Tag: Owning A Child

Love For Them Is Natural

Image from a reunion story at LINK>Cafe Mom

I read this from an adoptive parent today in my all things adoption group – “We as adoptive parents shouldn’t feel threatened when adoptees express their love for their biological parents.”

The comment above came in response to something she had read in a different group (that I am not a member of) – “How do you handle your kids saying they love their biological parents more than you ? My oldest son is 5 but I’ve had him since he was 9 months old. He was allowed overnights with biological mom until he was 2-1/2 years old. He’s only seen her 5 times since she lost custody. From my prospective, he doesn’t really know her because they have rarely been together. The overnights were for one night every month or two. It just hurts my feelings when he says he loves his birth mom and her husband (not his bio dad) and not me”.

One mother of loss noted a bit cynically – OMG did an adoptive parent just admit their own fragility and insecurity ?! Better put this one on the calendar. Someone get this lady a medal. Sorry you weren’t able to erase an unbreakable bond. And as how to “handle” it ? You ACCEPT it. You know what ? Your feelings are not what matters. You get a shrink and you just deal with it. Or you use a 5 year old’s true feelings to alienate the child for your own selfish gain by cutting contact and closing the adoption, like 89% of the rest of the vultures do. He hasn’t seen her but 5 times and they’re rarely together because you haven’t allowed it, because you’re jealous. From overnights to nothing, hmmm what do we think the outcome will be ?

One woman who works with young people wrote – Doing youth work, it’s been enlightening to see how the way the adoptive parents treat the whole subject and how the kid processes it all as they get to an age to understand this stuff with more detail. The ones who have been treated like belongings have had real internal struggles. There was quite a bit of kinship caring in the families we worked with and there’s been more than one “family visit” night where like 25 people have turned up. LOL I’m like, well the room isn’t that big so pick 3 people and I’ll go get the client. A lot of times when the kid was from a really remote location the whole family, like half the community, would come down and camp in the park across the road. Especially elders. I wish the people who had the attitudes like that woman could see that.

An adoptee notes – The adoptive parent expects a 5 year old to manage their feelings, with an adult-level understanding of how to do that, while denying any preferences of his own. Also in my opinion, describing it as hurting her feelings, after expressing disbelief that her son could love his biological mom more, is really her projecting her resentment about that onto the child. He’ll definitely learn not to express anything like that to her – eventually. That’s how it’s getting handled: by him.

An experienced foster/adoptive mom writes – it’s SO important that anyone getting getting involved, particularly in the foster care system, be free of the super common “looking to expand our family”. You can’t expect a child, let alone a traumatized child, to fulfill your emotional needs. That’s not what kids are for. If you’re truly interested in helping kids… Then you should be thrilled they have a great connection to their family. That’s to be celebrated. Like yay! You did a good job! Your kid has connections and is able to recognize those emotions and feels free to verbalize them! It’s just such a fundamental baked-in part of the problem that, when you pay for a child, you think you own it. You have expectations. It’s yours. It’s late stage capitalism in one of its worst forms. The inherent power structure and commodification of *children*.

Why It Is Worth It

Today’s story is close to home and much like family but it is NOT my story.

I’m in the process of being re-adopted by my real mom. I met with my attorney today and learned some additional details about the process that I didn’t previously know. Had I known, I would have done this years ago. The laws vary by state but I wanted to share what I’ve learned in case it helps anyone else. It’s also something Hopeful/Adoptive Parents should know is possible and to behave accordingly.

For context, I’m a 36 year old domestic infant adoptee. Born and originally adopted in New York, I now live in Missouri, and my real mom now lives in Tennessee. The adoption is happening in Missouri. I was reunited at 17. My adoptive father made mistakes but took accountability for them. I loved him. He passed away recently. My female adopter is likely a narcissist but she doesn’t see it that way. She adopted because she was infertile. My 15 year old mother was coerced by the adoption industry. Several years ago, my female adopter actually told me that she understands that adoption caused pain and trauma for my mother and I but she feels it was worth it because it allowed her to be a mother. All of her actions indicate that my adoption was about her, her desires, and ownership of a child being “hers”.

In my state, only the person adopting me (my actual mother) and I need to consent to the adoption. No one else can prevent this from happening. My female adopter won’t be notified at all unless I personally decide to tell her. My adoptive father can remain my legal father. I can change my name as part of the process and my children’s birth certificates can be updated to reflect this. I didn’t know this or I would have changed my name years ago. The entire process is going to cost under $2,000 for everything because adoption is cheap when you’re not purchasing the adoptee. My current female adopter will become a legal stranger. The same process that made her my legal mother will now un-make her my mother. She will no longer be a mother or grandmother to anyone except in her own deluded mind. It’s doesn’t matter what she thought adopting me would mean. It’s doesn’t matter what the agency told her about what I’d grow up to feel. I refuse to participate. Adoption didn’t win. I don’t need her consent to purchase my freedom.