When Does It Happen ?

From an adoptee – Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I stopped loving my adoptive father. I don’t understand (this isn’t me judging anyone that feels differently) how adults can forgive and still love their abusive parents. I don’t love my father. I used to. Then I was sad. Now indifferent.

I stopped loving him when my daughter arrived because I finally understood how easy it is to love your child.

I don’t know if this is because I’m adopted or because he was abusive. Or maybe combo of the both. I stopped loving him. I know this because when he died, I didn’t care. I had used all my tears up by then. I felt indifferent.

Can you relate?

This person did – my father was abusive. I don’t think I ever loved him. I used to look up to him before I realized how bad the abuse was. When my son started to look more like me than his dad I broke down in tears wondering how he could decide to hurt me. I didn’t cry when he died until several years after, then I cried for the lack of the father I deserved in my childhood. It’s hard for me to love someone whose only job was to love me but completely failed.

blogger’s note – I am winding down how much I post here. Soon, I will be making a long distance move and really won’t have the time but there is a lot here that I think can be helpful and some that another person may want to push back against – it happens – and I am grateful for the reality checks. Wishing all a good holiday season and a better new year (or at least as good of one as life can hand you).

At Best, Unconditional is BS

From a Late Discovery Adoptee (didn’t know they were adopted until late in life) –

Was cleaning out my garage and have made a pile of adoptive family stuff to heave out of my life. Found a letter my adoptive parents’ daughter that she included when sending me the stuff that I told her I do not want. She has never taken any responsibility for her part in deceiving me. She has never attempted to learn anything about the trauma of either adoption or betrayal. Instead she insists she has always loved me unconditionally.

Please.

I see this word used so frequently by adopters and their family members when talking to or about adopted people in the home.

I see how so many of us absolutely hate this language. Hate. It. It’s triggering and often lazy and often used, perhaps unconsciously, to dismiss the feelings and experiences the adopted person is trying to share. The adopter people are feeling uncomfortable, so they whip out unconditional.

I feel like it needs to be added to the list of things to never say to an adopted person. Instead, maybe if the adopters are uncomfortable or feel they need to reassure the adopted person, they could really listen and validate the persons feelings and ask them What can I do to help? What would me reassuring you sound and feel like? How can I help support you? What could I change about our interactions?

I know it’s not just me who thinks unconditional is, at best, bs. Thoughts? Ideas?

An adoptive parent asks – What language would you prefer ? It’s a never win situation for some of us who loved so much, we chose to be there for a stranger’s child as well as our own. Clearly some just choose to be angry at us in lieu of the one that abandoned them. It was a simple question in response to words she didn’t want to hear. I was curious. But clearly some truly don’t want a resolution but choose instead to stew in unnecessary hate.

She replied – it’s not just an issue of language. It’s the intent and the impact as well. Think about this – if I was chosen, that implies that I met some expectation or that they had hopes that I would meet some expectation. Choosing me meant others were not chosen, right ? So then, I fail to live up to any or all of those expectations by say, expressing myself in a way that makes them uneasy. They then “reassure” me that they love me unconditionally. They don’t acknowledge or validate my feelings or apologize or seek to understand. They just try to wave it all away with the Unconditional wand. It’s like shorthand for we don’t care. Or at least, we don’t care enough to actually hold space for you in an authentic way. Just be mollified and move on. I’d much rather be told, yeah, we are disappointed that you don’t feel loved. Or yes, we hoped you would be happy but since you are not, what can we do to be here for you ? Or even, yep, we don’t particularly like you. At least that’s honest.

Another person who was fostered from birth then into a forced adopt at age 10 shares – I was abused by my foster “carer” to adoptress who never really loved me, but I was a good tool to help them have their “miracle bio-children”, once I was in their home. Unconditional Love is a misnomer – it’s easy & lazy to use the phrase, especially when that love is absolutely A1 Conditional. I’m sure as an adopter you now get to own a child that has another history outside of you and your family’s. It is not the same way that my mother was simply and will always be my mother – she was the only one who ever showed me unconditional love – not selfless love, but love without any strings… until she was not permitted to ever see me again or speak with me again. Those were the conditions that a Closed Adoption and a selfish, self-centered adopter and adoption agency made sure would stick for the rest of my life.

Another adoptee noted – Acknowledging their role in my trauma would have been nice.

Lastly from another adoptee – Unconditional love doesn’t exist. Everyone must meet certain conditions for it. But in your case, I think “unconditional” is being directed at you. Because their love for you was conditioned on you not knowing about being adopted. And now that you do know, you’re supposed to act like it never happened ? Definitely appalling disrespect toward you and a betrayal. In general, I find it to be a silencing and manipulation tactic and the opposite of them doing the work of connecting to us, where we are. I never wanted reassurance I was loved. I wanted it shown and it never was.

A Selfless Act Of Love ?

An adoptee asks – does anyone else get really annoyed when people say “adoption is the most selfless act of love” ? Because no ? I think the most unselfish thing for my biological mom to have done would have been to get her life together, so she could parent her child. And I think the most unselfish thing my adoptive parents (and the Div of Family and Child Services) could have done would be to HELP my biological mom get it together, so she could parent her child. I think it was pretty selfish for my biological mom to just give in and give up because SHE couldn’t get it together for a child she created. And I think it’s pretty selfish of my adoptive parents to just take me, no questions asked, because they wanted to. I don’t know. Nothing about my adoption was selfless. None of it was centered around my best interests. I’m just really angry about it today.

One adoptee responds – As a teenager I had the feeling of “why wasn’t I enough” every so often. But when I met my biological family at 18, I was sooo thankful I was adopted. Absolute disgusting trash of a family. My adopted mom may not be perfect but it definitely made me more grateful for her vs what I could’ve grown up in. I think everyone has their own perspectives. Sometimes it is selfless, because the biological family is in no place to raise a kid. Does it suck? Yes. But in my case, I’m thankful I was taken by the state and adopted out.

Another adoptee notes – I met my birth mother who was a POS that gave two of us up separately. I’m glad I wasn’t raised by her, but that in no way negates me losing all my family, my identity, my vital medical info & updates, my background info, potential relationships, not meeting family who have passed, and suffering the trauma of all that & family separation.

Another person says the truth – It is simply something said to make adoption presentable. It’s gross the way words are used – twisted and weaved – to make the idea of something dreadful and repulsive into something lovely and desirable.

A mother of loss shares her own experience – For me it wasn’t a matter of “not getting my shit together”, it was having people actively working against me, preventing me from getting information and resources that I was either legally entitled to or that it was standard practice to provide. There was absolutely no part of me that did not want my child, but between the constant messages of “if you truly love the baby you’ll do this” and “if you don’t do this we’ll take away any bit of choice you do have”, had I been given the chance to “get my life together”, I absolutely would have, but I was denied that chance.

One who was placed with relatives shares – My mother wasn’t abusive, but wasn’t fully functioning either. She’d been raped to conceive me, and she wanted to leave her cheating husband. Her parents flat refused to help. They themselves called Child Protective Services on her and reported her as neglectful and homeless, because they wouldn’t let her move back home with my sister and me. My sister’s uncle ended up taking me in, because the judge wouldn’t give us back to our mother. (Her dad took her.) She didn’t voluntarily give us up, but she did give up fighting for us and moved away from all the thoughts and memories. The people who took me in played house until their own children were born. Then, they emotionally used me as their surrogate and discarded me as a daughter. They could’ve worked to reach out to her and see if she had her stuff together and could raise me.

Another adoptee shares – My adoption was open and I saw the life my birth mom had vs the life I had with my adoptive parents. I do believe it was selfless. I wouldn’t change my situation. My birth mom and I have a relationship now. I have a great relationship with my adoptive parents. She did what she felt was best and I agree. I respect her for it. It was her choice and it was selfless in my opinion.

Sadly, this adoptee had an unhappy experience – I am so glad I was adopted. Yes, I do have resentment towards my adoptive parents for some of the decisions that were made in raising me and with how they handled my adoption. But I did reach out and try to establish a relationship with my birth mother. I wish I never would have because she completely destroyed my life. It took years for me to even begin to come back from what she did. And that’s not even touching on the emotional toll I still have to deal with.

Another one shares – No one offered my biological mom help or support. She was a teenager in foster care with no help. She had no choice. No one would help her or support her. So she did the only thing she could do because she clearly couldn’t take care of me. She had no job, no home, no way to take care of me, no support – nothing. I don’t blame my biological mom since I learned the whole truth. She was a child.

This same woman (from above) is raising her cousin’s daughter and her story is – to me – a genuine selfless act of love – my cousin asked me to adopt her daughter because she was struggling with drug addiction. I was just shocked and in disbelief. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She told me that she didn’t want her daughter to end up in the system. I met with her the next day and brought her EVERY RESOURCE I knew of in the area. Coincidently, I worked for the area and knew all the resources for moms who were using while pregnant. My FIRST RESPONSE was to run to her, hug her and tell her this is not your only choice. Let me help you. I can get you into treatment and you can stay with your baby at these places. I know the owners, I can get you in. Plus other resources. I explained to her my adoption trauma and how I would never wish that for anyone. I gave her all the resources and told her I wanted her to look at them. Like really look at them. I would support her however I could, even taking placement until she got on her feet. Several weeks later, she said she still wanted to give her daughter to me and she wants me to adopt her vs guardianship because she doesn’t want Child Protective Services in her life – EVER – which would happen, even if her daughter wasn’t in her custody. So eventually, I agreed on one condition… she stays in her daughter’s life… she was so thankful and grateful. We talk almost everyday. She’s that girl’s mama and always will be.

Another adoptee admits – I think the most selfless thing my first mother could have done would be having an abortion instead of birthing me. My siblings feel similarly (both those kept and those relinquished). And taking a baby and pretending it’s yours, so you can play house and pretend to be its parent, is not selfless to me.

An adoptee struggles with the trope as well – I struggle with the selfless narrative, we hear as well (and some of us are) mothers who you couldn’t pry away from our children, we’d do any and everything to keep them and do our best by our children. Giving your kid away is the opposite, letting someone else worry about feeding, clothing and raising them isn’t selfless, it’s selfish. The adoptive parents rushing in isn’t selfless, they’re selfishly taking someone else’s child.

And there was this compassionate response – My birth mother was gang raped (I found this out a couple years ago). I was conceived pre-Roe v Wade. She didn’t have a choice, unless she wanted to get a back alley abortion. So, what you’re saying is she is supposed to raise me & live that rape everyday ? I’ve always been very pro choice , so give women a right to have an abortion & fight for it!! If the current administration coming in has its way, there’s going to be lots more women & children in my situation & that makes me very angry!!

From another adoptee – I hate hearing it. Because it makes it seem beautiful that I was abandoned. Which it was not. It’s the greatest wound of my life. What would’ve been beautiful would’ve been the adoption agents actually helping my relatives somehow. Not forcing my mother to sign papers, so I could be shipped abroad. Nothing about it feels selfless. It feels wrong and so sad. While I love my adoptive parents, I hate what happened for me to get here.

And this reality check – If giving up a child is “loving, brave and selfless,” does that mean parents who keep and raise their own children are “unloving, cowardly and merciless?”

And this happens to other mothers of loss – It WAS selfish of me. Adoption offered all these perfect “answers” to allllllll the “problems” that faced me. And since I was given the opportunity to become a living embodiment of a “family building angel” I ate it up. As horrible as it is, I must admit that it felt good to be told I was smart and wise and strong and selfless. I was desperate for that validation and acknowledgment from anyone in my life and of course only the agency offered it. I drank it up. And came home from relinquishing believing in some innate goodness. Which is probably one of the things that kept me alive in the dark times after. I didn’t have to face his father. I didn’t have to face my family. I didn’t have to hear the whispers and gossip ( that existed in my head.. in reality no one would have cared in a few months. So what? I spared myself a few months if discomfit?) I didn’t have to alter my life plans. I didn’t have to even try. And not to end this on a defensive note, but as a kindness to my younger self, she also didn’t know. She didn’t know at 19 that we had a strength within us that would be able to achieve great things in this lifetime. I had no idea what I was capable of and no idea that it wasn’t what they promised it would be. I knew I would hurt and I was willing to take it for the greater good. So I forgive myself and offer grace for what we didn’t know. But it was still a terrible mistake. And yes, indeed a root in selfishness and self preservation. Relinquishment is a desperate act based on survival built on faulty lies as a foundation.

Just one last one – Angry with my adoptive mother – yes. Towards my adoptive father I feel differently because he fostered my relationship with my biological family after my adoptive parents divorced. He never stopped being my bestie and a driving force in my positive mental health. I never was able to fill the shoes my adoptive mother had in her fantasies. I frequently find myself angry about it and found her to be VERY selfish. My biological grandmother gave me away, without my biological mother’s consent.

Jealousy After Abandonment

Today’s story – I was abandoned by my birth mother at 8 weeks old and my birth father gave up his rights before I was born. I was left in a house for a week long while my birth mother went on a drug binder. Her roommate is the one that called the police and my grandma. My grandparents become my legal guardians with in the week. At 5 years old I was legally adopted by my grandparents. I do call them mom and dad and those are the terms I will be using here since they are all I know! My mom has 3 children from a previous marriage (my biological mother being one of them) and my dad has 3 children as well. I do have 3 half brothers and 1 I am super close with (we share the same biological mother) and my mom and dad also adopted him when he was 16 years old. I will not be sharing his story, just noting that there was a lot of abuse!

Growing up I never really fit in with my siblings (actually my aunts & uncles), other than my biological brother. They never wanted my parents to adopt me. My dad’s daughter literally cut him out of her life because of it. Both of my mom’s daughters never failed to make me feel out of place. Constantly reminding me that I was “adopted” and therefore, not “blood”. Which technically I am… One of my mother’s daughters would always bring it up, whenever my mom and her got in an argument, even if it was not about me. Mind you, there is over a 20 year difference between that daughter and myself. By the time I was born, she was married with 2 kids. Any time my parents did anything for me, it was “you treat her better than me and I’m your blood daughter”, even if they actually did the same things for her. Anytime I would be hospitalized and my parents would stay at the hospital with me, it would turn into “you spend all your time with her and she’s not even your real daughter”.

Then, she does admit – I had a lot of behavioral issues growing up due to my adoption trauma, so anytime I would have “out bursts” and she was around, she would yell at my mom “are you really gonna let her treat you this way, She’s not even your real daughter. You need to put her in her place”. Comments like that. Her own dad was a “dead beat” dad. So any time my dad would be a dad, she would get pissed. Even though my dad always treated her with respect and never tried to be her dad but he’s all I know. Plus both my mom and dad do so much for her. If she comes for a visit and I’m not there, she wants to know why I’m not helping. My parents are older and have health issues and so, I do my best to take care of them because I only live 10 minutes away.

My mom recently had major back surgery. I went to the hospital and then, cooked for 2 weeks straight – so my dad could focus on my mom and they both could eat good. Well she ended up coming down and my mom asked her to make dinner. She said “ I don’t know how to cook” even though she was a cook for 10 years at a restaurant…. She did end up cooking dinner and I went over there to eat with them. At the dinner table, she made the statement “I don’t cook as much as she does, so it probably won’t be good”… but it was good and everyone said that. It was nice to have someone cook for me as well but she complained that I didn’t help.

The happy news – I got married on October 3rd and so, she will no longer be in my life because I’m tired of putting up with her trying to make me feel small and saying that I do not belong. That is because there were conflicts on the day of her marriage that she was directly responsible for and issues related to her birth mother who is in jail but knows information about her and her brother that appear to have come from this sister/aunt, even though she knows about the abuse and trauma that both of them have endured. Anyway, she says that she is really hurt, heartbroken in fact, and can’t help but think it hurts even more because she is adopted. She notes – That I never felt “at home” or whatever but I always tried to be nice, respectful, and loving and even when I felt like she thought I was not deserving of love.

Another adoptee shares – I’m so sorry! Yes in my experience it has been other family members making adoption feel less than. I feel like I don’t have a family unless I am impervious to being offended and a major people pleaser.

Too Inconvenient ?

A friend who knows I write this blog, sent me an article about a baby stolen from her family in Korea to feed the demand for adoptable babies in the US. However, I have written about that issue more than once. Below that article was another one that caused me to go – oh Wow !!

Here is that story from Slate by Allison Price – LINK>My Sister-in-Law Asked Us to Adopt Her Twins Because She Missed Her Old Life. Somehow, We Said Yes.

Last year, when our kids were 3 and 4, we decided to explore adoption and/or fostering, as we felt like we still had room and love for more children in our life. Around the same time, my sister-in-law got married and pregnant with twins. She had never expressed much desire to have children and was definitely stressed to discover it was twins. When the twins were about 6 weeks old, they all came to stay with us for a weekend to attend SIL’s friend’s wedding, during which we agreed to watch the babies. They ended up texting around 11 p.m. that they’d had more to drink than they’d planned and the party was still going, so would we mind if they just got a hotel room and we’d keep watching the babies overnight? We were fine with it. The next day, when it was 3 p.m. and they still weren’t back and hadn’t answered any texts, my husband called them. They’d decided to take advantage of sleeping in, had brunch then had a few shops they wanted to check out, and thought it was a nice break from the babies.

Two weeks after the wedding, they asked to come visit us again. They told us that having twins was significantly more difficult than either of them had imagined and they were really missing their previous life and the ability to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. They said they knew we were considering adoption and wondered if we would take in their twins. They thought it would be the best solution as they could continue to see them and be involved in their lives (at their convenience). My husband and I were shocked. We spent the next month talking to them about it more and went to multiple counseling sessions with them. I went to the obstetrician with my SIL to discuss the possibility of postpartum depression affecting everything. The outcome of it all was that they didn’t want to be parents and wanted us to take the kids. Ultimately, we drew up a legal agreement, they surrendered parental rights and we adopted the twins.

We absolutely love the babies and feel like our family is complete now, but I don’t know how to interact with my brother-in-law and SIL anymore. I lost all respect for them when they basically admitted that their kids were an inconvenience they wanted to be rid of. (When we asked what they would do if we didn’t adopt them, they said they were considering other private adoption options.) It’s been a year, and everyone in my husband’s family just acts like what they did was perfectly normal. My BIL and SIL have even asked us not to tell the twins we aren’t their biological parents, which goes against the legal agreement we all signed. We plan to be open and honest with them about how they came to be a part of our immediate family. It’s so bizarre to me that everyone thinks this was a perfectly appropriate thing to do.

Asked advice – Is there a way to discuss this with them?

The Advice Columnist said – First and foremost, it sounds like you need to know whether the terms of your adoption agreement are legally enforceable, or whether some of the terms of the adoption can be changed.

How you talk with your brother-in-law and sister-in-law about disclosing the adoption to the twins needs to come from a well-informed decision that you and your husband make. Adoption can mean a lot of joy, love, and comfort, but it can also mean trauma, confusion, and anger. I foresee a lot of those latter feelings for these twins, knowing that their birth parents (who they will presumably develop a relationship with) saw them as inconveniences to be surrendered.

Keeping this important truth from them—one that is central to their identities—is likely to feel like a betrayal once the twins inevitably find out. You need to do a lot of research on open and kinship adoptions to be sure you’re making the decision that is right for your family and these twins; if you haven’t already, find a support group where you can crowdsource resources and feedback. Then you’ll be able to inform the birth parents and the rest of the family how you will be proceeding regarding disclosing to the twins. Make no mistake: No matter who else in the family has what opinions, this is ultimately you and your husband’s call as the legal parents.

It is a bizarre situation you are in—not just the surrender of the kids, but the supposed blasé attitude of the rest of the family. You sound understandably unclear about how you’re even going to maintain a relationship with your BIL and SIL, given how this has played out. Keep an eye on the family dynamics here; while I hope everyone can exude love and grace around these children and their adoption, I worry that this inauspicious start might signal more drama and discomfort to come. I hope I’m wrong, but that’s all the more reason to find a support group, and maybe also a therapist for you and your husband, to help you make sense of this unique dynamic. Good luck.

The Trauma Response

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your tender heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent by choice or by the circumstance of working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but no offered no safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships that always took more than they gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From the lies. The betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Ultra-independence is a trust issue.

You learned: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball… because they will always drop the ball sooner or later, right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Ultra-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.
So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is vulnerability.

“Never again,” you vowed.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s trauma response.

The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of having your heart held.
You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.

You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.

You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy.

You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to prove it.
You don’t have to bargain for it.
You don’t have to beg for it.

You are worthy.
Worthy.

Simply because you exist.

~ Jamila White

Nonverbal Learning Disabilities

Many of us learned by witnessing the effect of non-verbal learning disability in the reaction of Gov Tim Walz son while his dad was making his keynote speech this week at the Democratic National Convention. I saw it. What I noticed was how his mother and sister immediately supported him.

My youngest son was uncontrollably emotional when he was very young. So much so, that we avoided triggering a crying spell as much as possible. I do not believe he has this disability but my heart really does understand it. I am thankful he has outgrown that tendency.

All 3 of my guys are most likely Asperger syndrome people. They are very highly intelligent and quirky in their own ways. Probably also a bit OCD. Heck, I may be a bit of all of that myself. LOL

My youngest is also my love bug and would often console me when his older brother upset me with I ❤ U notes to put against my chest. He still prefers a peaceful environment and not upset.

In a cruel shameless fashion some far right persons issued critical comments about Gus and his emotional love for his dad. I’ve seen my own husband tear up with something emotional really touched his heart. I’ve always thought that beautiful.

Because I am familiar with certain quirky personality traits in my own home, I went looking for more information about NVLD. If you would like to know more, here is a link to get you started – LINK>Possible Signs of NVLD.

Biology and What’s Possible

A thought and a question in my all things adoption group today – Biology programs us to prefer the children we gave birth to. You can try to be “fair” but I firmly believe biology and the subconscious takes over. This is how it’s supposed to be. It’s natural instincts. What does it say about biological connection when one says they love a stranger’s natural child the same or just as much? How do biological children in the home feel about this? Is it really possible?

Some replies –

A woman who spent time in foster care, writes – As a biologist, and just someone who can read research, children’s risk factors for abuse increase with a step parent in the home. I can imagine the risk increases as an adopted child. Our biology literally hardwires us to support our family lineage over non. We’re one of several species who will take in non blood others however. As someone who’s mother preferred other children over her own, I couldn’t say. I think my mom wanted a doll baby, not kids.

Someone backs that up with a PubMed.NCBI.NLM.NIH.gov study abstract, an excerpt – Children residing in households with adults unrelated to them were 8 times more likely to die of maltreatment than children in households with 2 biological parents. The risk of maltreatment death was elevated for children residing with step, foster, or adoptive parents. Risk of maltreatment was not increased for children living with only 1 biological parent.

One adoptee shares – Having my own children really bought home the difference. My son had to go into NICU after he was born for a few days. I had an anxiety attack. I’ve never had an anxiety attack before or since. Another with a similar experience mentions the book LINK>Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel. (blogger’s note – that book’s page touches a deep sadness in me as my daughter ended up being raised by her dad and a step-mother. McDaniel notes – “a mother can’t give her daughter what she doesn’t have.” I didn’t have the financial resources to support us. An interesting coincidence – my daughter ended up spending many days breastfeeding my grand-daughter in NICU.)

Another woman notes – I started learning more about the issues with adoption, while I was pregnant, but once I gave birth it was permanently engraved in my mind – I will never take away another mom’s babies. An adoptee responds to that with – Having my baby was a painful wake up call once I realized how different my experience with my adoptive parents was to what’s natural. And what it meant to lose the natural connection with my first mom in infancy. Yet another adoptee shares – my second baby was a 27 week preemie. I was horrified at the thought of not being there for him and for him experiencing what I did (being left alone in a hospital for two months). He was only allowed out of the humicrib once a day, so I would express and then have him skin to skin for as long as I could. I would lie like that for hours, until I had to either pee or express again. The nurses told me they had never seen anyone stay for hours like this. I was just so terrified he would suffer long term effects like I do.

There is always possible yet another perspective – I love my adopted kids the same as my biological ones. I also love my besties kids the same. My heart swells with love for the littles who call me Nanny that are not related to me at all. I love all my parents. I have natural, adopted and step parents. There is no shortage of love that a heart can give. That is just my personal opinion, of course. To which another responds – I’ll go ahead and say it. It’s true. Even if you don’t want to admit it’s true; it’s true. I love every kid I’ve ever taken care of, I love my friends kids, my nieces, and my nephews but the love I have for my biological son will always be different. Now, that doesn’t mean that I treat them different because I don’t but the love is just… different.

One raised by a step-mother writes – Growing up there was absolutely a difference in how my step mom felt towards me compared to my siblings (who were all hers). I was the only one from my father’s previous marriage. It was very tough. She will be the first to tell you that she did NOT love me the same. She struggled severely with depression and anxiety, a lot of which was spurred by how much she wanted to love me like her other kids, but couldn’t bring herself to.

To be fair to her, she was young when she married my dad and I was already 3. She also didn’t know she would become a primary parent in my life as my mom had legal custody (blogger’s note, very much like what happened with my daughter). She stood by my dad’s side as he fought for full custody (blogger’s note – which my ex never attempted to my knowledge) when it was needed because she knew it was right, but she did not think she was signing up to raise me when she married him.

Now, if you asked her now about our relationship, she would tell you that secretly she loves me more than her own kids (as both my parents like to tell me) and she relies more on me than any of them. It took a loooooot of building over many years, though, and it certainly wasn’t natural. It was hard, hard work. (blogger’s note – I know that my daughter has very strong, positive feelings towards her step-mother, who actually stepped into very similar circumstances when she married my daughter’s father. Her being there to give my daughter a family with siblings had a lot to do with me not fighting to regain physical custody of my daughter, which I had never expected to give up. It sort just came to pass over time.)

A note from a legal professional – The way biological vs. non-bio family are treated in estate plans tells me you are 100% correct. Adopters put on a good front in public and on their social media pages, but when it comes time to choose, they always choose blood.

Also, as an actual mother, the feeling I have for each of my children is deeply engrained in me. It’s a biological connection that was triggered during pregnancy and heightened during birth. If you’ve never given birth, you cannot understand this instant bond. It is not the same as anything you’ve experienced in your life so don’t even try to say “I felt an instant bond to my adopted child” because while there may be some truth to that, it does not compare. Period.

On another note, I do think men are capable of connecting to non-bio children easier than women. This is based off the stories I’ve heard from adoptees (not my own lived experience) so take it with a grain of salt.

One final one from the sibling of international adoptees – I always thought this was a weird thing my parents said about my adopted siblings. It didn’t make me feel “slighted” but the pendulum swung HARD as they continued to try and prove the adopted kids were “just as loved”, which resulted in us bio kids never really getting much care from our bio parents. And to be clear my parents had NO business taking in more children – since they had 5 biological children of their own and a kinship placement, when they decided to adopt 4 foreign teenagers with SEVERE trauma. My adopted siblings deserved more care and time than they got, while the biological kids still drowned on their own anyways, due to a lack of time/care.

I think we were in a weird case, where my parents didn’t actually like or want children and they adopted purely for the savior complex and social media accolades. Most of the bio kids have been cut off for various reasons but my parents have never stopped publicly loving their internet sensations. Many of the people around them have pointed out they could care less about the kids who don’t give them a good public image.

She adds this disclaimer- I do not blame or hold any resentment towards my adopted siblings at all in this regard.

Seeking To Do Better

An adoptee with a challenging start in life but having done a lot of work to heal herself writes today – My mother was adopted at birth, and raised by a mom with substance abuse and alcohol use disorder. She suffered the same, and then I was adopted at age 8 and grew up in poverty before adoption and my adoptive parents used to tell me I should not have kids. Then because of all that I struggled with substance abuse disorder alcohol use etc, and human trafficking.

Now, I have been drug-free since 2015 and alcohol-free since 2019, went to college and graduated in behavioral science. I am in a very stable environment, have done a lot of healing, and am about to get married. We are family planning responsibly. We are both employed, college educated, etc, basically, everything I didn’t have growing up…. but my marriage also propelled me into a financial class I did not grow up in. Money does not buy parenting skills.

I just started therapy as well to get ahead of the game, but I am worried I will be a bad parent because of how I grew up. All those parenting classes and nurse family programs I see are only for low-income families. I think there is an assumption in the “parenting class” industry that only low-income people need to learn about how to be good parents. She asks – Is there some type of support group for parents with familial trauma, or anything like that ? just to have people to check in with ?

One adoptee shared encouragement – I think the fact that you’re concerned you’ll be a bad parent and have identified reasons why puts you ahead of the game. Awareness is huge. I’m a parent. I was emotionally mistreated by my mom. A lot of my parenting ability comes from treating my child in a way that I needed to be treated at that age, while also recognizing that my child isn’t me. Understanding that behavior is a form of communication is important too. Kids don’t need much. They need love and support. They need to be heard without judgement. They need structure and boundaries and clear expectations. They’re humans in small bodies and can understand much more than most people give credit for. It’s the easiest/hardest job. You got this!

As a resource, one suggests this – look into the LINK>Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP) – Parent Info Forum. Its a music protocol that helps with emotional regulation as well as CPTSD and Dissociation. Life changing for my parenting game and in general, I was adopted from foster care at 12 with a history of complex trauma. I have 5 kids now !

An adoptive parent notes – Advice columnist LINK>Carolyn Hax in the Washington Post often recommends parenting classes in her live chats, and her column is read by people at all income levels. There are definitely some very wealthy terrible parents out there. It sounds like you have worked really hard to get to a good place. That says a lot about you. If you want to have kids, then do the classes and workshops (some may be available online), read parenting books, maybe read about trauma (if you haven’t already). In fact, a lot of books about parenting children from tough places actually help the reader/parent too. If you decide at some point that you don’t want to be a parent, that is a perfectly valid decision. But you are doing the work to heal yourself and if you have kids, I’m sure you’ll be a great parent.

Here is a list of some of the books she has read that helped her as a parent and human being. [1] Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors-Robyn Gobbel, [2] What Happened to You-Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry, [3] The Connected Child – Karyn B. Purvis, David R Cross, [4] The Explosive Child – Dr. Ross W. Greene, [5] Help for Billy-Heather T. Forbes and [6] The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel A. van der Kolk (blogger’s note – in fact, he is featured in the most recent issue of Time Magazine – LINK>Why People Still Misunderstand Trauma.)

A kinship adoptive parent offered more encouragement – Bad parenting is not a class/wealth problem. Everything I’ve learned about discipline boils down to “do the opposite of what my parents did,” and lots of people looked to them for advice because everyone who didn’t live with them thought very highly of them. If you want to have kids, don’t limit yourself by your adoptive parents’ issues. You can get therapy, take parenting classes, etc. and be a super awesome parent.

Another noted – You are aware and will stop the generational trauma. You will do great.

An adoptee who became an adoptive parent writes – I did LINK>Circle of Security. It was great and it’s been very helpful to help me understand how my trauma (not from adoption) plays into and against my child’s.

One adoptee explains their reasoning regarding choosing not to become a parent – Many reasons, of course, but a big one was my lack of family support that others could count on. I was adopted shortly after birth but my adoptive family was garbage and my adoptive parents were both dead by the time I was 30, after which the extended family ghosted me. I would have had no trusted people to help me care for my child. So I definitely get it. I hope you’re able to find the kind of help you’re seeking and, yeah, parenting classes focusing on family trauma/loss would benefit a whole lot of of people.

An adoptive parent added a couple of additional resources…LINK>The Connected Parent by Karyn Purvis and Lisa Qualls. And on Instagram, Gottman institute has links to resources/classes they offer. And also on Instagram, Raising Yourself. (blogger’s note – I don’t “do” Instagram, so you are on your own there.)

One person added – I would strongly consider LINK>Mommy and Me or other similar parenting support groups. Classes are great and all, but you can learn a lot from being with other parents. When watching others, you can generally get a feeling for what’s right and what’s not (making excuses for your child when they hit someone is not ok, and neither is hitting the child) and what is better (listening to the child’s feelings and validating how big it is even if you don’t necessarily give in is pro parenting). Watching others can tell you a lot about what to do and a lot about what not to do, plus you’ll get other adult/parent interaction out of the deal…which is kind of hard to get as a new parent.

One person sums up “the ultimate goal” is to remember to be a basically genuine presence with your child (that exact person), switching to their perspective when necessary, and to have love, respect and protection always at the forefront, no matter what parenting style you choose or the specific parent/child relationship you have.

Often Not The Fairy Tale

Today’s story is sad but all too often true for some adoptees in reunion.

The definition of a Fairy Tale is a story in which truth prevails over lies, generosity comes to be rewarded, obstacles are overcome by hard work and love, good triumphs over evil and mercy and kindness are the greatest powers. And sometimes this simply doesn’t match the reality. Here’s the story –

My adoptive parents are dead and were amazing to me. A few years ago, I met the birth parents. I have a hard time using the word parents for them because they’ve done nothing but hurt me. I was raised to be kind forgiving and loving but these people are everything but. Several times per week, I am insulted and tore down and it makes me cry. They are married to each other and apparently a perfect fit. Both exhibit 9 out of 10 traits of narcissism. They’ve tried to get me fired at work, tried to end my marriage, tried make my friends hate me, and essentially try to cut me off from everyone because they think I should be the person they think I should be. Every time he makes me cry he laughs. They’ve held grudges and gotten mad at me for having a sick child or being sick themselves. I had a very long hard struggle with cancer (genetic I might add) that I have deficits from and they tell me to stop having excuses. When my mom died, they told me they were glad she was dead. And the list goes on and on. I’m stupid, I’m a liar (but they refuse to let me know what I supposedly lied about), and my entire life is worthless according to them. I’m struggling because society says I have to want to be with them but I don’t. They hurt me so deeply and so often I feel sick. I don’t want to be an a**hole but I had no idea how mentally abusive they are. The rest of their family minus the bio grandma is crazy. What should I do? I want to cut contact but I know I’ll get push back. Has anyone navigated anything similar? I’ve tried to make this relationship work for 3 years and it isn’t working. And all I get is people guilting me into thinking I need to maintain this toxic relationship.

One comment noted – your experience shows another side of the adoptee reunion story. Many times adoptive or foster parents get criticized for “having stolen” from the child in their care, the right to be with their birth families. Some adoptees fantasize what their birth families are / were… but sometimes, in reunion, they find those birth parents are not the fairy tale they imagined.