Really Missing The Point

This graphic image was posted in another group than the one indicated. It was posted in a group for all people who have an experience of adoption. I have learned a lot there. In the beginning, I didn’t know squat. I will admit it. Both of my parents were adoptees, both of my sisters gave up babies to adoption and even in my own life, I unintentionally lost physical (but not legal) custody of my first born daughter. All of this, I have learned, is at least somewhat, if not directly, related to my parents having been taken from their original mothers in the first year of their life.

So I did come into this particular group believing that adoption was a good thing. I got smacked down right out of the gate in getting to know this group. I shut up and started learning. One adoptive parent who adopted the children in her family out of the foster care system system, admits similarly – “There are a lot of things in this group that are hard to read. I will admit that my feathers were ruffled at first and thought I should leave. I’m so glad I didn’t because I have learned a lot that I hope will make me a better adoptive parent. The truth is spoken here. Sometimes the truth hurts but maybe that just means we need to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.”

One adoptee said – You know what pisses me off the most – about how they claim how “mean” adoptees are? The adoptive parents and foster parents that think that they can just “erase” the fact that the child was not born to them. Then, they think that when adoptees correct them, and say that our past SHOULDN’T and CAN’T be erased, we’re being mean. Like seriously, you want a “beautiful and life changing” relationship, but when somebody that has experienced what adoption is, and explains how to change it, it’s met with closed ears and we’re told “not every adoption is traumatic.” It’s absolutely infuriating. We’re trying to educate you, but honestly, you just want to continue to believe the stereotype and stigma that “adoption is all butterflies and rainbows” and it’s not. It’s just not.

One says – the anger is being treated as the minority opinion among adoptees, a voice that doesn’t matter and shouldn’t be as loud as that of grateful adoptees, because it is abusive to adoptive parents or hopeful adoptive parents.

To which one adds this clarification – I am more than my anger, and my anger doesn’t mean what I say is just out of anger. Calling people angry paints them as emotional and irrational, claims they see the world through a distorted lens or may make rash decisions. Being “angry” is a intentional mischaracterization.

No, when I’m angry, it’s because the research shows adopted people are suffering but “oh it’s just angry adoptees who had bad experiences projecting their trauma.” I’m angry because adoption in the US is a multibillion-dollar industry that commodifies the wombs and children of people in crisis, but hopeful adoptive parents don’t want to hear how they contribute to the demand for a domestic supply of infants. I’m angry when arrogant adoptive parents seem to think their kid’s experience will be the one that escapes trauma but they sound EXACTLY like my parents, and they don’t want to hear that.

I’m angry when people think there’s a magical formula where their kid will never have any hard questions for them, never develop any complicated emotions about adoption, never want to know where they came from. I’m angry when people assume any curiosity about our roots means SOMETHING about how we feel about our adoptive families. I’m angry when the people who could have a direct impact on the quality of an adopted child’s life come in here – expecting they won’t be told they have to learn and grow and change.

blogger’s note – A book consistently recommended in the all things adoption group (and one I have read myself) is Nancy Newton Verrier’s – The Primal Wound. What makes her unique is firstly – she is the mother of two daughters, one adopted and one her biological, genetic child. She also has a master’s degree in clinical psychology and is in private practice with families and children for whom adoption is a major component of their reason for seeking her out. She has both – heard much and experienced much – directly.

Guilty For Being Honest

I had to google the meaning when I came across this today. It is easy enough to find so I won’t repeat it.

The adoptee story today is about a transracial adoptee who has the unique physical characteristic of having blue eyes which is unexpected given her nationality. Her adoptive mother also has blue eyes and this causes some understandable misconceptions but she will always offer the explanation if it seems relevant.

It is amazing how often people see into other people what they want to see. My sons do not have my DNA and they know the whole story about how and why they don’t. We’ve often had strangers remark that one of my sons favors my husband and the other favors me but the truth is that they genuinely can and do favor their dad in some way or other but neither is a carbon copy of him. The funniest one I get when I am with my sons is about being their grandmother. Since I am ALSO a grandmother, that is what I answer, while correcting the misconception, saying that I AM their mother. I carried them in my womb, I nursed them at my breast and I have been here for them 24/7 all of their lives (they are now 18 and 21).

So this adoptee’s very young cousin said he wished he had his mom’s eye color like this adoptee got her adoptive mother’s eye color. She told him honestly that the woman who gave birth to her didn’t have that color of eyes either. That it was just a coincidence. Her cousin asked further questions and she answered honestly. That she had come from a different country and that is why she looks different from him and from her adoptive family. She explained that their DNA was different. He was young enough that after her explanation, he just went back to playing with his Legos because he was satisfied.

Later, her aunt (this cousin’s mother) expressed her disapproval to the adoptee. She said that the adoptee didn’t have to tell the boy that she was not her mother’s “real” daughter. The adoptee affirmed that she didn’t say it that way. The aunt was unhappy that the adoptee would admit to other people that her unusual eye color (blue) didn’t come from her adoptive mother. That separating herself that way from the rest of the family was hurtful to all of them.

This story reminds me of the Toni Morrison novel – The Bluest Eye – that I read (it is a very sad and disturbing story). This adoptee says that her adoptive father used to sing Elton John’s song Blue Eyes to her. The adoptee said AITA for saying I’m adopted ? I didn’t know this song until today.

Doing What She Can

Without wading into the complex and fraught issues involved in transracial adoptions (been there, done that, probably one of my most commented on blogs to date), there has long been an issue of white adoptive parents not knowing how to manage their Black child’s hair.

The source of my own blog for today comes from Blavity.com. Blavity News is a community and website platform for Black voices, stories, creators and thought.

“I saw that this might be something where I can empower them,” Tamekia Swint of Styles4Kidz said. She had noticed more white parents choosing to adopt Black children. “They’re not familiar with the [black] hair.” She started the company in 2010 with three clients. Since then, she’s served more than 500 families. Swint offers several styles ranging from $40 to $150. She also hosts workshops for parents who want to learn how to do their children’s hair.

And running counter to criticisms of transracial adoption, Swint says, “A big misconception a lot of Blacks have about whites adopting Black children is that they don’t care about these kids and that’s just not true.”

One white mother of Black twins living outside the United States is thankful for Styles 4 Kidz because Black hair resources are scarce in her country. She says, “Adopting these two has been a positive experience for my family. We adopted them when they were five days old.” The organization also allows her to socialize with other parents.

“I know soon it will be time to send them to school and that is something my husband and I are discussing now,” she continued. “I know there are things I won’t be able to relate to when it comes to Blacks and that’s why I am learning as much as I can, from as many people as I can.”

The kids are also enthusiastic about their new hairdos.

“We give them haircuts and braid hair. You would be amazed how much self-confidence these children gain once their hair is looking good,” said Swint. “Seeing the smiles on their faces when we leave is a wonderful feeling.”