Just Want It To End

THC Gummies look like candy.

Today’s story is from an adoptee who is also a mom (and it isn’t me) –

In February, an incident happened in my home while my ex husband was watching our kids and I was out with friends for the first time in almost half a decade. In that situation, 2 of my kids had to go to the hospital for ingesting THC gummies, from there Child Protective Services (CPS) was called and they took all 4 of my kids. I am still fighting it all to this day. Luckily, all of them are with family or close friends. My older two are with their grandma, my 3rd is with her god mom and my 4th is with her god mom.

My 4th, I didn’t parent as I should have. She was with her god mom 5 days a week, overnight too because I was made to work a god awful shift of 11am-9pm everyday, so by the time I was off, #4 was asleep and I didn’t want to disturb her.

Today my 4th baby is one.

During the CPS case, I’ve been pressured to give #4 up for adoption to her godparents. I thought I was doing the right thing since everyone around me kept saying how “selfless” I am for this choice after being talked into it. That it would be better for my baby since she loves them so much, knows their routine with her, and she “knows them as her mom and dad”.

I don’t want this.

I have thought this over and over. Judge gave them full custody already in April. They’ve paid almost 10k already into this adoption, I feel horrible for making them waste SO much money. But I do not want this and I don’t know what to do.

I guess this was more venting than anything, or if anyone has been in anything similar? I feel hopeless, and with a CPS case on me already, I don’t know if there is even a chance of my being able to get my baby back.

I’m not an awful mom. I have done absolutely everything the social worker has told me to do, I just want this all to end. I want all of my babies home and now I might only get 3 home instead of all 4.

blogger’s note – though these are unique and not necessarily likely to happen to anyone, the story is a cautionary note about what can happen. I do consume 1/2 of a 10mg edible as my “sippy hour” each evening. While it doesn’t directly “cure” my constant joint and muscle aches, it does distract my mind from them. Though I have 2 young adult sons who their father has made aware that I do this, I am very discrete and control access in a non visible location. My sons are too old now for me to worry about CPS and I have great compassion for any person who has to work such extreme hours just to get by.

One mother of loss had this to suggest – Fight it to the bitter end! Do NOT give up! At least if you fail in this regard, one day your child will know you fought for her! Also, do NOT feel guilty! You did not ask them to invest all of that $ into trying to take your child!

If anyone uses the attachment your child has to them as an excuse for them to keep her then suggest a transition period back to you – then they have no excuse for her to not go back to you! Tell whoever is in charge you are willing do whatever it takes to get your child back whether it is therapeutic visits, supervised visits, and/or parenting classes, etc., during the transition back to you.

I would then find someone else to watch her while you work after you get her back so you don’t ever risk anything like that again with them.

Please do not give up! You will regret giving up (most likely the rest of your life), but you won’t regret fighting to keep her!

Wanted To Be Found

One adoptee answered a mother of loss’s dilemma with “I always wanted to be found.” When I found my cousin, the daughter of my mom’s half-sister, who knew my mom had bee adopted out of the family, she told me that her mom always hoped my mom would turn up, would find her, so they could sit and chat. This half-sister had only died a few months before I learned of her. My adoptee mom wanted to find her mom but was denied by the state of Tennessee.

Here’s the story of her dilemma – I had my son when I was 15. I was still a child and had no idea what I was doing. I believed that it would be in the best interest of my child to have a stable family with a mom and a dad who would be able to provide for him. I grew up in a broken home and I didn’t want that for my son. I interviewed so many hopeful adoptive parents, until I found a couple that seemed like family. We communicated via email, pictures/letters – always from me to the adoptive mother. I have never had any contact with my son directly. He will be 20 this coming summer and I have found him on social media. My question is for adoptees, do I reach out? I want so badly to have a relationship with him but I also don’t want to disrupt the life that he has. I did grow up, get married and have additional children. Will my attempt to forge a relationship with him at this point be more of a negative impact on his life?

An adoptee answers – He may be different. Each person’s journey is different. For me, I would have liked it if my first mother reached out to me. I’d say the only way to find out is to ask him. Part of the struggle as an adoptee is not having the opportunity to decide any of these things for ourselves. Give him the choice. Be prepared for whatever he decides.

Another adoptee notes – The majority of adopted people would appreciate your reaching out. Offering to answer any questions he might have. Knowing that he is an adult now, but perhaps not knowing if he was actually told that he was adopted… or if he does know, exactly what he was told about you. There’s also the concept that many adopted people don’t want to hurt their raising parents – it is crazy how often adopters really do let us know that it is “hurtful” to seek out the original family members. Definitely do reach out – don’t go overboard until he gives you feedback as to what his own situation and feelings are… I wish that my own mother wasn’t so traumatized by the system, so we could have even one adult conversation. A relationship? I would have jumped at that opportunity. I wish that for you all.

In response to the above, another adoptee affirmed – I want to emphasize the do not go overboard. Go slow, like molasses. Let him choose the pace. Don’t spurt out answers to questions he my not even know he has yet. And keep a journal, both for him and for you. It can act as a release valve. All the things you wanted to say, but it was too soon. I wish you peace going forward.

Another said – I would have loved it if my first mum initiated contact but completely understand her thoughts around this are different to mine. I don’t think initiating contact would disrupt anyone’s life. If he knows he was relinquished, he would most likely have the thought of contact floating around in his head .

A late discovery adoptee shares – Found my biological father at 20. Would have been great to know he had also been looking for me. One of the big things I struggle with is being angry, even after 18 years since finding him. Angry he knew and never tried and that I missed out on years of knowing my younger siblings and extended family.

Another says simply – Please reach out to him for both of your sakes.

One adoptee admits – I wish my biological family would reach out. It was a closed adoption and I know nothing about my background. I reached out via 23 and Me to a brother I found but I have had no response. I would love for my biological family to find me but everyone’s journey is different. I had a tumultuous upbringing and I have no family – so it would be nice for me to connect. I’m 37 and I didn’t realize how much I wanted this until recently. Went my entire life not knowing and not caring about my biological family. Only recently, have I had a change of feelings. I would do it if I were you – just be prepared if your biological son is hurt and let him express his feelings. Listening is so important.

One writes – I wish my mother would have ever reached out to me. I had to spend most of my adult life searching for her and it made me feel like it wasn’t worthwhile because my thoughts were ‘if she wanted to, she would’. You don’t have to disrupt, just a message letting them know that the door is open, if they are interested in having a conversation. I would have loved to know I wasn’t forgotten.

Yet another – My advice would be to go for it. You never know if you don’t try. I had been looking for my mom and she had been looking for me, but she found my contact info first and made the initial contact. You never know – he might be looking, too. Wishing you the best. It meant a lot to know my mom had been trying to find me, too.

This was good advice too – When my birth family (siblings) reached out to me, I didn’t respond right away (took me a year). I needed time to take it in due to situations going on. If he doesn’t respond right away, I don’t want you to feel defeated or rejected. Some of us need time to process it. I wish you the very best & encourage you to reach out.

Another shares – I’d say to definitely reach out but leave the terms open for him to decide / control. It was very hard on me when my “mom” reached out to me the first time. It ended up turning very negative, but I can say that at least it happened. My “dad” to this day, despite speaking with my sister, his other daughter, and having a relationship with her.. he has made zero attempt to know me or reach out. Put the ball in his court but take that first step. You don’t want to regret not doing so and I’m sure he would at least be curious!

Yet another experience – I didn’t get to speak to my dad from 12/13-22 and when I finally reached out, I felt very bummed that I could find him so easy but he never tried to find me. I think you run the risk of being rejected, of course, but you still would be doing the right thing by reaching out and just saying – if there’s anything you want to know, I will answer it and I would love to learn more about you, and whatever boundaries you need to set, you are more than welcome to.

Finally, this – Reach out. It is achingly horrible not knowing. I found my first mom before she found me. They lied to her. I unsealed it all and met her face to face within weeks. The reunion hasn’t been all roses and unicorns. But I’m so glad to know her today.

In a later response, this mother wrote – Thank you everyone for your insights on this matter! I know that every situation is different, I was just hoping that if posted, I would get a wide variety of responses to help me. I will be reaching out. Now I just need to try to find the words that convey how much I am willing to be there for him but also, I don’t want to put any stress or pressure. I am definitely willing to go at his pace or no pace at all, if that is his choice. It’s such a fine line and I don’t want to make any more mistakes. I do know that he was told he was adopted – so I won’t be completely destroying his world. Thank you again for your help!

A Reality Check

So a struggling mother asks – Is it wrong to give your kid up for adoption if you deal with depression/anxiety and don’t really have much help ? A part of me feels like I will get over everything and be just fine .. another part of me wants to give my kid up for adoption so that they can have 2 parents and grow up in a loving home with good opportunities. Is any of it feasible ?

The reality – Adoption won’t guarantee a better life for your child, only a different one. Adoption is random. Hopeful adoptive parents are not evaluated for mental health, as biological parents are when Child Protective Services is after their kids. Also, divorce is just as common for adoptive parents as it is for everyone else.

Adoption is permanent.

So, you could give your kid away to some random strangers, then go on to win the lottery, meet the love of your life, and meanwhile the adoptive parents could get divorced, lose their jobs, your kid could be raised by an alcoholic hoarder who won’t allow any contact with you, and then when they do find you, they could resent you for depriving them of the life they could have had with you.

Someone else who suffers from depression/anxiety admits – I go through this thought process with every episode. It’s so hard. Adoption doesn’t always equal better.

Someone who experienced both foster care and adoption notes – People have all sorts of reasons to justify giving up their child. They often sell themselves the line that 2 parents are better than a single one, or they are better off because I am dealing with x/y/z. Your kids love you in spite of all of the hard things in life, and honestly, if its something you struggle with – they likely will too. And no one is better to help them navigate it than their birth parent because often times adopted parents just gaslight their kids and don’t get them the proper therapies and then, its compounded by attachment trauma too. Hugs. You are a good mom no matter how you are struggling because you love your kids enough to ask tough questions about your own mental and emotional health. That’s more than most hopeful adopted parents will ever do!

The issue of abortion often comes up in adoptee circles with a variety of opinions. Comparing the trauma on the biological mother of placing her child for adoption as opposed to what she might feel after having an abortion – studies have found that 95+% of people who’ve ended their pregnancies, have no regrets and felt nothing but relief.

One adoptee says – I’ve had an abortion, I don’t regret it at all. Sure, I sometimes wonder what might have been, but I’m not sad about it at all. At least there’s nobody out there wondering why they weren’t good enough to be anyone’s first choice.

Yet another who aged out of foster care, and was never adopted, says – I’m really really grateful and lucky to have not been aborted. For me, I don’t know if its right to decide for someone without their choice that they’re better off dead than adopted.

Then an all-of-the-above person notes – This is hard… I believe that if someone has never had a child they might regret their abortion. I’m a biological mom and an adoptee … I have my own child I parent, I have a biological child that was given up for adoption, and I had an abortion. By far my abortion was the easiest on me emotionally and mentally. I have been tormented emotionally and mentally by the adoption that turned out a total lie regarding it’s openness. I think about her every single day. I wish I would have aborted her but I was selfish. Of course, I would also rather have kept her, if I had the right mindset then. Hindsight is 20/20. But I also know that if I had never given her up, then I wouldn’t have chosen to have an abortion so easily the next time because giving up another child would have never happened again or I’d be dead. But I know, if I had aborted the child I gave up, I would probably have huge regrets because I wouldn’t know how awful it was to give a child up to adoption.

It always is a matter of perspective and circumstance. This blogger notes – I have a biological, genetic daughter that I surrendered to her father due to my own financial struggles (he refused to pay child support, I went into an employment where I could not take her along with me. I was seeking a financial gain that would support us both – I did not foresee leaving her with her paternal grandmother would become her father’s non-legally mandated permanent custody). Then, I had an unplanned, unexpected pregnancy with no interest expressed by that father-to-be. I did end that one with an abortion. Later on in life, in a better marriage and with good financial circumstances, I gave up my genetics to allow my husband to become a biological, genetic father through assisted reproduction. Many women have multiple varieties of reproductive experiences. I do believe ALL women deserve a legal private choice in all reproductive matters.

No Contact

It is not uncommon now to see adoptees who have gone “no contact” – either with adoptive families or with their original genetic families. I will admit that I had to go no contact with my youngest sister, so I get why sometimes this is the best decision.

For example, this adoptee –

I’m no contact with all of my adopted family and most of my biological family. They’ve hurt me repeatedly by gaslighting, emotional manipulation and abuse, silence, lies (not to mention the outright physical abuse I experienced in childhood)….. and I’m done. Even my biological brother, whom I thought I’d always be close to, has joined in.

When I say I’m cutting toxicity out of my life, I MEAN IT. Friends, family, coworkers, jobs, personal behaviors and mentality – Wherever toxicity might be found, I won’t be. I’ve spent too much of my life trying to please others and fit in because then MAYBE they won’t leave me.

I no longer care.

I’m tired of going out of my way for “family” just to have them talk about me behind my back. I’ve dropped everything to help people who wouldn’t even lend me a smile.

No. More.

Goodbye and good riddance to them all. Best of luck on their future endeavors, but count me out. And though I know it’s the right choice, I’m really needing some emotional support and validation.

And the emotional support comes . . . from an adoptive parent. Removing toxic people from your life may be hard but so worthwhile. Rebuild your relationships with a family of choice. Good friends, partners, can go a long way in supporting you. Congratulations on the beginning of a life away from guilt and toxicity.

And this from another adoptee – Hugs! I went no contact with my adoptive parents years ago, no regrets. I had one brief unavoidable blip, which reinforced what a good choice I made. My younger sister, who was only 1 when she was adopted/went into foster care (I was 10 at the time) has minimal engagement with them. They will ask about me but she puts up the boundary. She’s not comfortable giving them updates about my life, since I have no relationship with them.

Irony is – she used to gatekeep me from my sisters, after I was forced from their home at 17 (just one of many previous times) and my biological family before that, so I find it validating that my families don’t get what they want now (at one time, my adoptive mother liked to brag about how I’m doing well because of their sacrifice and the hard decisions they made to help me help myself). When she told me about the reason why my adoptive mother thinks she was cut off (ie not invited to another family event with their biological son) I laughed because it just goes to show how clueless she really is and how little she actually DID listen to me, before I cut her off.

I have little to no contact with my biological family, least of all with their own monkeys and circus. The contact I do have is mostly initiated on my part (zero effort on the sibling’s part to connect with me, minimum from my mother and other relatives) and I’ve gone full no contact at times with my dad, depending on where he’s at in his addiction cycle.

I have no regrets. Only a slight regret for not putting up boundaries earlier because I felt I had to have some contact with some family because you know, I have no family otherwise (my in-laws are not super fans of me either, they are judgmental and don’t understand CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) or why my husband is with someone as ‘broken’ as I am (they see us minimally – maybe a handful of times per year now.) I now no longer give a f**** about what I do or do not say, that may or may not upset them. It used to tear me up and I’d think OMG was I too loud ?, too this or too that, and feel like a big POS and not worthy of their love, until I realized their lack of acceptance had to do with THEIR stuff and NOT mine. Mine was just easier to focus on because I was so transparent about everything, which is not how they roll.

Send A Letter

The lyrics in an old song – The Letter by The Box Tops – could fit the story for today –

Lonely days are gone, I’m a-goin’ home
My baby, just a wrote me a letter
I don’t care how much money I gotta spend
Got to get back to my baby again

An adoptee writes that she is seeking advice on whether to reach out to her biological father. It’s been about six months since she found out his identity through sleuthing and ancestry links. When she was still trying to figure out who it was, she narrowed it down to one family and stupidly cold called. She now knows it was her paternal grandmother. She did not take the news well and was not kind about it either. She told the to leave them alone and never contact them again. Since then her biological mother (who she’s never met but have contact with on social media) confirmed his identity and admitted that the story she gave to the adoption agency wasn’t the true story. It’s still unclear if he knows about her existence – he definitely didn’t at the time of her birth. She is considering writing a letter because calling or emailing just doesn’t seem like the right way to do it. Though she worries he may never answer her letter, it would be worse to leave this hanging.

By way of encouragement, another one writes – I sent a snail mail letter to my biological family, with pictures of me and my family. It worked well for me. Good luck!!

And an even better success story – My biological father “thought” he might have been my father but until I reached out at the age of 30, he didn’t want to interrupt my life because he didn’t know what I did or didn’t know. I found the link thanks to Ancestry DNA and emailed his mother. She told me that Ancestry must have been mistaken. She is a sweet woman who just didn’t quite understand DNA testing. She has since accepted my children as her great grandchildren and loves to hear all about us. But at first, she gate kept because she just didn’t know and was afraid of what I wanted.

My dad and I have since established a relationship and he moved (and his wife and their child) 400 miles to live 3 miles from me and my family. Our relationship has its great days, good days, and rough days. I don’t regret reaching out. My biological mother raised me until she passed away when I was 7 and then I was raised under legal guardianship in a not so great situation with my stepfather before leaving his house and living with my mother’s parents who claimed to have no idea who my biological father was. I did not reach out until after they passed away.

I initially only wanted medical information. They have since become some of my biggest cheerleaders and love their grand babies dearly.

Blogger’s note – It was the same with my mom – adoptees lack family medical history. That is the reason that many want contact with their biological family.

No Such Thing As Normal

An adoptee shares –

My adoptive mom would always have me getting diagnosed with nearly everything in the DSM growing up all the time. I’ve since come to the conclusion there is no such thing as normal. The point is, my voice was never heard as a child and I was on a million different meds and diagnosed with a million different things. I wasn’t ever diagnosed with autism specifically, but my adoptive mom suggested it many times to my doctors, as she did everything else because something clearly must be “wrong” with me (yeah normal adoption trauma, but we can’t talk about Bruno).

All I’m saying is be careful how you paint that picture. I was always pissed that my adoptive mom kept saying there was something wrong with me. All I ever wanted was to be normal. As I’ve grown older, I definitely notice I’m more intelligent than a lot of people and I’m quirky, sure. But to be diagnosed with ADD, bipolar, depression, BPD, and everything else? If I can get diagnosed with 15 things and no doctors can agree what is “wrong” with me, then isn’t it all just BS anyway?

(blogger’s comment) I loved my mom dearly (she in now deceased). My dad said she was a hypochondriac. She also did tend to think things were wrong with us too. Each of us as her daughters had experiences directly caused by that. All I can say is I’m glad we survived them. There may be some truth that much of it had to do with her being adopted (that pesky primal wound), though I can’t know that for certain.

Learn to live with how you are. Give your child the tools to do that. That’s it. That’s life. I think very few people truly require medication. Everything else is just learning who you are and having the coping skills to handle it.

The responses shared above (except my own blogger’s comments) were offered due to a post about a “child diagnosed as autistic at the age of 2, who has made huge strides (cognitively, developmentally, emotionally, socially, etc), however does not know/understand her autism diagnosis.”

(another blogger’s comment) Though it may be that all of the males in my family are somewhat Asperger’s, we never wanted them to be permanently labeled with a diagnosis. The closest we came was having the boys professionally evaluated after being homeschooled for many years, to make certain we had not failed to give them a good foundation (we had not failed). The psychologist said, I wish more parents with children like yours had your attitude about it. We have encouraged their interests, given them support regarding those but allowed them to create their own paths. Now at 18 and almost 22, they are awesome human beings with definite strengths and a strong sense of their individual character. We have no regrets about the choices we made during their childhoods.

Adoption IS Trauma

Today’s adoptee story –

Through writing this story, I became *very* angry with my biological mother for the first time since I met her almost ten years ago now.

I’ve always known I was adopted (at birth, through Catholic Charities, not “private” adoption but also not a foster care adoption.). I had great adoptive parents, who I know loved me (but didn’t always). There were no biological children in the family. My sister was adopted at four years old (when I was six) from foster care.

Blogger’s note – adoptive parents often adopt another child to be a sibling to the first one they adopted. This was true for my mom – the Jill for the Jack they already had – as her adoptive mother actually wrote in a letter to the Tennessee Children’s Home Society. This was true for my dad – who’s adoptive mother went back to The Salvation Army home for unwed mothers in El Paso TX to get a brother for him.

I always, always, always felt alone. I’d cry, when I was very young, and curl up on the couch and sob “I want to go home, why can’t you just let me go home.” I’d never known another home, but that was what I always wanted when I was very small, was to “go home.”

I always believed I was something different than my peers. I found it hard to make friends. I had no sense of my own identity. I spent my entire childhood longing for my blood kin. When I grew up and finally found them, only my mother and her younger son (who wants nothing to do with me) were alive. My older sister, my father, my older brother, all gone.

Blogger’s note – it is interesting that as a child I never connected the dots that my parents being adoptees made me “different”. I never thought about the fact that my parents were “different” from the parents of my school peers, that their parents were not also adopted, though subconsciously I knew this because I could not say to anyone what my cultural identity was (Danish, Scottish are what I have learned, along with Irish and English).

Even now, in my early forties, a part of me feels like there’s something about me not worthy of being wanted by them, not worthy of knowing them (the biological, genetic family).

I’d have rather been aborted.

Blogger’s note -This is true for many, not all adoptees, but in my all things adoption group, I’ve seen this written many times.

Great adoptive family or not, this life is not what I deserved. My biological mother doesn’t regret her choice. And part of me hates her for that, now that I’ve had some time to really process everything that’s happened since we met.

This is not a life I would wish on any person.

Adoption IS trauma.

Glitter Birthmoms

This is a new term for me this morning but I will admit I struggle with this now. At one time, I wouldn’t have but I have learned too much related to all things adoption to go along with the denial or self soothing perspectives that the adoption industry puts forth and way too many mothers who surrender a baby to adoption absorb and then believe it. These birthmoms speak about adoption as some win/win scenario.

Someone asked the obvious question – What are glitter birth moms? And here was the response – Someone who is glad they adopted out their child and doesn’t regret it.

One woman talked about the ones she sees that are proudly proclaiming their child is in a closed adoption for their own “privacy” but are also Extremely Online, using their full name and photo, IDing themselves as biological moms. Uh, that’s not really how privacy works but they’ll find that out when the adoptee does DNA and matches with close relatives. (And this does happen increasingly these days – in fact DNA and matching has revealed to me my adoptee parents’ – both were – genetic families).

Just recently, I saw one like this from a Christian agency and the woman has gone into counseling unwed mothers to surrender after getting a degree in some social work area. I just couldn’t . . . Here is how someone describes a similar situation – The ones whose stories adoption agencies/adoptive parents trot out in adoption circles to reinforce the narratives they want. They usually talk about how young they were or what obstacles they had, how they picked the adoptive parents (blogger’s note – and I actually supported my youngest sister during a pregnancy where she sent me the profiles to give her a second opinion but that was before I learned all I have learned), what wonderful people the adoptive parents are, how they have thrived since then, sometimes how their child is doing, and saying they know they “made the right decision.” They paint adoption as “giving my child a better life than I could offer.” All of this is very typical.

One adoptee said about such women – my guess is denial and a way to deal with guilt, they can safely live in the fog. I hate the way adoption is always about the parents, adopted or biological.

Another adoptee shares this –

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I don’t **know** this is how my birth mom is for a fact… but at least on the surface she fits the bill on
paper;

She had me at 16, before her 17th birthday

& Because she placed me for adoption

(and that she escaped the stigma,
as she didn’t show and no one knew she was pregnant)

She was able to easily graduate high school

Get her bachelor degree

Married the “love of her life”

And have two well behaved sons at the appropriate time deemed by society

She is a pillar of her community, a kindergarten teacher

She is head of PTA and very active at fighting for kids rights and services in her community (ironically)

It hurts more because I was always
fed the narrative “she did this for me” “she wanted you to have a better life”

No.

It was always about her

She wanted a better life

She wanted to escape stigma

It was never about me

Another adoptee shares – My “unfit” biological parents both went on to have more children and raised them in stable, loving families, unlike the adoptive one I got. Like we always say, placing your child or adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and nothing to be proud of. My biological parents can insist they did it out of love for me all they want but all I would ever hear is “we couldn’t be bothered to get our shit together in time to keep you in the family but look at all these lucky siblings we did do that for!”

And this was an important piece of advice – Please don’t start framing adoptees as either having a “negative experience” or “bitter and abandoned.” This will only silence your child and make them feel they cannot share complex feelings. The best thing I ever did for my daughter was tell her she had every right to feel however she wants over a situation she had no control or say over. Its quite possible for adoptees to love their parents but find parts of their adoption traumatic or challenging. For Example my daughter mourns not growing up with her siblings I get to raise. That doesn’t make her bitter or negative – its a completely normal response to an abnormal situation.

Someone shares this, which I alluded to above about a Christian agency – There are glitter birth moms who make a career out of it, by becoming an “adoption professional” and are paid by agencies to speak at events, promote adoption to other expectant mothers, etc. I follow them closely. It has a two fold impact – not only is the birth Mum able to turn their relinquishment into an income stream but it continually reinforces to them that they made the right choice. And this is far easier to live with than being open to considering the alternative. I have seen one of them do a complete change – she was actually featured in national articles supporting adoption. I’m not exactly sure what happened – whether the openness reduced, the reality of what she had done started to sink in as her child got older, however I have seen her talk about how her she has really struggled with her mental health. She hasn’t come out and owned her past but I have seen her commenting against adoption now.

And this very honest assessment that has some balance integrated into it – I don’t know if I’m considered a glitter birth mom, I don’t regret placing my daughter given the circumstances of my life at that time and the circumstances of her current life. However, I wouldn’t preach that it’s the greatest thing ever either. I just feel it was the best choice out of the ones I had at that time. I didn’t do it all for her, yes she was definitely a consideration but I’ll admit my choice was selfish too.

That’s part of why when I see women being praised when they are considering adoption that it irks me so much. It’s not selfless and brave and giving some couple a chance at parenthood. It’s hard, and emotional and traumatic for everyone and people don’t want to hear that. My daughter is 9 and it breaks my heart a little. She told me she never wants to be pregnant and have biological children. She wants to adopt children like she was and I wonder if this is her way of reacting to her trauma. I see her often, I’m pregnant with her little brother and first biological sibling, and she’s so in love with him but I worry how she’ll feel when he’s here, the relationship that they could have had, if she hadn’t been placed.

Lastly, in the realm of Welfare Queens exploiting a system, I need to include this sadly misguided perspective on it all – There is a glitter birthmom in my life. She was a former foster youth who aged out and has been having children since then. Her oldest is 24 and she is pregnant with #12? now. She has raised none and actually believes she is doing good by giving infertile families babies and encourages her biological children to do the same with her own grand babies. I believe it is a survival narrative. She knows how to get housing and WIC and medical care and all sorts of benefits. She does not see the impact of her decisions on her children – even those who have been vocal with her about it. And the trauma of knowing they have siblings all over the country that they may never meet. It is a sad cycle being repeated by the next generation.