I’ve not actually read this book but learned about it today. It comes highly recommended by many and who have actually read it and is rated right up there with The Primal Wound and Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. Also Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self. So, I thought I should share it. I was happy to see that the book also covers Third Party Reproduction (in fact the book includes donor insemination and surrogacy).
Originally published in the 1980s, it was ahead of it’s time. One adoptee says, it is something that I wish my adoptive parents had read. The new edition has been updated and was released in 2019. The seven core issues are loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control.
One person familiar with this book said it was “A classic and foundational to the way I think about these issues and the importance of reform in adoption practices.”
At Amazon it is said – “the first conceptual framework of its kind to offer a unifying lens that was inclusive of all individuals touched by the adoption experience.” It is further noted that – “Attachment and trauma are integrated with the Seven Core Issues model to address and normalize the additional tasks individuals and families will encounter.” The book also claims to access “a range of perspectives including: multi-racial, LGBTQ, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, African-American, International,” as well as those that cover openness, search and reunion.
Penny Callan Partridge, Co-founder in 1973 of the Adoption Forum of Philadelphia, wrote – “For decades, I have been responding to these ‘seven core issues’ as an adopted person, as a parent by adoption, as a poet. Now I imagine myself as a therapist trying to help someone in the adoption constellation. I would definitely want this book close at hand.”
Another, Keith Silverstein, a voice actor and adoption advocate, noted – “As an adopted person, I’m very familiar with the seven core issues, both comprehensively and experientially. Yet even with my prior knowledge, there was a deeper understanding to be attained through the pages of this book. Having had the pleasure to work with and consider both Sharon and Allison my friends, I’ve seen first hand the passion they have for adoption and helping children find permanence. Their collective expertise, contained here, is, in my opinion, the gold standard for understanding and working towards permanence in adoption.”
My friend, Ande Scott, does a podcast called LINK>The Adoption Files. The Adoption Files seeks to provide a place for adoptees and allies to discuss the laws preventing adoptees from accessing their identities, and the emotional and physical challenges adoptees face in the process of dealing with the obstacles we face. I was once a guest on her podcast. Ande is also a late discovery adoptee – which means she grew up never being told that she was adopted and only found out much later as an adult. Today, she shared something so poignant, I needed to bring it here to reach others who might not be her friend on Facebook. Here is what she wrote –
As adopted people, we are severed from our stories. Along with photos, the greatest treasures I have received from family members are the few stories I have been told. My grandfather who testified against the mob, my other grandfather who walked back to allied lines after his bomber was shot down. The great-uncle who ran away to Australia.
My youngest expressed to me the loss he feels when he sees the photos, hears the stories, sees the traditions that thread together the strands of his friends lives.
I wish I had those things to give to him, that the false narrative had been the true story. Not the fantasy that was torn away from not just me, but my children as well.
I probably make my grandkids a little crazy, bombarding them with the stories of trips to the museum and days spent in Lego architecture and how I used to take their dad and uncle for “walks”; me on my quad skates, their dad in rollerblades, their uncle on a skateboard. How we would take turns carrying the eight pound dog when she was worn out from keeping up.
I want them to have stories to fill in at least a little of the void that stretches out behind them just two generations back.
Because being lost to family isn’t just about the adopted person.
It’s about everyone who comes after, as well.
blogger’s note – I was recently in contact with Barbara Raymond (author of The Baby Thief) which is about Georgia Tann, who looms large in my own mother’s adoption story. She said – you have more adoption in your family than anyone else I have heard of. It’s true. Not only were BOTH of my parents adoptees but each of my 2 sisters gave up a baby to adoption. That makes 4 adoptees in my immediate genetic, biological family. Long ago, as I was uncovering my actual genetic, biological grandparents, my youngest son said – you have a very complicated family. That is true and I’ve been doing my best to come to terms with that and integrate it into my own understanding of what family is. All 4 of my adoptive grandparents were “good” people who treated us well as genuine grandchildren. Learning the truth of my original genetic, biological grandparents did shatter that a bit for me personally. I’ve been doing my best to put ALL of the pieces back together again.
Started reading a piece by Shane Bouel on Medium titled LINK>Objectification of Adoption via Narcissism, subtitled – A Deplorable Default Truth of Adoption. I thought about the many times I have read adoptees describe their adoptive parent (usually the adoptive mother) as a narcissist. I reflected that I wasn’t sure I had ever written about that in this blog. You will need to be a “member” to read the entire Medium piece, so I will excerpt a few thoughts from his writing, until I hit the paywall myself.
He writes – The world of adoption is often portrayed as a realm of selflessness and love, where individuals make the profound choice to provide a home and family for a child in need. While this perspective is undoubtedly valid, there is an uncomfortable truth that deserves consideration: Adoption inherently invites narcissism.
[1] The Desire for Validation – One aspect that links adoption and narcissism is the inherent desire for validation. Individuals who choose to adopt may find validation in being perceived as saviors or heroes who rescue a child from a less fortunate situation. This need for external validation can be a manifestation of narcissistic tendencies, where one’s self-worth is closely tied to the approval and admiration of others.
[2] Control and Ownership – Another element to consider is the sense of control and ownership that adoption can bring. The act of adopting a child can be perceived as an assertion of power and control over another person’s life. This desire for control aligns with narcissistic traits, as narcissists often seek to dominate and exert influence over those around them.
[3] Idealized Self-Image – Narcissists tend to have an idealized self-image, and adoption can serve as a means to further enhance this image. Adoptive parents may view themselves as exceptionally kind, generous, and selfless, reinforcing their own positive self-perception. The adoption narrative can be a platform for bolstering the idealized self-image of those involved.
[4] Manipulation of Empathy – Narcissists are known for their ability to manipulate and elicit empathy from others. In the context of adoption, this manipulation can take the form of presenting themselves as selfless and virtuous individuals who are solely focused on the well-being of the child. This calculated display of empathy can be a…
(and I hit the paywall – I’m not really ready to go back to paying at this time).
I found a LINK>to Shane on FB, where he says this about his piece on Medium – This article delves into the complex dynamics at play, highlighting how the desire to adopt can intertwine with narcissistic tendencies and exploring the potential consequences of this intersection.
The truth of adoption is an uncomfortable reality that cannot be ignored. While adoption is often depicted as a selfless act driven by love and compassion, the underlying complexities reveal a darker side. Behind the heartwarming narratives lie stories of loss, identity struggles, and the commodification of vulnerable lives. The default truth of adoption encompasses the harsh realities of a system that can perpetuate secrecy, discrimination, and emotional trauma.
Why? Because the foundation of adoption is rooted in trauma, as long as the baby scoop era and forced adoption existed, adoption will be tarred with the same brush. Supporting saviorism over family preservation! Is this true adoption advocacy? In truth, adoption should be abolished! It’s time to call out toxic advocacy.
An adoptee writes – It amazes me how ignorant most people are about how to speak kindly to an adopted person who is advocating for adoptee rights and adoption reform activists.
That’s because everyone doesn’t see the gaping wound inside us. If they could see it, they’d fall to their knees telling us how sorry they are for our loss and apologize for insisting we feel, think, and talk only the way the adoption industry’s propaganda would like us to. Along with having numerous mental health diagnosis and labels (and they were all a lie because ”they” made the wound about behavior) and then made an incorrect diagnosis and even that incorrectly and so, treated us for the wrong thing. Yeah, that is what happens.
We got labeled “treatment resistant”, like somehow this twisted up lie we had to buy into, with everything bottled up within us, was more important than our own feelings and thoughts about our very own life experiences. Like having very normal feelings related to a very abnormal situation made us bad, or sick, or troubled children and
Why?
Because, up until adult adopted people found their voice and started using it, to educate, and get laws changed, even the mental health professionals didn’t recognize the trauma of relinquishment. The focus was always on how the child was not adjusting and the treatment consisted mostly of behavior modification. In other words, we were being groomed to be compliant adoptees.
Some of us were just too stubborn. There was no way my adoptive mom was getting the space in my heart I’d given to my first mother or the smaller space reserved for my foster parents and brother. I loved her and all but I was determined to hold onto my lived experience.
In fairy tales and children’s stories – there was a pea, and the flying monkeys were never bad, just exploited by power, and the truth really is – movies about orphans are propaganda for the adoption industry. It’s time we stop expecting children to play house. We need to start caring for and loving them through the losses they have experienced, before they landed with you, their adoptive parents. It’s time we allow a child in need of care by strangers, to continue to keep their own factual birth certificate and for courts to issue permanent guardianship papers, instead of a fictitious birth certificate. Every attempt must be made to keep the child with the family they were born into, until that effort has been completely and truthfully exhausted. Expediency is not an excuse for running roughshod over families.
So much of an adoptee’s time is spent going round and round, trying to make sense of this huge lie they are being forced to live. Many simply have not yet recognized how to blame anyone else, which is ok to do during the sorting out phase, just don’t forget to go back and clean up your campsite, once you’ve gained some clarity.
This was written over a year ago but as it comes directly from an adoptee, LINK>Tony Corsentino, and so, I wish to share these seriously considered perspectives with you today. I will only list these – you will need to go to the link to read the details behind each one.
He introduces this topic thus – These propositions are grounded in reflection on my experience as someone who was relinquished in a closed, same-race, same-religion domestic adoption in the United States. These propositions suggest, support, and clarify each other. I note many such connections in parentheses. I offer the propositions as empowerment to adoptees, and as advice, corrections, and warnings to kept people.
1. Adoptive parents raise other people’s children.
2. Adoption presupposes loss.
3. Love is neither necessary nor sufficient to make a family.
4. Loss of mirroring is harmful.
5. Severance carries intergenerational costs.
6. Adoption, as a contract, binds for life people who were never parties to it.
7. Adoption services transfer social wealth from those who lack resources and support to those who have them.
8. Adoption is constructive erasure, designed for adoptive parents’ wishes first, children’s and birth parents’ needs second, and children’s rights scarcely at all.
9. Relinquishment is not a reproductive decision.
10. Privacy entitles you to withhold from me something about you, not something about me.
11. Adoptees’ lived experience is a source of insight.
12. The adoptee has the freedom, and the burden, of deciding whom to call family.
13. Adoptees owe no one gratitude for the lives they were given.
In The Light Between Oceans, eventually truth and one’s conscience force a fierce mother to give up the child which isn’t actually hers. This sometimes happens in adoptions when the biological genetic parent decides they are not going to surrender their child to others to raise.
The story is a study in consequences. Every action begets a reaction. Every decision has its consequences, some unintended, but which have the capacity to cause the loss of happiness for the people involved. A lighthouse keeper and his wife discover a baby in a small boat alongside the child’s dead father. Isabel, his wife, has suffered through two miscarriages. The baby is like a gift from the sea and what the woman needs to heal the grief of her infertility. So, of course when the baby girl washes ashore in a small boat, Isabel adopts the infant as her own. Though truth be told, even though he loves his wife dearly, the husband has misgivings from the beginning, which will eventually force him to do the right thing by the woman who’s child the little girl actually is.
The movie is all about love, and the various forms of love; that between a husband and his wife, and that of a mother for her child (whether or not biological). The lighthouse keeper knows that he is required by law to report the discovery of the dead man and baby. However, his wife fears that the baby will be sent to an orphanage. She persuades her husband to pass the baby off as their own daughter, and though reluctant, he agrees out of the love he has for her and concern for the pain she suffers. He buries the baby’s father on the island and the couple names the infant girl Lucy.
When the man sees a woman kneeling in front of a grave bearing the names of her husband and infant daughter who were lost at sea, the date on the memorial stone matches the date that they found the baby girl. This causes him to realize that Lucy is likely the woman’s biological daughter. He writes anonymously to that woman to tell her that her husband is dead but that her infant daughter is safe, loved and well cared for.
This woman’s husband was German and she had married him shortly after the end of World War I. That marriage had therefore been controversial in their local community. When her husband is accosted in the street by a drunken crowd, he then jumped into a rowboat and fled with his baby daughter. In the boat with the baby was a unique silver rattle. Tormented by his conscience, he sends the child’s mother the rattle anonymously as proof that the baby actually is her lost child. Ultimately, this action leads to the lighthouse keeper’s arrest. His wife, Isabel, is angry that he is willing to give Lucy away after she has lived with them for several years.
After the little girl is returned to her biological family, she runs away in an effort to return to the lighthouse and her “real parents.” She is found and taken back to her biological mother. The child’s original name was Grace and after she has begun to finally bond with her biological mother and maternal grandfather, they agree to call her “Lucy Grace” as a compromise with the little girl’s demands. At the end, though Isabel has passed away, the now 27-year-old woman finds the lighthouse keeper who had maintained the “no contact” ruling handed down for 18 years. Before her death, Isabel had written a letter to Lucy, in case she ever sought contact with the couple on her own. After reading it, the emotional young woman thanks the only father she knew for the first four years of her life, for rescuing and raising her on the lighthouse island.
The story reminded me of my cousin. She spent several years being raised by her (our) grandmother. It was traumatic for her to be wrest away by her biological mother’s return. She resented her aunt who was able to remain with the grandmother, when she was forced to leave someone she dearly loved.
Most of the time, when biological parents demand the return of a baby they had previously given up for adoption, the child has not had several years to bond with someone else. When that does happen, it can be very difficult for a child to give up the “fantasy” of the only parents that child has ever known. This happens rarely but on occasion, especially in the case of a father who did not originally consent to the adoption but is later given custody by a court of law.
I could be therapeutic. I have enjoyed coloring at various times in my life – don’t really have time now. I’m not an “angry” adoptee (just the child of two adoptees that found each other). However, this looks like a really fun way to release some emotions.
From LINK>Amazon where this book is available – The creators hope that being able to vent your feelings and thoughts in this Coloring & Journal book helps you along your healing journey.
Why an angry sweary coloring & journal book? Because punching people in the face is frowned upon, and anger isn’t great for your overall mental and physical health, if you hold on to it – so just let it all out !
As an adult adoptee that struggles with the 7 core issues of being adopted (loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control), I have created this therapeutic coloring book with angry quotes, original sweary coloring illustrations & patterns, journaling prompts and blank doodling pages (extra journal & doodle pages are included at the back).
A beneficial companion to therapy – the coloring pages will help reduce stress and anxiety, promoting mindfulness and reflection as you release your inner most angriest feelings about being adopted, adoption trauma, adoption laws, discrimination, and the adoption industry as a whole.
You don’t have to follow the journaling prompts, you can just write all your thoughts and feelings anywhere you please – this is YOUR healing journey and there are no rules.!
Helpful Tip – Don’t use felt tip markers – it might seep through to the next page. You can use colored pencils or even crayons, if you have them.
PS – I don’t know if the creators or Amazon put those “censored” stickers on the book cover but this was the only illustration I found.
Today’s story is thanks to the Santa Fe Reporter – LINK>Junkyard Girl. Carlyn Montes De Oca lived for 57 years before she found out she’d been adopted. An investigation into her own past to unravel the clues—included interviews with siblings and cousins (all of whom seemed to know more about her than she knew about herself), old photographs and the delusive evidence of memory.
She’d spent her life believing she belonged to a family of six—her parents were Mexican immigrants, and her sister and brothers were first-generation American citizens—who lived in Carpenteria, California. Still, though she always believed she was tied to the family by blood, she had the sense something was missing. Something about her was different, and it kept her at a distance. When a DNA test revealed she shared scant genetic material with her presumptive family, her sister decided to break the promise she’d made to her parents to keep Montes De Oca’s adoption a secret.
Carlyn explains – “For two years I pretty much dealt with this topic by myself. I didn’t realize that there are a lot of other people who have gone through a similar situation—taking a DNA test for fun and suddenly discovering, ‘Holy cow, I’m adopted. I have a sister, I have a brother. This isn’t my parent.’”
Though once it was common to keep adoptions a secret, today only 3% of adopted children in the US aren’t told they’re adopted. Carlyn decided, when she learned she was adopted, that she faced a choice: “The tethers that bound me to my family, the family I grew up with, in some ways were cut. There was a sadness with that, a loss—but also a freedom. It allowed me to stand on my own and to choose what family means to me.”
I know that feeling. Even though my parents’ adoptions were not a secret, they died knowing next to nothing about their origins. I made it my mission to learn about my family’s origins. What I did not expect was how that would make me feel about the “family” I had while I was growing up and actually for over 60 years of my life. They were not actually my blood relatives and it did have an unexpected, profound effect on me. It took some time to re-integrate the adoptive family as being “real” to my lived experience, even as I learned there were actual genetic relatives living their lives with scant, if any at all, knowledge of my existence, nor any knowledge for me of theirs. It takes time to begin to build a bond with the people we discover we are genetically related to but didn’t know for decades of their own lived experiences. It is not an easy process for any of us in this world of severed birth families.
Carlyn contemplates the saying “blood is thicker than water.” Usually this means one’s birth family is the strongest tie. She did meet her birth sister, aunt and mother, but hasn’t maintained a strong relationship with her biological family. I understand, as I related above. Carlyn notes – “For me, it was the family that was not really mine by birth—the water of the womb—but the family I spent my life, my culture, my experiences and love with.” I think it was something like that which allowed me to re-integrate my parents’ adoptive families back into my mental map of what family is.
We choose our families through what we share with them, even if it isn’t blood. This could include our closest friends that become a kind of family for us.
One writes – Was just writing an email to my toddler daughter’s email account (it’s my way of preserving memories in lieu of a baby book) and realized: WOW. I couldn’t believe my birth mother gave up her own flesh and blood as a newborn when I held my daughter for the first time, but I also can’t believe how she’d give up these amazing toddler moments now either. And it’s not like she didn’t know…she had two children of her own already! Just a big F YOU to her. I’m so upset the more children I have, the more I watch them grow. I don’t understand it. I never will. And as much as I guess I love her? I’m still angry. And hurt. Even after all the conversations and heart to hearts. It is all just words. She still gave up her own baby. Later, she adds – I was an affair baby. So I was adopted simply because of who my father was. She had the resources (financially) to keep me. She just didn’t want the shame. If my birth mother had given me up due to lack of resources, I think I would feel much differently. Because that is a system problem, and a society problem. Not so much a personal one.
Another writes – I was pretty “healed” from my adoption trauma until I had my son. It ripped open wounds I forgot I had and gave me a WHOLE new perspective at just how f*cked up both of my moms were. We deserved better and I just remind myself all the time that my baby (possibly babies in the future) will NEVER know that kind of pain.
Yet another – My birth mom kept me for 4 months then put me up for adoption after she found out she was pregnant again. She went on to have and raise 4 children total including the one she was carrying when I was surrendered. I have 5 kids myself and it’s very hard to understand, as a mother.
And this – I know that my birthmother was placed under incredible pressure and everyone told her that if she loved me, she would relinquish me. And, also told her they would put her out on the street if she did not. She did not have access to other voices or assistance. She said no one told her that her body would ache for me and she would spend her life yearning for me. When I see comments from adoptees or former foster care youth that have experienced birthmothers who did not seem to grieve their loss, I feel terrible.
One notes – when we finally got to the point that I could have this talk with my mother, this is the same sentiment she shared. She had a lot of problems and wasn’t much of a mother when I was born. She thought I was getting a better home and a better life. The sadness in her voice when she realized the trauma I endured was… a lot to handle.
And this – I bought into the whole narrative of being grateful for being rescued. I was sure I didn’t even care to know my mother. Then I became one myself. I think that’s the first time it hit me. Whether she was anything special or not, I WAS. I was a precious new life. I should have been protected. I should have been shielded. I should have been wanted enough to cause whatever action was necessary to keep me. I wasn’t. And that’s HER loss… but it was my loss too.
Another – Having my own kids made me so angry about being given up voluntarily and utterly denied the comfort and co-regulation that I needed as a baby and that I saw my kids needing (and of course receiving from me). My birth mother had her reasons, and I quite like her, but ALSO on behalf of tiny, baby me: f- her. Having reasons doesn’t erase the trauma she caused.
One adopted at 7 hours old in a closed adoption writes – My birth mother already had a 2 year old, and gave me up. Then, she had 3 other kids after me. The reasons she gave me will Never. Be. Enough. Being a mom with two kids and seeing all the milestones etc…it just makes me confused and angry all over again, when I think about it. I still have trauma, I’m in counseling but I will never get over it or the feelings, and I will always have unanswered questions because the answers won’t be good enough.
From a mother who gave up her child – I did not know at all the trauma that it would cause my child. There were so many people in my ear telling me how beautiful adoption is and how I’m doing the “right thing” for my daughter. If I would have known then, what I know now, I would have NEVER put my child through that. I was conditioned to believe (based on my own shame and the false positivity all around me) that I was not worthy of caring for my baby. It pains me because it was never about her not being enough, but thinking I wasn’t. There is not a second that goes by where I am not wishing I was having those moments with her and I am mad that I robbed myself and mostly her of that.
Another echoed this – I believed that my son would hate me for keeping him instead of placing him. I believed that by placing him I was doing the very best for him because he would have stability and 2 parents. I never thought that anything bad would happen as a result of placing him. Of course, so many years later, I realized that I could have kept him and we would have been fine. But in 1973, at age 18, I didn’t know.
A woman writes – I have a sister in law who arrived here from an international adoption (and her adopted parents still deny any trauma). They adopted her at 18 months, changed her name and brought her to the US. When we had our own son and he was around that age, it made it so hard to believe that someone thought it was okay to just pretend like the first 18 months didn’t exist. I try to be a very trauma informed person, but having my own child and then thinking about adoption – opened my eyes so much more than anything.
One mother shares – I seriously considered placing my third child for adoption…. Not because I didn’t love him, but it was an unplanned pregnancy and I was already suffering postnatal depression and feeling so incredibly inadequate as a mother to the two toddlers I had; I loved him so fiercely and deeply that I desperately wanted a better mother for him than I believed I was capable of being. At the time, I didn’t really know anything about the trauma it would have caused him.
Finally, this perspective from someone in the field – I have worked with vulnerable children for over twenty years. I have worked with many women who have decided to relinquish their children. This discussion makes things seem like it is an easy decision for a birth mother and there are so many factors involved for each situation. I can’t ever stand in someone else’s shoes and judge the choice that is made. I have spent years with young children / teenagers and young adults in orphanage care (that was in an Asian country) and have tried to be a support to them as they have expressed their anger and hurt, watched them struggle as they have tried to figure out their whys and their who am I questions. My heart aches for these women, it aches for these children. The system is so broken and I don’t have any answers but I don’t want to make assumptions about birth mothers either. Adoption is messy. The world likes to paint this beautiful picture about adoption that is not reality.
A young girl, age 4, lost her mother to suicide at a very young age and her father is unknown. The mother was this woman’s husband’s sister. They had been living with her grandparents but they didn’t refer to the woman as her mother but rather as her auntie. It was selfish of the grandparents not to be honest with her. Her mom died and of course, that is terribly terribly sad. The grandparents are now both in their 70s. The woman’s question was whether adoption or guardianship would be best. The answer was adoption would alter her birth certificate, removing her mother, in effect erasing her. Guardianship would allow the child to stay with them but preserve her mom’s role as that.
A woman with a similar experience shared – You should be talking about her mom often. Father, I’d try to find him if at all possible. You should also have plenty of pictures of mom and her and just mom in your home, that’s all she has left of her mother that she lost so young.
I adopted 2 children whose mother committed suicide. We talked immediately. They were older, and had more understanding but I wouldn’t have changed my approach had they been younger. The truth hurts whether they find out young or older. The conversations started with setting them down, just the 3 of us and saying. In this case, there was already a therapist on board. “Mrs.___ (therapist) just called and told me that your mom died yesterday.” The tears came immediately, and I held them until one asked how she died and what happened.” I said, Mrs.___ said that she K— herself.” They asked “why did she do that?” And I said “your mom was really sad, and her heart was hurting really badly and she did not want to hurt anymore. Your mom did not have anyone to help her when she was feeling bad, and she probably did not think things would ever get better. Sometimes people hurt themselves when they are hurting and don’t know what else to do. Sometimes they just don’t want to live anymore. And sadly, that is how your mom felt.” The youngest said “I hurt like that sometimes too, but I talk to Mrs ___ and you. I guess mama didn’t have anyone to talk to.” I said no, she probably didn’t and I wish she would have. The oldest said “so we won’t ever see her again huh?” I said, not alive, but we will go to her funeral, and you may get to see her in the casket if you want to. She will look like she’s sleeping and Me and Mrs__ will be there to help you and talk to you.”
This conversation is ongoing years later and evolves as it needs to, to help them understand exactly what happened. Obviously, your conversation will look differently because her mom died a few years ago, but she can understand more than you think, and even if she doesn’t understand, she will someday and the conversation is still important.
Every person will need a different approach when discussing tragedy. Not every child will have the same experience with grief or loss. One thing for sure, children who have already experienced trauma have sometimes already seen the worst of the worst. So while the news of their mom’s death was tragic, and heart breaking, it wasn’t a huge surprise. It wasn’t their first discussion regarding suicide or self harm. They had been in therapy and had already talked about many things involved in their mom’s suicide. While they hadn’t seen her in a year, she often talked in visits about being lonely, alone, and sad. I would never answer any questions with “I’ll tell you when you’re a bit older”. If she asks the question, then she’s old enough to take in the answer on her level.
Don’t wait to talk about her mom and the circumstances of her joining your family. Keep it age-appropriate, but honor her mother, and speak about her positively at random times to show her through action and words that it’s perfectly fine for her to bring her up. Make photos and other mementos accessible. With her being so young, she’s not likely to have many clear memories of her mother. If you can share your own happy memories, she will be able to have a deeper picture of the person her mom was.
Deliberately removing mothers cannot possibly be called progress. It is a denial of biological reality and human need. Every child has a mother: the woman who was ‘home’ for nine months, delivered them into this world, and (in most cases) fed them from her own body. A mother and her baby share an intimate and irreplaceable bond–even before the child is born. Beyond birth and breastfeeding, mothers continue to relate to their children in a unique way.
When we delete mothers from our vocabulary and from children’s lives, we are sending the message that there’s nothing special about mothers – any adult will do. But the reality is that every human being needs and longs for their genetic mother. Babies spend nine months preparing to meet the mother they already know and share a relationship with. After birth, mother-infant bonding is of the utmost importance for a child’s healthy development.
Missing Mom 