl. However, it was all a very open adoption until . . .

That little girl is now 9 years old. Her first mother has had another baby and has ceased all contact. She plans to never tell her new daughter that she gave up a previous baby for adoption. Her husband is supportive, even though he knew this other daughter existed before they got married. The grandparents and other extended family vehemently disagree with this decision and remain very much involved with the adoptive mother and this older daughter. However, the adopted daughter asks regularly about her biological mother and her “baby sister.” The rules were changed for us in the middle of the game. What can I do to prevent her from feeling abandoned, causing more psychological and emotional damage to her? The involvement from her biological mother’s extended family complicates things. It brings questions every time there is any interaction with them.

From an adoptee – There’s nothing you can do about the damage her first mother is doing to her. Don’t focus on it. Give your daughter all the love and support she deserves. At this point, speaking hard truths with grace about her mom and drawing boundaries to protect her will take wisdom. I’ve had to walk this road from 10 to now. I’m 40. My natural parents gave me up for adoption with some expectations that I did not meet. Sometimes, if I look at the cold hard facts, there is a sadness and anger that comes, but my adopted parents loved me. I am so thankful for that. It had made me strong enough to look at the hardness of life but also taught me mercy so that I don’t lash at people because of the hurt done to me. Truth and mercy. They should always go hand in hand.

From a trans-racial international adoptee – having lovely adoptive parents doesn’t necessarily mean there is no trauma. When we refer to as “adoption is a trauma”, we’re talking about the relinquishment (especially at birth), the removal from biological family (even with “open” adoptions) & the legal severing of all biological ties. You can be the most trauma-informed adoptive parent who centers the adoptee and the adoptee can still have trauma. For example, your daughter refers to the baby as her “baby sister” but legally speaking, they aren’t sisters. You should consider that to be trauma. You can’t prevent adoption trauma from happening, when the adoption has already taken place.

From a woman adopted by kin – relinquishment is trauma, even when done as carefully as possible. THIS is a whole other level of heartbreak. It makes me sad and angry for her, that she now has to face being completely abandoned by her mother… especially with the reason being that she now wants to lie to the younger baby and pretend the other daughter never existed. She’s doing a major disservice to them both. The young mother also has some trauma. Even if she pulled herself together and got on with her life, even if she says she’s moved on, even if she acts like a giant brat – in spite of all that – it was trauma for HER to give away her baby. She gives clues when she mentions not wanting the new baby to know. She is judging HERSELF for what she did. Whether she deserves that judgment or not, isn’t the point. The point is that we live in denial and continue to make more bad decisions, when we refuse to face the judgment we make against ourselves. She feels like a horrible person for giving away her child, but she isn’t allowing herself to acknowledge that feeling. It comes out in her fear of being judged by her new baby. She can’t stomach the idea of that. So she’s hiding her mistakes. The option of therapy was avoided and stigmatized by the people who raised me. I stuffed it all down and put on the good, grateful face. It all began bubbling up when I became a mother. Figuring out trauma as a new parent is FAR from ideal, but it often comes to the surface when we become parents. Go ahead and get help for the child long before that. Brace yourself. Her mother has fully abandoned her and is planning to pretend to have a happy, perfect family with a new baby. It’s a multi-layered loss. Not only is she losing her mother, she’s also losing the chance to know the new sibling. You are the mother figure in her life. The chances that you will catch the fall-out and flack from the onslaught of emotions is pretty high. Please prepare yourself to recognize that trauma responses are NOT misbehavior.

The adoptive mother says – I would rather her not have known about the baby had I saw this coming. But the kinship adoptee responds with the hard reality – I can understand why you say you’d rather she not know about the baby, since it’s causing additional pain. As mothers, we want to help them avoid big pains like this whenever possible. But I’d like to gently caution you against that thought as well. Her sibling is part of her truth. For right now, it is extremely painful to know about the baby… but not knowing would be the greater injustice. The people who raised me hid parts of my story from me. They thought they were doing the right thing, I guess because they thought I couldn’t handle knowing. Every time some new part of my story came out, it was a huge blow – not just because it was new information, but also because they’d kept it from me. It destroyed all of my confidence in them. They were still withholding my truths from me when I was in my 30s!

One last one from the child of an adoptee – Is it possible that her family coerced her into placing her first born up for adoption? How much contact did you have with your daughter’s mom before she went into labor? You said the grandparents approached you at church – of all places. It sounds like the kind of family that would pressure and talk her into something like that. My dad was adopted at birth, his mom was 13 (that is literally all we know). The first mother definitely has trauma, if that were the case. The adoptive mother answers – I really don’t know. When we arrived at hospital 48 hrs after the birth, we talked to the mother and she said she was too young and didn’t know who the father was … but I can’t say, if she was coerced.

Possession is 9/10s of the Right

Perspective from a Kinship Adoptive mother – 12 years after relinquishment, our adoptees are OUR kids, not hers. Even though their biological mom has made a new and better life for herself and the adopted kids know their story and know her. When they reach 18, they can choose, but until then – I am their mom 100%.

An adoptee commented – It is wonderful when family can step up, so it doesn’t become a stranger adoption, but when they cannot also treat the original parents as family (for the child they share, if for no other reason) – it is offensive and a bit horrid.

Another shared a similar story – there’s a woman who has provided kinship adoption for *three* of her niece’s children, and is already planning to take the fourth child this woman is currently pregnant with, who talks sooooo poorly of her niece and has the young children call her “mommy”. I only know this and more I shouldn’t even know because she openly shares it at daycare pick up.

The woman who shared the perspective above notes – it really is so sad. I think I hear some of the most hateful things about biological families from kinship groups. They seem to resent the fact they “have to clean up the mess” and talk so poorly about their family and then at the same time do everything in the book and more to take and keep their children.

One adoptee shares – I was a kinship adoptee at 4, and spent my whole life hearing about how awful my birth mother is & how I’m just like her & how they were such saints for taking me in.

One kinship adoptee who is also a kinship guardian writes – Selfish beyond belief. A lot of adoptive parents act like they “won” and own the kids and get off on keeping them in the dark about their biological family because they’re JEALOUS that the kids want to know them… because they “belong” to them after adoption. I will never understand people not encouraging their kids to know their family, even if it isn’t just the parents. Most kids have siblings, aunts & uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc that they deserve to know about and connect with.

Another who is a potential future kinship guardian notes – This always feels like they see these children as possessions instead of people. “100% MY child.” “Legal stranger.” Not allowing a relationship until the children are 18. Someday, this is an adoptive parent that will be making “woe is me” posts about how these children won’t speak to her anymore, and how she has NO IDEA WHY.

In the initial comment, it was mentioned that when the biological mother relinquished her rights, the judge declared her a “legal stranger”. Someone else noted – the reality is, she was probably told “if you don’t relinquish, we’ll take your rights forcibly and that means we’ll remove every child you have after this one.” She probably only relinquished because she was scared and felt like it was her only choice. One dad who was in foster care as a youth writes – That is a skewed interpretation of a “legal stranger.” The court doesn’t mean someone unacquainted or having no relationship with the party. It means someone not involved in the transaction of the child. ie. The judge did not allow the natural mother to have a say in proceedings because she relinquished her legal “interest” in the child. And did she really stand before the judge and do that? I wasn’t even allowed to know the finalization date. I know my daughter’s mother wasn’t there because she was with me that day. They hadn’t told her either. We found out from Facebook, when the adoption agency posted a picture of my daughter, her adoptive parents, and the judge.

One adoptee noticed that the adoptive mother’s comment screams saviorism and ownership. Then, someone adopted as an infant notes – When will you all realize how narcissistic and selfish adoptive parents who adopt for altruistic reasons are to their core?

One comment noted – The more people a child has that love them the better.

Back Together Again

Image is not the people in today’s story from my all things adoption group –

When I was 6 weeks old, my biological mother abandoned me. My grandparents got guardianship of me and ended up adopting me when I was 6. My biological mother, that same year, gave birth to my brother. She and his father end up abusing him, so my grandparents become his legal guardians. Unfortunately, my grandparents chose not keep us together and so adopted him out. The family he was adopted into could not have kids at the time he was adopted but then, later on they ended up actually having 4 biological kids of their own.

The adoptive family were racist people ! They abused him mentally, financially, and physically. They had cut all ties with me, claiming I was a bad influence because I would call him my brother, which was confusing their other kids. Fast forward, when he was 13-14 years old, they locked him out of the house due to a physical altercation. His adoptive mother claimed he was the cause it happened but the only person that was beaten up was him. He was told to “go find a new family, that he was not wanted anymore”.

The first person he called was me ! My grandma and I drove for 10 hours overnight. We contacted a lawyer and went to see him (he was at a friend’s). That started a long, hard, 3 year battle in court to get him away from them.

This situation really shined a light for me on how messed up the system is ! I’m happy to say my grandparents won ! We all won !! Today marks the 2 year anniversary of us becoming brother and sister legally again !! I am happy to say he is thriving since getting away from those people. Our bond throughout the years never wavered !

Double Whammy

An adoptee writes – “My birthday was a few days ago, and with Mother’s Day this weekend, there are a lot of complicated emotions flying around.”

Some background from the adoptee – I was adopted at birth by my aunt (my genetic mom’s sister) and uncle, and moved several states away. I was given a new name, new Birth Certificate, the whole works. My adoptive parents had been trying for a baby, and since my original mom didn’t have the resources (job, place of her own) they asked to adopt me. A month after I was born, my adoptive parents ended up pregnant with my brother. My sister followed a year later. I do not look like anyone in my adoptive family and I never felt like I fit in or belonged. I was treated way differently than my siblings. My adoptive mother passed away when I was 19. Since then, I’ve had a mediocre relationship with my adoptive dad, barely there communication with my brother, and my sister won’t acknowledge my existence.

I was a rebellious, angry teen, and my issues carried over into adulthood. I caused my family a lot of pain, but had no idea that any of my issues were likely caused by trauma. That said, I take responsibility for my decisions, own up to them, and have repaired relationships where possible. Still, I have lived most of my life filled with shame and thinking I am defective and a bad person regarding some of the choices I’ve made.

After years of therapy for depression and anxiety, a wonderful therapist suggested that my lifelong issues could be a result of adoption trauma. I brushed her off, saying “My adoption happened a long time ago. I’ve dealt with it. I’m fine.” And she gently replied, “No, I don’t think you are.” And so it was, that I started coming out of the fog five years ago, right around the time I turned 40.

I have always known who my mother was, but never got to know her and have only met her three times. The first was when I was 3. She visited with her new husband so that she could come clean about her “past.” The second was when I was 15. I was in the throes of angsty adolescence and started having issues around my identity. The whole purpose of my visit was to talk to her openly about my adoption, but…although her husband knew I was her daughter, she would not acknowledge that I was his sister to my half brother, who was 10 years old at the time. I had to tiptoe around for a week while he called me “cousin.” More shame. The last time I saw her was at my adoptive mother’s funeral, almost 26 years ago. We talk here and there, mostly on Facebook, but I literally don’t feel anything for her. She still talks of giving me up as being “the best thing” for me, without acknowledging the harm. I realize she was in an impossible situation, but just to have her see me, acknowledge the hurt I experienced and continue to deal with, would mean so much.

Curiosity Is Natural

I found this situation interesting. A 16 yr old in a kinship adoption (by grandparents) wants to go back to her biological mother. She recently came out as pan (Pantheism is the philosophical religious belief that reality, the universe and the cosmos are identical to divinity and a supreme being or entity) and she wants to study witchcraft and her grandparents are strongly Catholic, therefore this goes against their beliefs. Personally, I can relate. I remember having a curiosity about Wicca when I was a teenager and looked into such alternative spiritualities more deeply when I was much older.

A reasonable response was this – living with people that do not support her beliefs can do a lot more harm in two years (when she would be 18). She may not be here in 2 years, if she has to endure not being able to be her true self. Forcing her to stay there could end her life. She needs supportive people around her, while she freely explores her own spiritual possibilities.

This young woman is the niece of the husband of the woman who is seeking to be supportive of her, She adds – she’s not studying it to fully commit, she just wants to be able to read about it and he grandparents totally flipped out. She was only curious about it and she likes to read and learn about different things.

Someone else noted (which I also already understood) – witchcraft is an actual religion called Wicca. Surely 16 is old enough for religious freedom.

A foster parent of teens writes – if she leaves and goes back to mom, there’s basically nothing the state can do to intervene. The brilliant and frustrating thing about teenagers is that NO ONE can force them to do anything, which is both a strength and a weakness. As long as she communicates where she is and doesn’t cross state lines (which could open up charges of kidnapping), it’s unlikely anything will happen. The adoptive grandparents can report her as a runaway and call for a wellness check, but as long as the teen and mom are found to be okay, they won’t remove her. The more complicated aspect would be getting her identifying documents from her adoptive grandparents. Sometimes these documents are “held hostage” in order to manipulate the situation. Then, there are all the times she will need a parent-guardian signature until she is 18. Ideally, the grandparents would acquiesce in order to save their relationship with their granddaughter and be willing to set up a legal guardianship for her mom.

I did look into the state in question, Florida – and found this legal information at Law for Families LINK re: Florida Laws About Moving Out of Your Parents’ Home – Florida minors who want to move out of their parents’ home will find very limited options. Emancipation guidelines stipulate that the minor must be at least 16 years old, able to display a clear need to be emancipated and also have both parents or guardian’s permission. Even if a minor meets all those requirements, a judge makes the final ruling. The only other option for a child to legally move out of a parents’ home in Florida is turning 18, at which point that child is a legal adult.

Another noted the honest truth – Millions of foster youth and adoptees “vanish” and they never ever look for us. She’s just another number in that figure except she would actually be home. Is it legally bad advice? Yes. But lots of us do it and then just move on to the next part of our life. My cousins were kin adopted from foster care but one left at 16 even though she was still involved with the system and still nothing. The other waited until enlistment age and moved out that way. Adoptees don’t usually have active and ongoing supervision like foster youth and can slip under radars easier in that age bracket.

After So Much Secrecy

Today’s story –

I’m an infant adoptee, adopted within family – I was raised knowing my natural mother as my cousin; my natural mom’s uncle is my adoptive dad. I didn’t know the family relationship until 10 years ago, in adulthood.

In 2 weeks, I have a work trip to the city where my natural family lives – mother, father, full brother, and grandmother (adoptive dad’s sister). Since this trip came up a few days ago, I’ve been debating whether to reach out to my family and try to meet up for an afternoon. My adoptive parents have both passed away.

Background: While I remember always being told I was adopted, my adoptive mom was always really vague and acted like she didn’t know who my natural parents were – even though we had been in the same room with them multiple times! We didn’t see them often, just a few times a year until my adoptive dad’s parents (my natural great-grandparents) passed.

When my mom was pregnant, she had already secretly set up an adoption to strangers and kept her pregnancy quiet – but when I was born, my great-grandmother demanded that I stay in the family, and my adoptive parents suddenly got a call. So there was a ton of drama and secrecy there from the start.

I haven’t seen my natural parents since I was about 14, at my (great)grandfather’s funeral. We’ve chatted a couple of times via Facebook, but haven’t had much communication, and it always feels so weird after so much secrecy for so long.

Part of me thinks it would be nice to know them better, and seize the opportunity to see them for the first time in 20 years. Part of me wants to put my head in the sand and let sleeping dogs lie. I’ve been feeling really stuck, and need to make a decision soon to plan.

She then updates to add – I sent my natural parents a message this afternoon. They haven’t seen it yet, so we’ll see how it goes.