Something I Can Do

Today, I read a question in my all things adoption (which includes foster care) – I have a quick question regarding fostering. From time to time, local advocacy groups will try to find families to temporarily foster Muslim children. There’s not a ton of Muslims in our state, and most foster agencies/related organizations are Christian run and not interested in respecting a child’s religious or cultural background. Somewhere somehow, a Muslim volunteer gets involved and desperately tries to find a family to take the child in. Is it, in this situation, ethnical or morally okay for me to take the child in temporarily? I am not super familiar with the foster system, but I have the resources to care for another child temporarily and would do so only with reunification in mind. I just don’t want to cause harm.

One response led me to the organization who’s logo I am using as an image today – Michigan has a large Muslim population and we have a support organization that walks favors the process of being a foster parent AND provides reunification supports for the parents. If you can provide temporary care, and the children have been removed from their parents’ care, please offer a home that is culturally aware.

One adoptee noted – So often Muslim children are thrown into Christian homes and their beliefs aren’t respected out of ignorance or worse. The reality is foster parents are needed, that’s not going to change in the near future. Remember, the goal is foster care is reunification. You should be working with mom and dad, not against them.

Another adoptee notes – If your can fully support reunification in an informed way, you’d be an ideal placement for a Muslim child who needs to remain in their community or culture of origin. The Muslim view on adoption would be respected by you in a way it wouldn’t be by most foster parents, should the case plan change from reunification. You’d still be voluntarily interacting with a corrupt system so it wouldn’t be 100% ethical, but any children, especially Muslim children, would likely have a far better outcome being placed with you vs the other foster parents in your area.

One social worker wrote – it is ok to take the child in if you are respectful of food choices (such as no pork) and are willing to provide access to their religious preferences such as taking them to a mosque.

So I searched and found the LINK>Muslim Foster Care Association. Their impact statement reads – we strive to enable Muslim children in the foster care system to thrive, flourish and be their best as human beings, Muslims, and contributing members of society. Every year we serve over 200 Muslim children in the foster care system throughout Michigan and with the help of our generous donors, raise thousands of dollars to fund our programs. Our goal is to create innovative solutions to the challenges faced by Muslim youth in various stages of their transition.

So for anyone who wants to do something more than protest the situation in Gaza, I am happy to lend awareness to this organization. I realize that supporting this organization does NOT impact what is happening in the Middle East. This is just some people trying to make a positive difference here in the US.

Desperate Circumstances

I have great sympathy for woman who find themselves pregnant and alone, facing the imminent birth of their child unsupported. Both of my adoptee parents’ mothers were such women; and in fact, both of my sisters were as well. In desperate circumstances, many women have chosen the permanent solution of adoption (surrendering their child) to their temporary problem of inadequate resources.

This morning, I found myself once again reading the story of Steve Inskeep, who is the co-host of NPR’s Morning Edition. Today it was in The Atlantic. An article titled LINK>No One’s Children. Twice, back in 2021, I wrote a blog here that mentions Steve Inskeep. While he downplays at times how much it means to him to know his story, it keeps popping up, which leads me to believe it DOES matter to him as much as it has mattered to me. I think he has finally fully absorbed that and concludes the latest in The Atlantic with – “Adoptees have a right to their own history.” I could not agree more. I know how much what I now know of my own biological and genetic family means to me personally.

The first one I wrote that mentioned him was in late March 2021 LINK>Adoptees Deserve Better. Then a second time in early April 2021 LINK>A Deep Yearning, after I had read and in that blog, linked his op-ed in The New York Times from March 28th – I Was Denied My Birth Story. So today was now the 3rd time. I rest my case that it actually matters a lot to him. The Atlantic piece is longer. I am glad that someone with a bit of name recognition keeps telling the adoptee story.

Following the mention of E Wayne Carp in Inskeep’s Atlantic piece – I discovered that the author had written several adoption related books. Books by him include in 1998 – Family Matters, Secrecy and Disclosure in the History of Adoption. And then in 2004 – Adoption Politics, Bastard Nation & Ballot Initiative. Finally in 2014 – Jean Paton and the Struggle to Reform American Adoption. None of these have I read. However, in searching for that author, I discovered Rudy Owens.

Owens has written a memoir – LINK>You Don’t Know How Lucky You Are. On New Year’s Day in this 2024 year, he posted a YouTube reflecting on Adoptee Rights. Echoing Rudy Owens today, I say – “This blog of mine is my best effort to support adoptee rights. It would be a wonderful thing if I could go to Denmark and meet some of my own biological relatives on my dad’s paternal side. It is true, my dad was a bastard. His young mother had an affair with a married man, not yet an American citizen. Therefore, she was pregnant and alone. As a resourceful woman, she handled the situation the best she could.”

If The Heavens Have Feelings

Kati Pohler with her adoptive parents

The story tells of an intense desperation to hide a pregnancy. You can read the full piece at this LINK>After Receiving a 20-Year-Old Letter, Woman Discovers the Truth About Her Birth Parents. Due to China’s one-child policy, a couple pregnant with their second child hide by moving from place to place, eventually living on a boat at the end of the mother’s pregnancy. Out of fear, they deliver their own child on the boat with the father using a pair of sterilized scissors to cut the umbilical cord himself. Next, they left the baby in the market with a note attached –

“Our daughter, Jingzhi, was born at 10am on the 24th day of the seventh month of the lunar calendar, 1995. We have been forced by poverty and affairs of the world to abandon her. Oh, pity the hearts of fathers and mothers far and near! Thank you for saving our little daughter and taking her into your care. If the heavens have feelings, if we are brought together by fate, then let us meet again on the Broken Bridge in Hangzhou on the morning of the Qixi Festival in 10 or 20 years from now.”

The Qixi Festival is a Chinese festival celebrating the annual meeting of Zhinü and Niulang (the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl) who are characters found in Chinese mythology. They appear in a Chinese folk tale about the romance between them. The festival is celebrated on the seventh day of the seventh lunisolar month on the Chinese lunisolar calendar. This story became a BBC documentary titled Meet Me on the Bridge.

I encourage you to watch the YouTube. It gives the perspectives of the birth parents, adoptive parents and the adoptee. I read that Katie returned to China to learn more about the country she was born in and is teaching English. I don’t know whether she is still there or not.

Ending November

National Adoption Awareness Month can mean an adoptee feels heard. Or it can be an opportunity with the spotlight shining on adoption to discuss the trauma of being adopted. Some adoptees prefer to share what they feel are the positive things and people being adopted brought them. Every adoptee has a different story to tell but maybe the greatest relief is knowing there are others out there with the same experiences, that we are not alone. Less than 10 days left in this year’s adoption awareness month.

Mardi Link writes in the Traverse City Record Eagle on Nov 20 2022 – LINK> Happy National Adoption Month – “Being adopted isn’t just for babies, it doesn’t last for a single month and the brief burst of celebratory attention lavished on an institution designed to ‘save’ people like me feels jarring.”

She acknowledges – The press releases, celebrity baby adoption photo spreads and international infant rescue stories leave no space to narrate the lifelong complexity of a system which often provides adoptees with no agency over their own lives. For example, I’ve been on a 30-year mission to obtain every page of my medical, adoption, foster care and genealogical records. I’ve had some success at this mostly because I haven’t stopped asking after being told no.

Mardi notes – As a baby, I spent months in foster care before I was adopted. Somewhere, there are records and I want them. They’re mine. If National Adoption Month was really meant to raise awareness about the lifelong requirements of adoptees, the folks behind this celebration would have developed a mechanism for us to use to access our records.

She affirms – We’re also not going away. I’m still filing Freedom of Information Act requests on myself and I’m still writing polite letters. We have to be polite — we can’t ever appear angry or even conflicted about a system everyone else seems to celebrate.

This is the kind of reality that is an every day occurrence for adoptees – Last month, an Michigan Department of Health and Human Services adoption analyst responded to my latest inquiry with a copy of a typed telephone message delivered to the Children’s Aid Society in December of 1961. “Booth hospital telephoned to report Patricia delivered a baby girl at 8:15 a.m. Birth weight six pounds and seven ounces.” That baby was me. Until last month, I didn’t know what time I was born or what my birthweight was.

In my going nowhere efforts with the state of Virginia where my adoptee mom was born, that is the kind of information I would have liked to have received – the hospital’s name, the time my mom was mom, what she weighed. But alas, no. Not without a court order and that means an expensive legal representative and no guarantee of success. Sometimes, we just have to let some details be unresolved. Like why my grandfather abandoned my grandmother and baby mom. Like why my grandmother was sent away from her family in Tennessee to Virginia to give birth to my mom. When she left Tennessee and when she arrived in Virginia. Where she went to wait out her pregnancy until my mom was born. All I can do is make up stories.

Mardi ends her article with Happy National Adoption month. I question whether happy is the right word to attach to it – unless you are an adoptive parent who got what they wanted – someone else’s baby.

The Rights of a Non-Surrendering Father

This is such a complicated case. It really took reading through the lengthy legal opinions regarding this case (Kruithoff v. Catholic Charities of W. Mich. – In re Doe) to try and make some sense out of the situation. I leave it to my readers if they have that much interest to wade through the complexities. Below I will include a couple of reasonable arguments made in descent.

What is involved is the Michigan Safe Delivery of Newborns Law (SDNL) which is intended to prevent the abandonment of unwanted infants. The mother gave birth under her maiden name. There is also an indication that she was taking Methadone during pregnancy, so that the infant was born addicted to that substance. She also made allegations of domestic violence against the father, while acknowledging that she was still legally married at the time of the infants birth. She did not provide the father’s name.

Known or unknown to her was that the father had filed a petition for divorce and request for the custody of his unborn child the day before the mother gave birth. That is a part of the complication in the determination of this case.

It was never determined whether the paternal custody of the child was in the best interests of the child or whether the accusations of domestic violence were warranted.

Upon voluntary surrender by the mother at the hospital where she gave birth, custody of the infant was given to Catholic Charities. It appears they did not knock themselves out to identity, locate or notify the father. The father is trying to regain custody of his now 3 yr old son. The story has been published by a Grand Rapids Michigan newspaper with the title – Biological father sues Catholic Charities over newborn’s adoption.

Even as difficult as it has been for the courts to sort this one out, it is difficult to know what the best interests of the child are at this point. Both the surrendering and the non-surrendering parents had their rights terminated prior to the finalization of adoption proceedings.

At the end of the legal record were these statements of dissent.

To presume that it would somehow be in Doe’s best interest-the standard under the SDNL-to rip him from the arms of the only family he has known and place him with a stranger, as if Doe was somehow a mere piece of property instead of a living person.

The Legislature therefore enacted a policy that prefers to err on the side of protecting the safety of the child and of the surrendering parent, even at the possible detriment to the nonsurrendering parent.