Bribing DNA Test Sites ?

I do have my doubts about the bribing but it is a real concern for the adoptee in today’s story.

I have semi-recently remembered that I am adopted, something that my parents hid from me and still do not admit. So are my siblings, but all of us are not related to our parents and each other. Certainly, not as closely as immediate family. We started to guess that we were adopted when we were children. Our allergies were very different. And for me again in 7th grade, when we did a genetics unit. My siblings and I don’t talk about it now as adults. When I was in college, I hired a private investigator and he unearthed so much that everyone was lying about, including this. I’m really wanting to do so again, but can’t afford it. A DNA test isn’t a given, because my parents have money (I don’t) and they can bribe the testing site to give fake results, it’s happened before. I did get real results when I was an adolescent, but I can’t remember what they were except for a few parts. I don’t know what happened to the test result papers. I had wanted to keep them forever.

One suggestion – Once you do an Ancestry or 23 and Me test, I suggest joining DNA Detectives and ask for a search angel. Search angels are volunteers who help you find your biological family for free, if you are interested in that.

Someone else pointed out – Ancestry, 23andMe etc have very strict rules and I very much doubt that they could be bribed to give you false results. You wouldn’t even have to get your parents to test. With a bit of detective work and some close enough matches, you can prove if you are related to your parents or not.

Yet another person notes – you’d probably be disturbed to learn the extents small local places are willing to go to protect recipient parents. I wouldn’t be surprised if a local facility was supportive and even somehow involved with misinforming the adoptee. Something can be illegal, yet people/businesses can still (and often do) break the law. “Illegal” doesn’t mean “impossible” or even “unlikely”.

More than one expressed this thought – now is NOT the time to tell original poster to seek mental health help. Dissociation is a trip. It’s not surprising someone would suppress or dissociate away from the information that they’re adopted. Imagine finding something like that out after being lied to. People are going to process something like that at their own speed and seek help when they feel ready.

One adoptee added – don’t we all need some professional mental healthcare for our adoptions and lifetimes of traumas!? The lucky few have access to those resources.

And something like this DOES happen and so someone shares this story about a person that didn’t find out he was adopted until he was 40. His sister said that they tried to tell him when he was 6 years old and he got really upset – so they decided to just not bring it up again. He was very different looking to his parents. He finally got tested. It took him a bit to be ok with it all but now he is.

Late Discovery Humor

2006 Movie – Relative Strangers

This is NOT a serious blog today but last night we watched the 2006 movie – Relative Strangers. Since Netflix ceased sending us dvds by mail, I visit our local library every Tuesday to return the dvds I checked out the previous week and pick 5 new ones. I selected this movie ONLY because the box suggested a strong adoption related theme.

Though much criticism has been leveled against the movie’s use of “hillbilly white trash” tropes, I did find several aspects “true” to what I know about adoption at this point. I will quickly point out that before I started learning the “realities” after locating all of my actual genetic, biological grandparents in the year following the deaths of both of my parents, who were both adoptees but died knowing next to nothing about their own roots due to closed and sealed adoptions, I was as much in the fog of the feel good stories about adoption as anyone could ever be. Most of my childhood, I believed my parents were actual orphans. I had no idea there were people out there living their lives with no knowledge of me that I was actually biologically and genetically related to.

I do know at least one late discovery adoptee and have read about others, so Richard learning he was adopted after he was already in his 30s seems true enough to reality to me. Also, his adoptive parents have a biological genetic son who is malicious towards his adopted brother. Have read stories like that from actual adoptees as well.

Richard’s effort to discover who his actual birth parents were and his liberal fantasies about that seem to ring true as well. Many adoptees (especially in childhood) fantasize who their original first parents were. His meeting with the actual birth parents also mirrors some of the “failed” reunions I have read about. One of the sweetest moments comes when Richard discovers the heart shaped locket his birth mother wears has an infant photo and the missing button from his teddy bear’s eyes (the only clue to his identity after he was abandoned).

Also his actual parents reminded me of the biblical story because they cared more about their son’s well-being than their own desire to have a relationship with him. In the biblical story, two women both claim a child is their own. King Solomon orders the baby be cut in half, with each woman to receive one half. The first woman accepts the compromise as fair, but the second begs the king to give the baby to the other. She prefers her baby lives, even without her. Solomon gave the baby to the second woman with the selfless love. This story always tugged at my heart growing up.

As a writer, for me, some of the funniest parts of the movie relate to Richard’s chosen profession as a psychologist who has written a book on Anger Management – “Ready Set Let Go”. Reality, and having to come to terms with that reality, challenge his own method of controlling anger. His real mother and father are his worst nightmare: rude, loud, obnoxious, crude and of a lower class than his snooty adoptive parents.

As the child of 2 adoptees, I lived some of that strange kind of contrast. My mom’s adoptive parents were a banker and socialite. My dad’s adoptive parents were conservative religious rural down to earth people with very limited financial resources. Until much later in my adulthood, my mom’s adoptive mother was never in the same room with my dad’s adoptive parents (her adoptive father died when I was barely 20 years old). By the time I learned who my original grandparents were, those ancestors I was genetically related to had all died. All I know of them is second-hand, mostly from the cousins I now know I am actually genetically related to and who had real life experiences with those people who conceived my parents.

NOT QUITE NARWHAL

I saw this book recommended to an adoptive parent. Then, I found a review at Red Thread Broken by Grace Newton (aka Grace Ping Hua). She is one of the 80,000 adoptees from China who currently live in the United States. She was born in Nanjing, Jiangsu Province, China. When she was two years old, she was abandoned and taken to the Nanjing Social Welfare Institute, where she stayed for a year. At three years of age, she was adopted and has lived in the United States ever since. She notes – “I have had the good fortune to go back to China twice and plan on returning in the near future.”

I have somewhat of a thing, but not an obsession, for unicorns. And the idea of this reminds me of Sandy in SpongeBob (she is a squirrel living in a air filled dome under the sea). From Grace’s review – “From the first page to the last, the illustrations in this book are darling. This book captures big and complicated emotions in very few words at an easy to grasp introductory level. Kelp knows he’s different from the other narwhals, and the author allows him to embrace feeling different without feeling ostracized.” Later she adds, “for adopted children the message is clear that it is okay and wonderful to hold love for both families.” blogger’s note – since learning about my original genetic grandparents and coming in contact with some of my genetic relations, an aunt and some cousins, that has proven a bigger struggle for me than I expected but I think I have finally arrived at that conclusion.

There are also some criticisms but she concludes with – “Though there are a couple of faults, the benefits greatly outweigh these and merit giving this book a read.” One criticism is that the author erased the parents from the book, but Grace believes that was an unintentional error given how carefully and clearly Sima emphasizes the importance of both worlds for Kelp. There is a lack of explanation regarding Kelp’s identity as a unicorn. And I definitely know this from acquaintances – many adoptees don’t find out until later in life that they are adopted.

Grace also notes that “the author of the book has left it open enough that Kelp can relate to any child living with loss and longing for love from both first and adoptive families, for a child navigating two households due to divorce, a child moving to a different school who wishes to keep old friends and make new ones, and many other situations of feeling torn.”

A Near Miss

Almost every Thursday (though I sometimes have weeks long gaps or skip a week), I query literary agents for representation of my third revision of my family’s adoption story. I do not intend to revise it again and if I do not succeed, I’ll simply print a copy for my daughter and for my family of today and be done with it. I do not intend to be pessimistic but at this point, I simply go through the motions like it is my “job” – and in a very real way it is. My husband has taken over most of our businesses functions to leave me plenty of time to write and he remains more hopeful about a positive outcome than I do.

Yesterday, I got the quickest rejection yet – like in minutes. Sharlene Martin of LINK> Martin Literary Management sent me this email – “I’m sorry but I recently did Jane Blasio’s book, Taken at Birth, and this would present a conflict of interest for me.” I didn’t know that of course, just sort of got lucky in choosing her (one of the challenges is deciding which literary agent to query). So, I looked into the author and saw that her book was published in July 2021. That is the closest I’ve ever come to finding a literary agent interested in the topic. I don’t know whether to feel encouraged or not at this point.

I was already aware of the story of the Hicks Clinic in McCaysville Georgia before yesterday evening. Dr Hicks was the Georgia Tann of Memphis Tennessee’s compatriot – with similar practices but in a different state, each seeking to grab their share of a lucrative exploitation of babies and hopeful adoptive parents. Adoptive homes are often an expression of secrecy, lies and shame. Everyone living there is living a false reality. Sadly, adoption is often not much different than human trafficking.

LINK> Jane Blasio is not the only adoptee to uncover the truth of their childhood as an adult. It can be quite unsettling for the person who discovers their parents were not the ones they were born to. These adoptees are often referred to as Late Discovery. Dr Thomas Jugarthy Hicks would tell his expectant patient that their newborn child had died at birth and then, sell their baby out the back door of his clinic to the hopeful adoptive parents.

Jane’s own story is that, at the age of six, she learned she was adopted. At fourteen, she first saw her birth certificate. This led her to begin piecing together the true details of her origins. It took decades of personal investigation to discover the truth. Along the way, she identified and reunited other victims of the Hicks Clinic human trafficking scheme. She became an expert in illicit adoptions, telling her story to every major news network that would have her. Her book is a remarkable account of one woman’s tireless quest for truth, justice, and resolution.

I first roughed out my family’s adoption story in November of 2017 using the NaNoWriMo effort to jumpstart it with 50,000 words and the title Lost Chances: Frances Irene Moore’s Georgia Tann Story. In 2021, I submitted a short version of 8,431 words titled With Luck and Persistence (my completed manuscript is 87,815 words) to the Jeffrey E Smith Editor’s Prize with The Missouri Review. This year I am doing a very brief version, less than 1,500 words, for the True Family Stories contest with the Kingdom Writer’s Guild titled Surprised by the Miracle. The prize is nothing to get excited about but my husband long ago suggested I write a version for Christians, so this is that – where I won’t make an issue against adoption – I’ll only focus on the miracle that I didn’t end up adopted as well. All this to say, I can’t say I won’t re-write it in some form again but I won’t revise the long manuscript again or try to shop it if this effort ultimately fails. I still think I have a good story but the challenge is getting anyone else to believe that.

Telling The Truth

The same can be said for your donor conceived child. Way back when, the suggestion was to begin to tell “the story” very early in the child’s life. That it would be good practice and that the truth would never feel as though it had been concealed. With the advent of inexpensive DNA testing and matching sites, I’m glad we followed that advice with our two sons. My mom’s group from over 18 years ago, once divided into two camps – telling and not telling. I am compassionately understanding of those who chose not to tell. Once I was talking to a friend who was stressing about telling her children they were donor egg conceived. While we were on the phone, her husband was in the backyard committing suicide. Understandably, the disruption of that tragic event has now robbed her of any good time to come out with the truth.

I do know of some late discovery adoptees (this is someone who finds out after maturity that they were adopted). One shares her point of view today – An adopted person should know they are adopted before they ever understand what it means. When is the right time to tell someone they’re adopted? Yesterday. The day before. The day before that. If you’re asking this question, you’ve already done it wrong.

If there is an adopted person in your life and you cannot say with 100% certainty that they know they’re adopted, you and the people around that adoptee have failed them. Withholding this information from an adopted person isn’t about the comfort of or what’s best for the adoptee, it’s about the unwillingness of the people around the adoptee to be uncomfortable.

Telling a person they’re adopted should never be done in a public setting. To do so is meant only to protect yourself from reaction and backlash. It’s cruel. There needs to be space and grace allowed for all the feelings that come with having your world turned upside down. This needs to be done with the understanding that your relationship with that person may never ever be the same moving forward. This needs to be done with the understanding that there might be no more relationship after this. And you need to understand *this*isn’t*about*you*. It’s about doing what’s right to make an adopted person whole. Because while it may seem that they don’t consciously know, their body does. The trauma of their separation from their natural mother has been stored within their bodily cells. To withhold this information from someone is emotionally abusive.

Not The Same

Someone was asking adoptees if it’s OK to identify as “half adopted.” They were raised by their biological mom but their biological dad was absent. Then they were later legally adopted by mom’s next husband.

She goes on to note – The amount of tone deaf, “Of course, you were adopted” by non-adopted people and one adopted person was really irritating. They have their own loss and trauma, but they had their mother and only learned their father’s name when they were already in their teens.

The responses in my all things adoption group were interesting and somewhat surprising. The points chosen seem valid. I think what might be different is the degree of trauma that accompanies an infant or young child being separated from their mother.

If you were legally adopted, you’re an adoptee. I was adopted twice (blogger’s note – so was my adoptee dad) and not raised by birth parents, but it feels weird to tell someone who was legally adopted that they can’t call themselves adopted.

The person who was adopted gets to identity however they want to, in my opinion. Your identity is valid.

They were adopted, so they could decide – adoptee, half adoptee or not as an adoptee. It is their choice.

Half of their stuff was still changed. They are still not involved with the family of half of them.

Step-parent adoption or kinship adoption – I do see them as different than a stranger adopting an infant. (Same as the point I made above – less trauma effects in these situations.) Another one added – I’m a kinship adoptee (adopted by maternal grandma) and I identify as a kinship adoptee.

Yet another response – Step parent adoptions are in no way equal to full adoptees. In most cases, step parent adoptees got to stay with their biological mother – therefore not experiencing the “primal wound’ trauma that connects so many adoptees or the trauma of being completely separated from your biological family.

Sure they are “technically” adopted – but not at all in the same way.

The issue arises when they try to say they’ve experienced the trauma discussed by full adoptees or try to say they are privileged voices in spaces where they really are not because they don’t have that shared life experience. Some of these “half” adoptees have even misrepresented themselves in order to dupe hopeful adoptive parents and profit financially as “consultants” or the like.

It really bugs me when those who were adopted by a step parent try to say they are “adoptees” in the same way that I am. Because they just aren’t. Full stop. I’m pretty surprised by the other responses here so far actually.

And a last valid point – Part of me wants to know to what purpose, to what end? A lot of people are just trying to find their identity, to explain some of their trauma responses, to understand how to describe their situation to other people.

But if the purpose is that they want to come into adoptee spaces and converse about adoption as a privileged voice to elevate their own opinions–which has happened before in the adoptee community on TikTok–they most likely will be schooled on that before too long.

I see it as a facet of adoption just like any other. There is a LOT of intersectionality here. People can be adoptees but not infant adoptees, or transracial adoptees, or late-discovery adoptees, all of which come with unique sets of issues. No two experiences will be identical. I recognize I cannot speak for transracial adoptees, for example, and so, I know not to minimize their experiences by pretending mine is just like theirs. I don’t have x, y, or z issues.